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I think "A" helicopter instead of the helicopter'd be better since we're just getting introduced to it.
top pg 2 - its needs an apostrophe
Too much backstory ruins the momentum. I think. I'd just like to go right to the mime after Troy's mission. I think you squeezed too much in a small amount of time, and seemed like it just moved too quickly. I'd like to see it revealed more gradually. You also might be making Sarah too obvious as the mime, and may be revealing too much about the gift too early. Like I said, I think it should be more gradual over time as it goes. I like more of an ora of mysticism around Sarah. I don't like knowing too much about her. And what's with the guy? I just kinda dig the "basket case" version of Sarah more then knowing all these things about her. Like being normal and having a boyfriend and all that. Because if you display her that way you run the risk of having people not buying that she could be capable of being the mime later, which is kinda how I feel about her right now since you humanize her and show her as an ordinary person too much. I don't wanna see her as a "normal" person, I just like her as the sad, broken up Sarah with the inner conflict. Like the last version, I thought that was just fine,except for these scenes I think you could cut. It's just my opinion, but I'd rather not know all this information, and get to the psi and action stuff. I'd rather see morbid leave troy for dead, Morbid get away and cut to the attack on Quantum Mechanics years later. The thug fight I still don't dig either.
bottom pg 8 - Sarah - "...mom was there when you WASN'T..." - Should be weren't.
pg 10 - Troy - "...Let THE him go"
pg 11 - Moore - "Hickman, you're suppose(D) to be..."
pg 17 - description is worded oddly - CHRIS (1, skinny with glasses and frizzy hair. MATT (1, round body and face. They trot down a hall towards a classroom. The first two sentences arein't sentences, and could all be combined as Chris (description) and Matt (description) trot down the hall so you could also take out the "they" in they trot.
Also on pg 17 - "There are" students of various ages, maybe Just "Students of various ages, male and female fill the classroom." Or just "An eclectic group of students...blah blah" etc.
top pg 21 - Zahn - its needs apostrophe
pg 22 - Rallins - "...(He's) teaches at..."
pg 22 - S(.)W.A.T(.) and F.B.I(.)
pg 23 - You probably shouldn't put "Arkon's mansion" before Arkon's been properly introduced. Just put Mansion.
pg 25 - S.W.A.T(.)
pg 26 - Not really necessary to put (tipsy) on two consecutive Troy dialogues.
pg 29 - The flashback with Zahn and Troy in the hospital, I don't think really works. Going from one conversation between Troy and Zahn to another ruins the momentum. We already get the feeling that these two know eachother, and there may be some bad blood.
I don't remember how much you hinted at Hynek in the last draft, but think you did a good job with it here. With playing it back on the tape recorder, and asking Troy who he is, Zahn referrencing the book, nice kinda mood of interest you created here. If it was in the last draft, I don't really remember, but it seems more pronounced in this one. Cuz the themes he talks about do deliver, so it's cool how you've planted the seeds here.
pg 39 - Stahl - "What the fuck he doin' here?" - Should be IS he...
pg 41 - "Kent starts to black out..." - Uh oh, did I just catch a "starts to" in a JD script? Holy shit! Say it ain't so JD! No, just kidding. You probably just wanna put Kent blacks out though.
pg 47 - The "rice crispies don't talk to him" line is lost on me.
pg 47 - "STAND hands her the book" - ???
pg 48 - "A noise O.S." Maybe you should describe the noise a little more. A noise could range from anything from a glass breaking, to a bang, to a car door slamming, etc.
pg 50 - You have Troy enters a telephone booth in description and then have an INT. PHONE BOOTH next, when you could just say "Troy enters a..." PHONE BOOTH
I remember someone saying in past comments that it's too convenient for Troy to just look up an agent in the phone book. It really doesn't bother me all that much, but I can see how people would think it's convenient. Why not just have Hartley give Troy her number in case he thinks of any info, or gives him a card, or both, or Troy could even call her precinct and ask to talk to her.
pg 51 - You say Duncan calls to Stahl, and then in the next dialogue you have (to Stahl) which is unnecessary and redundant.
Doesn't everyone who uses psi glow. We see everyone do that. But Troy already knows she has it, which doesn't make his saying "you have it too..." make much sense.
It's odd that sometimes you go from writing FBI and SWAT to F.B.I. and S.W.A.T. Maybe you should have more of a constant. Cuz you also tend to leave out periods here and there when you use them.
pg 59 - THE Morbid's car follows.
"I don't have anymore cats" - Ha! And nice touch with the energy drink cans. And smoking three cigarettes. Nice details for Hynek, you created a good picture and personality for him.
bttom pg 62 - "He his hands shake"
pg 62 - Hynek - At first, none of the lil bastards wanted nothing to do with it. -- Either say the little bastards wanted nothing... or none of the lil bastards wanted ANYTHING to do with it. Otherwise it sounds weird.
pg 63 - (An) adult monkey refuses the fruit...
pg 65 - Hynek - The baby bastards BECAME to an age, should be CAME to an age.
pg 72 - Hartly - you're loosen me, should be LOSIN' me.
pg 73 - You should still change slug lines when you show Arkon and Troy during Hynek's speaking. Or at least signify a montage or something.
pg 74 - "Jesus sits around his desciples" Maybe amongst would be better, or his desciples site around him. Unless J.C. was really fat, I don't think he could sit around his desciples.
pg 74 - Hynek - "There isn't one person that doesn't have (A) piece of him..."
bottom pg 75 - its needs apostrophe.
"...to make some bling" - ha!
top pg 78 - Hynek - "The only way to defend yourself from psi is psi IT itself"
Done and some parts were improved, but I still feel like before that all you really need to do is cut a couple scenes. In the beginning which I mentioned, and the hospital scene between Troy and Zahn. And if you keep the car accident scene with Johna, which is kinda essential I guess, you should place that later, maybe when Sarah goes to the cemetary. And thus concludes my review.
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
I read through the whole thing and have some commentary. I do have the occasional format issue, but who doesn't. A lot of my comment occur in the beginning and the middle, cause as the end approaches, the journey becomes quite a bit clearer. In fact, your final pages are quite well written.
My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. It's not summer blockbuster material because it's too cerebral, but it's one of those that would work well in the early parts of the year before people stop thinking and just want mindless action and violence. I think it occasionally goes a bit too far off the deep end in the scientific super-babble of how things work and why, but it's not as bad as the original Ringu sequel called Rasen (which I do reference in here).
So you've done a great job on this script and its rewrites (this is the second full draft I've read). I hope you continue to refine it since it isn't quite where it needs to be yet, but it's getting very close to it.
And now, for the moment you've been waiting for.
****** SPOILER ALERT!!! **********
1: First, a copyright and a WGA registration are two completely different things. You can have both, but based on what I gather from your script, it would be properly worded "WGA #...." While it is techinically coprighted, it is not copyrighted with the WGA, as they don't do copyright registrations; only the Library of Congress does.
2: That's a pretty extensive SUPER there. Do you plan on the ellipsis and everything being part of that? Frankly, it looks more like two SUPERS, not one. Or maybe one on top of the other.
Your transition to the forest is a bit rough. I had to check it a couple of times to realize we were no longer in the helicopter looking through binoculars to the ground. That can be more specific.
I understand the secondary heading being in the camp, but it doesn't read smoothly. For the second time in the first page, I am rereading to make sure I know what's going on. I know you're going for brevity in your writing, but don't lose the meaning while doing so.
3: Continued from previous scene, you imply that the militant is capable of looking down, but if I understand this right, the militant was hit in the neck. Again, you don't actually state where he was hit. Is the knife embedded in his neck or was he just cut there? I am gathering that "spews out from his neck" means that he was cut and the knife moved on without him. But what are we actually seeing here? Movies are a visual medium so nothing is implied. If it is supposed to appear on screen, state what we are to see.
These four militants: where are they? Are they on the truck? On the ground? You've got a great scene going on here. It's very cool and could open up the film really well. But you've left too much to the imagination. This is a movie. Nothing is left to the imagination.
4: I honestly can't see a Seal moving on of his own accord especially when he was given a direct order to hold his position. These aren't children in a horror movie. These are soldiers.
"Something crashes to the floor inside the wood house." What wood house? Ah, I see. He's in a house and it's made of wood. Got it.
5: Troy's guns fly to the ground. I'm gathering he drops them?
I backtracked to here once I figured this one out. I'm guessing O.C. is "Off Camera," but that's not the correct terminology. O.S. is used for someone being in the scene but not seen. While it is referred to as "Off Screen," it actually dates back to stage plays where the term means "Off Stage." O.C. is a bastardization of this term and I believe usable, but O.S. is the correct one.
6: The opening sequence ends. My overall take on this is that it's a very cool scene. It sets up your main character very well and has a lot of intrigue, actions, unanswered questions: everything a good first scene needs. The trouble is that the action paragraphs are incredibly confusing. I had to go back and forth while reading multiple times to pick up the pieces of what is going on. I know from your comments made on other scripts that you want everything to be as short and crisp as possible, but if you lose the meaning, it's just as bad as overwriting. Be careful cutting too much.
8/9: Whoops, got your dialogue and character divided.
11: I know these gangsters are incidental characters, but the 1, 2, 3 thing is a bit tired. You should give them names of some sort so they are more easily referenced. That's more of a personal preference, but names mean more than off-hand titles.
12: A gunfire rings out? No article on the gunfire.
The setup for Troy is a lot better than in the previous drafts. We actually get an idea of who he is now and where he came from. It's also nice to meet Sarah this early in the story and setup the friction between them. I like Troy's problem in that he is not afraid of being been, but more afraid of this Morbid guy from his past. So far, the descriptions here are far more understandable.
I got what you did with your original opening scene. Careful not to cut too much out. You may need to toss in some exposition to fill in some gaps that aren't clear. Since I remember the original version, I know why he's out there, but not everyone will.
12/13: Another character name/dialogue division.
13: You need to describe the inside of the security room.
13/14: You have a slug separated from its scene.
15: Kent switches channels, but he talks into a phone? When did he pick up the phone?
A black mask with a black tear? That's not going to show up very well. Why not a white tear? Actually, why a black mask? Mime's faces are white.
16: He grabs the phone and now it doesn't work, but it worked a second ago.
17: "His outside check point." I don't understand this line.
18: At the end of your original opening scene to setup the current issue, I question the need for it to be to this extent. After all, you already opened with an extensive scene showing Troy's ability. The intent here is to show someone with a similar ability. Since this scene is not opening the film, it runs a bit long. This sequence is 6 pages long, and its purpose is to a) show the facility was attacked and b) show off the Mime and his abilities. Originally, it was also there to open the film (necessitating a longer sequence) and intrigue the audience (which is done by Troy in the new opening scene. The scene needs to be further shortened to show the Mime, the similarities to Troy, and the attack on the facility. Probably half of it needs to go or it will drag the story.
19: Love the book title. Very amusing.
20: ASAP is an acronym, and needs to be capitalized in its entirety.
21/22: Dialogue is split between pages.
23: He teaches at _____. I'm guessing that's a placeholder until you figure out a name for the place?
23/24: This is an incredibly short scene to introduce two new characters. Either expand this scene here, or wait to introduce us to them when there's more time.
24: "Hall - Continuous" Secondary headings do not require time frames as it is understood that they occur at the same time (and general place) as the master slug for the scene.
25: I still find the "two reasons" bit to be a little pretentious. His first "reason" for bringing him there doesn't really make sense since he wouldn't have know that Marc was coming until Marc got there. Now, if I try and read between the lines a bit, I can gather that Arkon might have heard of Marc as Morbid's "apprentice" or whatever, and brought them both there on purpose, but as the butler didn't seem to know Marc was coming, that seems unlikely, though it would make more sense. It would require some exposition in the form of a quick chat between Morbid and Marc as they walk.
26: I will grant you the second scroll...not a detriment really, but it makes Morbid sound like he's in a video game.
27: Stahl's whole gay/look good line is silly.
29: Troy's comeback "I have no idea..." seems to refer to Zahn's line about the gift. Troy would know exactly what Zahn is talking about, and it seems he wouldn't want to insult Zahn's intelligence like that. I can see a comeback of some kind, but "I have no idea..." seems like a cheap throw away one to set up Zahn's next line. It could be much better. Even if it turns out that Troy's been keeping his skills a secret this whole time, Zahn knows him well from way back.
30: Why does Troy turn his wrist over?
31: Duncan's comment. Sexual harrassment, anyone?
33: Someone went to the difficulty of finding the # character for a text message, but actually typed out nine? # 9 would be how it would look. If the person were anal enough to type out nine, they'd go for number as well.
33/34: Another break of the character name and dialogue.
35: The girls just walk away? No reaction. No huffs or anything? You're sacrificing character and story for the sake of brevity here.
35/36: Slug line all by himself without his scene on the next page.
36: The description implies that the bouncer lets a Jamaican into the black van. Imagine my confusion when he walks up to said van and figure out he probably let the jamaican into the club.
36/37: Your dialogue is split across two pages.
39: Troy strikes with a hard combination... of what?
40/41: Another poor lonely slug at the bottom of the page.
46: I like the blood test. That's a good setup/payoff. Should be interesting to see how you play it out. You can see at this point, I'm down to pointing out your rogue sluglines, so the story is going real well right now.
One thing that is making me a bit crazy are a large number of really, really short scenes. 47 has one of these scenes. The only thing that happens is a doctor commenting on something getting worse with Zahn. That's it. No elaboration or anything. There were a few of these preceeding the scene with Kent in the hospital as well. These are like having incomplete sentences. Unless the scene expresses a complete thought, what it does express is better combined into a larger scene later.
47/48: disconnected character name from dialogue.
48: Here's a good reason to use names over descriptions. You now have cab driver two to distinguish from cab driver one, who I believe drove the cab with Troy. Why not name them? It'll give them from personality. The audience may never know the cabbie's name, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have one.
49: The conversation between Morbid and Rallins has some funky comma use. Should be: "We have evidence that he is the one." and "I'll take care of McCaine when it's done." No commas in either one.
Misuse of a word: "Troy LIES on his bed." For lays, it would be "Troy lays in bed."
I also notice you use O.S. on this page as opposed to the O.C. I prefer O.S., myself, but you do need to pick one. This is like my ok/okay indecision (which I plan on using a find and replace to correct).
51: Hm, 626 S. Elwood. I know Elwood is a street in Tulsa. In the highly annoying downtown area, no less. Anyone we know?
52/53: Another lonely slug.
53: Brown just tries to open the door. We don't get any kind of reaction first? Confusion? How the heck did someone get past me? Nothing?
58/59: Character name and dialogue separated.
59: I liked this sequence (53-59). It was well placed, fit with the overall feel of the story and action, and had a solid emotional end to it. Well done.
60: A force ejects Duncan and Ley out of the car. Need more here. Out of which part of the car? Where do they land? Are we to think they survive or not? Curiosities. Sure, a director could figure that out, but it's also nice to know the thoughts of the writer on that.
61: Seeing the last name of Sarah's mother again, I have to ask (since it's not stated elsewhere), were Troy and Johna divorced? Never married? Was she a women's power type of girl who never gave up her last name? Did she get remarried and take the new guy's last name or is she using her maiden name? What's the deal there? Is Sarah's last name Kneddric or Council? You think people don't wonder about these sorts of things, but these little things fill out one's character and past. Of course that leads to the question of what happened between them, etc. Maybe none of it will appear in the scrpt, but it's something you should know.
63/64: character name and dialogue separated.
64: We only get a piece of the monkey story flashback before another flashback? You might want to finish one story before beginning another...
66: Wha? So she is taken into a lab to practice her psi, which is known to be a very powerful thing that involves moving things around with your mind and such, and they put her next to dangerous chemicals? This sounds like a very contrived way to get her skin burned. Why not just have the collar electrocute her real bad? It's more believable.
70: Ok, we finish the monkey story. I feel like Hartley arriving at Hynek's place works before Sarah's flashback, but I don't think the monkey story should start until we can do the whole thing in one sitting.
You have a press conference labeled as a location. You don't tell where the location is nor do you describe the environment or atmosphere in any way. Little more info to get the feel of what's going on would be useful.
70/71: Got another dialogue break.
71: You have an action in a wryly. (brings hand to face) should be in an action paragraph of its own, not in a parenthetical.
71/72: Another dialogue break.
72: The wryly saying that Troy is being defensive is unnecessary. It is obvious he is being defensive.
72/73: Dialogue break again.
73: Typo: "You're loosen me" should be "you're losing me." Spell check won't catch that one.
73/74: Dialogue break.
74: This intercut was momentarily confusing. You'll have to write out each scene break as its own slugline as it travels from location to location. Otherwise, we'll get lost in the changes.
I'll also note this is a hell of a heady concept for a movie. Concepts like this are difficult to pull off in films, which is one thing that led to the utter failure of the original Ringu sequel entitled Rasen. You have been no where near as talky and complicated as that film was, but I caution you to keep it very simple. Go rent Rasen, though. It'll be a good illustration of a bad way to pull off a theoretical scientific concept in a film. Just be prepared to be mystified in both the good and bad ways. Moving on...
76: I don't think the flashback to Akron's masion is a true flashback. All we're doing is visiting this location as it is since we're looking at pictures.
76/77: Character name and dialogue split.
77: Hm, this is an interesting addition you've got going on here. I know it wasn't in the earlier drafts. Taking on the Da Vinci Code, huh? Seems a bit lofty, and all this chatter, while interesting, leads me to refer you to give Rasen a viewing to find out why it was dumped and Ringu 2 replaced it.
78: typo: "miss used" should be "misused"
"Hynek brings a figure." I don't understand this.
78/79: character name and dialogue split.
79: Ah, Sarah Council. This explains not only her last name, but the dramatic reason why it's different from Troy's. Apart from the drama, what's the life reason it's different?
80: Typo: "A force makes Stahl have his GUN at his own head." This is also a strangely worded sentence. This force is invisible, so just write what you can see.
82: So, we're going with the old MPD angle. Always a pleasure.
84: Looks like a typo since Stahl has not been established with this type of grammar: "Something up" should be "Something's up."
85: Camouflage? Are you referring to what the Army calls BDU's (Battle Dress Uniform) or what the Marines refer to as "cami's"? If you want to be general, just put "military camouflage uniform" or more easily, "fatigues." I am guessing that's what this is, but I'm also rather intuitive, and have seen pretty much everything.
86: Oh Lord, please don't have a guard say this... That's as bad as a guy rubbing his eyes after seeing something weird out a window...
Okay, you are aware of the term fatigues...
91: His body explodes? Flattened I can see, but explodes?
96: The Arkon's Study scene is a little odd. I don't really understand what happened there.
100: To clarify, though, I completely understand this Arkon scene.
100/101: Slug separated from its scene.
I glaced at Sry's comments above there, and I totally got the "Rice Crispies" line...that was funny.
That's it. Or that's what I got from my read through anyway. Hope it's of some assistance to you.
Too much backstory ruins the momentum. I think. I'd just like to go right to the mime after Troy's mission. I think you squeezed too much in a small amount of time, and seemed like it just moved too quickly. I'd like to see it revealed more gradually. You also might be making Sarah too obvious as the mime, and may be revealing too much about the gift too early. Like I said, I think it should be more gradual over time as it goes. I like more of an ora of mysticism around Sarah. I don't like knowing too much about her. And what's with the guy? I just kinda dig the "basket case" version of Sarah more then knowing all these things about her. Like being normal and having a boyfriend and all that. Because if you display her that way you run the risk of having people not buying that she could be capable of being the mime later, which is kinda how I feel about her right now since you humanize her and show her as an ordinary person too much. I don't wanna see her as a "normal" person, I just like her as the sad, broken up Sarah with the inner conflict. Like the last version, I thought that was just fine,except for these scenes I think you could cut. It's just my opinion, but I'd rather not know all this information, and get to the psi and action stuff. I'd rather see morbid leave troy for dead, Morbid get away and cut to the attack on Quantum Mechanics years later. The thug fight I still don't dig either.
pg 29 - The flashback with Zahn and Troy in the hospital, I don't think really works. Going from one conversation between Troy and Zahn to another ruins the momentum. We already get the feeling that these two know eachother, and there may be some bad blood.
I don't remember how much you hinted at Hynek in the last draft, but think you did a good job with it here. With playing it back on the tape recorder, and asking Troy who he is, Zahn referrencing the book, nice kinda mood of interest you created here. If it was in the last draft, I don't really remember, but it seems more pronounced in this one. Cuz the themes he talks about do deliver, so it's cool how you've planted the seeds here.
pg 41 - "Kent starts to black out..." - Uh oh, did I just catch a "starts to" in a JD script? Holy shit! Say it ain't so JD! No, just kidding. You probably just wanna put Kent blacks out though.
Lol good spot out! I changed it to Kent blacks out briefly!
I remember someone saying in past comments that it's too convenient for Troy to just look up an agent in the phone book. It really doesn't bother me all that much, but I can see how people would think it's convenient. Why not just have Hartley give Troy her number in case he thinks of any info, or gives him a card, or both, or Troy could even call her precinct and ask to talk to her.
Doesn't everyone who uses psi glow. We see everyone do that. But Troy already knows she has it, which doesn't make his saying "you have it too..." make much sense.
No, just like walking, if you 1st learn, you cant run just yet, and or sprint. I show this with Hynek.. she shows what he could do after 2 years doing it himsel.. just being able to move the paper under glass dome (psi wheel)
It's odd that sometimes you go from writing FBI and SWAT to F.B.I. and S.W.A.T. Maybe you should have more of a constant. Cuz you also tend to leave out periods here and there when you use them.
I will correct! And thanks for the typos point out! You spotted good ones.
"I don't have anymore cats" - Ha! And nice touch with the energy drink cans. And smoking three cigarettes. Nice details for Hynek, you created a good picture and personality for him.
Thanks, my hope was to make him qeir so the exposition come over more entertaining...was it?
pg 74 - "Jesus sits around his desciples" Maybe amongst would be better, or his desciples site around him. Unless J.C. was really fat, I don't think he could sit around his desciples.[/quote]
Done and some parts were improved, but I still feel like before that all you really need to do is cut a couple scenes. In the beginning which I mentioned, and the hospital scene between Troy and Zahn. And if you keep the car accident scene with Johna, which is kinda essential I guess, you should place that later, maybe when Sarah goes to the cemetary. And thus concludes my review.
Thanks again. I should have what is normal completed today
George: I will reply to yours soon! Late for work.
I read through the whole thing and have some commentary. I do have the occasional format issue, but who doesn't. A lot of my comment occur in the beginning and the middle, cause as the end approaches, the journey becomes quite a bit clearer. In fact, your final pages are quite well written.
Thanks, I do appreciate excellent feedback, negative or postive!
My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. It's not summer blockbuster material because it's too cerebral, but it's one of those that would work well in the early parts of the year before people stop thinking and just want mindless action and violence. I think it occasionally goes a bit too far off the deep end in the scientific super-babble of how things work and why, but it's not as bad as the original Ringu sequel called Rasen (which I do reference in here).
Thanks! If I get this script in tip top shape, Its going to be looked at by Joel Schumacher.
So you've done a great job on this script and its rewrites (this is the second full draft I've read). I hope you continue to refine it since it isn't quite where it needs to be yet, but it's getting very close to it.
Thank you and yes, I'm always continueing to enhance this story from feedback given.
1: First, a copyright and a WGA registration are two completely different things. You can have both, but based on what I gather from your script, it would be properly worded "WGA #...." While it is techinically coprighted, it is not copyrighted with the WGA, as they don't do copyright registrations; only the Library of Congress does.
I understand the secondary heading being in the camp, but it doesn't read smoothly. For the second time in the first page, I am rereading to make sure I know what's going on. I know you're going for brevity in your writing, but don't lose the meaning while doing so.
3: Continued from previous scene, you imply that the militant is capable of looking down, but if I understand this right, the militant was hit in the neck. Again, you don't actually state where he was hit. Is the knife embedded in his neck or was he just cut there? I am gathering that "spews out from his neck" means that he was cut and the knife moved on without him. But what are we actually seeing here? Movies are a visual medium so nothing is implied. If it is supposed to appear on screen, state what we are to see.
I backtracked to here once I figured this one out. I'm guessing O.C. is "Off Camera," but that's not the correct terminology. O.S. is used for someone being in the scene but not seen. While it is referred to as "Off Screen," it actually dates back to stage plays where the term means "Off Stage." O.C. is a bastardization of this term and I believe usable, but O.S. is the correct one.
Yes, off camera... O.S. to me means, person is not on scene by heard, Off camera to me means, on screen but not seen speaking the words, like their back to the camera
6: The opening sequence ends. My overall take on this is that it's a very cool scene. It sets up your main character very well and has a lot of intrigue, actions, unanswered questions: everything a good first scene needs. The trouble is that the action paragraphs are incredibly confusing. I had to go back and forth while reading multiple times to pick up the pieces of what is going on. I know from your comments made on other scripts that you want everything to be as short and crisp as possible, but if you lose the meaning, it's just as bad as overwriting. Be careful cutting too much.
Thanks, I hope i switched up the action enough so different things happen with each fight scene.
Cutting to much- I agree, i would like more, but my consultant says just suggest. He knows his stuff and is well connected ... he is the one that will give my script to Joel and guy who wrote flintstones and Houseguest
The setup for Troy is a lot better than in the previous drafts. We actually get an idea of who he is now and where he came from. It's also nice to meet Sarah this early in the story and setup the friction between them. I like Troy's problem in that he is not afraid of being been, but more afraid of this Morbid guy from his past. So far, the descriptions here are far more understandable.
Thanks for the comments on this. This is the feel I was hoping to get. Do you introducing Sarah here gives away to much?
I got what you did with your original opening scene. Careful not to cut too much out. You may need to toss in some exposition to fill in some gaps that aren't clear. Since I remember the original version, I know why he's out there, but not everyone will.
17: "His outside check point." I don't understand this line.
The mime was outside check point.. b4 shattering the glass door.
18: At the end of your original opening scene to setup the current issue, I question the need for it to be to this extent. After all, you already opened with an extensive scene showing Troy's ability. The intent here is to show someone with a similar ability. Since this scene is not opening the film, it runs a bit long. This sequence is 6 pages long, and its purpose is to a) show the facility was attacked and b) show off the Mime and his abilities. Originally, it was also there to open the film (necessitating a longer sequence) and intrigue the audience (which is done by Troy in the new opening scene. [/quote]
Actually this is to cast shadow over troy as the mime. The Mime uses like Troy at the beginning, but Troy didnt have the light at the beginning... morbid did... So this like you said sets up is it friend or foe? But it might run alil long...
46: I like the blood test. That's a good setup/payoff. Should be interesting to see how you play it out. You can see at this point, I'm down to pointing out your rogue sluglines, so the story is going real well right now.
One thing that is making me a bit crazy are a large number of really, really short scenes. 47 has one of these scenes. The only thing that happens is a doctor commenting on something getting worse with Zahn. That's it. No elaboration or anything. There were a few of these preceeding the scene with Kent in the hospital as well. These are like having incomplete sentences. Unless the scene expresses a complete thought, what it does express is better combined into a larger scene later.[quote]
I had more in these scenes but my consultant cut out stuff... so they must be legit, right?
[quote=Tubkas] 48: Here's a good reason to use names over descriptions. You now have cab driver two to distinguish from cab driver one, who I believe drove the cab with Troy. Why not name them? It'll give them from personality. The audience may never know the cabbie's name, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have one.
49: The conversation between Morbid and Rallins has some funky comma use. Should be: "We have evidence that he is the one." and "I'll take care of McCaine when it's done." No commas in either one.
I also notice you use O.S. on this page as opposed to the O.C. I prefer O.S., myself, but you do need to pick one. This is like my ok/okay indecision (which I plan on using a find and replace to correct).
I explained, my use of O.C. and O.S. above... its mean soemthing def, to me at least
59: I liked this sequence (53-59). It was well placed, fit with the overall feel of the story and action, and had a solid emotional end to it. Well done.
Thanks! Even tho you know who the mime was, with the add scenes at the beginning did you feel it will have more of a impact here when she is revealed?
60: A force ejects Duncan and Ley out of the car. Need more here. Out of which part of the car? Where do they land? Are we to think they survive or not? Curiosities. Sure, a director could figure that out, but it's also nice to know the thoughts of the writer on that.
I see what you are saying.. i had more here, yet again my consultant cut it out...'unecessary'
61: Seeing the last name of Sarah's mother again, I have to ask (since it's not stated elsewhere), were Troy and Johna divorced? Never married? Was she a women's power type of girl who never gave up her last name? Did she get remarried and take the new guy's last name or is she using her maiden name? What's the deal there? Is Sarah's last name Kneddric or Council? You think people don't wonder about these sorts of things, but these little things fill out one's character and past. Of course that leads to the question of what happened between them, etc. Maybe none of it will appear in the scrpt, but it's something you should know.
I had answered this in draft you read,.. duno if you rmember but.. Troy and her mother never married. Thus "loving mother" at the beginning intead of mother and wife... troy says "You mother was--" instead of referring to his as just She was... Different last names.... clues are there...hopefully it goes with out saying.
66: Wha? So she is taken into a lab to practice her psi, which is known to be a very powerful thing that involves moving things around with your mind and such, and they put her next to dangerous chemicals? This sounds like a very contrived way to get her skin burned. Why not just have the collar electrocute her real bad? It's more believable.
Mistakes happen... Zahn answers this later when he said " i've learned from my mistakes with Sarah, i must have it now"
70: Ok, we finish the monkey story. I feel like Hartley arriving at Hynek's place works before Sarah's flashback, but I don't think the monkey story should start until we can do the whole thing in one sitting.
Monkey story is very real too... it is used at a metaphor for humans by Hynek. Did i make it believable and entertaining to listen to?
I'll also note this is a hell of a heady concept for a movie. Concepts like this are difficult to pull off in films, which is one thing that led to the utter failure of the original Ringu sequel entitled Rasen. You have been no where near as talky and complicated as that film was, but I caution you to keep it very simple. Go rent Rasen, though. It'll be a good illustration of a bad way to pull off a theoretical scientific concept in a film. Just be prepared to be mystified in both the good and bad ways. Moving on...
76: I don't think the flashback to Akron's masion is a true flashback. All we're doing is visiting this location as it is since we're looking at pictures.
77: Hm, this is an interesting addition you've got going on here. I know it wasn't in the earlier drafts. Taking on the Da Vinci Code, huh? Seems a bit lofty, and all this chatter, while interesting, leads me to refer you to give Rasen a viewing to find out why it was dumped and Ringu 2 replaced it.
First, out of curiosity, who is your consultant? I ask because the world is ripe with people who believe they know everything about everything when they are only one more opinion in a sea of them. You mentioned multiple times that the consultant cut out a lot of stuff that I, personally, would want to see. Granted that I'm no pro at this time, but I did read your script while trying to watch the movie in my head, and I had trouble here and there. I know the director has latitude, but he uses the script as the blueprint to the film he creates.
This is akin to the architect merely drawing the plans but letting the builder figure out were to put some of the pieces he doesn't feel the need to draw. What happens if the architect leaves out some info here and there and just lets the builder fill in the blanks for him? Sure, a good builder will understand the need for a window here and a light there, and maybe the architect doesn't mind letting the vision get a little fuzzy. After all, he's a good builder, and he knows wht he's doing. But now who's fault is it that the second upstairs bedroom doesn't have a window? It wasn't on the plans, and the architect assumed the builder would know well enough to put a window somewhere in that room. Hey, it only makes sense right? And what is there's no light in the kitchen?
I point out minor things within the script that I, personally, think are missing, and if your consultant feels that the target audience (Joel Schumacher?) doesn't need it, that's fine. Like I said, it's another opinion in an ocean full of them.
The heady concept... This means that the information given to explain why EVERYTHING happens is a lot to take in. Not only is there a plethora of information, but some of it is difficult to accept. Does it make sense? Sure, but seances make sense in certain veins as well, but this doesn't mean I was floored by Amityville 3-D. Rasen is really a good example of an explanation too big for the britches of a movie. Imagine getting a big explanation as to why the video kills, why a diary kills, but it doesn't kill, it just rewrites the DNA of the watcher/reader and Sadako wants everyone to see it so everyone gets rewritten and she can live forever...or something. It's a lot more confusing than that. Just be careful not to overkill the explanation. Only tell wat is absolutely necessary for understanding.
Ok, why name stock characters? Why not? How much time will it take to change the name from Cab Driver One to Jerry? This means the actor won't be telling his friends he played cab driver one. No, he played Jerry. You know, the cab driver. It lends a little character to a character who has none. I always go for first and last names, but people complain about that for some reason. I figure if I have a name, why shouldn't everyone? Basically, there's no reason not to.
I caught some of the earlier setups that paid off later. Yeah.
As for the breaks of slugs and dialogue, it just looks lazy. I write most of my scripts in Word, and bfore converting to pdf, I go through every single page looking for improper breaks. Your excuse is merely that. If you're going to present it, make it presentable. Details are what makes a good writer even better.
I do get the mask thing after the light shines from her. I'm gathering that you're using black to offset the eventual light that comes out. But the non-lit mask will just be difficult to make out. I suspect you're trying to avoid that V For Vendetta comparison...
Sarcasm or serious on the wood house thing? It was partly sarcastic, but partly that you said he was in a house in the slug, and then specified later in the scene that it is a wood house, but did it in the midst of action, so it threw me off.
First, out of curiosity, who is your consultant? I ask because the world is ripe with people who believe they know everything about everything when they are only one more opinion in a sea of them. You mentioned multiple times that the consultant cut out a lot of stuff that I, personally, would want to see. Granted that I'm no pro at this time, but I did read your script while trying to watch the movie in my head, and I had trouble here and there. I know the director has latitude, but he uses the script as the blueprint to the film he creates.
Kevin MaHoney, he is well connected. You can google him. He used to teach film and script for OU.
If you PM me your number we can meet up and I can show you what he does (at least to my script)
The heady concept... This means that the information given to explain why EVERYTHING happens is a lot to take in. Not only is there a plethora of information, but some of it is difficult to accept. Does it make sense? Sure, but seances make sense in certain veins as well, but this doesn't mean I was floored by Amityville 3-D. Rasen is really a good example of an explanation too big for the britches of a movie. Imagine getting a big explanation as to why the video kills, why a diary kills, but it doesn't kill, it just rewrites the DNA of the watcher/reader and Sadako wants everyone to see it so everyone gets rewritten and she can live forever...or something. It's a lot more confusing than that. Just be careful not to overkill the explanation. Only tell wat is absolutely necessary for understanding.
Ok, why name stock characters? Why not? How much time will it take to change the name from Cab Driver One to Jerry? This means the actor won't be telling his friends he played cab driver one. No, he played Jerry. You know, the cab driver. It lends a little character to a character who has none. I always go for first and last names, but people complain about that for some reason. I figure if I have a name, why shouldn't everyone? Basically, there's no reason not to.
Watch credits on movies.. stock characters are not given names, cuz names ahve to be given to know who they are in dialog. When know who ar are in stock haracter by what the do or represent.
As for the breaks of slugs and dialogue, it just looks lazy. I write most of my scripts in Word, and bfore converting to pdf, I go through every single page looking for improper breaks. Your excuse is merely that. If you're going to present it, make it presentable. Details are what makes a good writer even better.
Hell yea it lazy... im not going thru and changes the whole script just so i dont have break in name and dialog for SS readers, Do you know how many times i update this thing? LOl alot. Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft and you will see what I mean. Even doggle be does this in druid's guide.
I do get the mask thing after the light shines from her. I'm gathering that you're using black to offset the eventual light that comes out. But the non-lit mask will just be difficult to make out. I suspect you're trying to avoid that V For Vendetta comparison...
Yep, I had to adjust it to loose the connection...
Sarcasm or serious on the wood house thing? It was partly sarcastic, but partly that you said he was in a house in the slug, and then specified later in the scene that it is a wood house, but did it in the midst of action, so it threw me off.
Watch credits on movies.. stock characters are not given names, cuz names ahve to be given to know who they are in dialog. When know who ar are in stock haracter by what the do or represent.
Hey, watching movies is what I do more of than anything else. I watched a whopping nine films over the last weekend (that I had not seen previously -- well I've seen Alien 3 before, but not with the extra 45 minutes of footage), so I'm quite familiar with a lot of conventions. However, what I'm referring to is a bit of attention to detail. No, it's not necessary, but really, there's not any reason not to.
Hell yea it lazy... im not going thru and changes the whole script just so i dont have break in name and dialog for SS readers, Do you know how many times i update this thing? LOl alot. Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft and you will see what I mean. Even doggle be does this in druid's guide.
If Dogglebe jumped off a bridge, would you follow? All but 2 of the scripts I have on SimplyScripts (except the Guardians ones, I think) were written in Word and converted to pdf. I have updated them quite a few times over the time they've been on here, and every time I go through the script prior to posting to page break it properly. Like I said, it's an attention to detail thing, and without it, you just look sloppy.
I looked on IMDB for Kevin Mahoney, and while there are four people with that name, each only has one movie credit, and none are for screenwriting. I am always leery of those who claim authority on a topic they have never actually accomplished, especially one as widespread, yet difficult to achieve, as screenwriting. If this is the case with him, I am just as much an authority as he is. I watch a couple hundred films a year, have written over 60 scripts, can see through the fog of even the worst of scripts here to view their potential and make suggestions for improvement regardless of how crappy the format is, and I've read quite a bit on the necessities of format, terminology, etc. There's a reason I was allowed the privilege of moderating the Screenwriting Class, and that has to do with the kind of information I had been giving out around here prior to getting that. The guy before me WAS produced. He has 8 writing credits on IMDB. That counts a lot more in my mind than any degree or teaching post. The way to become an expert in anything is doing it a lot.
Now, apart from our difference in opinion in regards to how much description of this or that you should have, it looks like he has helped you out a lot in tightening this script down. It is definitely one of the better written scripts on here. Of course, I wish you the best of luck with it.
All but 2 of the scripts I have on SimplyScripts (except the Guardians ones, I think) were written in Word and converted to pdf. I have updated them quite a few times over the time they've been on here, and every time I go through the script prior to posting to page break it properly. Like I said, it's an attention to detail thing, and without it, you just look sloppy.
You missed what I said about this, I SAID " Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft " Meaning, I wrote the script in final draft. Save as rft, then doc the rtf file and then pdf the doc.
Once you convert a final draft file t rtf, you lose a page, becuz the dialog and pages break down transfer over
I looked on IMDB for Kevin Mahoney, and while there are four people with that name, each only has one movie credit, and none are for screenwriting. I am always leery of those who claim authority on a topic they have never actually accomplished, especially one as widespread, yet difficult to achieve, as screenwriting. If this is the case with him, I am just as much an authority as he is.
I said to google him and you will see his credit, which are not on imdb
While again, you could be very right. I will see the extent of his connections, within a few weeks, because he is supose to forward my script to his friends. Here are some quotes to what he told me last week.
"]I want to get your script in top condition so I can give it to Mike (Michael J. Di Gaetano). If he likes it he will give it to Joel Silverman, who specializes in special effects laden films. They are good friends and have done a few pics together. I am also thinking about Shane Black, one of my USC students[/b
"[b]That is ok. I may go ahead and read, but a clean copy is good for Mike. He has written for TV for a long time and wrote Houseguest, the Flintstones, etc. He is on the Paramount lot with a production deal. He and I used to write together and he is a great friend. If the script is in tip-top shape I will also forward to Joel Schumacher, whom I have worked with in the past. He is good at the sci-fi-fiction scripts. He is a director.
I'll been working with him since august of 06, he told me at the 1st beginning he had contacts and woudl forward to them once he approved my script. 8 months later.. he is doing it. Of course he could just be blowing smoke up my ass but I will see.
I watch a couple hundred films a year, have written over 60 scripts, can see through the fog of even the worst of scripts here to view their potential and make suggestions for improvement regardless of how crappy the format is, and I've read quite a bit on the necessities of format, terminology, etc. There's a reason I was allowed the privilege of moderating the Screenwriting Class, and that has to do with the kind of information I had been giving out around here prior to getting that. The guy before me WAS produced. He has 8 writing credits on IMDB. That counts a lot more in my mind than any degree or teaching post. The way to become an expert in anything is doing it a lot.
Now, apart from our difference in opinion in regards to how much description of this or that you should have, it looks like he has helped you out a lot in tightening this script down. It is definitely one of the better written scripts on here. Of course, I wish you the best of luck with it.
Yep very true, again I would like to show you sometime in person! Thanks and wish luck on your projects aswell my friend.
You missed what I said about this, I SAID " Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft " Meaning, I wrote the script in final draft. Save as rft, then doc the rtf file and then pdf the doc.
Once you convert a final draft file t rtf, you lose a page, becuz the dialog and pages break down transfer over
I actually have Final Draft, and I guess what's throwing me off there is why you'd convert to rtf before saving as a pdf anyway. Final Draft has a save as pdf function.
I hope your connections through him work out. It's nice to see someone get somewhere in tis business.
And thanks for the compliment. I do what I can around here.
You've gotten alot of feedback since I last posted my review. Hopefully none of this feels too redundant. I'll try to focus my review on the changes you've made. It has been a little while since I read your previous draft so my memory might be a bit hazy in spots but I'll do my best.
Here goes:
I like how you've rearranged the sequence of events at the beginning of your story. If I recall correctly you've introduced your main character (Troy) a little earlier than before - either that or you've condensed things - I'm not too sure which. Either way, I think this is a good idea since it establishes an emotional link right away with the audience.
I see you've played up the religeous angle quite a bit more in this one. Adding a spiritual explanation to his ability is a unique aspect of your script that, as far as I know, has never been done before. On this topic - I might lose the DaVinci Code reference; I've always found referencing other movies to be a bit cheesey. This is a personal thing though.
I think the religeous aspect ties in well with the main arc of your story which, of course, is Troy. He lost his wife, his daughter is estranged and he's searching for meaning in his life as he grapples with this newfound ability and his place in the world. Perhaps you could add a scene at the end that somehow ties this all together. Somehow convey that Troy has embraced his newfound powers and has accepted his fate - a sense of ordained purpose now. I think this is what you were hinting at.
I mentioned in my original post that I liked the element of shielding you introduced as a way to combat the psi. It makes our superhero, and in this case villian as well, vulnerable. Since you introduced it, why not have it come into play at some point. It feels like an opportunity missed. Hartley knows how to defend herself now. At some point she should be called upon to use it.
I was a little unclear about the intentions of the car crash with the abulence that burst into flames. Was this just a random accident? How does it tie into the story? Perhaps you could clarify this.
As well, I'm a little unclear about Sarah's motivation. If she's the mime then why was she breaking into the lab at the beginning (I'm guessing to erase the past?) I take it she's possessed - but why and how did this happen?
Your writing style is very concise and efficient although there are a fair number of story elements you're juggling here (spirituality, science fact and fiction, posession to name a few). In truth it made it a little difficult - not necessarily to follow but to piece everything together.
This leads me to my point that there may be one too many villians introduced in your story. Morbid seems like a henchman and Zahn is a bit of a mad scientist who has his own selfish interests. In fact he doesn't seem to have any ties to Arkon at all who, I assume, is the one pulling the strings.
File this under suggestion but..
It might be beneficial to turn Zahn into an allie of Troy. Perhaps they had a falling out but he's seen the light now and wants to help make things right. He can be a sort of spiritual guide. Again - just an idea but there are a fair number of baddies coming at Troy from several different directions it seems. Really for the story to be linear, the opposition should come from the same, single source.
Onto your action descriptions. I think they're very concise and effecient to a fault. You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. While I tend to be too long-winded, you offer us the bare-bones which in theory is what a spec script should do but I just think it would read smoother if you let your personality shine through a little more. Throw in the odd word or sentence every now and again just because it sounds good. You don't have to take any of this to heart but maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as you write.
To me the most interesting aspects of your script were the parts dealing with the scientific and spiritual explanation for Troy's power. This challenges the viewer and brings him into the story. Overall I think this new draft is an improvement but like I said there is alot going on with your story. It's very ambitious and at times it threatens to get ahead of itself.
Hope this helps.
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
I've been noticing that you've redrafted this work a couple of times. I didn't have time before to read this as a result of school but since I have a week vacation which has started now I'm planning to dedicate time on this. So, hear are some comments:
I've read a good somewhat 20 pgs of this work and I really like what you have done with this. Your story development is good. It's very consistent for the most part. The only problems I see is Morbid and Marc, Morbid's companion. Morbid is intelligent enough to wipe out a team of marines hidden in the forest at the beginning, yet he allows his companion to die by not realizing that Marc is not to be allowed in Arkon's place. I understand that Marc is used as a device to show Arkon's power but it questions Morbid's intelligence, something that after reading a few pages, is quite up their along with Arkon. He doesn't seem to be a guy to commit that simple mistake.
Another problem I had was the whole "Quantum Mechanics" sequence. You repeat that slugline alot even when the action takes place inside the facility but just in a different part of the facility. Why don't you try using second headings for the scenes that take place in different parts of the facilities?
Another one is at the first page of the script, you repeat Troy three times in the beginning of your sentences. I suggest you vary that part by using "he". You could use the name Troy but just don't repeat it again and again. Give some space in between.
This is all I came up with. More will come later.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
I like how you've rearranged the sequence of events at the beginning of your story. If I recall correctly you've introduced your main character (Troy) a little earlier than before - either that or you've condensed things - I'm not too sure which. Either way, I think this is a good idea since it establishes an emotional link right away with the audience.
Thanks. Yea I have changed the beginning so many times. I think i might have gotten it right this time.
Did you feel introducing Sarah at the beginning helped for emotional impacted when revealed? On that note introducing her at the beginning make her easy pick for who is the "mime"
I see you've played up the religeous angle quite a bit more in this one. Adding a spiritual explanation to his ability is a unique aspect of your script that, as far as I know, has never been done before. On this topic - I might lose the DaVinci Code reference; I've always found referencing other movies to be a bit cheesey. This is a personal thing though.
Thank you for taking notice. The theory is all mine and my imagination. I think it is possible how I strung it all together.
Did you feel it would make you believe in its possibilties?
I think the religeous aspect ties in well with the main arc of your story which, of course, is Troy. He lost his wife, his daughter is estranged and he's searching for meaning in his life as he grapples with this newfound ability and his place in the world. Perhaps you could add a scene at the end that somehow ties this all together. Somehow convey that Troy has embraced his newfound powers and has accepted his fate - a sense of ordained purpose now. I think this is what you were hinting at.
I glad this came across more, then my previous drafts. I was hurdled by not making th read char more for Troy. I think I cleared it up.
I mentioned in my original post that I liked the element of shielding you introduced as a way to combat the psi. It makes our superhero, and in this case villian as well, vulnerable. Since you introduced it, why not have it come into play at some point. It feels like an opportunity missed. Hartley knows how to defend herself now. At some point she should be called upon to use it.
i understand where you are coming from. but they really isnt any clear way for me to state this to be scene. I do it with dr zahn when the gun flies understand his chin. But since it cant be actually seen one someone is shielding. I would have to state it in dialog.
And when Mime vs Troy vs Morbid none can do direct "psi attack" to eithers body.
I was a little unclear about the intentions of the car crash with the abulence that burst into flames. Was this just a random accident? How does it tie into the story? Perhaps you could clarify this.
This is a hint at Sarah escape. The body bags burn to ashes. They just give her a headstone and assume her body burned in the crash.
None is this is stated, you just assume by the situation and then confiirmed when Sarah ressurects in the ambulance. There are hints there that she escaped.. you would have to be real clever to spot.
I state earlier when sarah rescues Troy from duncan and Ley in the car, a force ejects them from the car. Thus not killing them. The cop at the ambulance accident scenes states in dialog. "the drivers wereejected, and we got them before the explosions" He tells this to Stahl.
As well, I'm a little unclear about Sarah's motivation. If she's the mime then why was she breaking into the lab at the beginning (I'm guessing to erase the past?) I take it she's possessed - but why and how did this happen?
One thing. She isnt possessed. She had split personality. This happen becuz of the drug induced to her during the holding room. The freak accident awakened the depression and power she made herself forget , she didnt want it(stated at the confession)
Since there is only a voice talking to her that she remembers. She breaks into the Quantum Mechanics to get the file. After she reads it. She finds out who did it to her which was Zahn.
Your writing style is very concise and efficient although there are a fair number of story elements you're juggling here (spirituality, science fact and fiction, posession to name a few). In truth it made it a little difficult - not necessarily to follow but to piece everything together.
Thanks. I'm glad you took notice to the elements I have involved here. All correct but the posession
This leads me to my point that there may be one too many villians introduced in your story. Morbid seems like a henchman and Zahn is a bit of a mad scientist who has his own selfish interests. In fact he doesn't seem to have any ties to Arkon at all who, I assume, is the one pulling the strings.
I guess this is a personal favorite for me. When a movies hero, has alot of different forces working against him/her and has to over come he bombardment of obstacles.
It might be beneficial to turn Zahn into an allie of Troy. Perhaps they had a falling out but he's seen the light now and wants to help make things right. He can be a sort of spiritual guide. Again - just an idea but there are a fair number of baddies coming at Troy from several different directions it seems. Really for the story to be linear, the opposition should come from the same, single source.
Noted.. Ill ask them among other feedback reviewers
Onto your action descriptions. I think they're very concise and effecient to a fault. You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. While I tend to be too long-winded, you offer us the bare-bones which in theory is what a spec script should do but I just think it would read smoother if you let your personality shine through a little more. Throw in the odd word or sentence every now and again just because it sounds good. You don't have to take any of this to heart but maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as you write.
Oh, no. It is okay. I understand what you mean. trust me i did at one time have more to it. But When I sent off my draft to my consultant, alot of my adds are removed... deemed unecessary. So We'll see.
To me the most interesting aspects of your script were the parts dealing with the scientific and spiritual explanation for Troy's power. This challenges the viewer and brings him into the story. Overall I think this new draft is an improvement but like I said there is alot going on with your story. It's very ambitious and at times it threatens to get ahead of itself.
Hope this helps.
Great, I hope you enjoyed much more then b4 and was everything else clear to you?
Pages: 
Author
Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)
, skinny with glasses and frizzy hair. MATT (1
No, just kidding. You probably just wanna put Kent blacks out though.
Logged
All but 2 of the scripts I have on SimplyScripts (except the Guardians ones, I think) were written in Word and converted to pdf. I have updated them quite a few times over the time they've been on here, and every time I go through the script prior to posting to page break it properly. Like I said, it's an attention to detail thing, and without it, you just look sloppy.
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