Thrillseekers by Colin Cherry - Concierge's leather belt in a dance studio. - Short, Action

There was a lot going on here and some of it was confusing.  You definitely hit the theme. Great job there and interesting idea you came up with. I think it needs to be trimmed which will make it easier to understand.

The phone call was confusing because you wrote it as if Gretchen was in the room too. If we're meant to hear what she's saying, it should be (VO)...but Linda also heard her...so maybe you should just do a speakerphone.

I think you did a good job based on those stinky variables you had. Just needs to be cleaned up a bit for clarity.

Best of luck, writer.

Tough variables and yet you managed to put together an interesting story and cover all the bases. A few typos and you could make it a bit clearer as there is a lot going on but all easily sorted in a second draft.

Well done for making it all the way through the 2020 WT!

-Mark

I'm just looking at those elements:
Concierge's leather belt? Is that meant to be - concierge, leather belt, dance studio?

I'll assume so.

Wow, so much going on in five pages. Big tick for going extreme and imaginative with that lot.
Action is tough.Theme? Hmm. It was a bit all over the joint but nice job.

I read it and then realized that I missed the leather belt. But there's a lot of action that I generally don't like to read so it might be hiding in there somewhere.
Anyway, I don't think it's very important at this point anyway.
This was an interesting short and you took risks putting together a crazy plot that actually came together at the end - with the payment and all.

I guess the motive here to have a party, but I'm thinking you need more in that department. Just a bit more of a motivation. And factoring that in would explain who Gretchen is - which is alway good as she's one of your mains.

A proofread or two would've done wonders for this short. It derails the reader to have to go back and re-read a line or two to understand the intent or what was meant to be written. First line: "The place needs is a makeover to make it more modern." And then Linda shows up (without any intro or explanation) and gets right in the middle of a weird phone conversation with Gretchen.

All the requisites were there. The action was all over the place. Theme was nailed, I guess.

A proofread could've made all the difference. Good job, writer.

All of the criteria are met, though I suspect some of the confusion I had in a couple of places was due to having to get them in somehow - so marks for that.

I wasn;t convinced by the setup for this really, but once I got past that then it was a quick paced read... though the end felt abrupt.

Well done for getting one in

Hmm...my first gripe is a chick named Blair. Had to re-read it to realise it. lol.

Look, I see you went for something inventive here but there is no reason for it all to take place in a dance studio which is just used as a party venue. The concierge was fine but the leather belt a shoehorn. Written ok but there was no real story.  Sorry to be harsh.

First of all... kudos for making it to week 5. This tourney is a marathon, and anyone who finishes deserves props.

As for this short, the many typos are very distracting. But, that's an easy fix.

The short itself just didn't hit for me, I'm sorry to say. Outside of a bit of mystery, I just wasn't invested in the story. There was no character that I was drawn to, or even invited to follow, really.

The pace was good and the action description was nice. The paintball twist was also fun.

Quoted from stevie Hmm...my first gripe is a chick named Blair. Had to re-read it to realise it. lol.

They never showed THE FACTS OF LIFE in Australia, Stevie?  

This never quite got underway for me. It's almost 4 full pages of banter until we get the action that defines the genre, and then it's an immediate shift to paintball.

I also didn't understand the arrangement. They're paying Stanley and his girlfriend, a hefty sum at that, so what are the thrillseekers competing for?

AJR

This was a bit busy for me and a little confusing but well written, decent visuals and good characterisation.

Well done.