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I went through the 642 pages of reviews to find what I wrote on it earlier this year and then to compare what I thought of the new draft. I think the newer draft is far more tightened up and it brings you farther into the story, but at the same time I still felt there was some clumsiness going on.
Here are the notes I took which will help give a better idea at where I'm coming from:
*12-The dialogue before the crash seems unnecessary and actually kind of forced/cliched. They're driving along lalala Sarah, even though my relationship with your father stinks, I'm thankful to have you blah blah blah gets hit by truck. I think if they were talking about anything else at all it would have been better.
Great suggestion, i've been thinking about this scene and i will change it. i should use the scene to give johna more personality so can feel sympathy since she is about to die
*34-Sorry, there's all this build up to capturing Troy and there's all these cops outside the university and they take him in for questioning and then a minute later they let him go? Seems like a whole lot of build up to a whole lot of nothin'.
Your right and I'm goin to add a scene with Hartley, askin the same question, so it doesnt seem last a let down build up. Thx for bringing this back up.
but then again, would an FBI agent do that? They kinda need her there at the crime scene cause she witnessed it first hand...speaking of which, what about the robbers? They're still in there! I know they were beaten up a little bit, but they're certainly not dead.
No, proly, but i let it be just up in the air to grasp who gave her the info. But I can fix this since that it is morez, to clear things up.
*67-Good imagery with the electrocution. *75-This VO speech you have of Hynek here is really good where he says who wants the power, who has it, abuses it, etc. Good stuff.
*84-So Zahn is at the head of this thing, huh? Okay, well, I guess that repents a few of my earlier comments, but I've also got some new ones...actually, lemme just finish. *87-Again...the rape attempt...it just seems out of place.
Yep. I will re think this (rape) and see if I can make less ot of the blue.
And then you have Dr. Zaun who seems to have a completely different agenda and it appears that he's the prime antagonist here. I repeat, while I didn't feel overwhelmed, I still felt a little lost at times. I do like how you boosted up Zaun's character, but a day after finishing the script, I'm still not set in stone on Rallins or McCaine.
I will boost up rallins to make his goal clear on why he is in league with Arkon
Troy and Sarah I felt were much improved. Troy comes off as a strange guy -- almost too strange at times -- and I think that benefited him. I think what could benefit him more is just one more piece of personality to round him out. A quirk. A gag. A sense of humor. Something. That and another piece of backbone to help his relationship with Hartley.
Good deal, but i do see what u mean on adding alil something else to Troy
Man, with those two I felt one was going left and the other was going right, then the other would go right and the other would go left, but they'd never meet in the middle, so, while they spoke a lot, it seemed like they were different dimensions.
I know what u mean, but they did come together in the middle when she both agreed to take down zahn and sarah, at that moment they were working together for a greater good. Even tho Troy had one more trick up his sleeve Hartley didnt know.
I mean, she offers to help him, then he doesn't take it, then he wants it, then she doesn't, then she does, then they're running around, then she says thank you for apparently no reason at all other than to end everything on a happy note and make everyone go home satisfied.
She never said thank u to him for saving her at bar and also thanking him for helping her take Sarah and zahn down, that she was able to trust him
Hynek was cool, as always. I remember in the last draft I read, he was going on and on and on and on and on about all this stuff and just talking, but here you condensed it down and put it in a nice montage to explain it better.
Yea that was one of his problems, alot to explain without explaining too much and make it entertaining at the same time.
Are you planning a sequel for this? One thing I noticed was Arkon is this alpha guy, but he doesn't really have any first person involvement with anybody. And the way the story ends, it seems that you're going for a sequel. I liked how you included the story of how he got these powers and connected them to Jesus. Those additions were all big bonuses for me.
yes I am. Yea Arkon is apart of the story only for the setup for the sequel. So everyone knows there is a bigger challenge that awaits the anti heroes for their actions. Glad I was able to make the powers make sense/believable way then evolution.
One thing I wanna suggest in case you feel you want to add more...why not bring in some dorky Trekkie or something for more comic relief? I mean, you got the government the FBI, the cops, the CIA, NBC, TNT, NBA, lord knows who else..why not bring the sci-fi channel in, too? Just to liven things up a bit and glue down stuff. Just a thought...
I would like that but would effect over all tone, I will there try and add alil more comic relief that u suggested. The character u suggest here wil play more part which hynek, in the sequel, he is humorous
Noticed Stahl was gone. No complaints. Still feel sour on the rape attempt from Duncan. Still don't feel he's a primary character. He could probably be merged with Rallins and suddenly it's the stone that killed two birds.
I like this suggest tho it poses more story problems if i did which would need fixing but, anything is doable.
Now, after all my bitching about characters, I did like the addition of Morez. It's that kind of subtle quirkiness that this story needs a little more of. Aside from him and Hynek, this is 103 pages of really serious stuff. A good chuckle here and there can only help.
Storywise you did a good job of richening it up with more back story. The addition of the Arkon stuff, sharpening up of explanations, and I also felt a lot of the dialogue flowed better. So...kudos to you. Good job. Any questions or stuff let me know!
Good deal, thats what i was shooting for.
QUESTIONS:
I added more to morbid and changed his powers. He now has power of sound rather then telekinesis, was it noticeable? Along with dialogue and his traits?
Which the addition of Sarah's speaking scenes in the beginning,do u think it would give it away more she is the mime?
I added more to morbid and changed his powers. He now has power of sound rather then telekinesis, was it noticeable? Along with dialogue and his traits?
"Sound is great. Sound is pure. Sound is not what I need from you, no more."
When I saw the revisions of Morbid, I didn't really take note of the switch from telekinesis to sound, but rather just saw a character that was more rounded out. If it's a major flaw you're asking about, I didn't see it.
Quoted Text
Which the addition of Sarah's speaking scenes in the beginning,do u think it would give it away more she is the mime?
Tough question because having read this before I already knew what was coming. I skimmed back over the first 30 pages and, really, the only line that stings me is when Johna goes on her "you mean everything to me" tirade right before she's killed. Other than that, I don't think there was any single line that was too foreshadowing as to linking Sarah to the Mime.
If that doesn't totally answer your questions, let me know. Keep on crankin'!
I was really impressed with the action sequences. You had me on the edge of my seat. The descriptions were crystal clear, and the dialogue was great. I can tell you've put many hours into this.
I do have a few things that I would like to address though...
Your first slugline... shouldn't it be EXT. SKY - NIGHT?
My thoughts about the super and years... I'd omit the year 1987 from the first super, and where you have 2008, I'd just put 19 years later in its place.
I enjoyed watching the relationship between Troy, Sarah, and Johna unfold in the beginning. I really got into the story, but then on page 19 Troy just vanishes after walking down the alley, and I was taken somewhere else to a place 6 months later.
I was kind of like "What just happened here", and felt lost for a while.
Does it really have to be 6 months later?
What if after Troy disappears down the alley we see him fall on his bed and pass out?
That way when the Zahn Corp thing happens we'll think he is having another one of his dreams like Sarah had mentioned earlier...
You could have him wake up on page 23 before the classroom scene.
Then we'll think it was another dream... a miss lead, then the reveal (a turning point) will come on page 24 at the Pentagon.
On page 70 you have INT. ISLAND page 78 EXT. HYNEK - NIGHT
I felt so bad when Sarah died on page 94. I knew her evil side though, and I thought okay, maybe that was a good way for her to go out...
but then the end came... and I was very happy to see how it worked out for her, Troy, too.
You left the script open for a part II, too.
A very good read. Action packed, and very entertaining.
Thanks for calling my attention to it. I usually don't visit the Action section, and I found out that I've been missing a lot.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I was really impressed with the action sequences. You had me on the edge of my seat. The descriptions were crystal clear, and the dialogue was great. I can tell you've put many hours into this.
Thank you
I do have a few things that I would like to address though...
I enjoyed watching the relationship between Troy, Sarah, and Johna unfold in the beginning. I really got into the story, but then on page 19 Troy just vanishes after walking down the alley, and I was taken somewhere else to a place 6 months later.
I was kind of like "What just happened here", and felt lost for a while.
Does it really have to be 6 months later?
Well from that point in the alley to the 6 months later. Once ur gethru thru about half, u r too assume during those 6 month gap ( which is later brought up by sarah, that they hadnt talks in months ( but it says years, *fixd), that troy began drinking again. Sarah was abducted and seen hynek during this time.
What if after Troy disappears down the alley we see him fall on his bed and pass out?
That way when the Zahn Corp thing happens we'll think he is having another one of his dreams like Sarah had mentioned earlier... You could have him wake up on page 23 before the classroom scene. Then we'll think it was another dream... a miss lead, then the reveal (a turning point) will come on page 24 at the Pentagon.
Excellent idea, I will have to think up a way to implement this and still get across time has pass
A very good read. Action packed, and very entertaining.
Thanks for calling my attention to it. I usually don't visit the Action section, and I found out that I've been missing a lot.
Cindy
Thank u and ur welcome. Afew questions tho...
Was you able to see any plot twist coming? Exp. with sarah being the mime? (Since I added alot more of her and ur a fresh reader it would tell me if i did good on masking it...)
Was it believable that Troy could have been the mime?
Everything make sense? Anything felt odd/out of place?
Hey JD, I was shoocked when I found out she was the Mime. I thought it could have been him or someone else who was after him, but not her.
I thought the pacing was great.
The only thing that felt out of place was after he left the alley, and the next scene.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Hey, I read this earlier this past year, but never commented. Here are a few things I wanted to note:
-- Your description is excellent. I can see everything you are describing perfectly. The action is perfect.
--Your villain is good. You do a good job with the character.
--A couple of things I would work on (and I may have read an earlier draft—read it in Oct. 07):
Dialogue--It is good for some characters, but others don’t seem to speak as that person would. Not all of a line, but a few words here or there need to be changed to be more in character—if you know what I mean.
Second Act – pacing needs to be a little better. It drags at times.
--Overall, the story was good and it was well written.
--A couple of things I would work on (and I may have read an earlier draft�read it in Oct. 07):
Dialogue--It is good for some characters, but others don�t seem to speak as that person would. Not all of a line, but a few words here or there need to be changed to be more in character�if you know what I mean.
Second Act � pacing needs to be a little better. It drags at times.
--Overall, the story was good and it was well written.
I hope to read more of your work soon.
Yea I did correct these things in most recent draft post edearly Jan 08. Thanks again!
Jarran, I have just finished your script and have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are many aspects of this script that I liked, yet there are many things that could be changed to make this more effective.
PREMISE - Firstly, you have a fantastic idea here, very very bankable, and I believe with a little more work on this, it could sell. The way you go back to Jerusalem and touch on powers and so on was very relistic, and due to the information you provided it was believable. The whole psi factor etc.
PLOT - I liked your plot but there were certain things which I didn't like. Sarah's boyfriend was totally irrelevant to the story and was not needed what so ever, it didn't even make a dent in the plot so was not needed. I loved your first scenes because the action and suspense was fantastic, you're quick transitions to other scenes and introduction to Morbid where great, and I was truelly getting into the story. I was hooked. However at the start, there were times where I was having to go back because so many different things were happening at once. I didn't really like the mall scene when Sarah and her mother where there. I think the scene could possibly have taken place in the car and then the crash happening. There is also a scene which dispised when a drunken Troy stumbles past a restaurant to "ideally" see Sarah and a guy. It seems too convenient to me and could easilly have been done somewhere else that did not sound so unrealistic. Your twist did shock me, I didn't see it coming at all, but with this revelation I started to think many things could have been done better. The whole jargon on the monkeys and melons, I didn't really like, it was as if Hynek was trying to reveal this great discovery which was just drawn out and was not really that interesting. Also a scene earlier on where we are shown Troy is a lecturer at a University or something (could have been dropped in conversation earlier on so it wouldn't have came as such a random surprise). You're ending was good I thought, and I liked the way Troy manipulated Hartley. Your last scene I liked because I knew there was going to be a sequel.
CHARECTERISATION - You have far too many characters and I can't tell you how many times I got confused about who was who. I'm surprised if you were not confused writing them into the script. I like Troy, strong leading man but needs some work. I just didn't like Sarah at all, she was acting like a little immature girl (possibly your intention, but if she is going to be included in a sequel then I think she should be made at least a little more likeable), this being even before the twist. I liked Hartley a lot, she was a very likeable character and you don't need to delve there at all. As for your plethora of other characters (which I'm not even going to reach the surface of), I feel Morbid was fairly sinister to begin with and gradually that sinisism faded away (the first sign of this when he took Marc along with him to that mansion - something Morbid said took this away from me).
ACTION - You have great action scenes, a lot of suspense, and this is continued throughout the whole script. At times I was pausing for breath because I was reading so fast, which is very good. However there are times where you tend to become a tad repetative by beginning so many paragraphs with the same character names, "Troy did this, Troy did that..". But I feel your flashbacks did go at a good pace and revealed just enough at that moment in time to move the story on.
DIALOGUE - Sometimes good, sometimes not. Even simple things like adding too many exclamation marks can change the flow and sound of the dialogue. Sometimes Troy's was a little sticky. You mentioned earlier in the script that Troy was white, so when his wife was introduced, I assumed the same. But when she blurted out with, "Momma still got the goods", in the department store, I cringed at how bad that sounded. However, Morbid's muttering all of these things was great in defining his character as unique, and because he is doing it in russian it would make it far more sinister to watch on screen, possibly with subtitles.
PROOF READING - When you mention that this is the 5th of 6th draft, I am slightly concerned becase there are far too many simple mistakes throughout that should be corrected. Too many inconsistent sluglines and typos which should be corrected. No way I could name them all but there is a large amount which I feel should be corrected as this is a later draft. You also refer to O.S and O.C, when you should keep it consistent and stay with one. Yeah, these are only minor things but I think you should sort them out.
EFFECTS - There are certain aspects of your script which added that certain jae noe sei que. For example, I like you're transition between scenes on page 76 with the Hynek Voice Over. I think that worked really well. I could picture it happening on screen and went at good pace. Your structure was also fine, all the revelations made at the correct times and everything.
This is probably the longest review I've ever written and I apologise if I've talked total and utter crap. This was a great script, but with these brush ups it would be near enough to flawless, and you deliver one genius line which made me burst out laughing throughout when considering the context Troy was in.
TROY How about I give a dollar and you put on some mood music?
Jarran, I have just finished your script and have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are many aspects of this script that I liked, yet there are many things that could be changed to make this more effective.
Thank you for your time and quick turn around on the exchange!
PREMISE - Firstly, you have a fantastic idea here, very very bankable, and I believe with a little more work on this, it could sell. The way you go back to Jerusalem and touch on powers and so on was very relistic, and due to the information you provided it was believable. The whole psi factor etc.
Thank you, its been a long road with the rewrites. My first drafts really were sh1t. Alot of things from others movies and I kinda of knew it. One reader/member (tonkatough) pointed out to me, so after that i knew i had to have my own voice. Like my 1st 3 or 4 drafts,never gave a explanation or their powers lol, no hynek, no arkon/morbid
PLOT - I liked your plot but there were certain things which I didn't like. Sarah's boyfriend was totally irrelevant to the story and was not needed what so ever, it didn't even make a dent in the plot so was not needed.
You are right. I wanted that, becuz I wanted the twist of the reveal of the mime be a real surprise. So If I had a throw off character that could possibly be the mime, less focus of sarah. Cuz you always have to see the killer in everyone movies within 1st 30 mintues so the reveal has more of that " Oooh"
I loved your first scenes because the action and suspense was fantastic, you're quick transitions to other scenes and introduction to Morbid where great, and I was truelly getting into the story. I was hooked.
Thanks! I had so many rewrites on the first 30 pages its not even funny.
However at the start, there were times where I was having to go back because so many different things were happening at once. I didn't really like the mall scene when Sarah and her mother where there. I think the scene could possibly have taken place in the car and then the crash happening.
Then that would have been in a long car ride, and got a little boring quick. The mall is to show the type of woman Johna, and her dimensions. At the same time showing sarah's interests in her father and mother gettin back together
There is also a scene which dispised when a drunken Troy stumbles past a restaurant to "ideally" see Sarah and a guy. It seems too convenient to me and could easilly have been done somewhere else that did not sound so unrealistic.
You are right, but can happen. There are cities that have centralized places for night life where, entertainment district is common. Bars and high class restaurants along a strip
Your twist did shock me, I didn't see it coming at all, but with this revelation I started to think many things could have been done better. The whole jargon on the monkeys and melons, I didn't really like, it was as if Hynek was trying to reveal this great discovery which was just drawn out and was not really that interesting. Also a scene earlier on where we are shown Troy is a lecturer at a University or something (could have been dropped in conversation earlier on so it wouldn't have came as such a random surprise).
Hmm, well i think you are only 2nd person who didnt find it interesting with the monkeys, and everyone else found it fascinating. none the less u cant please everyone. The experiment is real and was done.. u can google it. Its purpose is a metaphor for the human race to help understand how everyone can eventually do it, if taught how.
troy in the classroom served many purposes. Character dimension - the state of mind he is in, what he does for a living, plant for foreshadowing Hynek, exposition on energy with "newton's cradle". All these things hit in a short amount of scene time there.
CHARECTERISATION - You have far too many characters and I can't tell you how many times I got confused about who was who. I'm surprised if you were not confused writing them into the script.
High concept movies generally have alot of characters in them. Difference is u get to plant a face with the name to help remember. And especially when u gotta have the side plots
I just didn't like Sarah at all, she was acting like a little immature girl (possibly your intention, but if she is going to be included in a sequel then I think she should be made at least a little more likeable), this being even before the twist.
Hmm, yes, but I had hoped by the time it gets to the end you would root for her. Sorry this didnt work for you.
Was her reasoing for her problems unidentifiable for you?
I liked Hartley a lot, she was a very likeable character and you don't need to delve there at all. As for your plethora of other characters (which I'm not even going to reach the surface of), I feel Morbid was fairly sinister to begin with and gradually that sinisism faded away (the first sign of this when he took Marc along with him to that mansion - something Morbid said took this away from me).
Thanks! Morbid - well he was more sinister at a young as since it starts when his 28, and now he is in his 40's . one would think with time grown more wise or a different outlook then a younger age
ACTION - You have great action scenes, a lot of suspense, and this is continued throughout the whole script. At times I was pausing for breath because I was reading so fast, which is very good. However there are times where you tend to become a tad repetative by beginning so many paragraphs with the same character names, "Troy did this, Troy did that..". But I feel your flashbacks did go at a good pace and revealed just enough at that moment in time to move the story on.
Gracious! Those repeated lines that u point out are ACTIOn line and different from description paragraph so i need to indicate who Im giving stage direction to without saying 'camera shot'
DIALOGUE -Troy's was a little sticky. You mentioned earlier in the script that Troy was white, so when his wife was introduced, I assumed the same. But when she blurted out with, "Momma still got the goods", in the department store, I cringed at how bad that sounded.
I really dont see the problem with this line and yes all the characters are white except who i point out isnt. You would b the 1st person to mention this as something bad of a line.
However, Morbid's muttering all of these things was great in defining his character as unique, and because he is doing it in russian it would make it far more sinister to watch on screen, possibly with subtitles.
yes sir! I'm been toying with that thought of subtitles but Im leaning on just not knowing what he is saying, but know it sounds sinister in russian ;0)
EFFECTS - There are certain aspects of your script which added that certain jae noe sei que. For example, I like you're transition between scenes on page 76 with the Hynek Voice Over. I think that worked really well. I could picture it happening on screen and went at good pace. Your structure was also fine, all the revelations made at the correct times and everything.
This was a great script, but with these brush ups it would be near enough to flawless, and you deliver one genius line which made me burst out laughing throughout when considering the context Troy was in.
TROY How about I give a dollar and you put on some mood music?
Thank you for your time and quick turn around on the exchange!
troy in the classroom served many purposes. Character dimension - the state of mind he is in, what he does for a living, plant for foreshadowing Hynek, exposition on energy with "newton's cradle". All these things hit in a short amount of scene time there.
I didn't actually have a problem with the scene at all, I agree with you that it had to be done to reveal many things. Just thought it would be better to mention he was working there earlier on in the script.
Was her reasoing for her problems unidentifiable for you?
I wouldn't say I couldn't identify with her problems because yeah she is stuck in the middle between her mother and father, and she feels angry he didn't use his powers, but she is 24, and I think she was portrayed as a teenager.
Morbid - well he was more sinister at a young as since it starts when his 28, and now he is in his 40's . one would think with time grown more wise or a different outlook then a younger age
I wasn't saying he lost this sinisterness because he got older, there is a scene when Morbid takes Marc to that place to meet that guy (haha sorry I'm not to much help with the details of the scene), Morbid seemed mysterious and boss like before but he comments on him not being sure about bringing Marc, it kind of took that scaryness away from him. Ucht I don'y know what I am saying haha.
Here's the review, as promised. This was a great read - there's A LOT going on, but credit to you that I could follow it. I'm afraid I don't tend to bother going on about all the good bits of a script in my reviews, so if I don't mention it, I like!
OK, first up I noticed a lot of typos / grammatical errors - this is going to seem really anal but I guess you'd like to know about them;
P7 “The same play you promised me YOU’D / WE’D (not "to") go to…”
unnecessary question mark after the cont’d
P9 Should be “I remember when you WERE eight… any flavour OTHER THAN sherbert”
Should be “I would have COME”
P13 don’t think you mean SUMMONS – maybe “flies” or “is summoned”, summons sounds like the phone is doing the summoning rather than being summoned
P16 Should be “Easy to say when all I wantED was to…”
P26 Not sure enabling is the right word – endowing / empowering?
P27 “He has been under the radar till [here] recently...” - get rid of [here]
P33 “You think you’ve gone fishing I’m going to bite on anything you throw at me” - not sure what this means, think there's a word or two missing
P40 Should be “I’m going to find OUT everything about you…”
P50 Should be “Shade fitS / fitTED the profile…”
P51 “Your day will befall you” - not sure "befall" is the right work, think you mean “Your day will come / arrive”
P52 “..to be rid of a basket case like you[.] Sarah needs..” should be a comma, not a full stop / period
P69 “You need to explain what is happening an how [do] I stop it” - delete the [do]
P70 Scientists cautiously extend[S] - delete the [s]
P71 “enough of the young ones did it[.] The older ones…” - should be a comma, not a period
P73 Should be The Scientists looked perplexED
74 “we haven’t talked in months [years]” - think you need to delete either months or years
P76 Should be The MOLECULAR breakdown
P79 “removed these scriptures. In fear that man…” should be “these scriptures for fear that...”
“from then out[.] He let it…” should be a comma not a period
P80 “…showed the monkeys[.] We would…” should be a comma, not a period
P88 “…eyes on you[.] I’ve had a…” should be a comma, not a period
“…with your boyfriend[.] I’m going to…” should be a comma, not a period
P93 Should be “No such thing AS innocence…”
And now the proper stuff...
There were a couple of scenes I felt you didn't need or could improve;
P12 Don’t like Johna’s “I really love you” speech – it's a bit heavy handed. I think you’ve set up the relationship very well in the preceding scene – why not just have them both singing along to the radio and then… BAM!
p17-19 Both of these scenes feel a little clumsy and forced. I actually don't think you need either of them. From the funeral we know Sarah is mad at Troy and I think you could show later, maybe during the classroom scenes, that they are no longer talking (maybe have a calendar on his desk, showing that today is her birthday - he tries calling buit she doesn't answer, something like that). The scene with the gangsters I didn't like - I know why you included it but I don't think it's really necessary. It also causes a problem later in the bar scene when he does decide to act but as far as we can tell nothing has happened in the intervening period to make him change his view on his powers.
P20 Who’s “Hill” – Patrol 8? Think this might be name left over from a previous draft - it needs deleting
P44 Kent and Hartley having a past relationship – too much of a coincidence for me and doesn’t add anything to the plot. I'd drop it.
P48 I thought Hartley would have to use this shielding later on but it never makes a reappearance (apart from in conversation with Hynek) – I think you should try and use it, it's a missed opportunity
P54 Wouldn’t they have surrounded the house before throwing the grenade in?
P65 What’s with the scene with the taxi? Is it a flashback? I take it you're showing how self-conscious she is about what's happened to her but it doesn’t fit in here.
The Monkey experiment - really interesting (is it real? Think I might have heard of it before) but it takes up a lot of space and I don't think it adds anything to the plot other than to suggest that mastery of Psi would propagate throughout the human race if enough people learned it - don't think that really justifies 4 pages.
P88 I think you need to foreshadow the attempted rape more – all we have so far is that one look when they first meet. They are in a number of other scenes together, have Duncan hit on her and her shoot him down and embarrass him or something
P95 "Troy’s glowing red arm is on the other side of Morbid" – not quite clear what's happened here, did he punch right through him?
P96 / 97 I Don’t understand this scene with Arkon? What’s with the window?
I also felt there were a number of, for want of a better phrase, plot holes - maybe I've missed something or maybe it's because you've added bit in successive drafts and haven't quite tied them all together yet, but I didn't understand the following;
1) Why doesn't Morbid kill Troy at the start? What's he there for if not to kill him? I'm assuming he thinks Troy's dead but Troy regenerates? But then Arkon seems to know that Sarah isn't dead? I'm confused
2) re Marc - Morbid's been working for Arkon for 20+ years, surely he know not to "bring someone into the circle" without Arkon's permission?
3) Why did Zahn let Sarah go in the first place? Couldn't he use her to unlock the secret of Psi? Why did he need Troy?
4) Why did Sarah steal Troy's file from Zahn Corp? Don't think this was ever explained
5) If Zahn is in league with the NSA, how is that he couldn't find Troy sooner? I can't imagine you could be that under the radar if you're a teacher
6) Sarah's split personality kind of comes out of nowhere. Has she always had it (would be an interesting addition to her character) or is it a result of Zahn's experiment. She seems to be able to control it a bit... I'd like to know more about "how it works"
7) How did Sarah know where Kent was being held? And if she wanted him dead, why not just kill him at the Zahn Corp building - she was weak but all she had to do was slit his throat...
8. Why did Troy suddenly decide to use his powers in the bar robbery? We haven't seen anything to indicate a change in his attitude so this felt wrong to me
And finally, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how much is going on in this. I followed it, so nice work keeping it clear, but personally I could do with a little less to keep track of - I think you could cut out McCaine and Rallins - they only seem to serve as a way of Morbid / Arkon finding out where Troy is. Can't one of the other characters be used for this (Morez?)
Phew, that's it. It's a strong script and I'm sorry that I haven't laboured on its strength's but they don't need changing, right? If there's any other particular points you'd like me to comment on just shout.
Cheers
Adam
Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;
Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)
Here's the review, as promised. This was a great read - there's A LOT going on, but credit to you that I could follow it. I'm afraid I don't tend to bother going on about all the good bits of a script in my reviews, so if I don't mention it, I like!
There were a couple of scenes I felt you didn't need or could improve;
P12 Don�t like Johna�s �I really love you� speech � it's a bit heavy handed. I think you�ve set up the relationship very well in the preceding scene � why not just have them both singing along to the radio and then� BAM!
You r not the only one, so i went ahead and took this advance. Its changed and updated
p17-19 Both of these scenes feel a little clumsy and forced. I actually don't think you need either of them. From the funeral we know Sarah is mad at Troy and I think you could show later, maybe during the classroom scenes, that they are no longer talking (maybe have a calendar on his desk, showing that today is her birthday - he tries calling buit she doesn't answer, something like that). The scene with the gangsters I didn't like - I know why you included it but I don't think it's really necessary. It also causes a problem later in the bar scene when he does decide to act but as far as we can tell nothing has happened in the intervening period to make him change his view on his powers.
I did shortn the alley scene by removing the flashback. Troy will elaborate n this ate so it makes sense. The restaurant scene is to push his goal and what he wants and so yet sarah is mad there is still a sad of her that feels for Troy, with the last look of good bye.
P48 I thought Hartley would have to use this shielding later on but it never makes a reappearance (apart from in conversation with Hynek) � I think you should try and use it, it's a missed opportunity
U are not the first to say but, thats not what I was goin for, its the plant so u know why when people with the power fight, they cant directly use their power to harm their inner body, as suppose to people who dont shield.
P65 What�s with the scene with the taxi? Is it a flashback? I take it you're showing how self-conscious she is about what's happened to her but it doesn�t fit in here.
No this scene is to show yes her self consciousness and where she works and that she left troy alone at her house in hopes he would be gone when she got back.
i Did add to this to u get this feeling that it wasnt misplaced
P88 I think you need to foreshadow the attempted rape more � all we have so far is that one look when they first meet. They are in a number of other scenes together, have Duncan hit on her and her shoot him down and embarrass him or something
I also thought about this and glad u mentioned it. i added this in. Good one
1) Why doesn't Morbid kill Troy at the start? What's he there for if not to kill him? I'm assuming he thinks Troy's dead but Troy regenerates? But then Arkon seems to know that Sarah isn't dead? I'm confused
im goin to explain here and yes it wasnt quite clear but i added this explanation in the script.n
Troy can Heal, which Morbid though he was dead. Arkon can feel the psi they use and the more then "abuse" the faster he can locate them. Its like their aura stamps on the energy they put out. Troy stops using any fo his power after the brazil incident, so they wouldnt know he is still alive.
Arkon know she isnt dead becuz when she resurrects the energy is projected out. I have now implemented this brief explanation to take care of this question.
Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate it very much
3) Why did Zahn let Sarah go in the first place? Couldn't he use her to unlock the secret of Psi? Why did he need Troy?
to get to Troy and also becuz she can't heal. He wants Troy becuz he believes that Troy can regenerate. Zahn hinted at this at the pentagon saying Troy returned home without a scratch yet 8 team members died, and so at the end it comes together Zahn was sick/dying so he had to get Troy's power asap.
I made this alil more clearer in the script now. thank u
6) Sarah's split personality kind of comes out of nowhere. Has she always had it (would be an interesting addition to her character) or is it a result of Zahn's experiment. She seems to be able to control it a bit... I'd like to know more about "how it works"
This came from the experiment from Zahn which went bad
7) How did Sarah know where Kent was being held? And if she wanted him dead, why not just kill him at the Zahn Corp building - she was weak but all she had to do was slit his throat...
8. Why did Troy suddenly decide to use his powers in the bar robbery? We haven't seen anything to indicate a change in his attitude so this felt wrong to me
Fixed... I made this more clear. reason: troy comes to the realization he doesnt have anything else to lose now since he doesnt have anyone after the fall out with Sarah and months passing and still no talking
And finally, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how much is going on in this. I followed it, so nice work keeping it clear, but personally I could do with a little less to keep track of - I think you could cut out McCaine and Rallins - they only seem to serve as a way of Morbid / Arkon finding out where Troy is. Can't one of the other characters be used for this (Morez?)
I dunno, I guess to me, elaborate story that is clear is more compelling to me. Like 'Departed'
It adds to alot of cover ups and things for the sequel
Phew, that's it. It's a strong script and I'm sorry that I haven't laboured on its strength's but they don't need changing, right? If there's any other particular points you'd like me to comment on just shout.
Thank you and yes.
How did the dialogue over all feel to u? Yours in Redballoons is great. Was the reason for psi believable to you?
Did u feel for troy, Sarah or Hartley? More or less involved to see them make it? And well sarah since she is technically 'bad guy, anti hero
Any of the twists u see coming? Anything predictable?
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