SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:09pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  The Quest for the Red Boat - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Quest for the Red Boat - WT2  (currently 1378 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Quest for the Red Boat by Willard - Two children go into a sewer to find a lost toy boat. - Short, Comedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36

Hi writer,


Quoted Text
Kim blows the whistle hard: TWEEEEEEEET!


I've never been a fan of comic book sounds in a script, personal preference I know.

I don’t know, I kind of liked it, but it felt really anticlimactic, and I'm not sure the ending really fits.

The writing is good, nothing pulled me out other than what I mentioned, but it works quite well here with what you have.

It meets the criteria so no issues there.

I think I'll come back and read this one again once I've read them all.

All the best.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 6:06am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
I liked how simple the set up was. The brother and sister going off for an adventure is a simple trope that just works.

It's actually a set up that could go anywhere...real horror, coming of age drama, thriller etc

Here the ending felt a bit off. The reason is a simple one. The turn around is that the scaredy cat isn't scared of the actually scary thing and the other one who isn't scared all the way through is suddenly scared. He needs to be more over confident for that to work...I'm scared of nothing, kind of thing, and he needs to get more angry at her for being scared.

All the stuff outside the sewer was extraneous as well.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 10:43am Report to Moderator
Guest User



a 6 year age difference is quite alot...unless they are siblings.

The way the opening line is written, it sounds like they're both wearing Pikachu backpacks.

OK, cool.  You let us know through dialogue that they are siblings.  Good job.

Page 1 - Writing is fine, but absolutely no sense of comedy here.  Almost feels like a horror setup.

OK, so the comedy element is going to be the constant use of the whistle?  Not funny to me, more irritating, but I get what you're going for here.

Page 3 - You attempted to inject some humor by going above ground and showing the results of the whistling, but it's not very funny, and if you think about it, you have to wonder just where everyone is here - we started out near a highway and now we have a grandfather and granddaughter walking along a sidewalk.  Doesn't make alot of sense, and all these things have absolutely nothing to do with the "story".

Another giant rat?  As big as a wolf?  Uh...OK, so the tone just completely flipped here, huh?

The ending is just weird to me.

Story - Not much at all.

Characters - They're fine, although very inconsistent.

Dialogue - Nothing great, nothing terrible.

Prose - Good.  I see very few issues.

Criteria - Check.  You got it.





Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 18
jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
I like this one. It’s cute, light hearted humour.  I’d raise Kim’s age by few years.  A good use of the whistle objective.

The story was good.  It’s not war and peace.  Just a simple story.

Easily meets the criteria.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
A light little tale.

Kind of middle of the road for me. Mainly because the ending just happens.

It's the story of finding a boat that turns into the story of finding a rat who happens to have the boat. That subtle shift breaks the story.

Writing is fine. Nothing ground-breaking. Nothing bad. Just, there.

There's the possibility for layering... and certainly you have the beginnings of it with the brother leading the way, then bolting at the end.

As I say... simple enough. But, it leaves me wanting more.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
stevie
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Nice tale for kiddies. Written ok.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
LC
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Written well but didn't do anything to crack me up unfortunately.

You know what mom will do if she
catches us?

Where you can replace 'mom' with a proper name e.g. Karen, 'mom' needs to be capped.

FYI, I wasn't drawn to the title.

I get it. She's afraid of snakes and he's afraid of rats. We're all scared of something. The rat is how big?!
I don't think the sound of the whistle: TWEEEEEEEET! works at all well.  Sources tell me FWEET!  is often used in comics - onomatopoeia. I don't really think that's much better.

Characters were cute, just didn't make me giggle.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 6:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

A lot of writers in this round use TWEEEET for the sound of a whistle..... is there some secret onomatopoeia club that I'm not privy to?

Funny, I like this. Good characters, good dialogue, nice relationship between the two.

detritus... jeez, you writers love making me feel dumb. OK, googled it, moving on....

A wolf-sized rat? There's a tone shift... I feel jolted now... Haha! never mind, you pulled it back. Love that role reversal.

OK, nicely done! I'm throwing points at you


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Zack
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:48am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Yet another light-hearted one. I think you did a good job with this.

Both the kids felt real, no easy feat. The dialog flowed naturally.

Simple story, but humorous and effective. A fast, easy read.

Great work here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Nice tale and well written, hard to find too much to criticise.

I think tonally iot shifts around a little and borders on PG horror more than once.

The comedy is limited, especially in the beginning, but it increases towards the end and I really like the end as it is well setup.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
Philostrate
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
341
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Writer,

I enjoyed this one. Another nice light-hearted tale.

The quest story is okay, simple but entertaining.

I also liked the atmosphere you created when the kids enter the sewer network. Well done.

The comedy is light, but it has its moments.

Nice touch with Kim and the huge rat at the end.

Good job,
David


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
The Quest for the Red Boat

It's very good. Very good. The decisions you made, the role of the whistle, the relaxed and relaxing humor with its innocent characteristics, which is so rare to be found these days- wow. It could have been quicker in act 2 but damn I won't hold that against you-
And also how the both main characters changed their roles completely so that the little girl in a sense wins the script… or that the rat becomes a friend which felt super consistent with your narrative style. Chapeau. Just let me give you high fives.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:58am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
I was left feeling so so about this one. It shows obvious writing talent in the prose, and there’s a lot of white space on the page, which I like. But the story itself felt uneven — so much time is spent on describing the TWEEETS and building up the story, that when we get to the end it seems anti-climatic. A rat as big as a wolf? That’s a big damn rat.

I would lose a page of them on the search and get them meeting the rat much sooner. I also wouldn’t lose the brother at the end. Make him stick around, showing him to be scared while the sister is the brave one. Just my thoughts. Otherwise good writing on display here and all the boxes of the criteria are checked.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
Spqr
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Good story. Likable characters. Not sure Kim is sane, but her antics with the whistle sure were annoying! To make her “adopting” the rat easier to believe, perhaps Billy warns her at the start  that there’s no way she’s going to find any cute animals in the sewer to make friends with.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006