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I liked how simple the set up was. The brother and sister going off for an adventure is a simple trope that just works.
It's actually a set up that could go anywhere...real horror, coming of age drama, thriller etc
Here the ending felt a bit off. The reason is a simple one. The turn around is that the scaredy cat isn't scared of the actually scary thing and the other one who isn't scared all the way through is suddenly scared. He needs to be more over confident for that to work...I'm scared of nothing, kind of thing, and he needs to get more angry at her for being scared.
All the stuff outside the sewer was extraneous as well.
a 6 year age difference is quite alot...unless they are siblings.
The way the opening line is written, it sounds like they're both wearing Pikachu backpacks.
OK, cool. You let us know through dialogue that they are siblings. Good job.
Page 1 - Writing is fine, but absolutely no sense of comedy here. Almost feels like a horror setup.
OK, so the comedy element is going to be the constant use of the whistle? Not funny to me, more irritating, but I get what you're going for here.
Page 3 - You attempted to inject some humor by going above ground and showing the results of the whistling, but it's not very funny, and if you think about it, you have to wonder just where everyone is here - we started out near a highway and now we have a grandfather and granddaughter walking along a sidewalk. Doesn't make alot of sense, and all these things have absolutely nothing to do with the "story".
Another giant rat? As big as a wolf? Uh...OK, so the tone just completely flipped here, huh?
The ending is just weird to me.
Story - Not much at all.
Characters - They're fine, although very inconsistent.
Kind of middle of the road for me. Mainly because the ending just happens.
It's the story of finding a boat that turns into the story of finding a rat who happens to have the boat. That subtle shift breaks the story.
Writing is fine. Nothing ground-breaking. Nothing bad. Just, there.
There's the possibility for layering... and certainly you have the beginnings of it with the brother leading the way, then bolting at the end.
As I say... simple enough. But, it leaves me wanting more.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Written well but didn't do anything to crack me up unfortunately.
You know what mom will do if she catches us? Where you can replace 'mom' with a proper name e.g. Karen, 'mom' needs to be capped.
FYI, I wasn't drawn to the title.
I get it. She's afraid of snakes and he's afraid of rats. We're all scared of something. The rat is how big?! I don't think the sound of the whistle: TWEEEEEEEET! works at all well. Sources tell me FWEET! is often used in comics - onomatopoeia. I don't really think that's much better.
It's very good. Very good. The decisions you made, the role of the whistle, the relaxed and relaxing humor with its innocent characteristics, which is so rare to be found these days- wow. It could have been quicker in act 2 but damn I won't hold that against you- And also how the both main characters changed their roles completely so that the little girl in a sense wins the script… or that the rat becomes a friend which felt super consistent with your narrative style. Chapeau. Just let me give you high fives.
I was left feeling so so about this one. It shows obvious writing talent in the prose, and there’s a lot of white space on the page, which I like. But the story itself felt uneven — so much time is spent on describing the TWEEETS and building up the story, that when we get to the end it seems anti-climatic. A rat as big as a wolf? That’s a big damn rat.
I would lose a page of them on the search and get them meeting the rat much sooner. I also wouldn’t lose the brother at the end. Make him stick around, showing him to be scared while the sister is the brave one. Just my thoughts. Otherwise good writing on display here and all the boxes of the criteria are checked.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Good story. Likable characters. Not sure Kim is sane, but her antics with the whistle sure were annoying! To make her “adopting” the rat easier to believe, perhaps Billy warns her at the start that there’s no way she’s going to find any cute animals in the sewer to make friends with.