This was well written and built the world well.

Felt a little like the the group in Predator as they went through the jungle, especially with some of the wise cracks - nod bad thing.

But I think the ending with the Dr and all his exposition really killed the ending... probably just too much to try and explain in 5 pages.

Good effort.

This fine story screeches to a complete halt when Doctor Radcliffe begins his long-winded rant. This speech lays out the justification for his genocidal plot very well, but do we really need to know everything he tells us? Up until then, I was enjoying the story, and looking forward to a climactic battle with the fungus people, but instead it ends with the abject surrender of the soldiers.

Last one! Let's see what we got...

Okay, criteria met, I think.

Very descriptive, if not overly expository on the dialogue from Doctor Radcliffe.  At least he explained what was going on -- in most of the scripts in this challenge, I've had to guess motives and what the evil thing was and why it was there.  But you laid it all out.

A good setting for this, the Amazon and all, but here's the big logic leap I'm having to make. Why does Dr. Radcliffe risk going into one of the most dangerous places on earth (where he could easily be killed himself) to infect a few soldiers.  IF, as he claims, he has the ability to put this hand sanitizer in planes all over the world, why doesn't he just do it and then put his plan into action?  I know, you had to meet the challenge criteria, but still....

In any event, it's well-written and could do very well, I would think, in a longer form where you can build the world even more.

Best of luck,
Gary

Ola escritor

Why did you use Portuguese for all of the ranks apart from Colonel? should have used Coronel, it's only one letter different lol it obviously does not matter, I just like consistency

First question, why does the non-Brazilian doctor feel the need to tell the Brazilian officers about the dangers that lurk in the rain-forest... I'm sure they already know. But maybe his character is just a know-it-all arsehole... we shall see.

I was enjoying it until I had to sit through the lecture that was pages 4 and 5.

pages 1-3 very good - fell apart after that, did you run out of time or something? I dunno, writing is great though - I got a real feel for the Jungle, so top notch world building.

I get his motivations, all good - a bit of a stupid sentimental reason for him to be going into the jungle like this, risking his life, that is a bit of a stretch to be honest.

Overall a decent effort - good job writer

Quite the logline; do I need to read this? Last one, here we go!

Wow, a lot of detail in the action that won't be revealed in the filming. You tell us what E.A.S. stands for but a viewer wouldn't know. Who's F.A.B.? I.A.T.A.? Too many initials!

Dialog is way overwritten and expositional (if that's a word).

BARBASO: "It's a fuck-hole." Best line.

hmmm...both metric and imperial measurement used on the same page.

Dang, sorry, the dialog was just too over the top to finish.

Copyright notice in the wrong place, and FADE IN doesn't have a colon. Many points off! Just kidding.

The initial description of the jungle as silent doesn't jive with the cacophony later on.

Thermal Infrared is redundant, but also par for the course in explaining things to the audience. There do exist infrared imagers that aren't thermal scanners... those security cameras and baby monitors that show a black-and-white image when the area is dark. On a helicopter they'd be called FLIR (forward-looking infra-red). Anyway, moving on.

No need to cap a new character when mentioned in dialogue. They get capped the first time they appear in action (which should be near a description). So it'd be "She indicates a white man with piercing, intelligent eyes, DOCTOR RADCLIFFE (65)."

Why is Dr. Radcliffe telling the natives how dangerous their own jungle is? It'd work better if he simply explains things he actually sees/hears, or mutters to himself about the dangers, or anything else. A good example is how he drones on about the snake.

Minor point, but they'd probably say it was 1500 meters since they're not metric-allergic Americans.

"Fifty yards on, there are FIVE SURVIVORS, their faces and bodies similarly covered in fungus, writhing on the floor." And this, boys and girls, is when they put on their gas masks.

Fine, so Dr. Radcliffe is a monologuing mad scientist. They do love to hear themselves talk.

I doubt that Dr. Radcliffe could engineer all the hand sanitizers being replaced at roughly the same time, but maybe he just needs to seed his army.

Overall, I like the idea, though the dialogue really took me out of the story.

Not bad.  At it's core, the delivery, is very similar to my idea.  This one meets the criteria.  Nice setting.  The one character I didn't like was the doctor.  Not because of the story.  Is that she's a character you see from time to time in films and I've never really liked those crazy characters.  I like the title btw.

Excellent first three pages. I love the Brazilian angle, it adds a lot to this story. Great visuals, the dialogue works for me, the writing is strong despite its flaws (way to many capitals, for one). And the hand sanitizer is a delivery system, well done.

The super-exposition at the end is a let down after that great setup. Dude just won't shut up about his master plan. He's a bad cartoon villain. You couldn't show all that in so few pages because it's too big, but you didn't really need to explain it all. He's behind it, okay. It's mind control, okay. He somehow perpetrated this around the world, okay. Do we need to know why? I don't think so.

What confounds me is the spores incapacitate people. The first group is writhing around helplessly. The people in the plane have become spore-releasers. The soldiers are targeted for mind control. In all that explaining, I don't understand how the spores actually work.

Really good effort, a really strong start, but it fell apart at the end.

Hand sanitizer did not kill spores in my Spores either. It just repelled the orbs/spores. Heck, even cheap deoderent might manage to do that! lol