Lines by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Anybody's Guess - Short, Thriller - A husband and wife face separate, deadly decisions.

Writing Challenge there: "Blood is Thicker than Water" using Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh nice work! I was digging this and wondering - and hoping - it didn't end lamely. And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the use of the ketchup packets!  There was a bit of vagueness to the actual story but it gave the script a noir type feel.  An early fave

Haha! What a switcheroo. I loved everything except this line:
She’s my blood. My angel. Just sounded like you wanted to make sure we got that along with the theme.

Suspenseful and clever and funny as well. And cleverly met the criteria.
Nice one.

I like this one but don't have much to say about it. I'd make it a tad clearer that some time passed between getting in the car and the shots ringing out.

Good use of all the variables here. Steve and Leslie have "blood" vs. "water" moments but only if you consider marriage to be water. I think it counts.

Hi,

A tidy story and a fantastic ending. Just thought it was a bit fortunate Leslie happened to look in a toolbox to find a loaded gun.
Interplay between Leslie and Stella was great but Steve was a bit of a caricature.
I liked this story a lot.

Well done.

Apart from some overly convenient coincidences I thought this was very good.

Seen the Ketchup used that way before but I still didn't spot it coming - good job!

She's my blood. Too OTN but a minor quibble.

Good job

After the first scene it started reading a lot matter-of-factly. Almost like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. And then coincidetal "let's check on your dad" didn't help.
But the fact she overheard the convo between her husband and the thugs and what they decided to do was quite a pay off. And everyone got what they deserved.
So overall I liked it a lot. Let's see how I rate it at the end.

Ketchup Packets, Homemaker, Auto Body Shop

Lots to love in this and I liked the writing.

I have to say I struggled with the ketchup blood moment

This could be a sound short with a few more pages and time.

Decent effort.

That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time.

There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words.

And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far.

My hat is off to you, top work.

-Mark

Nice reveal. And I thought you were just doing the old shoehorn with the ketchup packets. Best use of an object so far during this little tourney!

No complaints - Good work, writer.

Powerful. Solid characters. Good plot. Good pace. And it proves the antithesis of the theme.

Great writing and hits all the beats it needs to.

Nothing else to say really.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw That was great. My fav so far. I love the characters of Leslie and Stella, you build up a bond between them so well in such a short time. There's so much white space!! This, ladies and gentlemen (and those currently undecided) is how you write a screenplay that reads eloquently and says so much with so few words. And I think it wins the best award for the use of an item (Ketchup packets) so far. My hat is off to you, top work. -Mark

Oh, Mark.  Now I have to read this one and see what you're talking about.

I will ASAP.  Shower, then dinner, then...this!!  

Wow. Damn you, writer!! How dare you write something so freakin good during this crazy challenge!!

So first, I hate you.

Second...this was so good. Everything about it was good. And the ketchup packets! Damn you!

Easy win here. Excellent job.

That is quite good, I must say.

Bravo!