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I'm sorry I haven't read more than a few pages but I just wanted to point out a very important mis-spelled word. Normally I wouldn't comment on spelling but you consistently call the adversaries on page 2 and 3 "ARMED GORILLA MILITANTS" when it should be "GUERRILLA MILITANTS". It's a very glaring mistake and also the word "armed gorilla militant" connotes something else entirely, like a bunch of huge apes fireing rifles and rocket launchers!
I checked the other pages and I don't think it has been mentioned.
Sorry, but it's really a distraction and I just wanted to point it out as it's an easy fix.
"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."
"ARMED GORILLA MILITANTS" when it should be "GUERRILLA MILITANTS".
Thank you very much, i wasnt aware there wasnt a different spelling for it, and you are VERY correct. I will fix this!
UPDATE**********************
I didn't make into finals, buts its okay I know why. I sent earlier draft before december 11th, filled with problems lol. So I know next one I enter, I (hopefully) do better with this new improved draft. Thanks again everyone!
Pg 1: You have “Int. Professor Hyneck – Day” You cannot be inside a professor, so do you mean, inside his home or work place? Also, instead of writing “mid eastern man” you should put “Middle Eastern man” Pg 2: you don’t need the comma after the word “say” it flows better without it. Pg 3: “wears *a* black seal uniform”; “binoculars” with an “s” ; white male does not need to be capitalized ; the positioning of TROY’s dialogue at the end of the page is positioned a bit oddly. Not sure if you should just put it on the next page, add the word “more” in parenthesis, or just leave it like that. Pg6: What do you mean by his head collapses? Are you stating that his head has been decapitated? Or that he has collapsed on the floor? It’s a bit unclear. ; not sure about the word “montage” being inserted into the title. I’ve seen it being place *after* the title. Can someone clear this up? Can it go both ways? Pg 8 – Japan should be capitalized; again, should DR. ZHAN be itself at the end of the page? Pg 10 – Nearing the end of page 10 and I’m not exactly sure what this script is about…There is a lot of stuff going on, and I can make sense of certain scenes, but as a whole, I’m getting lost.
Okay, I’m getting out of work. I want to finish the review but I’ll be busy for the rest of the day. Expect it tomorrow or the day after.
Pg 1: You have �Int. Professor Hyneck � Day� You cannot be inside a professor, so do you mean, inside his home or work place? Also, instead of writing �mid eastern man� you should put �Middle Eastern man�
Pg 3: �wears *a* black seal uniform�; �binoculars� with an �s�
TROY�s dialogue at the end of the page is positioned a bit oddly. Not sure if you should just put it on the next page, add the word �more� in parenthesis, or just leave it like that. again, should DR. ZHAN be itself at the end of the page?
This is becuz the convert from final draft, to rtf/pdf.... just ignore these (mistakes) it converted that way.
Hey JD, DDP's right about the first scene header. But that's not the only problem with that part:
*You described Claire as a "beautiful FBI agent". Don't tell us she's an FBI agent, show us. Does she have a badge or something? Don't feel bad though, I've made these mistakes too.
*Another problem with this scene is the dialogue. It advanced way too fast for its own sake. By the first page you have the professor telling her what he's about to say will change what she knows about life. What? We probably find out later on, but come on, we've only met these characters for half a minute!
Okay, moving on...
*By page 2 I could tell your description is as sharp as it gets. I can literally picture everything clearly in my head without problems, as opposed to your opening. Excellent writing.
*Even though they die quickly, you might wanna give the Seals names. O rmaybe just Seal One, since he has a brief conversation with Troy. He could be a minor character and not just a nameless soldier.
*On page 6 you have "Troy attacks, but the militant falls over dead". Huh? Was he already dead when he looked at Troy?
*I like Morbid. He's a good villian.
*At one point you have Hynek say: "none of the monkeys wanted nothing to do with it". That's not how professors speak. You need to either remove the "none" or change nothing for "anything".
*Some of the second act drags a bit with slightly slow pacing.
*Theories and stuff are a bit "whaaa...?" But it is Fantasy, so it's cool.
*The third act picks up the good pace again. Great.
*"Graveyard"--one word, not "grave yard".
Pretty interesting, entertaining screenplay. I can tell you improved A LOT since you wrote Reality Decisions.
An excellent read, some minor flaws. But that's completely normal anyway.
Can't wait to read more form you you were right, I wasn't dissapointed
*You described Claire as a "beautiful FBI agent". Don't tell us she's an FBI agent, show us. Does she have a badge or something? Don't feel bad though, I've made these mistakes too.
you are dead on here. I have already changed it, b4 you had mentioned but I havent posted revision yet, which I soon will so time jumping is less confusing and theories are closers together in the middle
*Another problem with this scene is the dialogue. It advanced way too fast for its own sake. By the first page you have the professor telling her what he's about to say will change what she knows about life. What? We probably find out later on, but come on, we've only met these characters for half a minute!
Noted. I have removed this beginning. It will start right at the Mission Line- land. We wont meet Hynek til half way thru the script.
*By page 2 I could tell your description is as sharp as it gets. I can literally picture everything clearly in my head without problems, as opposed to your opening. Excellent writing.
Thank you for noticing and I'm glad i paint the picture easily for you to see!
*Even though they die quickly, you might wanna give the Seals names. O rmaybe just Seal One, since he has a brief conversation with Troy. He could be a minor character and not just a nameless soldier.
*At one point you have Hynek say: "none of the monkeys wanted nothing to do with it". That's not how professors speak. You need to either remove the "none" or change nothing for "anything".
*Theories and stuff are a bit "whaaa...?" But it is Fantasy, so it's cool.
Maybe this explaination with help jusitfy more that i'm adding it.
As everone learns in school.When you break down the human or anything further. We all are but atoms. Electrons and neutrons revolving around a nucleus, energy. Apply <-- what you have read.
Okay, I finally finished the script and let me say that after the first 15 pages, the story really takes off and starts to make more sense. I have to make it clear that this is not normally a script that I would pick up; its simply not my cup of tea. However, coming to this story without much excitement did not deter me from noting that this script has a lot of potential. I can see, for example, that some of my friends who go more into this type of movie would thoroughly enjoy it.
You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.
There are a few spelling errors that I saw, but I did not have the time to point them out individually because I am at work (and actually busy)! Lol. However, I didn't see anything major. You have good format, and I'll definitely take a closer look at this script and other scripts here on the board in the near future to get tips and ideas for my own writing!
I have to make it clear that this is not normally a script that I would pick up; its simply not my cup of tea. However, coming to this story without much excitement did not deter me from noting that this script has a lot of potential. I can see, for example, that some of my friends who go more into this type of movie would thoroughly enjoy it.
I wanted to just say thank you for time and reviewing it. You got review from me whenever you need it.
I glad I was able to hold your interest for something which normally you wouldnt even look at!
You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.
Thanks, I'm glad you were able to notice the individual characters. i'm still tryng to amp them up. I will also fix the beginning so it is less confusing. Since it seems to be a trend.
You have good format, and I'll definitely take a closer look at this script and other scripts here on the board in the near future to get tips and ideas for my own writing!
I really dug this story, and the title is probably the "catchiest" I've seen on here . You should try and sell it or something.
In the works, I still have some work to do on it tho. I do have a professional contact , once I get it were he oka its.. He will pass me to his producer friends
Having read a few of the more recent critiques, I know that this draft is well liked. I, though, prefer the previous draft -- which, imo, was more engaging. This new draft, action packed as it is, doesn't, at least in the first 50 pages, affect me as the first one did.
It, I think, lacks a kind of human element -- a frailty. By this I mean, in the previous draft, the Mime (or Sarah), is introduced in a cathedral. She questions herself, her actions, etc. This scene served two purposes, 1) it set up Sarah as a sympathetic character, and 2) it forshadowed the religious angle. It was a good hook. It drew me into the story. Having read that, I wanted to read more.
As it is now, it's just one action scene after another. Even so, I must say, the action scenes are better written. The bar scene in particular -- it did not, as it did before, bore me. The whole script, in terms of grammar and punctuation, is better. Still, there are a number of errors. Screenplays, in terms of grammar, don't have to be perfect, but they should approximate something close to perfect. That said, go to a used book store and pick up a style book. Study it.
You're very creative. You tell a good story -- but if the story you tell can't be breezed through, it won't be read. Readers, in Hollywood, from what I understand, will toss a script for the most minuscule of reasons. Bastards!
Anyway, wanting to focus on the story, I took few notes. Among the few things that jumped out at me...
1) Words like "glare" and "gaze." They scream amateur. They sound literary, but they're not. Try not not to use either more than once in a script. Such words come off as bloated. In other words, not necessary.
2) Years, like 87 or 94 should have an apostrophe infront of 'em. '87, '94.
3) On page 44 you wrote: "...quantum means enough." When I think of the word quantum, as it relates to quantum theory (or mechanics), I think of atomic and subatomic particles -- the word "enough" never enters into the equation. Granted, I'm not a physicist.
Still, if you want to work it from a pseudoscience angle (and, really, you haven't much choice), then work it, research it -- couch it in vague, but realistic, terminology.
I'm only 50 pages into this (half through it). So far, though, I have to say, it's disappointing. You cut everything that I liked. The beauty of your previous script was that the characters, the ones that had the ability to employ PSI(sp), a supernatural ability, were, at the same time, very human -- suffereing as we all do with self-doubt.
It, I think, lacks a kind of human element -- a frailty. By this I mean, in the previous draft, the Mime (or Sarah), is introduced in a cathedral. She questions herself, her actions, etc. This scene served two purposes, 1) it set up Sarah as a sympathetic character, and 2) it forshadowed the religious angle. It was a good hook. It drew me into the story. Having read that, I wanted to read more.
I did like this scene aswell. Maybe It willreturn, after couple more drafts. I'm have hard time making everything streamline in a time perdion.. cuz I have alot of exposition to cover
As it is now, it's just one action scene after another. Even so, I must say, the action scenes are better written. The bar scene in particular -- it did not, as it did before, bore me. The whole script, in terms of grammar and punctuation, is better. Still, there are a number of errors. Screenplays, in terms of grammar, don't have to be perfect, but they should approximate something close to perfect. That said, go to a used book store and pick up a style book. Study it.
Yea I need to. my enlish have been shot to shit from years of internet short handtyping and txt messaging.
You're very creative. You tell a good story -- but if the story you tell can't be breezed through, it won't be read. Readers, in Hollywood, from what I understand, will toss a script for the most minuscule of reasons. Bastards!
Are you saying you were confused at a point?
Anyway, wanting to focus on the story, I took few notes. Among the few things that jumped out at me...
1) Words like "glare" and "gaze." They scream amateur. They sound literary, but they're not. Try not not to use either more than once in a script. Such words come off as bloated. In other words, not necessary.
Dont know about that one, usually amateurs use "look" then peer, gaze Certanly worth a look up
3) On page 44 you wrote: "...quantum means enough." When I think of the word quantum, as it relates to quantum theory (or mechanics), I think of atomic and subatomic particles -- the word "enough" never enters into the equation. Granted, I'm not a physicist.
Adjective form - LARGE AMOUNT. I use it in the context for describing
Still, if you want to work it from a pseudoscience angle (and, really, you haven't much choice), then work it, research it -- couch it in vague, but realistic, terminology.
Yo talking about word choice when speaking of the quantum theory?
I'm only 50 pages into this (half through it). So far, though, I have to say, it's disappointing. You cut everything that I liked. The beauty of your previous script was that the characters, the ones that had the ability to employ PSI(sp), a supernatural ability, were, at the same time, very human -- suffereing as we all do with self-doubt.
No, I wasn't confused. In fact, for the most part, Newton's Cradle is a quick, easy read. Some of the punctuation, though, caused me to pause -- taking me out of the story.
Adjective form - LARGE AMOUNT. I use it in the context for describing
A quantum, in terms of science, is "The minimum amount of a quantity that is found in nature." Quantum mechanics (or theory) deals with waves and particles -- things that are, by definition, tiny -- not large.
I looked quantum up at dictionary.com and, yes, one definition is "A large quantity," but this definition, as far as I know, hasn't anything to do with quantum theory.
So when Hynek says, "The experiment is quantum theory. Quantum means enough...." He, in my mind, sounds a little clueless.
Still, I know almost nothing about quantum mechanics. That said, I encourage you to research it.
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Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)
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you were right, I wasn't dissapointed 
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