Quoted from DustinBowcot Code In the cockpit JOHN AVERY, 55, gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body. This sentence does not finish. There should be a comma after 'body' and then more info to show what he's doing.

What causes the problem is he's been told to avoid "is". Which IS good GENERAL advice. But sometimes there IS simply no avoiding the word, at least not awkwardly. He could attempt what Dustin suggests here by tacking on a primary action. "Gripped by convulsive coughs that wrack his entire body, Avery chugs from a flask."

Let me see if I understoood...Avery imagined the baby coughing on him, so he put it back? I guess that's a tricky thing to formulate in screenwriting. I'm still not sure if that's what happened. Or maybe the baby really did cough on him and his glasses shielded him? But how strange to take a baby all the way back to a crashed plane and put it inside a capsule, where it will die a suffering death. I'm assuming there are not enough people left in the world to come for the baby, otherwise why would he be sitting with him on the porch?

I didn't understand the opening perhaps. He heard the report, then saw the plane about to crash, but somehow had time to clean off and enter a hazmat suit in time to watch the plane crash? There is another way of looking at it because of the VO. It's possible the writer is not presenting this to us in live, chronilogical/realtime order. It's kind of meant to feel all jumbled, like a dream or flash.

I think is another example of a very good writer not quite pulling a story off here under the limitations. It's also HIGHLY possible my head is hurting and I am missing things. I will wait to score, come back later. Hopefully my reading comprehension will magically improve by then.

I’m afraid a lot of people are going to ding you on the horror aspect and that very little of the script spent time in a plane. I have to give it consideration.  There needed to me more of a horror element involved, I think, rather than just the blood coming from the nose kind of thing. A plane crash also isn’t horror, it’s just tragic.

I like the setup although the timing seems to be a little off here between the news report and the plane sighting. Maybe you could have him needing to go outside for something, so he washes up, uses the sanitizer, gets in The hazmat suit, and then hears the report on his way out — then he hears the plane and now the timing is in good shape.

From that point the writing is pretty much spot on and hits a lot of solid notes, and the ending is just sad, but a great twist. You can’t save someone who’s going to die anyway so why risk it. BUT, do we know the baby has the virus, or is just doing normal baby phlegm stuff?  oooh.

Well done on the writing. Just needed a little more on the horror side to make it perfect.

Best of luck,
Gary

I thought this was well written, good tone though a little prosey (is that a word).

Sanitiser used effectively, horror ??? well it ends on an horrific note so I'll say yes.

I liked it,

I would probably hunker down in a bunker. At least Maynard did the right thing. Then did the wrong thing. He is one conflicted character. Good job!

That was different. An interesting and daring piece of prose, writer. I think with some work, this could be a pretty decent story. Good job.

A couple things derailed this while reading: Not sure it was necessary to have the news topic about the missing plane as I think it would work better without it; and the baby in a capsule. All I could think was Kelel, you know, baby Superman? Anyway, I think you have a little project here to work on.

Good job, writer.

I hadn't scored this first time, forcing myself to come back. Reading through comments hoping it might clarify things a bit.
Hopefully the writer chimes in after the voting.

Unfortunately my estimation has not improved. It doesn't really make sense. You hear a report about a plane in trouble and the passengers have the flu. Is that likely to make the news? That's contrived. Then he hears a plane with the engine whining and somehow has time to scrub and get into a hazmat suit...and get outside in time to watch it crash. Come on, writer.

When I first read this I had no idea what the dialog from the brother about drugging him and dragging him out into the field meant. But now I think I understand that he suffers from both germophobia and agrophobia(fear of leaving home, if I got the word right). But this dialog by the brother doesn't sound natural. Drugging him and leaving him in a field?

Sorry. I tried. Not working for me. Gave it a full second read too. Good effort.

Title should have a question mark at the end of the ellipsis. (And now I have the Klondike Bar jingle stuck in my head.)

The news reporter should probably be a PRE-LAP rather than a V.O. Pre-lap is when you hear someone before the scene changes.

Viewers can't really see "blood pooling in his eyes," but they could be described as blood-shot or bleeding from the eyes.

The baby is referred to as a toddler once. At first I thought there was a jump forward in time.

A FADE OUT mid-script is usually a FADE TO BLACK... or FADE THROUGH BLACK if nothing at all happens while the screen is black.

I'm not sure this one quite falls under horror. Maynard is definitely horrified, but this is more of a drama about him overcoming his fears then backsliding. It's got a terrifying pathogen in it, so I'll count this one. With that generous judgment in the script's favor, it scores very well from me.

It does read more as a drama.  Although the thought of a virus killing people can be horrific.  Not here for me.

The ending is quite thought provoking.  The title is quite apt.