congrats. Jd_Ok. Much success in winning. Good luck.

Gabe

I am struggling to read this script.  There is a lot of sitting
and exiting.  And there is a lot of verbs used over and over
again.  The other distraction is two directions beginning the
same way.

pg 15 There are just a lot of lines that begin with "The Mime".

Your screenplay starts to get a whole lot better on page 18.

The other distraction is also the entering of people.  This leads
to a lot of chit-chat.

I will give this a second attempt tomorrow.

tweak

Quoted from tweak I am struggling to read this script.  There is a lot of sitting and exiting.  And there is a lot of verbs used over and over again.  The other distraction is two directions beginning the same way. pg 15 There are just a lot of lines that begin with "The Mime". Your screenplay starts to get a whole lot better on page 18. The other distraction is also the entering of people.  This leads to a lot of chit-chat. I will give this a second attempt tomorrow. tweak

Aw, just got my internet back... I recently moved!

Tweak - example of over used verbs?

The line u have the start with "The mime" are action lines. Sense these lines are seperate from supporting parapgraph, you have to indicate who Im referring to in each line, so reader doesnt get confused, on who is does what if not in same parapgraph.

I assure you what I have is the correct way of doing it.

Thank you for taking a look, hope it will catch your attention 2nd time around  

GABE- Thanks man, I'm invited to Hollywood for awards ceremony on June 9th.... dunno if I can make it or not.. but would be worth it to make connection and build repour with  people in the industry.

Congrats on everything JD very impressive it makes me extra excited to start reading it, and good luck with the next round of the competition.

Quoted from JD_OK Aw, just got my internet back... I recently moved! Tweak - example of over used verbs?

sit, rises, turns, watches (a variety of different ways to look as well)

For a few pages, the characters are just sitting and standing, sitting and standing.  Then, there are a lot of scenes with alot of looking.  Here you use a variety of verbs.  But if the action isn't driving the scene, sitting, standing, and staring doesn't add a whole lot of excitement to an action script.

Quoted from JD_OK The line u have the start with "The mime" are action lines. Sense these lines are seperate from supporting parapgraph, you have to indicate who Im referring to in each line, so reader doesnt get confused, on who is does what if not in same parapgraph. I assure you what I have is the correct way of doing it.

I am not arguing right or wrong.  It's just distracting enough to take me out of the story.  I thought the purpose of a spec script was to tell a story -- keep the reader turning the pages.  Pick up Pulp Fiction, Thirteen Ghosts, Donnie Brasco, those scripts are pages turners.

Now, Pulp Fiction takes an odd approach.  He doesn't tell the actor all ways what to do.  Sometimes he just explains the character in the action sequence.  This is a different approach.  Effective because it's used sparingly.

tweak

Quoted from tweak sit, rises, turns, watches (a variety of different ways to look as well) For a few pages, the characters are just sitting and standing, sitting and standing.  Then, there are a lot of scenes with alot of looking.  Here you use a variety of verbs.  But if the action isn't driving the scene, sitting, standing, and staring doesn't add a whole lot of excitement to an action script. I am not arguing right or wrong.  It's just distracting enough to take me out of the story.  I thought the purpose of a spec script was to tell a story -- keep the reader turning the pages.  Pick up Pulp Fiction, Thirteen Ghosts, Donnie Brasco, those scripts are pages turners. Now, Pulp Fiction takes an odd approach.  He doesn't tell the actor all ways what to do.  Sometimes he just explains the character in the action sequence.  This is a different approach.  Effective because it's used sparingly. tweak

I seem to remember about of sitting and talkin in pulp fiction. Sameul, John, Uma, had plenty of scenes of just sitting and talking.

Almost all my dialog has to do with pushing the script forward, not mindless chit chat

Granted some scripts are just not for everyone.  

Another note-******

I just updated the script for those of you who wanted to see what the script looked like that was entered into the competition.

Its at 91pages, took out another 5 pages by tightening and remove uncessary things. Its on page one, just click it the same as normal.

I talked to the man in charge of the awards ceremony and Im for sure going to attend it. Its at Hollywood
Renaissance Hotel in LA.

Those who became finalist (lucky me!) going to be introduced to Agents and industry people, and read tid bits from our script to  them. He told me last year, 2 screenwriters last year award ceremony got deals from this exposure with the contacts made there.

Sorry for the delay, JD. On to the review.

I'm going to give you my overall impressions first then give some specifics.

You have some good things and bad things about this script. The good things are really good and the bad things, well, they're fixable.

When I started reading this, the first 15 or so pages were, how shall I say this... bad. This was probable the only really weak point of the script. After the death of Troy's wife, the script picks up and takes off. It's as if someone else started writing from there. You need to rework the beginning. Most of the things are going to be easy fixes. Your action sequences were clunky and were difficult to read an follow in these first few scenes. Sometimes less, in my opinion, is more. The use of Character 1,2, 3,  etc. got irritating really fast. I find myself being uninterested during these parts. You need to fix this.

You have a knack for story-telling. You utilizes story techniques very well. You move the plot along at a continuous, fast pace. There aren't any instances where I thought, "Okay, get on with it." It was a page-turner. I couldn't find any real plot holes to complain about. If there were any, I was too interested in the story and the characters to notice. This a good thing. Also, you intermixed your scenes just enough. You never let a scene sit for too long. for this type of story this is definitely a plus.

Your character development was pretty darn good, also. Troy was a likeable good-guy with just enough faults. You should have resolved this flaw in the end. Make him get rid of his flask. Would have been a good change to his character. Also, you kept us in the dark on what your character's motivations were. I like the fact that we're not sure who the good guys or the bad guys are. Akron ended up being a "good" guy! He was just ensuring "God's power" was utilized wisely. Good job.

On to some specifics...

PG 1 Tell us what type of helicopter. I know this seems picky but, trust me, it will make your screenplay look so much more polished if you do thes little things.

INT. CH-46 MARINE TRANSPORT HELICOPTOR (or something similar)

"Seals" are sea creatures. "S.E.A.L.s" are Navy combat specialists.

Names are not used over comm. In the helo, the pilot wouldn't refer to Troy by name. Also, over the radios on the ground, handles would be used. "Echo-one" or something else.

You need to give these "1, 2, 3" characters "names". This was one of the most irritating point for me. You do this throughout. Call them, "gay militant", "snaggle-toothed militant" or something. Use your great imagination. Again, these things make your script look ten times better.

PG 3: Would Troy spit at Morbis? He's too cool a dude for that.

PG : Okay this scene was probably the least believable. Even though Troy couldn't save his Ex-wife, he would definitely be a little distraught over it. Right now, Troy is a talking head. Emotionless. Use this scene to show some emotion and Troy's predicament about not being able to use his powers.

PG 8: Gangster 1,2,3... you're doing it again.

PG 9: Never liked the use of "FLASHBACK" to open a flashback scene. I think if your script is tight, you don't need to use this. This is not how you see it on screen.

I do like how your setting up Troy's internal conflict. Should he or shouldn't he use his powers?

PG 10: Marines who guard anything are referred to M.P.s(Military police). Each of these marines should be referred to by their titles. PFC Moore, CPL Kent, SGT Hickman, etc. There is usually a sergeant in charge and the rest are PVTs or PFCs.

PG 12: Marines never refer to their SGTs as "Serg". Only the army does this.

PG 15: Why do you show Troy's age again. Are you reintroducing him?

PG 16: "Foriegn Man"? C'mon, call him "Arab dignitary" at least.

PG 22: What is the Irishman doing there? Why would Morbis bring him. Kind of pointless and not well explained.

PG 25: Why would Dr. Zahn be questioning Troy? Wouldn't he be in awe? Most scientists fawn over great science. (nevermind, considering who Zahn turns out to be, it works.)

PG 32: Didn't SECDEF say not to let anyone in the hospital room?

PG 45: I like the fact we don't know what our character's motives are yet. Keeps the intrigue going.

PG 47: I've notice that you're breaking action sequences that occur with the same person. Keep them together. Otherwise you have three or four seperate lines of action begining with same person's name. Example: JD enters the room. Runs left. Flips th light switch on. Leaves.

PG 60: What was so scientifically important about getting monkeys to eat fruit in the first place. The scientists didn't plan on what happened. What was thier purpose initially.

PG 64: actually, only electrons surround the core of an atom. Neutrons and Protons make up the center. The energy lies within the attraction of these molecules with one another. The most coming from the energy between the neutrons and electrons. This is the source of "nuclear" energy.

PG 83: I don't think Hartley's response would be, "I'm really sorry for your loss. Do you need a ride back to the city?" This is flat and unrealistic.

The last ten pages, the flashbacks get a little cumbersome. Is there anywhere you could replace a flashback and tell it within the story.

Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story. If you would fix some small things, your script would look a whole lot more polished. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Joseph

Quoted from medstudent When I started reading this, the first 15 or so pages were, how shall I say this... bad. This was probable the only really weak point of the script.

Debatable. Quite afew reviews didnt have a problem with the beginning. Just necessary back story for the real meat of the story.

Noted for sure tho. Thanks for ur info on this part.

Quoted from medstudent The use of Character 1,2, 3,  etc. got irritating really fast. I find myself being uninterested during these parts. You need to fix this.

Generic names are okay to use. As an example, watch movie credits

Quoted from medstudent You have a knack for story-telling. You utilizes story techniques very well. You move the plot along at a continuous, fast pace. There aren't any instances where I thought, "Okay, get on with it." It was a page-turner. I couldn't find any real plot holes to complain about. If there were any, I was too interested in the story and the characters to notice. This a good thing. Also, you intermixed your scenes just enough. You never let a scene sit for too long. for this type of story this is definitely a plus.

Thanks, its taken sometime and alot of feedback to get where it is. Reads for reads and paying consultants is worth it! If you are really serious on making your story best it can be.

Quoted from medstudent Your character development was pretty darn good, also. Troy was a likeable good-guy with just enough faults. You should have resolved this flaw in the end. Make him get rid of his flask. Would have been a good change to his character.

Thanks, and thnaks for poitning this out. I did have this inpreviousdraft, but forgot to readd it when i chopped it from a scene. But I put it in at the end. Thanks for the point out!!

Quoted from medstudent Also, you kept us in the dark on what your character's motivations were. I like the fact that we're not sure who the good guys or the bad guys are. Akron ended up being a "good" guy! He was just ensuring "God's power" was utilized wisely. Good job.

Im glad u took notice to this. I wanted "bad" guys to win, they are in terms not the worst of the villians but noy total heros.

They have faults, and when it comes down to it hartley is the true protagonist, and Zahn is antagonist. But You think Troy is, but he is an anti hero, much like The Mime.

Quoted from medstudent PG 1 Tell us what type of helicopter. I know this seems picky but, trust me, it will make your screenplay look so much more polished if you do thes little things. INT. CH-46 MARINE TRANSPORT HELICOPTOR (or something similar) "Seals" are sea creatures. "S.E.A.L.s" are Navy combat specialists. Names are not used over comm. In the helo, the pilot wouldn't refer to Troy by name. Also, over the radios on the ground, handles would be used. "Echo-one" or something else.

Excellent point outs and I have fixed

Quoted from medstudent PG 3: Would Troy spit at Morbis? He's too cool a dude for that.

Yea, ur right! Fixed

Quoted from medstudent PG : Okay this scene was probably the least believable. Even though Troy couldn't save his Ex-wife, he would definitely be a little distraught over it. Right now, Troy is a talking head. Emotionless. Use this scene to show some emotion and Troy's predicament about not being able to use his powers.

Noted

Quoted from medstudent PG 9: Never liked the use of "FLASHBACK" to open a flashback scene. I think if your script is tight, you don't need to use this. This is not how you see it on screen.

Those are necessary and needs to be in place so reader does not get confused. Its just the way it done.

Quoted from medstudent I do like how your setting up Troy's internal conflict. Should he or shouldn't he use his powers?

Quoted from medstudent PG 10: Marines who guard anything are referred to M.P.s(Military police). Each of these marines should be referred to by their titles. PFC Moore, CPL Kent, SGT Hickman, etc. There is usually a sergeant in charge and the rest are PVTs or PFCs. PG 12: Marines never refer to their SGTs as "Serg". Only the army does this.

Fixed

Quoted from medstudent PG 15: Why do you show Troy's age again. Are you reintroducing him?

No, indicates different age in the time period. He is to look younger or older in that scene

Quoted from medstudent PG 22: What is the Irishman doing there? Why would Morbis bring him. Kind of pointless and not well explained.

Added some brief expo for him

Quoted from medstudent PG 32: Didn't SECDEF say not to let anyone in the hospital room?

No he says, no one goes in without proper id.

Quoted from medstudent PG 45: I like the fact we don't know what our character's motives are yet. Keeps the intrigue going.

Thanks, but some dont hehe ;p

Quoted from medstudent PG 47: I've notice that you're breaking action sequences that occur with the same person. Keep them together. Otherwise you have three or four seperate lines of action begining with same person's name. Example: JD enters the room. Runs left. Flips th light switch on. Leaves.

Its the way its done. If u didnt notice, you do it too in ur script hehe

Quoted from medstudent PG 60: What was so scientifically important about getting monkeys to eat fruit in the first place. The scientists didn't plan on what happened. What was thier purpose initially.

This is a metaphor for human species, so the rest is easy to understand. It was a factual experiment.

Quoted from medstudent PG 64: actually, only electrons surround the core of an atom. Neutrons and Protons make up the center. The energy lies within the attraction of these molecules with one another. The most coming from the energy between the neutrons and electrons. This is the source of "nuclear" energy.

I might give full detail on this, but it was just alil tidbit, of the generality of the working... dont wanna put stuff over people's head. Just enuff to it brings back memory from school teachings.

Quoted from medstudent PG 83: I don't think Hartley's response would be, "I'm really sorry for your loss. Do you need a ride back to the city?" This is flat and unrealistic.

Point taken and I changed it. Thanks!

Quoted from medstudent Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story. If you would fix some small things, your script would look a whole lot more polished. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions. Joseph

Thanks joseph Im over half way thru ur script and I will post deep review within couple hours.

Questions:

How did twists play out for you? I just added in dream/flashback with john yellin at troy about not being there for sarah. Was it too much of give away?

Fight scenes, they work for you?

Hyneks theories belieable to you?

How did the ending sit with you? Should Sarah be brought back?

Did you feel for Sarah?

So far, I'm liking your new draft, but there are a few things:

Pg. 34:

HARTLEY
I've had better days, tell me what happened.

Begins flashback.

It felt a bit rushed to get to the dialogue.  These are people who have a history together, they share a few choice words, and straight to, "seen better days, tell me what happened."  I'd recommend extending that one just a little bit.  Or show some sense of concern for Kent, considering he was almost killed.  But that's just me.

Pg. 26:  It was good that you dropped that scene a bit, showing Morbid not interested at all, and that he's just an ass.  That was just more notable for me I guess.

Pg. 40:  

Director

Be careful! - I think it should just be, "Be careful."  The explanation mark makes it sound as if he's suddenly yelling to her, lol.

And I see you dropped Stahl from this draft completely, eh?  Damn, kinda liked him, lol, I remember being relieved that he was alive after Duncan shot him, but if he had to go, he had to go I suppose.

EDIT:  Okay, now that I've read everything, I like what I've read, once again, I liked reading your story without knowing what was ahead of me.  Much dialogue was editted from what I could see, and I loved a lot of the new things you added, but felt a bit disappointed with Stalh's removal.

*WARNING, conatins spoilers.*

At the very end, it was good how you actually showed what Troy did this time to bring Sarah back from the dead, as opposed to the previous draft, where we were left with that one being a noggin scratcher, heh.  

For a while, I expected Morez to be the sort of replacement for Stahl, but since he died, I guess that wasn't gonna happen, lol.

I really did like how much you expanded on Troy and Johna.  At least now you see he's learned not to make the same mistake twice, and now you see how much he regrets letting his wife down, and how much the Morbid attack in the very beginning, screwed him up.  How he became an alcoholic, and how he abandoned his wife and daughter.  This was a very good call of you to have added to your most recent draft.  Nice work.

I think you also did better with Morbid's final fight, and I was glad to see you dropped Troy's little, "spontanious combustion" phrase he used in the other draft before he took out Morbid.  It made it sound less cheesy, that Morbid is one amazing antagonist, no matter how many times you read Newton's Cradle, his role and performance as a bad guy simply cannot go unnoted, and I think you did an outstanding job in making sure of this action.  Nice work.  

All in all, it was once again a fun read, I think you did great with trimming it down, but some of the trimming needs some work as mentioned above.  Dialogue was definitely improved greatly, but there were a few scenes which I felt shouldn't have been removed, namely your end scene in the earlier draft, changing back from Hartley, to Stahl, to Arkon, and back to Troy, but the new ending was good too.

I was however, once again, disappointed with Stahl gone, lol, I don't remember why I liked the guy so much, but whatever, lol, I guess it was because it kind of expanded on Kent a bit, and seeing Stahl develop and what not, but enough ranting about him right?

Your new draft is a great piece of work, and I had fun reading it in a different fashion this time around.  And good luck with the next competition.  I hope you mop the floor with the next competitors bud.  

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad So far, I'm liking your new draft, but there are a few things: Pg. 34: HARTLEY I've had better days, tell me what happened. Begins flashback. It felt a bit rushed to get to the dialogue.  These are people who have a history together, they share a few choice words, and straight to, "seen better days, tell me what happened."  I'd recommend extending that one just a little bit.  Or show some sense of concern for Kent, considering he was almost killed.  But that's just me.

Excellent suggestion. I think about this scene and see what enters my head to add to it. I did have some more but I cut it.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Pg. 26:  It was good that you dropped that scene a bit, showing Morbid not interested at all, and that he's just an ass.  That was just more notable for me I guess.

Tru tru
Pg. 40:  

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad Director Be careful! - I think it should just be, "Be careful."  The explanation mark makes it sound as if he's suddenly yelling to her, lol.

he is yelling she left the room already,but i see how u could draw this conclusion.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad And I see you dropped Stahl from this draft completely, eh?  Damn, kinda liked him, lol, I remember being relieved that he was alive after Duncan shot him, but if he had to go, he had to go I suppose.

I honestly did too, but after the fact it did strengthen hartleys rule and really barely missed, he didnt affect the plot.. so he could be left out. Thus takin away the cliche they setup together.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad EDIT:  Okay, now that I've read everything, I like what I've read, once again, I liked reading your story without knowing what was ahead of me.  Much dialogue was editted from what I could see, and I loved a lot of the new things you added, but felt a bit disappointed with Stalh's removal.

Good deal, I'm glad u was able to notice the changes. Stahl was funny tho lol

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad At the very end, it was good how you actually showed what Troy did this time to bring Sarah back from the dead, as opposed to the previous draft, where we were left with that one being a noggin scratcher, heh.

I showed this in previous draft

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad For a while, I expected Morez to be the sort of replacement for Stahl, but since he died, I guess that wasn't gonna happen, lol.

He did take some of stahls lines, but he is just a grunt for hartley

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad I really did like how much you expanded on Troy and Johna.  At least now you see he's learned not to make the same mistake twice, and now you see how much he regrets letting his wife down, and how much the Morbid attack in the very beginning, screwed him up.  How he became an alcoholic, and how he abandoned his wife and daughter.  This was a very good call of you to have added to your most recent draft.  Nice work.

Thanks! I actually had this in a earlier draft, but i had cut it out. When i condensed this last draft i as at 88 pages. So I brought and editted that scene. I think it was need for more character developement for Troy. I'm happy i brought it back and u felt the purposes of this scene gave. This for mentioning this.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad I think you also did better with Morbid's final fight, and I was glad to see you dropped Troy's little, "spontanious combustion" phrase he used in the other draft before he took out Morbid.  It made it sound less cheesy, that Morbid is one amazing antagonist, no matter how many times you read Newton's Cradle, his role and performance as a bad guy simply cannot go unnoted, and I think you did an outstanding job in making sure of this action.  Nice work.

Thanks, I tried to add alil more of dialogue for him.

Yea that phase. I did like it but it was damn cheesy wasnt it? lol

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad All in all, it was once again a fun read, I think you did great with trimming it down, but some of the trimming needs some work as mentioned above.  Dialogue was definitely improved greatly, but there were a few scenes which I felt shouldn't have been removed, namely your end scene in the earlier draft, changing back from Hartley, to Stahl, to Arkon, and back to Troy, but the new ending was good too. Your new draft is a great piece of work, and I had fun reading it in a different fashion this time around.  And good luck with the next competition.  I hope you mop the floor with the next competitors bud.

Thanks for your comments once again. Yea I hope to kick some ass, I got my tickets and I'll be in hollywood for 2 days. woot!

Awesome bud.  Go tear Tinsle town a new one for us bud.  

Hi JD,
Read through the posts.

It mentions in the last post you were shortening it; that post was 8 months ago.

Before I read your script, can you tell me if it is the final first draft or are you still working on shortening it?




Cheers,
Elisabeth

Final draft(5th.5 draft) is up, I can edit and post on my own, since I host it.  

I'll start on ur script tonight, Ill post review shortly after you post yours  

Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid.
A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .

Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming.

Cheers,
Elis

Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid.
A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .

Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming.

Cheers,
Elis