The Belly of the Beast by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as O Captain! My Captain! - Short, Horror - After a couple survive a horrific plane crash, they find that the nightmare has only just begun. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh wow this was bloody good! Had some real icky and chilling moments.  The criteria was met nicely though the ending is a little lame    But this was a tough challenge and I’ll forgive you that.

Great effort

Apart from the opening scene, which I didn't think worked at all, this was written superbly.

It's fast paced and tense.

There are a couple of things that undid this for me.

The first was the fact it was in Peru...the idea of such an aggressive tribe coming out of their isolation to attack so viciously didn't feel very realistic to me. Maybe if they were starving, or there were some other explanation...they thought the plane was some mythical creature etc. Otherwise, it feels a but like how Hollywood films used to demonise 'Injuns'. That's something you can add later, I think. Motivation for the attack.

The use of the hand sanitiser. I liked the flammable aspect, but it's quite a viscous substance. You can't just chuck it all over someone like it's a bottle of pure alcohol. I think if you tried what she tried, it would just gently drip out of the end of the bottle.

Still, I'll be surprised if it isn't one of the stronger entries.

Almost in slow motion?
Write that in if you want it to look that way - without the 'almost' apology. Yes, I know, we're writers primarily, not directors, but do it if you want and ignore the naysayers.

Not bad this. Good horror atmosphere. A lot of story filling five pages.
My only qualm is: Yes, sanitizer is flammable, but from the spark/ember of a cigarette?

I wonder too if it might look comical, that denouement.

A lot of thought went into this script.  I couldn’t stop reading . The action was written really well. You actually taught me something.  I thought you could only use “fade in” once to signify the start of the movie .  

The story was freaky. Crashing near a tribe of cannibal cluck cluck men.  They had a buffet in front of them and still wanted to kill.  Eating an eyeball like he’s popping in a jawbreaker was gross . Lol.

The death of Peter was good. He gets points for sacrificing himself lol. No one wants to watch someone they love die a horrific death .  I thought that gave the story its relatability .

I can’t think of anything to say to help you as a writer.  Like I said you taught me something..

Great job.

Now this is good writing. Strong opening, great pace, cinematic sequences, strong character and dialogue...really good stuff.

The story is what suffers for me. I can buy the xenophobic cannibalistic tribe who murders the strangers who fell from the sky. I can buy the hand sanitizer being used to light one of them on fire. But it's quickly evident that Jenny isn't going to get out of this alive despite her getting away at first, and what does her death really amount to? She killed one of tribesmen along with herself.

Maybe if they were intent on capturing her to bring back with them (and perhaps end up like the women in Bone Tomahawk) but she lights herself on fire to prevent a fate worse than death? That would be more horrific but mean more too.

I should have felt something from the ending, but it left me unaffected. No surprise, no satisfaction, no sorrow or horror.

I liked the writing on display here but had issues with some of the logic... and no I don’t mean the sanitiser and cig ember - i’m okay with that.

It starts with an announcement that they are preparing to descend into Lima, then they crash into a rainforest and then a primitive tribe attacks... this feels a stretch BUT an easy one to fix... just have them come down in a remote rainforest.

The tribesman and description seemed very Cannibal Holocaust/GReen Inferno... not sure they worked for me.

Those reservations aside, I thought the writing was strong here.

CRASH TO BLACK    Never seen that before. Kind of cool.

"aprons" took me out of the read a bit. Loin cloths maybe? i pictured Martha Stewart... shudder.

This is nice and dark. Parameters met... I'm buying into cannibals as horror.

Kept me reading. Well done overall.

Wow! What an interesting script! Superb writing here. Each and every sequence felt real, thrilling and cinematic. Perfect dose of emotions. Though I would have liked if PETER died after the crash. That would have been more heart breaking. Leaving your loved one behind to die is kind of selfish. I understand the situation but still it's a negative point in favor of a protagonist. Overall solid script.

Excellent!

Good meeting of the criteria here. Very interesting horror element combined with the sanitizer.

I was thrown off at the beginning because the announcement of "extinguish your cigarettes".  What airline allows smoking on flights anymore?  I kept thinking I would get a SUPER saying this was 1967 or something.

The scene inside the plane was well-drawn out and impactful.  Faced with the fight or flight alternative when you can't actually do either is a tough nut to swallow. You made it realistic and frightening.  The only thing I had a tough time visualizing is how big the wreckage was where Peter and Jenny were.  If the plane had broken apart, like described earlier, then it seems like there wouldn't be rows and rows of passenger seating and that the natives would have been on them immediately.  

I did like how you got Jenny into the toilet, but I'm less psyched about the resolution. It's pretty creative, but a little far-fetched.  But the writing here is good enough that I'm willing to give this part some slack.

Good writing on display here.  Great effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

It's alright.

It was quite a drag seeing how long it'll take Jenny to rescue Peter.  That second to last scene had logic issues for me.  And also, how big is this bathroom?  They're all tiny from my experience.  She's sitting on the toilet, the scene is set in the aisle. He breaks the door.  Is set on fire.  Rushes for the toilet yet she's using it as a seat.  He needs to get her out before he can rush in.

The ending wasn't good for me.  Jenny should have escaped or been rescued.

A solid story with non-stop action and tension.

The Belly of the Beast

The onboard shot of the descent should've had a better visual description. Everything is great in this scene but there's no word about a shaking cabin or stuff flying around, the overall decline etc… your version of a plane crash.

Okay, the good old burning cigarette blockbuster moment. Well, I saw a sanitizer explosion coming for sure, due to the criteria :-). You kept the story moving with some dead straight entertainment. Well done.

Hello writer

"Shortly we will begin our descent into Lima, Peru" - I've been on a lot of planes and not once has the pilot reminded me what country I'm landing in lol the city or airport, yeah. You probably did it to tell those who didn't know where Lima was. It doesn't matter one iota, just seemed strange.

"Extinguish your cigarettes" - on a chartered flight? what year is this in? Intriguing, and a clever way of telling us (the reader) we are in the past - but wouldn't you need a more obvious way to tell a producer that this is in a different period? I dunno... I'm waffling

"CRASH TO BLACK" - I like that, wish I had thought of it lol

Bloody hell, these tribesmen are a bit vicious - I like 'em, and this is already standing out from other entries.

Some bloody good writing here and some very good story telling, but I'm sure you already know that.

I think the hand sanitizer hinders this story somewhat, but what can you do - it's used well.

Overall - bloody good job. Well done, I;d be surprised if this isn't up there.

I'm gonna circle back to the start - is this set in the past? doesn't seem like it so why is smoking allowed on the plane? - was it just to set up the fact she had smokes in her pocket? because you can still take them on the plane even though you can't use them - I'm waffling again

Good job