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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Foul Case of the Feculent Fiend - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde, Moderator
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  Author    The Foul Case of the Feculent Fiend - WT2  (currently 452 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Foul Case of the Feculent Fiend by Author Number 2 - The world's greatest detective races to stop London drowning in a quagmire of its own manure. - Short, Comedy


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-------------
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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Great title.

Nice parody of Sherlock and Watson. The opening part was exceptional, I thought. It felt very Holmsian and at the same time it was funny.

The second part was a bit OTT for me. There was some really inventive stuff, but it lost that sharp wit that was so successful in the first part.

Still, this is a roaring success.
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Dustin
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 1:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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This started well but then it went down the tubes and too far removed from Sherlock Holmes to call it a parody. That it was Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson didn't matter at all. It could have been anybody down there. It's a good idea, I just feel that you didn't have long enough to work it properly. Possibly a too difficult subject matter as you needed to research.

To pull something like this off in a couple of days would take a Sherlock expert. Somebody that knew all there was to know about the books. Not enough nods for me to call this a parody.

Well done, it's a nice try. You just bit off more than you could chew.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Ooo Sherlock Holmes - This gets my hopes up. It's either clever or a total cop out as the characters are immediately already established. And, as far as I know, Sherlock and all related characters are in the public domain... so no issues there.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR WATSON
What the Fu --


This feels out of place


Quoted Text
HOLMES
My Oriental nemesis, I was right.


Does Holmes say he is right? I'm not too familiar with the stories, to be honest, but doesn't he always think he is right? and so, doesn't need to say it as if it is some kind of achievement.

Ok I'm done

It's a valiant effort, I give you kudos for the attempt. Writing a well known and loved character is hard, and ultimately it may be the downfall of this script - It might have been a better idea to use your own characters who act like a poor mans Sherlock and Watson, could have opened this up to the comedy more... just my opinion.

Didn't hit all the right buttons for me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Sherlock and Holmes>  Really?

So, we know the year is 1890, but for some very, very odd reason, you don't know how old your characters are.  That's a problem...a problem peeps just don't seem to understand.

I am not a fan of Sherlock Holmes, so almost all of this is lost on me.  I do see a talented writer here, though.

What I don't get is this pile of (insert all the different names you used for shit here) is all about, or why a fountain of yellow pee would shoot up - as in shoot up from what?

Story - Yes, you came up with a story, so kudos.

Characters - Hard to judge here, as you decided to use "real" fictitious characters.

Dialogue - It's good for sure, but again, I think you probably used exact words and phrases from these characters.

Prose - It's good for the most part.

Criteria - sewer, comedy, a whistle (or 4).


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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hawkeye
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Whistle, check. Sewer, check. Comedy, check.

Overall not badly written.  Not sure why Holmes and Watson are investigating a backed up London sewer. But I guess you had to get them down there. At that point it becomes “Dueling whistles,” at least until the sax-Rohmer-ophone comes out. I have to confess: that joke completely flew over my head. A hit and miss effort with a thin plot line, but that still puts you ahead of most of what I’ve read so far.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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Liked the early pages. Later pages, not so much.

A whistle battle with an oriental villain just doesn't strike me as a Sherlock Holmes storyline. Not that you were playing it straight... you weren't, and I'll give you space for that... but, I think it would have worked better played a bit more straight.

Still, ambitious to take on such a large challenge with well-known, loved characters. Risky, too.

Didn't get there for me, but I respect the effort.


PaulKWrites.com

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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Ordure That's one I didn't know.

Writing in the style of Arthur Conan Doyle. I'm impressed. It's a little bit pedestrian mid-way but you got a smile out of me with the last line. Holmes & Watson are always interesting but the humour is usually of the dry caustic wit type, which you emulate very well.

I kept waiting for Peter Sellers to make an appearance.  
*Reading back other feedback now, I shoulda got that Sax Rohmer pun.

Very good effort, just doesn't have me rolling in the aisles.


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Warren
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Another Victorian sewer, they seem popular for some reason. All the Brits I'd say. Also surprised at the amount of spoofs.


Quoted Text
DOCTOR WATSON
Foul smelling bottom hole you are
such a wag.


The bolding feels like when you have to explain a joke to someone and then it isn't funny anymore. As a personal preference I also don't like seeing it in a script.


Quoted Text
HOLMES (O.C.)
Come, Watson, the game is afoot.


(O.S.) would be better, (O.C) is generally reserved for sitcoms. Everyone will know what you mean anyway.


Quoted Text
HOLMES
Elementary my Dear Watson.


Elementary, my Dear Watson.


Quoted Text
Watson cannot process the scene and control his motor
functions at the same time


Quite unfilmable.


Quoted Text
Fu Manchu takes a deep breath, purses his lip and blows.
The WHISTLE is pure, increases in volume with each second.


This whistle battle is pretty funny.


Quoted Text
The rats raise up onto their hind legs and march forward in
some macabre impersonation of infantry soldiers.


In another thread we've just deduced they may actually be smarter than infantry soldiers.


Quoted Text
FU MANCHU
Curse you Holmes


Curse you, Holmes

No fade in or out because of the space?

There were some funny parts to this, I quite liked it. The writing could use a bit of a touch-up, but it's by no means bad.

I think I know who wrote this.

All the best.




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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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I think people can be too harsh on unfilmmables.. I was the same once. I still don't like them for certain things, but they're OK for character reactions... Here you can imagine the actor blinking, in shock and unable to walk properly.. All of which is filmmable/actable.

Sorry if it seems like I'm following you round, picking on you, Warren. I just like the discussion!
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Warren
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I think people can be too harsh on unfilmmables.. I was the same once. I still don't like them for certain things, but they're OK for character reactions... Here you can imagine the actor blinking, in shock and unable to walk properly.. All of which is filmmable/actable.

Sorry if it seems like I'm following you round, picking on you, Warren. I just like the discussion!


All good. It's worth pointing out that I love a good unfilmable and aside, I use them in almost every script I write, well probably every actually.

What I don't care for is when I think (so in my opinion) they aren't used in a good way, this was an example for me. I think this would be better writen visually. Show me the blinking in shock, scripts are meant to be visual. I like an aside when it aids the visual. This for me personally didn't. You may obviously disagree.

I don't point out every aside or unfilmable in a script only the ones I feel aren't a good fit.

Once the results are revealed feel free to go back and read my scripts, you'll see what I mean.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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It felt off to me as well. I don't think it was the actual phrase though, it somehow came out of the blue or something.
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LC
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Well, we're all different. I thought it worked well (the motor functions line) and was written in the style befitting this type of script.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Well, we're all different. I thought it worked well (the motor functions line) and was written in the style befitting this type of script.


We're getting very deep into mechanics now, but where I'd say the minor problem is, is that we go from the super-wide of the rats building something straight to Watson's reaction without first having set up that he's going to react to something.

Like :
Watson
What in damnation!

Then the rats, then the reaction.

At the moment you sort of don't know that this bit will be about Watson, so it feels just slightly awkward.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  June 13th, 2019, 3:13pm
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stevie
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Yeah the writing on this did evoke the feel of Holmes/ Watson pretty darn well. It just wasn’t funny


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