Quoted from DustinBowcot I will also do that. I use every tool there is. My only real point was that the original sentence was fine... and in fact more correct than the correction.

Cool, I see what you're saying. I just love a good technical conversation.

Card Chase

Reads more like a kid adventure story. Some wording felt strange, like overcomplicating things, but I'm an ESL speaker so I can't truly assess that.

I think it's the first chase-script. So, nice that you brought some variety to this round.

Otherwise, I don't know. I'm just not familiar with Detective Pikachu and the rules of the world , so I couldn't put that whole transparent, "imaginary" stuff  in context.

As I see it, you tried to interweave true story with a lot of pictures of the kids' fantasy and their inner imagination, which actually come to life during the plot as well.  

It's a bold attempt but the delivery wasn't 100% clear. However, I like the ambition and it was pretty okay.

You've gotten some good advice -- take it.

You had fun with this script, but it wasn't fun reading it. It's not a case of show don't tell, it's a case of waffling on when there's no need.

I'd stress what another poster has already said, though... your action lines; I think you can streamline them a little more to quicken the pace of the read. Rule number one of screenwriting: full, complete sentences are completely optional. Okay, maybe that's not rule number one, or so much a rule rather than a guideline, but it doesn't hurt to remember it anyway.   Remember, the more exciting the read is, the more exciting the scene will be.  In fact, I think you'll find it more helpful than not. Pretty words are nice, but nothing beats getting straight to the point and moving on.  I'm more interested when I'm "watching" your screenplay instead of being bogged down with description.

A brief aside.  Your use of continuous.  Here I felt they weren’t needed.  Because it was clear what was happening....

Transparent this, transparent that...give the audience some credit.  Ok. We get it.  "Set it up, then just write what you want your audience to see." I concur... this would be a better route.

Is this supposed to be routine stuff, business as usual, no big deal? Because that's the way it read to me.  Or is this supposed to be tense -- risky -- dangerous? I get no sense of it here.  Maybe an inkling. Which is why it's a tad bit complicated to follow -- I don't have a reason to follow.  Am I supposed to be breathless, wondering if he's going to succeed or make it?  I wasn't.

Put emotion into it.  Up the stakes that must be accomplished. Add some drama.  If you are going to have five minutes (the limit of the page count here) then make more happen.  You still  have some real estate to work with. Just saying.  

That said, you do have some cool, techincal description of a series of actions.  However, I'm only seeing a kernel of a story.  Just some random thoughts, you know the drill.  Use 'em or ignore 'em.  Best of luck!  

Cute story with tons of great action and good characters.

Cool title and cute premise.

Need to intro your main character sooner and with more information IMO. Too much describing the church and crying room for me.

This feels like an animated film while I read it. Kinda cool and different.

I do like that Nathan got the card back... the action on this was iffy for me...

Good job writer.

I know little about Pikachu but this started okay and I liked that it was more PG action for a change.

But when everytoine started going transparent I stared to lose track of what was going on,

Valiant effort but not for me.

This story made me think the boys were in the middle of playing Pokémon Go.  Combing the real world with the computerised game world on their phones.  I may be off.  Overall, the story was okay.  More for children.  I guess this meets the challenge.

A ton of action. Really, a ton. There's so much that it's a chore to read.

There's a post-it note on page three: "Sorry, I can't"

Hello everyone. Yes, I'm responsible for this one. It reads better if you have "Peter Gunn" (the theme from the Spy Hunter video game) in your head

Lots of folks weighed in with great advice for tightening up action blocks. Much appreciated.

I think everyone got that this was a spoof of the chase in ludicrously-high-stakes action films, with stakes that were high for the protagonist and antagonist and no one else. What was less clear to everyone is that Nathan is imagining a far more elaborate caper than what actually occurred.

For those of you without grade-school children, Pikachu is a completely unremarkable card in the Pokémon game, but the character is basically the game's mascot. There was a recent film named Detective Pikachu, and part of the film's marketing included a series of limited-edition cards using stills from the film. In Pokémon parlance, a limited-edition card is called "legendary."

Aaron couldn't come out and say he wanted to steal the card in front of the nun, but with a little more space I can have him make a more direct (if still thinly veiled) threat.

I wanted to start in the shallow end of Nathan's imagination and get more and more fantastical, but maybe it would help selling the over-active imagination if his apparition of Ashley was suddenly on a sleek motorcycle under the sliding board.

Thanks again for all the great feedback.

I totally missed the fact that Nathan's imagination was far more elaborate than what actually occurred. It reads better that way. Really like that angle.

Maybe you can establish his active imagination in another way early. (Especially now that you aren't tied by page count.) Start with an unrelated sequence where his imagination is running wild, maybe? Or, someone makes a comment about his over-active imagination?

Anyway... point is... I wish I didn't miss that on the original read.

(If you do the motorcycle thing... maybe that's a point you can clue us in. He sees a motorcycle, we see a bike.)

Quoted from PKCardinal I totally missed the fact that Nathan's imagination was far more elaborate than what actually occurred. It reads better that way. Really like that angle. Maybe you can establish his active imagination in another way early. (Especially now that you aren't tied by page count.) Start with an unrelated sequence where his imagination is running wild, maybe? Or, someone makes a comment about his over-active imagination? Anyway... point is... I wish I didn't miss that on the original read. (If you do the motorcycle thing... maybe that's a point you can clue us in. He sees a motorcycle, we see a bike.)

That’s a good idea intro’ing the imagination earlier, but then I’d probably have to rewind to before the initial choir practice.

Can also show what actually happened near the end... Ashley on her bike hands the card to Aaron.