Out of the Mist by Jane Goodall - When a company jet crashes near the Congo River, the survivors find themselves in a fight for their lives. - Short, Horror

Jane Goodall.  
Well, the hand sanitizer takes a while to make an appearance, but it plays a pivotal role when it does show up.
Not bad, pretty well written.

Btw, I gravitated towards your title. Just sayin'.

Body parts in various stages of decapitation are thrown about
the field.


Unintentionally brilliant line.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Body parts in various stages of decapitation are thrown about the field. Unintentionally brilliant line.

How so? Decapitation only applies to the head. The sentence begins with 'body parts'.

Hence, unintentionally...

I was picturing numerous people in various stages of decapitation. Some a quarter decapitated, some a half, some with their heads right off. Other people with the top of their heads off, others with their heads in half. You can chop em vertically, horizontally, diagonally.. I had a lot of fun with it.

The writer meant decomposition, I expect.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Hence, unintentionally... I was picturing numerous people in various stages of decapitation. Some a quarter decapitated, some a half, some with their heads right off. Other people with the top of their heads off, others with their heads in half. You can chop em vertically, horizontally, diagonally.. I had a lot of fun with it. The writer meant decomposition, I expect.

Ah, gotcha. Thanks.

I think he means more like mutilated as the bodies are still fresh from the crash and wouldn’t have started decomposing yet...I think? Lol

Like the last one I read this seems to have a fair few spelling, grammar and odd word choice issues... nothing that can’t be fixed with a re-write.

There’s a little too much exposition around the reason there are mutant monkeys around imho... and it’s a bit of a coincidence that those on the plane caused the mutations (or their company did)

But the image conjured of the monkeys darting through the fog was nice, could picture that as a scary sequence.

Sanitiser, tick, and needed in the resolution.

Overall decent job.

Parameters met.

Good title. Nice tie back to it at the end, too.

Nice use of the concussion to provide cover for a bit of exposition.

Some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose, but overall not bad.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO

You might want to put that in a SUPER.

Really no need for the underlining.

Quoted Text Body parts in various stages of decapitation are thrown about the field.

Isn’t there only one stage of decapitation? I think its very meaning is - no more head.

The dialogue is a bit on the nose and unnatural.

Quoted Text DEZ (CONT’D) Goddamn mutant monkeys...

This gave me a bit of a chuckle.

The writing needs a good clean, missing words and punctuation in parts.

Quoted Text DEZ We need to find the alpha male of the group. We nail him and the rest will retreat... I hope.

The dialogue is definitely the weakest part of the script. It lacks urgency in parts it really needs it and it's so OTN.

This story suffers because of the lack of set up and the fact that you attempt to give us a fair bit of information through dialogue.

It didn’t quite work for me. I do feel that the criteria was met.

All the best.

This was a well written piece. Cinematic sequences which will be very scary onscreen. Perfect blend of horror, thrill and action. Loved it.

There's a lot going on.  It's pretty good.  I'd delete that last sentence.

I'd perhaps add a mini-slug for the tail section if that really is located elsewhere.  Just to help follow where the characters are.

Meets the criteria for me.

Hello Writer

Is that a strange slug? How does the viewer know this is in DR Congo? Maybe we have clues later.

I was going to suggest using DR Congo rather than the full name, but then you would probs get people asking "who the fuck is Doctor Congo?" lol

Quoted Text rolling plain surrounded by dense forest laps up against the Congo River.

This is oddly written - do forests lap against rivers? or is it the other way around?

Where did the mist come from? the crash...nope he just said the plane went through the fog. If the fog is there from the beginning, tell us... if the fog rolls in, tell us - the way it is written it seems like it went POP suddenly lots of fog - maybe that's how you meant it, I dunno

This dialogue is not good, very robotic and info dump-esque

Also a bit odd how all the bodies have been shredded but these 3 are fine.

Howler monkeys - Just one problem there. Howler monkeys live in the jungles of south and central America, not the plains of Africa.

The read was a bit laboured, the whole thing veered more to comedy - The hand gel molotov cocktail was strange - more comedy horror this, I don't know if that was intended or not.

You really need to work on that dialogue, and give the characters more of a sense of their situation - they seemed overly calm in their dialogue despite what they are going through.

Well done in a tough challenge though

Well written and plenty of good action, but where was the horror? I suppose being set upon by nasty monkeys is terrifying, but these guys deserved it. Still, I have to give you credit for creating monkeys with vampire fangs and making me root for them.

This meets the mark on criteria, so good there.

This isn't a bad effort.  Some good action sequences with the monkeys, and that's a pretty decent twist at the end.  They're about to be rescued, but then those damn monkeys...

The dialogue could use some work. Probably a little too expository.  In a case like this, with mutant monkeys crawling up your ass, they should be a bit more frenetic and either snapping at each other or speaking in clipped short sentences (or very hushed ones, where they're trying to avoid the monkeys).

This could maybe work in a longer form, where you have time to build the world and explain how the monkeys got that way.  Not bad for what you got in a short period of time.

Best of luck,
Gary

It's over-written, but the writing is good. It's more like a novel in places, very prose-heavy. The entire first half-page, for example, could easily have been just three lines. I do like your voice, it's just too wordy for a screenplay.

The exposition kills the tension. Things are explained before they even happen, robbing any sense of suspense. We know to expect mutants before we even see them, so there's no reveal other than that they're monkeys.

Monkeys are indeed a great choice. The closest to humans, scary strong, intelligent, pack hunters...and now mutated. Terrifying.

Again, the exposition gets in the way at the climax. Alicia tells us her plan even before the alpha makes an appearance. How did she know the alpha would even be there? Or would show up before that molotov cocktail of sanitizer (loved that, by the way) would burst all over her own hand? Suspiciously convenient timing.

There is very little character in Dez and poor Corby, who only seems to be there for an on-screen death. Alicia is better. The dialogue, exposition-heavy as it is, works pretty well too.

The story is solid, a nice tale of survival in a no-win scenario. Good job overall.

Title not courier 12! Haha... I really don't care but other do.

If DRC is important, it should be in SUPER. I know someone else probably said it but, hey, you never know. My turn, dammit.

"Body parts in various stages of decapitation" - I thought only a head could be decapitated and it was either severed or attached. No stages to it.

ahhh...mutants! Here we go! Monkeys with fangs? That's it? I'd prefer a little white bunny with big pointy teeth.

A valuable life lesson from the rehab center!

Criteria, check. Characters and dialog were okay. Story, well, I got to admit that I loved when Dez just unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up like the crash was no big deal.

Good work, writer.

Hi Writer,

Solid writing. I liked the atmosphere and the mystery you created before revealing the mutated howler monkeys - by the way they are a cool creature - so well done.

The dialogue is a little on-the-nose and there are some chunks of exposition dialogue that are not needed imo, for example, when Alicia explains that the hand sanitizer is very flammable. You can get rid of that without affecting the story.

The criteria was met, so kudos for that.

Overall, a very good effort.

David

Out of The Mist

Title not in courier 12
no need to underline, (Cont'd) does nothing other than distract

p2 dialogue doesn't work

p4 dialogue reads unnatural in such an extreme situation

p5 well, the dialogue is…
you rather should have written a script than using the dialogue to scream: I met the criteria because there's alcohol in sanitizers and everything is so plausible...

The mutant monkeys should have won. Period. Anyway, why all these happy endings?

Positive: Mutant monkeys!

See you.

- a lot of conversation while they are on the wreckage. They would be in an urgent rush to get out.

- just as bad the dialog as they are still in the wreckage feels like pure exposition being fed the reader

- practice, practice, practice