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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 34832 views)
dogglebe
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of the comments I made in my first review (from the 1st draft), apply to the second review (from the third draft).  The characters and dialogue are two dimensional.  The FBI agents are extremely cliche.  The story dragged on.  While I didn't mention it in the second review, there's too many television screens in that military briefing room.  The name of the Special Research Center sounds like something out of an old comic book.  The marine in charge of security at a military installation is only a sargeant.  The list goes on and on.

You didn't make any changes based on anything I wrote the first time.  In other words, I read the same nonsensical problems the second time that I did the first time.  Why did you value my opinionenough to ask me to read your work a second time if you disregarded what I wrote the first time.

In other words, why did I waste my time reading that script a second time?  


Phil
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JD_OK
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe


In other words, why did I waste my time reading that script a second time?  


Phil


Becuz, I did make alot of great changes to the story and script. The ones at the beginning i didnt agree on. So at time I felt it was okay that you didnt finish the script.

But you still did not complete the script and I understand your reasons of why to you, couldnt finish it. But dont state you wasted your time when your time isnt being wasted when My time is spent reviewing and giving feedback on your script. So there for stating you wasted your time is a insult.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Kevan
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I've gotta’ say, JD, the review Phil wrote for your script is one of the larger reviews I've read of Phil's and it was a very good review in my opinion. Phil makes some pretty fine points. Sure he doesn't hold any punches back but you ain't gonna' learn anything if you don't take any notice of more experienced writers when they point out errors and mistakes in your work.

Rather than take it personally, you should be grateful to Phil, he's provided you will some decent coverage for your script and the least you can do is repay the man and read his script, like you originally promised.

Fairs fair in love and war, man!
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JD_OK
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kevan
I've gotta’ say, JD, the review Phil wrote for your script is one of the larger reviews I've read of Phil's and it was a very good review in my opinion. Phil makes some pretty fine points. Sure he doesn't hold any punches back but you ain't gonna' learn anything if you don't take any notice of more experienced writers when they point out errors and mistakes in your work.

Rather than take it personally, you should be grateful to Phil, he's provided you will some decent coverage for your script and the least you can do is repay the man and read his script, like you originally promised.

Fairs fair in love and war, man!


Dood, I never said his comments werent valid/good. I did read and post partial review on his work. Point I'm making is that he insulted me, but saying he wasted his time reading. When people do a exchange.  You recieve feed back for feedback.  Tell me how getting feed back on your work by giving feedback on others gives you the pleasure in saying "I wasted my time"

Notice everyone (who havent read the script yet) jumping my ass here over Doggle "review"
So You could validly agree or disagree. He still has yet to even reply to my post on his thread, not even before he posted his feedback here.

I found tons of problems in his script but not once did I feel I needed to stop from completing this exchange like he did. He didnt finish his part of the deal and insulted me. End of story guys.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Z

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it�s clear that you didn�t only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.


Thanks for noticing


Quoted from Mr.Z

Powers

Troy and others like him have a great diversity of powers. They can choke opponents like Darth Vader, move things around like Carrie, walk on water like Jesus, levitate like Magneto, throw lightning punches, throw kicks like martial artists, make �shielding� spells like a voodoo witch, etc. That�s a lot of abilities.


Wow, I like you noticed all of theses, but you forgot healing, and burning


Quoted from Mr.Z

Usually, the design of superhero-like characters must follow certain logic. Spiderman can jump, climb and make spider webs because that�s spiders� natural abilities and he acquired them. His powers �make sense� because there�s a certain correlation between their nature and their source. Your characters, on the other hand, seem capable of too much.


Not necessarily. I broke up what each can do. Arkon, is able to walk on water, and turn glass back to sand with his hand.  

Troy's talents- beside "tk" (like Sarah) is Healing, stop bullets with energy, instead of usen the light for deflection, like Sarah.

Mime - Is more acrobatic, she can levitate, since she is more of a newbie to her abilities she is more spuratic on her usage or overage of her energy. She runs super fast and jumps high.

Common abilities is super strength granted by psi/adrenaline activation.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Furthermore, if you have certain pattern that limits the hero�s powers (i.e. Magneto can only handle metals) you have more room to make your hero show some creativity in the use of them. If the hero is capable of anything, he will not have to show much effort in getting out of trouble and it will be very difficult for you to put him in trouble as well. This is what�s so cool about Magneto�s escape from prison in X-2; since his powers are limited, his opponents were able to build a prison strong enough to contain him, and he had to use his powers in a very clever way to get out (with some help, but his plan was excellent and a delight to watch).


Good point for my to elaborate on. PSI IS REAL, and Im try to keep it as realistic as possible. Shielding is the counter for "tk". So like how x1 ended with magneto's capture. Exspect something like this in the sequel of a way to contain people like this.
This story is more orless about conflict between Some one who wants what they have, someone who doesnt want what they have and someone trying to stay out of it and other trying to figure it out.  Sequel is when I dont have back. I cant deliver everything just to be rehatched.



Quoted from Mr.Z


I�d bet that Troy could kick Magneto�s ass in a fight, yet I still find Magneto more interesting for the reasons explained above.


Understood.



Quoted from Mr.Z


Most people are familiar with telekinesis, that�s an angle you can work on. But �shielding�, levitating, walking on water, lightning punches, Darth chocking, etc, would be pushing too much the audience�s suspense of disbelief.

I�d suggest to try to limit the supernatural angle of this story in order to make it more focused and more believable.


Levitating, what hard to believe in this - What is to say She doesnt use TK to lift herself or even her boots like magneto does to fly in x-men.

Walking on water - Jesus did it, S what hard to believe with what is explained this isnt possible?

Lighting punches- There isnt a lightning punch. if you are reffering to sarah punch throughthe steel door into the scared marine. It is no different from The first ball of Newton's cradle ball bounces through and the outside ball flies out. Energy is just a visual of how it passes though and out to otherside.

"Darth" Choking is no different from physically strangling someone, but they use psi to do it against those who dont shield



Quoted from Mr.Z


Goal. Stakes. Opposition.

Watch the first 20-30 minutes (or first act) in any plot driven script and you�ll notice that usually (not always, but most times) during this bit, three things are established:

1)A goal. The protagonist must achieve something (i.e. stopping the villain�s world domination plan in a superhero film, getting the girl in a rom-com, etc).

2)Stakes. If the protagonist fails, something very bad will happen. That�s why in �24� Jack Bauer often risks his life to obtain things like a stupid chip, because that chip is the only clue to find the terrorists before they attack and millions of people die.

3)Opposition. Achieving the goal is not easy; there are forces working against the protagonist. If not, the movie would be quite boring (no conflict) and last no more than half an hour.

The goal, difficult to achieve, with high stakes is what defines the movie�s central conflict.

Not every movie follow this formula, but if you�re a new writer expecting to sell a plot-driven, high budget sci-fi actioner written on spec, you�d better follow it.

This is the most important line in your script: �Troy: No... there�s only one way out of this and that is to find him myself�.

It defines a protagonist (Troy).

With a clearly defined goal (find the responsible of breaking into the special research facility).

Difficult to achieve (FBI, NSA, etc, suspect he was responsible, and the real responsible is a hard catch)

And with big stakes (he could go to prison for life, or sentenced to death penalty, etc).

The problem here is that Troy says this line in page 51. You can�t make the audience wait for half a movie to establish your hero�s goal. This is Act 1 material. Don�t take more than 20-25 pages to establish your protagonist goal; it�s what gives focus to your story (everything the protagonist does in Act 2 is in order to achieve his goal). If you wait too long, the reader won�t be able to identify the central conflict, and the story will appear like just a bunch of incidents.

But there�s a bigger problem. Few pages latter, the story takes a big turn: the mime is Troy�s daughter, Troy now works for the FBI, and his goal is to help them get Dr. Zahn.

The goal has changed. The opposition is gone; instead of working against the FBI, NSA, etc, Troy works with them. And now he�s not hunting down the mime, just a man with a terminal disease (weak opponent). And what�s at stake? Troy is no longer in danger of being wrongly convicted. It seemed to me that Dr. Zhan wanted to get Troy�s powers right? What happens if he does? There are already some bad guys around there with powers (Morbid, Ackron) so no big deal if Dr. Zahn succeds. No stakes.

Once the protagonist�s goal and central conflict is established, it can�t be resolved until Act 3. And during Act 2, the conflict must get worse for the protagonist, not better. Act 2 is quicksand, the more the hero tries to get out of trouble, the more he is sucked into it. The more Marty Mc. Fly tries to make her mother fall in love with his father, the more her mother falls in love with him.

One interesting complication is hinted within the story. Troy has to capture the real criminal in order to prove his innocence, and that criminal turns out to be his daughter. Now he has a dilemma: going to jail or sending his daughter to jail. Big conflict in this decision� but this angle is quickly abandoned when you clear Troy�s name.

And I read somewhere in the thread that you consider Sarah as the protagonist, right? Maybe she�s your favorite, but IMO, this script as written right now suggests Troy as a clear protagonist, not Sarah.

(MORE)


very interestly put, but you answer you own question. Troy's new conflict is 2 things. He said " Im the only one who can stop her" He will help bring down Dr Zahn. At end of this scene Stahl says" then we know what has to be done"

So the new conflict to the choice is having to kill his murdering daughter. Which she is only getting revenge and the audience can relate to her pain. Now even in V for Vendetta killed nnocent guards just doin their jobs, does make him less of the hero for his revenge?

1st act goal for central "good guys/FBI" is to try and get the man responsible. They think they have him,but not enuff to hold.

2nd act. conflict they have the evidence they points to Troy and now the goal is to clear his name.

3rd- Conflict is now how will it end? Will Troy betray her like the mom? Will Zahn succeed? What about Arkon and Morbid? There is all those conflicts waiting to explode after the turn to help FBI.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 22nd, 2007, 6:45pm
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Mr.Z
Small stuff.

Some additional notes I made along the way

P.1 �(Scared)�.

Don�t use parenthicals to establish emotions that are already clear in the context that the lines are spoken. You already described the priest�s �frightened face�, and he�s saying �Dear God�. It�s clear he�s scared, loose the parenthical.

good point. But i removed this beginning.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Later in the script I found a scene you could use: when Troy gets arrested. That could be a nice introduction for him, and ordinary teacher surrounded by an army as if he was the most dangerous man alive. And it could be quite intriguing as well� if it wasn�t for the previous pages of exposition about Troy�s background.

Understood. good suggestion

[quote=Mr.Z]
Troy�s release hurted your story�s believability big time. So much trouble to let him go? The authorities would have noticed before the arrest that they didn�t have proof against him (if they really cared about proofs). And I assume he wasn�t released by some kind of mistake, since there were so many agencies involved and his capture was so important.


I gotta disagree with you on that. Everyone sent was for precaution. Like why does army of police barricade one man with a guy inside a house?

Also GOV can bring anyone in for questioning. Example The Natalie Holloway case in cuba. The vandersoot guy was main suspect, brought in and released then they get more evidence and rearrest him, he friends and his dad since they had more on him to hold then later he is freed once evidence they had appeared in court wasnt enough for pretrial.


Quoted from Mr.Z


P.50/51 You�ve got a phone conversation in which you want to show the character speaking each line. Changing locations with each line is distracting. These kind of scenes must be written this way:

INT. TOM�S ROOM  - NIGHT

Tom picks up a phone and dials a number.

INT. SARAH�S ROOM - NIGHT

A phone rings, Sara picks up.

SARAH
Hello.

INTERCUT - TOM AND SARAH

TOM
Blah blah blah
          
SARAH
Blah blah blah



Valid point my friend. I prolly change to this.


Quoted from Mr.Z


Another thing that bothered me a bit: Once Troy is captured (for the second time) he�s taken away guarded only by two agents. He�s the suspect of breaking alone into a military facility and killing lots of marines. I would expect more security measures in taking him into custody.


Natually he would be,but since the dirty NSA agents are calling th shots, they dont plan for peope to be around so they can do what Zahn wants with Troy.


Quoted from Mr.Z

The shielding idea was structurally well worked. And early plant (with Harley) with a pay off near the end (with Dr. Zahn) and you did right in trying to come up with some kind of kryptonite (as other reader called it) for Troy. But I think that the shielding idea pushes too far the telekinetic abilities of your characters and that it surpasses the audience�s suspense of disbelief.


Thanks but Im not dont understand fully what you mean here? If someone is shielding it only stops for they energy passing thru them. Does stop from things directed at them.


Quoted from Mr.Z


I liked the dark feeling that the ending had. Although at that moment I realized that the Morbid/Akron subplot was a bit pointless to the story. It gives some depth to the sequel promise you make at the end but it hasn�t any other relevant dramatic purpose. Feels like a big plant with no payoff. I�d suggest you to cut this subplot.
.


This is necessary for the illusion of a greater enemy coming for them I believe it serves as a great tease for whats to come next by the end of the story.

Thanks for your good suggestions and much appreciated feedback


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 23rd, 2007, 12:32am
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Quoted from dogglebe
  The Mime is just silly.  Why would someone with great telekinetic abilities resort to weapons and fistfighting?  Think about it!  Did Magnetto ever pulls a weapon in the X-Men movies?  Did he ever get physical with someone?  No!  He stood at a safe distance and let his powers do everything.


Clearly since you didnt finish the script, Your statement is answered. The more energy they use, then make theirselves weaker. Just as if you worked out at the Gym, after loong work out u become very tired. Magneto's powers are at no limit... Thus fist fighting, weps use less enegry then break  bones and what not.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Considering all the bloodshed in the opening sequence, it was extremely dull.  And again with the name 'Special Research Center.'  It sounds like a name that Stan Lee used in the early sixties.  You placed it in Washington DC, which is a very small place.  There's no room there for secret installations.  Though, given what you've written, this place is probably no bigger than a delicatessen.  Kent radioes to security that there's trouble in the back hall.  The back hall?  I take it there's a front all also....and that's it.


More or less, this story wasnt your cup of Tea Phil. Opening is far from dull. I have had many professionals claim my openning is great/strength and starts the story off to show this reality is not  regular.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
I mentioned the first time out that the head of security in a major facility like this would not be a lowly sargeant.  And Kent still is.


Offer proof, instead of just stating.


Quoted from dogglebe
  

If all this started on a military installation, why would the military bring in the local police, the FBI, the NSA and every other government agency?  Why not have the military--or rather that particular branch of the military--handle all this?  The military does not have any control over these other agencies.  For any of them to work together, requires more work than "Hey, let's get him!"  I saw no chain of command in any of this; it was like reading about a bunch of dogs chasing after one ball.  Reduce everything down to the military and cut back on your characters.


Called Jurisdiction. It happens in DC, Troy is in another city. People killed, that one marines, but they lived else where. They want him picked up immediately. wc is 90miles away from castle minor. Dr. Zahn/NSA represent McCaine's wants for Troy.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On the bottom of page four, you wrote, The figure reveals himself to be THE MIME, a masked man.  He's already revealed himself on page two, remember, though he didn't identify himself in anyway.


Head/face isnt revealed on two. Full body is revealed on 6.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why do you introduce characters by their nationalities.  You have the Black Marine, an Irish man, white male, a Russian man, a Thai butler, and a man in Arab garb.  Are you racist?


No, what kinda remark is that? Would u like to assume you main character is certain race then what he is suppose to be? Why would a white man be dressed in arab garb? Race plays a part for charactics



Quoted from dogglebe
  
I found your explanation of psionics to be very simplistic.  You have to explain it better than this.


Its simple because IT IS SIMPLE, look up psi will ya and you will see how simple the concept is but doing it is another. Why do things have to be so complex for it to make sense?


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why would an FBI Agent have her phone number listed in the phone book?  And her cel number mentioned in her answering machine greeting?  Don't FBI agents have enemies?


Its a phone number... creditors even have those numbers...


Quoted from dogglebe
  

An FBI Agent would not try to draw a weapon when there are four armed robbers with shotguns all around her.  She would let them rob the place in hopes of avoiding a firefight that she is heavily outnumbers.  BTW, shotguns don't shoot bullet.


Yea they would. They are law in forcement. Duty is to protect people.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why wouldn't Kent be recuperating in a military hospital?


I explained this clearly, that he was air lifted to civilian hospital due to the nature of his wounds.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On page 44, you wrote Stahl saying, "Yes, but Shade fit the profile for a homeopath...  Shade fits the profile of natural medicine?  Maybe you mean sociopath?


Good point.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On page 63, you wrote someone saying:  You are hooked to chemical instruments to measure your energy, and a seismograph to monitor your brain patterns when you move the objects located on the table..  Seismographs register movement in the earth's crust.  It doesn't measure brainwaves.


Good point, but It was suppose to say, to measure brain viberations instead of patterns. I will correct


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 23rd, 2007, 12:39am
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Alfred Hitchcock
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The fade in is on the wrong side, seriously man get that fixed!


A note about this war room scene. What I would have done (but this is just me) with this scene is to have many refrences to Dr. Strangelove in the scene like many questions being asked one after the other (very thorough and anal questions) for a long while and refrences to various classic lines in Dr. Strangelove. But this is just me. or maybe you were trying this with Dr. Zahn? lol the introduction of the character is identical to Dr. Strangelove. Lol whenever Dr. Zahn comes on I imagine him looking like Dr. Strangelove too!

Mr. Morbid? Lol, that sounds like the name of a spoof of a James Bond villian. This is not negatively meant. I'm just pointing it out

Page 19. Sarah's answering machine message. If you want you can add some comedy here in the outgoing message. Change it to something like "Hi, this is Sarah. I'm not home right now, but if you'll leave your name and number after you hear the beep, I'll send you your dime back. Or maybe I'll call you. Who are you, anyway? Wipe that grin off your face and speak up.". This adds to the mood of your script and adds to the character.

No need for another period after the O in (V.O)
Number your pages. This is important. I cannot stress this point too strongly! NUMBER YOUR PAGES!

An error on the bottom of page 4. Character name KENT is on the bottom page and his dialouge is in the top of page 5.

An error on bottom page 5. The headliner is on the bottom page 4 and the action is on the top page 6. It's better to have the headliner "INT. HOUSE - DAY" be at the top of a new page than at the bottom of another one. Just looks better. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.

Error on page 6. "Footsteps" is one word.

Error on page 7. "his outside check point"? First off, the sentence makes no sense. "He's outside checkpoint!" maybe? And also "Checkpoint" is one word.

Error on page 8. "Gunfire" is one word.

Format error on page 9. "They're your average, slacker type of guys; smart with a little attitude.". You can't write this in an action paragraph. Show us HOW they're slackers and/or smart with their actions and dialouge.

"You can't fight in here, this is the war room!" My thoughts immediately went to that line when i read "INT. WAR ROOM". But you might wanna add a " - DAY" there. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.

Error on bottom page 11 and top page 12. add the character's name and a "(cont'd) when the dialouge goes over to another page uninterrupted. This is a problem repeated several times in your script.

Error on page 14. "EXT. FBI BUILDING PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON" should be changed to "EXT. FBI BUILDING - PARKING LOT - DAY". Afternoon and day is the same thing. Either use DAY, NIGHT, DUSK or DAWN. And only use DUSK or DAWN when it's essenscial to the story, 'cause it's easier to start shooting at night or day in stead of having just a small time window of dusk or dawn. This is a problem which occurs several times in your script.

Page 16. Marc's first lines. "So, where's this guy?" reads better as "So, where is this guy?"

Error on page 20. Too many spaces between the "police escort troy to stahl's car." and "INT. FBI HEADQUERTERS".

Error on page 23. "The pleasure is all mine i assure you." Is supposed to be "The plesaure is all mine, I assure you.". There's almost always a comme before an "I" in the middle of a sentence.

Error on page 25. "EXT/INT. SUV - NIGHT". Suv? "CAR" would do.

Error on page 27. Don't use "pause" or "beat". In stead write in what the character does in the pause like "looks around his shoulder" or "looks at her".

Error on page 27. "Her eye's widen." That's some bad grammar dude. "Her eyes widen" is the correct phrase. "Her eye's widen" means that her eye is widen. Which just doesn't make any damn sense now does it?

Error on page 29. Please refrain from using too many of these "..." in your script. Same as with "pause" or "beat". Have some description of what she's doing during that small pause. This is an error which occurs many times in your script.

Error on page 30. "Everybody get the fuck down and don't move!!". One exclamation point will do. Two are never used. Either only one or three in special cases.

Error on page 31. "ALL OF IT!". Please refrain from using all upper case letters in a sentence. Have a "(screaming)" or "(yelling)" over it in stead.

Error on page 31. "Asshole" is one word.

This is a tierdsome proccess. I'm gonna stop my grammar and format check here. I think you get the picture. Your script needs a serious revision.

Now, despite the suprisingly huge amount of format and grammar errors i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good. My biggest grief with this script was the occasional stale dialouge. You gotta learn how to use "'re" and "'s"'s more in your dialouge and make it flow better. Other than that quite an excellent job!


When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
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Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
The fade in is on the wrong side, seriously man get that fixed! No need for another period after the O in (V.O)


Final draft does this, so it must be correct...

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock


Number your pages. This is important. I cannot stress this point too strongly! NUMBER YOUR PAGES!


They are, but see when i convert file to rtf and then to pdf for everyone to view it doesnt have the page numbers...


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

An error on the bottom of page 4. Character name KENT is on the bottom page and his dialouge is in the top of page 5.

An error on bottom page 5. The headliner is on the bottom page 4 and the action is on the top page 6. It's better to have the headliner "INT. HOUSE - DAY" be at the top of a new page than at the bottom of another one. Just looks better. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.


Again this is becuz of the file convert. I know it not suppose to look that way. but MOST epople have have final draft so they can view my correct format.


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Error on page 6. "Footsteps" is one word.

Error on page 7. "his outside check point"? First off, the sentence makes no sense. "He's outside checkpoint!" maybe? And also "Checkpoint" is one word.

Error on page 8. "Gunfire" is one word.

occurs several times in your script.

Page 16. Marc's first lines. "So, where's this guy?" reads better as "So, where is this guy?"

Error on page 20. Too many spaces between the "police escort troy to stahl's car." and "INT. FBI HEADQUERTERS".

Error on page 23. "The pleasure is all mine i assure you." Is supposed to be "The plesaure is all mine, I assure you.". There's almost always a comme before an "I" in the middle of a sentence.
Error on page 27. "Her eye's widen." That's some bad grammar dude. "Her eyes widen" is the correct phrase. "Her eye's widen" means that her eye is widen. Which just doesn't make any damn sense now does it?

Thanks for spotting those. Hence corrected...


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Error on page 27. Don't use "pause" or "beat". In stead write in what the character does in the pause like "looks around his shoulder" or "looks at her".


No these are fine... I dont use them Alot just a few times.




Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Now, despite the suprisingly huge amount of format and grammar errors i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good. My biggest grief with this script was the occasional stale dialouge. You gotta learn how to use "'re" and "'s"'s more in your dialouge and make it flow better. Other than that quite an excellent job!


Re's? and S's? Thanks for read... but how do i know you actually read past page 31 and you kind just said what others said in reviews? ;0)



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Alfred Hitchcock
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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it ended on some sort of a promise on a follow up tv show. I dunno! I don't do that, you just gonna have to trust me.

But it doens't really matter how many times you use beat or pause. Writing what the chartacter is doing in stead just reads better is all.


When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
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JD_OK
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
it ended on some sort of a promise on a follow up tv show. I dunno! I don't do that, you just gonna have to trust me.

But it doens't really matter how many times you use beat or pause. Writing what the chartacter is doing in stead just reads better is all.


I see where you are coming from.

*******UPDATE******

hey I wanted to say thank you to everyone once again! Becuz of great feedback, I found out today, that this script (formerly T.K.)  made top 32 (quarter finals) out of 783 entries to sellascript.com


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 25th, 2007, 3:10am
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James McClung
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Decided to just finish this up in a single sitting...


pg. 15 – A picture of Jesus beside the "she’s just asleep girl." Huh?

pg. 21 – Why does Troy, I assume, choke Stahl? He’s in an interrogation room. Wouldn’t he be trying to avoid suspicion?

- I think Troy might be getting off a little too easy. He has a tattoo on his arm tracing him to the Psiom project. Maybe that’s not enough evidence, exactly, but the fact that he's the only one linked to the Psiom project is considerably suspicious. I don’t think these guys, especially Zahn, would be so quick to release him. Maybe if Zahn made an attempt to reveal his powers or perhaps simply another line of questioning would do the trick. I mean, they gotta do something. Troy basically walks.

Pg. 26 – Morbid wouldn’t be able to use a cell phone on the plane. It disrupts the plane’s signals. Have him use one of the plane's phones.

- Why would Heartly pull a gun on four armed men? This is just ludicrous. I’m sure the FBI trained her otherwise. Besides, Troy's the one who gets them out of this mess. Whether or not Heartly decides to act makes little difference. I think it'd just sit better with people if she didn't act.

pg. 33 – Shotguns shoot shells, not bullets.

pg. 37 – It doesn’t make sense that they would keep the Psi files on paper. I’m thinking something computer related.

- Shielding is too simple. It almost renders Troy's powers useless. Perhaps if it were a little more difficult...

pg. 51 – Why does the Mime shoot Brown in the legs? He gets shot in the head only a moment later.

pg. 89 – I don’t understand why the scared marine’s body explodes. It was cool, don't get me wrong. I just don't get it.

pg. 92 – Lose the FADE TO BLACK.

This was a generally good read but not excellent and it could be excellent. The plot is original, the action is well written and exciting, and the visuals are cool. Nevertheless, the character department is in need of work. Big time!

I thought Troy was a poor character. He has no personality and almost no development at all. We get his life story but it's literally read off a screen, which is a cheap form of development. Not to mention none of this information is of any consequence.

The other characters were just as bland. You need to give each of them an individual personality and, at least, some backstory. Sarah is the only exception IMO. I found her character interesting, unique, and just about the only one with any real development.

You also have a serious lack of antagonist. There are three of them (Zahn, Arkon, and Morbid) yet their presence in the script is severely downplayed. Seriously. I barely understood the Arkon/Morbid subplot at all. You may as well not have included them, especially since there is no closure to the subplot.

In the third act, you make Zahn up to be the main antagonist. If this is the case, you need to expand his role. There needs to be an antagonist consistent throughout the story. As of now, you don't have that.

All in all, a decent read but it needs some work. I think after you beef up the characters, you'll be in excellent shape.


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JD_OK
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung

pg. 15 � A picture of Jesus beside the "she�s just asleep girl." Huh?


You would have to know alittle bit of the bible stories to get this, Where a poor man's daughter is dead and people gather to Jesus to help her. He comes to their home and states, she is not dead, but sleeping, he heals her and she is awakend once again.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 21 � Why does Troy, I assume, choke Stahl? He�s in an interrogation room. Wouldn�t he be trying to avoid suspicion?


Exactly, that is why, Stahl is smacking on gum, so we don't know if Troy did it or choking on the gum.


Quoted from James McClung

- I think Troy might be getting off a little too easy. He has a tattoo on his arm tracing him to the Psiom project. Maybe that�s not enough evidence, exactly, but the fact that he's the only one linked to the Psiom project is considerably suspicious. I don�t think these guys, especially Zahn, would be so quick to release him. Maybe if Zahn made an attempt to reveal his powers or perhaps simply another line of questioning would do the trick. I mean, they gotta do something. Troy basically walks.


This is part of Dr. Zahn's plan, he doesnt really care who did it, but he wnts Troy framed for it. The file is from Dr. Zahn's files at SPR, there isnt any other record of it. helets Troy go so he can "show troy in action" at the bar for staging the robbery. his is how he gets the backing to fully do what he needs to capture Troy.


Quoted from James McClung

Pg. 26 � Morbid wouldn�t be able to use a cell phone on the plane. It disrupts the plane�s signals. Have him use one of the plane's phones.


Most people dont turn off thier cell phones, and Morbid being the man that he is, doesnt use it the phone, but opens it to read his text message.


Quoted from James McClung


- Why would Heartly pull a gun on four armed men? This is just ludicrous. I�m sure the FBI trained her otherwise. Besides, Troy's the one who gets them out of this mess. Whether or not Heartly decides to act makes little difference. I think it'd just sit better with people if she didn't act.


Becuz she feels she has got the dropp on one of them and now uses him as a shield. But soon fails when the Jamaican gets the drop on her.

Quoted from James McClung

pg. 33 � Shotguns shoot shells, not bullets.


Thanks, i will change this


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 37 � It doesn�t make sense that they would keep the Psi files on paper. I�m thinking something computer related.


This is answered earlier by Rallins, or wait I think I cut this part out lol. It use to be longer scene in war room, he stated everything has a paper trail b4 entered into computer main frames... maybe I should bring this back.


Quoted from James McClung

- Shielding is too simple. It almost renders Troy's powers useless. Perhaps if it were a little more difficult...


No, it simple just no1 knows about it or does it. You never said you not going to let anyone's bad attitude affect your day? Works on same principle. It doesnt kill the power, it just doesnt let them enter psi into their body. Which would leads to better things when people come after them who know about shielding.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 51 � Why does the Mime shoot Brown in the legs? He gets shot in the head only a moment later.


Just makes it more like an execution.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 89 � I don�t understand why the scared marine�s body explodes. It was cool, don't get me wrong. I just don't get it.


its work on the same principle of the Newton's Cradle. Her fist (first ball) hits the door, (energy passing through the balls) and his body explodes from the impact of the energy ( last ball flying out)




Quoted from James McClung

This was a generally good read but not excellent and it could be excellent. The plot is original, the action is well written and exciting, and the visuals are cool. Nevertheless, the character department is in need of work. Big time!


I agre, and your not only one to state this, My next draft will fix this problem!


Quoted from James McClung


The other characters were just as bland. You need to give each of them an individual personality and, at least, some backstory. Sarah is the only exception IMO. I found her character interesting, unique, and just about the only one with any real development.


I see where you are coming from.


Quoted from James McClung

You also have a serious lack of antagonist. There are three of them (Zahn, Arkon, and Morbid) yet their presence in the script is severely downplayed. Seriously. I barely understood the Arkon/Morbid subplot at all. You may as well not have included them, especially since there is no closure to the subplot.


Arkon and Morbid, are no different from the marovinji in matrix which he doent come into full play into part 3 of matrix. But is revelant in reloaded


Quoted from James McClung

In the third act, you make Zahn up to be the main antagonist. If this is the case, you need to expand his role. There needs to be an antagonist consistent throughout the story. As of now, you don't have that.


I see where you are coming from, but this is part of the twists and turns I set in motion.


Quoted from James McClung

All in all, a decent read but it needs some work. I think after you beef up the characters, you'll be in excellent shape.


Thanks for the read and I will make the necessary changes soon enough! And a new better title


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 25th, 2007, 10:15pm
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Quoted from JD_OK


*******UPDATE******

hey I wanted to say thank you to everyone once again! Becuz of great feedback, I found out today, that this script (formerly T.K.)  made top 32 (quarter finals) out of 783 entries to sellascript.com


JD,

It's obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into this script -- nice to see it paying off. Congrats!

Seth  


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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JD_OK
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Seth


JD,

It's obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into this script -- nice to see it paying off. Congrats!

Seth  


Thanks again Seth!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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