Ungodliness by Mr. Clean - If cleanliness is next to Godliness, what evil lurks in filth? - Short, Horror

This part:


His eyes, ears, nose, genitals and anus flow freely.

Was the high point for me.

This was pretty scary and reminiscent of ‘The Thing’. The monsters are very cool and unique. One thing I would change is the two doctors entering the tent without protective gear.

Pretty good job of describing the manner in which the victims deteriorates due to the disease, and also a clever way of getting Jimmy torched.  Some of the writing was a bit over the top and the dialogue was a bit sparse and clunky, but overall I think you did a fairly good job here of meeting the challenge.

The setup felt a little familiar, Contagion/World War Z type vibe but you did a good job with it.

Flows well and rhe action and horror escalate nicely... not sure about the humorous ending but will let it off as I liked the rest so much.

Well someone has a vivid imagination lol.

In the first scene when you say the twin jets warming up . I had to go back and make sure two jets wasn’t on the runway.  Common knowledge jets have 2 engines except for a very few.  It might work better saying the engines spool up or twin turbines begin to start . It may be how you refer to engines and I’m over complicating lol.

The EXT. PRIMITIVE RUNWAY - CONTINUOUS .... why did you chose continuous ? Since it’s a single event of the jet taking off wouldn’t  it just be later or moments later?  You may be right I just  wanna know for my information .  When I think of continuous, I think of INT.HOUSE-CONTINOUS  
IN THE KITCHEN
Yada yada yada
LIVING ROOM
Yada yada yada
In other words we follow something doing multiple things .  Better yet a car chase scene.

A few bits of the dialogue didn't feel authentic or maybe it was overreaching per say. Specifically the Captain saying Roger Dodger . Other than that it was fine. I liked how you used a fancy medical term and then the other character used civilian terminology. It was a good way to educate me while moving the story forward .

You did good turning Jimmy into a cellular mutant.  Descriptions were on point.

The best part is when you turned the tent into a huge vacuum seal bag to trap Jimmy.  How’s Jimmy doing btw? Hope he has no hard feelings for melting plastic to his flesh lol. If you asked me 100 times how we gonna trap Jimmy.  I’d never thought of that lol.

You are a good story teller.  I couldn’t relate your logline with the story.

Regards .

Ungodliness

title not in courier 12
cap your characters, even the extras

the set-up was a little long for my taste

The action lacked precision for me. Imo, you could have taken some more time for the later imagery and possibly choose much less of that whole morphing body parts images while describing each action you choose 100% precise and clear. Take your time there.

Nonetheless it was a decent script.

Well, it looks like you did some research. The trick is in not making it look like a medical fact-sheet cause what we end up reading is quite a bit of exposition.

The pilot is a little goofy but I expect you were going for some characterisation there to differentiate from the white-coats.

Some lines verging on comical and I'm not sure that was your intention.

This line:

HELEN
Come and get me, fucker!

Seemed very unprofessional/jarring of Helen, and out of kilter.

I bet they wish they'd sedated Jimmy before they all got on that plane.

Once again the scenario of Sanitizer thrown on someone's body, it inevitably stings, coupled with a flammable object (a Zippo lighter in this case) to ignite and then the victim burned alive is a route a lot of writers went with this challenge, and yes, it does seem the obvious route to go with horror.  I just think, whether it's feasible or not, on screen it could look a little daft and definitely B-grade.

Some good atmosphere injected and some nice humorous touches between Helen and Richard.

P.S. Reading other's comments Kevin S is correct re your logline. It doesn't really tally with the story told.
Should be something like: Members of an air-medical transportation unit fight for their lives when all hell breaks loose mid-flight. Something like that...

Have to say... when she goes to light him up, I was thinking: oxygen rich environment... if there's not a large explosion, I ain't buying it. And, you tried to explain it away. I'll give you that. But, still... no sale for me.

But, you know what? That's fine. This read as a bit of a horror comedy, so I'll give you some leeway. Some.

I agree that the logline doesn't quite fit, and with LC's contention that Helen's line of dialogue didn't match the rest of her actions.

In the end, this was a little over the top for me in several areas. The action (club hands) and the pilot. It's a script caught somewhat in the middle. More horror or more comedy, either way, and I think it'd work better.

This was decent. Monsters were imaginative and so the process of turning into monster. Tone and treatment wise it felt like Sam Raimi's Ash vs Evil Dead.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text NIGERIAN JUNGLE

If this particular information is important to the story I'd put it in a SUPER. EDIT: My bad, it is a super. It reads like a slug.

Quoted Text A gurney, laden with patient, is rushed to an open cabin door by two people in full protective clothing.

I don’t think laden is the best word here. How big is this patient? I also feel you should be capping intros.

Quoted Text The team leader is RICHARD (50), a CDC doctor. The others are: HELEN (40), a physicians assistant; and RUMUN (30), a Nigerian aide.

So we obviously wouldn’t know any of these character's jobs/titles unless it come through in action or dialogue. Let’s see...

Not sure why you didn’t just intro Jimmy when we first saw him.

Quoted Text a CDC medical school intern.

Also impossible to know unless you make this clear in another way.

Quoted Text RICHARD You don't have to tell me twice.

A bit of a cheesy and over-used line.

Quoted Text RUMUN --and, pardon my English, with unbridled strength and fury.

If there is something wrong with his English, I would make that clear with a wrylie, maybe (heavily accented), (in broken English), or (with a Nigerian accent).

Quoted Text UMUN It was unlike anything I'd seen before. They'd grit so hard their teeth would shatter. Then they would arch and contort their bodies into something unrecognizable. Their hands would clench so severe that the fingers would break and turned into...well, meat-mallets!

Hopefully we get to see some of this later and it’s not just delivered to us through dialogue.

Page 3 is laden with exposition through dialogue.

Quoted Text They're cocked and ready to fire.

I'm not sure what I'm meant to be seeing here.

Quoted Text Jimmy fires another round and hits Helen in the chest,

Fires another round of what? Punches? This could definitely be written better.

Quoted Text Jimmy tries to stand but his legs cannot support weight. His legs, now free of normal joint motion, extend behind him like a bullfrog.

Some of your action writing isn’t clear to me.

Quoted Text genitals and anus flow freely.

Damn.

Quoted Text HELEN Come and get me, fucker!

The last few lines are messing with the tone.

Is this meant to be a horror/comedy? Not a problem if it is, I think it's a bit of a problem that I can't actually tell.

The writing could be more visual and clear. Lots of OTN dialogue. The criteria was met but I don’t think the story quite got there for me.

All the best.

Quoted from Warren If this particular information is important to the story I'd put it in a SUPER.

It is in a SUPER

Hello writer

Quoted Text The plane is fitted with an Aeromedical Biological Containment System: A negative pressure, oxygenated, isolation tent designed for highly contagious patients.

How am I suppose to know all this if I am watching it? warning signs up maybe?

Quoted Text Two loud POPS mute Helen's comment. Jimmy's wrists, arms and shoulders contort. They're cocked and ready to fire. As Richard and Rumun go to restrain Jimmy's arms, his club-like fists fire like two pistons into their jaws and they drop to their knees.

Hold the phone - did he just fire his fists from his body like a Nerf gun? that's weird lol

Quoted Text Jimmy fires another round and hits Helen in the chest, knocking her out of the tent.

What is he firing now? he has already fired both his hands off - I'm so confused... EDIT: is he firing them, and they are returning back to him, a bit like Dhalsim from Street Fighter?

Are cracking ribs that loud that they fill the plane? I dunno, never cracked a rib but it does seem odd to me.

Legs like a frog is a good image - and a creepy one.

"genitals and anus flow freely" - that's so gross lol

going for the flammable again, but this had the added plastic tent shrinking on him - that was a nice touch.

This had a strange back an forth between gore and comedy - it was a little jarring - the comedy end line from the captain - although funny - felt like too much of a shift from what had just happened.

Overall, not too shabby - You got some story telling and writing skills.
I got a little confused about what Helen was doing/where she was after she pulled Rumun away.

But yea, creepy story - I enjoyed it.

This didn't do it for me, but it could work better after cleaning things up. It takes practice to be able to do that in a few days. I suspect the writer has not had as much experience as some others here.

The burning sanitizer/melting tent did not seem likely to neutralize a monster to me...and jimmy had become a monster. I think in the limited space the writer was desperate to find a way to, well, wrap things up.

I liked the ending with the pilot. That was my favorite part.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor It is in a SUPER

Noted, doesn’t affect my scoring on the script.

Quoted from Warren Noted, doesn’t affect my scoring on the script.

No I wouldn't have thought so - my correction was more for the writer who was probably eager to comment "but it is in a super!" - I was just being his/her voice lol

Plenty of tension in this well written story. The action in the plane was very good. And the technical jargon was convincing. The fear level would’ve been ratcheted up had the fire not burned itself out so fast. After all, what could be more horrifying than a burning plane carrying a zombie?

Could be better.  It's a nice idea to create a monster out of Jimmy using an Ebola inspired virus.  That said, it wasn't a smooth read for me.  The ending was odd too for me.  Is this tent inside the plane?  I imagined the Jet was parked and the tent was nearby.

I would imagine a CDC plane wouldn't use such flimsy things as a tent to segregate etc...   But rather purpose built rooms on the plane.

I think you should name the Nigerian jungle as oppose to this generic wording.

Top of page two we're inside the Jet.  Bottom of page three, Richard and Rumun dart into a tent.  Top of page four, we're in the tent?  As Richard and Rumun now have to restrain Jimmy.  If characters leave and comeback to the Jet.  Let us know.  If we're in a tent.  Would be good to know.

Interesting this round is repeating igniting HS to kill off the foe.

Meat mallets. Love it!

Nice touch with the teeth clatter on the floor and the toothless grin. Great visual.

Cocked and ready to fire? I'm pretty sure I know what you mean, but written poorly. You just made up for that with the bullfrog legs - nice.

Oh, writer... if you hadn't included those two lines from Helen (you know which two), it would have been a great read. I found them to derail what should've been good reading.

Nice touch too with the oxygen-enriched tent. That makes most items dangerously flammable and combustible. I'll take the Jimmy burrito to-go!

Good work!

Quoted from jayrex Is this tent inside the plane?  I imagined the Jet was parked and the tent was nearby. I would imagine a CDC plane wouldn't use such flimsy things as a tent to segregate etc...   But rather purpose built rooms on the plane. Top of page two we're inside the Jet.  Bottom of page three, Richard and Rumun dart into a tent.  Top of page four, we're in the tent?  As Richard and Rumun now have to restrain Jimmy.  If characters leave and comeback to the Jet.  Let us know.  If we're in a tent.  Would be good to know.

I had to confirm and googled the aeromedical biological containment thingy and it checks out. Makes total sense to see the picture of it. Thought it was fairly clear that it was in the plane, too.

Unusual formatting for title page. I'm starting to think it's contagious.

There are a lot of passive voice sentences in the action lines. Active voice is easier to read, often takes less space, and makes things seem faster. Active: "Alice calls Bob", Passive: "Bob is called by Alice".

The characters have only their jobs and ages for description.

I was surprised to find out that there are in fact twin-engine jets that could fly nonstop from Nigeria to Atlanta. Not sure the CDC has any, but it could happen.

The Captain's dialogue is (V.O.) not (INTERCOM), though you could add (over intercom) as a wrylie.
Rumun seems to speak English just fine, no need to have him "pardon my English", especially followed by uncommon words used properly.

Very visual with the changes to Jimmy, though hands that are "ready to fire" or look like carnival mallets seems... far-fetched.
Inventive use for the hand sanitizer.

The captain's line at the end didn't quite work for me. Good idea to end with him, just try a couple more ideas for ironic things he might say here.

Having finished, the title doesn't match the story. Yes, Jimmy died basically because he messed up his cleanliness routine, but no one here is "filthy."

The horror and action are quite good here. I thought the hand sanitizer was going to barely feature but you brought it back in a big, bad way. Well done.

I found the dialogue started much stronger than it ended. It resorted to cliché action lines. So did some of the descriptions. I still enjoyed it, but there's a noticeable difference. They all keep using each others names, try to cut down on that. It's too much.

I also would have liked an explosion rather than a flame-out. Nice visual with the containment flaps cocooning Jimmy though.

I have no idea what the title or logline have to do with this, but I really liked the actual content. Well done.