SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:03am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  ›  Defeating the Martians - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Defeating the Martians - WT5  (currently 727 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2020, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Defeating the Martians by An Earthian - Balaclava, Mathematician, Laboratory - Short, Action, Adventure


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 2:24am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
I enjoyed this, it's amusing, gets the criteria in and is a nice quick read.

My niggles are that it's a bit convenient, e.g. they decide not to backup their data... and the theme is very light for me.

But there's a sort of charm to it and the way that it's written that I found very engaging.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
LC
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 4:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
A niggle to start:
The Room not (a room) imho.
Parenthetical: (INTO PHONE)
Should be formatted under the character's name:
PHILIP
  (into phone)
Ooh, typo on the title page but you were likely rushing to deadline.

Thank you, Mother. Cap the m when you can replace Mother with a name e.g. Thank you, Martha. Okay, you'll be happy to know I'll stop the small stuff now.

Is that meant to be Phillip's line at the end?
Either way I liked it.

Cole and Grumpy are great characters.
Theme, hmm, I might call it something else outside of this challenge, but yep.  And the elements were there.
Good job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
khamanna
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 10:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Don't forget to check your title in the rewrite.

this was fun. Very entertaining. The parrot could help guess him in, but looks like you want us to believe he's so different to what he really is that they won't suspect him. That's my gripe though.

The theme is in I say - the way I understood it, it's Earthians against Martians. Is that why Cole says that at the end? The rest is seemingly in there too.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
JEStaats
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
I struggled with this. For me, the writing didn't flow that well and was somewhat confusing. Very expositional. You really didn't have to explain balaclava (unless you wanted to be sure readers knew he wasn't wearing a delicious middle eastern dessert on his head. MMM...baklava!).

Dang it, I'm going to read it again.

Yeah, no. Theme, too, is very lacking. Intent is there but it just doesn't work for me. Good luck, writer.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
mmmarnie
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
This was super cute and very well written. You definitely nailed the genre. I think there's a decent sized hole in that those entry cards record who the card holder is when used.

Great characters. I was expecting a Greek pastry...not a mask. Lol. Then realized it wasn't spelled the same. Good thing I wasn't assigned that variable. Lolol

So theme...evil cloning just to beat the martians. Got it.

Very enjoyable story. Nice job, writer.


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
stevie
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Needs a SUPER please if its in the future and Earth is at war with Mars!

Reads more like a comedy actually, a slapstick one at that. Pretty cool way to use the variables so good job there. I did start to skim a bit when Cole was in  the labs causing chaos but it ended nicely.  Good job.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
Arundel
Posted: August 3rd, 2020, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
Comes across like Spy Kids (which I haven't seen, but sounds like it would!)Energetically written and entertaining all around. What was the green liquid in the squirt gun?

In reality the description of a boy with a canary would easily point to Cole as the culprit. His parents may not know about he costume, but the other is kind of a giveaway. Other than that, it was a good family adventure.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2020, 10:00am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
That was utterly bonkers and fun.

A lot of typos and the action was written in a clunky, robotic fashion which made it hard to read. Nothing a re-write wouldn't sort out and I'm sure the time factor (or lack of) played a big factor.

Winning at all costs? Hmmm, maybe, but he was just doing his dad a favour but I'll let it slide as it was so creative.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 5th, 2020, 2:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
As I was reading this, I'm thinking: Is this the work of a genius that my feeble mind can't grasp, or is this the work of someone sitting in his mom's basement, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and scarlet lipstick, that only types because the voice inside the pudding cup tells him to?

Ok, ok... kidding. This is nuts.  Funny in a bizarre kind of way. I love your imagination.  You've got a good one. However, this was just okay for me. Good luck with it. -ghostiegirl.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
Geezis
Posted: August 9th, 2020, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There's always a single malt waiting for you.

Location
Glasgow, Scotland
Posts
411
Posts Per Day
0.27
Lot's to like and some things that just don't add up for me but it was a quirky tale and decently written.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2020 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006