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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Hitmen Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hitmen  (currently 1293 views)
Don
Posted: March 4th, 2004, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hitmen by Matt C - Action - Lisa Nobel is a shy and timid CIA Agent who works at a desk all day. So when her father is brutally murdered by three Mafia crime bosses and her own boss refuses to help her investigate, this shy and timid Lisa must take the law into her own hands. - html format.


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velera
Posted: March 14th, 2004, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Dear Mattt:

I took the time to read 10 pages of your screenplay. I'm very disappointed in the writing. This is not meant to insult of discourage (I don't even know what draft this is or your writing experience).

Again, I'm visiting this site and reading material randomly and I promised myself I'd read only material a writer would ask me to read.

But no one on this site has accepted my offer to read their work. So, I'm forced to read and so far, I haven't found anything that holds my interest.

At least you finished the work so the discipline to write is there and that's a good start.

Anyway, I'm off to read more scripts...

Rich
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TheParadoxicalShaman
Posted: March 14th, 2004, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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He wanted to talk, I wanted to shoot...

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i'm forced to agree unfortunately...


He wanted to talk.  I wanted to shoot.
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Heretic
Posted: March 14th, 2004, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry to say I didn't enjoy the first dialogue very much at all, and this kind of put me off.  It seems almost..random, at points, the way that her father and she interact.  For example, her father doesn't seem particularly excited that she's writing Predator 3, with Rodriguez, no less.

THe dialogue just doesn't seem to have a very realistic tone too it.
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bodegage
Posted: March 14th, 2004, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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Well I'd really like some constructive comments on "Crosshairs"...Shaman....Heretic....


As for Hitmen....blah...ten pages in and I just didn't like it...particularly the father's response here.

LISA
      Actually, they're trying to get...
      Robert Rodriguez to do some of the
      rewrites, but I'll get to work on
      my own.

            ALEXANDER
      Okay.
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