Quoted from George Willson If I might ask, what led you to change the name to "The Unholy Cry." I notice that since you've posted a new draft, I'll actually have to start over on reviewing it. I'm a little short on time at the moment, though.

Oh, only the beginning changed a hair, to create the suspense since kent and moore intros are not as interesting til we get to the killing.

I made all the changes you advised so nothing major will stop you from picking up where you left off that would lead to confusion. Thanks!

Oh and the name changed. I had talk to a consultant about the former name. and I did have to agree T.K. just did pull you in to want to read just the name alone. Or tell you a little something about the story in the title.

The name changed is what lead to the new beginning tidbit pulled from later in the story.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Here's what I got so far SPOILERAMA!!!.................................................................................................. pg 1 - "church is gloomy lit" struck me as an odd adjective to use. Maybe dimly lit would be better. I'd say just say something like MAN or VOICE instead of MIME in the confessional, as he has not yet been properly introduced and we have not seen him yet. I assume Kent is Moore's superior, so I think it'd be better iif he flips him off behind his back or something to make it more humorous. I don't know how kindly Kent would take Moore flipping him off if he was higher up on the food chain. Also, how old are the gentlemen? No page numbers? mistake pg 16 (I think) - The FBI DIRECTOR (55) sits a desk. I like the name Mr. Morbid mistake pg 20 - CHRIS - How did you get it those balls to bang forever? It seems like nobody cares that Stahl is choking on pg 24. Everyone's just chatting and going about their business. The opening scene where the mime stole the files kinda reminds me of V for Vendetta, but this is much better so far. V for Vendetta was a terribly boring movie. I'm interested in this so far, and wondering where it's gonna go. I'll have more later.

Wow, I totally missed this post. Yea I get brought into v alot, but I SWEAR Iw rote this script/concept b4 i even know who or what v for Ven was.

V never went on a mission to retrieve anything. just kill and terrorize! ;p

Stahl choking only hartley was the one to pant on his back. NSA came in after he was regaining air and since they arent suppose to be in there on NSA intero. they just want them to leave. Also This is why I have him " smacking on gum" so maybe he really is just choking on the gum or some unknown engergy is getting even...

THanks for pointing those out and great suggestions. Im going to finish  Happy ending
Today (saturday).  Im glad you are enjoying thus far. Im enjoying your story aswell

I've got a little bit of time before I need to head to the in-laws for Christmas, so I figured I'd pop this open and offer some feedback.  Hopefully I'll be able to get through it all in one siting, but if not, I'll pick up where I leave off later.

I liked the action in the opening sequence, but I can see how you would draw comparison to "V for Vendetta".  The mask, the knives, the hand to hand combat, all fairly similar.  I don't know about ending the scene just with Kent opening the door either.  Have the mime grab him by the throat or something.  That half second piece of action can make a big difference.  

Ok, reading a little further ahead I see the video part, so I guess the sudden jump would work alright.  Perhaps just a reaction from Kent.

I just noticed you don't have any page numbers.

I'm noticing some pieces of dialogue that read really funny every now on and then, like Rallins giving the background on Troy.  The sentences read mechanically, contrasting the way people talk.

I see a couple instances of V.O here, where I doubt you have a character named V.O.  You should tag them as MAN'S VOICE or something along those lines.

Couple mispellings I've found....

scares should be scars, scared should be scarred.  Ginnie should be Guinea.

On the whole I enjoyed your script.  The action flowed well, and I thought you had a really god pace going.  The one thing that I had a problem with, as I mentioned earlier is the dialogue.  There are a lot of parts that just read mechanically and left me going "???".

Some of them appeared to be a missing word here and there, but other things, like Morez dropping the word vato when he should more or less be a conservative agent just threw me off.

Also, I'm assuming you have a sequel in the works or already up?  It'd be nice to see some kind of payoff with Troy/Sarah and Morbid/Arkon considering the little bit of time you spent building that up in this one.

Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there.

3/5

Quoted from Shelton Have the mime grab him by the throat or something.  That half second piece of action can make a big difference.   Ok, reading a little further ahead I see the video part, so I guess the sudden jump would work alright.  Perhaps just a reaction from Kent.

Good suggestion!

Quoted from Shelton I just noticed you don't have any page numbers.

I use final draf, but if i save it to pdf from finsl its makes it like 4meg( in size) t download. but if i said as rft, then have acrobat make pdf from that thn its only 370kb.
So I use that and unfortunately its doesnt give the page numbers and It makes characters anem and dialog seperate at some pages.

Quoted from Shelton I'm noticing some pieces of dialogue that read really funny every now on and then, like Rallins giving the background on Troy.  The sentences read mechanically, contrasting the way people talk.

I see, so you mean, so it doesnt sound natural flowing words?

Quoted from Shelton I see a couple instances of V.O here, where I doubt you have a character named V.O.  You should tag them as MAN'S VOICE or something along those lines.

Will do.

Quoted from Shelton Couple mispellings I've found.... scares should be scars, scared should be scarred.  Ginnie should be Guinea.

Thanks for those! Will change asap.

Quoted from Shelton On the whole I enjoyed your script.  The action flowed well, and I thought you had a really god pace going.  The one thing that I had a problem with, as I mentioned earlier is the dialogue.  There are a lot of parts that just read mechanically and left me going "???".

Thanks! I've work really hard to get it on a constant roll. I will be going through hese dialogues and correct these things!

Quoted from Shelton Some of them appeared to be a missing word here and there, but other things, like Morez dropping the word vato when he should more or less be a conservative agent just threw me off.

very true. I added vato just so he seemed alittle different. I will try and angle this a different way.

Quoted from Shelton Also, I'm assuming you have a sequel in the works or already up?  It'd be nice to see some kind of payoff with Troy/Sarah and Morbid/Arkon considering the little bit of time you spent building that up in this one.

Yes I do! Its a two part story. Second will dig deeper into back ground of these character/ explain unanswered question. Morbid/Arkon will shift to major roles of the story aswell Troy/Hartley and relationship of Sarah and Troy.

Quoted from Shelton Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there. 3/5

I appreciate your time and feedback! Let me know if and when I can read your new script!

Couple questions if could....

Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."

Drew me in the first page, but I'm a sucker for screenplays.  However, reading to the fifth page I could clearly see you have begun a fabulous story - but it seems like a thriller...not catagorized as action.  I don't know, though.  I only got to a few pages.  Anyway, one error I did find was that at the bottom of, I think, page four or three you had a charactor speaking into the radio.  You had written the name and the "action" but his dialogue was at the top of the NEXT page.  Small detailed corrections like those would benefit a much better script.  And page numbers would look good as well.
Other than that I will continue to read and best of luck with this screenplay.

Colby

Quoted from JD_OK Wow, I totally missed this post. Yea I get brought into v alot, but I SWEAR Iw rote this script/concept b4 i even know who or what v for Ven was.

Isn't that irritating as hell? Especially when a shitty movie like V takes it. But, even though you may have done it first, V for Vendetta is already out, So I'd recommendmodifying it anyways. Lots have things have been taken from my writings too over time that I've seen pop up in other movies, but I always adjust them. Actually, I find it better when you use ordinary things in their surroundings instead of something like knives. Like in the bar fight when Troy was just using everything in the room. But here's another chunk of review.

SPOILERS**************************************************************

pg 43 - Morez speaks, and then in his NEXT piece of dialogue you state he has a Spanish accent. Why not just say in his description iintroduction nstead?

the bar fight i thought was cool.

PG 44 - ZAHN - "tell me something I don't already assume." seems like an odd thing to say. Tell me something I don't know is a probably the better way to say it I think.

pg 45 - PHYSICIAN - "Only have week or two to live." should be A week or two

descriptions are missing for a lot of your characters.

Troy's fighting the mime was cool.

Although, again, I would like to see more of things that haven't been done yet during the chase and fight with the mime, that displays their other abilities, running, jumping, climbing, strength, etc. Right now, it seems like it's just like the force from star wars. I'd like to see more of a range in powers other than just hand to hand combat and levitating things. It has to offer something that hasn't been touched on really or you have to tweak it so that it's a little different. I like harnessing the energy of the body, but nothing is really spectacular to me about how they use it. It needs it's own kinda trademark. Like the Matrix had the bullet dodging for example. Am I making sense? Like, I just think you could have more fun with the action sequences, showing us things we've never seen before, you know? Like Sarah crushing the windows in the car I thought was cool.

top pg 60 - I used to do this all the time, but it's redundant to put (to Deabla) when he says in the next line of dialogue, "Diabla, don't let me down"

"Great fuck, are you retarded?" I loved this line.

You also have a problem with putting "a" before words that start with a vowel, when it should be "AN". I've read four so far.

I'll have more later...

Quoted from Mr. Maven Drew me in the first page, but I'm a sucker for screenplays.  However, reading to the fifth page I could clearly see you have begun a fabulous story -

Thanks! I'm glad I was able to capture your attention! Were you just scanning for something to read? name or Logline peak your interest to read?

Quoted from Mr. Maven but it seems like a thriller...not catagorized as action.  I don't know, though.  I only got to a few pages.

Yea, its has alot of genre through out. But for the must Part Action is constantly happening so i felt  the majority of the story pulled action genre.

Quoted from Mr. Maven Anyway, one error I did find was that at the bottom of, I think, page four or three you had a charactor speaking into the radio.  You had written the name and the "action" but his dialogue was at the top of the NEXT page.  Small detailed corrections like those would benefit a much better script.  And page numbers would look good as well.

Yea this is only like that becuz i have it in rft format, which I DO NOT USE. I use final draft, which doesnt do this. But since most people dont have final draft to read the script, I copy pasted to rtf, then pdf it. unfortunately page numbers and small things like th name and dialogue dont transfer

Quoted from Mr. Maven Other than that I will continue to read and best of luck with this screenplay. Colby

Thanks I hope you enjoy the story and feel free to voice anything you like or dislike!

Quoted from Steve-Dave Isn't that irritating as hell? Actually, I find it better when you use ordinary things in their surroundings instead of something like knives. Like in the bar fight when Troy was just using everything in the room.

Yea it is annoying! This is true, but i did this on purpose. To contrast Troy's fighting style compared to The Mime's

Quoted from Steve-Dave SPOILERS************************************************************** pg 43 - Morez speaks, and then in his NEXT piece of dialogue you state he has a Spanish accent. Why not just say in his description iintroduction nstead?

Aw thank you for this point out!

Quoted from Steve-Dave the bar fight i thought was cool.

My consultant actually wants me to cut that in half, and i feel its just right. You feel it was too long? Anythin in there that is just over kill? I personally feel its all nees to remain

Quoted from Steve-Dave PG 44 - ZAHN - "tell me something I don't already assume." seems like an odd thing to say. Tell me something I don't know is a probably the better way to say it I think.

Yea, I worded this way to be part of his character and the way he talks.

Quoted from Steve-Dave pg 45 - PHYSICIAN - "Only have week or two to live." should be A week or two descriptions are missing for a lot of your characters.

Thanks I will correct this

Quoted from Steve-Dave Troy's fighting the mime was cool.

Thanks, i actually added tot his fight becuz previous viewersfelt I need more description of this fight. B4 only thing I described was the stair case of crates action that follows. Did you like the twist here?

Quoted from Steve-Dave Although, again, I would like to see more of things that haven't been done yet during the chase and fight with the mime, that displays their other abilities, running, jumping, climbing, strength, etc. Right now, it seems like it's just like the force from star wars. I'd like to see more of a range in powers other than just hand to hand combat and levitating things. It has to offer something that hasn't been touched on really or you have to tweak it so that it's a little different.

These are hinted on speed, jumping. When the Mime runs from the hospital and jumps to umpster and over a ences seamlessly. Also with troy jumping over house fence. You will see like later the strength things.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I like harnessing the energy of the body, but nothing is really spectacular to me about how they use it. It needs it's own kinda trademark. Like the Matrix had the bullet dodging for example. Am I making sense? Like, I just think you could have more fun with the action sequences, showing us things we've never seen before, you know? Like Sarah crushing the windows in the car I thought was cool.

Yes you sure is. But this is why I focus on the light source more in this and its relavince. I think I will go ahead and alil something more out side of this as you suggested. For the most part I'm saving alot of these others things for the sequel. So it has some moe then seen before.

You will understand this once you come to the end. Let me know if you agree later with comment

Quoted from Steve-Dave top pg 60 - I used to do this all the time, but it's redundant to put (to Deabla) when he says in the next line of dialogue, "Diabla, don't let me down" "Great fuck, are you retarded?" I loved this line. You also have a problem with putting "a" before words that start with a vowel, when it should be "AN". I've read four so far. I'll have more later...

Thanks I will correct these! Hehe, one of my favorites too! But mine favor is from Hartley , which you will prolly like aswell down further in the story. Sounds good look forward to your insight.

Hey JD. Hmmm, JD, does that stand for Jack Daniels by any chance? That'd be cool if my name was Jack Daniels. Anyways, I read the rest, and got this for ya...

SPOILER ALERT...................................................................................................

Quoted from JD_OK Yea it is annoying! This is true, but i did this on purpose. To contrast Troy's fighting style compared to The Mime's

Makes sense.

Quoted from JD_OK My consultant actually wants me to cut that in half, and i feel its just right. You feel it was too long? Anythin in there that is just over kill? I personally feel its all nees to remain

I think it's fine.

Quoted from JD_OK Thanks, i actually added tot his fight becuz previous viewersfelt I need more description of this fight. B4 only thing I described was the stair case of crates action that follows. Did you like the twist here?

You mean the twist with Sarah? Yeah, I liked Sarah's involvement in the script. May be better if you had a reference to Sarah somehow earlier, lke Troy talks about how he hasn't seen her in a while to Hartley or something.

Quoted from JD_OK Yes you sure is. But this is why I focus on the light source more in this and its relavince. I think I will go ahead and alil something more out side of this as you suggested. For the most part I'm saving alot of these others things for the sequel. So it has some moe then seen before.

Makes sense, you do have to go "bigger" in the sequels.

top pg 64 - "A lap turns on"

pg 65 - Putting just a V.O. as the heading for dialogue seems odd. Maybe put VOICE and then describe that the voice is deep and distorted and over an intercom or whatever.

mistake bottom pg 65- " her eyes lids"

pg 67 - Her face is badly burned and her throat "WAS" singed from the electrocution. (Should be IS)

pg 67 - Where doesthe cellar scenefall in the timeline of things? Also, clarify when the flashback ends. Also, the portrait of the mime was there? Wouldn't Troy have already recognized who she was by the mask before she even took it off.

pg 72 - SARAH - "Yea"

pg 72 - SARAH - "Its time to make it right" - missing apostrophe on it's.

Maybe you should describe Johna from her picture instead, as that is our first encounter with her.

pg 74 - HARTLEY - "they struggled save to her"

pg 75 - SARAH  - "then how is she believe you won't..."

pg 75 - "Troy tries to counter each blow, but not he does not strike her. "

pg 76 - STAHL - "We were this close". Either make Stahl make some gesture with his hands to signify just how close they were, or change this to "So close" or something.

pg 77 - Stahl and Hartley fasten their seat belt. (should be beltS)

pg 77 - HARTLEY - "We know its" - apostrophe again.

pg 78 - STAHL - "Then we all know what has to done"

troy cocking the gun underneath his head with his mind is pretty bad ass. Great visual.

pg 88 - "Weapons fire at the each trooper"

turning the glass to sand i thought was cool.

pg 98 -  RALLINS - "The treat is naturalized" - ???? I think you might mean the threat was naturalized, or the threat is neutralized, perhaps. Although the thought of a naturalized treat does sound downright delicious.

I liked the ending. I was thinking when she died that the ending sucked, but then it was cool that she came back. Kinda confusing though, were'n't they just fighting??? What if she goes all mime again and starts fucking things up?

The glowing and sparks...did you ever hear of a movie called The Last Dragon? It's a real cheesy movie where they had the glowing red and everything too. It's nothing bad or a big deal,  I just thought it was funny cuz it reminded me of it, and I wonder if you know the movie I'm taling about.

All in all I thought this was really cool. I like how you keep unfolding new parts of the story as it goes along. At the start of it, I thought it'd be kinda dull, not because of you though, but it's just that action scripts and things with a lot of military people in it I just find rather boring, but this definitely just kept getting better and better. From finding out who Sarah is to finding out they harnassed Jesus' powers, to Zahn wanting the power cuz he's dying to the great ending, really cool stuff. It was more interesting than I thought it would be. The only real problem, I think Troy and Sarah's relationship is a little screwy. They fight and then they talk and love each other, then they fight again, I don't know, I think you need more of a stright path there. But yeah...cool script. Good job.

and by the way, is there anything you could say about the sequel? When? why? how? progress? title? etc.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Hey JD. Hmmm, JD, does that stand for Jack Daniels by any chance? That'd be cool if my name was Jack Daniels. Anyways, I read the rest, and got this for ya...

No lol, my nameis JD and i live in oklahoma weak name huh? ;p

Quoted from Steve-Dave You mean the twist with Sarah? Yeah, I liked Sarah's involvement in the script. May be better if you had a reference to Sarah somehow earlier, lke Troy talks about how he hasn't seen her in a while to Hartley or something.

Yea i get this alot in the reviews to just give alil of Sarah. I dont know if it in the rules, we spot the "killer" of who did it b4 revealed. But i wanna stay far from cliches and most all "who is it" movies They r hinted at earlier for a scene which is like 1 secs, then later yu oohhhh!!. I not going for that. I want all to trick the mind and force doubt on Troy even tho it proclaims his innocence. Then BANG we find out, its not even a man..

Quoted from Steve-Dave Makes sense, you do have to go "bigger" in the sequels.

Damn right!

Quoted from Steve-Dave top pg 64 - "A lap turns on" pg 65 - Putting just a V.O. as the heading for dialogue seems odd. Maybe put VOICE and then describe that the voice is deep and distorted and over an intercom or whatever. mistake bottom pg 65- " her eyes lids" pg 67 - Her face is badly burned and her throat "WAS" singed from the electrocution. (Should be IS) pg 72 - SARAH - "Yea" pg 72 - SARAH - "Its time to make it right" - missing apostrophe on it's. Maybe you should describe Johna from her picture instead, as that is our first encounter with her. pg 74 - HARTLEY - "they struggled save to her" pg 75 - SARAH  - "then how is she believe you won't..." pg 75 - "Troy tries to counter each blow, but not he does not strike her. " pg 76 - STAHL - "We were this close". Either make Stahl make some gesture with his hands to signify just how close they were, or change this to "So close" or something. pg 77 - Stahl and Hartley fasten their seat belt. (should be beltS) pg 77 - HARTLEY - "We know its" - apostrophe again. pg 78 - STAHL - "Then we all know what has to done" . pg 88 - "Weapons fire at the each trooper"

Thanks a million! I fill correct these asap!

Quoted from Steve-Dave pg 67 - Where doesthe cellar scenefall in the timeline of things? Also, clarify when the flashback ends. Also, the portrait of the mime was there? Wouldn't Troy have already recognized who she was by the mask before she even took it off.

After they plant the bug. she goes home then goes down into cellar. Troy is still unconscious. When he wakes up he asks her se has she done. And she tells him shhh, "she will hear you" Then he looks over to the painting of a mime on the wall. Indicating her alternate personality

Quoted from Steve-Dave pg 98 -  RALLINS - "The treat is naturalized" - ???? I think you might mean the threat was naturalized, or the threat is neutralized, perhaps. Although the thought of a naturalized treat does sound downright delicious.

Yes I put that on purpose. Cause before the treat thought to be supernatural. So its been brought back down to natural. By What Rallins has cleared as fake things.

Quoted from Steve-Dave turning the glass to sand i thought was cool. troy cocking the gun underneath his head with his mind is pretty bad ass. Great visual

Thanks! Im going to have more fun with Arkon . From Walking on the water to doin other myths

Quoted from Steve-Dave I liked the ending. I was thinking when she died that the ending sucked, but then it was cool that she came back. Kinda confusing though, were'n't they just fighting??? What if she goes all mime again and starts fucking things up?

Hehe. Yes they were just fighting (the mime) not Sarah. Troy couldn't let her died. i didnt bring back Johna becuz of the repercussion if he had (peope around) and Arkon.

But he brought her back knowing that he has  "broke the order" aswell as Sarah.
On Sarah's note- i have things planned for her. But i think theMime is the symbol of this script/movie and it has to be brought for the seuel. But the fashion I bring it cant be the same.

Quoted from Steve-Dave The glowing and sparks...did you ever hear of a movie called The Last Dragon? It's a real cheesy movie where they had the glowing red and everything too. It's nothing bad or a big deal,  I just thought it was funny cuz it reminded me of it, and I wonder if you know the movie I'm taling about.

I assume now just bcuz you seen Last dragon you are black or mixed lol, cuz you are the FIRST to find this. I grew up watching this movie over and over and over. Pretty much paying bring the "glow" idea back to life in a better way. Giving it a origin and a purpose ( not for the sake its just for show as in last dragon)

Quoted from Steve-Dave All in all I thought this was really cool. I like how you keep unfolding new parts of the story as it goes along. At the start of it, I thought it'd be kinda dull, not because of you though, but it's just that action scripts and things with a lot of military people in it I just find rather boring, but this definitely just kept getting better and better. From finding out who Sarah is to finding out they harnassed Jesus' powers, to Zahn wanting the power cuz he's dying to the great ending, really cool stuff. It was more interesting than I thought it would be. The only real problem, I think Troy and Sarah's relationship is a little screwy. They fight and then they talk and love each other, then they fight again, I don't know, I think you need more of a stright path there. But yeah...cool script. Good job. and by the way, is there anything you could say about the sequel? When? why? how? progress? title? etc.

Thanks. I do appreciate great feedback and review. I'm luck I paid a consultant some big bucks to tell me to trash (rewrite) my original story of this, cuz this by far is better and pushed me to do make it a constant ride.

referrence to Sarah and Troy. This conflict is part of Troy change. At 1st he isnt ready to help Sarah, fear of being exposed, but just to forget what Zahn had done. Then he has to realize He has to be the one to stop her and even kill her cuz she is out of control. Its at the final battle. He cant do it. But Revenge is carried  out. So whats next? Arkon.

Sequel- I always had this planned as sequel. I will tell you this. There is a reason I show the knives expoding when not wielded or usen objects just by engery. Cuz  your body does not have direct control of it. (its on you) Their shielding cant let Stray psi control it. But when not directly controlling it, The stray psi can be over come by different psi. What im getting at the sequel will form th use of hand weapons to fight the "order" people. And you better believe sarah/Mime will be doing num chuck action.

I know the direction I want with the sequel. But I wont start on it til I iron out this story 1st. but it will bring together bonds formed here and how morbid/Arkon/Troy tie in togerther and answer how they came to be.

Couple questions if you have time.......
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."

Quoted from JD_OK Couple questions if could.... Did you like the ending? Could you feel/relate to a character? The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present? Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"? Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story? Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene? Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie? Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."

I thought the ending was fine, but like I said, it left me wondering if you were planning a sequel.  It ends fine, just in a way that forces you to continue it.

The opening in the church was alright.  Could you lose it?  Absolutely.  It doesn't do all that much to further the story, and the real hook is in the opening action.

Nothing seemed too easy or out place, but I had my "suspension of disbelief" cap on, and was more in tune with the supernatural tone of the script.

I think Hartley and Troy are fine in this chapter.  If you wanted to work something between them in, I would save it for later on.

Twists were good.  Nothing unusual, but effective nonetheless.

I'd say it has direct to dvd appeal, definitely.  I wouldn't go so much with the tv movie thing, unless maybe it were on the Sci-Fi channel or something.

Quoted from JD_OK I assume now just bcuz you seen Last dragon you are black or mixed lol, cuz you are the FIRST to find this. I grew up watching this movie over and over and over. Pretty much paying bring the "glow" idea back to life in a better way. Giving it a origin and a purpose ( not for the sake its just for show as in last dragon)

LOL. YES! The "glow".  No, I'm not black or mixed, I just grew up on a lot of cheesy B movies. Last Dragon, Killer Klowns From Outerspace, The Warriors...etc.

Quoted from JD_OK Could you feel/relate to a character?

Yeah, I thought Troy was a good lead, I was there with him. I liked Hartley a lot too, and Sarah's inner conflict.

Quoted from JD_OK The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?

Not really out of place, but you could definitely do away with it though. Now if you went from her to Troy or something to break in between it'd be one thing, but you go from Sarah in the confessional right to Sarah again, so there's really no time for us to think like, "gee I wonder what the mime has to do with this" you know what I mean? So, there's not really any mystery with it.

Quoted from JD_OK Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?

No, everything was gravy. Just Troy and Sarah's relationship seemed a little funny, that's all. Like I said before. And something I just thought of...wouldn't Sarah have the ability to erase her scars with her Jesus healing powers? But that's just nit picking, it doesn't really matter.

Quoted from JD_OK Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?

No, I think Stahl and Hartley should get it on though. Maybe you could have a new love interest for Troy in the sequel, or maybe even a love interest for Sarah. You could just get EVERYBODY laid.

Quoted from JD_OK Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?

Decent enough. I liked the new elements you kept bringing in. It kept it interesting and left me wanting more and wondering where this was gonna go. I just think you could hint a little more at Sarah earlier on, even with a picture or something on Troy's desk. I don't think it would be that obvious.

Quoted from JD_OK Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

I could see it on the big screen.

Quoted from JD_OK Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."

Not really, I don't think it fits very well. It sounds to me more of a religious movie, when it actually only has slight religious undertones and is more sci-fi. I liked T.K. a lot better actually.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I just think you could hint a little more at Sarah earlier on, even with a picture or something on Troy's desk. I don't think it would be that obvious.

Thanks! I REALLY like this suggestion. It would tie back in with the bar when Hartley askes about "So tell me about her", without giving anything away.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Not really, I don't think it fits very well. It sounds to me more of a religious movie, when it actually only has slight religious undertones and is more sci-fi. I liked T.K. a lot better actually.

Yea, title is pending =\

Oh and I here...

Quoted from Steve-Dave And something I just thought of...wouldn't Sarah have the ability to erase her scars with her Jesus healing powers? But that's just nit picking, it doesn't really matter.

No, she can't Heal. This is where the reference to " Someone like you" (to morbid) then later Morbid realizes what Troy is capable of/Healing and he leveling of psi. So he goes to Arkon and tell him " He isn't like me... He is like you"

She has yet to discover all of the psi abilitie which has alot more that I dont show in this one. So like I gave people different like thins to show off psi. Like troy doesnt levitate by Sarah does. We see Arkon walk on water and resmelt glass back to sand. Troy's one touch kill to the healing/stopping the bullets versus letting the holy light shield him.

Thank you and Mike S for the excellent feedback responses!

S P O I L E R S


JD,

You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.  

Still, I have a few comments.

A fresco is a painting. One, as the dictionary says, is executed in a certain way -- on  a moist, plaster surface. This being as it is, you might want to change "fresco windows" to stained glass windows.

Along the same lines, there are numerous grammatical mistakes. So many, in fact, that if I attempted to cite each one, it could've easily taken me hours to read your script -- you should get someone to assist you in proofreading your work.

The only other complaint I have is the robbery scene was, I think, drawn out. Boring. It's, I think, three pages of discriptives. Far too long.

There are, though, many things I like about this script. As I already wrote, the structure is excellent. You've weaved all the various elements together in a way that allows the script to slowly unfold, revealing bits of info that, in the end, come together -- making for a satisfying experience.  

Along the way, questions are presented. Ones that prompt the reader to turn pages (or as the case may be, scroll down),

I especially liked the scene (the flashback) in which it's revealed how Sara's face was burned. I felt sympathetic toward her.

Anyway, overall, an excellent script -- well told story. Again, my only real problem is with all the grammatical errors.

Seth



  

Quoted from Seth S P O I L E R S JD, You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.

Thanks, I'm glad you was able to finish it. and be able to point some things out for me to fix!

Quoted from Seth A fresco is a painting. One, as the dictionary says, is executed in a certain way -- on  a moist, plaster surface. This being as it is, you might want to change "fresco windows" to stained glass windows.

Thanks, I will be makes this change asap!

Quoted from Seth Along the same lines, there are numerous grammatical mistakes. So many, in fact, that if I attempted to cite each one, it could've easily taken me hours to read your script -- you should get someone to assist you in proofreading your work.

Yes i try very hard to fix and find those. My english is bad

Quoted from Seth The only other complaint I have is the robbery scene was, I think, drawn out. Boring. It's, I think, three pages of discriptives. Far too long.

Noted. You are not the only one, but one of few that feels it needs to be shortened.

Quoted from Seth There are, though, many things I like about this script. As I already wrote, the structure is excellent. You've weaved all the various elements together in a way that allows the script to slowly unfold, revealing bits of info that, in the end, come together -- making for a satisfying experience.   Along the way, questions are presented. Ones that prompt the reader to turn pages (or as the case may be, scroll down),

Thanks for noticing this.it is very hard to do that, but I have to thank feedback from everyone that has helped mold this into something.

Quoted from Seth I especially liked the scene (the flashback) in which it's revealed how Sara's face was burned. I felt sympathetic toward her.

Thanks. Yes I am truelly happy, I was able to make you feel for Sarah cuz before hand she is a murderer, but to pursuade you to forget the bad she has done. With the "her" reasoning behind it.

Quoted from Seth Anyway, overall, an excellent script -- well told story. Again, my only real problem is with all the grammatical errors. Seth

Thanks and I owe you another feedback whenever you post something next!

a few questions?

Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?
Dialogue- good, decent, bad at points?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."