This includes S P O I L E R S

Quoted from JD Did you like the ending?

I did like the ending. Some may argue, and with good reason, that the father/daughter reunion is trite, but I think it works. Also, it leaves open the possibility of a sequel.

Quoted from JD Could you feel/relate to a character?

Of the three characters I was most concerned with, Sarah, Troy, and Hartley, I felt Hartley could have been better sketched -- perhaps more backstory.

Troy is easy to relate to. He's been accused of crimes that he didn't commit. This is a kind of universal that all of us, on some level, can relate to. Later, we find out that it is in fact his daughter who is the perpetrator. Which causes us to ask ourselves what we would do -- would we turn her in or protect her? It is this question that sees the audience connecting, on an emotional level, with Troy -- ultimately what is Troy going to do?!

Sarah's character isn't, of course, as easy to connect with -- at least not at first. This is why the scene, the one that reveals how her face was burned, is so important and, I think, moving. It was at that point that I connected with her.  

Quoted from JD The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?

It was, to me, appropriate in that it foreshadows two important elements -- 1) One, the Jesus angle (the light), and two, it puts Sarah in a confession box. It shows that she, although masked, is human -- She's struggled, and in fact, still is, struggling with her decision.

Quoted from JD Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?

No. But I'll probably give this a second read. When I do, I'll let you know.

Quoted from JD Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?

Good question. I'm not sure. Perhaps hint at it, leaving it open for use in a possible sequel.

Quoted from JD Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?

I thought everything worked well.

Quoted from JD Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Yours is an ambitious script. One that I think would translate well to the big screen.

Quoted from JD Dialogue- good, decent, bad at points?

It could be punched-up a bit. But I could say the same about almost every script I've read. Still, yes, you'll want to work on it.

Quoted from JD Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."

I'm not sure what T.K. means. That said, I can't really comment.

Seth

Quoted from Seth No. But I'll probably give this a second read. When I do, I'll let you know.

Thanks for the feedback and taking time to answer a few questions. Look forward to it

Quoted from Seth I'm not sure what T.K. means. That said, I can't really comment. Seth

T.K. was just the title of the script, meant 2 things, troy's name and tk is short for telekinesis. I had hoped Unholy Cry to be more catchier and drew more of a interest becuz of the title.

So… while some think this one is nearly ready to sell, others couldn’t even finish reading the thing. How about that, huh? I’d say I’m kind in the middle.

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it’s clear that you didn’t only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.

But there some aspects it could be improved upon; I will start mentioning the main ones, with spoilers of course.

Powers

Troy and others like him have a great diversity of powers. They can choke opponents like Darth Vader, move things around like Carrie, walk on water like Jesus, levitate like Magneto, throw lightning punches, throw kicks like martial artists, make “shielding” spells like a voodoo witch, etc. That’s a lot of abilities.

Usually, the design of superhero-like characters must follow certain logic. Spiderman can jump, climb and make spider webs because that’s spiders’ natural abilities and he acquired them. His powers “make sense” because there’s a certain correlation between their nature and their source. Your characters, on the other hand, seem capable of too much.

Furthermore, if you have certain pattern that limits the hero’s powers (i.e. Magneto can only handle metals) you have more room to make your hero show some creativity in the use of them. If the hero is capable of anything, he will not have to show much effort in getting out of trouble and it will be very difficult for you to put him in trouble as well. This is what’s so cool about Magneto’s escape from prison in X-2; since his powers are limited, his opponents were able to build a prison strong enough to contain him, and he had to use his powers in a very clever way to get out (with some help, but his plan was excellent and a delight to watch).

I’d bet that Troy could kick Magneto’s ass in a fight, yet I still find Magneto more interesting for the reasons explained above.

Most people are familiar with telekinesis, that’s an angle you can work on. But “shielding”, levitating, walking on water, lightning punches, Darth chocking, etc, would be pushing too much the audience’s suspense of disbelief.

I’d suggest to try to limit the supernatural angle of this story in order to make it more focused and more believable.

Goal. Stakes. Opposition.

Watch the first 20-30 minutes (or first act) in any plot driven script and you’ll notice that usually (not always, but most times) during this bit, three things are established:

1)A goal. The protagonist must achieve something (i.e. stopping the villain’s world domination plan in a superhero film, getting the girl in a rom-com, etc).

2)Stakes. If the protagonist fails, something very bad will happen. That’s why in ’24’ Jack Bauer often risks his life to obtain things like a stupid chip, because that chip is the only clue to find the terrorists before they attack and millions of people die.

3)Opposition. Achieving the goal is not easy; there are forces working against the protagonist. If not, the movie would be quite boring (no conflict) and last no more than half an hour.

The goal, difficult to achieve, with high stakes is what defines the movie’s central conflict.

Not every movie follow this formula, but if you’re a new writer expecting to sell a plot-driven, high budget sci-fi actioner written on spec, you’d better follow it.

This is the most important line in your script: “Troy: No... there’s only one way out of this and that is to find him myself”.

It defines a protagonist (Troy).

With a clearly defined goal (find the responsible of breaking into the special research facility).

Difficult to achieve (FBI, NSA, etc, suspect he was responsible, and the real responsible is a hard catch)

And with big stakes (he could go to prison for life, or sentenced to death penalty, etc).

The problem here is that Troy says this line in page 51. You can’t make the audience wait for half a movie to establish your hero’s goal. This is Act 1 material. Don’t take more than 20-25 pages to establish your protagonist goal; it’s what gives focus to your story (everything the protagonist does in Act 2 is in order to achieve his goal). If you wait too long, the reader won’t be able to identify the central conflict, and the story will appear like just a bunch of incidents.

But there’s a bigger problem. Few pages latter, the story takes a big turn: the mime is Troy’s daughter, Troy now works for the FBI, and his goal is to help them get Dr. Zahn.

The goal has changed. The opposition is gone; instead of working against the FBI, NSA, etc, Troy works with them. And now he’s not hunting down the mime, just a man with a terminal disease (weak opponent). And what’s at stake? Troy is no longer in danger of being wrongly convicted. It seemed to me that Dr. Zhan wanted to get Troy’s powers right? What happens if he does? There are already some bad guys around there with powers (Morbid, Ackron) so no big deal if Dr. Zahn succeds. No stakes.

Once the protagonist’s goal and central conflict is established, it can’t be resolved until Act 3. And during Act 2, the conflict must get worse for the protagonist, not better. Act 2 is quicksand, the more the hero tries to get out of trouble, the more he is sucked into it. The more Marty Mc. Fly tries to make her mother fall in love with his father, the more her mother falls in love with him.

One interesting complication is hinted within the story. Troy has to capture the real criminal in order to prove his innocence, and that criminal turns out to be his daughter. Now he has a dilemma: going to jail or sending his daughter to jail. Big conflict in this decision… but this angle is quickly abandoned when you clear Troy’s name.

And I read somewhere in the thread that you consider Sarah as the protagonist, right? Maybe she’s your favorite, but IMO, this script as written right now suggests Troy as a clear protagonist, not Sarah.

(MORE)

Small stuff.

Some additional notes I made along the way

P.1 “(Scared)”.

Don’t use parenthicals to establish emotions that are already clear in the context that the lines are spoken. You already described the priest’s “frightened face”, and he’s saying “Dear God”. It’s clear he’s scared, loose the parenthical.

You’ve got lots of these, loose them all. Unless you need to establish some kind of detail that can’t be deduced by the content of the line that is spoken by the character. Like for example:

MR.Z
(whispering)
Hi.

P.10 We meet Troy…

Man… there’s got to be a more interesting way to present your main character. I mean, Troy has quite an interesting background despite being a teacher. You can do better than a boring science class. I can imagine that Neo spent a lot of lonely and boring nights eating pizza in front of his computer… but we meet him just when Trinity hacks in and gives him a quite intriguing message.

Later in the script I found a scene you could use: when Troy gets arrested. That could be a nice introduction for him, and ordinary teacher surrounded by an army as if he was the most dangerous man alive. And it could be quite intriguing as well… if it wasn’t for the previous pages of exposition about Troy’s background.

You could work on the mystery angle a bit more. The first thing we learn about Neo is that everyone is after him (agents, Trinity, etc), then we know why. You could make the audience wonder for a while, why this teacher is so important.

P.18/19 The audience can assume that agents Hartley and Stahl jumped in a car to go wherever it was they were going. You can cut this scene.

Troy’s release hurted your story’s believability big time. So much trouble to let him go? The authorities would have noticed before the arrest that they didn’t have proof against him (if they really cared about proofs). And I assume he wasn’t released by some kind of mistake, since there were so many agencies involved and his capture was so important.

P.50/51 You’ve got a phone conversation in which you want to show the character speaking each line. Changing locations with each line is distracting. These kind of scenes must be written this way:

INT. TOM’S ROOM  - NIGHT

Tom picks up a phone and dials a number.

INT. SARAH’S ROOM - NIGHT

A phone rings, Sara picks up.

SARAH
Hello.

INTERCUT - TOM AND SARAH

TOM
Blah blah blah
          
SARAH
Blah blah blah

Another thing that bothered me a bit: Once Troy is captured (for the second time) he’s taken away guarded only by two agents. He’s the suspect of breaking alone into a military facility and killing lots of marines. I would expect more security measures in taking him into custody.

The shielding idea was structurally well worked. And early plant (with Harley) with a pay off near the end (with Dr. Zahn) and you did right in trying to come up with some kind of kryptonite (as other reader called it) for Troy. But I think that the shielding idea pushes too far the telekinetic abilities of your characters and that it surpasses the audience’s suspense of disbelief.

I liked the dark feeling that the ending had. Although at that moment I realized that the Morbid/Akron subplot was a bit pointless to the story. It gives some depth to the sequel promise you make at the end but it hasn’t any other relevant dramatic purpose. Feels like a big plant with no payoff. I’d suggest you to cut this subplot.

Nothing more to add, hope that this comments may help you with further rewrites.

Good luck.

Thank Mr. Z for your comments. Although I dont agree with most. I certainly will remember thenm among others with revisions.

I tried reading this again and I got to about page sixty-five.  Unlike the others, I found this to be a very poorly written script.

Most of the complaints I had from my first read still apply here:

All of your characters are two-dimensional and extremely dull.  In fact, I can't even find one character even remotely interesting.  The Mime is just silly.  Why would someone with great telekinetic abilities resort to weapons and fistfighting?  Think about it!  Did Magnetto ever pulls a weapon in the X-Men movies?  Did he ever get physical with someone?  No!  He stood at a safe distance and let his powers do everything.

Stahl and Hartley are still extremely cliche.  I don't think you did any revisions at all from your earlier drafts (though you said you did).  All your characters talk exactly the same.  Even all the security personnel in the opening scene sounded like ordinary people.  There was no military jargon spoken (shouting code six!  code six! is not  enough).  Doctor Zhan's physician did not sound like a doctor at all; his doialogue couldn't be any less believeable you you have him refer to Zhan's condition as a boo-boo.

Even though I just put the script down, I can't remember anything about Troy except that he has telekinetic powers.

Considering all the bloodshed in the opening sequence, it was extremely dull.  And again with the name 'Special Research Center.'  It sounds like a name that Stan Lee used in the early sixties.  You placed it in Washington DC, which is a very small place.  There's no room there for secret installations.  Though, given what you've written, this place is probably no bigger than a delicatessen.  Kent radioes to security that there's trouble in the back hall.  The back hall?  I take it there's a front all also....and that's it.

I mentioned the first time out that the head of security in a major facility like this would not be a lowly sargeant.  And Kent still is.

If all this started on a military installation, why would the military bring in the local police, the FBI, the NSA and every other government agency?  Why not have the military--or rather that particular branch of the military--handle all this?  The military does not have any control over these other agencies.  For any of them to work together, requires more work than "Hey, let's get him!"  I saw no chain of command in any of this; it was like reading about a bunch of dogs chasing after one ball.  Reduce everything down to the military and cut back on your characters.

On the bottom of page four, you wrote, The figure reveals himself to be THE MIME, a masked man.  He's already revealed himself on page two, remember, though he didn't identify himself in anyway.

Why do you introduce characters by their nationalities.  You have the Black Marine, an Irish man, white male, a Russian man, a Thai butler, and a man in Arab garb.  Are you racist?

I mentioned earlier that you have to trim the fat and you did get rid of some.  A big source of fat, here are all your scene headers.  In a spec script, they're only needed when the story breaks up.  You don't need to have one when a guy enters his garage and walks to his car....and when the car is in his car....and when the car is outside the garage (I made this scene up but my argument holds).  If it flows, you don't need additional headers.

I found your explanation of psionics to be very simplistic.  You have to explain it better than this.

Why would an FBI Agent have her phone number listed in the phone book?  And her cel number mentioned in her answering machine greeting?  Don't FBI agents have enemies?

An FBI Agent would not try to draw a weapon when there are four armed robbers with shotguns all around her.  She would let them rob the place in hopes of avoiding a firefight that she is heavily outnumbers.  BTW, shotguns don't shoot bullet.

Why wouldn't Kent be recuperating in a military hospital?

On page 44, you wrote Stahl saying, "Yes, but Shade fit the profile for a homeopath...  Shade fits the profile of natural medicine?  Maybe you mean sociopath?

On page 63, you wrote someone saying:  You are hooked to chemical instruments to measure your energy, and a seismograph to monitor your brain patterns when you move the objects located on the table..  Seismographs register movement in the earth's crust.  It doesn't measure brainwaves.

These are only a fraction of the problems I found here in this script.  And I'm sorry for going so Simon Cowell on your ass, but I feel as if I wasted my time reading it.  Spend less time writing and more time reseearching what you're going to write.  Don't concentrate on the visuals in a script; concentrate on characters and story.  Without these, visuals mean absolutely nothing.


Phil

Hey Mr Z, im sorry i didnt notice you editted you review and I will comment that soon ( im about to go out)

Doggle - Okay

Quoted from JD_OK Hey Mr Z, im sorry i didnt notice you editted you review and I will comment that soon

Just corrected a couple of typos on the same day I posted my review. There's nothing new you could comment on.

Yea doggle my script sucks, maybe thats why im a quarter finalist on

http://www.soyouwannasellascript.com/source/competitionplacings.cfm?competitionyear=2006

Mr Z. I read your feedback again, but im curtrently drunk and I cant type for a damn. i like what you had to say. clear and pointed. agin I will reply directly soon!

Quoted from dogglebe This is why I hate doing review exchanges.  Don't forget, JD, that you came to me, asking to read your script.  I didn't come to you.  You wanted my opinion.  I read your script (most of it).  I didn't like it.  I found a lot of problems with it.  I posted an honest review of it. In return, you read my script and, pretty much, commented on formatting and gramma.  To top it off, you finished your review while you were drunk. Phil

Pia, I wasnt being rude. I never would have said "I wasted my time" on anyone script on a exchange. Granted i have reviewed some bad ones and good ones. I call out what i see and dont have a " i've wasted me time with you" stamp after im done.

Contest - In the first elimination round the initial 30 pages of the script will be read and judged. The submissions receiving the top two hundred (200) scores will proceed to the second elimination round where the entire submission will be read in total and scored based upon the same judging criteria as round one.

Format and Style
Story and Structure
Originality and Appeal
Characterization and Dialogue As you can see, it took alil more of just format and rules.

I just said OKAy and My script sucks enough to make it quarter finals.

Phil - I got that far in reading cuz I was going out. As i stating I write things out as I go. since I didnt FINISH the story, i wont comment about the overall story and developement of character and so forth, til i have take it all in and the story whole.

Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.

I came to you for your opinion cuz You seem to be respected around here and you have shorts made/so maybe you are doing something right. But i just s feel a negative vibe which comes from you toward me. Which can we seen in your 1st response on ppage one. I just thought I was a rookie writer and what you had say was better then I knew at the time.

As time went  on, I have learned alot of things. And your respectful opinion is no longer admired by me.

Quoted from JD_OK Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.

You felt like you wasted your time because Phil felt like he wasted his?  Sounds like you're critiquing out of spite.

Quoted from JD_OK I came to you for your opinion cuz You seem to be respected around here and you have shorts made/so maybe you are doing something right. But i just s feel a negative vibe which comes from you toward me. Which can we seen in your 1st response on ppage one. I just thought I was a rookie writer and what you had say was better then I knew at the time. As time went  on, I have learned alot of things. And your respectful opinion is no longer admired by me.

One thing you should have learned is that Phil is very honest with his criticism.  He won't judge out of anger or hatred toward a writer.  If he likes the script, hell tell and he'll tell you why.  If he doesn't like it, he'll tell you and he'll tell you why.

If you ignored his comments from the first time he reviewed your script, I can see him getting upset reading it a second time, particularly when it comes to bad characterization.  Nothing drags a story out like 2-dimensional characters.

I've read Phil's work.  He's a great story teller and he's very good at critiquing other people's work.  He doesn't just say that a script is good or bad.  

You come off as someone whose feelings are hurt because he didn't like what you wrote.

Quoted from wonkavite You felt like you wasted your time because Phil felt like he wasted his?  Sounds like you're critiquing out of spite.

Wrong. if you reviewing someones work exchange for yours. And they "wont" finish it. You wouldnt feel like you also wasted your time reading someones work who wont finish yours?

Quoted from wonkavite One thing you should have learned is that Phil is very honest with his criticism.  He won't judge out of anger or hatred toward a writer.  If he likes the script, hell tell and he'll tell you why.  If he doesn't like it, he'll tell you and he'll tell you why. If you ignored his comments from the first time he reviewed your script, I can see him getting upset reading it a second time, particularly when it comes to bad characterization.  Nothing drags a story out like 2-dimensional characters. I've read Phil's work.  He's a great story teller and he's very good at critiquing other people's work.  He doesn't just say that a script is good or bad.

I understand his comments.... see below

Quoted from wonkavite You come off as someone whose feelings are hurt because he didn't like what you wrote.

Im not hurt by he didnt like it cuz he states why he doesnt like it. What pisses me off is that he said he wasted his time. That was out of line/uncalled for.

Normally, I don't get involved in this kind of stuff but since you also contacted me for an exchange, I feel I might as well say something, considering you and Phil got into this mess under the same circumstances...

Perhaps Phil saying he wasted his time seems uncalled for but the fact is he read your script, told you what he didn't like and why he didn't like it. His review seemed pretty thorough to me. The only part of your argument I find justifiable is the fact that Phil didn't finish your script. On the other hand, posting a drunk review for someone else's script is pretty low to say the least.

Quoted from JD_OK Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.

If that's what you feel you have to do, I suggest you do it. Not saying it's right or wrong, I'm simply saying if that's what you want, there's no reason to carry this argument any further.

In any case, this doesn't effect our exchange. I'll continue to read your script and post a full review as soon as I can.

Quoted from James McClung The only part of your argument I find justifiable is the fact that Phil didn't finish your script. On the other hand, posting a drunk review for someone else's script is pretty low to say the least.

I think people got the wrong idea. I was drunk only when I replied here last night to phils comments.

When I read and posted my partial review I was very sober. My review wasnt done cuz i hadnt finished the script. So after last of seeing he wasted his time.

I editted my last night from saying "  I will finish soon!" to

"I expected more from you. i feel like I have wasted my time..."

Quoted from JD_OK I think people got the wrong idea. I was drunk only when I replied here last night to phils comments. When I read and posted my partial review I was very sober.

My mistake. Perhaps I misinterpretted something I read in a previous post.

Regardless, I think my initial post still stands.