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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  2019 Writers' Tournament Standings Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    2019 Writers' Tournament Standings  (currently 29670 views)
FrankM
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor


Is that to warn them not to buy my stuff lol I mean, I ended the film with Slimbo eating the spaghetti, not the meatball Dobo fought so hard for, i'm such an amateur lol


The meatball complements the spaghetti. It's an integral part of the dish.

Any self-respecting chimp from Italy knows that!


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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ReneC
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


The meatball complements the spaghetti. It's an integral part of the dish.

Any self-respecting chimp from Italy knows that!


Exactly. I like that Slimbo doesn't even differentiate, it's all just food to stuff in her face.


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PKCardinal
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I think the reason I couldn't fully get into this was that I was thrown by the lack of backstory. Where did the plate of spaghetti come from? Is there a group of hyenas with a stovetop in a nearby enclosure? If so, how did they acquire the noodles? I'm assuming the zoo has a quickie mart, but, you don't show it. And see, that's the trouble. I shouldn't be left to assume important details.

Like, is it a turkey meatball, or beef? Beef I can believe. Turkey would be a stretch, but would certainly give us a sense as to the motivations of our lead. I'd know just a little more about Dobo.

As it sits, it's just your standard "chimpanzee gets plate of spaghetti for his mate" story. Too bad. It could have been so much more.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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A real chimp would have mated his dinner date before dinner... and then not shared any. She can get her own.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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The sound effects took me completely out of the read. Also points deducted for failure to include any chimp poo throwing.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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ReneC
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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The comedy of this thread is all over the place, ranging from tongue-in-cheek to laugh out loud to breaking the fourth wall and winking at the audience. Can you just pick a lane?

Also, I don't understand many of the characters, but they are distinct and have their own voices. Good job there.

Parts of the thread dip heavily into drama. It doesn't mesh well, if you want two genres you should blend them together better.

Overall, it's entertaining but lacks direction. Maybe give them a goal so they stop meandering.


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FrankM
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReneC
Overall, it's entertaining but lacks direction. Maybe give them a goal so they stop meandering.


FrankM's goal is clear, to goad someone into updating the standings. He's at the ground floor, someone higher up has been pouring cooking grease down the drain, and now there's a main-line blockage causing flooding. For some reason, the Custodian is flat-out unwilling to go down there and fix it. Must have been traumatic, because he refuses to even talk about it (or anything else).


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


FrankM's goal is clear, to goad someone into updating the standings. He's at the ground floor, someone higher up has been pouring cooking grease down the drain, and now there's a main-line blockage causing flooding. For some reason, the Custodian is flat-out unwilling to go down there and fix it. Must have been traumatic, because he refuses to even talk about it (or anything else).


But what's his motivation? Was FrankM's father a screenwriter who never showed his son's scripts love? Is he a greedy SOB who can't stand other people getting even a hint of the success he considers his? Maybe he's a philanthropist at heart and hopes that topping the standings will lead to a sale, and he can use the earnings to save his neighbor's sick puppy from a debilitating case of tick worm.

I need more.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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FrankM
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PKCardinal


But what's his motivation? Was FrankM's father a screenwriter who never showed his son's scripts love? Is he a greedy SOB who can't stand other people getting even a hint of the success he considers his? Maybe he's a philanthropist at heart and hopes that topping the standings will lead to a sale, and he can use the earnings to save his neighbor's sick puppy from a debilitating case of tick worm.

I need more.


His immediate motivation is that he's married to a germaphobe, and it's difficult to get any work done while holding another adult in your arms.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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ReneC
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


His immediate motivation is that he's married to a germaphobe, and it's difficult to get any work done while holding another adult in your arms.


Did you use hand sanitizer before holding said germaphobe?


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FrankM
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReneC


Did you use hand sanitizer before holding said germaphobe?


Is this a serious question? Of course


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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About to get dental implant surgery and will be laid up all weekend. Hopefully can enter the next round. Also I really want to write some under the influence of some strong opioids. Fingers crossed!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Zack
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary in Houston
Hopefully can enter the next round. Also I really want to write some under the influence of some strong opioids. Fingers crossed!
Gary


Well, Gary's round 4 script should be easy to spot.  
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary in Houston
About to get dental implant surgery and will be laid up all weekend. Hopefully can enter the next round. Also I really want to write some under the influence of some strong opioids. Fingers crossed!
Gary


Sorkin? Is that you?


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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[quote=PKCardinal

As it sits, it's just your standard "chimpanzee gets plate of spaghetti for his mate" story. Too bad. It could have been so much more.[/quote]

I know - done thousand of times.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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