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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 34827 views)
darthbrion
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey just finished 'T.K' and I found it to be a fun read.

Are there problems?  Sure, but they all seem to have been addressed (some typos, a cliche character here and there etc.) so why repeat what they've already said?

I enjoyed the script and I liked how your nice twist at the end.  Without giving anything anyway you could easily do another chapter in this story.

Good job man.
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JD_OK
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for feed back!   But what about the plot of the story? Did you also feel Hartley shouldnt have let troy over to her house?

Did You see the mime reasoning info what what happens, or did it fall flat?

Did you see any twist coming?

I only ask cuz im about to rewite the story for a 2nd draft, Im cleaning house hehe


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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darthbrion
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Really about the only twist I suspected was the one at the very end.    
But hey, it's an action flick I wouldn't expect any less.

I liked the plot, I agree with some of the others than a few scenes could have been cut out to both shorten the film and make it tighter.

I had no problems with the mime info.

Once you get up a 2nd draft I'd be happy to look at it.

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tonkatough
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 12:51am Report to Moderator
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"TK- 421. Why aren't you at your post?"

Sorry but I just had to do that. couldn't help myself.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. oh yeah, I've started reading your script. will post a review very soon.


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JD_OK
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 1:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
"TK- 421. Why aren't you at your post?"

Sorry but I just had to do that. couldn't help myself.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. oh yeah, I've started reading your script. will post a review very soon.


K, i will review up soon aswell. Yea, I have already changed that line in y new draft hehe.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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tonkatough
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I read about 60 pages of you script but had to stop. I was totally bored with your story. Sorry,

You are a very capable writer, the format is perfect. You can write a script. The problem lies in the idea. It feels like when you create a story you just channel  every movie and TV show you have seen and grab bits and chuck them in your story. You have a guy with psi TK powers which is cool, but you do nothing with it. You introduce Maulder and Scully, You have a case of misktaken identity. Once this is all established you have a dull scene in a bar that turns into a brawl with psi power than you have another boring scene with troy at Scully house, meet her little child.  and that's half of your script.

Once again like your X-men script you have another missed oportunity.

Why have FBI agents when you could have Psi soliders or something hunting down
Troy.

Stories have been done before with mind powers and much better and more inventive than what you have done. Have ever read the Akira graphic novels? That's what I am talking about.

There are a lot of amazing unproduced scripts to read on this website. If you want your work to stand out I suggest you put more effort into the creation of you story. Think long and hard, daydream and come up with ideas that are dynamic and imaginative and resonat with your own writer's voice. Don't settle for mediocre.
  


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JD_OK
Posted: October 10th, 2006, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
I read about 60 pages of you script but had to stop. I was totally bored with your story. Sorry,

You are a very capable writer, the format is perfect. You can write a script. The problem lies in the idea. It feels like when you create a story you just channel  every movie and TV show you have seen and grab bits and chuck them in your story. You have a guy with psi TK powers which is cool, but you do nothing with it. You introduce Maulder and Scully, You have a case of misktaken identity. Once this is all established you have a dull scene in a bar that turns into a brawl with psi power than you have another boring scene with troy at Scully house, meet her little child.  and that's half of your script.

Once again like your X-men script you have another missed oportunity.

Why have FBI agents when you could have Psi soliders or something hunting down
Troy.

Stories have been done before with mind powers and much better and more inventive than what you have done. Have ever read the Akira graphic novels? That's what I am talking about.

There are a lot of amazing unproduced scripts to read on this website. If you want your work to stand out I suggest you put more effort into the creation of you story. Think long and hard, daydream and come up with ideas that are dynamic and imaginative and resonat with your own writer's voice. Don't settle for mediocre.
  



I know what you mean by the dullness in some scenes, Im in process of tighing up the dialogue, and trimming fat to get to action scenes.

But I honestly did not mold any characters from any TV/movie, I know they r cliche,, but I have since corrected with my next draft that Im finishning. Thank you!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  October 10th, 2006, 12:33pm
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tonkatough
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It is obvious that you did not intentionally copy concepts and characters from TV or movies. But maybe from a sub conscious level when you are being creative and building your ideas into a story you may be tapping into your memory of Favourite movies and TV shows rather than your imagination. I don't know.

I really believe you can write a story, but you need to put a bit more effort into shaping your ideas for a story.

I called your two agents Maulder and Scully because that is who they reminded me of.  When X-files was a big success everyone started aping the maulder/Scully concept and spooky shows where popping up everywhere with a male/female partner agent. This has now stuck. Law & Order and many crime shows seem to have a male/female partnership.

So if it is so common and unoriginal now why did you put it in your script? Why didn't take it one step further and consider say, two female partners. Or why does a FBI agent have to have a partner at all? In Twin Peaks Agent Cooper mostly worked alone. Why not have one female FBI agent. One that is over fifty, who loves the feel of snake skin and asks everyone to feel her cobra skin wallet that her husband gave to her as an annivery present.

The possibilites are endless. But the point I am trying to make is that just don't settle for the first thing that jumps into your mind. You mention you understood what I mean by the dullness of the scenes. This problem should of been sorted out long before you even started writing your script. Tweeking dialouge or trimming fat will change nothing.

You are a good writer but your dry ideas and plots are letting you down.

So the next script you do, spend a bit more time creating your characters and ideas.  Flex your imagination and have fun being inventive.

Do that and I bet you'll write a great script.

Oh and make sure you post it on this site so I can have a read.
  


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JD_OK
Posted: October 31st, 2006, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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*****UPDATE*****

Revision posted. Its 94 pages. This 2nd draft should make a better story!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  November 20th, 2006, 3:42am
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TAnthony
Posted: November 10th, 2006, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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You have a lot of cool action scenes and a pretty good script. You just need to lengthen it a little more and stay away from as many clichés as you can. Your script is really only 83 pages since Fade Out, is the only thing on the last page.

SPOILERS--------------------------------


Characters
The whole mime mask thing is a good idea, but I think it’s a little too reminiscent of V from V for Vendetta.
-There are a lot of characters and I often forgot who was who and what they did and why they did it. Especially in the beginning parts I was thinking to myself who is that guy again?
-More and more characters are getting thrown in; you need to see if you can delete a few of them.

Format
-Your actions and descriptions are very clear and precise.
-You should try your best to keep dialogue five lines or under.
-Rallins speech on page 14 is WAY too long. That much exposition on Troy will lose a reader.
-Your script goes by really fast. It’ll be really short on screen, because there are a lot of really short one liner action lines.
-You need to state when the flashbacks begin and when they end. When you don’t do that it gets confusing.
-Just a very small amount of spelling errors or spacing.

Cool
-That was a really cool scene when Troy shields himself from the bullets.
-You’ve done exceptionally well on describing the telekinetic or “psi” powers.
-Nice ending.

Cliche
-Troy being a teacher is maybe a little too cliché. Indiana Jones, the Beast. Maybe something different would be better.
-On page 14, when Troy says “lemme guess you’re the nice partner” that has been said too many times in movies.

Story
You have a great intro to start off your script, but in my opinion it lasts way too long. The suspense was great, but it just ran on too long.

I can’t quite pin-point what I want to say about your story overall. I think that this kind of script has just been done too many times. Whenever you have F.B.I agents hunting someone down, you’ve got to make it creative as hell, because we’ve all seen the agency movies where there’s a real hard ass law enforcer, and they have to get permission to do things from other higher ups on the food chain.

And it would be a good idea if you found any other way for Troy to get his powers. The reason you have is pretty trite.

And the big bad guy being a doctor should probably be changed. Too many baddies with Doctor before their name.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
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JD_OK
Posted: November 11th, 2006, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TAnthony
You have a lot of cool action scenes and a pretty good script. You just need to lengthen it a little more and stay away from as many clich�s as you can. Your script is really only 83 pages since Fade Out, is the only thing on the last page.


Hey man, You really surprised me. I thought you would never read it. And I will diffeniately look at your sequel to loud and nasty.

Cliche's, you are spot on. Its so hard to peel those things out of my mind, but yes. I'm reworking with some ideas. I said 86 pages but I 4got I didnt update the script with the new ending.


Quoted from TAnthony

Characters
The whole mime mask thing is a good idea, but I think it�s a little too reminiscent of V from V for Vendetta.


I know I'm going to be compared just alil to V, but I swear I started with the idea b4 I even heard of V. here is  bigger pic of exactly how "the mime" mask looks, that my friend created for me

http://www.edabal.com/tk.htm

As you can see it doesn't  reseamable any known movie mask.



Quoted from TAnthony
-There are a lot of characters and I often forgot who was who and what they did and why they did it. Especially in the beginning parts I was thinking to myself who is that guy again?
-More and more characters are getting thrown in; you need to see if you can delete a few of them.


Yes, I need to focus more on the main characters.


Quoted from TAnthony
Format
-Your actions and descriptions are very clear and precise.
-You should try your best to keep dialogue five lines or under.
-Rallins speech on page 14 is WAY too long. That much exposition on Troy will lose a reader.


Thank you. I hear what you are saying about his speech. I will get to the basics exposition on that one.



Quoted from TAnthony
-Your script goes by really fast. It�ll be really short on screen, because there are a lot of really short one liner action lines.
-You need to state when the flashbacks begin and when they end. When you don�t do that it gets confusing.
-Just a very small amount of spelling errors or spacing.


Hmm I thought I labelled the flash backs, maybe I missed a couple. I will check that out asap.

Yea it does go back to quick, and my consultgave me some ideas on how to beef it up and I in process of writing on touching more on who "Arkon" is and why they will come for them


Quoted from TAnthony

Cool
-That was a really cool scene when Troy shields himself from the bullets.
-You�ve done exceptionally well on describing the telekinetic or �psi� powers.
-Nice ending.


Thanks again, I have been working on this particular script for year and a half and spent alot of money to develop it with my writing skills.

I'm really glad you were able to understand the world I bring.


Quoted from TAnthony

Cliche
-Troy being a teacher is maybe a little too clich�. Indiana Jones, the Beast. Maybe something different would be better.
-On page 14, when Troy says �lemme guess you�re the nice partner� that has been said too many times in movies.


"let me guess" You are right, but what i did with it was, He is calling stahl the nice partner, not hartley which really is the nice partner, he is being a smart ass to him with the cliche remark.



Quoted from TAnthony

Story
[quote=TAnthony]You have a great intro to start off your script, but in my opinion it lasts way too long. The suspense was great, but it just ran on too long.


I see where you are coming from, I will edit that if my add if my revision of this 2nd draft runs to long, cuz correctly to short lol.


Quoted from TAnthony
I can�t quite pin-point what I want to say about your story overall. I think that this kind of script has just been done too many times.


Not like this, this isn't a regualr telenkentic/super hero movie. This "Psi" is based on real study.  This story is a R movie, blood, body exploding and murder. The revision will stand out of any other "powers" movie. (hopefully)


Quoted from TAnthony
Whenever you have F.B.I agents hunting someone down, you�ve got to make it creative as hell, because we�ve all seen the agency movies where there�s a real hard ass law enforcer, and they have to get permission to do things from other higher ups on the food chain.


Very Good point, My consultant told me the same. The FBI needs to DO LEG WORK to discover these things, not just computers. I will be adding this.


Quoted from TAnthony
And it would be a good idea if you found any other way for Troy to get his powers. The reason you have is pretty trite.


He is born knowing how. but in this 2nd draft I don't state how he has it or how the other has it.  But I will hint on it in the revision. Good point out tho.

Thanks again for in depth review, I will return the same courtesy. Give me couple weeks and I'll have review up on down and dirty.


Also, was any of the twists surprising to you?

Anything sad?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  November 11th, 2006, 4:12pm
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TAnthony
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Quoted from JD_OK

Also, was any of the twists surprising to you?

Anything sad?


SPOILERS------------


I kind of knew that Sarah was still alive, but other than that good twists.

But I don't feel that this script was sad at any time. I just don't think this kind of script can make a reader get sad, thrilled yeah, but not sad.

Thanks.



"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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JD_OK
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TAnthony


SPOILERS------------


I kind of knew that Sarah was still alive, but other than that good twists.

But I don't feel that this script was sad at any time. I just don't think this kind of script can make a reader get sad, thrilled yeah, but not sad.

Thanks.



appreciate the feed back!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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guyjackson
Posted: November 20th, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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First off I do not ever recall me ever promising to read this script.  If I did, then I aplogize for forgetting but I just don't remember it.  Anyway I've finished reading and this is my review.

First things first.  I really hope English is your second language because some of the grammatical syntax you had in this script was almost unreadable.  I had to reread several scenes over and over again so I could try and decode what was going on.  You have way to many indefinate articles missing (you would have written "what you know about S.R?"  when it should be "what do you know about S.R.?")  I understand some dialogue can be written with "slang" incorporated but I don't think FBI agents talk like that.  So that had a real hidrance on my opinon for your script.

However, this is probsbly one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.  Telekenetics always facinates me, especially when it is used in present day stories as compared to Sci-Fi stories.  The action sequences seemed pretty well written in the beginning, but at the end they were terribly bland.  I don't know if you just got tired of writing but you just started puting "they fight, sparks fly, etc.".

I think one of you strenghts was your incorporation of flashback.  Every flashback scene was well placed and served a way better purpose as opposed to someone just saying it with dialogue.  I applaud you there.

The characters were a little too two dimensional for my tastes.  The only character I really attached to was Sarah.  SHe seemed to have the most history and emotion in the script and read fantastic.  Your military personel and FBI agents were just words to me.  Troy was okay in some parts but he seemed to be torn between too many archetypes like the wise cracking man to the emotional father.  It just seemed a bit much.

The dialouge again was faulted with improper English.  I could get most of the lines but other times it was just out there.  You had some really corny lines such as the "Tell yourslef you won't let negative energy affect you", considering that had no conncection to any other scene later in the story.  Every scene needs to count in a screenplay.  Even the boring telephone conversations and car rides.  Don't just put filler in.  There's no need for it.  I was really on edge waiting for something to happen to Hartley where she could block someone's "Psi" but it just never happened.  I guess you wanted it to allude to the final sequence where Troy blocks Dr. Zahn's "energy" but that was a far fetched connection.

The ending was a real downer and didn't sit well with me.  You had all these people dying and it just kept going downhill.  I'm not saying every script should have a happy ending, but this kind of seemed to melodramatic.  In Europe or Asia it probably would be looked upon fine but in America we like happy endings.  The main character getting his ass beat while tied up heading into your final fade out seemed a little pessimistic.  

In conclusion, the story was great.  Everything made sense and most of everyone's stoy was explained.  The characters were bland except for Sarah, I liked her the best.  The action sequences were well done and entertaining to read.  The story moved along quickly and didn't hold up too much but there were some down scenes.

My advice would be to try and delve deeper into Dr. Zahn's history on why he experimented on these characters.  In action films, your antagonist needs to have just as much backstory as your protagonist, if not more.  We have to know why this guy is so bent on Psi and telekentics and why he would go as far as to kill FBI agents in the process to keep it a secret.  If you did explain this, I never got it.  You also need to grasp the written English language a little better.  I don't mean to be insulting but there was just too much improper usage of the language.  Other than that though it's just minor things that need to possibly be reworked and this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.    

Good luck.    

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  November 20th, 2006, 1:23am
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JD_OK
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Quoted from guyjackson
First off I do not ever recall me ever promising to read this script.  If I did, then I aplogize for forgetting but I just don't remember it.  Anyway I've finished reading and this is my review.


Date Received: August 31st, 2006, 8:03pm     Reply Remove Topic
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Hey buddy.  I'll be happy to read your script, but you're going to have to give me a couple days because I have others to read and my own script to write.

I'll get to it as soon as I can and give you a critique.

Thats what u sent me


Quoted from guyjackson
First things first.  I really hope English is your second language because some of the grammatical syntax you had in this script was almost unreadable.  I had to reread several scenes over and over again so I could try and decode what was going on.  You have way to many indefinate articles missing (you would have written "what you know about S.R?"  when it should be "what do you know about S.R.?")  I understand some dialogue can be written with "slang" incorporated but I don't think FBI agents talk like that.  So that had a real hidrance on my opinon for your script.


Thanks for pointing that out. I had been altering the script lately, and i prolly missed some more words.


Quoted from guyjackson
However, this is probsbly one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.  Telekenetics always facinates me, especially when it is used in present day stories as compared to Sci-Fi stories.


Thanks, I'm glad you like this subject as I do.


Quoted from guyjackson
The action sequences seemed pretty well written in the beginning, but at the end they were terribly bland.  I don't know if you just got tired of writing but you just started puting "they fight, sparks fly, etc.".


You are absolutely right! Thing was My professional consultant wanted me to not go into much detail about the fights. He actually wanted me to cut the bar fight in half. I detailed that fight becuase Troy "comes out of the closet" and You see he is able to do things he denied and yet same as the killer. Difference was the color about his body.

I prolly will add more to the to the end fighting. Great advice!


Quoted from guyjackson
I think one of you strenghts was your incorporation of flashback.  Every flashback scene was well placed and served a way better purpose as opposed to someone just saying it with dialogue.  I applaud you there.


Thank you! It took me alot of writing, Im glad i gt them where it needed. Cuz b4 i did say instead of show...


Quoted from guyjackson
The characters were a little too two dimensional for my tastes.  The only character I really attached to was Sarah.  SHe seemed to have the most history and emotion in the script and read fantastic.


Did you feel they did, did change throughout the script? (the other characters)

Sarah is the real protagonist to me


Quoted from guyjackson
Your military personel and FBI agents were just words to me.  Troy was okay in some parts but he seemed to be torn between too many archetypes like the wise cracking man to the emotional father.  It just seemed a bit much.


Is this bad thing? i mean does this hurt the script you in opinion?


Quoted from guyjackson
The dialouge again was faulted with improper English.  I could get most of the lines but other times it was just out there.


Thanks, i will look for these things and weed them out!


Quoted from guyjackson

You had some really corny lines such as the "Tell yourslef you won't let negative energy affect you", considering that had no conncection to any other scene later in the story.


Yes, good point. I will have to come up with better line. It did have connection, was in dr's office, he was talkin about Sarah's face, then Troy Tries to use psi on him. Dr. says" i can't believe that mumbo about shielding works. So troy then makes the gun fly to dr's chin.

Every scene needs to count in a screenplay.  Even the boring telephone conversations and car rides.  Don't just put filler in.  There's no need for it.  I was really on edge waiting for something to happen to Hartley where she could block someone's "Psi" but it just never happened.  I guess you wanted it to allude to the final sequence where Troy blocks Dr. Zahn's "energy" but that was a far fetched connection.


Quoted from guyjackson
The ending was a real downer and didn't sit well with me.  You had all these people dying and it just kept going downhill.  I'm not saying every script should have a happy ending, but this kind of seemed to melodramatic.  In Europe or Asia it probably would be looked upon fine but in America we like happy endings.  The main character getting his ass beat while tied up heading into your final fade out seemed a little pessimistic.


I understand where you are coming from, what you read was a new ending, This was the orignal, tell me if you like it better?

INT. TROY�S CAR - DAY
TROY (V.O.)
�...then reunion day.�
Troy enters the car. sarah sits in the passenger seat. She wears a dark dress and black glasses.

TROY
They're watching.

SARAH
How long before they come for us?

TROY
I dont know...

Troy drives.

TROY (V.O)
In the end, I was no better, a murder.
How could I let my own child die?
I still have hope for Sarah. For what lies next, we will need eachother.

                                                                               FADE OUT


Quoted from guyjackson

In conclusion, the story was great.  Everything made sense and most of everyone's stoy was explained.  The characters were bland except for Sarah, I liked her the best.  The action sequences were well done and entertaining to read.  The story moved along quickly and didn't hold up too much but there were some down scenes.


Thanks again!


Quoted from guyjackson

My advice would be to try and delve deeper into Dr. Zahn's history on why he experimented on these characters.  In action films, your antagonist needs to have just as much backstory as your protagonist, if not more.  We have to know why this guy is so bent on Psi and telekentics and why he would go as far as to kill FBI agents in the process to keep it a secret.  If you did explain this, I never got it.


Hit it on the nose, and thanks for putting it into my head. I figured out already Dr.z back story! Thanks you!!


Quoted from guyjackson
You also need to grasp the written English language a little better.  I don't mean to be insulting but there was just too much improper usage of the language.  Other than that though it's just minor things that need to possibly be reworked and this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.    

Good luck.    


None taken. I need to fix those things. Is there something of your I could read and drop some feedback on?

Also, how did the twists work for you? Did you see anything coming?

How about the scenes with Arkon?



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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