Reaper's Disease by D.H. Happins - A passenger of a flight wants to cleanse his body, and the bodies of all those around him. - Short, Horror

Hmm was this submitted right at the end unfinished? A page and a half?

The premise is good, the use of the eye and the HS ( I had no idea at all it was flammable)   But it ended abruptly and the last line of dialogue doesn’t even make sense. Baffling

Only two pages? I think there may have been more story that didn't quite make it to the page.

Is this a martyr of a different kind intent on a slow death? I know sanitiser is flammable but I think not to that extent and that it would be pretty easy to snuff out.

Watch out for past tense writing:
Those who were quick to act manage to extinguish the fire in
less than ten seconds.

Quite an entertaining, mildly humorous opening.
Met the criteria.

Haha. Nice survival attempt.

Well, that was short, but short is allowed.

Interesting use of the hand sanitizer. I'm a bit confused, though. The fire was extinguished in less than ten seconds. Why is Davis dead? Or did he not have a pulse to begin with? He seems rather robotic or something, and the fake eye lends to that. And if he is's dead, why does Carl say they're all going to die? The fire's out, Davis is dead...where's the danger?

And what does any of this have to do with Reaper's Disease?

There's a plane and there's sanitizer, and they're both relevant. I suppose it's horrific enough. Criteria met. Maybe not believable, but I don't get the story so maybe it is and it's just me.

REAPER'S DISEASE

Davis acts without any motive. I also don't understand the firefighter's ironic comment. If the fire spreads from Davis' body, it just wasn't properly described for me. Not truly bad but there's only few substance.

Huh. Well, the very ending kind of sucks.

This was written so well, the read breezed by. Helps that it was super short, too. Great descriptions and some solid dialog.

At first I though he was just a crazy guy who wanted to take down the plane with his suicide. I actually think that would be better.

That final line of dialog... What the fuck? It makes no sense. Ruins this for me.

Great work until the end.

Not sure how the logline connects to the script.

I feel kind of sad, because the fake eye was a good bit. Not sure you need it to sneak a match onto a plane... but, I could be wrong. And, everything was going along just fine... nice surprise when he lights himself on fire... but...

You just let all the tension out of the moment. Fire's out quick. Guy's dead. (I guess.) Poof. No consequences for anybody but the lead.

And the last line... truly out of nowhere. If there's an imminent threat, you have more pages to show us what it is. As it sits... there's none.

I was loving it and than ending happened. Lol. That was abrupt, make no sense at all. The script was super interesting when he burned himself. Very unexpected event. But then.... pure disappointment.

Being just two pages this caught my eye so I decided to read.  First off, there is obvious talent and craft in this piece.  Your action is tight, assured and evocative.

This didn't work for me.  It just left me feeling pretty meh.

It's a classic case of me not knowing enough information.

Another one... using hand sanitizer as a flammable is becoming cliched pretty quick.

I think most of my colleagues have made some good observations.

Those are my scattered thoughts.

Ghostie

It was interesting for a couple pages then it ended left me scratching my head.

I don’t think putting copious amounts is going to make it anymore flammable. Alcohol evaporates rather quickly . I’m assuming his body was suppose to soak it up like some kind of wick?

You write well...

Kind of fell short on the payoff scale.  

For what it is . I liked it .

Hi writer,

One and a half pages, I like this already

Quoted Text The aircraft is full of passengers

I think you should capitalise PASSENGERS.

Quoted Text A man named DAVIS seated at the middle

No need to say "A man named", just DAVIS, seated at... and maybe give him an age for context.

The dialogue is quite robotic and the writing reads like a bit of a shopping list. Needs a bit of work to give it some life.

That ending was pretty random. If the fire is out, why are they all going to die? I really have no idea what was going on.

I guess this meets the criteria, kind of.

All the best.

This was short, was on a pland and there was hand sanitiser... unfortunately beyond that it kinda lost me.

Where did the bottles of hand sanitiser go? Did he absorb it?

The bit with the eye, inventive, but really?

And most importantly... why?

Usually I don't make notes like this as I go, but:

Quoted Text A man named DAVIS seated at the middle section of the plane next to the aisle, reaches into his shirt pocket and retrieves a small bottle of hand sanitizer.

This is far too wordy and takes me out of the read right off. Maybe:


DAVIS, 35, in an aisle seat in the middle section, pulls a small bottle of hand sanitizer from his shirt pocket.

This is more compact and tells us the same information.

Quoted Text He ignites the match in his one hand, and fire engulfs him.

The problem here is that he wouldn't instantly combust into a ball of flames.  It would be a slow steady burn which can easily be put out with a fire extinguisher.

Quoted Text Those who were quick to act manage to extinguish the fire in less than ten seconds. One of the volunteer firefighters, a man named CARL, reaches his hand for the burn victim's wrist. He cannot feel a pulse. CARL We're all going to die. A loud alarm goes off inside the plane every two seconds, and bright white lights flash from the roof.

Okay, they put him out, so why are they going to die, then? Hasn't the problem been eliminated?  Unless Carl felt his pulse and instead discovered he was a ticking time bomb. That can be the only explanation.

So a couple of things.  This is too short.  You've left out a ton of information, like who is Davis, and why does he want to blow up the plane?  And then you don't explain why they're going to die anyway when they foiled the plot.  You need to give us a little more meat on the bone.

Second, in my mind, this isn't a horror script.  I get the eye thing, but it's not really horrific.  There's not even any blood.  And when he sets himself on fire, they put it out quickly.  We need more intensity in the horror, in my opinion.

The writing is a little passive and too wordy.  Need to trim it down and be less "here's what's happening step by step."  

Best of luck,
Gary

Excellent. Best page-and-a-halfer I’ve ever read.