Ghost Plane by Arthur Sleep - An alcoholic wakes up on his flight to find himself embroiled in a fight with evil 35,000 feet in the air. - Short, Horror

Pretty good writing here. Great pace and strong visuals. Some odd use of dashes in your action lines. Not saying they're wrong, just that I haven't seen them used that way before.

Story-wise, this is very similar to end of that God-awful movie "7500". I actually like your take on it better. It was very creepy and things escalated very rapidly.

Hand sanitizer is present and is utilized well enough.

Not bad at all.

Met the criteria. I think I would have liked to see the moment the evil came on board for myself, rather than have it happen when he was in the toilet. I also think the way you showed us the yellow eyes at the start in the windows spoilt what was to come. You basically showed us what would happen and made most of the story, till the very end, redundant.

Not bad, though.

This is OK as written... but on screen this will come across as comedy. Vomiting over zombies to kill them is hilarious. The story takes itself too seriously. Is horror comedy allowed this round?

The writing is good. I mean that in more than the standard polite brush-off way. But I' just wasn't feeling your overall script.-Andrea

Hmm, I can't really get with the scenario as played out here.
Decently written but I couldn't get serious about your chosen use for the sanitizer.

Very good creepy opening.

It meets the criteria so check marks there.

I guess my comments are directed towards the story itself, as the writing is fine.  I want to know WHY all these people are now zombies and how he didn’t become one himself. Was it because he was in the restroom when the mist came over the plane, or did he drink the hand sanitizer before the mist hit and now he’s immune from the disease or whatever it is?

Also, why do the zombies now all stay in their seats when they see him? Do they not know how to work seatbelts?  I think I would have preferred to see them all rising up from their seats and he has to battle his way to the cockpit, and once he made it there the zombies are about to break down the door.  That gives him only a little bit of time to make a decision.

But lacking that, why doesn’t he get on the radio and ask for help? It feels like after battling off the zombies, he’s just resigned to giving up. Or perhaps he knows the only way to stop them is to crash the plane. Except apparently that doesn’t stop them either.

So the story didn’t entirely resonate with me but still a decent effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Great opening. Good ending. Fell apart in between.
Vomiting on the infected? Lol. That was funny. I guess it wasn't supposed to be funny though.
Your writing style is good. But the overall story is lacking the thrill.

Parameters met.

Second script in a row where vomiting of hand sanitizer leads to a momentary "victory." I guess there's only so many ways you make hand sanitizer essential to a story.

The other writer had more of a comedic take on the vomit, which worked slightly better in terms of tone.

Still, this was a good story. At least, part of a story. I'll agree with a previous reviewer in that withholding the yellow eyes for later would have worked just a touch better. And, I'd like to see a more full story. But, then, you'd need more pages!

But, I liked your take on this portion of the story. The ending worked for me. (Though, maybe only one body should have been recovered?)

Decent writing. No hitches there at all. An easy read.

Another story that ended up being a little silly because of the hand sanitizer requirement. I know a drunk will drink mouthwash, but sanitizer? And then the puking defense, or accidental defense.

A good writer struggling with a tough parameter. Didn't quite work out this time. Maybe next round.

Good writing...I didn’t stop once.

The hand san mixed with puke was different.

I’d believe I’d try every last resource before I flew myself into a mountain lol.   I would use sign language or a make a sign for the fighter to drive a Hellfire thru the cockpit window if it was a lost cause.

Dialogue was good.

The ending left it open for the next  chapter . I liked that.

For what you had to work with, it was fine for me.  

All the best.

Interesting use of the hand sanitizer. I liked the character set up. I'd suggest taking this a lot further into comedy. You play it too serious for vomiting on zombies to start happening. Alcoholic stuck on a plane with zombies is a crazy idea (in a good way).

Lose the "This is the true story of..." start and put is in horror/comedy territory right from the get go. Maybe he's trying to fight through the zombies to get to the inflight beverage cart.

That's just my view, anyways. Solid work for so little time. One of the more unique sanitizer ideas.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text CONTROL (RADIO) (V.O.)

I think the (V.O.) would be enough.

The writing isn’t too bad.

But the story does absolutely nothing for me, stuff just happens and then it end. There is no reason for any of it, no explanation, no nothing.

The tone is also all over the place. From an almost comedic way to kill these things to the cringe worthy, super-serious dialogue at the end.

Also what was the purpose of the true story line at the beginning?

Sorry but I wasn’t a fan of that one.

All the best.

Ghost Plane

Not sure if you should call a fictive story a 'true' story…

in general
and also regarding the later plane crash theme. In reality bereaved people may despise how the context 'true' is used with fictive material,,, but that's just my personal opinion… I tell you. It was just a thing that stood out to me, not more.

What can I say… I liked to follow the story. The resistance factor of the sanitizer was interesting and the puke/violence core felt pretty well set in the ironic B slasher segment. Good. The zombie virus (where, why) was rather unclear but the script achieved me accepting this through a vivid storyline that kept moving. Good job. Best so far in my book.

I love the opening text, but how exactly did the “facts” about the doomed flight come out if everyone on board died? In the cabin, Jacob makes a pest of himself by slathering himself with bottles of sanitizer. Does the alcohol penetrate the skin and ease his withdrawal? Why didn’t he just chug it like he did in the toilet? The rise of the zombiesm while Jacob is passed out in the toilet skips over the best part of a zombie story: how did it all start? In the end, the only roll Jacob plays is heroically crashing the plane into a mountain before it can hit Moscow. In reality, I think the jet would’ve blown the plane out of the sky as soon as it stopped communicating.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Ghost Plane Not sure if you should call a fictive story a 'true' story….

I’ll just chime in and say it’s fine, it’s done all the time and means very little. In this case I found it sets up the story beautifully, it helped strike a great tone.

The writing is pretty good. The pace suffers a bit during the action, what should be a snappy read gets bogged down in laborious words and too many beats.

What bugs me about this is the hand sanitizer and the “ghosts” which are really just zombies. The logline says he’s an alcoholic, so he really was just jonesing for a fix, but the hand sanitizer wouldn’t act that quickly. That logic aside, his frantic insistence after that opening suggests there is something supernatural at stake but it turns out to just be alcoholism.

The ghosts really should have been ghosts. The title, the setup, it would have been better if they were more aware, or more sinister, or more capable than just mindless corpses. One creepy ghost would trump a plane full of these zombies.

Vomiting over the zombies was a stretch too, but hey, it was another use of hand sanitizer. I’ll chalk that up to the challenge parameters.

Quoted from ReneC I’ll just chime in and say it’s fine, it’s done all the time and means very little. In this case I found it sets up the story beautifully, it helped strike a great tone. .

Famously the Cohen brothers did the "True Story" for Fargo which prompted people to try and find the treasure... that then led to the urban legend of the Japanese women Kumiko who died trying to find it... which in turn led to another movie about her.

Hello writer

I've read it through without taking notes, so that's a good thing - Although I did get a tad bored if I am honest.

Drinking sanitiser for his fix, it's gross - but, having know a few alcoholics in my time and the desperate lengths they go to to feed their addiction - I can buy into it.

It's alright, not really memorable or different - I like the images at the beginning of the fighters looking into the plane and seeing no pilot, sets up a bit of mystery - doesn't really do it for me after that though.

Some things I wanted expanded but obviously the page limit hindered you - like, why was this alcoholic westerner in Saudi Arabia to begin with? not the best of places for an alcoholic to be lol
I guess it was a decision of convenience - how could you set up a scenario where a plane wouldn't have alcohol.
Feels like you tried to mould the story around the parameters which resulted in a bumpy story.

He saves lives at the end, good for him - he very quickly jumped to that conclusion though - immediately selfless, very quick character turnaround - again, page limit restrictions.

Well done on a tough challenge

This was well written, and was set up well up until the snarly people appeared.

I don't know if it was because we don't see them actually arrive/infect/posses but I struggled to get behind this bit of the script... and them the vomitting hand gel, this could look off when filmed.

Ending sort of recovered itself somewhat and whilst the quote he recites is well know, I thought it was inserted well.

So, good writing just didn't quite buy it.

I liked your set-up and the 'based on a real event' structure. I wish I cared a little more for Jacob. It's difficult to like someone that's a rude alcoholic that wants a drink on a flight from Saudi. He should've planned ahead like the rest of us professional drinkers.

Good story, met the challenge. Another story of someone vomiting HS on the antagonist.

It's tough to write good dialog when there's only one character. You feel obligated to write dialog when it's not needed.

Good work, writer.

This brings back memories of being in Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War. I don't really drink, but a lot of the other soldiers did. At one point I saw a crap-ton of non-Saudi military folks in a line around the block to get into an ice cream shop in Riyadh. Turned out Baskin-Robbins had managed to sneak in some rum-flavored ice cream.

The initial over-black intro is not formatted properly. Is this a narrator speaking, or a Star Wars text crawl?

The jetliner pilot's dialogue should be (V.O.), probably with (over P.A.) as a wrylie.

For the fighter pilot, it's V.O. if we're outside his cockpit, otherwise it's normal dialogue.

I've never been tempted to guzzle hand sanitizer, but alcoholics have been known to drink all kinds of toxic things that contain alcohol. If he has a belly full of the stuff, would it really be "dry heaves"? Gagging or coughing or something, but dry heaves doesn't seem quite right. Again, not my area of expertise.

My God, is there anything that hand sanitizer can't do?

Long action sequences were broken up nicely to make it read faster.

Nice ending, but a script should end with FADE OUT even if the final image doesn't literally fade. Here I imagine it would scroll up as the closing credits begin.

When I read puke sizzled the monsters I thought this will look funny on screen.  I’m sure you saw this coming.  This met the criteria to me.  And the story was not bad too.

Seems I posted this too early before, attempt number 2.

I didn't enjoy writing this at all (which I think comes across in the script). It's not a short I'm going to revisit so I won't go on too much.

Quoted Text I love the opening text, but how exactly did the �facts� about the doomed flight come out if everyone on board died?...

Good point... I have no idea lol

Quoted Text The ghosts really should have been ghosts.

Yeah - it wasn't until after I submitted that I realised that was a misleading title. Ghost plane is an aviation term for a plane that continues to fly on auto-pilot but the actual pilot has been incapacitated... the fighter pilot mentions it at the beginning - but yea, agree i should have linked it into the story and had ghosts as the antags.

Quoted Text The ending worked for me. (Though, maybe only one body should have been recovered?

Yes! Jacob's body... why didn't I think of that? lol

It honestly didn't cross my mind that vomiting on zombies would be funny - I was hoping for more of a disgusting feel lol we live and learn

Thanks all for the comments  

P.S Alex - I saw your comment before it was deleted (my bad for revealing myself too early) - anyway, thank you for the kind words - Looking back at the comments, the worst comment I received was from myself lol