Whistle by Me - A German Shepherd loses his life trying to do a good deed for his cripple sidekick. - Short, Comedy, Animationer plans. - Short, Comedy, Animated

There are quite a lot of misspelled words and typos here. Remember to use spell check and grammar checkers such as Pro writing aid, Hemingway, whitesmoke, grammarly etc

The story has some amusing moments, plus some moments which are funny, but I don't know if they can be realistically translated to film... Arseholes opening for Eg.
I felt bad for Thor. The whole story is about getting him hurt, I would have preferred if he teamed up with Dillian to give the bully his comeuppance... The expected ending, but the right one imo.

Just as a heads up for everyone, this script was entered out of competition. The writer missed the first week deadline, but still wished to compete.

Hmmm, where'd this pop up from all of a sudden?  OK, let's see what we've got here.

Logline has me worried, as this is supposed to be a comedy and we know a dog is going to die?    Well...again, let's see.

Title page very poor, as you didn't take the time or effort to delete the garbage on there.

You don't have your pages numbered, which is a problem, and you didn't take the time or effort to delete Page 6, which just looks sloppy.

OH boy - opening Slug has a time element of "CONTINUOUS"?  WTF?  Horrible beginning.

Writing style is very irritating right away.  You're using a smartass sort of vibe and it ain't working.  You've used, "we watch", "close on", and "we see", all in 1st 4 passages.

Wow, so many mistakes, spelling, punctuation, proper English.  Not good.

Sorry, but this is so poorly written, it's almost like I'm reading a pisser that is written as poorly as possible for comedic effect.

Terrible.  The tone is completely fucked.  The writing is awful.  This kind of thing actually pisses me off.

Story - weak and dumb

Characters - poor

Dialogue - awful

Prose - lowest possible score

Criteria - barely in a sewer.  In fact, it's so minimal, I'm not even going to give you the points for it, as this script doesn't warrant more than a 1.0 score, and that's pushing it.

Welcome to SimplyScripts KS!

I hope you enjoyed your first taste of Bush.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Welcome to SimplyScripts KS! I hope you enjoyed your first taste of Bush.

Sorry!  I have to be real, though.

First slug... continuous... from what? Makes me question the seriousness of the entry. I'll assume you're serious, but that's a bad start.

You're getting too cutesy in the first action blocks. One or two asides to establish tone is fine (though some won't even like that), but this is just way too many.

Hubble telescope line worked for me. That's enough for tone. I'd recommend dropping all others.

Drop all references to specific camera views. You're the writer, not the director. You can achieve the same effect without the direction. Example: you have - "Thor POV - Dylan stands on the jungle jim." Just have Thor look over there. Using POV throws us from the story and into a technical mindset. (I can see the argument for your first use of POV - as you're trying to show us what the world looks like through Dillan's Hubble-sized glasses.)

Sewer is an add-on, and completely useless to the story. The dog could have hopped the fence and ended up in the exact same spot: the backyard. Now, if he pops up in the house, that's different. But, he didn't.

In these challenges, you should work really hard to integrate the parameters into the story. Make them essential. Otherwise, you'll get dinged on score... or in most challenges you'll be disqualified. So, work harder on that next round.

None of this is my style of humor... so, I won't comment on that, except to say all the sexual jokes combined with a 5 year old child will lose you a great deal of audience. But, hey, this isn't written for mass appeal, so your call to make.

I did like that you aren't afraid to try something different. Dillan's a funny little character, and Thor is unique. It's a strange little world you've created, and I like that.

Bottom line: didn't work for me. And, with this style of humor... the fact that you lost Dreamscale (Jeff) is a bad sign. Because, I'd think he would be in your target audience.

Good on you to get an entry in. Good luck and keep writing!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I hope you enjoyed your first taste of Bush.

It's an acquired taste.

Writer - Welcome to SS

I hope you don't take the feedback you have received personally. Take it on the chin and learn from it.

You know yourself it is full of errors as you rushed in a late entry and wrote it all on a phone. When you enter these challenges on here you gotta bring your A-game - Not much gets past the reviewers here.

As I don't have to score this one, I only read the first page and jumped out - It's not my type of humour and so I wouldn't have enjoyed the read.

Hope you have enjpyed your first taste of SS

I encourage a degree of risk taking with script prose, but maybe dial it back a little.

Scored it ok. Sorry about brief notes.

Whistle

Okay, right away there are some formatting issues …

Read it. The characters don't truly interact; there's rather one character in each scene who insistently talks and dominates the other. Too many WE POV and technical details that are unnecessary and slow down the story.  Few Sewer here… like 5 seconds…. There's just too much chichi everywhere. With a different presentation, the story may have shined. F.i. the Thor, speaking dog character, seems fine to build something from it. I also liked their duo-combination of Dillan not-speaking. There's potential but wrong form yet-

Hi writer,

Quoted Text EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

You can’t start your script with a slug that uses CONTINUOUS. What is it continuing from? We also now don’t immediately know if it's night or day.

Quoted Text What a nice piece of real estate. Couple big nice maple trees surrounded by a jungle gym, swing set, and sand box.

Nice is really the worst descriptive word you could use, here you have two.

Nice piece of real estate isn’t visual, describe it to us, what makes it "nice"?

Quoted Text We watch from

I personally don’t think there is ever a good enough reason to use 'we/anything' there is always a better way to get the point across.

Quoted Text n finishes his master piece. All.. most...done!

This really isn’t visual at all. Remember you need to write what we will see on screen. While a well-placed aside or unfilmable can enhance a script, I don’t think you are quite at that point yet. Also missing a period on one of the ellipses, always “...”

Quoted Text Close on Dillan we see

Camera angle followed closely by a "we see", I think if these are used in a truly unique way that genuinely adds to the story they are okay, otherwise, and like in this situation, I'd just stay clear of them.

I'm going to stop with the nit-picking now and just read the story, I think I've given you a few things to work on/think about, they can probably be applied to the rest of your writing if you feel they are helpful.

There is something about a 5 year old building "throbbing boners" that doesn’t sit right with me. I'm actually going to tap out now as this isn’t a required read.

All the best.

This one is all over the place and doesn't make a ton of sense... it's also barely in the sewer.

But I did like the idea of the disbaled talking dog, for some reason this struck me as funny!