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16: Rallins should not refer to Troy by his first name.
The phrase is "AN hour and A half." Gotta have those indefinite articles in there. You can drop the first "an" in some cases, but the second one has got to be there.
There's no need to specify alive. It's a given until he is requested dead.
Need to describe the FBI office and the director. This is a location and a person. Don't just blow them off assuming the sterotype.
Stahl's little tirade comes off as needless. First, it implies that the mission is public knowledge around the office, and Stahl is trying to get someone else removed from it. These things would be quiet, and on a need to know basis. The only point to the little tantrum seems to be that he and Kent served together. Consider this: drop Stahl's tantrum at the beginning of the scene. Have the director assign Stahl to bring Troy in, and at the end of the next scene when Hartley comments that Stahl put the last one in the hospital, he can make the statement that he and Kent served together and this one is mine.
17: Why would Hartley's weapon NOT be in her holster? That doesn't make sense. Where WAS it before she picked it up.
"calling out all THE stops"
Hartley's "reading" of the file comes off as cheap exposition. Better to have intermittent mumbling between facts like she is scanning stuff in between what we do here, like there's more there but she doesn't read it out loud. It would also come off like she's reading it to herself. After all, Stahl has probably already read it and doesn't need to hear it again.
18: Maybe a description of the car?
"Hysterical mansion"? What is this? A funhouse? Do you mean "historical"? Maybe we could get an description of it...
No comma after Morbid's name when Morbid and Marc enter.
The sentence on the page is actually two sentences. You need a period between them, not a comma.
20: Arkon would assume he is understood and not ask. But Morbid would still nod.
Arkon's first "reason" implies that he knew about the second visitor even though Marc was not invited. It may seem cool on delivery, but it also feels very rehearsed, and since this is supposed to be life, it should not feel rehearsed. Arkon brought him for a very important reason. Snap goes Marc, reprimand, and continue.
21: No need to end the sentence leading into the interrogation room. Just say "...escort Troy to the
INTERROGATION ROOM
where Stahl places Troy..."
It's handicapPED children.
22: No "of" between "cause" and "pieces"
Stahl says "that's right." What's right? It doesn't really respond to Troy's comment or anything else.
I don't think Troy should threaten Stahl. It comes off as incriminating and Troy would want to remain low key.
23: "Agents Duncan and Ley" would be a better wording or their entrance.
25: So Troy's tattoo is the word "psiom"? Seems a little forward for a government project.
Think about Dr. Zahn's lines before and after Troy examines his wrist. These would be spoken in quick succession, and if you read them that way, it comes off as redundant.
Troy's line: "Oh wait, I'm guessing [[YOU'RE]] just trying to fish..."
Zahn says Troy's wrong about the evidence implying they have something on him, but then confirms that Troy's right by saying they will have it meaning they have nothing right now. This needs to be cleaned up to get rid of the contradiction.
Another hiccup in how the description is worded.
"Troy walks out into the
HALLWAY
where Hartley waits for him."
26: Hartley had this tape recorder under the table already loaded with a tape. When returns, she removes the entire recorder. This doesn't make a lot of sense. What if she would need it later? It is something she was able to start rather surreptitiously, so I question where it is actually located as starting a tape recorder taped under a table requires some dexterity to do without tearing it off. Record buttons are notoriously difficult to press and probably requires more resistance than most tape could provide. A better alternative here to make this recorder look like something that is always there is for Hartley to enter the room, eject the tape, and swap it with another tape. She would have a separate recorder to playback the interrogations she wants while maintaining the one in the room. Sure, it may not play into this story, but these people are supposed to have lives outside of the plot. This move would give her a little more character by showing she always has this there and explain why it was so conveniently setup. As is, it is mere convenience that it was there. By doing it this way, it shows it isn't mere convenience, but careful preplanning. It will make you wonder what else she has setup or might plan out.
Troy's address seems pretty unimportant unless it comes into play later. No need to really show this that I could see at this time.
You say Dr. Zahn speaks on a phone, but he doesn't say anything. It seems like he is just holding the phone to his ear, which is a more accurate description of what we see at this time.
27: McCaine wants Zahn to find the evidence against Troy to hold him, and then says "find out who it is." I don't understand. The implication is that they know who it is and they need to prove it's him.
Morbid's scene is very, very short. We, again, need a description of what Morbid is doing. This improves character. Show us a snippet and then have his phone vibrate with the text.
Hartley's office scene says she listens to the tape of the Troy-Zahn conversation. But there's not dialogue or voiceover or anything in this scene. What part of the conversation is so important that a scene is warranted to show her actually listening to the tape? We know she'll listen to it, but if we're showing her listening, we need a snip of the conversation and a reaction from her because of it. Again, this builds some character.
This is becoming quite the trend. When you go into any location, you need to provide a visual setup for the scene. Tell us something. We don't need at at the end of a scene, but when you have a slug that doesn't continue from a previous scene, you should have a description of what is there and what is going on. In the cab, Troy is sitting a certain way or he is looking at something or even out the window. Give us something to visualize this scene.
27/28: The scenes between Stahl, Hartley, and the director. What I've gathered so far is that the investigation is not to be investigated by the FBI, but the NSA. Anything done by Stahl or Hartley is done under the table, so to speak. Hence, Stahl would not be able to request evidence. If the FBI is doing the investigation, this needs to be clarified. Also, where did Hartley get her picture of the Mime? You also say "the same masked man". Same as what? Does she have something else? What is the connection she made from the tape (you won't play it for us)? Did the evidence come in already? That was quick. Does the CD hold the picture? Seems a strange way to pass it around. Normally, isn't this done on paper? This pair of scenes seems very, very disjointed, like they're a combination of ideas that you wanted to keep but never got sorted during rewrites. Obviously, you want Stahl to get ahold of evidence. To do this, you need to make the investigation clearly collaborative between the FBI and NSA. Mention the joint cooperative to learn different things or something. Anything to clarify that they are not at odds with each other and they are all entitled to what they request through official channels.
Wow thanks for in depth report from the 1st 30 pages. I want to comment/agree with somethings, but I'm in a bit of a rush to meet up with my g/f. But I do want to say, I like/agree to most you have stated. Again I will answer to things you have pointed out shorty!
Well, remember that everything I mention is just my opinion, and there may be a point in the story I have either missed, haven't reached yet, or maybe just don't understand. I can certainly respond to any comments you have to my comments, and I do intend to complete the script soon. I just figured since this was the second or third draft, you needed a little more in-depthness and a bit more of a nit-picky review.
You mention two vacant feeds, but your previous description only mentions one going out. Before that, the implication is that all monitors are active. If one is dead already, you need to say so.
I state, " A monitor behind him goes black. Then Moore's eye is caught cuz now 2 feed are blacked out.
Clearly, they dont notice, but then moore notices after two have dropped out.
Kent referring to Moore as "Corporal" comes out as cheap exposition. It would be better if it comes off as an order in the next segment of dialogue from Kent. In fact, it will read better if you replace "you will be fine" with "Corporal" since no danger has been indicated thus far beyond the killing of the monitor.
3: You have a slug immediately followed by a V.O. from Kent. You need to describe what this scene looks like before any dialogue occurs, and if anything is going on there. Sure we have the slug, but that doesn't really count for a description.
Okay, yea I guess i need to put more descriptions.
7: I find it difficult to accept that a military facility would have a phone line so easy to cut, or an alarm system so easy to shut down. Residential alarm systems have battery backup, and some have a cellular backup in case of phone line breach. A government facility would have multiple redundencies to its alarm systems, and when Kent pushes the button, it'll work. The man in black has only just entered the facility and would not have had the opportunity to get to the heart of the place to undo the battery and cellular backups to the alarm system. Also, it is likely that any lines going to this facility would be underground making them that much more difficult to disrupt.
I don't explain why. It for the reader and audience to assume, since we are not watching a normal world movie, This person has diabled their alrams and phones. by unknown means.
After Burr's dialogue is the first time we are introduced by name to The Mime. This needs to be capitalized, or better yet, name THE MIME on page 6 following the description of the character. It insures consistncy of description. The way it reads now, I know who you're talking about, but it would read cleaner if the Mime were clearly established as that person with mask. Is this nitpicky? You bet!
8: When the security camera goes black, it would be good to have a visual reaction from Kent. Even him standing there with his mouth hanging open, since the Mime just proved him wrong about getting through the glass.
9: What is the source of the light? If it is emanating from the Mime, you need to say this. If it comes from somewhere else, that's useful too.
Okay. Yea it is emanating from The Mime. I thought "A bright white light traces from The Mime's body outline" would get it across. But I willhad it comes from him soully!
In the office, you say McCaine is speaking to a foreign man, but his first line is to Rallins. The description there woudl more rightly read "McCaine sits with a foreign man." It would be good in this scene to put wrylies to notate who McCaine is speaking to.
Well this is a indication for adlib. just like "Jody sings with the radio" I dont need to write out what she is saying, but it doesnt cater to the plot.
11: The War Room secondary heading: Does this transition immediately from the prior scene? That's the only instance where this would be used because while it's a different part of the facility, it's not a part of the preceeding scene. It seems to happen much later. If it does transition, have McCaine give his sigh and "...walk
INTO THE WAR ROOM
where MILITARY PERSONNEL..."
I wouldn't have McCaine start the scene with his question. It's redundant to what follows.
12/13: Rallins seemed like a gopher before, but now he's the guy with all the answers. Colonel Daniels seemed to be in charge, but Rallins takes the floor. Why is that? Who is Rallins anyway? This package that Rallins received should already be in his possession, not (in effect) "coming anytime now" when the meeting begins.
Dr. Zahn should already be in the room with everyone, not making a late entrance. We could also do with some introductions to those in the room, if there's not too many.
This is part of his character. He wants to hold attention and does what he wants. Plus this late serves in mho 4 better introduction. they alrdy there, cuz we now mcCaine is heigher up the chain, so it shfts from when he is there askin to the questions to dr. zahn poitning the finger, which plays on.Some of things u point out are there and u will come full circle after full read. but not all.
You have two McCaine dialogue headers in a row during the video section. During this bit, you need to have more video shown, at least in a series of shots or something. In addition, during MCCaine's "rewind that" dialogue, it really should be broken up with what the video is doing.
here I dont want to be redundant and restate what wehave seen. They are watching and we are lookin at their actions to the video.
Another example on 14 of where more of the video needs to be shown. Dr. Zahn says "you just witnessed a man...shattering [glass]", but we didn't actually see the video part of that. They saw a guy lifted off the ground.
Nope. as stated. The video begins when the the video blacks out. Those feeds were gone, b4 Moore got out side. So they wouldnt see what happen to him. As this part goes. I draw the attention to Dr Zahn entering so when we go back to thm watching its when power loss occurred then comes back when The Mime is in view about to kill Hill.
McCaine's final line is kind of pointless. Obviously, that's their next step. A far better stinger to the scene would be Dr. Zahn talking about conducting the test and end with the name, which we should recognize from the classroom scene earlier. Trouble is, no one said his name earlier, nor was it inferred that his name appeared anywhere in that scene. Either we need to know his name there, or the scene has no purpose. Matt or Chris could say "Sorry Professor Kneddric" or something just to throw it out there.
15: Troy's final line is bizarre. I don't know what he means. "Even controlling it is use directed properly." The test should be better introduced, perhaps in the earlier scene. He mentioned the test there, and then begins it here. Setup-payoff.
Well, I will make it more clear to why he said this. Cuz when the test is over the balls stop clacking. He was making then clack then enitre test taking time. This one of the hidden things that one cuz pick up on. It hints about he has some abilities.
The expositional scene on Kneddric is coming across expositional with everyone asking break-up the tirade questions at all the right time. We need something visual to look at while the heads talk. You can lose Colonel Daniels first line since Zahn can kick off the scene on his own. You can also lose McCaine's "What Brazil incident" line since the Voice Over (who needs a name or title, by the way, not just "voice over") breaks up the scene again. It would be good for Zahn to refer to the "Brazil incident" as "Mission Land-Line." By doing so, he ties together with Rallins without the expository break-up question.
All good suggestions in tat paragraph. Thank you. I will do this.
All(maybe 1 of 2 might not be) my sentences are active. Meaning no ING. Professional screenwriter told me no ings
No INGs mean no passive sentences. However, in the case of this sentence, The monitor bit is being used as a gerund subject of the sentence and surround is the active verb. In order or this sentence to read properly, the "ing" is required on the end of "display." Active sentences are what we want, but not at the expense of good grammar, which is equally important.
I state, " A monitor behind him goes black. Then Moore's eye is caught cuz now 2 feed are blacked out.
Yes, but the way it reads is that one monitor goes black, and after that one does, there are 2 out. It implies that one was already out and the description refers to a second one.
I don't explain why. It for the reader and audience to assume, since we are not watching a normal world movie, This person has diabled their alrams and phones. by unknown means.
This is a cop-out answer. It's like someone being criticized for something and then calling "dramatic license" instead of finding a reason for it. I've been called on stuff before, and I created a reason that found its way into the script. If I noticed this, someone else will too.
Well this is a indication for adlib. just like "Jody sings with the radio" I dont need to write out what she is saying, but it doesnt cater to the plot.
Screenplays don't really have adlib. Every line must have a purpose, or it will be cut. If these two have nothing worthwhile to say, then we don't need any of the conversation.
here I dont want to be redundant and restate what wehave seen. They are watching and we are lookin at their actions to the video.
While this is true, we should be experience this story from the audience's perspective, and if in the final film, we will actually witness parts of this video (and the subsequent tape of Hartley's) and that being the case, you as the writer should designate exactly which part of the tape we'll see in the final product.
Nope. as stated. The video begins when the the video blacks out. Those feeds were gone, b4 Moore got out side. So they wouldnt see what happen to him. As this part goes. I draw the attention to Dr Zahn entering so when we go back to thm watching its when power loss occurred then comes back when The Mime is in view about to kill Hill.
I believe the dialogue infers certains points were gained from the video, and a great deal of discussion is implied as coming from that source. If the film gives them pieces of information, that needs to be clarified as well. If we don't see the video but hear points of it, it should be indicated as a V.O.
Remember that when you write any screenplay that you need to act if you are watching this movie for the first time in the audience. Everything you see and hear needs to be in the script, even if you think it's redundant or obvious, such as the video clips or the tape recording. Yes, we heard them before, but we need to see reactions to some of these points and the repitition willl give us new information in regards to character or plot. It will also reveal to us when things are learned.
16: Rallins should not refer to Troy by his first name.
The phrase is "AN hour and A half." Gotta have those indefinite articles in there. You can drop the first "an" in some cases, but the second one has got to be there.
There's no need to specify alive. It's a given until he is requested dead.
Need to describe the FBI office and the director. This is a location and a person. Don't just blow them off assuming the sterotype.
Stahl's little tirade comes off as needless. First, it implies that the mission is public knowledge around the office, and Stahl is trying to get someone else removed from it. These things would be quiet, and on a need to know basis. The only point to the little tantrum seems to be that he and Kent served together. Consider this: drop Stahl's tantrum at the beginning of the scene. Have the director assign Stahl to bring Troy in, and at the end of the next scene when Hartley comments that Stahl put the last one in the hospital, he can make the statement that he and Kent served together and this one is mine.
17: Why would Hartley's weapon NOT be in her holster? That doesn't make sense. Where WAS it before she picked it up.
"calling out all THE stops"
Hartley's "reading" of the file comes off as cheap exposition. Better to have intermittent mumbling between facts like she is scanning stuff in between what we do here, like there's more there but she doesn't read it out loud. It would also come off like she's reading it to herself. After all, Stahl has probably already read it and doesn't need to hear it again.
18: Maybe a description of the car?
"Hysterical mansion"? What is this? A funhouse? Do you mean "historical"? Maybe we could get an description of it...
No comma after Morbid's name when Morbid and Marc enter.
The sentence on the page is actually two sentences. You need a period between them, not a comma.
20: Arkon would assume he is understood and not ask. But Morbid would still nod.
Arkon's first "reason" implies that he knew about the second visitor even though Marc was not invited. It may seem cool on delivery, but it also feels very rehearsed, and since this is supposed to be life, it should not feel rehearsed. Arkon brought him for a very important reason. Snap goes Marc, reprimand, and continue.
21: No need to end the sentence leading into the interrogation room. Just say "...escort Troy to the
INTERROGATION ROOM
where Stahl places Troy..."
It's handicapPED children.
22: No "of" between "cause" and "pieces"
Stahl says "that's right." What's right? It doesn't really respond to Troy's comment or anything else.
I don't think Troy should threaten Stahl. It comes off as incriminating and Troy would want to remain low key.
23: "Agents Duncan and Ley" would be a better wording or their entrance.
25: So Troy's tattoo is the word "psiom"? Seems a little forward for a government project.
Think about Dr. Zahn's lines before and after Troy examines his wrist. These would be spoken in quick succession, and if you read them that way, it comes off as redundant.
Troy's line: "Oh wait, I'm guessing [[YOU'RE]] just trying to fish..."
Zahn says Troy's wrong about the evidence implying they have something on him, but then confirms that Troy's right by saying they will have it meaning they have nothing right now. This needs to be cleaned up to get rid of the contradiction.
Another hiccup in how the description is worded.
"Troy walks out into the
HALLWAY
where Hartley waits for him."
26: Hartley had this tape recorder under the table already loaded with a tape. When returns, she removes the entire recorder. This doesn't make a lot of sense. What if she would need it later? It is something she was able to start rather surreptitiously, so I question where it is actually located as starting a tape recorder taped under a table requires some dexterity to do without tearing it off. Record buttons are notoriously difficult to press and probably requires more resistance than most tape could provide. A better alternative here to make this recorder look like something that is always there is for Hartley to enter the room, eject the tape, and swap it with another tape. She would have a separate recorder to playback the interrogations she wants while maintaining the one in the room. Sure, it may not play into this story, but these people are supposed to have lives outside of the plot. This move would give her a little more character by showing she always has this there and explain why it was so conveniently setup. As is, it is mere convenience that it was there. By doing it this way, it shows it isn't mere convenience, but careful preplanning. It will make you wonder what else she has setup or might plan out.
Thanks! You hit the money on all the above and I made the changes!
27: McCaine wants Zahn to find the evidence against Troy to hold him, and then says "find out who it is." I don't understand. The implication is that they know who it is and they need to prove it's him.
Morbid's scene is very, very short. We, again, need a description of what Morbid is doing. This improves character. Show us a snippet and then have his phone vibrate with the text.
hanks for the suggestion. I made the imporvements for this scene!
This is becoming quite the trend. When you go into any location, you need to provide a visual setup for the scene. Tell us something. We don't need at at the end of a scene, but when you have a slug that doesn't continue from a previous scene, you should have a description of what is there and what is going on. In the cab, Troy is sitting a certain way or he is looking at something or even out the window. Give us something to visualize this scene.
27/28: The scenes between Stahl, Hartley, and the director. What I've gathered so far is that the investigation is not to be investigated by the FBI, but the NSA. Anything done by Stahl or Hartley is done under the table, so to speak. Hence, Stahl would not be able to request evidence. If the FBI is doing the investigation, this needs to be clarified. Also, where did Hartley get her picture of the Mime? You also say "the same masked man". Same as what? Does she have something else? What is the connection she made from the tape (you won't play it for us)? Did the evidence come in already? That was quick. Does the CD hold the picture? Seems a strange way to pass it around. Normally, isn't this done on paper? This pair of scenes seems very, very disjointed, like they're a combination of ideas that you wanted to keep but never got sorted during rewrites. Obviously, you want Stahl to get ahold of evidence. To do this, you need to make the investigation clearly collaborative between the FBI and NSA. Mention the joint cooperative to learn different things or something. Anything to clarify that they are not at odds with each other and they are all entitled to what they request through official channels.
I will fix this about them, so it is a collabrative investigation. You will find whats on the cd later in the script. What Hartley Finfds out was explained in earlier draft. I need to reinsert tidbit to what links this later. Thanks!!
1.) MOORE Hey, the northeast and northwest video has lost feed.
Maybe should be: Hey, the northeast and northwest videos have lost feed.
2.) A beautiful female agent, CLAIRE HARTLEY, in thirties, talks on the phone. A few pictures rest of her desk of her and his daughter. Stahl enters urgently.
Maybe you mean: A few pictures, the rest are of her and her daughter.
3.) CHRIS How was did you get it those balls to bang forever? I didn't see you touch it again...
Maybe you mean: remove the word “was”
4.) GATE GUARD You're never here on the weekends.
Remove the space in front of the “You’re”
5.) TROY You'll taken everything away from me...
Maybe you mean: You’ve taken everything away from me…
Review:
I'm not sure if the beginning of the script with the church and the priest did anything for the script? It started to do something, but then next at the Special Research Center I asked myself what was the church and that all about? I feel the church scene on page 2 could be removed and everything could start at the Special Research Center (SRC). After all the action at the SRC, that really made me want to keep reading, and from that point on I just kept reading until the end. When I got to the end I questioned what the church thing at the beginning of the script was all about, and I read it again thinking I missed something.
The script read well. After the church scene, the action at the SRC pull me right into the script, and I had to keep reading to see what it was all about. Even after I learned how Sarah was related to Troy, I still had to keep reading. I read the whole thing.
I felt it was X-men-ish... a little. I wanted to know more about where they got these special gifts.
There was a little romance in there... starting... but then it went no where. I thought I'd see a little something more happen between Troy and Claire. Maybe a little more at the bar? That would have cemented a more human bond between the reader and Troy. Troy seemed a little robotic.
With all said I loved the script. Every else I said might add a little more icing to the cake. It's your call.
1.) MOORE Hey, the northeast and northwest video has lost feed.
Maybe should be: Hey, the northeast and northwest videos have lost feed.
2.) A beautiful female agent, CLAIRE HARTLEY, in thirties, talks on the phone. A few pictures rest of her desk of her and his daughter. Stahl enters urgently.
Maybe you mean: A few pictures, the rest are of her and her daughter.
3.) CHRIS How was did you get it those balls to bang forever? I didn't see you touch it again...
Maybe you mean: remove the word �was�
4.) GATE GUARD You're never here on the weekends.
Remove the space in front of the �You�re�
5.) TROY You'll taken everything away from me...
Maybe you mean: You�ve taken everything away from me�
Thanks! Spotting these out for me is very appreciated. I have made these changes to the script!
I'm not sure if the beginning of the script with the church and the priest did anything for the script? It started to do something, but then next at the Special Research Center I asked myself what was the church and that all about? I feel the church scene on page 2 could be removed and everything could start at the Special Research Center (SRC).
Duly noted! I just altered this today. Along with the title of my screenplay. It normally did start off with the church. Normal the church scene was later and it was all one scene (which came later) I put at he beginning to kinda give it the feeling of how the powers kin of tie in with Jesus/religion. So ilater you see how going their for a final attempt for help. I might end it changin it back after a few reviews about it.
The script read well. After the church scene, the action at the SRC pull me right into the script, and I had to keep reading to see what it was all about. Even after I learned how Sarah was related to Troy, I still had to keep reading. I read the whole thing.
Great that is the drive I try to set for the story. To keep the urgency going without entering a dull moment. With that said, You said even after you learned the relation of sarah to troy. Do you mean at the person you felt it got ore interesting or it was enuff to stop, but you kept on anyway?
I felt it was X-men-ish... a little. I wanted to know more about where they got these special gifts.
You are right. I dont explain how these people have this 'gift'. It is hinted by shuddle. In the sequel alot of questions like willbe answered.
regarding X-men, I can see where this might look that way. Which is is when i bring out these powers, its going to be R rated. Bones snap and body's expodes, which hasnt been done yet with concept.
Was the powers made believable to you? the origin that ties with Jesus?
There was a little romance in there... starting... but then it went no where. I thought I'd see a little something more happen between Troy and Claire. Maybe a little more at the bar? That would have cemented a more human bond between the reader and Troy. Troy seemed a little robotic.
This was done on purpose. I didnt want to be cliche, With the aspect that tough guy finds romance at the end. It is a love Story. Love for your family, they he turned away from. and finding that love back with Sarah. Troy's character could'nt gets with a woman til he comes to acceptance of letting his daughters mother die and havent spoen to srah in years. So lets th romance happen wouldnt fit him. It is setup to explore in the sequel.
With all said I loved the script. Every else I said might add a little more icing to the cake. It's your call.
Thanks again for the read. I see you are eager for a review on your script and I will deliver! It is late, so I might have something posted tonight. If not all by tomorrow night.
Couple questions----
Did the twists come off as a surprise? or did you see them coming?
How did the bad guys/zahn feel for you?
Any part drag for you? Dialogue? Anything funny? Did you like the ending? Could you feel/relate to a character?
Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" for the story? It was "T.K."
hey JD_Ok, finished the script. I enjoyed the idea very much. Nevertheless, the script didn't present the same strength as your idea.
I suggest you revise it again in two weeks in order to see the grammatical mistakes. Nevertheless, they are the easier part to fix.
I apologize beforehand that my review is jumpy but I determine my reviews on things that pop out first to me.
Your overall story does not flow well. You cut some scenes at the wrong time. For instance, pg. 45, you cut abrudtly from Zhan's home to the FBI Tech Lab.
There are other scenes where you are telling rather than showing. For instance, pg. 47- EXT. TROY'S HOME - NIGHT Stahl gives the MEN instructions. STAHL Take your team to the side. P.D. take the back. You two come with me.
Another problem is format such as this: pg. 53 V.O. (over radio) Stay put! Almost there. Over.
In addition, a good majority of the a character's actions seem to pop out from nowhere rather than gradually leading to that action being made.
Your detail fighting secquences should be limited since you are too specific. And it provides you more room to enhance your story. Your action sequence takes up a good 1 or 2 pgs.
I don't understand why you start with that beginning. Is it to show how evil the MIME is? If so, delete it since the MIME reveals that during the whole military base scene.
I also really did not get a feel of the characters. They were not fully captured. the dialgoue was somewhat decent.
You should really hark back to the first script especially with the scene involving the two teenagers. I prefer that scene than this new one. It was original.
Other than that, I say we both have long work to do in revising our scripts. And for the title, I think you should keep it as T.K. There are too many movies that have "the" in the title.
If you need any clarification, let me know.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Your overall story does not flow well. You cut some scenes at the wrong time. For instance, pg. 45, you cut abrudtly from Zhan's home to the FBI Tech Lab.
The scene was done? needed more? Wrong time to go there? Did it cut tension for another scene?
Another problem is format such as this: pg. 53 V.O. (over radio) Stay put! Almost there. Over.
No this is correct. If I simply put VO. That would be a narrative voice, and since this vioce is no one in particular. just V.O. is fine and (from radio) where the voice is coming from.
Also because a proffesional consultant told me its correct.
I don't understand why you start with that beginning. Is it to show how evil the MIME is? If so, delete it since the MIME reveals that during the whole military base scene.
Hmm maybe the new beginning isnt working out how I thought it would. I felt this would set up the suspense since the intro to kent and moore really not that interesting til the attack.
You should really hark back to the first script especially with the scene involving the two teenagers. I prefer that scene than this new one. It was original.
No no... Everyone else would disagree with you. This one if far superior. But i just appreciate you honest opinion.
Hey JD_OK. I didn't know about the VO thing. Sorry. I learned something.
The action reference is due to transitions. You don't transition very well. For example, when Hartley has the Troy's blood on a handkerchief, how did she get that? Or the beginning scene with the chruch and then to the military base.
Basically that's the problem I saw. I hope this helps.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Hey JD_OK. I didn't know about the VO thing. Sorry. I learned something.
The action reference is due to transitions. You don't transition very well. For example, when Hartley has the Troy's blood on a handkerchief, how did she get that? Or the beginning scene with the chruch and then to the military base.
Basically that's the problem I saw. I hope this helps.
Gabe
Its cool!
hartley picked up the bullet pallets dropped by troy at the end of the bar fight scene, as stated ( maybe you missed it?)
The Church ties back late in the story with Sarah, we see the side of the priest and whats he is doin, then later we catch up seeing what happen in her side which made change.
So sorry. I've been reading too much as a result of school. I need to take a break since this is mistake after mistake. I missed it totally the blood pallets. Sorry again.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
pg 1 - "church is gloomy lit" struck me as an odd adjective to use. Maybe dimly lit would be better.
I'd say just say something like MAN or VOICE instead of MIME in the confessional, as he has not yet been properly introduced and we have not seen him yet.
I assume Kent is Moore's superior, so I think it'd be better iif he flips him off behind his back or something to make it more humorous. I don't know how kindly Kent would take Moore flipping him off if he was higher up on the food chain. Also, how old are the gentlemen?
No page numbers?
mistake pg 16 (I think) - The FBI DIRECTOR (55) sits a desk.
I like the name Mr. Morbid
mistake pg 20 - CHRIS - How did you get it those balls to bang forever?
It seems like nobody cares that Stahl is choking on pg 24. Everyone's just chatting and going about their business.
The opening scene where the mime stole the files kinda reminds me of V for Vendetta, but this is much better so far. V for Vendetta was a terribly boring movie. I'm interested in this so far, and wondering where it's gonna go. I'll have more later.
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
If I might ask, what led you to change the name to "The Unholy Cry." I notice that since you've posted a new draft, I'll actually have to start over on reviewing it. I'm a little short on time at the moment, though.
Pages: 
Author
Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)
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