Landing On Water by This Better Be Good - Hawk Feather, Anthropologist, Truck Stop - Short, Sci Fi

Whoa. Can't believe all the crazy visuals you fit into 5 pages. They sure got back to earth fast and Deena was strangely calm through the whole ordeal. Maybe she burned something before Burning Man?

I definitely enjoyed this. The writing itself was great which made for an easy read. But...where was winning at any cost? Not sure I even saw a glimpse of the theme. I'll check back to see if anyone else saw it. Maybe I just missed it.

Enjoyable read. Best of luck.

Maybe if you did create an extraordinary talent for Deena? And maybe have her resist just a bit more? It might tie into theme more too. *

Elements all there.
* Theme a bit... I didn't even think of it while reading to be honest, except that Barrett gets what he wants at all costs.

Everything in this world is crazy and chaotic so the 'winning' element evaded me a bit.

Made me smile. Very inventive and great visuals.

Sure. Why not. It's like you pulled out all stops and just went for it! Helluva future technology budget to re-create the Burning Man. So many holes but who cares. The only glaring issue is Deena just rolling with it. "Okay, we're on the moon and all this is fake. Move over and take me away in your Jeep."

A fun read. Theme was a bit thin but I think it's in enough to count. Good job, writer.

Hmm, there's a lot of explanatory exposition and Deena just sort of goes, yeah sure...

Wow, there some way out visuals here, would love to see the rocket man vs sand people!

I don't think I've ever said this, in fact often the opposite... but this may be too OTT for the criteria.

And unfortunately for me there's no attempt at the theme here.

Very entertaining read

Yeah this is a cool concept but it happens way too fast and becomes quite unbelievable (woulda been a good candidate for Mystery lol)  Deena just accepts his story and leaves her jeep behind?

Looking at it now I realise you had some good variables but were stuck with sci fi and did what you could. I'll cut you some slack for that.

BARRETT EXITS HIS JEEP
Best to write I/E JEEP - PARKED instead of INT. JEEP - PARKED right from the start of the scene.

Wouldn't it be nice to put the dreamcatcher in the ship as they take off? (must have been a small one, being able to fit in a breast pocket)

nice job overall though, even if the story feels trippy. I guess those pesty sand people  
left no trace...

Touched on all the requisites well.

It was a lot of well-described sci-fi. I had fun reading it. It was easy to follow to as it's a simple and straight forward story.
Perhaps in the rewrite you'll have room to show more about her getting in his car. Or maybe have him gag her, shove her in and then, after he explained, and she talked to her dad, release out of her bounds.
Either way, this was entertaining little read. Good luck!

I gotta say I don't agree with the other posters necessarily.  I'm a pretty big science fiction fan, so would it be wrong to say that science fiction writing has to exhibit the most sense of confidence from the writer in order for the reader to agree to be taken along for the ride? I think so. Your writing's clear, and you move your story along at a brisk pace - maybe a little too brisk, but it's a short.  Fair enough.

That said, this really didn't do it for me. Barrett's dialogue itself is abundance of exposition. I know it's tough, I'm sure there's a lot to explain in this crazy world but it needs to be a little more subtle. The Robot and sand people stuff felt like an amalgam of Star wars, and War of the Worlds...  longstanding tropes -- what's your spin?  

Then again, if I'm in the minority and everyone loves it...

That was a lot of sci-fi elements thrown together really fast. Looks like even Deena was shell-shocked.

Seems more like the opening of a longer story where all the bizarre opening sequence stuff eventually makes sense. I don't really see the "winning at any cost" theme in the story. There's plenty of cost in setting up an elaborate human preserve and then plucking a particular person out of it, but I'm struggling to see any of these characters winning anything. It can't be Barrett in his mission to retrieve Deena because she never resisted.

Agree, there was a lot going on here, and the dots really didn't connect for me.

First, I think there were some space saving opportunities which would have given you more room to expound on the story. Action lines that were a bit too long or widowed.

And for your slugs, I was always under the impression that it's written as INT. JEEP - DAY (PARKED), where you have INT. JEEP - PARKED, so technically, "parked" is your time of day. Unless there's a new convention I'm not aware of.

Tough to find the theme, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this story. It's about getting Deena, and everyone else, back to Earth? Then I'm not sure why the covert "Kyle from Terminator" urgency. It should just be a thing that happens. And the annoying literal Larry in me says I guess there are no budgets in your future world because 2 people taking a 50 foot robot ship seems awfully wasteful... it should be packed with other refugees.

AJR

I don't see the theme in this and Deena is too passive. The page limit didn't have anywhere near enough for you to cram this idea into it and unfortunately, it shows. So the pacing is off and I didn't buy into any of it.

Creatively, there is a lot to admire and I reckon you could turn this into a great short story or longer script outside the confines of the challenge.

-Mark

So much happens for so very little reason. What's the larger story here? Man takes woman back home? That's not enough.

The world was cool, and the visuals were fun. But, even with all of that, you still TELL us most of the cool stuff. She's on the moon. It's an earth replica. Other moons are also earth replicas... all told. You had the perfect opportunity to SHOW us some of this. I mean, they blast off from the moon to go to earth... we will literally see both. That should be your moment of recognition.

So much to like. But, still, could have been even more cool.

Lot's of great visuals in the story but I'm afraid I couldn't keep track of what was happening. Dialogue was good however.

Well done.