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Is that to warn them not to buy my stuff lol I mean, I ended the film with Slimbo eating the spaghetti, not the meatball Dobo fought so hard for, i'm such an amateur lol
The meatball complements the spaghetti. It's an integral part of the dish.
I think the reason I couldn't fully get into this was that I was thrown by the lack of backstory. Where did the plate of spaghetti come from? Is there a group of hyenas with a stovetop in a nearby enclosure? If so, how did they acquire the noodles? I'm assuming the zoo has a quickie mart, but, you don't show it. And see, that's the trouble. I shouldn't be left to assume important details.
Like, is it a turkey meatball, or beef? Beef I can believe. Turkey would be a stretch, but would certainly give us a sense as to the motivations of our lead. I'd know just a little more about Dobo.
As it sits, it's just your standard "chimpanzee gets plate of spaghetti for his mate" story. Too bad. It could have been so much more.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
The sound effects took me completely out of the read. Also points deducted for failure to include any chimp poo throwing.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
The comedy of this thread is all over the place, ranging from tongue-in-cheek to laugh out loud to breaking the fourth wall and winking at the audience. Can you just pick a lane?
Also, I don't understand many of the characters, but they are distinct and have their own voices. Good job there.
Parts of the thread dip heavily into drama. It doesn't mesh well, if you want two genres you should blend them together better.
Overall, it's entertaining but lacks direction. Maybe give them a goal so they stop meandering.
Overall, it's entertaining but lacks direction. Maybe give them a goal so they stop meandering.
FrankM's goal is clear, to goad someone into updating the standings. He's at the ground floor, someone higher up has been pouring cooking grease down the drain, and now there's a main-line blockage causing flooding. For some reason, the Custodian is flat-out unwilling to go down there and fix it. Must have been traumatic, because he refuses to even talk about it (or anything else).
FrankM's goal is clear, to goad someone into updating the standings. He's at the ground floor, someone higher up has been pouring cooking grease down the drain, and now there's a main-line blockage causing flooding. For some reason, the Custodian is flat-out unwilling to go down there and fix it. Must have been traumatic, because he refuses to even talk about it (or anything else).
But what's his motivation? Was FrankM's father a screenwriter who never showed his son's scripts love? Is he a greedy SOB who can't stand other people getting even a hint of the success he considers his? Maybe he's a philanthropist at heart and hopes that topping the standings will lead to a sale, and he can use the earnings to save his neighbor's sick puppy from a debilitating case of tick worm.
I need more.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
But what's his motivation? Was FrankM's father a screenwriter who never showed his son's scripts love? Is he a greedy SOB who can't stand other people getting even a hint of the success he considers his? Maybe he's a philanthropist at heart and hopes that topping the standings will lead to a sale, and he can use the earnings to save his neighbor's sick puppy from a debilitating case of tick worm.
I need more.
His immediate motivation is that he's married to a germaphobe, and it's difficult to get any work done while holding another adult in your arms.
About to get dental implant surgery and will be laid up all weekend. Hopefully can enter the next round. Also I really want to write some under the influence of some strong opioids. Fingers crossed! Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
About to get dental implant surgery and will be laid up all weekend. Hopefully can enter the next round. Also I really want to write some under the influence of some strong opioids. Fingers crossed! Gary
Sorkin? Is that you?
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror