SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: « ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 34831 views)
Limey
Posted: February 21st, 2008, 8:14am Report to Moderator
New


Location
London
Posts
33
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from JD_OK
U are not the first to say but, that not what I was goin when, its the plant so u know why when people with the power fight, they cant directly use their power to harm their inter body, as suppose to people who dont shield.

Ah, didn't even think of that. Fair enough, then  


Quoted from JD_OK
No this scene is to show yes her self consciousness and where she works and that she left troy alone at her house in hopes he would be gone when she got back.

I didn't really understand when it was happening and how it linked into the other scenes at her house because before this we don't see Troy at her house and after it we don't see her arrive home and say "oh, you're still here". I think you need to add a bit more in to explain it, but that's just my opinion  


Quoted from JD_OK
Troy can Heal, which Morbid though he was dead. Arkon can feel the psi they use and the more then "abuse" the faster he can locate them. Its like their aura stamps on the energy they put out. Troy stops using any fo his power after the brazil incident, so they wouldnt know he is still alive. Arkon know she isnt dead becuz when she resurrects the energy is projected out.  I have now implemented this brief explanation  to take care of this question.

Ok, that's pretty much what I assumed. A bit more explantion as to Arkon's ability to locate sounds like a good addition.


Quoted from JD_OK
I give a brief one now. its becuz, They are in the same file. remember its Zahn telling us what he wants us to believe.

Ah, that Zahn's a tricky fellow  . I'd still like to see a line or two at the start of p66 when Sarah opens the file to show that it covers both her and Troy but again, that's just my opinion


Quoted from JD_OK
She just does =p

Ha ha!



Quoted from JD_OK
Fixed... I made this more clear. reason: troy comes to the realization he doesnt have anything else to lose now since he doesnt have anyone after the fall out with Sarah and months passing and still no talking

I like that, makes sense.


Quoted from JD_OK
It adds to alot of cover ups and things for the sequel

Leaving yourself with lots of options - nice work  


Quoted from JD_OK
How did the dialogue all over feel to u?

The dialogue was fine - there wasn't anything that jumped out as being forced or unrealistic, so good work I'd say


Quoted from JD_OK
Was the reason for psi believable to you?

I thought it was fine, as good as any "popcorn" logic. To be honest I didn't really worry about how it worked but I liked the way you linked it into Christ and his abilities.


Quoted from JD_OK
Did u feel for troy, Sarah or Hartley? More or less involved to see them make it? And well sarah since she is technically 'bad guy, anti hero

Yep, I was rooting for them. As I mentioned I think you could spend a little more time on Sarah's split personality and the "laws" it follows - what is it driving her to do? General mayhem or revenge on Zahn? How much can she control it? And are there any particular triggers that cause The Mime to take over? etc.


Quoted from JD_OK
Any of the twists u see coming? Anything predictable?

Nope, they all worked for me. I'd be surprised if anyone guessed Sarah was the Mime because there was nothing before the reveal hinting that she has any kind of Psi powers (in fact the scene where Johna dies implies that she definitely doesn't).

Hope this helps


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/

Revision History (1 edits)
Limey  -  February 21st, 2008, 8:26am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 270 - 280
Soap Hands
Posted: April 4th, 2008, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Idaho
Posts
226
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey,

I'm reposting my review. I, on a whim, saved it in word cause I had a bad feeling about something. You know, in my gut. Well, anyway it paid off. I didn't however save my responses to your responses. Nor do I remember your questions, so you're out of luck on that for the moment.

Anyway, here you go:

Hey,

This had a lot of things that I usually like in my action movies: guns, marines, guys in masks, Russians, ominous Asian men, the Force. And in mixing them here, this script was no exception.

I liked it.

That said, I do have some criticisms. Mostly a lot of little things that I can overlook for this type of movie but if you fixed them, all the better.

The biggest problem for me was that I felt it got kind of convoluted around pages 70ish through early 80s, where there were a lot of the explanations, short scenes, and jumping around. My problem here isn’t really comprehension, I understood alright, but more about pacing. I felt like it was going too fast and too much information was being forced on me. You had a lot of stuff going on though and it needs to be dealt with before you move on, so I don’t know if you can handle this better then you have.

Your explanation of Psi I didn’t find that satisfying. First of all, maybe I missed something, but I think there were a couple jumps in logic from the monkey thing(shared consciousness, damn you Jung!!!) to the Jesus thing and the telekinesis explanation(frankly, it came off a little confused to me). Also, I think you should just make up something instead of saying quantum theory. It’s use bothered me and I don’t think it’s that much work to make something up. But anyway, dissatisfaction with the god given latent power explanation is not a big deal. I’ve gotten over bigger things in some of my most beloved movies.

Zahn I felt was a little lacking. I think it would be nice if he were developed a little more. I know he’s not there for much, but it just felt too mechanical how it served his function then remember to go reset the circuit breakers, only to be killed latter in a flashback(kind of lamely).

I think it would be nice if Morbid demonstrated his power somewhere again before his last fight, to impress us more. I was much more excited about the Troy versus the Mime fight then the last one, mostly because the Mime had thoroughly demonstrated its self to be a worthy adversary. Not to say that morbid didn’t do anything, but I think you need to up the ante again, we’ve already seen Troy fight the Mime. The pickaxes didn’t do anything for me, btw. If anything they detracted.

How was the situation between Morbid and Troy resolved in the beginning, during Troy’s mission? You mentioned that he got back unharmed, but how? Did Morbid let him go? You left me hanging on that one.

I would have liked to see Sarah’s psychosis explored some more. You didn’t do much with it.  

You have this line about the DNA from the glass shard at Zhan Corps(from Sarah) matching Troy’s DNA. I think the test would be able to differentiate between father and daughter. I mean, I’ve seen paternity tests where it distinguishes between to brothers(god bless you, Maury) and I figure their DNA would be closer then between father and daughter. But again, not a big deal.  

If these people have all these crazy powers why did they bother with knives and stuff. Easily overlooked though, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Why didn’t Neo just explode people’s brains while in the matrix? Lol.  

Alright, I’ll go out with positive stuff.

You totally got me on the mime’s identity. I’m kind of embarrassed actually, I usually get that stuff and it was so, so, so, obvious. You did a good job with that.

I also really loved the mime character. Disregard the V for Vendetta stuff, tons of characters have masks, theatrically themed masks too.  And I absolutely love masked characters where you get to guess at their identities. Although, while I’m on the subject, the church “I might kill again!” scene kind of came out of nowhere and went nowhere. But I’ll eagerly overlook it cause it was cool. 

I also really liked the baptism scene with Morbid. That played out really cool in my head. Did I mention that I love Russians.

Arkon was also cool. I look forward to his future kun fu fighting.

Overall all, I liked it. It was a fairly entertaining read. You have some good action scenes and some cool characters. I even feel comfortable saying that it gives “The Burnout” a run for its money, you even probably have the better story, but I guess I don’t want to get in the middle of that. lol

sheepwalker

  
Pg 3 “imbedded into his rifle”, “strikes into his temple” the “into’s” while adding clarity, also seem a little redundant to me. It also breaks up its flow. I’ve noticed this in a couple of your descriptions. *coming back after finishing the entire thing* I didn’t notice it much after this scene. I don’t know what happened, I guess you stopped doing it or I got used to it. If the second one is the case, I guess you don’t have to worry about this.

Pg 28 I don’t think its necessary to repeat  morbid’s age

Pg what was the point of the morbid on a plane scene?

Pg 41 “…They have nothing left to lose” reads weird to me

Pg 43 “shells gather harmlessly into his hand” I think pellets is a more accurate term then shells.

Pg 47 don’t get the energy can’t pass through you now thing

Pg 53 some of the dialog in this scene feel too expository

Pg. 55 If he takes her cell phone while she’s talking on it doesn’t she notice. Why isn’t there a reaction?

Pg 58 why would the mime toss the gun at troy? Do you mean throw? Certainly he knows that that isn’t going to do much.

Pg 62 nice twist but I think the blood test would be able to differentiate between them? Unless, there’s something else yet to unfold?

Pg 67 If they were so willing to use the drug why did they bother with a shock collar?

Pg 73 I’d consider calling your quantum theory thing something else

Pg 74 “you around”,  “ if you were around”

Pg 76 “haven’t use the gift”,   “haven’t used the gift”

Pg 77 didn’t like your science explanation. I felt pretty unsatisfied. And how did you go from group consciousness with the monkeys to recreating reality with belief. If you meant that the monkeys were able to do it because the scientists believed that they could, you should make that more clear.

Pg 89 I think you use the word trained(i.e. trained gun a Jenkins) too much. Mix it up some more.

Pg 101 “come forth”, sounds weird to me







  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 271 - 280
Sham
Posted: June 26th, 2008, 3:02am Report to Moderator
New



Location
USA
Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey, JD!

You have a strong premise here, but your logline needs work.

Before: When a supernatural killer breaks into a military facility and top secret files are stolen. The government goes after the only man documented to have this ability, Troy Kneddic. Troy, now on the run, goes through a whirl wind of lies and deception. He must even question his own sanity if he is to over come this obstacle to find the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.

Fixed: When a supernatural killer steals a military facility’s top-secret files, the government targets Troy Kneddic, the only man documented to have this ability. Now on the run, Troy goes through a whirlwind of lies and deception, questioning his own sanity as he searches for the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.

I’m not saying to use my example word-for-word. I just think it’s possible to tighten yours up so it reads better for anyone who’s never heard of your script before.

As for your actual screenplay, your first ten pages are great, and I don’t see them getting much better than they are now. I’m assuming your script has gone through several drafts, especially considering how many replies you’ve gotten on this thread. The draft of Newton’s Cradle I’m reading now looks very good. The descriptions are clean and are a breeze to read. Your dialogue is believable and natural. Everything looks and sounds good so far.

Page 12, and this is where your story grabbed me emotionally. Your main character now has a flaw, and I’m curious how this is going to correlate with things to come. I also like your transition from the fatal car wreck to Morbid praying at the altar. It made me question what he was praying for and if his prayer was answered.

Page 17, and this is really terrific with the Mexican kid’s alley struggle. I’m not sure I understand the very small flashback of Troy and Morbid, but maybe you’ll come back to that in the future and explain its significance. I’m assuming the Mexican kid was killed. Did not see that coming at all. I was very surprised.

Page 20; I could see this action sequence involving The Mime really working onscreen.

Page 25; “What? Remove the God damn suck ball from your pie hole and speak like you have pair!” I laughed out loud when I read this.

Page 25; I had no idea that those office decoration things were called a Newton’s Cradle. Now I understand where you got the title of your script.

Page 29; Great entrance for Arkon. The liquid staircase is a fantastic visual.

Page 32; “I know I didn't shower today, but I bet I don't smell like fish, so stop trying to bate me.” Love it.

Page 40; This is an excellent time to unleash Troy’s power, and you’ve handled it well.

Page 46; “Conveniences is for those who believe things to be too easy.” Is should be are.

Page 46; Great job explaining how Troy’s power weakens him the more he uses it because he’s transferring energy. I wasn’t a fan of your script title before reading the entire thing, but now I can’t imagine anything else. It really works.

There’s a minor formatting issue on page 50. “Harley exits” should be flush left.

Page 51; Haha, I liked the lollipop exploding. I could picture this getting plenty of laughs when filmed.

I think my only complaint up to this point is that, beyond Troy, his family, and Morbid, the characters aren’t very complex or engaging. Hartley has some potential, and I can only hope she has a larger role in the third act.

Page 56; “Hmmm, let me think... Nope, my only way out of this is if I find him myself.” Not a big fan of this dialogue. It sorta stuck out to me as being overly sarcastic, which is a shame because it’s not even that big of a line.

Page 62; Wow, I was definitely not expecting Sarah behind the mime mask. Nice twist.

You have a couple grammar mistakes throughout. Most are very minor, so just keep an eye out when you go through this…again.

Page 76; “At first none of the lil' bastards wanted nothing to do with it.” Nothing should be anything.

Page 84; Nice job with the explanation/flashbacks. It’s a little heavy on wordiness, but I was interested throughout. Is this monkey business real? I’m curious.

Done!

Great job, JD. This was a pleasure to read. The action was well-choreographed, and you have a couple of surprising twists throughout. The biggest strength of your script is terrific visuals: the aforementioned water staircase; the pool table balls flying at robbers; not to mention the nifty chase scene with The Mime floating down to the ground and effortlessly avoiding the chain-link fence. All of it felt smooth, stylized, and practical.

The only thing I’d do different is remove a few minor characters and use their purpose for existing superior ones. It’s easier to keep track of who’s who that way, and the characters would become more momentous.

Other than that minor gripe, excellent work. This is a perfect example of creativity and hard work paying off. This is something to be proud of.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 272 - 280
JD_OK
Posted: June 28th, 2008, 1:58am Report to Moderator
New


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

Location
Tulsa,OK
Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Sham
Hey, JD!

You have a strong premise here, but your logline needs work.


yeah lol thanks for the modified version! I havent updated that logline for almost 2 yrs so yeah, long over due.



Quoted from Sham


As for your actual screenplay, your first ten pages are great, and I don’t see them getting much better than they are now. I’m assuming your script has gone through several drafts, especially considering how many replies you’ve gotten on this thread.


Thanks. Yeah its been through 8 or 9 drafts. Its takin me awhile to actually grasp character developement, its like I kept improving the story but the characters dimensions was always lacking up until here currently.


Quoted from Sham

The draft of Newton’s Cradle I’m reading now looks very good. The descriptions are clean and are a breeze to read. Your dialogue is believable and natural. Everything looks and sounds good so far.


This is what I was hoping to get. My dialogue was one of my weakest points and i've struggled to get it up to par. You have good sense of creating dialog from what I read in Red Light.

Quoted from Sham

Page 12, and this is where your story grabbed me emotionally. Your main character now has a flaw, and I’m curious how this is going to correlate with things to come. I also like your transition from the fatal car wreck to Morbid praying at the altar. It made me question what he was praying for and if his prayer was answered.


Took me several drafts before this came into play ;p, thank you for stating where it moved you.

Morbid altar room is one of my strongest scenes IMHO


Quoted from Sham


Page 17, and this is really terrific with the Mexican kid’s alley struggle. I’m not sure I understand the very small flashback of Troy and Morbid, but maybe you’ll come back to that in the future and explain its significance. I’m assuming the Mexican kid was killed. Did not see that coming at all. I was very surprised.


Did you get why the flashback was there by the end?

if not... It shows why Troy fears using his powers against people... fearing morbid/circle will come back after him. Thus not helping Johna


Quoted from Sham


Page 20; I could see this action sequence involving The Mime really working onscreen.


Originally the who attack ran like 8 pages long hehe... got it to 3 pages with alot of cutting of things i wanted to see also. Im happy that u was able to see it and like it.

Quoted from Sham

Page 25; “What? Remove the God damn suck ball from your pie hole and speak like you have pair!” I laughed out loud when I read this.


Ha thx! I just changed his dialog with the newest version. Happy u pointed it out that it made u laugh


Quoted from Sham

Page 25; I had no idea that those office decoration things were called a Newton’s Cradle. Now I understand where you got the title of your script.


Yeah I didnt know it either til I was wanting to add the toy as a demonstration for troy's class room and when i found out its name, i was like..." that is the name for the script"
It has double meaning aswell. Newton= laws of motion and Cradle = someone's son of daughter, .......Since story is about troy's daughter

Quoted from Sham

Page 29; Great entrance for Arkon. The liquid staircase is a fantastic visual.


Thanks, I never had arkon or morbid in my original idea of the story or my first drafts

Quoted from Sham

Page 32; “I know I didn't shower today, but I bet I don't smell like fish, so stop trying to bate me.” Love it.


yep another dialog i changed, glad it made an impression on u!

Quoted from Sham

Page 40; This is an excellent time to unleash Troy’s power, and you’ve handled it well.


Thanks, this was another scene that original ran alot longer in previous drafts and bad dialog lol

Quoted from Sham

Page 46; “ is for those who believe things to be too easy.” Is should be are.


thanks for point out... I had already fixed it tho, u most of downloaded draft b4 i had fixed it.

i added this in here to kinda of put the Conveniences of Hartley and kent knowing each other on its head, and Hartley riding along with him. So it was acceptable since i knew was needed to push story forward.

Did this piece of dialog it ok for you?

Quoted from Sham

Page 46; Great job explaining how Troy’s power weakens him the more he uses it because he’s transferring energy. I wasn’t a fan of your script title before reading the entire thing, but now I can’t imagine anything else. It really works.


Gracious! I knew with power has to be a weakness. I never liked heros that has no limit on their power usage. plus its the setup for Sarah's down fall.

Quoted from Sham

There’s a minor formatting issue on page 50. “Harley exits” should be flush left.


Yeah, does it that everytime I convert my final draft doc to rtf...

Quoted from Sham

Page 51; Haha, I liked the lollipop exploding. I could picture this getting plenty of laughs when filmed.


Great! hehe, i just added this in aswell

Quoted from Sham


I think my only complaint up to this point is that, beyond Troy, his family, and Morbid, the characters aren’t very complex or engaging. Hartley has some potential, and I can only hope she has a larger role in the third act.


Did Hartley do it for ya by the end?

Rallins I just improved with more character uniqueness... did he stand out? or still lacking?

who do u feel needs to be removed?

Quoted from Sham

Page 56; “Hmmm, let me think... Nope, my only way out of this is if I find him myself.” Not a big fan of this dialogue. It sorta stuck out to me as being overly sarcastic, which is a shame because it’s not even that big of a line.


Your right, imma fix this line

Quoted from Sham

Page 62; Wow, I was definitely not expecting Sarah behind the mime mask. Nice twist.


Thanks, this is kinda of play on words on my part, since I refer to The Mime as a he all the time, but I have to since its being read and not seen.

Who were u expecting before the reveal? Did you feel was enough that it was possibility troy?

Quoted from Sham

You have a couple grammar mistakes throughout. Most are very minor, so just keep an eye out when you go through this…again.


yea hopefully I weeded those out.

Quoted from Sham


Page 84; Nice job with the explanation/flashbacks. It’s a little heavy on wordiness, but I was interested throughout. Is this monkey business real? I’m curious.


yea its alot of info, but i had hoped it was interesting enough and becuz the amount of action before this, read would be read for a break from action.

Yea it is real, u can look it up "100th monkey experiment" and  psi wheel on youtube.

believable explanation for u?

Quoted from Sham

Done!

Great job, JD. This was a pleasure to read. The action was well-choreographed, and you have a couple of surprising twists throughout. The biggest strength of your script is terrific visuals: the aforementioned water staircase; the pool table balls flying at robbers; not to mention the nifty chase scene with The Mime floating down to the ground and effortlessly avoiding the chain-link fence. All of it felt smooth, stylized, and practical.

The only thing I’d do different is remove a few minor characters and use their purpose for existing superior ones. It’s easier to keep track of who’s who that way, and the characters would become more momentous.

Other than that minor gripe, excellent work. This is a perfect example of creativity and hard work paying off. This is something to be proud of.


Thanks for the read! Red light has alot of potential for being made!

Question : Was the ending understandable for you? Were there too many flashbacks or it work?

See the final twist with sarah's resurrection coming?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


Logged
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 273 - 280
courhaw
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey JD_OK,
I read your work and here's my best amateur deposition.

In the beginning you establish the character and lifestyle of Troy as he gets introduced to the mysterious force. I like that foundation, though your descriptions and dialogue (in some places) could be tighter. For example, you repeated the character's name in nearly each paragraph of description -- Perhaps just establish through dialogue the character being referenced and from there you'll be able to uses pronouns like simply he did... x or she laid her head on her mom's shoulder...

Your slug lines, I think are too wordy as well. "INT. HOUSE - CAMP - DAY" is a format, from what I understand best used once you have been established as a known commodity and not before. The point being, it shows arrogance in a fledgling writer.

The Mime character drew my mind to memories of the Spider-Man movies and Batman films. Not saying that's a bad thing, but it's not very original. However, the characters were life-like and well written for the most part. I am speaking about the Mime character.

So, aside from some grammatical errors, the sluglines and the descriptions, your work is fine in my opinion. I think that you'll give this one a little more attention and comb out the remamining kinks and from there you'll be set -- if you haven't already to market this baby.

I did the best could with this review. Like I said I am an amateur -- at best.

How long have you been at this, JD? I just began writing screenplays about six months back.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 274 - 280
courhaw
Posted: June 30th, 2008, 12:38am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.01
I also like the way you established the sense of suspense by building up to the fringe of the payoff in a given scene and smoothly transitioning into the next leaving lingering questions a capturing the mind and piquing curiosity.

At least such was the cae for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 275 - 280
abelorfao
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
100
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hello, JD_OK, I've just finished reading your latest draft of Newton's Cradle. Here are my thoughts.

I found the combination of science, religion, and parapsychology very inventive. The story itself featured enough twists and surprises to keep me thoroughly engaged. In addition, there was no filler in the script as every scene served a purpose.

Your action writing was short and punctual (something I desperately need to work on), and your dialogue flowed quite nicely. The only line which sounded off was when Hartley told Duncan, "I'd rather play with myself with sandpaper." Something about the phrasing struck me as odd.

Understandably, there were a few spelling and grammatical errors. Here are the ones I found.

Page 1: "first of its' kind" should be "first if its kind."
Page 2: "Contrary to some might believe" should be "Contrary to what some might believe."
Page 24: "Get his statement soon as he pulls out" should be "Get his statement as soon as he pulls out."
Page 51: "Hartley exits" is accidentally placed in Hartley's dialogue.
Page 75: "it would have brought dangerous man" should be "it would have brought a dangerous man."
Page 98: "Whoso sheddeth man's blood" should be "Whose sheddeth man's blood."

In addition, McCaine's name is spelled McCain on a few slug lines late in the script.

There were also a few things about your story which struck me as odd.

You jump ahead three years between Marc's baptism by Morbid and his quick death at the hands of Arkon, but the only major passage of time indicated was the six months between Johna's funeral and the Mime's attack on Zahn Corp. Did I miss something?

Troy suddenly bolting awake from his nightmare and screaming Johna's name didn't ring true. You may want to consider a more subtle reaction.

When Troy wills the cell phone away from a lady he passes on the street, why doesn't she seem to react to her call suddenly ending and the cell phone being magically pulled from her hand?

I understand why Morbid killed the SEALs to get to Kneddrick, but I didn't understand why he would apparently harm the business woman on the flight. I know Morbid later tells Troy those sanctioned to take lives maintain innocence, but aren't his actions the type of abuse Arkon frowns upon?

Furthermore, if Morbid was sent by Arkon to kill Sarah due to her misuse of powers, why didn't Morbid kill Troy for abusing his powers as a Navy SEAL when he had the chance so many years ago?

I know I sound very critical, JD-OK, but I honestly think you've created a wonderful screenplay and I hope to one day write a script as enjoyable as yours.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 276 - 280
JD_OK
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

Location
Tulsa,OK
Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from abelorfao
Hello, JD_OK, I've just finished reading your latest draft of Newton's Cradle. Here are my thoughts.

I found the combination of science, religion, and parapsychology very inventive. The story itself featured enough twists and surprises to keep me thoroughly engaged. In addition, there was no filler in the script as every scene served a purpose.

Your action writing was short and punctual (something I desperately need to work on), and your dialogue flowed quite nicely.


Thanks for you time and input. Thanks its taking some years, to get alot of this right and yet still needs work.

Quoted from abelorfao

Understandably, there were a few spelling and grammatical errors. Here are the ones I found.

Page 1: "first of its' kind" should be "first if its kind."
Page 2: "Contrary to some might believe" should be "Contrary to what some might believe."
Page 24: "Get his statement soon as he pulls out" should be "Get his statement as soon as he pulls out."
Page 51: "Hartley exits" is accidentally placed in Hartley's dialogue.
Page 75: "it would have brought dangerous man" should be "it would have brought a dangerous man."
Page 98: "Whoso sheddeth man's blood" should be "Whose sheddeth man's blood."

In addition, McCaine's name is spelled McCain on a few slug lines late in the script.


Whoso is old english and is a word, but everything else u were right about and thanks for the spot outs!

Quoted from abelorfao

There were also a few things about your story which struck me as odd.

You jump ahead three years between Marc's baptism by Morbid and his quick death at the hands of Arkon, but the only major passage of time indicated was the six months between Johna's funeral and the Mime's attack on Zahn Corp. Did I miss something?


No u r right, I had changed things and at one point it jumpd 3 years and that small detail wasnt change. Thanks for the catch!

Quoted from abelorfao

Troy suddenly bolting awake from his nightmare and screaming Johna's name didn't ring true. You may want to consider a more subtle reaction.


Noted and changed

Quoted from abelorfao

When Troy wills the cell phone away from a lady he passes on the street, why doesn't she seem to react to her call suddenly ending and the cell phone being magically pulled from her hand?


Yea reaction would be nice there

Quoted from abelorfao

I understand why Morbid killed the SEALs to get to Kneddrick, but I didn't understand why he would apparently harm the business woman on the flight. I know Morbid later tells Troy those sanctioned to take lives maintain innocence, but aren't his actions the type of abuse Arkon frowns upon?


You are right, i just added this part with the harm of her that wasnt there b4 and i removed this, cuz it was out of character for him to do that.

Quoted from abelorfao

Furthermore, if Morbid was sent by Arkon to kill Sarah due to her misuse of powers, why didn't Morbid kill Troy for abusing his powers as a Navy SEAL when he had the chance so many years ago?


Well its hinted at and never boldly stated but morbid that he killed troy. "troy returned home without a scratch"

small tidbits about troy being able to heal, but i did add a line so everyone will know Morbid thought he had killed troy.


Quoted from abelorfao

I know I sound very critical, JD-OK, but I honestly think you've created a wonderful screenplay and I hope to one day write a script as enjoyable as yours.


No I appreciate thats u pointed out with all good and legitimate! You will, just dont give up!

Were u able to flow the story well enuff, ever confused?

See any twist coming?

What over all tone did u get from the story, like warm, fun,dark, etc?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


Logged
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 277 - 280
abelorfao
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
100
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hello, JD_OK, and sorry for not replying earlier. I felt your script flowed quite well and, other than the parts I pointed out in my previous post, I wasn't confused or put off by your script. I think the emotional aspects of your script concerning Troy's relationship with Johna and Sarah were well handled and greatly enhanced the story. This was especially true concerning the unmasking of the Mime, which struck me as quite a surprise.

If I had to describe my perception of the story's tone, I would call it introspective and dramatic action. Instead of working against the action aspects of the story, however, the dramatic quality of your script highlights the action and gives it a greater sense of urgency.

This aspect is greatly displayed through the characters of Morbid and Arkon. One of the keys to a great villain is having the character be convinced, despite any evidence to the contrary, he is absolutely in the right. As far as they are concerned, Morbid and Arkon's actions are not only justifiable but are in fact the only proper response to Troy, Sarah, and Zahn's dabbling in Psiom.

Good luck with your script, JD_OK.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 278 - 280
pdwood
Posted: December 11th, 2008, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



JD,

This was a fantastic read. Brilliant concept. I'm not a seasoned screenwriter but I think this has all the makings of a great movie.

I particularly loved the character of Morbid for his very unique and expressive dialogue; he was distinctly and deliciously evil.

One note: I was put off by the many typos throughout; you should really bare down and fix those. A couple here or there are to be expected, but I counted at least ten before losing track. It's poor form and detracts from the high quality of the story.

Overall, though, the story and plot twists were very nicely handled. There was a surreal, driving quality to your story that for me was reminiscent of the DaVinci Codes which I thought was gripping.

Good luck to you on selling and producing this very powerful script.

PD Wood
Logged
e-mail Reply: 279 - 280
JD_OK
Posted: December 31st, 2008, 2:28am Report to Moderator
New


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

Location
Tulsa,OK
Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from pdwood
JD,

This was a fantastic read. Brilliant concept. I'm not a seasoned screenwriter but I think this has all the makings of a great movie.

I particularly loved the character of Morbid for his very unique and expressive dialogue; he was distinctly and deliciously evil.

One note: I was put off by the many typos throughout; you should really bare down and fix those. A couple here or there are to be expected, but I counted at least ten before losing track. It's poor form and detracts from the high quality of the story.

Overall, though, the story and plot twists were very nicely handled. There was a surreal, driving quality to your story that for me was reminiscent of the DaVinci Codes which I thought was gripping.

Good luck to you on selling and producing this very powerful script.

PD Wood

Sorry for late response...

Thanks for giving it a read and ur input. Ill be glad to read ur work in return. yea I need to a good proof read! hah

I'm actually gonna redo the entire story. I gotta read some books first so i can get more streamlined. So in months to come expect a whole different take on this concept


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


Logged
Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 280 - 280
 Pages: « ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006