Dating in the Future World by Anonymous5 - In a racially and gender divided future London, where contact between men and women is strictly regulated, one man risks it all for a chance at love. - Short, Comedy

I like the way you set up the world in just one visual right at the start.

There was a slight clarity issue in what he was trying to achieve, at least for me...was it just the date that was the thing, or was he trying to get into the other side of the city?

Leaving that aside, there was quite a relevant kind of humour about modern dating  and political correctness. It was like a very soft, alt-right comedy.

One line, which I won't spoil, did give me my one and only laugh of this round.  

I enjoyed this one. Could do with some work, but there's enough to see the potential.

Strong set up. You created a compelling, but utterly absurd, world. The absurdity builds higher and higher, and it works.

You didn't need to inform us about the reality of sewers. We're on board, nobody's going to say it's impossible, sewers aren't really like that. Keep us in it, don't distract us with unnecessary caveats.

It gets uncomfortable towards the end, like I shouldn't like this because it's such a blatant overreaction to the #metoo movement, but like I said, it works.

High marks all around. Well done.

Dating In the Future

Nice title and logline

On the very first sight, the margins look a little off to me.

"Our heroes" – ah, that concept hurts the script. When I'm actually there with the characters, in your story, it completely pulls me back to the reality of me just reading a script. So, stay away from it.

top of p2 the self irony doesn't fit to the rather atmospheric first page

p3 I truly bought into the concept of that meeting spot, but it felt not developed well here yet, which of course is due to the short timeframe we had. No problem.

Second half of p4 till the end – there you get the grasp back in case of storyline and find the payoffs very well.

The middle part didn't work yet, felt too slow and complicated for such a ironic story.

Some funny lines were dropped. The police squat felt also pretty fresh and original. Not sure how the script would be received though. In a sense, you take a huge swing at the sjw gender zeitgeist but then it just felt that you mirror it from the anti-perspective, which makes it look defensive and wanted to some degree.

However, I'm still on board.

Right away i can tell your left and right margins are off.  Check your writing software and make the fix.

"Although he has only one eye, the sheer size of the remaining one more than makes up for the loss." - Extremely awkwardly phrased.

I have no idea who or what Wee Rabbie Burns is.

"Our heroes" - Huh?  Why are they "our" heroes?  This is a big mistake as you're going to lose readers here and possibly never get them back.

"In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie. " - And here you go again.  You just can't help yourself, right?  ARGH!!!

"They lead Cameron through the door." - Who is they?  See where you fucked up?  By using "Our heroes" earlier.  I know Squint is here, because he spoke, and now I know Big Red is here too, because he just spoke, but I had absolutely no clue until they spoke.

No use ever for ";" in a script.  Just stay away from these guys.

"...with no more than a hint of the Femi-Nazi about her hairstyle." - HUH?  No clue what this is supposed to mean.

"Sikh" - Huh?  I'm pretty clueless as to what's going on here and I'm thinking this must be either way over my head or stuff from Europe I'm unfamiliar with.

Oh boy, not at all for me, sorry.

Jeff, Robbie Burns is a well renowned Scottish poet. Ever heard of Auld Lang Syne?

...
Anyway, I liked this as it had humour, parody, nice descriptions to instantly evoke where we are, what this new world is etc. I love the idea of an extreme backlash and world gone a bit mad in an attempt to prevent sexism, racism, xenophobia, the #metoo movement - political correctness gone mad.

Bit of a disconnect between his first mission and where we ended up. I suppose it's a test to see if you are eligible to pass through the gates.

I didn't like the final twist, it wasn't necessary and detracted from the previous good work but I shan't penalise because I liked all the rest.
As for the setting of sewer, we could be anywhere really and the whistle was just a by the by for me.

Entertaining work here.

Quoted from LC Jeff, Robbie Burns is a well renowned Scottish poet. Ever heard of Auld Lang Syne?

Yes, I've sang that very poorly more than a few times in my life.  

I'll set aside the victimhood of the message of the script. Poor, poor men. It's like, you can't even assault people anymore without getting called savages.

No, seriously, I'll set it aside.

Okay... back to the task at hand.

This was well done. You took a modern issue and ran it to its extreme. So, as far as social commentary goes, good job on the style. The message is ridiculous, and you even mix in just a tad bit of racism to boot... but, wait... I was going to set that aside...

Back to the task at hand...

Ah... forget it. Can't do it.

Mostly high scores from me for the writing and the well done social commentary. I don't have to agree with it to think it's well done.

A great piece of victimhood fiction.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text the very definition of 'White Bread'

"white bread
noun
1.
bread that is light in colour, made with flour that has been through a refining process."

I don’t quite get it...

Quoted Text Although he has only one eye, the sheer size of the remaining one more than makes up for the loss.

How big can someone’s eye really be? It's an eye.

Quoted Text In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie.

I don’t like this, and it's just not true either, sewers come in all sorts of sizes. Also it is a movie, they are any size you want them to be. I guess the same could be said for the eye, I guess.

Quoted Text no more than a hint of the Femi-Nazi about her hairstyle

Sorry, I don’t get this at all.

Quoted Text CAMERON Hello, my name is Cameron it is a pleasure to meet you. VALERIE Likewise. I am Valerie. SQUINT You reckon he'll make it? BIG RED Nae Chance.

I think this could have done with a mini slug - AT THE BAR - or something when Squat and Big Red talk.

Quoted Text INT. SEWER LOVE SHACK - LATER

LATER would do if nothing else has changed.

Quoted Text The Sikh Officer

Sixth?

Quoted Text LESBIAN POLICE OFFICER

How do we know one is Jewish, Muslim, and lesbian?

Quoted Text Her huge BULGING panties. BIG RED ...She's a bloody Tranny anyway.

Hmm... Okay.

So this isnt something I would ever read if it wasnt part of a challange. It has all the parts it needs to meet the criteria. Can’t say I enjoyed any of it.

All the best.

Pretty big concept that was handled well but minimal, if any, comedy, and the one token use of the whistle added nothing to the story ( like a lot in this round- at least the anal whistles were integral to the story lol!

Quoted from Warren If you read through some old threads it has been pointed out quite a few times that I'm not very smart Also not very religious, maybe that has something to do with it?

Fair enough. They're the fellas with the turbans. Usually of Indian descent. They're not allowed to cut their hair as that's the way God made them. Which makes a kind of sense.

I can explain the other things you missed as well, if you like? You asked me to on another thread (I know you were being facetious... But still, I can, if you like! ).

Brilliant stuff!

Good intriguing start with the "toxic males". First story to at least start out grabbing my interest. That should be worth points.

Not sure why the size of the eye matters, but good writing so far.

You should go to youtube and search for old sewer exploration. Not all 3 inch lines.

Hmm. Without a doubt the story lost my interest. But I plowed on. There's at least an attempt at some kind of satire here about the metoo stuff going too far in the future. Satire seems worth some...what was it? Oh yeah, points!

I understand what you were trying to do with various ethnic ladies...but Jewish lade, Chinese lade, Muslim lady. That seemed awkward.

And the dialog didn't quite do it for me, though I respect the attempt.

Hi writer

[REDACTED] - Apologies

Quoted Text In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie.

What was that about? lol - it's also not true. The sewers under London are vast Victorian tunnels... they would look quite nice if they weren't covered in shit. They found a fatberg there not long ago the size of a whale... can't get whales in 3-inch sewers.

I'm not a fan of the writing, to be honest... personal preference maybe but it seems full of unnecessary and none visual things that make it seem like a forced attempt at injecting voice.

ooook - That didn't go in a way I was expecting lol

You build the world up really well in a short amount of space - But this world has some rules that i don't fully understand... that is most likely on me not getting it. The message is lost on me.

I don't really have anything useful to add.

Well done on meeting the parameters and in a way, this one stands out for its sheer crazy world.

Picked this one from the bunch on the logline since I'm currently working on something similar'ish. Not a comedy though.

I'm amazed you wrote this one in what, 72hrs or something? I loved it! Very current and hilarious too!

Some of your paragraphs were funny too which is perfect for comedy where you want to keep the reader in a comedic mood even when nothing in particular at the moment is funny. Like this for example. "In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie."

Great job writer, whoever you are.

PS: Having read through the other comments here, I'm amazed how some people missed so many of the details in this script that makes it funny and current. Everything from demographics groups to consent forms and everything in between. I think this was excellent!

I think this was an interesting story with a good set up and then just went careening downhill with the absurdist allegations and all the cops getting accused of rape. I think this really could have been so much more.

Also, was a whistle really utilized here?  Ah fuck it, five points for you on criteria. And if I had stopped reading about page three, I’d give you much higher points across the board. Oh, well, it’s still better than what I wrote so congrats.

Really funny stuff here. Gave me a good laugh. Poor SJWs would probably be offended by this.

Writing was really good, I didn't get hung up on anything. Dialog was funny and flowed naturally.

The end was great, though I think you should cut the final line of dialog. Just leave us with the image of the bulging panties.

Great work here.

If the Love Shack is an unsanctioned enterprise, why are Cops there to arrest people? Arrests require reports be written, which would require the Cops to acknowledge their own illegal participation. Of course, you couldn’t have the absurd ending without the Cops, so maybe they make a surprise appearance--a raid. On another point, how much “good behavior” is Valerie expecting down in a sewer? She’s described as attractive, so that must mean the pickings are mighty slim on the other side of the wall, so what exactly are all the women doing to satisfy their needs? That aside, I liked the story and the extremes to which “acceptable” courting behavior have been taken.

good sarcasm on what's going on today in the world.
Yes, exactly.
It's just the right amount over the top.
Doesn't read like a story but as a sketch it works for me.

As a card carrying SJW this didn't work for this snowflake - sorry.

Well written though.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood As a card carrying SJW this didn't work for this snowflake - sorry. Well written though.

What in the world is SJW?

Damn, I'm either getting really old or the world is getting really fucked up.

Wait...I think it's both!!

Jeff, really?

You have Google right?

SJW - Social Justice Warrior

Oh and a Sikh is someone of that religion, an Indian religion with 25m adherents around the world... male Sikhs often wear turbans.

Quoted from Dreamscale What in the world is SJW? Damn, I'm either getting really old or the world is getting really fucked up. Wait...I think it's both!!

I think the world has always been fucked up, you just don't realize that until you get old.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Jeff, really? You have Google right? SJW - Social Justice Warrior Oh and a Sikh is someone of that religion, an Indian religion with 25m adherents around the world... male Sikhs often wear turbans.

I actually did, but it didn't make any sense to me what I read.  Still unsure what it means or is.

Also, no clue what a "snowflake" is supposed to mean.  I'm sorry...just don't know.

Quoted from Zack I think the world has always been fucked up, you just don't realize that until you get old.

Thanks, Zack.  I feel even worse now.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks, Zack.  I feel even worse now.

You're welcome, Bro!  

Quoted from Zack You're welcome, Bro!

Zack, you're a young, strapping lad     Do you know what these things mean?

I wonder if Pia does?  Or Bert?  Or Stump?  Or my 94 year old Dad?  Or stevie's about to be 80 yaar old Dad?  Or my dog, Jake?

Hi Writer,

I think this is one of the most imaginative and funny takes on the criteria.

It's a difficult issue to tackle, but you did a good job. I think one can agree or not with the social commentary, but still find the script funny and entertaining.

The writing was good and you managed to build a complete world in a very short amount of space, so kudos for that.

I don't have much more left to say. It's a solid entry and I enjoyed it, except for the last twist, I think that was pushing things too far.

Well done,
David

Cool title and I love the logline here.

Wish you would've kept the title Love Shack BTW.

I was all in when I read that the wall separates the guys from the gals... but this gets way too weird for me to say I enjoyed reading. Because it was well written, I did finish. Sort of saw the end coming.

Nice writing on display. Not my favorite story however.

Good job writer.

Quoted from Zack You're welcome, Bro!

This stuff makes me laugh.

Quoted from Pale Yellow This stuff makes me laugh.

You might just like my round 2 script.

Probably not, though.

This an absurd, over-the-top satire. It immediately makes me wonder what it says on the other side of that wall.

But even an absurd world needs some sort of order to it. If this is some kind of illicit matchmaking service, why are there police on call? The high price might be for bribes to get off-duty police to act as security, I suppose.

The alternative, that this is some kind of DMZ with defined rules of... shall we say... engagement... then why would such an expensive service take place in a sewer?

I'm assuming the labels for the police officers are intended to poke fun at identity politics, the writer seems talented enough to come up with non-offensive descriptions... but the last twist comes off as transphobic. It's not making fun of people who insist upon the acceptance or rejection of trans folks, just dehumanizing the trans.

Anything walking a tightrope for that long is bound to wobble somewhere. This wobble is fixable, especially since it has no impact upon the story.

Quoted from FrankM This an absurd, over-the-top satire. It immediately makes me wonder what it says on the other side of that wall. But even an absurd world needs some sort of order to it. If this is some kind of illicit matchmaking service, why are there police on call? The high price might be for bribes to get off-duty police to act as security, I suppose. The alternative, that this is some kind of DMZ with defined rules of... shall we say... engagement... then why would such an expensive service take place in a sewer? I'm assuming the labels for the police officers are intended to poke fun at identity politics, the writer seems talented enough to come up with non-offensive descriptions... but the last twist comes off as transphobic. It's not making fun of people who insist upon the acceptance or rejection of trans folks, just dehumanizing the trans. Anything walking a tightrope for that long is bound to wobble somewhere. This wobble is fixable, especially since it has no impact upon the story.

I think the point was to even it out politically.

You saw all the over the top SJW types from the other side, but the end reveals that these are, in fact, Toxic Males. Essentially everyone is insane, in this world, (and the real one).

That's what I took from it, anyway. I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges).

I don't need to read it again, as I struggled the 1st time.

Different strokes, different folks.  Over this old man's head, so disregard my feedback, as I don't get it and don't want to.

This isn't anything to do with your age... it's down to your education.

What I liked best is that it was totally unexpected. I had no idea where this was going and I enjoyed the ride. Good story, writer.

The dialog was clunky in a couple places but I believe that was due to the cue cards?

My only issue is the overwhelming law enforcement for protection if this is an illegal activity to begin with. Or am I wrong here? Why would they call police if this is all secret? I shouldn't even question...it's a comedy farce.

Overall, nicely done.

This was excellent.  Could be my new favourite.

The ending was also great.  Would love to see this one made.

"I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges)."

True to yourself

Quoted from DustinBowcot This isn't anything to do with your age... it's down to your education.

Oh, Dustin, I don't think so.  I'm a college graduate and a VP, and a 25% owner in my company.  I thought you were a High School Drop Out?

My guess is that this is so far from what we live in America, it's completely lost.

Glad you loved it.  Maybe you and Rick can film this and see what it looks like on film.

Word of warning...don't spend any money, as you're not going to be happy with what you see.  But, that's just me, and I'm nowhere near the caliber of any of these writers here in this tournament.

Quoted from PrussianMosby "I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges)." True to yourself

It's more than that. It's Me Too. Toxic Masculinity. All men are bad and the cause of all evil. All the demographic groups. Race. Religion. Sexuality and so on and so on. Signing a consent form before sex, so no Female (mostly) will be taken advantage of or forced to have sex. This is real people! I read news from all over the world and this is real! Americans need to look outside their own border sometimes to see what's going on in the rest of the world. IMO, this script covered all the bases and made equally fun of everyone. It was clever and current and funny!

My take.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It's more than that. It's Me Too. Toxic Masculinity. All men are bad and the cause of all evil. All the demographic groups. Race. Religion. Sexuality and so on and so on. Signing a consent form before sex, so no Female (mostly) will be taken advantage of or forced to have sex. This is real people! I read news from all over the world and this is real! Americans need to look outside their own border sometimes to see what's going on in the rest of the world. IMO, this script covered all the bases and made equally fun of everyone. It was clever and current and funny! My take.

Never been outside the states, and I rarely watch the news. That said, none of this was lost on me. All you gotta do is watch some SJW YouTube clips to realize just how insane the world is becoming. Jeff, I'm gonna pm you some links to some pretty cringy SJW videos. Maybe then you'll understand this a bit better. Even if it doesn't help, you'll at least be entertained for a few minutes.

Exactly, Pia. And similar to what I said in my review.  
There's more to knowledge than just bookish learning and degrees too, imho. There's also common sense, emotional intelligence, and knowing what's going on in the world, not just your own backyard.

From my original comment: "There's at least an attempt at some kind of satire here about the metoo stuff going too far in the future."  

Easy enough to spot that's the aim of the story, a satire about a future in which metoo has gone too far. Intriguiing.

But I've read the story twice right now and I'm afraid I need someone smarter than me to explain what is actually going on in the scene. I just can't figure it.

I get that men and women are kept separate and it takes some underground criminal network to arrange a date.

But then I'm lost. The two thugs who arrange the date for money are both men. They sit there with running commentary, aparently part of the date. And they seem to be taking bets as to whether Cameron...THEIR client...will cross some line...and THEY are the referees. I simply can't make any sense of that.

Which part of the world are Squint and Big Red coming from? I would presume the men's. Yet they are guarding Valerie? No female guards? And the female cops are waiting outside the door for Cameron to screw up?

I realize we HAVE to suspend disbelief for any of these stories, and certainly for satire. For that sake, I can accept the 6 cops bursting in.

But what confuses me, and makes it a very hard read, is what is motivating Squint and Big Red. Why do they sit next to them commenting on the date? Each time I've read it I find myself at a loss for what is going on.

I'm sure Rick can explain it and set me straight. No doubt I have missed something crucial.

In the unlikely possibility that I have not, I can offer a suggestion how this might have played better. Since Squint and Red seem to be almost betting if Cam will last the night, why not just do that so that it's more clear? And why not make Squint or Red a woman? So you have Val paying from her side(Red), Cam from his(Squint), and Red and Squint sit at the bar...but outside of earshot of Val and Cam. That would require either separate slugs for the bar, I know, but it makes more sense. Or mix in some VO. As it is it's like one conversation with 4 characters, 2 on a date and 2 watching them.

F it, I'm going tp read it a fourth time right now. I miss things. I must be missing something and I don't want to be unfair.

Ok, a clue: "He might actually do it. Have yee got
the physical consent forms ready?"

So apparently if he lasts the length of the candles without causing the whistle to be blown he gets consent to have sex. But that's not really apparent before that unless you infer from the title.

It still needs to be puzzled out. When we see Cam paying Squint and Red, it's reasonable to infer they are doing something illegal, and doing it for Cam. So why would THEY be the ones with the whistle? For this to make sense there should be women counterparts that meet them, and THEY have the whistles to alert the police, who are waiting in the sewer for some reason for Cam to screw up.

Quoted from LC Exactly, Pia. And similar to what I said in my review.   There's more to knowledge than just bookish learning and degrees too, imho. There's also common sense, emotional intelligence, and knowing what's going on in the world, not just your own backyard.

Yes, and this script should be filmed and and I'm sure it would be so funny and popular.

Pure fucking genius. Rick, this is your best by far.  We all need to emulate this.  Fantastic!  Incredible!  Amazing!  But...you know what...too many characters with great, memorable dialogue, for me, just makes it seem like...well...like absolutely nothing.

Characters were fucking amazing!  I can literally picture each of those different Religion cops, as I know the visual would be just stunning.  Hell of an effort.

This one will stay with me until I get the opportunity to see it on film.

Stunning job, Brother!   You should be very proud.

Quoted from leitskev From my original comment: "There's at least an attempt at some kind of satire here about the metoo stuff going too far in the future."   Easy enough to spot that's the aim of the story, a satire about a future in which metoo has gone too far. Intriguiing. But I've read the story twice right now and I'm afraid I need someone smarter than me to explain what is actually going on in the scene. I just can't figure it. I get that men and women are kept separate and it takes some underground criminal network to arrange a date. But then I'm lost. The two thugs who arrange the date for money are both men. They sit there with running commentary, aparently part of the date. And they seem to be taking bets as to whether Cameron...THEIR client...will cross some line...and THEY are the referees. I simply can't make any sense of that. Which part of the world are Squint and Big Red coming from? I would presume the men's. Yet they are guarding Valerie? No female guards? And the female cops are waiting outside the door for Cameron to screw up? I realize we HAVE to suspend disbelief for any of these stories, and certainly for satire. For that sake, I can accept the 6 cops bursting in. But what confuses me, and makes it a very hard read, is what is motivating Squint and Big Red. Why do they sit next to them commenting on the date? Each time I've read it I find myself at a loss for what is going on. I'm sure Rick can explain it and set me straight. No doubt I have missed something crucial. In the unlikely possibility that I have not, I can offer a suggestion how this might have played better. Since Squint and Red seem to be almost betting if Cam will last the night, why not just do that so that it's more clear? And why not make Squint or Red a woman? So you have Val paying from her side(Red), Cam from his(Squint), and Red and Squint sit at the bar...but outside of earshot of Val and Cam. That would require either separate slugs for the bar, I know, but it makes more sense. Or mix in some VO. As it is it's like one conversation with 4 characters, 2 on a date and 2 watching them. F it, I'm going tp read it a fourth time right now. I miss things. I must be missing something and I don't want to be unfair. Ok, a clue: "He might actually do it. Have yee got the physical consent forms ready?" So apparently if he lasts the length of the candles without causing the whistle to be blown he gets consent to have sex. But that's not really apparent before that unless you infer from the title. It still needs to be puzzled out. When we see Cam paying Squint and Red, it's reasonable to infer they are doing something illegal, and doing it for Cam. So why would THEY be the ones with the whistle? For this to make sense there should be women counterparts that meet them, and THEY have the whistles to alert the police, who are waiting in the sewer for some reason for Cam to screw up.

If I'm not mistaken, Squint and Red are supposed to be beta males(basically guys who side with the crazy SJW's. Could be way off, though.

Then why do they sound like thugs? Shouldn't their characters be drawn like hipsters or MSNBC hosts?

Just went back and I can't find evidence of they're being beta males. Did I miss it? Squint is 65, Red's age not given. Both seem like classic street thugs.

They are seriously AMAZING characters...the kind you remember long after this challenge is over.

Easily a 5 in characters!  Great job, Rick!  You really nailed this.  You should be very proud.

Quoted from leitskev Just went back and I can't find evidence of they're being beta males. Did I miss it? Squint is 65, Red's age not given. Both seem like classic street thugs.

I'm probably way off... But if they aren't beta males than, IMO, they should be rewritten as such. I think it would make more sense. And it'd be a good opportunity for some more comedy.

Gotta fucking love those beta males...maybe even name them "BETA MALE".  YES!!!!

Maybe this is what this entry needs to go to #1!!!! Huh?

@Kev.


The basic idea was that the men on that side had been declared toxic, for whatever reason, (looks, past history, political/ religious beliefs) and separated from the women. But the guy, who was probably just young when the separation happened, had paid money to arrange an illegal date. The Police were bribed to turn a blind eye. But the consequences of dating are so extreme that they had to be there in case anything went wrong. They've come to a sort of arrangement that if anyone can prove themselves non toxic over time, then maybe they can be let into the other side. I had it explained at one point, but like all my other scripts, I had to chop sections out to try to get to the five pages.

The two men are not the referees, the woman would be the ultimate referee. They are just criminal types. But only criminal in this world. They're just ordinary men, but they smuggle dates under the wall, like people smuggle drugs in todays society. The Scot is a typical scot, and the last line was there to show that he probably is a toxic male. I don't think squint is toxic, he's just ugly and has been excluded for that... But that's too subtle for anyone to get.

It was consent forms for hand holding, not sex. You'd need approval from the High Court for that kind of thing, here!

The vague idea was that if he could keep it going, he might eventually get the equivalent of a green card and get invited by the woman into the other side. So there would be another date, and another, eventually they'd talk without cards. She would apply for a visa to let him in... Obviously all of that is outside the remit of the story.

If I was ever going to make it, I'd get rid of all the sewer stuff and just focus on the test.. The date...and everything would be a lot more obvious.

Anyway, it amuses me that some people didn't get it. This is the way of the world now. Men walking round with consent apps, and recording their conversations. CCTV in every room in case of false allegations. Young men standing six feet away from women in the club, and practically grovelling, asking if they can talk to the woman. Can I talk to you? Is that OK? Are you sure that's alright? Just say if it isn't.

BTW Kev, squint and big red are in the bar area, they're not sat next to the daters.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films BTW Kev, squint and big red are in the bar area, they're not sat next to the daters.

"sat next to" - HA!  WTF does that mean, Rick?  Oh...that's a slang thang, right?  Oh boy...  

Colloquialism meaning sitting.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Colloquialism meaning sitting.

Yeah...you should lose that "colloquialism".  Sounds absolutely terrible, and amateur hour.  For reals.  You're better than that...I thought...

@Pia and LC.

I'm very pleased with the fact you found it funny. I was worried people on "the other side of the wall" might find it offensive, which, of course, wasn't my intention. Obviously, there are some issues here that are not a laughing matter.

In a longer piece I think I'd try to find a way to poke more fun at the men on the Toxic Male side.

What works here is that the story is current and easy to make. The location is shite, but that can easily be changed for an office... or even a bar or nightclub. The title's a bit wank too.

You do have something here that students should want to produce. Maybe it could even be extended to a Black Mirror episode length and attempt to sell it that way.

If I was going to make it I'd make it more bureaucratic. A long, comedic process where he has to apply for a date and undergo psychiatric evaluation, lie detector tests etc in a very official, and officious test centre...and then you'd find out it was just to meet a girl and we'd go into an expanded version of the date...which he'd inevitably fail.

Thank you for the reply, Rick, much appreciated.

I agree with Dustin there is potentially something here someone might want to shoot.

I also do think the humor comes through quite well. As did the apt satire.

The only thing that got in the way for me was confusion about what was going on in the story. Most of that was caused by my not really understanding what was driving Squint and Red. It may be that most others had no problem in understanding that. I can be dense, and particularly dense with scripts.

I certainly can relate to the frustration of putting together a story and having a reader not understand all of the relevant parts that hold the story together. My last round's entry was just a bit of goofing around, but this round was fairly tight I think. It does challenge the reader to think a bit  about what's happening, but horror should do that. But at least half the readers didn't reallly try to understand and it got hung up on little thinngs....things it turns out they had wrong.

Anyway, if I'm one of a few that didn't fully understand your scenario here, chalk it up to me being a little slow. If there are others, maybe consider making things more clear in the set up. Zack was talking about beta males, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all, so I think there might still be some confusion.

As far as the bar location, I understood that, but what I didn't understand was whether the table was right next to the bar. By no means am I the slug police. But without the separate location, it felt to me like Squint and Red were sitting so close that they were in the same conversation as Cam and Val. That was the point where I got most confused and my mind wandered. I have no idea how that should be structured. It seems to me maybe a mini slug, but I don't know.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films If I was going to make it I'd make it more bureaucratic. A long, comedic process where he has to apply for a date and undergo psychiatric evaluation, lie detector tests etc in a very official, and officious test centre...and then you'd find out it was just to meet a girl and we'd go into an expanded version of the date...which he'd inevitably fail.

That sounds like it'd be hilarious, Rick. You should totally write it.

It's not a problem, Kev. It's full of mistakes and I couldn't make it as clear as I wanted, so if you didn't understand it, it's really not your fault in this instance.


In the original cut Squint and Red were also the waiters and had silly clothes on. When I cut that part, I didn't correct the slugs.

The simplest way to clarify what’s there is to introduce the the main location, a mini-slug or full slug for the bar, then INTERCUT. It’s up to the director to decide when to show whom, and when to use “V.O.” to hear one pair talking as we see the other pair.

It's funny how perception is. On first read, I liked the dialog through the early pages. But then when I got confused about what was going on in the story, my ability to appreciate the good dialog that came was lost. I can appreciate it much more now.

Even after the re-reads, I still missed the big picture. I thought there was a part of the city where women lived and a part where men lived. That could be plausible in the future. So when a man and a woman become interested in sex, which is illegal, they have to go through these underground operations, which are tolerated by bought-off authorities as long as the rules are obeyed. Obviously I had it wrong. From the comments, I wasn't the only one who thought men and women were living in a separate world.

Your actual story is a better vision of that separation, more about immigration into the politically correct society. Not sure what Val gets out of it, presumably there is a male shortage on the other side.

I actually liked the description of Val. I see from the comments that bothered some, I liked it.

I don't think you've got it wrong, I just figured there would have to be some men over the other side to reproduce, so as long as they're very, very politically correct they're tolerated.

If I ever come back to it, I'll try to make everything clear.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I don't think you've got it wrong, I just figured there would have to be some men over the other side to reproduce, so as long as they're very, very politically correct they're tolerated.

Isn't that kind of what a beta male is? A super politically correct guy? They're practically feminists.

Maybe I'm getting my terminology mixed up. Maybe the guys I'm talking about are called White Knights? I don't know. It's all bizarre to me.

Quoted from Zack Isn't that kind of what a beta male is? A super politically correct guy? They're practically feminists. Maybe I'm getting my terminology mixed up. Maybe the guys I'm talking about are called White Knights? I don't know. It's all bizarre to me.

That's one option to do: Val is coming over seeking a more raw male because she's sick of MSNBC types. But in the end she can't get past the revulsion she's been raised to experience with un-approved male contact.

The easiest way to have someone yearn for the “normal” before the “new normal” is to have someone old enough to remember the Bad Old Days, like Winston Smith in 1984.

Good advice, Frank.

Finally got around to this one.

Overall, it met the parameters for sure - but IMO suffers from it.  The sewer just seems like such an illogical, forced place for this story. No blame here as that is the location you were given - but if you are re-writing - I'd nuke it as a location. It just made no sense to me that this particular story would take place in a sewer.

The humor was too over the top for me. But that is just my personal taste. Some will find it dead on. I found it so exaggerated that it quickly lost it's oomph. But again, that is a taste thing.

Quoted Text In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie. "

This specific line didn't land with me - HOWEVER - kudos for the effort. I love the effective use of asides and a writer's attempt to try something new and interesting style wise. Too many writer's voices sound the same and I applaud you for the effort.

Thematically it strayed a bit - went from a METOO thing to Lesbian's trannies, Jewish and Indians. It shifts right here:

Quoted Text A door on the other side of the room BURSTS open. Six Racially, Sexually and Gender Diverse TACTICAL ASSAULT POLICE OFFICERS in Rainbow Coloured Uniforms swarm inside, their weapons pointing at Cameron.

So you kind of move to METOO to all things PC - that - IMO - it too chaotic thematically for a five-pager. I would have just stuck with the dating aspect.  Again - others liked that you did that, so it may just be me.

Hated the ending. Not sure I can articulate why - it was just a dud - cringe worthy - for me.

The wall - that was a real logic issue for me.

Quoted Text TOXIC MALES, KEEP OUT!

So - I get it if there is a wall between men and women (i.e., all contact is chaperoned and monitored). But once it is narrowed down to "toxic males" - while does the woman even need to go into the sewer?? Presumably - non-toxic males are on her side of the wall and she can simply date them.

Okay - that's it. It did not meet my personal tastes but certainly met many others and was a solid effort for three days work.  

Somehow I think it would work better as a feature where you have a lot more time to be subtle and nuanced and develop the bureaucracy of romance in the future world.

Haha. Good review, Dave.

This is the silliest thing I've ever written. It's funny to see it dealt with so seriously.


The only thing I'd disagree with is the last part about the "Toxic Males". That's their opinion, of course, not necessarily the truth. And of course, women are often attracted to genuinely Toxic Males. Isis terrorists have little trouble getting women to cross the world to marry them, drug dealers are always surrounded by beautiful women, as are rebellious musicians, philandering sports stars, groping film producers, misogynistic business men etc.  

When I go into Hvar Town later to Carpe Diem, it won't be the Russian Mafia lads struggling to get a woman, believe me, it'll be the guys too respectful of women to dare go to talk to them!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Haha. Good review, Dave. This is the silliest thing I've ever written. It's funny to see it dealt with so seriously. The only thing I'd disagree with is the last part about the "Toxic Males". That's their opinion, of course, not necessarily the truth. And of course, women are often attracted to genuinely Toxic Males. Isis terrorists have little trouble getting women to cross the world to marry them, drug dealers are always surrounded by beautiful women, as are rebellious musicians, philandering sports stars, groping film producers, misogynistic business men etc.   When I go into Hvar Town later to Carpe Diem, it won't be the Russian Mafia lads struggling to get a woman, believe me, it'll be the guys too respectful of women to dare go to talk to them!

Don't disagree with the above - But...in your story...

The male isn't particularly toxic -  i.e., seemed like a guy who would be on the non-toxic side of the wall. And the female (tran) seemed shocked/displeased by even the mildest male behavior (i.e., didn't seem like a person who'd be seeking a toxic male when the non-toxic ones are readily available on her side of the wall).

Anyway - nuff of that.  

True, but she doesn't know who or what she's going to meet.  

I was imagining that there were very few men over there, and those that were, were essentially slaves so this relatively normal woman was trying things out...maybe for money, maybe for the experience, maybe simply for love...but she's still from this world where the slightest contact without written consent is beyond terrifying.

In my head the main guy was raised in the men's world, perhaps by a single father...but he's desperate to get to the other side for a better life.

The sewer thing was throwing me all along, as you realised. I wanted to make it key, so had to find a reason he'd be going under something...so I came up with the idea of an impassable wall, with men on one side and women on the other. But then the only ending I could think of was the what I had here...which required men (although maybe not, actually...) so it got a bit confused.

In the unlikely event I develop it, it will be as you say, more subtle. Something like Idiocracy in tone, I suppose. Comedy is even harder to film than it is to write, so it's not on my immediate to do list.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films True, but she doesn't know who or what she's going to meet.   I was imagining that there were very few men over there, and those that were, were essentially slaves so this relatively normal woman was trying things out...maybe for money, maybe for the experience, maybe simply for love...but she's still from this world where the slightest contact without written consent is beyond terrifying. In my head the main guy was raised in the men's world, perhaps by a single father...but he's desperate to get to the other side for a better life. The sewer thing was throwing me all along, as you realised. I wanted to make it key, so had to find a reason he'd be going under something...so I came up with the idea of an impassable wall, with men on one side and women on the other. But then the only ending I could think of was the what I had here...which required men (although maybe not, actually...) so it got a bit confused. In the unlikely event I develop it, it will be as you say, more subtle. Something like Idiocracy in tone, I suppose. Comedy is even harder to film than it is to write, so it's not on my immediate to do list.

Got it

Best of luck with it should you ever return to it.

Great review by Dave.

As far as the sewer, while you might not choose it in a film without the criteria, it actually kind of works...or at least the fact that the meeting area would be underground, perhaps, in a tunnel. So it's a good use of the criteria for the challenge.