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That was pretty wild. Has the potential to be a trippy and intense story. But I had to really concentrate to follow along and I'm still a bit confused by the ending. We need some more information up front as to what the formula does. Maybe the person they kill could instead be the scientist who created it, he brags about what it's capable of.
I almost feel like it would work better if the formula is causing her to shift around in time. Based on how you wrote the flashback, that might be what you were trying for. So we have her running through the plane, experiencing these little time flashes that explain what happened... but the drug itself is causing her to flashback.
I'm not making any sense at all, am I?
Admirable effort give the time limit. You tried to do something different and I think it has potential.
AH! Reinhold Messner! Is there another climber in the SS tourney? This better live up to the great man's namesake!
Hmmm... he's got nothing to do with the story.
Meets the criteria without question. The characters and dialog were lacking and I was having to go back to re-read many sections. Still not sure if I completely understand it so prose is definitely lacking.
Good effort. With more time it may make a bit more sense.
The early dialogue was a bit cringe-worthy with its exposition, but the conversation at the end worked much better. Of course, it had a lot less information to send.
The shots of the mirror should be INSERTs, as if we were watching a security monitor or something. Not dinging for that because it was clear the way you wrote it.
Nice little twist at the end, though I'm not quite sure how they'd determine time of "death" since that's usually calculated from temperature (person stops generating body heat) and lividity (primarily from blood pooling), neither of which is likely to be reliable in this case. I know... horror and logic are like oil and water, just try to think of what realistic clue there might be for time of "death."
The ending is excellent for an entirely different story. For this one, it's neat but has nothing really to do with it. At least not that I could tell. Too bad, I was really intrigued by that ending.
It's convoluted, too complex for so few pages. The flashback worked for me to help explain things, and I like the callback to the blood, that she accidentally dosed herself from it. Nice touch.
The motives are unclear, why it matters that she's been a walking dead woman is unclear, why they killed Hilton is unclear. The dialogue confuses more than helps. And I don't get the horror elements, though they were pretty darn good.
There's a compelling story buried in there somewhere.
I like the ending. The one thing I question is the method of the death. If it was because of a poorly designed HS. Since Cockrell makes reference to it being a poor seller. If that's the case. Then it's not really horrific. The story feels more supernatural with an unexplained puzzling death.