Street Cinema by Anonymous44 - In a world obsessed with Social Media, a young man is willing to risk everything to be noticed. - Short, Action, Social Realism

A lot of posturing (which I'm sure is very realistic) and a lot of setup before Action is actually called on page 4.

First thing is heart. I need to care. I need someone to really root for,. It's all a bit emotionally distant. I wanted to sense the real danger ahead too. All the verbal bravado - no-one really nervous or in fear of their life made me question if it was just a game. At one point I wondered if they were going to fight with real ammo.

NEDIM
I'm hit. Aagh, fuck, I'm hit.

He seems surprised.

I might have been able to get behind this more if the Social Media commentary was a bigger part of the story in terms of satire, or if motivation for the duel was in some way heart rending.

As is I wasn't sure what angle of the story you were really going for... Too many characters being intro'd up front, muddied the two main duelling characters. The rest should just be background.

The Trading Card felt tacked on.
The Church - was it abandoned?

When you got to it I think you handled writing the action pretty well.
I applaud the effort but it's missing emotive elements for me. I didn't really get (as per the logline) the predominant feeling with the character's obsession to be noticed, bar that final line referencing it.

Interesting takeaway: Action for action's sake is not going to thrill me if I'm not emotionally invested in the characters.

I was going to say that Libby was wrong... that you don't need anybody to root for, but perhaps there is something in it as I couldn't care less what happens in this story by page 2.

As somebody that grew up around this type of stuff, I also struggle really hard to believe this. For me, the dialogue is off and so is the whole champions duelling stuff. It's just bullshit. People shoot each other in the back, or when the other guy is unarmed. They get them when they're not looking.

Nobody is really going to take a chance with their lives like that. It kinda makes a mockery of what is a very real social problem... and not in a good way.

I kept expecting a twist of some sort. All the posturing, the fact that they were just treating it like a game and a social media event made it all very unrealistic. For the deadliness of the action, there should have been a real war vibe, but instead it's like both gangs were willing participants in a game show with high stakes and low prizes. It's so unbelievable it becomes a farce. It could have been a commentary on street violence, but it plays it so straight we're meant to take it seriously, and I just can't.

The attempt at the thug life was haphazard at best. The dialogue is not realistic at all. I suppose we're meant to root for little Nedim but it's hard to care about street cred. The action itself isn't bad, and I like the filming aspect of it (again, totally unbelievable to livestream it regularly). I really appreciated that Nedim loses, that at least surprised me since it goes contrary to how you set it up. I really didn't care for the rest.

Street Cinema

I like the title.

17 and 14 is quite a difference in the teenage years…

Okaaay…

I can't say it didn't move me to see how those young peeps seem to put their life at the stake to only gain some attention.

I didn't like the role of the girls. Quite often I see such social-issue-scripts/movies where the girls suddenly come in and play a kind of hateful side-role that establishes the original and final commentary of the whole movie, if you know what I mean… I'd think about that.

You've chosen a hard topic. That's for sure. Keep it going. Scripts that search for some meaning are always welcome here.

Hello writer

Quoted Text He's wearing a black baseball-cap with the phrase I Have Issues

Text needs to be distinguished - He's wearing a black baseball-cap with the phrase "I Have Issues" - or something, just to make the sentence less confusing.

Quoted Text Fourteen-year-old NEDIM, nine stone wet through, steps forward from the Red Team. An older boy of Seventeen, WILIFRED stops him.

This is awkwardly written, but you could change it so easily to make it a shorter sharper read. Fourteen-year-old - could just be (14)
nine stone wet through - Keep it visual, you might have some talent in which you can tell the weight of people by looking at them, the rest of us don't.

Quoted Text REECE (17) a tall, muscular teenager steps forwards.

but then the above is in the next paragraph, so you can do it... why such a change in writing style? jarring, I really like consistency lol - I'll chalk it up to being rushed and stop going on about the writing.

I really do not like the youth dialogue... which probably means it is very authentic.

I'm lost with who is who - not an issue on screen I guess, but hard for me to follow.

I can feel myself skimming now as not a lot is happening...

I like that you have made them inept at using these weapons - it makes sense to do that - so well done for that.

The trading card requirement is a bit weak - but it's there I guess - why not establish that is the prize up front? why keep it a secret?

This could be hard hitting I guess, but it didn't really do anything for me - It doesn't really tackle social media obsession like the log line promised.

Good effort

Quoted Text EXT. ST JOHN THE EVANGELIST CHURCH - NIGHT

Since the name of the church has no relevance on the story - I'd use the space to better set the scene. e.g.,

EXT. CHURCH - GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

The action was confusing to me given the number of characters involved. A lot of characters is a difficult task in five pages.

The trading card aspect felt shoe-horned in - nothing to really do with the story.

No one to care for at the end.

Last one of the lot for me. Let’s see what we got.

Pretty on the fence about this one. Am I supposed to care whether either kid lives or dies when they’ve voluntarily chosen to participate in this Hunger Games type of showdown? You’d think you’d care about Nadem but he’s only interested in street cred, not in saving his brother or girlfriend or something more noble.

Plus they’re live-streaming the killing. That just screams self-absorbed pricks to me. We want attention, and we’ll kill someone live for your viewing pleasure to get it.

The action sequences were fine — I’d rather see more fear and ineptness out of both of the kids — I mean, they’re only teens, so have them act that way when faced with getting gunned down.

The dialogue for me is a bit over the top. Kind of hard to take.

All in all, not for me, but good effort taking on the challenge.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi writer,

Quoted Text EXT. ST JOHN THE EVANGELIST CHURCH - NIGHT

If this particular church is important to the story I'd put it in a super.

Quoted Text 23:53 PM

23:00 can’t be anything but PM.

Quoted Text NEDIM Help me. Get my Mum. Please, get my Mum. MUM! MUM! MU...

Wouldnt it be Mom?

Talk about the trading card being shoe-horned in. It literally could have been a signed bobblehead or whistle or the last hand sanitizer Tupac used.

Can’t say I enjoyed it. Just way too many characters for a short this long, the dialogue was also a bit much for my taste.

All the best.

This one also needs to tell us at the start which city and country it’s in too.  I thought it was just in the US somewhere until the football card and the two hundred quid was mentioned. I know England has a good mix of nationalities but it all seemed very American gang stereotypes.

Was ambitious but didn’t amount to any story in the end.


The prob with action is they can produce very skimmable blocks of text   Even if it’s exciting stuff it can be quite tedious to read.

The story as a whole, ain’t my thing.  Entertainment-wise, still didn’t enjoy it.  I wondered how big this crowd was?  As far as I can tell, it’s just the two girls.  And these clips, how many bullets do they hold?  Seems like a few.  The prize didn’t seem worth it to die just for a stupid football card.  And you can write football, they know their game is really handball.

Roll out every stereotype about black kids, mix with the evil social media, and you get this story.

Love title and logline. NOW ISN'T THIS THE SIGN OF OUR TIMES!

A lot of characters to try to keep up with even on page one.

This was a chore to read. I didn't like the dialogue even though it may've been spot on... just didn't like it ...

I DID love that you brought the relevance of 'anything for followers' type thing.. this is so big right now all over social media that people will literally do anything over it. Great premise for maybe a feature too IMO.

Good job.

I liked the idea behind this, given recent media coverage of gang crimes and points given for certain things and kills etc this felt like a logical next step... but it would therefore be better to be set slightly in the future?

The dialogue, okay so I recognise a lot of the words used as 'street', but I have a feeling as soon as a screenwriter uses these words they're alreasdy 6 months too late for actual street slang... not sure how I feel about the dialogue.

The duel in the church I liked, but the reactions of the antagonists/protagonists - not sure which - seemed a tad off.

Trading card, sorry no.

The premise is interesting, the setting, too.

So, why did it fall flat? I think LC nailed it with her review. Make us care.

"I'm hit. Aagh, fuck, I'm hit." Says nobody. Ever.

Yeah, not for me. I'm not prejudice but I ended up hating everyone. Including the viewers. Writing street is one thing, but cramming every street lingo you can find is another.

In the money box is the prize. Didn't matter what it was.

The church's churchiness and the card's cardiness don't play any role here... this could just as easily taken place in a parking garage with concrete pillars with cash or drugs for stakes. The location could arguably be an important element of the story, but the card definitely was not. The duelists didn't even know it was there.
The teens sound like Brits trying to sound like Philadelphia rappers.
The competition seems grossly unfair to whoever steps up first, and only remotely plausible if the two groups are allied in some way... maybe even part of the same gang just picking teams for shits & giggles. There's no way that gangs with a beef with one another would settle things with a duel of volunteer fighters.
The title and logline don't quite fit the story here. Nedim isn't trying to be famous, he's just trying to win the acceptance of his peer group in a catastrophically high-risk/low-reward fashion one might expect from a teen. Jaden is the one obsessed with popularity.
Nice touch that the duelists here are unfamiliar with their weapons. I only wish that was realistic for teen gangsters.
There was no reason to misspell "blood" as "blud" on page 3. We can hear mispronunciation, but we can't hear illiterate spelling.
There was enough story here to fill five pages, though it may function better as part of a larger piece that can dig into the complexities of social media's effect on youths. If they're disjointed vignettes, each one can end with recommended videos of even more extreme content (this has actually been documented on YouTube).

Albeit outdated, blud is acceptable, Frank. Major cities and it's more likely they'll use 'fam' these days. Way more popular amongst the white thugs and affiliates is 'bruv' or 'bro'. I think this started in London and then moved up. Not sure if it's in Manchester. Scousers call each other 'kidder'... or back in the day, they'd say 'lah' short for lad.

Geezer/Geeze has made a bit of a comeback recently, I've noted. I know in the US it means an old guy, here it is an almost respectful term for somebody that is streetwise.

In Bristol they call each other 'kiddies'. 'I know this kiddy from St Paul's.' They sound like country farmers when they speak too. I can't say much as coming from Birmingham, my accent makes me sound stupid, I'm pretty sure.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Albeit outdated, blud is acceptable, Frank. Major cities and it's more likely they'll use 'fam' these days. Way more popular amongst the white thugs and affiliates is 'bruv' or 'bro'. I think this started in London and then moved up. Not sure if it's in Manchester. Scousers call each other 'kidder'... or back in the day, they'd say 'lah' short for lad.

Withdrawn

Just means the language is deteriorating faster than I thought