Quoted from elis Hi JD, I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine. There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid. Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming. Cheers, Elis

Hey elis, you turned it out pretty quick. I was looking for the thread/post what should be commented on in a review, but i couldnt find.

I know you r new so prolly just dont know how to post a review just yet. I say this becuz i did see ur review on mike comedy script and itwas small/simple review aswell

To ensure the person you are doin review and actually read your story, you wanna touch base on things such as:

Characters/developement
dialogue
structure/pacing
plot
format
like and dislikes
originality
appeal

This also works both ways, cuz i could easily say. "I liked urs, too... Good job"
Its nice to hear, but it doesnt help, make better. Just a suggestion here and there adds to the your opinion/review of ones script.

I usually give a thorough/long post on my reviews to let the writer knows strengths in areas and weaknesses in others.

I'll have review up soon, and thanks for comments. Glad you enjoyed!

Quoted from elis A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .

I looked and didnt c this. What was her lines?

I am all new to this and I will therefor give you a more indepth report on your script as best a memory recalls.

Characters
I would have liked a little more on Johna's background, I think she would have shed a little more light on Troy and Sarah.

Morbid is a dislikeable character from the start and I liked that.

dialogue

I thought the dialogue was really good. it was not over done and kept the story going at a good pace.

structure

Your structure is good and and I think the flashbacks work well in your script.

plot

It keeps us guessing about Sarah and I liked that.  

format
ok

like and dislikes

I liked the suspence and I liked how it all to be tied up in a neat knot at the end, which you did quite well.

My dislike is probably Troy hitting the booze. It always seems to be a common thing when people can't sort their lives out in movies.

originality
It is original but not so different than other movies I have seen,  such as V for vendetta.

appeal
I think it has a tremendous appeal.  I love this stuff and I know a lot of people do. It takes us out of the realistic world and makes us wonder "what if" for a while.

Next time I do a analysis of a script I will jot down points as I go along.
I didn't realise what comments were actually required from a read.

I am sorry I commented these points from memory.
elis

Elis - Thanks for your feedback, much appreciated!

UPDATE***********************

I made 3rd place.

http://www.gaffers.org/winners.html

I really dont know why they labelled it a drama, so Im abit miffed . The draft this that placed  is was from april 1st. 5th draft without revisions, 95 pager. Current 5.5 draft is posted at 90 pages.

I'll post to let everyone know how the "experience" in hollywood went when I return!  

Congrats JD...hope you enjoy the trip.

I agree that it's a little odd that it got labeled as a drama, but whatever gets you a prize right?  It doesn't seem to be broken into categories, so you could just say "Placed 3rd in the ... contest".

Does this guarantee any companies to look at it?  Some of those other winning titles look familiar as well.

Quoted from Shelton Congrats JD...hope you enjoy the trip. I agree that it's a little odd that it got labeled as a drama, but whatever gets you a prize right?  It doesn't seem to be broken into categories, so you could just say "Placed 3rd in the ... contest". Does this guarantee any companies to look at it?  Some of those other winning titles look familiar as well.

Yea.. well i hope lol. I dont get it, It looks like they made it catagories, cuz they list 3 first place and 3 2nd and 3 rd, each having different genre in ranking.

Which could this scenerio could be interpetted in many ways. Im going to email them and see what this "sudden" change in line up means. Cuz b4 its only 3 winners listed and prizes for only them 3.

But I know all finalists are subject with meet with agents/producers at the festival in hollywood, if the finalist attends.

But yea, these other scripts are making their ways around, ranking in different competition. They can be seen at http://www.moviebytes.com then link for winningscripts.com

Thanks mike!

Good job, JD!

Joseph

Okay....I finally read the most posted on script at SS.

You have to pardon me for not reading through this thread, but it's just too looooong.

I have no idea what draft this is or if you're planning on making more. Here are my thoughts on your script. I'm not a pro as you know so just take it for what it is...my opinion.

Over all I have to say that I really liked it! I thought the idea was pretty clever. I also think it read well. In fact it's completely different from your posts on these boards.

Characters/developement: Troy is someone I would've liked to like a little bit better. I didn't dislike him, but I would have liked to know him better. To make him different from your regular moody cop type characters that drink, maybe he could turn to something else to dull his senses. Since he was a SEAL and those tend to be very fit, maybe he instead could be an obsessive runner or do workouts. Just a thought.

I felt for Sarah. I think you did a good job on her. I would have liked to know/see more of Johna and her relationship with both of them. I guess Hartley was okay. I think she could be better, but I'm not sure what to offer as far as suggestions go. Maybe give her a character trait that makes her different or more enjoyable.

dialogue: I thought your dialogue was fine. Not the sharpest or most clever, but certainly not bad or cheesy.

structure/pacing: I will deal with this part later, because this is where most of my problems with this script lies.

plot: I really like the plot and I thought you did great on the ending. A few twists and turns and at the same time tying things up neatly.

format: Was fine to me as well. I think I understood and was able to follow the story. Possibly a little confusing about their ages, but I mention that later in this post.

originality: I thought it was fairly clever and original. Is there something similar out there already? I wouldn't know, I rarely watch movies.

appeal: I think this would have a large appeal. It's action packed, fairly clever and could probably be a pg-13 movie unless they would turn the action scenes in to splatter scenes. I might even call it HIGH CONCEPT, but I'm just me.

Okay, now for my questions and complaints. There are a few typos here and there, but they're not distracting enough to worry about. If you want me to, I can point them out though.

This script reads fast which is good. Unfortunately the story moved too fast too, IMHO. I love action/thriller movies so I'm not against it if that's what you might think. You even write the action VERY well with it all broken up into different shots. That was good and you might have noticed I tried to do the same with Dark Side of Man. The problem I had is that there was too much of a good thing. It was almost like getting on a roller coaster and instead of getting off at the end of the ride stay in the seat and go for another ride, then another and another. I read an article once about this and I have mentioned it here on these boards before. It basically said that we can only sustain an adrenaline rush for a certain amount of time before we run out of adrenaline and need a break to recharge. That is also the reason why roller coasters don't exceed this time, because we would start to lose the sensation of fear/excitement/ or whatever. I think you need to cut some of the action down and give us time to "recharge" in between the action and maybe flesh out some of the dramatic scenes. Try to think if there's a way to convey the same message in the action scene by writing a drama scene instead. Good opportunity to work on the characters some.

In the first six pages you have a military attack on militias by the SEALs, Troy waking up from a bad dream, a car accident, and a funeral. I like it, but I wonder if it isn't too much tucked into six pages. If you think about it, that's only about six minutes of film.  I almost felt that the first thirty pages were so action packed and on your seat kind of writing that it felt more like the last thirty pages should in an action flick. Just a thought...

I did find the character's ages somewhat confusing in the beginning. You start off saying Brazil 1987. Troy is 26 and Morbid 28. Then you say present time and Troy is 39. Am I doing the math wrong here? Nothing major, just something that confused is all.

Also you say Morbid is Russian. Not that anyone but me would be bothered by this, but at that time there was no Russia. It was the USSR or Soviet Union and they did not really have a presence in Brazil at that time. Like I said, probably no one else would care, but I would want to know what the heck a Soviet would be doing in Brazil at that time. Maybe explain some of how Morbid became involved with Arkon.

Pg 3: You have "an older militant" sitting at the table eating. Does he not notice the "screaming and gunshots" going on outside?

I wish you would name QM something different since that isn't really a name. Quantum Mechanics is a thing. That's like naming a restaurant RESTAURANT. Give it a name. JD's Quantum Mechanics research center. You get my drift.

Pg 12: You say "black tear drop on a black glossy mask". Wouldn't that be hard to see?

I've seen Newton's Cradles, but never with marble balls, only steel.

I think you did a good job making us think Troy was the Mime. The reveal was great.

Pg 32: Hartley says "You can't leave a crime scene" and a second later she asks him if he needs a ride?

Pg 42: They shoot tear gas grenades at his house. I'm not that up on police procedures, but wouldn't they have to give him some sort of warning first?

Pg 46: The Mime shoots Brown in the legs before shooting him in the head. That seemed excessive to me. Gratuitous and mean spirited = we like her less.

Pg 64: Good V.O sequence!

Pg 73: Troy tosses the wire on to the desk. Does Dr. Zahn not notice? Did I miss something?

Pg 83: I would have liked to see them catch Dr. Zahn.

All in all, I would say you did a really good job. I think it can be made into something great however.

Congrats on the contest. Have a ball in Hollywood.  

Pia




  

Wow!  Mighty impressive, JD!  Congratulations to you!

Quoted from tomson Over all I have to say that I really liked it! I thought the idea was pretty clever. I also think it read well. In fact it's completely different from your posts on these boards.

Thx! Lol yea, I know my posts r full of bad grammar  . I think faster then I type

Quoted from tomson Characters/developement: Troy is someone I would've liked to like a little bit better. I didn't dislike him, but I would have liked to know him better. To make him different from your regular moody cop type characters that drink, maybe he could turn to something else to dull his senses. Since he was a SEAL and those tend to be very fit, maybe he instead could be an obsessive runner or do workouts. Just a thought.

I hear what ur saying. I originally didnt want him to likeable at the beginning so the ending you can care for him, so you ending up likin him more then b4

Quoted from tomson I felt for Sarah. I think you did a good job on her. I would have liked to know/see more of Johna and her relationship with both of them. I guess Hartley was okay. I think she could be better, but I'm not sure what to offer as far as suggestions go. Maybe give her a character trait that makes her different or more enjoyable.

I agree Hartkey could use more character trait.
Sarah - Thanks, I tried very hard to make her the anti hero. The bad character you care for.

Quoted from tomson dialogue: I thought your dialogue was fine. Not the sharpest or most clever, but certainly not bad or cheesy.

Very true.

Quoted from tomson plot: I really like the plot and I thought you did great on the ending. A few twists and turns and at the same time tying things up neatly.

Gracias! Was anything predictable?

Quoted from tomson originality: I thought it was fairly clever and original. Is there something similar out there already? I wouldn't know, I rarely watch movies.

Was Hynek explanation believable and good to you?

Quoted from tomson appeal: I think this would have a large appeal. It's action packed, fairly clever and could probably be a pg-13 movie unless they would turn the action scenes in to splatter scenes. I might even call it HIGH CONCEPT, but I'm just me.

I hope so, I formed the concept behind the real life study of "psi" It has a popular following.

Quoted from tomson This script reads fast which is good. Unfortunately the story moved too fast too, IMHO. I love action/thriller movies so I'm not against it if that's what you might think. You even write the action VERY well with it all broken up into different shots.

I see what you mean about things going to fast. I did this intentionally. I wanted a story to be like 'speed'.

Thanks!

Quoted from tomson That was good and you might have noticed I tried to do the same with Dark Side of Man. The problem I had is that there was too much of a good thing. It was almost like getting on a roller coaster and instead of getting off at the end of the ride stay in the seat and go for another ride, then another and another. I read an article once about this and I have mentioned it here on these boards before. It basically said that we can only sustain an adrenaline rush for a certain amount of time before we run out of adrenaline and need a break to recharge. That is also the reason why roller coasters don't exceed this time, because we would start to lose the sensation of fear/excitement/ or whatever. I think you need to cut some of the action down and give us time to "recharge" in between the action and maybe flesh out some of the dramatic scenes. Try to think if there's a way to convey the same message in the action scene by writing a drama scene instead. Good opportunity to work on the characters some.

And yes I did noticed this in Dark side of man and I made a comment about it. " Your action flowed like it should"

This is a great point out. I agree with suggestion. I'm going to think on how and where I should drop the pace for develope so when it kicks back in gear the reader feels it.

Quoted from tomson In the first six pages you have a military attack on militias by the SEALs, Troy waking up from a bad dream, a car accident, and a funeral. I like it, but I wonder if it isn't too much tucked into six pages. If you think about it, that's only about six minutes of film.  I almost felt that the first thirty pages were so action packed and on your seat kind of writing that it felt more like the last thirty pages should in an action flick. Just a thought...

I hear what ur saying

Quoted from tomson I did find the character's ages somewhat confusing in the beginning. You start off saying Brazil 1987. Troy is 26 and Morbid 28. Then you say present time and Troy is 39. Am I doing the math wrong here? Nothing major, just something that confused is all.

This is my fault, I'm off in my present time ages after the 3 year super. troy should be 47 instead of 42, so time line fits with 2008 read.

1987 he is 26, present ( after dream awake) he is 39, ( should be 42here) then three years later... hell now im confused..

Hell of a catch, I will fix this time line of ages

Quoted from tomson Also you say Morbid is Russian. Not that anyone but me would be bothered by this, but at that time there was no Russia. It was the USSR or Soviet Union and they did not really have a presence in Brazil at that time. Like I said, probably no one else would care, but I would want to know what the heck a Soviet would be doing in Brazil at that time. Maybe explain some of how Morbid became involved with Arkon.

Yea Arkon sent him to brazil, yea I might touch on this for more character development

Quoted from tomson Pg 3: You have "an older militant" sitting at the table eating. Does he not notice the "screaming and gunshots" going on outside?

Your right, I'll fix it to where he cant hear it due to something! =\

Quoted from tomson I wish you would name QM something different since that isn't really a name. Quantum Mechanics is a thing. That's like naming a restaurant RESTAURANT. Give it a name. JD's Quantum Mechanics research center. You get my drift.

LOL, got me again

Quoted from tomson Pg 12: You say "black tear drop on a black glossy mask". Wouldn't that be hard to see?

lighting could show it, but this clearly shown when the eyes and tears glow white.

Quoted from tomson I think you did a good job making us think Troy was the Mime. The reveal was great.

Thanks, im glad u mentioned it. I always forget to ask that. So I assume you didnt see that coming? ;0)

Quoted from tomson Pg 32: Hartley says "You can't leave a crime scene" and a second later she asks him if he needs a ride?

Well after Troy, lets reminds of he just saved her life, he is not let her do anything to him. Realising this, she offers to do something for him. Maybe I should amp this up more?

Quoted from tomson Pg 42: They shoot tear gas grenades at his house. I'm not that up on police procedures, but wouldn't they have to give him some sort of warning first?

That is to flush the bad guy out and if they dont....then again he is to be considered dangerous..

But a warning would be good, I just didnt wanna repeat what happend at the school scenario

Quoted from tomson Pg 46: The Mime shoots Brown in the legs before shooting him in the head. That seemed excessive to me. Gratuitous and mean spirited = we like her less.

Yes, but you dont know you are disliking her at the time. I know its twisted but he did try and kill her 1st. So she killed him lol

Quoted from tomson Pg 64: Good V.O sequence!

Thanks for noticing

Quoted from tomson Pg 73: Troy tosses the wire on to the desk. Does Dr. Zahn not notice? Did I miss something?

Dr. Zahn sees it, but doesnt care, he knows they are trying to set him out, but he has the upper hand since he kis her team and takes her hostage.

Quoted from tomson Pg 83: I would have liked to see them catch Dr. Zahn.

Maybe so, but I had to kill off everyone that witnessed/involved with the case. So Hartley is the only. Thus marking her target for the sequel

Quoted from tomson All in all, I would say you did a really good job. I think it can be made into something great however. Congrats on the contest. Have a ball in Hollywood.   Pia

Thx and thx for the great feedback!

Medstudent and Greg - Thanks aswell for the support!



  [/quote]

Hey JD, I finally finished this monster. A couple of things before I get to the review.

I've not read any of the previuos posts before this, so if I mention something that has already been brought up I'm sorry. Also, I won't be writing a monster review. Sorry.

Now on to the review.

First, your format was great. It made me realize that my formating still has a long way to go, but I'll get there.

Your descriptions were also great! I could see all the action unfold in my mind. The action scenes inpaticular were superb.

Your dialogue was good, not quite as good as your descriptions, but close.

You really developed your characters well. My only problem there is that I would have liked a little more back story for Troy. But what back story you gave worked.

You have some very original ideas at work here and the script shines because of it.

Overall I'd say this script is very solid. No glaring flaws(there were a few grammer errors, but who cares). Great job and I'll be looking forward to the sequel!

~Zack~

First I would just like to say that overall this script just rocked. This is the kind of movie I wouldn't mind spending money to go and see, providing they did it with a good enough cast and big enough budget.  It would be a shame if it was turned into a straight-to-tv b-movie that you find showing late on the sci-fi channel.

The whole idea of people with powers of the mind is not really a new one, Scanners comes instantly to mind (pun not intended) but what the heck, most things have been done already so I won't hold that against you, in fact the reason that the same ideas are utilized over and over is that they damn well work.

Now most people will know that the cornerstone of a good movie is good characters. If you don't like the characters, even the unlikable ones (if you get my meaning), then a movie is destined to fail.  Troy may, as Zack said, may not have been giving much back story but what we do know about him is more than sufficient.

And as for The Mime, well he just intrigued me from the first moment I read about him. It was not just because of his powers that he interested me, I mean having telekinesis is one thing but there was something else about him.  Giving it a tiny bit of thought I figured out what it was that drew me to the character.  He reminded me of V from V for Vendetta.  Both characters wear masks and they have a fondness for using knives.  Okay V could not move objects with his mind and he liked to talk...a lot...but still.

Now I could spend all day talking about the different characters but then I would get terrible cramps from typing, so lets just say I found most of them interesting and even those that I did not particularly like did play an important (no matter how small) role to the overall story.

Apart from a few grammar issues which can be easily fixed I thought that the dialogue was pretty spot on.   Can't really think of anything more to say on this subject...that is indeed a good thing. The voices / words suited the characters roles perfectly, meaning science geeks sounded like science geeks, military people sounded suitably military etc.

Now I admit that at first the story was confusing, with knives flying around seemingly by themselves. Then when I realized that it was due to characters having powers it suddenly made sense.  When I started reading it again knowing what I now knew I found that the pacing of the story was pretty much spot on.  Like any good action movie it had a nice balanced mix of action and talking. The action came thick and fast and would please any die hard action fan and the moments in between were so well written with a lot of important information revealed that was central to the plot that you did not even notice that nobody had used telekinesis to kill someone with a knife for about ten minutes.

This is in stark contrast with quite a few movie sin recent years (The Matrix Trilogy for example) that while they have damn good action there is just far too much talking in them, seriously the only way I can watch the matrix is to forward through the blah,blah,blah scenes to the action.  This film would not have that problem with the pacing it has.

The story line with the mad, dying, scientist Dr. Zahn trying to capture one of these gifted people for his own purposes is a bit cliched but it works for the story and that is all that matters.  This is also true for the revelation that the Mime is actually Troys daughter Sarah, well an aspect of her personality having developed what can only be described as split-personality disorder.

On a low note tho I thought the end battle between Troy, Sarah and Morbid was a bit short.  I would have liked to have seen them make more use of their powers and really throw each other around more.

I did however like the way you combined your Psi powers with Jesus, basically saying that he was just naturally gifted with the Psionic abilities that he chose to use to benefit man kind and whilst it is not apparent at first Hynek mentioning the fact that Jesus once used his powers to heal some person called Tabitha was directly linked to what happens with Sarah at the end of the movie.

As for the actual script itself;

By what i know of formating, which considering I use software to do all mine and therefor don't really need to know it, is spot on. Everything was where it needs to be and properly indented and stuff.

The scene description were spot on for a movie script.  They gave enough information so that it was easy to follow and keep up with the story, keeping me (the reader) highly interested. On the same note they were not too long that it felt like you were reading a novel, which some people on here seem to have a problem with.  I have read some scripts and ended up thinking that if they deleted just some of the unnecessary descriptions they would no doubt cut the movie in half.

Whilst like I said the idea of people with powers is in no way original, and the idea shady government people and whatnot conducting experiments on them isn't either, how you handled the story was.  Seriously if I just came across this on a website somewhere I would think that this movie was written by an a-list hollywood screenwriter for a movie that was in the works as we speak (which I hope is or one day will be true) because it is just so well written.

Of course by well written I mean character and plot wise. I did notice a few grammar errors in your script.

You frequently have phrases such as "The gun summon someone" which I feel should read as "Someone summons the gun".  Luckily these few errors (which no doubt someone else has already listed) did not draw you away from the story, and in fact it was not until my second read through that I actually noticed them as the first time I was more interested in the story then anything else.

My personal likes and dislikes:

Well I liked the whole Psi power thing and I have always been interested in the subject of split personalities, which is why i enjoyed movies such as Fight Club and Primal Fear (funny enough both starring Edward Norton).  Sarah's character was very well developed. Even tho at first she just seemed like the typical girl who has just lost her mother and is not on real good terms with her father, when it is revealed that she is the Mime and that she once made herself forget about her powers because others treated her differently...that is until someone forced her to remember and thus woke the deadly personality of Mime, I felt that this elevated the character from a background throwaway one to someone with real depth and believability.

Dislikes.  Okay as I have already mentioned I liked the comparing of these people (Troy, Morbid, Sarah etc) with Psi powers and Jesus was a good move, but on a religious note I think you could have cut down on Morbids rantings about Jesus and what will happen to those who abuse their powers. In the end I actually had to skip a lot of Morbids dialogue because it started to get repetitive.

In ending I have to say that there is very little (actually very very very close to nothing) that I didn't like about this movie.  So much so that I have only one question...when can I book my tickets to go and see it?

Pumpkin and Zack

I appeciate at the 'review', but it really seems to me neither of you two actually read the whole script.

I get the feeling (and not just me) either you took things already mentioned by other reviews said and just highlighted somethings they mentiond so u didnt have to read it. Thus getting my reviews for free on ur shorts.

Neither of you bring up anything after past page 20 of the script.

In particularlly Pumpkin's thoughts about the Mime... those who has read the script know what I mean.

And Zack - i had informed you things to touch on and felt u danced around somethin anything specific. And u didnt even mention twists.

I sure hope I'm wrong  ... wouldnt be good for your reps around here

actually I did read the script, the one thing I did not read is any of the other reviews, basically because with 15 pages of them there are just too many to go through.

As for the Mime.  If you are referring to my comparing of him (well actually) and V (one of my fave movies) then that is also all me. Both wear masks and both use knives...it is quite easy to make the comparison.

As I said V did not have telekinesis which is different Oh and yes the fact that the Mime turns out to be Sarah is another one.  Tho they did move quite fast and were burned.

One thing I did notice

Quoted Text The gun summons to The Mime.

To tell the truth this is why I find it hard to write reviews because pretty much everything I want to say has normally already been said so it ends up looking like I just copied peoples

shouldn't that be "The Mime summons the gun" ? the way you have it doesn't really make sense because guns can't summon

Hey JD.

I'm sorry you feel that way. As I said, I'm not the greatest at doing reviews and it's obviuos here. I will admit that I rushed through this script(and I was reading acouple of others at the same time), but I assure you that I did read it. I wouldn't lie about something stupid like that. If it makes you feel better I'll check out your short in your signature as well.

~Zack~

P.S.- I personally thought I wrote a decent review, but I guess I'm used to writing reviews for shorts.

SPOILER************


Pumpkin - I'm referring to you repeatedly say the mime is a he and since it a major plot twist that it is a HER, seemed really funny neither of u mention Sarah

Zack - thanks but please dont bother, that short is bad reflection at my earlier days of writing =\

I'll read ur short pumpkin soon, but let it be known you two, r on people's watch list now  

Thanks again for the feedback guys