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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 34830 views)
Don
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) by JD Davis - Action -  When a supernatural killer breaks into a military facility and top secret files are stolen. The government goes after the only man documented to have this ability, Troy Kneddic. Troy, now on the run, goes through a whirl wind of lies and deception. He must even question his own sanity if he is to over come this obstacle to find the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.  Registered with WGA #1137626 96 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 5th, 2009, 7:23pm
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JD_OK
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Thank you to anyone who reads and gives their opions on weaknesses and strengths of my script.
Ill return the favor


Quoted from Rice Grenades

Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like.

Thank you for a good read, JD!



Quoted from bert
It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.


Quoted from sniper

This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.



Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

  This is probably the best script I have EVER read,  AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.  


Quoted from greg

So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!



Quoted from medstudent

Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story.
Joseph



Quoted from elis
Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Great script.  



Quoted from DDP

You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.



Quoted from Steve-Dave
a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool.



Quoted from BlueCat

The script has a lot going for it in terms of mystery
and action and atmosphere. There's a
lot of potential here!


Quoted from ericdickson

All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.   I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one.

4 out of 5 stars from me.    



Quoted from George Willson
My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. In fact, your final pages are quite well written



Quoted from darthbrion
I enjoyed the script and I liked how your nice twist at the end.  Without giving anything anyway you could easily do another chapter in this story.
Good job man.



Quoted from TAnthony
First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don’t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.



Quoted from guyjackson
  this is probably one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.   this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.



So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.



Quoted from mgj
you have something pretty good on your hands here



Quoted from dogglebe
And I'm sorry for going so Simon Cowell on your ass, but I feel as if I wasted my time reading it.



Quoted from mcornetto

I thought the concept was good – especially good if you are considering a series tie in.  



Quoted from kerrangster
With all said I loved the script.  



Quoted from Mr.Ripley
I enjoyed the idea very much.



Quoted from Shelton

Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there.

3/5



Quoted from Seth

JD,
You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it's clear that you didn't only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good.



Quoted from James McClung

I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story. Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.


Quoted from blackwrite
This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this.



Quoted from tonkatough
Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.



Quoted from silent0saint
The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent


Quoted from Scoob

Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one.
Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really
bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more.

I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with.










Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (36 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  June 3rd, 2007, 7:10pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 25th, 2006, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, JD_OK. I only read ten pages so far but it was a quite good introduction. I found the dialgoue to be decent. It needs a bit of tweaking that's all.  

The only probelms I see are some formatting issues such as a double space after a secondary heading and capitalizing a character's name when they are presented for the first time.

You also have too many long paragraphs. The rule of thumb is to write a minimal of 4 sentences for each paragraph. This does not limit you to one liners either.

This is a action script so take the initiative in spicy things up a bit with what we are going to see. Vary betteen one liners and 4 sentences. I hope you understand. Here's a weak example,

Jack pulls a gun out and points it at Paul

BOOM!

Paul lies flat on the ground, motionless.

Take WE's out and fix some of your descriptions since I had problems visualzing them.

You also mention DEAD AIR? What is that? I never heard of it before.

Also, you need to shorten the page length to the maxium of 120. That's right off the back.

So, I'm going to continue to read the script and inform you on how's it progressing.

Gabriel  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Thank! I understand totally what you mean, after the first 10 pages I calm it done with the paragraphs.  The double spacing after a heading is done by final draft standards.

Dead air I guess is a term where Im from.... Static noise. Like when you use a radio you are switching channels to find a radio station,  and when it not a strong signal, you get dead air.

Which did you have scene did you have trouble to visualize, I would like to get after those asap.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  August 26th, 2006, 3:07am
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Mr.Ripley
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pg. 4  I had diffcutly visualizing the scene where Moore I believe is hoisted up and then killed in the air.  

pg. 8 The other is when the Mime is entering the compound by breaking the glass.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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michel
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Hi JD,

I was enjoying your script. The action is good and I LOVED the scene between Troy and Jordan.
Unfortunately, I had to give up after the second half of the story. IMHO, the text is too "bushy". Paragraphs are far too long. No page numbers. You don't need to say "WE". Try to simplify, to tighten your action. There are too many characters. You have to clear things up a bit. It's a pity because the story is quite good and could be bankable.

Sorry, but try to do a shorter rewrite and let me know about it.

Hope this will help and you won't hold grudges about it

Michel   


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Mr.Ripley
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Hey, here's a review of about ten more pages:

"The obvious NERDS who have seen star wars to much." - I'm unsure about this. You should look into it.

"A Man back already napping away". Everything has to be present time so change it to naps.

"On the print out you see..." - no. the writer shows us what we see. dont be informative be descriptive.

Suddenly THE door shuts quickly -  forgot the

"the lights start to flicker; then off for a few moments then back on." fix this. I get your point just make it more effective

take off (beats) from the dialgoue. not necessary. better yet, write action to sepearte the dialgoue.

what happenED with the lights

"he points to another person, who is Chris; that eagerly has he hand raised with a PEN in it." fix this. too strange.

take off we's

he speaks in a soft tone as THEY pass people on their way

"They open the door and walk down a small narrow hall then turn the corner and we see other MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS sitting around the rectangle table TALKING." Run-on. fix it.

"rallins starts to pass out files around the table that has information about the facility." take off the part of information about the facility. not necessary info to add.

"of course not we are dealing with professionals here." fix it.

queue means forming a striaght line. I know what word you are trying to use but i think you mistaken the spelling of it.

Hill ACknowledges(i believe) the order.

"The VIDEO starts back when Hill standS over Moore's body then quickly turns around aiming at something then the Mime come into view behind him." another run-on.

pg. 20 Dr.Zahn's dialgoue: "he would demonstrate his abilites by lifting pencils,balls, things OF THAT NATURE and fly them around." I see him saying it this way. You could use it if you choose to.

One sentence down, you need to correct. add a comma in between ability and was.  

I'll see how I can go into the reading script. It's getting interesting now.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
Posted: August 29th, 2006, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
Hi JD,

I was enjoying your script. The action is good and I LOVED the scene between Troy and Jordan.
Unfortunately, I had to give up after the second half of the story. IMHO, the text is too "bushy". Paragraphs are far too long. No page numbers. You don't need to say "WE". Try to simplify, to tighten your action. There are too many characters. You have to clear things up a bit. It's a pity because the story is quite good and could be bankable.

Sorry, but try to do a shorter rewrite and let me know about it.

Hope this will help and you won't hold grudges about it

Michel   


Thanks guys!, Michael, i do understand about the paragraphs, They are heavy at the beginning , bar scene and then like 2 more scenes after the troy and jordan, so i hope that changes your mind about finishing it. But YES! i am goin try and get it tighter. I just didnt know what I can cut off,  every scene i fell is necessary.
Perhaps you can tell me what you felt could be left out?

The pages arent numbered? Well I just copied and pasted from final draft which number them for me, to a pdf file. So that everyone could view who didnt have final draft.



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey, here's a review of about ten more pages:

"The obvious NERDS who have seen star wars to much." - I'm unsure about this. You should look into it.

"A Man back already napping away". Everything has to be present time so change it to naps.

"On the print out you see..." - no. the writer shows us what we see. dont be informative be descriptive.

Suddenly THE door shuts quickly -  forgot the

"the lights start to flicker; then off for a few moments then back on." fix this. I get your point just make it more effective

take off (beats) from the dialgoue. not necessary. better yet, write action to sepearte the dialgoue.

what happenED with the lights

"he points to another person, who is Chris; that eagerly has he hand raised with a PEN in it." fix this. too strange.

take off we's

he speaks in a soft tone as THEY pass people on their way

"They open the door and walk down a small narrow hall then turn the corner and we see other MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS sitting around the rectangle table TALKING." Run-on. fix it.

"rallins starts to pass out files around the table that has information about the facility." take off the part of information about the facility. not necessary info to add.

"of course not we are dealing with professionals here." fix it.

queue means forming a striaght line. I know what word you are trying to use but i think you mistaken the spelling of it.

Hill ACknowledges(i believe) the order.

"The VIDEO starts back when Hill standS over Moore's body then quickly turns around aiming at something then the Mime come into view behind him." another run-on.

pg. 20 Dr.Zahn's dialgoue: "he would demonstrate his abilites by lifting pencils,balls, things OF THAT NATURE and fly them around." I see him saying it this way. You could use it if you choose to.

One sentence down, you need to correct. add a comma in between ability and was.  

I'll see how I can go into the reading script. It's getting interesting now.

Gabriel


Thanks gabriel, I will get those thing fixed asap! Sorry for the paragraphs! I hope you get enjoy it! I find it to be one of those stories that can be read over and over, and still like it form teh first time, more or less understand it more.

Michael- Characters? I have to many? impossible lol, just the better it is for you to figure out who the good guys are and bad.

Also ill get to reeading one of you stories tonight, angels among us!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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dogglebe
Posted: August 31st, 2006, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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I read the first twenty-five pages of this script and I actually had to force myself to continue after page two.  This script is filled with problems, and I'm talking more than just spelling and formatting.

Let's start with the characters....

It's it painfully obvious that the Mime is based on V, from V for Vendetta.  I got the impression that you were watching this movie and said to yourself, "Boy, wouldn't it be cool if V had telekinetic powers?"  The answer to this question is 'no.'

Carl McCaine came off like J. Jonah Jameson.  As soon as someone would start talking, he'd interrupt with some impulsive question.  I was waiting for him to interrupt someone with "Curse that webslinger!"

I thought Zahn was a dull and unfocussed character, just based on his classroom discussion.  And those two teen students (whose names I can't remember) are completely forgettable.

FBI agents Stahl and Gartley are cliche and two-dimensional.

The story dragged on from page one.  That opening scene in the maintenence warehouse  could be taken out and no one would know about it.  With feature scripts, you have only ten pages (sometimes less) to pull the reader in.  The first ten pages of your script were just a bunch of random scenes.

The dialogue was dull and like something I read out of an old comic book.  Everyone sounded alike.  You learn as much about a character by what how they talk as by what they do.  I got nothing here.

I'm under the distinct impression that this script is a first draft and that you submitted it to these boards as soon you wrote 'final fade out' on the last page.  As I mentioned earlier, there were spelling and formatting problems.  Most of the spelling problems I've seen could've been resolved after simply using the spellcheck.

There were continuity problems and logistical problems.  On page one, in the Special Research Center (btw, can't you come up with a better name than that?), you state that the place is protected by security guards.  Later on, it's soldiers.  Later on, McCaine describes them as marines.  And why is the head of security of such an important place only a sargeant?

In the war room, they show the security video on television screens that drop from the ceiling.  A few minutes later, they show a another video on a screen that pops out of the wall.  Wouldn't the one in the wall be enough?  Did you forget about the other screen.

You have to seriously trim the fat down here.  The first twenty-five pages could be told in less than ten.  Read some other scripts here to see how the stories are told.  And before you submit anymore scripts, rewrite each one atleast twice.


Phil
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JD_OK
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Quoted from dogglebe
I read the first twenty-five pages of this script and I actually had to force myself to continue after page two.  This script is filled with problems, and I'm talking more than just spelling and formatting.


I understand. i have recently submitted the neccessary changes for spelling/grammar/formatting issues. It wil be a better read.


Quoted from dogglebe
Let's start with the characters....

It's it painfully obvious that the Mime is based on V, from V for Vendetta.  I got the impression that you were watching this movie and said to yourself, "Boy, wouldn't it be cool if V had telekinetic powers?"  The answer to this question is 'no.'


no. I started writing this script, b4 it had previews ( august 05). I knew nothing of V. V is mask thru out te entire movie. Mime is only speaks couple times b4 unmasked half way thru it.


Quoted from dogglebe
Carl McCaine came off like J. Jonah Jameson.  As soon as someone would start talking, he'd interrupt with some impulsive question.  I was waiting for him to interrupt someone with "Curse that webslinger!"


Nope, no big spider-man fan.


Quoted from dogglebe
I thought Zahn was a dull and unfocussed character, just based on his classroom discussion.  And those two teen students (whose names I can't remember) are completely forgettable.


You mean troy? Zahn never in a classroom


Quoted from dogglebe
FBI agents Stahl and Gartley are cliche and two-dimensional.


You are right, i fixed Hartley and im working on stahl's dimesions


Quoted from dogglebe
The story dragged on from page one.  That opening scene in the maintenence warehouse  could be taken out and no one would know about it.  With feature scripts, you have only ten pages (sometimes less) to pull the reader in.  The first ten pages of your script were just a bunch of random scenes.


Hmm I have to degree about that. It flows, maybe the revision will help clear things.



Quoted from dogglebe
There were continuity problems and logistical problems.  On page one, in the Special Research Center (btw, can't you come up with a better name than that?), you state that the place is protected by security guards.  Later on, it's soldiers.  Later on, McCaine describes them as marines.  And why is the head of security of such an important place only a sargeant?


I see what you mean about the refferences to the guard/marines. i just refer to those as marines. Reason i called them guard. cuz of their duty at the special research center is to guard it.

Special research center- does government really come up with good names for their facilities?


Quoted from dogglebe
In the war room, they show the security video on television screens that drop from the ceiling.  A few minutes later, they show a another video on a screen that pops out of the wall.  Wouldn't the one in the wall be enough?  Did you forget about the other screen.

You have to seriously trim the fat down here.  The first twenty-five pages could be told in less than ten.  Read some other scripts here to see how the stories are told.  And before you submit anymore scripts, rewrite each one atleast twice.



Story telling? i think you went just alil bit harsh with that comment. I do tell a story, maybe not in proper cut texting,but still if you finish the entire story you will see where it really shines.

Yea i am under going trimming the fat off, and I will try and take what you have stated and look in these problems. I very much appeciate it! Thank you for your comments!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  September 5th, 2006, 10:08pm
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George Willson
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I don't tend to dwell on grammar and formatting since others make that their mission, so I'm not going to point out every single misspelled word and every time you said "we" in a description. I think you got enough of that already. The description "rule", incidentally, is four lines, not four sentences. I've had a six line sentence that I had to break up before.

Anyway, let's start with the basic concept you have going here. Overall, there's a lot of potential here, and you have the basics of what's going on pretty well laid out. I understood the story, and I very easily followed what was going on. There are a few times where it seems that something happens for the sake of the plot.

The most obvious place where this occurs is Hartley's bizarre need to head home "for a moment." As soon as she arrives, her mother is under the impression that she's there to stay and then she takes a shower. I understand the need is to setup Hartley's home life, but the scene comes out of no where and most of the actions make no sense.

With every scene, you need to ensure that the characters' arrival there makes sense and that it serves a specific need. Why did Troy visit Matt and Chris after escaping his house? It delivered a lot of exposition that we already knew or could have easily picked up if the story kept moving. You could cut this scene and no one would know it was gone. Speaking of Matt and Chris, these two seem to be kind of "everyman" characters that serve no plot purpose. They give us some exposition, and that's about it. You could at least make them a bit more comical or something to give them some purpose beyond a mouthpiece.

I had some issues with the dialogue in several areas. There are some parts where the characters are WAY too talky. They overtalk a lot of situations and it's primarily to provide exposition. You need to find a way to cut back on this. Writing good dialogue is all about economy; trying to say as much as possible using the fewest possible words. Troy's class is incredibly long-winded and while I understand the need to convey this info, you need to spread it out. You can get away with some of the classroom scene, but other parts of that information should be spread out throughout the script. Put some in the bar, some with Jordan, some in the flashback with Sarah, just wherever you can squeeze it in so it doesn't feel like a ton of exposition. There are several instances of this with other characters as well, the other notable being Zahn and his droning.

You need to work on delievering exposition within the flow of the plot. One of the best examples of doing this is in The Terminator. When was the entire backstory delivered? During a car chase between Reese and the Terminator as Sarah Conner is huddled on the floor.

This pops up a few times:

Where was it?
S.R.
S.R.?
Special Research.

Not the lines, but that pattern. Question, jargon, question about jargon, answer. Again, we're all about economy of words and the preceeding should be cut down to two lines. "Where was it?" "Special Research" or if the acronym is that important (since it's rarely used again) "S.R. Special Research." Be careful about bulking up the dialogue with chatter. Dialogue is kind of like natural speech refined to take out all the extra uh's and stuff. Unless character calls for it, no one falters on their words or has a slip of the tongue. No time for it. The story must keep moving.

You have a ton of vernacularisms, most notably "yawl" which is actually spelled "y'all" since it's a contraction of "you all." Unless they are regional (think Fargo), scripts should be written in common English. This one occurs on the East Coast as far as I understood it, and y'all is not quite as common there as in Oklahoma. Most of the people in the story are pretty well travelled and the more travelled you are, the less you use regional vernacular. I spent a two and a half years in the military and still flip-flop between using "pop" and "soda", where before I left, it was exclusively "pop".

When it comes to characters, there isn't a lot of dimension here. Troy is pretty good. Sarah is decent because of her setup. Hartley is ok, although she does play good cop to Stahl's very cliche bad cop. Stahl is downright annoying is how cliche he is. Your government officals are cliche as well. It wouldn't hurt to have one sympathetic ear in the higher ups. Right now, EVERYONE is against your protagonist in the upper ranks, and in reality, at least one person would play devil's advocate, if for no other reason than just to do it. Yes, people do act that way.

A good way to build any character is to give them life outside the story. This is where you're allowed to do something completely unrelated to the plot. Why is Stahl angry? Answer that, and you depart just a little from the cliche. If you give a character a little past, a little present, and a little future, you're good for secondary characters. Matt and Chris, for example, are currently guys in a class. That's it. How do they know each other? Are they studying for a major? Are the from around that city? Just little things that make them more human. Same with everyone else that has any kind of major part. Give them a little bit of past, present, and future, and you'd be surprised how much better it makes them.

Don't go overboard, of course, because you have a long script as it is, but if you have a complete story and can't really cut it down to 120 pages, don't fret. It just means your first sale won't be this one. Once you get credits behind you, it becomes easier (or so I understand).

In regards to the plot and pacing, it seems a little slow for the moment, but if you spread out the exposition and tighten the dialogue and scenes, it will bring the action scenes a bit closer together and up the pace a bit. Just make sure Troy remains an active participant in his fate. It's ok for him to be out of control at the beginning; just ensure he gets more and more control as you near the end. In this way, the story isn't that bad.

When all is said and done, it definitely needs a read-through to correct the grammar, spelling, and format. It also needs a good rewrite to tighten the dialogue and characters. I like the story. It has a lot of potential.

To address earlier comments: V for Vendetta is a completely different story, in my opinion. I wouldn't have caught the correlation at all. Superheroes wear mask, and this fits more in that vein than anything as specific as V.

I think Dead Air works as a description of what occurs on the radio. I don't see a need to change it.

While the opening warehouse scene might be questionable in need, I don't find the opening 10 pages to be a random collection of scenes. We get the sense of something happening. Kent's chatter could definitely be cut down a bit, though. Again, it's about the economy. I think you just need to clean house is all. Then we'll see how it looks.

So good job on this. You clearly did put some thought into the story and characters or it wouldn't read as clean as it does. If this is a first draft, it's a very good start.


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JD_OK
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George thank you for a great constructive review. I will begin working on tiese things.

Question: Did you find the twists to be surprising?

Did opening scene warehouse do well?


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  September 5th, 2006, 9:46pm
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Quoted from George Willson
The description "rule", incidentally, is four lines, not four sentences. I've had a six line sentence that I had to break up before.


Thank you. Sumbitted revision with that in place.


Quoted from George Willson
Anyway, let's start with the basic concept you have going here. Overall, there's a lot of potential here, and you have the basics of what's going on pretty well laid out. I understood the story, and I very easily followed what was going on.


Thanks! Im glad it flowed for you, without questions concerning what is happening!


Quoted from George Willson
The most obvious place where this occurs is Hartley's bizarre need to head home "for a moment." As soon as she arrives, her mother is under the impression that she's there to stay and then she takes a shower. I understand the need is to setup Hartley's home life, but the scene comes out of no where and most of the actions make no sense.


Understood, i will rewrite this.


Quoted from George Willson
With every scene, you need to ensure that the characters' arrival there makes sense and that it serves a specific need. Why did Troy visit Matt and Chris after escaping his house? It delivered a lot of exposition that we already knew or could have easily picked up if the story kept moving. You could cut this scene and no one would know it was gone. Speaking of Matt and Chris, these two seem to be kind of "everyman" characters that serve no plot purpose. They give us some exposition, and that's about it. You could at least make them a bit more comical or something to give them some purpose beyond a mouthpiece.


understood, i removed this. and addedsome more humor them one.


Quoted from George Willson
I had some issues with the dialogue in several areas. There are some parts where the characters are WAY too talky. They overtalk a lot of situations and it's primarily to provide exposition. You need to find a way to cut back on this.


Which scenes were these?


Quoted from George Willson
Writing good dialogue is all about economy; trying to say as much as possible using the fewest possible words. Troy's class is incredibly long-winded and while I understand the need to convey this info, you need to spread it out. You can get away with some of the classroom scene, but other parts of that information should be spread out throughout the script. Put some in the bar, some with Jordan, some in the flashback with Sarah, just wherever you can squeeze it in so it doesn't feel like a ton of exposition. There are several instances of this with other characters as well, the other notable being Zahn and his droning.


Understood.



Quoted from George Willson
Stahl is downright annoying is how cliche he is. Your government officals are cliche as well. It wouldn't hurt to have one sympathetic ear in the higher ups. Right now, EVERYONE is against your protagonist in the upper ranks, and in reality, at least one person would play devil's advocate, if for no other reason than just to do it. Yes, people do act that way.


I will correct these things. Thanks for pointing it out. you are not the only one who thinks this.


Quoted from George Willson
Don't go overboard, of course, because you have a long script as it is, but if you have a complete story and can't really cut it down to 120 pages, don't fret. It just means your first sale won't be this one. Once you get credits behind you, it becomes easier (or so I understand).[/quote

Revision cut to 124, i espect to cut it more when I get my review back from my consultant.


[quote=Tubkas]When all is said and done, it definitely needs a read-through to correct the grammar, spelling, and format. It also needs a good rewrite to tighten the dialogue and characters. I like the story. It has a lot of potential.


I went back throug with the revision and hopefully i corrected these except teh dialog.


Quoted from George Willson
To address earlier comments: V for Vendetta is a completely different story, in my opinion. I wouldn't have caught the correlation at all. Superheroes wear mask, and this fits more in that vein than anything as specific as V.


I am glad to hear this!


Quoted from George Willson
While the opening warehouse scene might be questionable in need, I don't find the opening 10 pages to be a random collection of scenes. We get the sense of something happening.


Good deal!


Quoted from George Willson
So good job on this. You clearly did put some thought into the story and characters or it wouldn't read as clean as it does. If this is a first draft, it's a very good start.


Thanks about george for a excelent review and time to look over the script!



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Revision is now available with formatting, grammar and spelling corrections and shorten script.

Im in about to do the rewrite, but Helpful reviews are whats established will help! I'll will begin reading others scripts.


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Hey just finished 'T.K' and I found it to be a fun read.

Are there problems?  Sure, but they all seem to have been addressed (some typos, a cliche character here and there etc.) so why repeat what they've already said?

I enjoyed the script and I liked how your nice twist at the end.  Without giving anything anyway you could easily do another chapter in this story.

Good job man.
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Thanks for feed back!   But what about the plot of the story? Did you also feel Hartley shouldnt have let troy over to her house?

Did You see the mime reasoning info what what happens, or did it fall flat?

Did you see any twist coming?

I only ask cuz im about to rewite the story for a 2nd draft, Im cleaning house hehe


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Really about the only twist I suspected was the one at the very end.    
But hey, it's an action flick I wouldn't expect any less.

I liked the plot, I agree with some of the others than a few scenes could have been cut out to both shorten the film and make it tighter.

I had no problems with the mime info.

Once you get up a 2nd draft I'd be happy to look at it.

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"TK- 421. Why aren't you at your post?"

Sorry but I just had to do that. couldn't help myself.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. oh yeah, I've started reading your script. will post a review very soon.


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Quoted from tonkatough
"TK- 421. Why aren't you at your post?"

Sorry but I just had to do that. couldn't help myself.

Yeah, I'm a nerd. oh yeah, I've started reading your script. will post a review very soon.


K, i will review up soon aswell. Yea, I have already changed that line in y new draft hehe.


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tonkatough
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I read about 60 pages of you script but had to stop. I was totally bored with your story. Sorry,

You are a very capable writer, the format is perfect. You can write a script. The problem lies in the idea. It feels like when you create a story you just channel  every movie and TV show you have seen and grab bits and chuck them in your story. You have a guy with psi TK powers which is cool, but you do nothing with it. You introduce Maulder and Scully, You have a case of misktaken identity. Once this is all established you have a dull scene in a bar that turns into a brawl with psi power than you have another boring scene with troy at Scully house, meet her little child.  and that's half of your script.

Once again like your X-men script you have another missed oportunity.

Why have FBI agents when you could have Psi soliders or something hunting down
Troy.

Stories have been done before with mind powers and much better and more inventive than what you have done. Have ever read the Akira graphic novels? That's what I am talking about.

There are a lot of amazing unproduced scripts to read on this website. If you want your work to stand out I suggest you put more effort into the creation of you story. Think long and hard, daydream and come up with ideas that are dynamic and imaginative and resonat with your own writer's voice. Don't settle for mediocre.
  


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Quoted from tonkatough
I read about 60 pages of you script but had to stop. I was totally bored with your story. Sorry,

You are a very capable writer, the format is perfect. You can write a script. The problem lies in the idea. It feels like when you create a story you just channel  every movie and TV show you have seen and grab bits and chuck them in your story. You have a guy with psi TK powers which is cool, but you do nothing with it. You introduce Maulder and Scully, You have a case of misktaken identity. Once this is all established you have a dull scene in a bar that turns into a brawl with psi power than you have another boring scene with troy at Scully house, meet her little child.  and that's half of your script.

Once again like your X-men script you have another missed oportunity.

Why have FBI agents when you could have Psi soliders or something hunting down
Troy.

Stories have been done before with mind powers and much better and more inventive than what you have done. Have ever read the Akira graphic novels? That's what I am talking about.

There are a lot of amazing unproduced scripts to read on this website. If you want your work to stand out I suggest you put more effort into the creation of you story. Think long and hard, daydream and come up with ideas that are dynamic and imaginative and resonat with your own writer's voice. Don't settle for mediocre.
  



I know what you mean by the dullness in some scenes, Im in process of tighing up the dialogue, and trimming fat to get to action scenes.

But I honestly did not mold any characters from any TV/movie, I know they r cliche,, but I have since corrected with my next draft that Im finishning. Thank you!


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Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  October 10th, 2006, 12:33pm
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It is obvious that you did not intentionally copy concepts and characters from TV or movies. But maybe from a sub conscious level when you are being creative and building your ideas into a story you may be tapping into your memory of Favourite movies and TV shows rather than your imagination. I don't know.

I really believe you can write a story, but you need to put a bit more effort into shaping your ideas for a story.

I called your two agents Maulder and Scully because that is who they reminded me of.  When X-files was a big success everyone started aping the maulder/Scully concept and spooky shows where popping up everywhere with a male/female partner agent. This has now stuck. Law & Order and many crime shows seem to have a male/female partnership.

So if it is so common and unoriginal now why did you put it in your script? Why didn't take it one step further and consider say, two female partners. Or why does a FBI agent have to have a partner at all? In Twin Peaks Agent Cooper mostly worked alone. Why not have one female FBI agent. One that is over fifty, who loves the feel of snake skin and asks everyone to feel her cobra skin wallet that her husband gave to her as an annivery present.

The possibilites are endless. But the point I am trying to make is that just don't settle for the first thing that jumps into your mind. You mention you understood what I mean by the dullness of the scenes. This problem should of been sorted out long before you even started writing your script. Tweeking dialouge or trimming fat will change nothing.

You are a good writer but your dry ideas and plots are letting you down.

So the next script you do, spend a bit more time creating your characters and ideas.  Flex your imagination and have fun being inventive.

Do that and I bet you'll write a great script.

Oh and make sure you post it on this site so I can have a read.
  


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*****UPDATE*****

Revision posted. Its 94 pages. This 2nd draft should make a better story!


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JD_OK  -  November 20th, 2006, 3:42am
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TAnthony
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You have a lot of cool action scenes and a pretty good script. You just need to lengthen it a little more and stay away from as many clichés as you can. Your script is really only 83 pages since Fade Out, is the only thing on the last page.

SPOILERS--------------------------------


Characters
The whole mime mask thing is a good idea, but I think it’s a little too reminiscent of V from V for Vendetta.
-There are a lot of characters and I often forgot who was who and what they did and why they did it. Especially in the beginning parts I was thinking to myself who is that guy again?
-More and more characters are getting thrown in; you need to see if you can delete a few of them.

Format
-Your actions and descriptions are very clear and precise.
-You should try your best to keep dialogue five lines or under.
-Rallins speech on page 14 is WAY too long. That much exposition on Troy will lose a reader.
-Your script goes by really fast. It’ll be really short on screen, because there are a lot of really short one liner action lines.
-You need to state when the flashbacks begin and when they end. When you don’t do that it gets confusing.
-Just a very small amount of spelling errors or spacing.

Cool
-That was a really cool scene when Troy shields himself from the bullets.
-You’ve done exceptionally well on describing the telekinetic or “psi” powers.
-Nice ending.

Cliche
-Troy being a teacher is maybe a little too cliché. Indiana Jones, the Beast. Maybe something different would be better.
-On page 14, when Troy says “lemme guess you’re the nice partner” that has been said too many times in movies.

Story
You have a great intro to start off your script, but in my opinion it lasts way too long. The suspense was great, but it just ran on too long.

I can’t quite pin-point what I want to say about your story overall. I think that this kind of script has just been done too many times. Whenever you have F.B.I agents hunting someone down, you’ve got to make it creative as hell, because we’ve all seen the agency movies where there’s a real hard ass law enforcer, and they have to get permission to do things from other higher ups on the food chain.

And it would be a good idea if you found any other way for Troy to get his powers. The reason you have is pretty trite.

And the big bad guy being a doctor should probably be changed. Too many baddies with Doctor before their name.

Good Luck.


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Quoted from TAnthony
You have a lot of cool action scenes and a pretty good script. You just need to lengthen it a little more and stay away from as many clich�s as you can. Your script is really only 83 pages since Fade Out, is the only thing on the last page.


Hey man, You really surprised me. I thought you would never read it. And I will diffeniately look at your sequel to loud and nasty.

Cliche's, you are spot on. Its so hard to peel those things out of my mind, but yes. I'm reworking with some ideas. I said 86 pages but I 4got I didnt update the script with the new ending.


Quoted from TAnthony

Characters
The whole mime mask thing is a good idea, but I think it�s a little too reminiscent of V from V for Vendetta.


I know I'm going to be compared just alil to V, but I swear I started with the idea b4 I even heard of V. here is  bigger pic of exactly how "the mime" mask looks, that my friend created for me

http://www.edabal.com/tk.htm

As you can see it doesn't  reseamable any known movie mask.



Quoted from TAnthony
-There are a lot of characters and I often forgot who was who and what they did and why they did it. Especially in the beginning parts I was thinking to myself who is that guy again?
-More and more characters are getting thrown in; you need to see if you can delete a few of them.


Yes, I need to focus more on the main characters.


Quoted from TAnthony
Format
-Your actions and descriptions are very clear and precise.
-You should try your best to keep dialogue five lines or under.
-Rallins speech on page 14 is WAY too long. That much exposition on Troy will lose a reader.


Thank you. I hear what you are saying about his speech. I will get to the basics exposition on that one.



Quoted from TAnthony
-Your script goes by really fast. It�ll be really short on screen, because there are a lot of really short one liner action lines.
-You need to state when the flashbacks begin and when they end. When you don�t do that it gets confusing.
-Just a very small amount of spelling errors or spacing.


Hmm I thought I labelled the flash backs, maybe I missed a couple. I will check that out asap.

Yea it does go back to quick, and my consultgave me some ideas on how to beef it up and I in process of writing on touching more on who "Arkon" is and why they will come for them


Quoted from TAnthony

Cool
-That was a really cool scene when Troy shields himself from the bullets.
-You�ve done exceptionally well on describing the telekinetic or �psi� powers.
-Nice ending.


Thanks again, I have been working on this particular script for year and a half and spent alot of money to develop it with my writing skills.

I'm really glad you were able to understand the world I bring.


Quoted from TAnthony

Cliche
-Troy being a teacher is maybe a little too clich�. Indiana Jones, the Beast. Maybe something different would be better.
-On page 14, when Troy says �lemme guess you�re the nice partner� that has been said too many times in movies.


"let me guess" You are right, but what i did with it was, He is calling stahl the nice partner, not hartley which really is the nice partner, he is being a smart ass to him with the cliche remark.



Quoted from TAnthony

Story
[quote=TAnthony]You have a great intro to start off your script, but in my opinion it lasts way too long. The suspense was great, but it just ran on too long.


I see where you are coming from, I will edit that if my add if my revision of this 2nd draft runs to long, cuz correctly to short lol.


Quoted from TAnthony
I can�t quite pin-point what I want to say about your story overall. I think that this kind of script has just been done too many times.


Not like this, this isn't a regualr telenkentic/super hero movie. This "Psi" is based on real study.  This story is a R movie, blood, body exploding and murder. The revision will stand out of any other "powers" movie. (hopefully)


Quoted from TAnthony
Whenever you have F.B.I agents hunting someone down, you�ve got to make it creative as hell, because we�ve all seen the agency movies where there�s a real hard ass law enforcer, and they have to get permission to do things from other higher ups on the food chain.


Very Good point, My consultant told me the same. The FBI needs to DO LEG WORK to discover these things, not just computers. I will be adding this.


Quoted from TAnthony
And it would be a good idea if you found any other way for Troy to get his powers. The reason you have is pretty trite.


He is born knowing how. but in this 2nd draft I don't state how he has it or how the other has it.  But I will hint on it in the revision. Good point out tho.

Thanks again for in depth review, I will return the same courtesy. Give me couple weeks and I'll have review up on down and dirty.


Also, was any of the twists surprising to you?

Anything sad?


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JD_OK  -  November 11th, 2006, 4:12pm
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Quoted from JD_OK

Also, was any of the twists surprising to you?

Anything sad?


SPOILERS------------


I kind of knew that Sarah was still alive, but other than that good twists.

But I don't feel that this script was sad at any time. I just don't think this kind of script can make a reader get sad, thrilled yeah, but not sad.

Thanks.



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Quoted from TAnthony


SPOILERS------------


I kind of knew that Sarah was still alive, but other than that good twists.

But I don't feel that this script was sad at any time. I just don't think this kind of script can make a reader get sad, thrilled yeah, but not sad.

Thanks.



appreciate the feed back!


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First off I do not ever recall me ever promising to read this script.  If I did, then I aplogize for forgetting but I just don't remember it.  Anyway I've finished reading and this is my review.

First things first.  I really hope English is your second language because some of the grammatical syntax you had in this script was almost unreadable.  I had to reread several scenes over and over again so I could try and decode what was going on.  You have way to many indefinate articles missing (you would have written "what you know about S.R?"  when it should be "what do you know about S.R.?")  I understand some dialogue can be written with "slang" incorporated but I don't think FBI agents talk like that.  So that had a real hidrance on my opinon for your script.

However, this is probsbly one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.  Telekenetics always facinates me, especially when it is used in present day stories as compared to Sci-Fi stories.  The action sequences seemed pretty well written in the beginning, but at the end they were terribly bland.  I don't know if you just got tired of writing but you just started puting "they fight, sparks fly, etc.".

I think one of you strenghts was your incorporation of flashback.  Every flashback scene was well placed and served a way better purpose as opposed to someone just saying it with dialogue.  I applaud you there.

The characters were a little too two dimensional for my tastes.  The only character I really attached to was Sarah.  SHe seemed to have the most history and emotion in the script and read fantastic.  Your military personel and FBI agents were just words to me.  Troy was okay in some parts but he seemed to be torn between too many archetypes like the wise cracking man to the emotional father.  It just seemed a bit much.

The dialouge again was faulted with improper English.  I could get most of the lines but other times it was just out there.  You had some really corny lines such as the "Tell yourslef you won't let negative energy affect you", considering that had no conncection to any other scene later in the story.  Every scene needs to count in a screenplay.  Even the boring telephone conversations and car rides.  Don't just put filler in.  There's no need for it.  I was really on edge waiting for something to happen to Hartley where she could block someone's "Psi" but it just never happened.  I guess you wanted it to allude to the final sequence where Troy blocks Dr. Zahn's "energy" but that was a far fetched connection.

The ending was a real downer and didn't sit well with me.  You had all these people dying and it just kept going downhill.  I'm not saying every script should have a happy ending, but this kind of seemed to melodramatic.  In Europe or Asia it probably would be looked upon fine but in America we like happy endings.  The main character getting his ass beat while tied up heading into your final fade out seemed a little pessimistic.  

In conclusion, the story was great.  Everything made sense and most of everyone's stoy was explained.  The characters were bland except for Sarah, I liked her the best.  The action sequences were well done and entertaining to read.  The story moved along quickly and didn't hold up too much but there were some down scenes.

My advice would be to try and delve deeper into Dr. Zahn's history on why he experimented on these characters.  In action films, your antagonist needs to have just as much backstory as your protagonist, if not more.  We have to know why this guy is so bent on Psi and telekentics and why he would go as far as to kill FBI agents in the process to keep it a secret.  If you did explain this, I never got it.  You also need to grasp the written English language a little better.  I don't mean to be insulting but there was just too much improper usage of the language.  Other than that though it's just minor things that need to possibly be reworked and this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.    

Good luck.    

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JD_OK  -  November 20th, 2006, 1:23am
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Quoted from guyjackson
First off I do not ever recall me ever promising to read this script.  If I did, then I aplogize for forgetting but I just don't remember it.  Anyway I've finished reading and this is my review.


Date Received: August 31st, 2006, 8:03pm     Reply Remove Topic
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Hey buddy.  I'll be happy to read your script, but you're going to have to give me a couple days because I have others to read and my own script to write.

I'll get to it as soon as I can and give you a critique.

Thats what u sent me


Quoted from guyjackson
First things first.  I really hope English is your second language because some of the grammatical syntax you had in this script was almost unreadable.  I had to reread several scenes over and over again so I could try and decode what was going on.  You have way to many indefinate articles missing (you would have written "what you know about S.R?"  when it should be "what do you know about S.R.?")  I understand some dialogue can be written with "slang" incorporated but I don't think FBI agents talk like that.  So that had a real hidrance on my opinon for your script.


Thanks for pointing that out. I had been altering the script lately, and i prolly missed some more words.


Quoted from guyjackson
However, this is probsbly one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.  Telekenetics always facinates me, especially when it is used in present day stories as compared to Sci-Fi stories.


Thanks, I'm glad you like this subject as I do.


Quoted from guyjackson
The action sequences seemed pretty well written in the beginning, but at the end they were terribly bland.  I don't know if you just got tired of writing but you just started puting "they fight, sparks fly, etc.".


You are absolutely right! Thing was My professional consultant wanted me to not go into much detail about the fights. He actually wanted me to cut the bar fight in half. I detailed that fight becuase Troy "comes out of the closet" and You see he is able to do things he denied and yet same as the killer. Difference was the color about his body.

I prolly will add more to the to the end fighting. Great advice!


Quoted from guyjackson
I think one of you strenghts was your incorporation of flashback.  Every flashback scene was well placed and served a way better purpose as opposed to someone just saying it with dialogue.  I applaud you there.


Thank you! It took me alot of writing, Im glad i gt them where it needed. Cuz b4 i did say instead of show...


Quoted from guyjackson
The characters were a little too two dimensional for my tastes.  The only character I really attached to was Sarah.  SHe seemed to have the most history and emotion in the script and read fantastic.


Did you feel they did, did change throughout the script? (the other characters)

Sarah is the real protagonist to me


Quoted from guyjackson
Your military personel and FBI agents were just words to me.  Troy was okay in some parts but he seemed to be torn between too many archetypes like the wise cracking man to the emotional father.  It just seemed a bit much.


Is this bad thing? i mean does this hurt the script you in opinion?


Quoted from guyjackson
The dialouge again was faulted with improper English.  I could get most of the lines but other times it was just out there.


Thanks, i will look for these things and weed them out!


Quoted from guyjackson

You had some really corny lines such as the "Tell yourslef you won't let negative energy affect you", considering that had no conncection to any other scene later in the story.


Yes, good point. I will have to come up with better line. It did have connection, was in dr's office, he was talkin about Sarah's face, then Troy Tries to use psi on him. Dr. says" i can't believe that mumbo about shielding works. So troy then makes the gun fly to dr's chin.

Every scene needs to count in a screenplay.  Even the boring telephone conversations and car rides.  Don't just put filler in.  There's no need for it.  I was really on edge waiting for something to happen to Hartley where she could block someone's "Psi" but it just never happened.  I guess you wanted it to allude to the final sequence where Troy blocks Dr. Zahn's "energy" but that was a far fetched connection.


Quoted from guyjackson
The ending was a real downer and didn't sit well with me.  You had all these people dying and it just kept going downhill.  I'm not saying every script should have a happy ending, but this kind of seemed to melodramatic.  In Europe or Asia it probably would be looked upon fine but in America we like happy endings.  The main character getting his ass beat while tied up heading into your final fade out seemed a little pessimistic.


I understand where you are coming from, what you read was a new ending, This was the orignal, tell me if you like it better?

INT. TROY�S CAR - DAY
TROY (V.O.)
�...then reunion day.�
Troy enters the car. sarah sits in the passenger seat. She wears a dark dress and black glasses.

TROY
They're watching.

SARAH
How long before they come for us?

TROY
I dont know...

Troy drives.

TROY (V.O)
In the end, I was no better, a murder.
How could I let my own child die?
I still have hope for Sarah. For what lies next, we will need eachother.

                                                                               FADE OUT


Quoted from guyjackson

In conclusion, the story was great.  Everything made sense and most of everyone's stoy was explained.  The characters were bland except for Sarah, I liked her the best.  The action sequences were well done and entertaining to read.  The story moved along quickly and didn't hold up too much but there were some down scenes.


Thanks again!


Quoted from guyjackson

My advice would be to try and delve deeper into Dr. Zahn's history on why he experimented on these characters.  In action films, your antagonist needs to have just as much backstory as your protagonist, if not more.  We have to know why this guy is so bent on Psi and telekentics and why he would go as far as to kill FBI agents in the process to keep it a secret.  If you did explain this, I never got it.


Hit it on the nose, and thanks for putting it into my head. I figured out already Dr.z back story! Thanks you!!


Quoted from guyjackson
You also need to grasp the written English language a little better.  I don't mean to be insulting but there was just too much improper usage of the language.  Other than that though it's just minor things that need to possibly be reworked and this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.    

Good luck.    


None taken. I need to fix those things. Is there something of your I could read and drop some feedback on?

Also, how did the twists work for you? Did you see anything coming?

How about the scenes with Arkon?



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JD_OK  -  November 20th, 2006, 3:44am
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I see you have some questions for me.  I'll answer them the best that I can.


Quoted Text
Did you feel they did, did change throughout the script? (the other characters)

Sarah is the real protagonist to me


Your two main characters of Sarah and Troy did change, there is no question that they didn't, but I still feel that Troy's tranformation seemed a bit rushed.  I just think it is due to the fact that you cut some 30 pages from your first draft, some character development may have been taken out.  I like explained characters, that's just the way I am.  I like to know why every action they partake in is taken.  When Troy just starts crying after being a badass for most of the script, it just seemed odd.  



Quoted Text
Is this bad thing? i mean does this hurt the script you in opinion? (static background characters)


I wouldn't say that it hurt the script, but it definately didn't help it.  The supporting characters shouldn't overtake the leads necessarily, but there should be one or two memorable ones.  Just think of T2 with the Skynet Scientist Dyson.  He had probably like three scenes in total but you still remember him.  Start Wars is an excellent example as well at giving background characters memorable moments.  I would just say make them a bit more alive.




Quoted Text
I understand where you are coming from, what you read was a new ending, This was the orignal, tell me if you like it better?

INT. TROY�S CAR - DAY
TROY (V.O.)
�...then reunion day.�
Troy enters the car. sarah sits in the passenger seat. She wears a dark dress and black glasses.

TROY
They're watching.

SARAH
How long before they come for us?

TROY
I dont know...

Troy drives.

TROY (V.O)
In the end, I was no better, a murder.
How could I let my own child die?
I still have hope for Sarah. For what lies next, we will need eachother.

                                                                               FADE OUT



That is a much better ending in my opinon.  I like the ambiguity and Sarah's situation is much more clear.  I'm not going to tell to change it back, but that works much better for me.




Quoted Text
Is there something of your I could read and drop some feedback on?


I haven't posted a new script in about 6 months, but if you want to read something of mine, that's fine with me.  Click on the link in my signature and it will bring you to my page that contains all of my scripts with synopsis.  Click the link next to the title to open it up.  (PDF files).  I belive there are 5 that you can read.  The top one I'm still writing.  


Quoted Text
Also, how did the twists work for you? Did you see anything coming?


No, I didn't see any of the twists coming.  I actually thought the ending was going to be that cliche father and daughter mend their realtionship after killing the bad guys.  Good job with your storyline there.


Quoted Text
How about the scenes with Arkon?


Arkon seemed like an interesting character but was severly misused.  I would have liked to see him more.  I'm guessing you have a sequel in mind for this because he needs to have more development.  He seems like he could be a pretty badass character.


Hope that helps.  



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Quoted from guyjackson

I wouldn't say that it hurt the script, but it definately didn't help it.  The supporting characters shouldn't overtake the leads necessarily, but there should be one or two memorable ones.  Just think of T2 with the Skynet Scientist Dyson.  He had probably like three scenes in total but you still remember him.  Start Wars is an excellent example as well at giving background characters memorable moments.  I would just say make them a bit more alive.


Yes, I understand.


Quoted from guyjackson

That is a much better ending in my opinon.  I like the ambiguity and Sarah's situation is much more clear.  I'm not going to tell to change it back, but that works much better for me.


Yea , I didnt think of it that. You put about, happy ending/troy gettin a$$ beat. I'm going to change back to original. Thanks for input on that!



Quoted from guyjackson

I haven't posted a new script in about 6 months, but if you want to read something of mine, that's fine with me.  Click on the link in my signature and it will bring you to my page that contains all of my scripts with synopsis.  Click the link next to the title to open it up.  (PDF files).  I belive there are 5 that you can read.  The top one I'm still writing.


I have a horror to read, then I will choose one, hopefully will be review posted by sunday.


Quoted from guyjackson

No, I didn't see any of the twists coming.  I actually thought the ending was going to be that cliche father and daughter mend their realtionship after killing the bad guys.  Good job with your storyline there.


Excellent. Thank you again.



Quoted from guyjackson

Arkon seemed like an interesting character but was severly misused.  I would have liked to see him more.  I'm guessing you have a sequel in mind for this because he needs to have more development.  He seems like he could be a pretty badass character.


Yep, you are right, Sequel will explain him. Arkon is a sample of what is coming. I wanted just enough to say " I wanna see what this guy can do!"


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Hey J.D

This wasn't bad but there are a few things I think need to be fixed up.



************************SPOILERS THROUGHOUT***********************







On the first page you write "monitors display all entry points surround two security guards"  should have read "monitors display all entry points SURROUNDED BY two security guards"

I had to laugh at the sack of potatoes line, Shawn used it in 8x10, and I also used it in Whispers...lol, must be a popular term.

On page 6 and 7 I'm getting confused with all the different Marines, I don't know which one is which.  It is kinda reminding me of V for Vendetta a bit with the mime and the knives.

On page 8 you write  "they are in late teens" should be "they are in  THEIR  late teens"

Page 9 you write "sits in the desk"  should be "sits AT the desk"

Also on page 9 Troy says "we are going to review on yesterday's lecture" should be "we are going to review yesterday's lecture"

I don't think there is any point to have Matt and Chris in this story, they add nothing, I kept thinking they would come back in the story but they don't.

Page 10 "Sit around an rectangle table"  should be "sits around A rectangle table"

Page15 reads "in forties and balding" should be "in HIS forties and balding", same goes with Claire's introduction.

Page 21 Stahl says "we know you know what is it"  should be "we know you know what it is"

The fight scene at the bar is pretty cool.  I liked that

Page 34 Hartley says" you cant's just walk away from crime a scene"  should be "you can't just walk away from a crime scene"

Page 36 Kent says "when visited I you" should be "when I visited you"

On page 40 isn't 5'12 the same as 6'.

I think we meet Sarah too late in the story, maybe have a flashback or something a little earlier on.

The scene where Troy won't use his power to save his wife because he is afraid of being caught doesn't seem to fit because he had no problem using his powers at the bar, maybe he uses his powers but screws it up and ends up killing her, just an idea.

All in all this moved pretty quick and had some good fight scenes in it.  There are some grammar mistakes that need to be changed.

I think the ending didn't quite work for me, it reminded me of conspiracy theory in a way, I would have preferred if Troy really did kill Sarah, that would give the ending an emotional bang.

It almost seems that there may be a sequel here, at least that's how it felt to me, which I think would be a cool idea, I think it could work as long as you find a different angle and don't rehash the same thing as in the original.

I think Troy was a good hero, and Heartley was ell written, same with Stahl, but I think the rest of the characters felt a little flat, maybe punch up a few of their scenes, especially the villains, that's where you can have the most fun.

So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.






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The boy who could fly  -  November 21st, 2006, 8:18pm
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On the first page you write "monitors display all entry points surround two security guards"  should have read "monitors display all entry points SURROUNDED BY two security guards"


No actually. The way you word it, It sounds like Two men surround monitors, instead of Monitors surround two men. Do you see what I mean?




On page 6 and 7 I'm getting confused with all the different Marines, I don't know which one is which.  It is kinda reminding me of V for Vendetta a bit with the mime and the knives.


I marines just die lol. Also, I invisioned this b4 I ever heard of V. I can't help i got beat to the punch ;0). But his are daggers, not knives and the mime doesn't physically fight with them.


On page 8 you write  "they are in late teens" should be "they are in  THEIR  late teens"

Page 9 you write "sits in the desk"  should be "sits AT the desk"

Also on page 9 Troy says "we are going to review on yesterday's lecture" should be "we are going to review yesterday's lecture"


Thanks for spotting those!



Page 10 "Sit around an rectangle table"  should be "sits around A rectangle table"


Nope, When speaking of a noun in ploral form, the verb is not ploral.

MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS, sit around an rectangle table.



Page 21 Stahl says "we know you know what is it"  should be "we know you know what it is"



The fight scene at the bar is pretty cool.  I liked that [/quote]

Thanks!


Page 34 Hartley says" you cant's just walk away from crime a scene"  should be "you can't just walk away from a crime scene"


That sentence is correct. maybe you looked at it wrong? Or am I?


Page 36 Kent says "when visited I you" should be "when I visited you"

On page 40 isn't 5'12 the same as 6'.


more good catches, thanks!



I think we meet Sarah too late in the story, maybe have a flashback or something a little earlier on.


You do she is the mime! lol j/k, but If I did bring her in earlier, be less of surprise who it is, after everything points to Troy. Good suggestion. I woul have to rethiink things.



The scene where Troy won't use his power to save his wife because he is afraid of being caught doesn't seem to fit


They are no married, hince different last names and hartley says, last moment with daughter father, Troy Kneddric.


because he had no problem using his powers at the bar


In the car scene, places, his daughter, alot of patrons are around. He could just disappear without questions his he heals someone dying infront of it. Also, bringing someone back is against the order. i dont rmember in this version if i specify that. That is why not they have to kill him, cuz he broke the order by ressurecting her. And because she is killing peolpe. More or less I put in questions to be answered in the sequel



It almost seems that there may be a sequel here, at least that's how it felt to me, which I think would be a cool idea, I think it could work as long as you find a different angle and don't rehash the same thing as in the original.


Yep you are right. I differently have more tricks to keep it goin with other things. For instance, Arkon.



I think Troy was a good hero, and Heartley was ell written, same with Stahl, but I think the rest of the characters felt a little flat, maybe punch up a few of their scenes, especially the villains, that's where you can have the most fun.


Duly noted!




So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.


Thanks, did any of the twists surprise(like a woman, instead of a man) you?

Did I make it feel like Troy was the mime, til he faced the mime?

How about dialgue?

Did it drag at some points? if so, which?

Character development?


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JD_OK  -  December 28th, 2006, 12:36am
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Hey J.D, I knew Troy wasn't the mime, it was a gut feeling, I was thinking it had to be somebody else, what I think a big twist would have been would be if he really was the mime, pull a basic instinct, now that would have shocked me.

The dialogue worked for the most part, it's action movie dialogue, a few lines actually reminded me of the rock, the whole landing at Roswell and need to know, but then again "need to know" is standard government lingo so it worked fine.  My own personal preference is when they talk just like ordinary people, but that's just a preference that doesn't mean I'm right.

The story never really dragged, in fact I would have liked it if it was a few pages longer, maybe more with Sarah, and I don't think if you introduced her sooner, maybe in a flashback or something, it wouldn't give it away, just something, doesn't have to be big.

The character that needs the most work is Sarah since she plays a very important part.  Let us get to know her a bit, even if it isn't important to the plot, sometimes those are the best scenes, like pulp fiction the parts that are just character are more interesting than the whole.


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You didn’t shorten Rallins speech at all. It’s still on big expository paragraph. Try your best to condense dialogue passages.

The whole Arkon bit is a good addition to the script. You describe neat kills. Keep it up don’t settle for mediocre ones later in the story.

You can shorten the whole test taking and Matt and Chris’s part even more.

Stahl is still cliché, but nice fix up on the line during the questioning.

It still seems like there are a lot of unneeded characters like Duncan and the other guy.

Just a small thing about formatting – you’re not supposed to have character names at the bottom of pages without any dialogue.

Was the whole SWAT thing in the earlier draft? If it wasn’t that was another good addition.

Arkon and Morbid aren’t in it enough IMO. I do like the line later on, “This man isn’t like me. He’s like you.” I thought that was pretty cool.

This one ends with real sequel potential which I like.

This re-write helped the story a lot good job.

Good Luck.


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Quoted from TAnthony
You didn�t shorten Rallins speech at all. It�s still on big expository paragraph. Try your best to condense dialogue passages.


Yea, i going to try and figure away to get more of that throughout and not one whole spills. I was more concentrated on other plots stuff. but yea needs to be cut down.


Quoted from TAnthony

The whole Arkon bit is a good addition to the script. You describe neat kills. Keep it up don�t settle for mediocre ones later in the story.


Very true. Which ones did you feel was mediocre, which I could spice up?


Quoted from TAnthony

You can shorten the whole test taking and Matt and Chris�s part even more.


Yea, no need to have them talk any.


Quoted from TAnthony

Stahl is still clich�, but nice fix up on the line during the questioning.


Hehe, thx

Quoted from TAnthony

It still seems like there are a lot of unneeded characters like Duncan and the other guy.


Yea, they just serve as goons for Zahn


Quoted from TAnthony

Just a small thing about formatting � you�re not supposed to have character names at the bottom of pages without any dialogue.


Yea, I know. See, I have to save from final draft to rft, then to a word doc, then pdf it.  Whenever i use Final draft to save a pdf, its makes the fine to huge to download for some reason. But yea It isn't like that when i print or send out. Just here (for net)


Quoted from TAnthony

Was the whole SWAT thing in the earlier draft? If it wasn�t that was another good addition.


Yea, I pretty sure they were that, but i did switch up alot of things, maybe it wasn't.


Quoted from TAnthony

Arkon and Morbid aren�t in it enough IMO. I do like the line later on, �This man isn�t like me. He�s like you.� I thought that was pretty cool.


Yea, I know.. I did that on purpose, just a sample of them. They are big part of the sequel, I'm going to write.


Quoted from TAnthony

This one ends with real sequel potential which I like.

This re-write helped the story a lot good job.

Good Luck.


Thanks! Let me know whenever you need some feed back on revison, new draft and or story.

Couple quick questions.

So you did prefer this ending over b4?

Did the switch up with Sarah at cemetary and stahl and hartley talking to her there work better? Also that scene with the girl shying away cuz she looks bad?

Did you notice I gave dr Zahn more of a reason, for why he wants the power so bad? basically cuz he dying and wants to live.


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Hi J.D.  I have a few observations as I went along:

I like the newton's cradel as a visual motif.  Energy can be a hard concept to grasp.  This demonstrates your central theme in a clear, concise manner.

I'd tone done Stahl's character a bit, in particular when he interrogates Troy.  He knows this guy has special powers so I'm not sure it rings true to have him provoke this guy like that.  He can still act cold and hostile towards him but this should be masked under a vail of caution.  If you don't like that approach then perhaps you could have Stahl be a scoffer.  He doesn't believe in any of that telekenetic mumbo-jumbo.  only then, I think, would he have reason to provoke Troy for a demonstration of his ability.

Hartley comes to trust Troy rather quickly after the fight in the bar.  I know he saved her life but maybe you could build on this.  Perhaps he dresses her wound, shows genuine concern.  This is a pivotal plot point and it seems underplayed.  I think there needs to be more bonding taking place.

I was about to mention that the mime and Troy seem almost too invincible but then you introduced the concept of 'shielding'.  This is like their cryptonite.  Without it there would be no vulnerablity and therefore no sense of drama.

*Spoilers ahead*

I was pretty sure Troy wasn't the mine.  This isn't a whodunnit so it's not a big thing but I think most people would come to that conclusion.  When the mine talks, before her identity is revealed, you should mention that she has a female voice since this would be hard to conceal on screen.  

*end spoilers*

Overall I found the action to be brisk and the story and concepts to be intriguing.  There's certainly enough here to provide the basis for a compelling story.  There were some spelling errors - not many but a good proof-read is in order.  I think ultimately though that the ending falls a part a bit.  I'll try to explain.

*spoilers again*

I just had a hard time buying that Troy would shoot his own daughter.  I understand his rationale, I just don't think a sane parent would be capable of this, especially when done supposedly out of love.  

On another point, the fact that he was able to heal her wounds can't really be explained through telekenesis.  Telekenisis is the ability to move objects.  I guess he would be able to extract the bullet - I'll buy that but that alone wouldn't save her.  She'd have internal damage and bleeding - something that would have to be medically treated, otherwise she would most certainly die.  There are ways around this though by changing certain things - maybe a medic is on standby or something and perhaps Zahn is the one who shoots her.

*end spoilers*

I think Troy and Hartley's relationship seems to fizzle out and go nowhere, as if you set up a romance only to abandon it once it became inconvienient for the plot.  I don't think this has to be a hinderence though.  Maybe Hartley is a single mom herself and can empathise with Troy's relationhip with his daughter, even going so far as to encourage them to reconnect.

The best parts of your story was when Troy had to deal with his super ability.  That is what I'd suggest you focus on.  The action sequences were fine but they don't distinguish themselves from other action films.  I don't really view this as a super-hero story but the tortured super-hero angle is a good one to exploit.  At times I thought he seemed too invincible, stopping bullets in particular - that may be a bit much.  He's a victim in all this, as well as being our protagonist, so I think he needs to be put in harms way.

I tried to be as honest and forthright as I can be.  I'm sure that's what you want.  You have the makings of a good script.  It just suffers from a few missteps and it seems you ran out of gas a bit towards the end as the action sequences began to feel a little too routine and rushed.  Viewed as a first draft you have something pretty good on your hands here but I'd keep at it and continue its refinement.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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JD_OK
Posted: December 6th, 2006, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mgj
Hi J.D.  I have a few observations as I went along:

I like the newton's cradel as a visual motif.  Energy can be a hard concept to grasp.  This demonstrates your central theme in a clear, concise manner.


Thanks, I just recently added that in.


Quoted from mgj
I'd tone done Stahl's character a bit, in particular when he interrogates Troy.  He knows this guy has special powers so I'm not sure it rings true to have him provoke this guy like that.  


Actually They dont know anything about the "ability" Stahl says " Milittary special research center was hit this morning, an washinton is callin out all stops on this guy--" He hands his background file. That they had. Rmember the Psiom file was stole ( file that talks about his ability)


Quoted from mgj

Hartley comes to trust Troy rather quickly after the fight in the bar.  I know he saved her life but maybe you could build on this.  Perhaps he dresses her wound, shows genuine concern.  This is a pivotal plot point and it seems underplayed.  I think there needs to be more bonding taking place.


Good point, but I trying to stray from cliche and setting up a romance. They just have a  lil thing that doesn't really go anywhere. His character is troubled with women. He lost daughter mother, and at the time not on speakin terms with his daughter.

Alot of things are setup for the sequel.


Quoted from mgj

I was about to mention that the mime and Troy seem almost too invincible but then you introduced the concept of 'shielding'.  This is like their cryptonite.  Without it there would be no vulnerablity and therefore no sense of drama.





Quoted from mgj


I was pretty sure Troy wasn't the mine.  This isn't a whodunnit so it's not a big thing but I think most people would come to that conclusion.  When the mine talks, before her identity is revealed, you should mention that she has a female voice since this would be hard to conceal on screen.  

*end spoilers*


I feel s if you missed something that are in place, in which I can most likely point out further down. But in Sarah's alter ego takes place a (deeper voice) emergers. It is not feminine. This was do to the accident when the electric collar singed her neck.


Quoted from mgj


*spoilers again*

I just had a hard time buying that Troy would shoot his own daughter.  I understand his rationale, I just don't think a sane parent would be capable of this, especially when done supposedly out of love.  


This is the point I was talking about. Troy doesn't shoot her. Dr. Zahn does. "Smoke rises from a gun in Dr. Zahn's hand. In shock Troy rushes down to Sarah"

Then I even put the line Troy " I couldnt do it. Zahn shot her"


Quoted from mgj


On another point, the fact that he was able to heal her wounds can't really be explained through telekenesis.  Telekenisis is the ability to move objects.  
*end spoilers*


Yes I agree with you. BUT this isanother point. I explain Psi what is being used, not Telekinetics. Psi is the keys to unlcking those mysteries, for the ability to use telekinesis, and other things, as in healing. I even demotrated it by the Portrait of Jesus with the sleeping girl and Dr. Zahn states this.


Quoted from mgj

I think Troy and Hartley's relationship seems to fizzle out and go nowhere, as if you set up a romance only to abandon it once it became inconvienient for the plot.  I don't think this has to be a hinderence though.  Maybe Hartley is a single mom herself and can empathise with Troy's relationhip with his daughter, even going so far as to encourage them to reconnect.


You have a good suggestion, Actually this is what she is lol. I took this out of my 1st draft. I did setup her home life her daughter and Troy met her. but Ultimately didnt serve in pushing the plot forward and was editted out.


Quoted from mgj

The best parts of your story was when Troy had to deal with his super ability.  That is what I'd suggest you focus on.


Good suggestion.


Quoted from mgj

The action sequences were fine but they don't distinguish themselves from other action films.  I don't really view this as a super-hero story but the tortured super-hero angle is a good one to exploit.  At times I thought he seemed too invincible, stopping bullets in particular - that may be a bit much.  He's a victim in all this, as well as being our protagonist, so I think he needs to be put in harms way.


The really meaning behind the story is, Troy vs himself. that is the harms way. He has done things tha has lead to this event. Like you said he is tortured person become of what he can do. Now herchild is out of control cuz he gave her the gift. So he has overcome the obstacle of how to handle this and make this right.

I'm not trying to defend what I have, but I just think you have missed alot of things.


Quoted from mgj

I tried to be as honest and forthright as I can be.  I'm sure that's what you want.  You have the makings of a good script.  It just suffers from a few missteps and it seems you ran out of gas a bit towards the end as the action sequences began to feel a little too routine and rushed.  Viewed as a first draft you have something pretty good on your hands here but I'd keep at it and continue its refinement.


yes, I do appreciate the honest critique! You are right with the fight scenes. I must add a little more without over stepping into fight chorographer!;p

Thanks again. I wil keep at it! I'll have Milo's review up by thursday night.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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mgj
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Quoted from JD_OK

This is the point I was talking about. Troy doesn't shoot her. Dr. Zahn does. "Smoke rises from a gun in Dr. Zahn's hand. In shock Troy rushes down to Sarah"

Then I even put the line Troy " I couldnt do it. Zahn shot her"



You're right.  I went back and reread the passage.  I'm not sure what I was thinking or, apparently, not thinking.  I had my office christmas party earlier that evening so I'd like to blame it on the rum and egg-nog but I should probably just admit that I had an off night.

Anyway, that was very unprofessional of me so my appologies.  This obviously now changes a portion of my review.  

The way you have it is right - Zahn should kill her.  Troy and Sarah did battle with one another though and that part does go back to my previous comments.  I think you should make it clear that Troy doesn't want to hurt her, even in self-defense.  Maybe play this up a bit more for dramatic effect.  

I was aware that she was pocessed but I still thought the mine should sound, if not feminine, then distinct in some way.  Not a big thing though.

I was wrong too about Troy being Telekenetic.  Psi is not a word I was familiar with but I looked it up and I guess it encompasses all type of paranormal phenomina.  That makes sense then how he was able to save her from the gunshot wound.  I think though that Troy should have to make some sort of personal sacrifice in order to save her.  It seems a little too easy I guess.  It makes him almost god-like (maybe I'm just stuck on the tortured super-hero angle).  Perhaps he could be the one to take the bullet for Sarah, jumping in the way at the last second.  In this senario it would be Sarah who heals him.  Seeing him lying there bleeding to death - this could spark something in her, allowing her true self to emerge.  Just a thought anyway.  

Hope this helps a little more.





"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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JD_OK
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Quoted from mgj


Perhaps he could be the one to take the bullet for Sarah, jumping in the way at the last second.  In this senario it would be Sarah who heals him.  Seeing him lying there bleeding to death - this could spark something in her, allowing her true self to emerge.  Just a thought anyway.  

Hope this helps a little more



Yea, great minds think alot. Again lol I had this as my first ending/twist he took the bullet. But my Professional consultant,  didnt like that fact he took it, and took the responsiblity of Sarah crimes ( he dies, with the mask on, and FBI and everyone finds him dead) So Sarah was free and clear, then she was going to reform and use his aibilties for Good. But troy did come back.

So I had to rewrite, she takes thw fall for the crimes she has commented. But like a mad scientist. Troy can't let her stay gone and brings her back to life, which in turns he has broken "the order" and now Arkon will try and kill them both.

Think the matrix, so many questions presented in the 1st only to be answered later in the sequel.


How was the dialogue for you? anything cheesy stick out for you?

Side note, I liken; what Im reading in Milo, very creative/imaginative thus far


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mgj
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Quoted from JD_OK


How was the dialogue for you? anything cheesy stick out for you?



I know a previous reviewer mentioned that Stahl seems cliche.  That may be true but I don't think it's such a terrible thing to be cliche.  Usually the problem lies when the dialog becomes redundant or unnecessary.  One instance I can think of is when Stahl says 'bag it' at the end.  A person in his position might very well say that but it doesn't really advance the story in any way.



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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mcornetto
Posted: December 13th, 2006, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Found some time tonight so I gave it a squiz.

I thought the concept was good – especially good if you are considering a series tie in.  The story and the required arcs were there.  The first half of the script was pretty tight but the second half still needs some tightening.  

Your characters were good, with the major exception that Troy lost quite a number of respect points by not trying to save Sarah’s mother. I thought Sarah’s split was a bit simplistic at times but I really didn’t have any suggestion as to how to improve that.  Also I did not like that it took so long for Hartley to get tough.

All in all, you did well.  My page by page comments follow.

pg 24. displaying *a* remarkable gift...*The* ability to place.... Is Dr Zahn not a native english speaker?

around pg 36.  I'm finding it a bit difficult to belive his control of his powers - at this point - perhaps more of a clue rather than just the choking incident. Hartley trusting him so easily is also difficult to believe even though you tried justifying it.  


pg 34 *what* the fuck *is* he doing here...

pg 38.  I think this section is a bit mixed up.  Have the exposition about psi on pg 39 be explained to Stahl in third person about the killer after "He ran out of energy". This will give  
Stahl even more reason to be incredulous.

pg 42. She is obviously trusting Troy now. She should have misgivings about giving up the napkin.

pg 43. You think the Dr might soften the news a bit.

pg 53. Ave should be title case.

pg 54. Did you explain where the Mime is getting all these knives?  I think I missed it.
     from *a* stack by Troy.


pg 55 "It is time for my departure" doesn't flow well as dialogue. (to Sarah) Sarah should be title case.

pg 62  Deabla?

pg 69 "is he" should be "he is" -- woulda'? I don't remember Troy being that slangy.

pg 71 I'm not liking Troy in that he won't help his daughter and that he didn't help her mother.

pg 73 Ok. so I'm getting there is this split personality thing going on with Sarah and he won't help the Mime part but I'm still not liking him for not helping the mother.  He could have found some way to help even if it didn't succeed.

pg 74 Troy is hit? through the back window.

pg 78 I assure you revenge is but only a gateway for a lost soul. Without it, we are all cursed... Without revenge we are all cursed?

pg 82 I'm a bit upset with Hartley now. She hasn't shown a single iota of prowess at her job. She should at least get to show how tough she is once so we know she is a good cop.

pg 83 I'm thinking if Stahl had on a vest so should have Deabla and Morez.

pg 84 better Hartley gets tough.

pg 89 Sarah fist's punch throw walls. Hunh?

pg 99 murderer?    
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JD_OK
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Quoted from mcornetto

pg 24. displaying *a* remarkable gift...*The* ability to place.... Is Dr Zahn not a native english speaker?


No, but good point out.


Quoted from mcornetto

around pg 36.  I'm finding it a bit difficult to belive his control of his powers - at this point - perhaps more of a clue rather than just the choking incident. Hartley trusting him so easily is also difficult to believe even though you tried justifying it.


Its supposed to be subdue til he comes out full blown at the bar. It is previously stated what hge is capable of doing by dr zahn.


Quoted from mcornetto

pg 34 *what* the fuck *is* he doing here...


No its supposed to be The fuck, this is part of stahl's speech pattern


Quoted from mcornetto

pg 42. She is obviously trusting Troy now. She should have misgivings about giving up the napkin.



Quoted from mcornetto

pg 54. Did you explain where the Mime is getting all these knives?  I think I missed it.


Yes from the very begining and hospital. knives strapped to the thigh


Quoted from mcornetto

pg 62  Deabla?


Its a hispanic last name


Quoted from mcornetto
g 78 I assure you revenge is but only a gateway for a lost soul. Without it, we are all cursed... Without revenge we are all cursed?


I can see how it could be mixed up. He was speaking of soul last, without it, we all would be lost. I will make it more understood. Thanks


Quoted from mcornetto

pg 83 I'm thinking if Stahl had on a vest so should have Deabla and Morez.
  

Others are shot in the head as stated and stahl is shoot inthe chest.


Quoted from mcornetto

pg 89 Sarah fist's punch throw walls. Hunh?


Thanks, for the review. Again once you sumbit your rewrite, ill be 1st to post


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JD_OK  -  December 28th, 2006, 12:44am
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George Willson
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So this is my second time through this script, and I thought I'd be more detailed. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would, only going through 28 pages in two hours.

An overall comment is about descriptions. Most of your scenes begin with little to no description of what IS happening when the scene begins. You need to establish each scene with a description of what the area looks like, and what the characters are doing when the scene begins. You'll see this mentioned multiple times throughout this portion of my review, but in future ones, I'll only pass over it mentioning you need description at the beginning of the scene.

Here's part one. I'll read on later (which may or may not mean today) and give more.

SPOILERS MAY FOLLOW

2: Wording is a bit funny, but I get it. "Monitors displayING all building entry points surround..."

You mention two vacant feeds, but your previous description only mentions one going out. Before that, the implication is that all monitors are active. If one is dead already, you need to say so.

Kent referring to Moore as "Corporal" comes out as cheap exposition. It would be better if it comes off as an order in the next segment of dialogue from Kent. In fact, it will read better if you replace "you will be fine" with "Corporal" since no danger has been indicated thus far beyond the killing of the monitor.

3: You have a slug immediately followed by a V.O. from Kent. You need to describe what this scene looks like before any dialogue occurs, and if anything is going on there. Sure we have the slug, but that doesn't really count for a description.

Moore's comment to Hickman is a bit weird. Try saying it out loud in some kind of character, and you'll note that it doesn't come out natural.

6: Hill steadies his post. What does this mean?

7: I find it difficult to accept that a military facility would have a phone line so easy to cut, or an alarm system so easy to shut down. Residential alarm systems have battery backup, and some have a cellular backup in case of phone line breach. A government facility would have multiple redundencies to its alarm systems, and when Kent pushes the button, it'll work. The man in black has only just entered the facility and would not have had the opportunity to get to the heart of the place to undo the battery and cellular backups to the alarm system. Also, it is likely that any lines going to this facility would be underground making them that much more difficult to disrupt.

After Burr's dialogue is the first time we are introduced by name to The Mime. This needs to be capitalized, or better yet, name THE MIME on page 6 following the description of the character. It insures consistncy of description. The way it reads now, I know who you're talking about, but it would read cleaner if the Mime were clearly established as that person with mask. Is this nitpicky? You bet!

8: When the security camera goes black, it would be good to have a visual reaction from Kent. Even him standing there with his mouth hanging open, since the Mime just proved him wrong about getting through the glass.

9: What is the source of the light? If it is emanating from the Mime, you need to say this. If it comes from somewhere else, that's useful too.

10: "Let's" has an apostrophe.

Rallins' rushing is worded really oddly. "rushes into an office, for the door" I think something is missing here because I can't visualize this.

In the office, you say McCaine is speaking to a foreign man, but his first line is to Rallins. The description there woudl more rightly read "McCaine sits with a foreign man." It would be good in this scene to put wrylies to notate who McCaine is speaking to.

You need to describe the hallway. Sure we know what a hall looks like, but what are McCaine and Rallins doing in it? Walking? Standing? Drinking coffee? Groping interns? Right now, there's nothing visual here.

11: The War Room secondary heading: Does this transition immediately from the prior scene? That's the only instance where this would be used because while it's a different part of the facility, it's not a part of the preceeding scene. It seems to happen much later. If it does transition, have McCaine give his sigh and "...walk

INTO THE WAR ROOM

where MILITARY PERSONNEL..."

I wouldn't have McCaine start the scene with his question. It's redundant to what follows.

12/13: Rallins seemed like a gopher before, but now he's the guy with all the answers. Colonel Daniels seemed to be in charge, but Rallins takes the floor. Why is that? Who is Rallins anyway? This package that Rallins received should already be in his possession, not (in effect) "coming anytime now" when the meeting begins.

"video of the surveillance tape" is redundant. You would have "surveillance video" or maybe "the surveillance tape" but not both.

Dr. Zahn should already be in the room with everyone, not making a late entrance. We could also do with some introductions to those in the room, if there's not too many.

You have two McCaine dialogue headers in a row during the video section. During this bit, you need to have more video shown, at least in a series of shots or something. In addition, during MCCaine's "rewind that" dialogue, it really should be broken up with what the video is doing.

13/14: Colonel Daniels gets to be the mouthpiece of questions, but it doesn't come off well. The "psiom" question can be more effective asked by complete silence after Dr. Zahn uses the term. He would explain the meaning and then Daniels can ask if it is like telekinesis, and ask it more like a question instead of like a child using his word of the day.

Another example on 14 of where more of the video needs to be shown. Dr. Zahn says "you just witnessed a man...shattering [glass]", but we didn't actually see the video part of that. They saw a guy lifted off the ground.

McCaine's final line is kind of pointless. Obviously, that's their next step. A far better stinger to the scene would be Dr. Zahn talking about conducting the test and end with the name, which we should recognize from the classroom scene earlier. Trouble is, no one said his name earlier, nor was it inferred that his name appeared anywhere in that scene. Either we need to know his name there, or the scene has no purpose. Matt or Chris could say "Sorry Professor Kneddric" or something just to throw it out there.

15: Troy's final line is bizarre. I don't know what he means. "Even controlling it is use directed properly." The test should be better introduced, perhaps in the earlier scene. He mentioned the test there, and then begins it here. Setup-payoff.

The expositional scene on Kneddric is coming across expositional with everyone asking break-up the tirade questions at all the right time. We need something visual to look at while the heads talk. You can lose Colonel Daniels first line since Zahn can kick off the scene on his own. You can also lose McCaine's "What Brazil incident" line since the Voice Over (who needs a name or title, by the way, not just "voice over") breaks up the scene again. It would be good for Zahn to refer to the "Brazil incident" as "Mission Land-Line." By doing so, he ties together with Rallins without the expository break-up question.


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George Willson
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Continued...

16: Rallins should not refer to Troy by his first name.

The phrase is "AN hour and A half." Gotta have those indefinite articles in there. You can drop the first "an" in some cases, but the second one has got to be there.

There's no need to specify alive. It's a given until he is requested dead.

Need to describe the FBI office and the director. This is a location and a person. Don't just blow them off assuming the sterotype.

Stahl's little tirade comes off as needless. First, it implies that the mission is public knowledge around the office, and Stahl is trying to get someone else removed from it. These things would be quiet, and on a need to know basis. The only point to the little tantrum seems to be that he and Kent served together. Consider this: drop Stahl's tantrum at the beginning of the scene. Have the director assign Stahl to bring Troy in, and at the end of the next scene when Hartley comments that Stahl put the last one in the hospital, he can make the statement that he and Kent served together and this one is mine.

17: Why would Hartley's weapon NOT be in her holster? That doesn't make sense. Where WAS it before she picked it up.

"calling out all THE stops"

Hartley's "reading" of the file comes off as cheap exposition. Better to have intermittent mumbling between facts like she is scanning stuff in between what we do here, like there's more there but she doesn't read it out loud. It would also come off like she's reading it to herself. After all, Stahl has probably already read it and doesn't need to hear it again.

18: Maybe a description of the car?

"Hysterical mansion"? What is this? A funhouse? Do you mean "historical"? Maybe we could get an description of it...

No comma after Morbid's name when Morbid and Marc enter.

The sentence on the page is actually two sentences. You need a period between them, not a comma.

20: Arkon would assume he is understood and not ask. But Morbid would still nod.

Arkon's first "reason" implies that he knew about the second visitor even though Marc was not invited. It may seem cool on delivery, but it also feels very rehearsed, and since this is supposed to be life, it should not feel rehearsed. Arkon brought him for a very important reason. Snap goes Marc, reprimand, and continue.

21: No need to end the sentence leading into the interrogation room. Just say "...escort Troy to the

INTERROGATION ROOM

where Stahl places Troy..."

It's handicapPED children.

22: No "of" between "cause" and "pieces"

Stahl says "that's right." What's right? It doesn't really respond to Troy's comment or anything else.

I don't think Troy should threaten Stahl. It comes off as incriminating and Troy would want to remain low key.

23: "Agents Duncan and Ley" would be a better wording or their entrance.

25: So Troy's tattoo is the word "psiom"? Seems a little forward for a government project.

Think about Dr. Zahn's lines before and after Troy examines his wrist. These would be spoken in quick succession, and if you read them that way, it comes off as redundant.

Troy's line: "Oh wait, I'm guessing [[YOU'RE]] just trying to fish..."

Zahn says Troy's wrong about the evidence implying they have something on him, but then confirms that Troy's right by saying they will have it meaning they have nothing right now. This needs to be cleaned up to get rid of the contradiction.

Another hiccup in how the description is worded.

"Troy walks out into the

HALLWAY

where Hartley waits for him."

26: Hartley had this tape recorder under the table already loaded with a tape. When returns, she removes the entire recorder. This doesn't make a lot of sense. What if she would need it later? It is something she was able to start rather surreptitiously, so I question where it is actually located as starting a tape recorder taped under a table requires some dexterity to do without tearing it off. Record buttons are notoriously difficult to press and probably requires more resistance than most tape could provide. A better alternative here to make this recorder look like something that is always there is for Hartley to enter the room, eject the tape, and swap it with another tape. She would have a separate recorder to playback the interrogations she wants while maintaining the one in the room. Sure, it may not play into this story, but these people are supposed to have lives outside of the plot. This move would give her a little more character by showing she always has this there and explain why it was so conveniently setup. As is, it is mere convenience that it was there. By doing it this way, it shows it isn't mere convenience, but careful preplanning. It will make you wonder what else she has setup or might plan out.

Troy's address seems pretty unimportant unless it comes into play later. No need to really show this that I could see at this time.

You say Dr. Zahn speaks on a phone, but he doesn't say anything. It seems like he is just holding the phone to his ear, which is a more accurate description of what we see at this time.

27: McCaine wants Zahn to find the evidence against Troy to hold him, and then says "find out who it is." I don't understand. The implication is that they know who it is and they need to prove it's him.

Morbid's scene is very, very short. We, again, need a description of what Morbid is doing. This improves character. Show us a snippet and then have his phone vibrate with the text.

Hartley's office scene says she listens to the tape of the Troy-Zahn conversation. But there's not dialogue or voiceover or anything in this scene. What part of the conversation is so important that a scene is warranted to show her actually listening to the tape? We know she'll listen to it, but if we're showing her listening, we need a snip of the conversation and a reaction from her because of it. Again, this builds some character.

This is becoming quite the trend. When you go into any location, you need to provide a visual setup for the scene. Tell us something. We don't need at at the end of a scene, but when you have a slug that doesn't continue from a previous scene, you should have a description of what is there and what is going on. In the cab, Troy is sitting a certain way or he is looking at something or even out the window. Give us something to visualize this scene.

27/28: The scenes between Stahl, Hartley, and the director. What I've gathered so far is that the investigation is not to be investigated by the FBI, but the NSA. Anything done by Stahl or Hartley is done under the table, so to speak. Hence, Stahl would not be able to request evidence. If the FBI is doing the investigation, this needs to be clarified. Also, where did Hartley get her picture of the Mime? You also say "the same masked man". Same as what? Does she have something else? What is the connection she made from the tape (you won't play it for us)? Did the evidence come in already? That was quick. Does the CD hold the picture? Seems a strange way to pass it around. Normally, isn't this done on paper? This pair of scenes seems very, very disjointed, like they're a combination of ideas that you wanted to keep but never got sorted during rewrites. Obviously, you want Stahl to get ahold of evidence. To do this, you need to make the investigation clearly collaborative between the FBI and NSA. Mention the joint cooperative to learn different things or something. Anything to clarify that they are not at odds with each other and they are all entitled to what they request through official channels.


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JD_OK
Posted: December 15th, 2006, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wow thanks for in depth report from the 1st 30 pages. I want to comment/agree with somethings, but I'm in a bit of a rush to meet up with my g/f. But I do want to say, I like/agree to most  you have stated. Again I will answer to things you have pointed out shorty!


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George Willson
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Well, remember that everything I mention is just my opinion, and there may be a point in the story I have either missed, haven't reached yet, or maybe just don't understand. I can certainly respond to any comments you have to my comments, and I do intend to complete the script soon. I just figured since this was the second or third draft, you needed a little more in-depthness and a bit more of a nit-picky review.


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Quoted from George Willson

2: Wording is a bit funny, but I get it. "Monitors displayING all building entry points surround..."
All(maybe 1 of 2 might not be) my sentences are active. Meaning no ING. Professional screenwriter told me no ings


Quoted from George Willson

You mention two vacant feeds, but your previous description only mentions one going out. Before that, the implication is that all monitors are active. If one is dead already, you need to say so.


I state, " A monitor behind him goes black. Then Moore's eye is caught cuz now 2 feed are blacked out.

Clearly, they dont notice, but then moore notices after two have dropped out.


Quoted from George Willson

Kent referring to Moore as "Corporal" comes out as cheap exposition. It would be better if it comes off as an order in the next segment of dialogue from Kent. In fact, it will read better if you replace "you will be fine" with "Corporal" since no danger has been indicated thus far beyond the killing of the monitor.


Yea I think your idea rings better!


Quoted from George Willson

3: You have a slug immediately followed by a V.O. from Kent. You need to describe what this scene looks like before any dialogue occurs, and if anything is going on there. Sure we have the slug, but that doesn't really count for a description.


Okay, yea I guess i need to put more descriptions.


Quoted from George Willson

Moore's comment to Hickman is a bit weird. Try saying it out loud in some kind of character, and you'll note that it doesn't come out natural.


which one? bird watching?


Quoted from George Willson

6: Hill steadies his post. What does this mean?


Instead of being relaxed, he is adjusts his position for assault.


Quoted from George Willson

7: I find it difficult to accept that a military facility would have a phone line so easy to cut, or an alarm system so easy to shut down. Residential alarm systems have battery backup, and some have a cellular backup in case of phone line breach. A government facility would have multiple redundencies to its alarm systems, and when Kent pushes the button, it'll work. The man in black has only just entered the facility and would not have had the opportunity to get to the heart of the place to undo the battery and cellular backups to the alarm system. Also, it is likely that any lines going to this facility would be underground making them that much more difficult to disrupt.


I don't explain why. It for the reader and audience to assume, since we are not watching a normal world movie, This person has diabled their alrams and phones. by unknown means.


Quoted from George Willson

After Burr's dialogue is the first time we are introduced by name to The Mime. This needs to be capitalized, or better yet, name THE MIME on page 6 following the description of the character. It insures consistncy of description. The way it reads now, I know who you're talking about, but it would read cleaner if the Mime were clearly established as that person with mask. Is this nitpicky? You bet!


Will do!


Quoted from George Willson

8: When the security camera goes black, it would be good to have a visual reaction from Kent. Even him standing there with his mouth hanging open, since the Mime just proved him wrong about getting through the glass.


Good suggestion


Quoted from George Willson

9: What is the source of the light? If it is emanating from the Mime, you need to say this. If it comes from somewhere else, that's useful too.


Okay. Yea it is emanating from The Mime. I thought "A bright white light traces from The Mime's body outline" would get it across. But I willhad it comes from him soully!



Quoted from George Willson


In the office, you say McCaine is speaking to a foreign man, but his first line is to Rallins. The description there woudl more rightly read "McCaine sits with a foreign man." It would be good in this scene to put wrylies to notate who McCaine is speaking to.


Well this is a indication for adlib. just like "Jody sings with the radio" I dont need to write out what she is saying, but it doesnt cater to the plot.



Quoted from George Willson


11: The War Room secondary heading: Does this transition immediately from the prior scene? That's the only instance where this would be used because while it's a different part of the facility, it's not a part of the preceeding scene. It seems to happen much later. If it does transition, have McCaine give his sigh and "...walk

INTO THE WAR ROOM

where MILITARY PERSONNEL..."


I wouldn't have McCaine start the scene with his question. It's redundant to what follows.


Yea, good point


Quoted from George Willson

12/13: Rallins seemed like a gopher before, but now he's the guy with all the answers. Colonel Daniels seemed to be in charge, but Rallins takes the floor. Why is that? Who is Rallins anyway? This package that Rallins received should already be in his possession, not (in effect) "coming anytime now" when the meeting begins.


i will reword this and see if it rings better.


Quoted from George Willson

"video of the surveillance tape" is redundant. You would have video" or maybe "the surveillance tape" but not both.



I will just say copy surveillance. This is becuz it plays a part at the end.


Quoted from George Willson

Dr. Zahn should already be in the room with everyone, not making a late entrance. We could also do with some introductions to those in the room, if there's not too many.


This is part of his character. He wants to hold attention and does what he wants. Plus this late  serves in mho 4 better introduction. they alrdy there, cuz we now mcCaine is heigher up the chain, so it shfts from when he is there askin to the questions to dr. zahn poitning the finger, which plays on.Some of things u point out are there and u will come full circle after full read. but not all.


Quoted from George Willson

You have two McCaine dialogue headers in a row during the video section. During this bit, you need to have more video shown, at least in a series of shots or something. In addition, during MCCaine's "rewind that" dialogue, it really should be broken up with what the video is doing.


here I dont want to be redundant and restate what wehave seen. They are watching and we are lookin at their actions to the video.



Quoted from George Willson

Another example on 14 of where more of the video needs to be shown. Dr. Zahn says "you just witnessed a man...shattering [glass]", but we didn't actually see the video part of that. They saw a guy lifted off the ground.


Nope. as stated. The video begins when the the video blacks out. Those feeds were gone, b4 Moore got out side. So they wouldnt see what happen to him. As this part goes. I draw the attention to Dr Zahn entering so when we go back to thm watching its when power loss occurred then comes back when The Mime is in view about to kill Hill.


Quoted from George Willson

McCaine's final line is kind of pointless. Obviously, that's their next step. A far better stinger to the scene would be Dr. Zahn talking about conducting the test and end with the name, which we should recognize from the classroom scene earlier. Trouble is, no one said his name earlier, nor was it inferred that his name appeared anywhere in that scene. Either we need to know his name there, or the scene has no purpose. Matt or Chris could say "Sorry Professor Kneddric" or something just to throw it out there.


Excellent suggestion. Ill change it up.


Quoted from George Willson

15: Troy's final line is bizarre. I don't know what he means. "Even controlling it is use directed properly." The test should be better introduced, perhaps in the earlier scene. He mentioned the test there, and then begins it here. Setup-payoff.


Well, I will make it more clear to why he said this. Cuz when the test is over the balls stop clacking. He was making then clack then enitre test taking time. This one of the hidden things that one cuz pick up on. It hints about he has some abilities.


Quoted from George Willson

The expositional scene on Kneddric is coming across expositional with everyone asking break-up the tirade questions at all the right time. We need something visual to look at while the heads talk. You can lose Colonel Daniels first line since Zahn can kick off the scene on his own. You can also lose McCaine's "What Brazil incident" line since the Voice Over (who needs a name or title, by the way, not just "voice over") breaks up the scene again. It would be good for Zahn to refer to the "Brazil incident" as "Mission Land-Line." By doing so, he ties together with Rallins without the expository break-up question.



All good suggestions in tat paragraph. Thank you. I will do this.


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George Willson
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Quoted from JD_OK
All(maybe 1 of 2 might not be) my sentences are active. Meaning no ING. Professional screenwriter told me no ings


No INGs mean no passive sentences. However, in the case of this sentence, The monitor bit is being used as a gerund subject of the sentence and surround is the active verb. In order or this sentence to read properly, the "ing" is required on the end of "display." Active sentences are what we want, but not at the expense of good grammar, which is equally important.


Quoted from JD_OK
I state, " A monitor behind him goes black. Then Moore's eye is caught cuz now 2 feed are blacked out.


Yes, but the way it reads is that one monitor goes black, and after that one does, there are 2 out. It implies that one was already out and the description refers to a second one.


Quoted from JD_OK
which one? bird watching?


I'll have to find it, but reading dialogue aloud is a good way to make it more natural sounding.


Quoted from JD_OK
I don't explain why. It for the reader and audience to assume, since we are not watching a normal world movie, This person has diabled their alrams and phones. by unknown means.


This is a cop-out answer. It's like someone being criticized for something and then calling "dramatic license" instead of finding a reason for it. I've been called on stuff before, and I created a reason that found its way into the script. If I noticed this, someone else will too.


Quoted from JD_OK
Well this is a indication for adlib. just like "Jody sings with the radio" I dont need to write out what she is saying, but it doesnt cater to the plot.


Screenplays don't really have adlib. Every line must have a purpose, or it will be cut. If these two have nothing worthwhile to say, then we don't need any of the conversation.


Quoted from JD_OK
here I dont want to be redundant and restate what wehave seen. They are watching and we are lookin at their actions to the video.


While this is true, we should be experience this story from the audience's perspective, and if in the final film, we will actually witness parts of this video (and the subsequent tape of Hartley's) and that being the case, you as the writer should designate exactly which part of the tape we'll see in the final product.


Quoted from JD_OK
Nope. as stated. The video begins when the the video blacks out. Those feeds were gone, b4 Moore got out side. So they wouldnt see what happen to him. As this part goes. I draw the attention to Dr Zahn entering so when we go back to thm watching its when power loss occurred then comes back when The Mime is in view about to kill Hill.


I believe the dialogue infers certains points were gained from the video, and a great deal of discussion is implied as coming from that source. If the film gives them pieces of information, that needs to be clarified as well. If we don't see the video but hear points of it, it should be indicated as a V.O.

Remember that when you write any screenplay that you need to act if you are watching this movie for the first time in the audience. Everything you see and hear needs to be in the script, even if you think it's redundant or obvious, such as the video clips or the tape recording. Yes, we heard them before, but we need to see reactions to some of these points and the repitition willl give us new information in regards to character or plot. It will also reveal to us when things are learned.


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JD_OK
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Quoted from George Willson
Continued...

16: Rallins should not refer to Troy by his first name.

The phrase is "AN hour and A half." Gotta have those indefinite articles in there. You can drop the first "an" in some cases, but the second one has got to be there.

There's no need to specify alive. It's a given until he is requested dead.

Need to describe the FBI office and the director. This is a location and a person. Don't just blow them off assuming the sterotype.

Stahl's little tirade comes off as needless. First, it implies that the mission is public knowledge around the office, and Stahl is trying to get someone else removed from it. These things would be quiet, and on a need to know basis. The only point to the little tantrum seems to be that he and Kent served together. Consider this: drop Stahl's tantrum at the beginning of the scene. Have the director assign Stahl to bring Troy in, and at the end of the next scene when Hartley comments that Stahl put the last one in the hospital, he can make the statement that he and Kent served together and this one is mine.

17: Why would Hartley's weapon NOT be in her holster? That doesn't make sense. Where WAS it before she picked it up.

"calling out all THE stops"

Hartley's "reading" of the file comes off as cheap exposition. Better to have intermittent mumbling between facts like she is scanning stuff in between what we do here, like there's more there but she doesn't read it out loud. It would also come off like she's reading it to herself. After all, Stahl has probably already read it and doesn't need to hear it again.

18: Maybe a description of the car?

"Hysterical mansion"? What is this? A funhouse? Do you mean "historical"? Maybe we could get an description of it...

No comma after Morbid's name when Morbid and Marc enter.

The sentence on the page is actually two sentences. You need a period between them, not a comma.

20: Arkon would assume he is understood and not ask. But Morbid would still nod.

Arkon's first "reason" implies that he knew about the second visitor even though Marc was not invited. It may seem cool on delivery, but it also feels very rehearsed, and since this is supposed to be life, it should not feel rehearsed. Arkon brought him for a very important reason. Snap goes Marc, reprimand, and continue.

21: No need to end the sentence leading into the interrogation room. Just say "...escort Troy to the

INTERROGATION ROOM

where Stahl places Troy..."

It's handicapPED children.

22: No "of" between "cause" and "pieces"

Stahl says "that's right." What's right? It doesn't really respond to Troy's comment or anything else.

I don't think Troy should threaten Stahl. It comes off as incriminating and Troy would want to remain low key.

23: "Agents Duncan and Ley" would be a better wording or their entrance.

25: So Troy's tattoo is the word "psiom"? Seems a little forward for a government project.

Think about Dr. Zahn's lines before and after Troy examines his wrist. These would be spoken in quick succession, and if you read them that way, it comes off as redundant.

Troy's line: "Oh wait, I'm guessing [[YOU'RE]] just trying to fish..."

Zahn says Troy's wrong about the evidence implying they have something on him, but then confirms that Troy's right by saying they will have it meaning they have nothing right now. This needs to be cleaned up to get rid of the contradiction.

Another hiccup in how the description is worded.

"Troy walks out into the

HALLWAY

where Hartley waits for him."

26: Hartley had this tape recorder under the table already loaded with a tape. When returns, she removes the entire recorder. This doesn't make a lot of sense. What if she would need it later? It is something she was able to start rather surreptitiously, so I question where it is actually located as starting a tape recorder taped under a table requires some dexterity to do without tearing it off. Record buttons are notoriously difficult to press and probably requires more resistance than most tape could provide. A better alternative here to make this recorder look like something that is always there is for Hartley to enter the room, eject the tape, and swap it with another tape. She would have a separate recorder to playback the interrogations she wants while maintaining the one in the room. Sure, it may not play into this story, but these people are supposed to have lives outside of the plot. This move would give her a little more character by showing she always has this there and explain why it was so conveniently setup. As is, it is mere convenience that it was there. By doing it this way, it shows it isn't mere convenience, but careful preplanning. It will make you wonder what else she has setup or might plan out.


Thanks! You hit the money on all the above and I made the changes!


Quoted from George Willson

27: McCaine wants Zahn to find the evidence against Troy to hold him, and then says "find out who it is." I don't understand. The implication is that they know who it is and they need to prove it's him.


Understood and changed for the better!

Quoted from George Willson

Morbid's scene is very, very short. We, again, need a description of what Morbid is doing. This improves character. Show us a snippet and then have his phone vibrate with the text.


hanks for the suggestion. I made the imporvements for this scene!


Quoted from George Willson

This is becoming quite the trend. When you go into any location, you need to provide a visual setup for the scene. Tell us something. We don't need at at the end of a scene, but when you have a slug that doesn't continue from a previous scene, you should have a description of what is there and what is going on. In the cab, Troy is sitting a certain way or he is looking at something or even out the window. Give us something to visualize this scene.


Will do

Quoted from George Willson

27/28: The scenes between Stahl, Hartley, and the director. What I've gathered so far is that the investigation is not to be investigated by the FBI, but the NSA. Anything done by Stahl or Hartley is done under the table, so to speak. Hence, Stahl would not be able to request evidence. If the FBI is doing the investigation, this needs to be clarified. Also, where did Hartley get her picture of the Mime? You also say "the same masked man". Same as what? Does she have something else? What is the connection she made from the tape (you won't play it for us)? Did the evidence come in already? That was quick. Does the CD hold the picture? Seems a strange way to pass it around. Normally, isn't this done on paper? This pair of scenes seems very, very disjointed, like they're a combination of ideas that you wanted to keep but never got sorted during rewrites. Obviously, you want Stahl to get ahold of evidence. To do this, you need to make the investigation clearly collaborative between the FBI and NSA. Mention the joint cooperative to learn different things or something. Anything to clarify that they are not at odds with each other and they are all entitled to what they request through official channels.


I will fix this about them, so it is a collabrative investigation. You will find whats on the cd later in the script. What Hartley Finfds out was explained in earlier draft. I need to reinsert tidbit to what links this later. Thanks!!


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kerrangster
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Here is what I wrote down as far as grammer:

1.) MOORE
Hey, the northeast and northwest
video has lost feed.

Maybe should be:
Hey, the northeast and northwest videos have lost feed.

2.) A beautiful female agent, CLAIRE HARTLEY, in thirties, talks
on the phone. A few pictures rest of her desk of her and his daughter. Stahl enters urgently.  

Maybe you mean: A few pictures, the rest are of her and her daughter.

3.) CHRIS
How was did you get it those balls
to bang forever? I didn't see you
touch it again...

Maybe you mean: remove the word “was”

4.) GATE GUARD
You're never here on the weekends.

Remove the space in front of the “You’re”

5.) TROY
You'll taken everything away from
me...

Maybe you mean: You’ve taken everything away from me…

Review:

I'm not sure if the beginning of the script with the church and the priest did anything for the script?  It started to do something, but then next at the Special Research Center I asked myself what was the church and that all about?  I feel the church scene on page 2 could be removed and everything could start at the Special Research Center (SRC).  After all the action at the SRC, that really made me want to keep reading, and from that point on I just kept reading until the end.  When I got to the end I questioned what the church thing at the beginning of the script was all about, and I read it again thinking I missed something.  

The script read well.  After the church scene, the action at the SRC pull me right into the script, and I had to keep reading to see what it was all about.  Even after I learned how Sarah was related to Troy, I still had to keep reading.  I read the whole thing.

I felt it was X-men-ish... a little.  I wanted to know more about where they got these special gifts.  

There was a little romance in there... starting... but then it went no where.  I thought I'd see a little something more happen between Troy and Claire.  Maybe a little more at the bar?   That would have cemented a more human bond between the reader and Troy.  Troy seemed a little robotic.  

With all said I loved the script.  Every else I said might add a little more icing to the cake.  It's your call.
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JD_OK
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Quoted from kerrangster
Here is what I wrote down as far as grammer:

1.) MOORE
Hey, the northeast and northwest
video has lost feed.

Maybe should be:
Hey, the northeast and northwest videos have lost feed.

2.) A beautiful female agent, CLAIRE HARTLEY, in thirties, talks
on the phone. A few pictures rest of her desk of her and his daughter. Stahl enters urgently.  

Maybe you mean: A few pictures, the rest are of her and her daughter.

3.) CHRIS
How was did you get it those balls
to bang forever? I didn't see you
touch it again...

Maybe you mean: remove the word �was�

4.) GATE GUARD
You're never here on the weekends.

Remove the space in front of the �You�re�

5.) TROY
You'll taken everything away from
me...

Maybe you mean: You�ve taken everything away from me�


Thanks! Spotting these out for me is very appreciated. I have made these changes to the script!


Quoted from kerrangster

Review:

I'm not sure if the beginning of the script with the church and the priest did anything for the script?  It started to do something, but then next at the Special Research Center I asked myself what was the church and that all about?  I feel the church scene on page 2 could be removed and everything could start at the Special Research Center (SRC).


Duly noted! I just altered this today. Along with the title of my screenplay. It normally did start off with the church. Normal the church scene was later and it was all one scene (which came later) I put at he beginning to kinda give it the feeling of how the powers kin of tie in with Jesus/religion. So ilater you see how going their for a final attempt for help. I might end it changin it back after a few reviews about it.


Quoted from kerrangster


The script read well.  After the church scene, the action at the SRC pull me right into the script, and I had to keep reading to see what it was all about.  Even after I learned how Sarah was related to Troy, I still had to keep reading.  I read the whole thing.


Great that is the drive I try to set for the story. To keep the urgency going without entering a dull moment. With that said, You said even after you learned the relation of sarah to troy. Do you mean at the person you felt it got ore interesting or it was enuff to stop, but you kept on anyway?


Quoted from kerrangster

I felt it was X-men-ish... a little.  I wanted to know more about where they got these special gifts.  


You are right. I dont explain how these people have this 'gift'. It is hinted by shuddle.
In the sequel alot of questions like willbe answered.

regarding X-men, I can see where this might look that way. Which is is when i bring out these powers, its going to be R rated. Bones snap and body's expodes, which hasnt been done yet with concept.

Was the powers made believable to you? the origin that ties with Jesus?


Quoted from kerrangster

There was a little romance in there... starting... but then it went no where.  I thought I'd see a little something more happen between Troy and Claire.  Maybe a little more at the bar?   That would have cemented a more human bond between the reader and Troy.  Troy seemed a little robotic.  


This was done on purpose. I didnt want to be cliche, With the aspect that tough guy finds romance at the end. It is a love Story. Love for your family, they he turned away from. and finding that love back with Sarah. Troy's character  could'nt gets with a woman til he comes to acceptance of letting his daughters mother die and havent spoen to srah in years. So lets th romance happen wouldnt fit him. It is setup to explore in the sequel.


Quoted from kerrangster

With all said I loved the script.  Every else I said might add a little more icing to the cake.  It's your call.


Thanks again for the read. I see you are eager for a review on your script and I will deliver! It is late, so I might have something posted tonight. If not all by tomorrow night.

Couple questions----

Did the twists come off as a surprise? or did you see them coming?

How did the bad guys/zahn feel for you?

Any part drag for you?
Dialogue?
Anything funny?
Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" for the story? It was "T.K."


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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JD_OK  -  December 28th, 2006, 12:46am
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Mr.Ripley
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Review: SPOILERS!

hey JD_Ok, finished the script. I enjoyed the idea very much. Nevertheless, the script didn't present the same strength as your idea.

I suggest you revise it again in two weeks in order to see the grammatical mistakes. Nevertheless, they are the easier part to fix.

I apologize beforehand that my review is jumpy but I determine my reviews on things that pop out first to me.

Your overall story does not flow well. You cut some scenes at the wrong time. For instance, pg. 45, you cut abrudtly from Zhan's home to the FBI Tech Lab.

There are other scenes where you are telling rather than showing. For instance,
pg. 47-
EXT. TROY'S HOME - NIGHT
Stahl gives the MEN instructions.
STAHL
Take your team to the side. P.D. take the back. You two come with me.

Another problem is format such as this:
pg. 53
V.O.
(over radio)
Stay put! Almost there. Over.

In addition, a good majority of the a character's actions seem to pop out from nowhere rather than gradually leading to that action being made.

Your detail fighting secquences should be limited since you are too specific. And it provides you more room to enhance your story. Your action sequence takes up a good 1 or 2 pgs.

I don't understand why you start with that beginning. Is it to show how evil the MIME is? If so, delete it since the MIME reveals that during the whole military base scene.

I also really did not get a feel of the characters. They were not fully captured. the dialgoue was somewhat decent.

You should really hark back to the first script especially with the scene involving the two teenagers. I prefer that scene than this new one. It was original.

Other than that, I say we both have long work to do in revising our scripts. And for the title, I think you should keep it as T.K. There are too many movies that have "the" in the title.

If you need any clarification, let me know.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
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JD_OK
Posted: December 20th, 2006, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Review: SPOILERS!

hey JD_Ok, finished the script. I enjoyed the idea very much. Nevertheless, the script didn't present the same strength as your idea.


hey thanks for prompt review!


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I suggest you revise it again in two weeks in order to see the grammatical mistakes. Nevertheless, they are the easier part to fix.

I hope there were'nt to many..


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Your overall story does not flow well. You cut some scenes at the wrong time. For instance, pg. 45, you cut abrudtly from Zhan's home to the FBI Tech Lab.


The scene was done? needed more? Wrong time to go there? Did it cut tension for another scene?


Quoted from Mr.Ripley


Another problem is format such as this:
pg. 53
V.O.
(over radio)
Stay put! Almost there. Over.


No this is correct. If I simply put VO. That would be a narrative voice,  and since this vioce is no one in particular. just V.O. is fine and (from radio) where the voice is coming from.

Also because a proffesional consultant told me its correct.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

In addition, a good majority of the a character's actions seem to pop out from nowhere rather than gradually leading to that action being made.


example?


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I don't understand why you start with that beginning. Is it to show how evil the MIME is? If so, delete it since the MIME reveals that during the whole military base scene.


Hmm maybe the new beginning isnt working out how I thought it would. I felt this would set up the suspense since the intro to kent and moore really not that interesting til the attack.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I also really did not get a feel of the characters. They were not fully captured. the dialgoue was somewhat decent.


noted


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

You should really hark back to the first script especially with the scene involving the two teenagers. I prefer that scene than this new one. It was original.


No no... Everyone else would disagree with you. This one if far superior. But i just appreciate you honest opinion.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I think you should keep it as T.K. There are too many movies that have "the" in the title.


I can just remove the "the" lol. Thanks again


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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Mr.Ripley
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Hey JD_OK. I didn't know about the VO thing. Sorry. I learned something.

The action reference is due to transitions. You don't transition very well. For example, when Hartley has the Troy's blood on a handkerchief, how did she get that? Or the beginning scene with the chruch and then to the military base.

Basically that's the problem I saw. I hope this helps.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey JD_OK. I didn't know about the VO thing. Sorry. I learned something.

The action reference is due to transitions. You don't transition very well. For example, when Hartley has the Troy's blood on a handkerchief, how did she get that? Or the beginning scene with the chruch and then to the military base.

Basically that's the problem I saw. I hope this helps.

Gabe


Its cool!

hartley picked up the bullet pallets dropped by troy at the end of the bar fight scene, as stated ( maybe you missed it?)

The Church ties back late in the story with Sarah, we see the side of the priest and whats he is doin, then later we catch up seeing what happen in her side which made change.


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Mr.Ripley
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So sorry. I've been reading too much as a result of school. I need to take a break since this is mistake after mistake. I missed it totally the blood pallets. Sorry again.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
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Steve-Dave
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Here's what I got so far

SPOILERAMA!!!..................................................................................................

pg 1 - "church is gloomy lit" struck me as an odd adjective to use. Maybe dimly lit would be better.

I'd say just say something like MAN or VOICE instead of MIME in the confessional, as he has not yet been properly introduced and we have not seen him yet.

I assume Kent is Moore's superior, so I think it'd be better iif he flips him off behind his back or something to make it more humorous. I don't know how kindly Kent would take Moore flipping him off if he was higher up on the food chain. Also, how old are the gentlemen?

No page numbers?

mistake pg 16 (I think) - The FBI DIRECTOR (55) sits a desk.

I like the name Mr. Morbid

mistake pg 20 - CHRIS - How did you get it those balls to bang forever?

It seems like nobody cares that Stahl is choking on pg 24. Everyone's just chatting and going about their business.

The opening scene where the mime stole the files kinda reminds me of V for Vendetta, but this is much better so far. V for Vendetta was a terribly boring movie. I'm interested in this so far, and wondering where it's gonna go. I'll have more later.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
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George Willson
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If I might ask, what led you to change the name to "The Unholy Cry." I notice that since you've posted a new draft, I'll actually have to start over on reviewing it. I'm a little short on time at the moment, though.


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Quoted from George Willson
If I might ask, what led you to change the name to "The Unholy Cry." I notice that since you've posted a new draft, I'll actually have to start over on reviewing it. I'm a little short on time at the moment, though.


Oh, only the beginning changed a hair, to create the suspense since kent and moore intros are not as interesting til we get to the killing.

I made all the changes you advised so nothing major will stop you from picking up where you left off that would lead to confusion. Thanks!

Oh and the name changed. I had talk to a consultant about the former name. and I did have to agree T.K. just did pull you in to want to read just the name alone. Or tell you a little something about the story in the title.

The name changed is what lead to the new beginning tidbit pulled from later in the story.


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Quoted from Steve-Dave
Here's what I got so far

SPOILERAMA!!!..................................................................................................

pg 1 - "church is gloomy lit" struck me as an odd adjective to use. Maybe dimly lit would be better.

I'd say just say something like MAN or VOICE instead of MIME in the confessional, as he has not yet been properly introduced and we have not seen him yet.

I assume Kent is Moore's superior, so I think it'd be better iif he flips him off behind his back or something to make it more humorous. I don't know how kindly Kent would take Moore flipping him off if he was higher up on the food chain. Also, how old are the gentlemen?

No page numbers?

mistake pg 16 (I think) - The FBI DIRECTOR (55) sits a desk.

I like the name Mr. Morbid

mistake pg 20 - CHRIS - How did you get it those balls to bang forever?

It seems like nobody cares that Stahl is choking on pg 24. Everyone's just chatting and going about their business.

The opening scene where the mime stole the files kinda reminds me of V for Vendetta, but this is much better so far. V for Vendetta was a terribly boring movie. I'm interested in this so far, and wondering where it's gonna go. I'll have more later.



Wow, I totally missed this post. Yea I get brought into v alot, but I SWEAR Iw rote this script/concept b4 i even know who or what v for Ven was.

V never went on a mission to retrieve anything. just kill and terrorize! ;p

Stahl choking only hartley was the one to pant on his back. NSA came in after he was regaining air and since they arent suppose to be in there on NSA intero. they just want them to leave. Also This is why I have him " smacking on gum" so maybe he really is just choking on the gum or some unknown engergy is getting even...

THanks for pointing those out and great suggestions. Im going to finish  Happy ending
Today (saturday).  Im glad you are enjoying thus far. Im enjoying your story aswell


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  December 25th, 2006, 10:30am
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Shelton
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I've got a little bit of time before I need to head to the in-laws for Christmas, so I figured I'd pop this open and offer some feedback.  Hopefully I'll be able to get through it all in one siting, but if not, I'll pick up where I leave off later.

I liked the action in the opening sequence, but I can see how you would draw comparison to "V for Vendetta".  The mask, the knives, the hand to hand combat, all fairly similar.  I don't know about ending the scene just with Kent opening the door either.  Have the mime grab him by the throat or something.  That half second piece of action can make a big difference.  

Ok, reading a little further ahead I see the video part, so I guess the sudden jump would work alright.  Perhaps just a reaction from Kent.

I just noticed you don't have any page numbers.

I'm noticing some pieces of dialogue that read really funny every now on and then, like Rallins giving the background on Troy.  The sentences read mechanically, contrasting the way people talk.

I see a couple instances of V.O here, where I doubt you have a character named V.O.  You should tag them as MAN'S VOICE or something along those lines.

Couple mispellings I've found....

scares should be scars, scared should be scarred.  Ginnie should be Guinea.

On the whole I enjoyed your script.  The action flowed well, and I thought you had a really god pace going.  The one thing that I had a problem with, as I mentioned earlier is the dialogue.  There are a lot of parts that just read mechanically and left me going "???".

Some of them appeared to be a missing word here and there, but other things, like Morez dropping the word vato when he should more or less be a conservative agent just threw me off.

Also, I'm assuming you have a sequel in the works or already up?  It'd be nice to see some kind of payoff with Troy/Sarah and Morbid/Arkon considering the little bit of time you spent building that up in this one.

Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there.

3/5


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JD_OK
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Quoted from Shelton
Have the mime grab him by the throat or something.  That half second piece of action can make a big difference.  

Ok, reading a little further ahead I see the video part, so I guess the sudden jump would work alright.  Perhaps just a reaction from Kent.


Good suggestion!


Quoted from Shelton

I just noticed you don't have any page numbers.

I use final draf, but if i save it to pdf from finsl its makes it like 4meg( in size) t download. but if i said as rft, then have acrobat make pdf from that thn its only 370kb.
So I use that and unfortunately its doesnt give the page numbers and It makes characters anem and dialog seperate at some pages.


Quoted from Shelton

I'm noticing some pieces of dialogue that read really funny every now on and then, like Rallins giving the background on Troy.  The sentences read mechanically, contrasting the way people talk.


I see, so you mean, so it doesnt sound natural flowing words?


Quoted from Shelton

I see a couple instances of V.O here, where I doubt you have a character named V.O.  You should tag them as MAN'S VOICE or something along those lines.


Will do.


Quoted from Shelton

Couple mispellings I've found....

scares should be scars, scared should be scarred.  Ginnie should be Guinea.


Thanks for those! Will change asap.

Quoted from Shelton

On the whole I enjoyed your script.  The action flowed well, and I thought you had a really god pace going.  The one thing that I had a problem with, as I mentioned earlier is the dialogue.  There are a lot of parts that just read mechanically and left me going "???".


Thanks! I've work really hard to get it on a constant roll. I will be going through hese dialogues and correct these things!


Quoted from Shelton

Some of them appeared to be a missing word here and there, but other things, like Morez dropping the word vato when he should more or less be a conservative agent just threw me off.


very true. I added vato just so he seemed alittle different. I will try and angle this a different way.


Quoted from Shelton

Also, I'm assuming you have a sequel in the works or already up?  It'd be nice to see some kind of payoff with Troy/Sarah and Morbid/Arkon considering the little bit of time you spent building that up in this one.


Yes I do! Its a two part story. Second will dig deeper into back ground of these character/ explain unanswered question. Morbid/Arkon will shift to major roles of the story aswell Troy/Hartley and relationship of Sarah and Troy.


Quoted from Shelton

Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there.

3/5



I appreciate your time and feedback! Let me know if and when I can read your new script!

Couple questions if could....

Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  December 24th, 2006, 7:59pm
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Mr. Maven
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Drew me in the first page, but I'm a sucker for screenplays.  However, reading to the fifth page I could clearly see you have begun a fabulous story - but it seems like a thriller...not catagorized as action.  I don't know, though.  I only got to a few pages.  Anyway, one error I did find was that at the bottom of, I think, page four or three you had a charactor speaking into the radio.  You had written the name and the "action" but his dialogue was at the top of the NEXT page.  Small detailed corrections like those would benefit a much better script.  And page numbers would look good as well.
Other than that I will continue to read and best of luck with this screenplay.

Colby


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Quoted from JD_OK
Wow, I totally missed this post. Yea I get brought into v alot, but I SWEAR Iw rote this script/concept b4 i even know who or what v for Ven was.


Isn't that irritating as hell? Especially when a shitty movie like V takes it. But, even though you may have done it first, V for Vendetta is already out, So I'd recommendmodifying it anyways. Lots have things have been taken from my writings too over time that I've seen pop up in other movies, but I always adjust them. Actually, I find it better when you use ordinary things in their surroundings instead of something like knives. Like in the bar fight when Troy was just using everything in the room. But here's another chunk of review.

SPOILERS**************************************************************

pg 43 - Morez speaks, and then in his NEXT piece of dialogue you state he has a Spanish accent. Why not just say in his description iintroduction nstead?

the bar fight i thought was cool.

PG 44 - ZAHN - "tell me something I don't already assume." seems like an odd thing to say. Tell me something I don't know is a probably the better way to say it I think.

pg 45 - PHYSICIAN - "Only have week or two to live." should be A week or two

descriptions are missing for a lot of your characters.

Troy's fighting the mime was cool.

Although, again, I would like to see more of things that haven't been done yet during the chase and fight with the mime, that displays their other abilities, running, jumping, climbing, strength, etc. Right now, it seems like it's just like the force from star wars. I'd like to see more of a range in powers other than just hand to hand combat and levitating things. It has to offer something that hasn't been touched on really or you have to tweak it so that it's a little different. I like harnessing the energy of the body, but nothing is really spectacular to me about how they use it. It needs it's own kinda trademark. Like the Matrix had the bullet dodging for example. Am I making sense? Like, I just think you could have more fun with the action sequences, showing us things we've never seen before, you know? Like Sarah crushing the windows in the car I thought was cool.

top pg 60 - I used to do this all the time, but it's redundant to put (to Deabla) when he says in the next line of dialogue, "Diabla, don't let me down"

"Great fuck, are you retarded?" I loved this line.

You also have a problem with putting "a" before words that start with a vowel, when it should be "AN". I've read four so far.

I'll have more later...


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
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"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Mr. Maven
Drew me in the first page, but I'm a sucker for screenplays.  However, reading to the fifth page I could clearly see you have begun a fabulous story -


Thanks! I'm glad I was able to capture your attention! Were you just scanning for something to read? name or Logline peak your interest to read?


Quoted from Mr. Maven

but it seems like a thriller...not catagorized as action.  I don't know, though.  I only got to a few pages.  


Yea, its has alot of genre through out. But for the must Part Action is constantly happening so i felt  the majority of the story pulled action genre.


Quoted from Mr. Maven

Anyway, one error I did find was that at the bottom of, I think, page four or three you had a charactor speaking into the radio.  You had written the name and the "action" but his dialogue was at the top of the NEXT page.  Small detailed corrections like those would benefit a much better script.  And page numbers would look good as well.


Yea this is only like that becuz i have it in rft format, which I DO NOT USE. I use final draft, which doesnt do this. But since most people dont have final draft to read the script, I copy pasted to rtf, then pdf it. unfortunately page numbers and small things like th name and dialogue dont transfer


Quoted from Mr. Maven

Other than that I will continue to read and best of luck with this screenplay.

Colby


Thanks I hope you enjoy the story and feel free to voice anything you like or dislike!



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Quoted from Steve-Dave


Isn't that irritating as hell? Actually, I find it better when you use ordinary things in their surroundings instead of something like knives. Like in the bar fight when Troy was just using everything in the room.

Yea it is annoying! This is true, but i did this on purpose. To contrast Troy's fighting style compared to The Mime's

Quoted from Steve-Dave


SPOILERS**************************************************************

pg 43 - Morez speaks, and then in his NEXT piece of dialogue you state he has a Spanish accent. Why not just say in his description iintroduction nstead?

Aw thank you for this point out!


Quoted from Steve-Dave

the bar fight i thought was cool.

My consultant actually wants me to cut that in half, and i feel its just right. You feel it was too long? Anythin in there that is just over kill? I personally feel its all nees to remain


Quoted from Steve-Dave

PG 44 - ZAHN - "tell me something I don't already assume." seems like an odd thing to say. Tell me something I don't know is a probably the better way to say it I think.


Yea, I worded this way to be part of his character and the way he talks.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 45 - PHYSICIAN - "Only have week or two to live." should be A week or two

descriptions are missing for a lot of your characters.


Thanks I will correct this


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Troy's fighting the mime was cool.


Thanks, i actually added tot his fight becuz previous viewersfelt I need more description of this fight. B4 only thing I described was the stair case of crates action that follows. Did you like the twist here?


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Although, again, I would like to see more of things that haven't been done yet during the chase and fight with the mime, that displays their other abilities, running, jumping, climbing, strength, etc. Right now, it seems like it's just like the force from star wars. I'd like to see more of a range in powers other than just hand to hand combat and levitating things. It has to offer something that hasn't been touched on really or you have to tweak it so that it's a little different.


These are hinted on speed, jumping. When the Mime runs from the hospital and jumps to umpster and over a ences seamlessly. Also with troy jumping over house fence. You will see like later the strength things.


Quoted from Steve-Dave


I like harnessing the energy of the body, but nothing is really spectacular to me about how they use it. It needs it's own kinda trademark. Like the Matrix had the bullet dodging for example. Am I making sense? Like, I just think you could have more fun with the action sequences, showing us things we've never seen before, you know? Like Sarah crushing the windows in the car I thought was cool.


Yes you sure is. But this is why I focus on the light source more in this and its relavince. I think I will go ahead and alil something more out side of this as you suggested. For the most part I'm saving alot of these others things for the sequel. So it has some moe then seen before.

You will understand this once you come to the end. Let me know if you agree later with comment


Quoted from Steve-Dave

top pg 60 - I used to do this all the time, but it's redundant to put (to Deabla) when he says in the next line of dialogue, "Diabla, don't let me down"

"Great fuck, are you retarded?" I loved this line.

You also have a problem with putting "a" before words that start with a vowel, when it should be "AN". I've read four so far.

I'll have more later...


Thanks I will correct these! Hehe, one of my favorites too! But mine favor is from Hartley , which you will prolly like aswell down further in the story. Sounds good look forward to your insight.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  December 26th, 2006, 3:01am
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Hey JD. Hmmm, JD, does that stand for Jack Daniels by any chance? That'd be cool if my name was Jack Daniels. Anyways, I read the rest, and got this for ya...

SPOILER ALERT...................................................................................................


Quoted from JD_OK
Yea it is annoying! This is true, but i did this on purpose. To contrast Troy's fighting style compared to The Mime's

Makes sense.


Quoted from JD_OK
My consultant actually wants me to cut that in half, and i feel its just right. You feel it was too long? Anythin in there that is just over kill? I personally feel its all nees to remain
I think it's fine.


Quoted from JD_OK
Thanks, i actually added tot his fight becuz previous viewersfelt I need more description of this fight. B4 only thing I described was the stair case of crates action that follows. Did you like the twist here?
You mean the twist with Sarah? Yeah, I liked Sarah's involvement in the script. May be better if you had a reference to Sarah somehow earlier, lke Troy talks about how he hasn't seen her in a while to Hartley or something.


Quoted from JD_OK
Yes you sure is. But this is why I focus on the light source more in this and its relavince. I think I will go ahead and alil something more out side of this as you suggested. For the most part I'm saving alot of these others things for the sequel. So it has some moe then seen before.
Makes sense, you do have to go "bigger" in the sequels.

top pg 64 - "A lap turns on"

pg 65 - Putting just a V.O. as the heading for dialogue seems odd. Maybe put VOICE and then describe that the voice is deep and distorted and over an intercom or whatever.

mistake bottom pg 65- " her eyes lids"

pg 67 - Her face is badly burned and her throat "WAS" singed from the electrocution. (Should be IS)

pg 67 - Where doesthe cellar scenefall in the timeline of things? Also, clarify when the flashback ends. Also, the portrait of the mime was there? Wouldn't Troy have already recognized who she was by the mask before she even took it off.

pg 72 - SARAH - "Yea"

pg 72 - SARAH - "Its time to make it right" - missing apostrophe on it's.

Maybe you should describe Johna from her picture instead, as that is our first encounter with her.

pg 74 - HARTLEY - "they struggled save to her"

pg 75 - SARAH  - "then how is she believe you won't..."

pg 75 - "Troy tries to counter each blow, but not he does not strike her. "

pg 76 - STAHL - "We were this close". Either make Stahl make some gesture with his hands to signify just how close they were, or change this to "So close" or something.

pg 77 - Stahl and Hartley fasten their seat belt. (should be beltS)

pg 77 - HARTLEY - "We know its" - apostrophe again.

pg 78 - STAHL - "Then we all know what has to done"

troy cocking the gun underneath his head with his mind is pretty bad ass. Great visual.

pg 88 - "Weapons fire at the each trooper"

turning the glass to sand i thought was cool.

pg 98 -  RALLINS - "The treat is naturalized" - ???? I think you might mean the threat was naturalized, or the threat is neutralized, perhaps. Although the thought of a naturalized treat does sound downright delicious.

I liked the ending. I was thinking when she died that the ending sucked, but then it was cool that she came back. Kinda confusing though, were'n't they just fighting??? What if she goes all mime again and starts fucking things up?

The glowing and sparks...did you ever hear of a movie called The Last Dragon? It's a real cheesy movie where they had the glowing red and everything too. It's nothing bad or a big deal,  I just thought it was funny cuz it reminded me of it, and I wonder if you know the movie I'm taling about.

All in all I thought this was really cool. I like how you keep unfolding new parts of the story as it goes along. At the start of it, I thought it'd be kinda dull, not because of you though, but it's just that action scripts and things with a lot of military people in it I just find rather boring, but this definitely just kept getting better and better. From finding out who Sarah is to finding out they harnassed Jesus' powers, to Zahn wanting the power cuz he's dying to the great ending, really cool stuff. It was more interesting than I thought it would be. The only real problem, I think Troy and Sarah's relationship is a little screwy. They fight and then they talk and love each other, then they fight again, I don't know, I think you need more of a stright path there. But yeah...cool script. Good job.

and by the way, is there anything you could say about the sequel? When? why? how? progress? title? etc.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
Hey JD. Hmmm, JD, does that stand for Jack Daniels by any chance? That'd be cool if my name was Jack Daniels. Anyways, I read the rest, and got this for ya...


No lol, my nameis JD and i live in oklahoma weak name huh? ;p


Quoted from Steve-Dave

You mean the twist with Sarah? Yeah, I liked Sarah's involvement in the script. May be better if you had a reference to Sarah somehow earlier, lke Troy talks about how he hasn't seen her in a while to Hartley or something.


Yea i get this alot in the reviews to just give alil of Sarah. I dont know if it in the rules, we spot the "killer" of who did it b4 revealed. But i wanna stay far from cliches and most all "who is it" movies They r hinted at earlier for a scene which is like 1 secs, then later yu oohhhh!!. I not going for that. I want all to trick the mind and force doubt on Troy even tho it proclaims his innocence. Then BANG we find out, its not even a man..


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Makes sense, you do have to go "bigger" in the sequels.


Damn right!


Quoted from Steve-Dave

top pg 64 - "A lap turns on"

pg 65 - Putting just a V.O. as the heading for dialogue seems odd. Maybe put VOICE and then describe that the voice is deep and distorted and over an intercom or whatever.

mistake bottom pg 65- " her eyes lids"

pg 67 - Her face is badly burned and her throat "WAS" singed from the electrocution. (Should be IS)

pg 72 - SARAH - "Yea"

pg 72 - SARAH - "Its time to make it right" - missing apostrophe on it's.

Maybe you should describe Johna from her picture instead, as that is our first encounter with her.

pg 74 - HARTLEY - "they struggled save to her"

pg 75 - SARAH  - "then how is she believe you won't..."

pg 75 - "Troy tries to counter each blow, but not he does not strike her. "

pg 76 - STAHL - "We were this close". Either make Stahl make some gesture with his hands to signify just how close they were, or change this to "So close" or something.

pg 77 - Stahl and Hartley fasten their seat belt. (should be beltS)

pg 77 - HARTLEY - "We know its" - apostrophe again.

pg 78 - STAHL - "Then we all know what has to done"
.

pg 88 - "Weapons fire at the each trooper"


Thanks a million! I fill correct these asap!

Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 67 - Where doesthe cellar scenefall in the timeline of things? Also, clarify when the flashback ends. Also, the portrait of the mime was there? Wouldn't Troy have already recognized who she was by the mask before she even took it off.


After they plant the bug. she goes home then goes down into cellar. Troy is still unconscious. When he wakes up he asks her se has she done. And she tells him shhh, "she will hear you" Then he looks over to the painting of a mime on the wall. Indicating her alternate personality


Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 98 -  RALLINS - "The treat is naturalized" - ???? I think you might mean the threat was naturalized, or the threat is neutralized, perhaps. Although the thought of a naturalized treat does sound downright delicious.


Yes I put that on purpose. Cause before the treat thought to be supernatural. So its been brought back down to natural. By What Rallins has cleared as fake things.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

turning the glass to sand i thought was cool.
troy cocking the gun underneath his head with his mind is pretty bad ass. Great visual


Thanks! Im going to have more fun with Arkon . From Walking on the water to doin other myths


Quoted from Steve-Dave

I liked the ending. I was thinking when she died that the ending sucked, but then it was cool that she came back. Kinda confusing though, were'n't they just fighting??? What if she goes all mime again and starts fucking things up?


Hehe. Yes they were just fighting (the mime) not Sarah. Troy couldn't let her died. i didnt bring back Johna becuz of the repercussion if he had (peope around) and Arkon.

But he brought her back knowing that he has  "broke the order" aswell as Sarah.
On Sarah's note- i have things planned for her. But i think theMime is the symbol of this script/movie and it has to be brought for the seuel. But the fashion I bring it cant be the same.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

The glowing and sparks...did you ever hear of a movie called The Last Dragon? It's a real cheesy movie where they had the glowing red and everything too. It's nothing bad or a big deal,  I just thought it was funny cuz it reminded me of it, and I wonder if you know the movie I'm taling about.


I assume now just bcuz you seen Last dragon you are black or mixed lol, cuz you are the FIRST to find this. I grew up watching this movie over and over and over. Pretty much paying bring the "glow" idea back to life in a better way. Giving it a origin and a purpose ( not for the sake its just for show as in last dragon)

Quoted from Steve-Dave

All in all I thought this was really cool. I like how you keep unfolding new parts of the story as it goes along. At the start of it, I thought it'd be kinda dull, not because of you though, but it's just that action scripts and things with a lot of military people in it I just find rather boring, but this definitely just kept getting better and better. From finding out who Sarah is to finding out they harnassed Jesus' powers, to Zahn wanting the power cuz he's dying to the great ending, really cool stuff. It was more interesting than I thought it would be. The only real problem, I think Troy and Sarah's relationship is a little screwy. They fight and then they talk and love each other, then they fight again, I don't know, I think you need more of a stright path there. But yeah...cool script. Good job.

and by the way, is there anything you could say about the sequel? When? why? how? progress? title? etc.


Thanks. I do appreciate great feedback and review. I'm luck I paid a consultant some big bucks to tell me to trash (rewrite) my original story of this, cuz this by far is better and pushed me to do make it a constant ride.

referrence to Sarah and Troy. This conflict is part of Troy change. At 1st he isnt ready to help Sarah, fear of being exposed, but just to forget what Zahn had done. Then he has to realize He has to be the one to stop her and even kill her cuz she is out of control. Its at the final battle. He cant do it. But Revenge is carried  out. So whats next? Arkon.

Sequel- I always had this planned as sequel. I will tell you this. There is a reason I show the knives expoding when not wielded or usen objects just by engery. Cuz  your body does not have direct control of it. (its on you) Their shielding cant let Stray psi control it. But when not directly controlling it, The stray psi can be over come by different psi. What im getting at the sequel will form th use of hand weapons to fight the "order" people. And you better believe sarah/Mime will be doing num chuck action.

I know the direction I want with the sequel. But I wont start on it til I iron out this story 1st. but it will bring together bonds formed here and how morbid/Arkon/Troy tie in togerther and answer how they came to be.

Couple questions if you have time.......
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  December 27th, 2006, 7:58pm
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Shelton
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Quoted from JD_OK


Couple questions if could....

Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."


I thought the ending was fine, but like I said, it left me wondering if you were planning a sequel.  It ends fine, just in a way that forces you to continue it.

The opening in the church was alright.  Could you lose it?  Absolutely.  It doesn't do all that much to further the story, and the real hook is in the opening action.

Nothing seemed too easy or out place, but I had my "suspension of disbelief" cap on, and was more in tune with the supernatural tone of the script.

I think Hartley and Troy are fine in this chapter.  If you wanted to work something between them in, I would save it for later on.

Twists were good.  Nothing unusual, but effective nonetheless.

I'd say it has direct to dvd appeal, definitely.  I wouldn't go so much with the tv movie thing, unless maybe it were on the Sci-Fi channel or something.



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Steve-Dave
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Quoted from JD_OK
I assume now just bcuz you seen Last dragon you are black or mixed lol, cuz you are the FIRST to find this. I grew up watching this movie over and over and over. Pretty much paying bring the "glow" idea back to life in a better way. Giving it a origin and a purpose ( not for the sake its just for show as in last dragon)
LOL. YES! The "glow".  No, I'm not black or mixed, I just grew up on a lot of cheesy B movies. Last Dragon, Killer Klowns From Outerspace, The Warriors...etc.


Quoted from JD_OK
Could you feel/relate to a character?
Yeah, I thought Troy was a good lead, I was there with him. I liked Hartley a lot too, and Sarah's inner conflict.


Quoted from JD_OK
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Not really out of place, but you could definitely do away with it though. Now if you went from her to Troy or something to break in between it'd be one thing, but you go from Sarah in the confessional right to Sarah again, so there's really no time for us to think like, "gee I wonder what the mime has to do with this" you know what I mean? So, there's not really any mystery with it.


Quoted from JD_OK
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
No, everything was gravy. Just Troy and Sarah's relationship seemed a little funny, that's all. Like I said before. And something I just thought of...wouldn't Sarah have the ability to erase her scars with her Jesus healing powers? But that's just nit picking, it doesn't really matter.


Quoted from JD_OK
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
No, I think Stahl and Hartley should get it on though. Maybe you could have a new love interest for Troy in the sequel, or maybe even a love interest for Sarah. You could just get EVERYBODY laid.


Quoted from JD_OK
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Decent enough. I liked the new elements you kept bringing in. It kept it interesting and left me wanting more and wondering where this was gonna go. I just think you could hint a little more at Sarah earlier on, even with a picture or something on Troy's desk. I don't think it would be that obvious.


Quoted from JD_OK
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?
I could see it on the big screen.


Quoted from JD_OK
Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."
Not really, I don't think it fits very well. It sounds to me more of a religious movie, when it actually only has slight religious undertones and is more sci-fi. I liked T.K. a lot better actually.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
I just think you could hint a little more at Sarah earlier on, even with a picture or something on Troy's desk. I don't think it would be that obvious.


Thanks! I REALLY like this suggestion. It would tie back in with the bar when Hartley askes about "So tell me about her", without giving anything away.


Quoted from Steve-Dave


Not really, I don't think it fits very well. It sounds to me more of a religious movie, when it actually only has slight religious undertones and is more sci-fi. I liked T.K. a lot better actually.


Yea, title is pending =\

Oh and I here...

Quoted from Steve-Dave

And something I just thought of...wouldn't Sarah have the ability to erase her scars with her Jesus healing powers? But that's just nit picking, it doesn't really matter.


No, she can't Heal. This is where the reference to " Someone like you" (to morbid) then later Morbid realizes what Troy is capable of/Healing and he leveling of psi. So he goes to Arkon and tell him " He isn't like me... He is like you"

She has yet to discover all of the psi abilitie which has alot more that I dont show in this one. So like I gave people different like thins to show off psi. Like troy doesnt levitate by Sarah does. We see Arkon walk on water and resmelt glass back to sand. Troy's one touch kill to the healing/stopping the bullets versus letting the holy light shield him.

Thank you and Mike S for the excellent feedback responses!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  December 27th, 2006, 8:09pm
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Seth
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S P O I L E R S


JD,

You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.  

Still, I have a few comments.

A fresco is a painting. One, as the dictionary says, is executed in a certain way -- on  a moist, plaster surface. This being as it is, you might want to change "fresco windows" to stained glass windows.

Along the same lines, there are numerous grammatical mistakes. So many, in fact, that if I attempted to cite each one, it could've easily taken me hours to read your script -- you should get someone to assist you in proofreading your work.

The only other complaint I have is the robbery scene was, I think, drawn out. Boring. It's, I think, three pages of discriptives. Far too long.

There are, though, many things I like about this script. As I already wrote, the structure is excellent. You've weaved all the various elements together in a way that allows the script to slowly unfold, revealing bits of info that, in the end, come together -- making for a satisfying experience.  

Along the way, questions are presented. Ones that prompt the reader to turn pages (or as the case may be, scroll down),

I especially liked the scene (the flashback) in which it's revealed how Sara's face was burned. I felt sympathetic toward her.

Anyway, overall, an excellent script -- well told story. Again, my only real problem is with all the grammatical errors.

Seth



  


Scripts

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JD_OK
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Quoted from Seth
S P O I L E R S


JD,

You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.  


Thanks, I'm glad you was able to finish it. and be able to point some things out for me to fix!



Quoted from Seth


A fresco is a painting. One, as the dictionary says, is executed in a certain way -- on  a moist, plaster surface. This being as it is, you might want to change "fresco windows" to stained glass windows.


Thanks, I will be makes this change asap!

Quoted from Seth

Along the same lines, there are numerous grammatical mistakes. So many, in fact, that if I attempted to cite each one, it could've easily taken me hours to read your script -- you should get someone to assist you in proofreading your work.

Yes i try very hard to fix and find those. My english is bad


Quoted from Seth

The only other complaint I have is the robbery scene was, I think, drawn out. Boring. It's, I think, three pages of discriptives. Far too long.


Noted. You are not the only one, but one of few that feels it needs to be shortened.


Quoted from Seth

There are, though, many things I like about this script. As I already wrote, the structure is excellent. You've weaved all the various elements together in a way that allows the script to slowly unfold, revealing bits of info that, in the end, come together -- making for a satisfying experience.  

Along the way, questions are presented. Ones that prompt the reader to turn pages (or as the case may be, scroll down),


Thanks for noticing this.it is very hard to do that, but I have to thank feedback from everyone that has helped mold this into something.


Quoted from Seth

I especially liked the scene (the flashback) in which it's revealed how Sara's face was burned. I felt sympathetic toward her.


Thanks. Yes I am truelly happy, I was able to make you feel for Sarah cuz before hand she is a murderer, but to pursuade you to forget the bad she has done. With the "her" reasoning behind it.


Quoted from Seth

Anyway, overall, an excellent script -- well told story. Again, my only real problem is with all the grammatical errors.

Seth

  


Thanks and I owe you another feedback whenever you post something next!

a few questions?

Did you like the ending?
Could you feel/relate to a character?
The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?
Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?
Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?
Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?
Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?
Dialogue- good, decent, bad at points?

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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This includes S P O I L E R S


Quoted from JD

Did you like the ending?


I did like the ending. Some may argue, and with good reason, that the father/daughter reunion is trite, but I think it works. Also, it leaves open the possibility of a sequel.


Quoted from JD

Could you feel/relate to a character?


Of the three characters I was most concerned with, Sarah, Troy, and Hartley, I felt Hartley could have been better sketched -- perhaps more backstory.

Troy is easy to relate to. He's been accused of crimes that he didn't commit. This is a kind of universal that all of us, on some level, can relate to. Later, we find out that it is in fact his daughter who is the perpetrator. Which causes us to ask ourselves what we would do -- would we turn her in or protect her? It is this question that sees the audience connecting, on an emotional level, with Troy -- ultimately what is Troy going to do?!

Sarah's character isn't, of course, as easy to connect with -- at least not at first. This is why the scene, the one that reveals how her face was burned, is so important and, I think, moving. It was at that point that I connected with her.  


Quoted from JD

The opening church. Did you felt it to be in place or out of place? Like Just starting at the SRC versus starting in the future and working the way to the present?


It was, to me, appropriate in that it foreshadows two important elements -- 1) One, the Jesus angle (the light), and two, it puts Sarah in a confession box. It shows that she, although masked, is human -- She's struggled, and in fact, still is, struggling with her decision.

Quoted from JD

Anything happen to easy for you, that made question the "realness"?


No. But I'll probably give this a second read. When I do, I'll let you know.

Quoted from JD

Do feel that hartley and troy should fit the cliche and become something more in this story?


Good question. I'm not sure. Perhaps hint at it, leaving it open for use in a possible sequel.


Quoted from JD

Twists:excellent, good, or just another scene?

I thought everything worked well.


Quoted from JD

Does the story have the appeal for direct dvd, big screen or tv movie?


Yours is an ambitious script. One that I think would translate well to the big screen.


Quoted from JD

Dialogue- good, decent, bad at points?


It could be punched-up a bit. But I could say the same about almost every script I've read. Still, yes, you'll want to work on it.


Quoted from JD

Oh, Did you feel the new title "The Unholy Cry" fit the story? It was "T.K."


I'm not sure what T.K. means. That said, I can't really comment.

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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JD_OK
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Quoted from Seth

No. But I'll probably give this a second read. When I do, I'll let you know.


Thanks for the feedback and taking time to answer a few questions. Look forward to it


Quoted from Seth

I'm not sure what T.K. means. That said, I can't really comment.

Seth


T.K. was just the title of the script, meant 2 things, troy's name and tk is short for telekinesis. I had hoped Unholy Cry to be more catchier and drew more of a interest becuz of the title.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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Mr.Z
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So… while some think this one is nearly ready to sell, others couldn’t even finish reading the thing. How about that, huh? I’d say I’m kind in the middle.

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it’s clear that you didn’t only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.

But there some aspects it could be improved upon; I will start mentioning the main ones, with spoilers of course.

Powers

Troy and others like him have a great diversity of powers. They can choke opponents like Darth Vader, move things around like Carrie, walk on water like Jesus, levitate like Magneto, throw lightning punches, throw kicks like martial artists, make “shielding” spells like a voodoo witch, etc. That’s a lot of abilities.

Usually, the design of superhero-like characters must follow certain logic. Spiderman can jump, climb and make spider webs because that’s spiders’ natural abilities and he acquired them. His powers “make sense” because there’s a certain correlation between their nature and their source. Your characters, on the other hand, seem capable of too much.

Furthermore, if you have certain pattern that limits the hero’s powers (i.e. Magneto can only handle metals) you have more room to make your hero show some creativity in the use of them. If the hero is capable of anything, he will not have to show much effort in getting out of trouble and it will be very difficult for you to put him in trouble as well. This is what’s so cool about Magneto’s escape from prison in X-2; since his powers are limited, his opponents were able to build a prison strong enough to contain him, and he had to use his powers in a very clever way to get out (with some help, but his plan was excellent and a delight to watch).

I’d bet that Troy could kick Magneto’s ass in a fight, yet I still find Magneto more interesting for the reasons explained above.

Most people are familiar with telekinesis, that’s an angle you can work on. But “shielding”, levitating, walking on water, lightning punches, Darth chocking, etc, would be pushing too much the audience’s suspense of disbelief.

I’d suggest to try to limit the supernatural angle of this story in order to make it more focused and more believable.

Goal. Stakes. Opposition.

Watch the first 20-30 minutes (or first act) in any plot driven script and you’ll notice that usually (not always, but most times) during this bit, three things are established:

1)A goal. The protagonist must achieve something (i.e. stopping the villain’s world domination plan in a superhero film, getting the girl in a rom-com, etc).

2)Stakes. If the protagonist fails, something very bad will happen. That’s why in ’24’ Jack Bauer often risks his life to obtain things like a stupid chip, because that chip is the only clue to find the terrorists before they attack and millions of people die.

3)Opposition. Achieving the goal is not easy; there are forces working against the protagonist. If not, the movie would be quite boring (no conflict) and last no more than half an hour.

The goal, difficult to achieve, with high stakes is what defines the movie’s central conflict.

Not every movie follow this formula, but if you’re a new writer expecting to sell a plot-driven, high budget sci-fi actioner written on spec, you’d better follow it.

This is the most important line in your script: “Troy: No... there’s only one way out of this and that is to find him myself”.

It defines a protagonist (Troy).

With a clearly defined goal (find the responsible of breaking into the special research facility).

Difficult to achieve (FBI, NSA, etc, suspect he was responsible, and the real responsible is a hard catch)

And with big stakes (he could go to prison for life, or sentenced to death penalty, etc).

The problem here is that Troy says this line in page 51. You can’t make the audience wait for half a movie to establish your hero’s goal. This is Act 1 material. Don’t take more than 20-25 pages to establish your protagonist goal; it’s what gives focus to your story (everything the protagonist does in Act 2 is in order to achieve his goal). If you wait too long, the reader won’t be able to identify the central conflict, and the story will appear like just a bunch of incidents.

But there’s a bigger problem. Few pages latter, the story takes a big turn: the mime is Troy’s daughter, Troy now works for the FBI, and his goal is to help them get Dr. Zahn.

The goal has changed. The opposition is gone; instead of working against the FBI, NSA, etc, Troy works with them. And now he’s not hunting down the mime, just a man with a terminal disease (weak opponent). And what’s at stake? Troy is no longer in danger of being wrongly convicted. It seemed to me that Dr. Zhan wanted to get Troy’s powers right? What happens if he does? There are already some bad guys around there with powers (Morbid, Ackron) so no big deal if Dr. Zahn succeds. No stakes.

Once the protagonist’s goal and central conflict is established, it can’t be resolved until Act 3. And during Act 2, the conflict must get worse for the protagonist, not better. Act 2 is quicksand, the more the hero tries to get out of trouble, the more he is sucked into it. The more Marty Mc. Fly tries to make her mother fall in love with his father, the more her mother falls in love with him.

One interesting complication is hinted within the story. Troy has to capture the real criminal in order to prove his innocence, and that criminal turns out to be his daughter. Now he has a dilemma: going to jail or sending his daughter to jail. Big conflict in this decision… but this angle is quickly abandoned when you clear Troy’s name.

And I read somewhere in the thread that you consider Sarah as the protagonist, right? Maybe she’s your favorite, but IMO, this script as written right now suggests Troy as a clear protagonist, not Sarah.

(MORE)



Revision History (1 edits)
Mr.Z  -  January 11th, 2007, 3:00pm
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Mr.Z
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Small stuff.

Some additional notes I made along the way

P.1 “(Scared)”.

Don’t use parenthicals to establish emotions that are already clear in the context that the lines are spoken. You already described the priest’s “frightened face”, and he’s saying “Dear God”. It’s clear he’s scared, loose the parenthical.

You’ve got lots of these, loose them all. Unless you need to establish some kind of detail that can’t be deduced by the content of the line that is spoken by the character. Like for example:

MR.Z
(whispering)
Hi.

P.10 We meet Troy…

Man… there’s got to be a more interesting way to present your main character. I mean, Troy has quite an interesting background despite being a teacher. You can do better than a boring science class. I can imagine that Neo spent a lot of lonely and boring nights eating pizza in front of his computer… but we meet him just when Trinity hacks in and gives him a quite intriguing message.

Later in the script I found a scene you could use: when Troy gets arrested. That could be a nice introduction for him, and ordinary teacher surrounded by an army as if he was the most dangerous man alive. And it could be quite intriguing as well… if it wasn’t for the previous pages of exposition about Troy’s background.

You could work on the mystery angle a bit more. The first thing we learn about Neo is that everyone is after him (agents, Trinity, etc), then we know why. You could make the audience wonder for a while, why this teacher is so important.

P.18/19 The audience can assume that agents Hartley and Stahl jumped in a car to go wherever it was they were going. You can cut this scene.

Troy’s release hurted your story’s believability big time. So much trouble to let him go? The authorities would have noticed before the arrest that they didn’t have proof against him (if they really cared about proofs). And I assume he wasn’t released by some kind of mistake, since there were so many agencies involved and his capture was so important.

P.50/51 You’ve got a phone conversation in which you want to show the character speaking each line. Changing locations with each line is distracting. These kind of scenes must be written this way:

INT. TOM’S ROOM  - NIGHT

Tom picks up a phone and dials a number.

INT. SARAH’S ROOM - NIGHT

A phone rings, Sara picks up.

SARAH
Hello.

INTERCUT - TOM AND SARAH

TOM
Blah blah blah
          
SARAH
Blah blah blah

Another thing that bothered me a bit: Once Troy is captured (for the second time) he’s taken away guarded only by two agents. He’s the suspect of breaking alone into a military facility and killing lots of marines. I would expect more security measures in taking him into custody.

The shielding idea was structurally well worked. And early plant (with Harley) with a pay off near the end (with Dr. Zahn) and you did right in trying to come up with some kind of kryptonite (as other reader called it) for Troy. But I think that the shielding idea pushes too far the telekinetic abilities of your characters and that it surpasses the audience’s suspense of disbelief.

I liked the dark feeling that the ending had. Although at that moment I realized that the Morbid/Akron subplot was a bit pointless to the story. It gives some depth to the sequel promise you make at the end but it hasn’t any other relevant dramatic purpose. Feels like a big plant with no payoff. I’d suggest you to cut this subplot.

Nothing more to add, hope that this comments may help you with further rewrites.

Good luck.


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JD_OK
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Thank Mr. Z for your comments. Although I dont agree with most. I certainly will remember thenm among others with revisions.


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dogglebe
Posted: January 20th, 2007, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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I tried reading this again and I got to about page sixty-five.  Unlike the others, I found this to be a very poorly written script.

Most of the complaints I had from my first read still apply here:

All of your characters are two-dimensional and extremely dull.  In fact, I can't even find one character even remotely interesting.  The Mime is just silly.  Why would someone with great telekinetic abilities resort to weapons and fistfighting?  Think about it!  Did Magnetto ever pulls a weapon in the X-Men movies?  Did he ever get physical with someone?  No!  He stood at a safe distance and let his powers do everything.

Stahl and Hartley are still extremely cliche.  I don't think you did any revisions at all from your earlier drafts (though you said you did).  All your characters talk exactly the same.  Even all the security personnel in the opening scene sounded like ordinary people.  There was no military jargon spoken (shouting code six!  code six! is not  enough).  Doctor Zhan's physician did not sound like a doctor at all; his doialogue couldn't be any less believeable you you have him refer to Zhan's condition as a boo-boo.

Even though I just put the script down, I can't remember anything about Troy except that he has telekinetic powers.

Considering all the bloodshed in the opening sequence, it was extremely dull.  And again with the name 'Special Research Center.'  It sounds like a name that Stan Lee used in the early sixties.  You placed it in Washington DC, which is a very small place.  There's no room there for secret installations.  Though, given what you've written, this place is probably no bigger than a delicatessen.  Kent radioes to security that there's trouble in the back hall.  The back hall?  I take it there's a front all also....and that's it.

I mentioned the first time out that the head of security in a major facility like this would not be a lowly sargeant.  And Kent still is.

If all this started on a military installation, why would the military bring in the local police, the FBI, the NSA and every other government agency?  Why not have the military--or rather that particular branch of the military--handle all this?  The military does not have any control over these other agencies.  For any of them to work together, requires more work than "Hey, let's get him!"  I saw no chain of command in any of this; it was like reading about a bunch of dogs chasing after one ball.  Reduce everything down to the military and cut back on your characters.

On the bottom of page four, you wrote, The figure reveals himself to be THE MIME, a masked man.  He's already revealed himself on page two, remember, though he didn't identify himself in anyway.

Why do you introduce characters by their nationalities.  You have the Black Marine, an Irish man, white male, a Russian man, a Thai butler, and a man in Arab garb.  Are you racist?

I mentioned earlier that you have to trim the fat and you did get rid of some.  A big source of fat, here are all your scene headers.  In a spec script, they're only needed when the story breaks up.  You don't need to have one when a guy enters his garage and walks to his car....and when the car is in his car....and when the car is outside the garage (I made this scene up but my argument holds).  If it flows, you don't need additional headers.

I found your explanation of psionics to be very simplistic.  You have to explain it better than this.

Why would an FBI Agent have her phone number listed in the phone book?  And her cel number mentioned in her answering machine greeting?  Don't FBI agents have enemies?

An FBI Agent would not try to draw a weapon when there are four armed robbers with shotguns all around her.  She would let them rob the place in hopes of avoiding a firefight that she is heavily outnumbers.  BTW, shotguns don't shoot bullet.

Why wouldn't Kent be recuperating in a military hospital?

On page 44, you wrote Stahl saying, "Yes, but Shade fit the profile for a homeopath...  Shade fits the profile of natural medicine?  Maybe you mean sociopath?

On page 63, you wrote someone saying:  You are hooked to chemical instruments to measure your energy, and a seismograph to monitor your brain patterns when you move the objects located on the table..  Seismographs register movement in the earth's crust.  It doesn't measure brainwaves.

These are only a fraction of the problems I found here in this script.  And I'm sorry for going so Simon Cowell on your ass, but I feel as if I wasted my time reading it.  Spend less time writing and more time reseearching what you're going to write.  Don't concentrate on the visuals in a script; concentrate on characters and story.  Without these, visuals mean absolutely nothing.


Phil
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JD_OK
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Hey Mr Z, im sorry i didnt notice you editted you review and I will comment that soon ( im about to go out)

Doggle - Okay


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Quoted from JD_OK
Hey Mr Z, im sorry i didnt notice you editted you review and I will comment that soon


Just corrected a couple of typos on the same day I posted my review. There's nothing new you could comment on.



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Yea doggle my script sucks, maybe thats why im a quarter finalist on

http://www.soyouwannasellascript.com/source/competitionplacings.cfm?competitionyear=2006

Mr Z. I read your feedback again, but im curtrently drunk and I cant type for a damn. i like what you had to say. clear and pointed. agin I will reply directly soon!


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Quoted from dogglebe
This is why I hate doing review exchanges.  Don't forget, JD, that you came to me, asking to read your script.  I didn't come to you.  You wanted my opinion.  I read your script (most of it).  I didn't like it.  I found a lot of problems with it.  I posted an honest review of it.

In return, you read my script and, pretty much, commented on formatting and gramma.  To top it off, you finished your review while you were drunk.


Phil


Pia, I wasnt being rude. I never would have said "I wasted my time" on anyone script on a exchange. Granted i have reviewed some bad ones and good ones. I call out what i see and dont have a " i've wasted me time with you" stamp after im done.

Contest - In the first elimination round the initial 30 pages of the script will be read and judged. The submissions receiving the top two hundred (200) scores will proceed to the second elimination round where the entire submission will be read in total and scored based upon the same judging criteria as round one.

Format and Style
Story and Structure
Originality and Appeal
Characterization and Dialogue
As you can see, it took alil more of just format and rules.

I just said OKAy and My script sucks enough to make it quarter finals.

Phil - I got that far in reading cuz I was going out. As i stating I write things out as I go. since I didnt FINISH the story, i wont comment about the overall story and developement of character and so forth, til i have take it all in and the story whole.

Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.

I came to you for your opinion cuz You seem to be respected around here and you have shorts made/so maybe you are doing something right. But i just s feel a negative vibe which comes from you toward me. Which can we seen in your 1st response on ppage one. I just thought I was a rookie writer and what you had say was better then I knew at the time.

As time went  on, I have learned alot of things. And your respectful opinion is no longer admired by me.


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Posted: January 21st, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JD_OK




Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.


You felt like you wasted your time because Phil felt like he wasted his?  Sounds like you're critiquing out of spite.



Quoted from JD_OK
I came to you for your opinion cuz You seem to be respected around here and you have shorts made/so maybe you are doing something right. But i just s feel a negative vibe which comes from you toward me. Which can we seen in your 1st response on ppage one. I just thought I was a rookie writer and what you had say was better then I knew at the time.

As time went  on, I have learned alot of things. And your respectful opinion is no longer admired by me.


One thing you should have learned is that Phil is very honest with his criticism.  He won't judge out of anger or hatred toward a writer.  If he likes the script, hell tell and he'll tell you why.  If he doesn't like it, he'll tell you and he'll tell you why.

If you ignored his comments from the first time he reviewed your script, I can see him getting upset reading it a second time, particularly when it comes to bad characterization.  Nothing drags a story out like 2-dimensional characters.

I've read Phil's work.  He's a great story teller and he's very good at critiquing other people's work.  He doesn't just say that a script is good or bad.  

You come off as someone whose feelings are hurt because he didn't like what you wrote.
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Quoted from wonkavite


You felt like you wasted your time because Phil felt like he wasted his?  Sounds like you're critiquing out of spite.


Wrong. if you reviewing someones work exchange for yours. And they "wont" finish it. You wouldnt feel like you also wasted your time reading someones work who wont finish yours?




Quoted from wonkavite

One thing you should have learned is that Phil is very honest with his criticism.  He won't judge out of anger or hatred toward a writer.  If he likes the script, hell tell and he'll tell you why.  If he doesn't like it, he'll tell you and he'll tell you why.

If you ignored his comments from the first time he reviewed your script, I can see him getting upset reading it a second time, particularly when it comes to bad characterization.  Nothing drags a story out like 2-dimensional characters.

I've read Phil's work.  He's a great story teller and he's very good at critiquing other people's work.  He doesn't just say that a script is good or bad.  


I understand his comments.... see below


Quoted from wonkavite


You come off as someone whose feelings are hurt because he didn't like what you wrote.


Im not hurt by he didnt like it cuz he states why he doesnt like it. What pisses me off is that he said he wasted his time. That was out of line/uncalled for.


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James McClung
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Normally, I don't get involved in this kind of stuff but since you also contacted me for an exchange, I feel I might as well say something, considering you and Phil got into this mess under the same circumstances...

Perhaps Phil saying he wasted his time seems uncalled for but the fact is he read your script, told you what he didn't like and why he didn't like it. His review seemed pretty thorough to me. The only part of your argument I find justifiable is the fact that Phil didn't finish your script. On the other hand, posting a drunk review for someone else's script is pretty low to say the least.


Quoted from JD_OK
Since you didnt want to finish mine, clearly i wont finish yours. So yes that is only why I pointed on formatting and grammar. Since you felt you wasted your time. I felt i wasted my time reading yours. And yes that last line was written while drunk lastnight/this morning on your thread.


If that's what you feel you have to do, I suggest you do it. Not saying it's right or wrong, I'm simply saying if that's what you want, there's no reason to carry this argument any further.

In any case, this doesn't effect our exchange. I'll continue to read your script and post a full review as soon as I can.


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Quoted from James McClung
The only part of your argument I find justifiable is the fact that Phil didn't finish your script. On the other hand, posting a drunk review for someone else's script is pretty low to say the least.


I think people got the wrong idea. I was drunk only when I replied here last night to phils comments.

When I read and posted my partial review I was very sober. My review wasnt done cuz i hadnt finished the script. So after last of seeing he wasted his time.

I editted my last night from saying "  I will finish soon!" to

"I expected more from you. i feel like I have wasted my time..."


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Quoted from JD_OK
I think people got the wrong idea. I was drunk only when I replied here last night to phils comments.

When I read and posted my partial review I was very sober.


My mistake. Perhaps I misinterpretted something I read in a previous post.

Regardless, I think my initial post still stands.


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dogglebe
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A lot of the comments I made in my first review (from the 1st draft), apply to the second review (from the third draft).  The characters and dialogue are two dimensional.  The FBI agents are extremely cliche.  The story dragged on.  While I didn't mention it in the second review, there's too many television screens in that military briefing room.  The name of the Special Research Center sounds like something out of an old comic book.  The marine in charge of security at a military installation is only a sargeant.  The list goes on and on.

You didn't make any changes based on anything I wrote the first time.  In other words, I read the same nonsensical problems the second time that I did the first time.  Why did you value my opinionenough to ask me to read your work a second time if you disregarded what I wrote the first time.

In other words, why did I waste my time reading that script a second time?  


Phil
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Quoted from dogglebe


In other words, why did I waste my time reading that script a second time?  


Phil


Becuz, I did make alot of great changes to the story and script. The ones at the beginning i didnt agree on. So at time I felt it was okay that you didnt finish the script.

But you still did not complete the script and I understand your reasons of why to you, couldnt finish it. But dont state you wasted your time when your time isnt being wasted when My time is spent reviewing and giving feedback on your script. So there for stating you wasted your time is a insult.


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I've gotta’ say, JD, the review Phil wrote for your script is one of the larger reviews I've read of Phil's and it was a very good review in my opinion. Phil makes some pretty fine points. Sure he doesn't hold any punches back but you ain't gonna' learn anything if you don't take any notice of more experienced writers when they point out errors and mistakes in your work.

Rather than take it personally, you should be grateful to Phil, he's provided you will some decent coverage for your script and the least you can do is repay the man and read his script, like you originally promised.

Fairs fair in love and war, man!
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Quoted from Kevan
I've gotta’ say, JD, the review Phil wrote for your script is one of the larger reviews I've read of Phil's and it was a very good review in my opinion. Phil makes some pretty fine points. Sure he doesn't hold any punches back but you ain't gonna' learn anything if you don't take any notice of more experienced writers when they point out errors and mistakes in your work.

Rather than take it personally, you should be grateful to Phil, he's provided you will some decent coverage for your script and the least you can do is repay the man and read his script, like you originally promised.

Fairs fair in love and war, man!


Dood, I never said his comments werent valid/good. I did read and post partial review on his work. Point I'm making is that he insulted me, but saying he wasted his time reading. When people do a exchange.  You recieve feed back for feedback.  Tell me how getting feed back on your work by giving feedback on others gives you the pleasure in saying "I wasted my time"

Notice everyone (who havent read the script yet) jumping my ass here over Doggle "review"
So You could validly agree or disagree. He still has yet to even reply to my post on his thread, not even before he posted his feedback here.

I found tons of problems in his script but not once did I feel I needed to stop from completing this exchange like he did. He didnt finish his part of the deal and insulted me. End of story guys.


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Quoted from Mr.Z

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it�s clear that you didn�t only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.


Thanks for noticing


Quoted from Mr.Z

Powers

Troy and others like him have a great diversity of powers. They can choke opponents like Darth Vader, move things around like Carrie, walk on water like Jesus, levitate like Magneto, throw lightning punches, throw kicks like martial artists, make �shielding� spells like a voodoo witch, etc. That�s a lot of abilities.


Wow, I like you noticed all of theses, but you forgot healing, and burning


Quoted from Mr.Z

Usually, the design of superhero-like characters must follow certain logic. Spiderman can jump, climb and make spider webs because that�s spiders� natural abilities and he acquired them. His powers �make sense� because there�s a certain correlation between their nature and their source. Your characters, on the other hand, seem capable of too much.


Not necessarily. I broke up what each can do. Arkon, is able to walk on water, and turn glass back to sand with his hand.  

Troy's talents- beside "tk" (like Sarah) is Healing, stop bullets with energy, instead of usen the light for deflection, like Sarah.

Mime - Is more acrobatic, she can levitate, since she is more of a newbie to her abilities she is more spuratic on her usage or overage of her energy. She runs super fast and jumps high.

Common abilities is super strength granted by psi/adrenaline activation.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Furthermore, if you have certain pattern that limits the hero�s powers (i.e. Magneto can only handle metals) you have more room to make your hero show some creativity in the use of them. If the hero is capable of anything, he will not have to show much effort in getting out of trouble and it will be very difficult for you to put him in trouble as well. This is what�s so cool about Magneto�s escape from prison in X-2; since his powers are limited, his opponents were able to build a prison strong enough to contain him, and he had to use his powers in a very clever way to get out (with some help, but his plan was excellent and a delight to watch).


Good point for my to elaborate on. PSI IS REAL, and Im try to keep it as realistic as possible. Shielding is the counter for "tk". So like how x1 ended with magneto's capture. Exspect something like this in the sequel of a way to contain people like this.
This story is more orless about conflict between Some one who wants what they have, someone who doesnt want what they have and someone trying to stay out of it and other trying to figure it out.  Sequel is when I dont have back. I cant deliver everything just to be rehatched.



Quoted from Mr.Z


I�d bet that Troy could kick Magneto�s ass in a fight, yet I still find Magneto more interesting for the reasons explained above.


Understood.



Quoted from Mr.Z


Most people are familiar with telekinesis, that�s an angle you can work on. But �shielding�, levitating, walking on water, lightning punches, Darth chocking, etc, would be pushing too much the audience�s suspense of disbelief.

I�d suggest to try to limit the supernatural angle of this story in order to make it more focused and more believable.


Levitating, what hard to believe in this - What is to say She doesnt use TK to lift herself or even her boots like magneto does to fly in x-men.

Walking on water - Jesus did it, S what hard to believe with what is explained this isnt possible?

Lighting punches- There isnt a lightning punch. if you are reffering to sarah punch throughthe steel door into the scared marine. It is no different from The first ball of Newton's cradle ball bounces through and the outside ball flies out. Energy is just a visual of how it passes though and out to otherside.

"Darth" Choking is no different from physically strangling someone, but they use psi to do it against those who dont shield



Quoted from Mr.Z


Goal. Stakes. Opposition.

Watch the first 20-30 minutes (or first act) in any plot driven script and you�ll notice that usually (not always, but most times) during this bit, three things are established:

1)A goal. The protagonist must achieve something (i.e. stopping the villain�s world domination plan in a superhero film, getting the girl in a rom-com, etc).

2)Stakes. If the protagonist fails, something very bad will happen. That�s why in �24� Jack Bauer often risks his life to obtain things like a stupid chip, because that chip is the only clue to find the terrorists before they attack and millions of people die.

3)Opposition. Achieving the goal is not easy; there are forces working against the protagonist. If not, the movie would be quite boring (no conflict) and last no more than half an hour.

The goal, difficult to achieve, with high stakes is what defines the movie�s central conflict.

Not every movie follow this formula, but if you�re a new writer expecting to sell a plot-driven, high budget sci-fi actioner written on spec, you�d better follow it.

This is the most important line in your script: �Troy: No... there�s only one way out of this and that is to find him myself�.

It defines a protagonist (Troy).

With a clearly defined goal (find the responsible of breaking into the special research facility).

Difficult to achieve (FBI, NSA, etc, suspect he was responsible, and the real responsible is a hard catch)

And with big stakes (he could go to prison for life, or sentenced to death penalty, etc).

The problem here is that Troy says this line in page 51. You can�t make the audience wait for half a movie to establish your hero�s goal. This is Act 1 material. Don�t take more than 20-25 pages to establish your protagonist goal; it�s what gives focus to your story (everything the protagonist does in Act 2 is in order to achieve his goal). If you wait too long, the reader won�t be able to identify the central conflict, and the story will appear like just a bunch of incidents.

But there�s a bigger problem. Few pages latter, the story takes a big turn: the mime is Troy�s daughter, Troy now works for the FBI, and his goal is to help them get Dr. Zahn.

The goal has changed. The opposition is gone; instead of working against the FBI, NSA, etc, Troy works with them. And now he�s not hunting down the mime, just a man with a terminal disease (weak opponent). And what�s at stake? Troy is no longer in danger of being wrongly convicted. It seemed to me that Dr. Zhan wanted to get Troy�s powers right? What happens if he does? There are already some bad guys around there with powers (Morbid, Ackron) so no big deal if Dr. Zahn succeds. No stakes.

Once the protagonist�s goal and central conflict is established, it can�t be resolved until Act 3. And during Act 2, the conflict must get worse for the protagonist, not better. Act 2 is quicksand, the more the hero tries to get out of trouble, the more he is sucked into it. The more Marty Mc. Fly tries to make her mother fall in love with his father, the more her mother falls in love with him.

One interesting complication is hinted within the story. Troy has to capture the real criminal in order to prove his innocence, and that criminal turns out to be his daughter. Now he has a dilemma: going to jail or sending his daughter to jail. Big conflict in this decision� but this angle is quickly abandoned when you clear Troy�s name.

And I read somewhere in the thread that you consider Sarah as the protagonist, right? Maybe she�s your favorite, but IMO, this script as written right now suggests Troy as a clear protagonist, not Sarah.

(MORE)


very interestly put, but you answer you own question. Troy's new conflict is 2 things. He said " Im the only one who can stop her" He will help bring down Dr Zahn. At end of this scene Stahl says" then we know what has to be done"

So the new conflict to the choice is having to kill his murdering daughter. Which she is only getting revenge and the audience can relate to her pain. Now even in V for Vendetta killed nnocent guards just doin their jobs, does make him less of the hero for his revenge?

1st act goal for central "good guys/FBI" is to try and get the man responsible. They think they have him,but not enuff to hold.

2nd act. conflict they have the evidence they points to Troy and now the goal is to clear his name.

3rd- Conflict is now how will it end? Will Troy betray her like the mom? Will Zahn succeed? What about Arkon and Morbid? There is all those conflicts waiting to explode after the turn to help FBI.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 22nd, 2007, 6:45pm
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Quoted from Mr.Z
Small stuff.

Some additional notes I made along the way

P.1 �(Scared)�.

Don�t use parenthicals to establish emotions that are already clear in the context that the lines are spoken. You already described the priest�s �frightened face�, and he�s saying �Dear God�. It�s clear he�s scared, loose the parenthical.

good point. But i removed this beginning.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Later in the script I found a scene you could use: when Troy gets arrested. That could be a nice introduction for him, and ordinary teacher surrounded by an army as if he was the most dangerous man alive. And it could be quite intriguing as well� if it wasn�t for the previous pages of exposition about Troy�s background.

Understood. good suggestion

[quote=Mr.Z]
Troy�s release hurted your story�s believability big time. So much trouble to let him go? The authorities would have noticed before the arrest that they didn�t have proof against him (if they really cared about proofs). And I assume he wasn�t released by some kind of mistake, since there were so many agencies involved and his capture was so important.


I gotta disagree with you on that. Everyone sent was for precaution. Like why does army of police barricade one man with a guy inside a house?

Also GOV can bring anyone in for questioning. Example The Natalie Holloway case in cuba. The vandersoot guy was main suspect, brought in and released then they get more evidence and rearrest him, he friends and his dad since they had more on him to hold then later he is freed once evidence they had appeared in court wasnt enough for pretrial.


Quoted from Mr.Z


P.50/51 You�ve got a phone conversation in which you want to show the character speaking each line. Changing locations with each line is distracting. These kind of scenes must be written this way:

INT. TOM�S ROOM  - NIGHT

Tom picks up a phone and dials a number.

INT. SARAH�S ROOM - NIGHT

A phone rings, Sara picks up.

SARAH
Hello.

INTERCUT - TOM AND SARAH

TOM
Blah blah blah
          
SARAH
Blah blah blah



Valid point my friend. I prolly change to this.


Quoted from Mr.Z


Another thing that bothered me a bit: Once Troy is captured (for the second time) he�s taken away guarded only by two agents. He�s the suspect of breaking alone into a military facility and killing lots of marines. I would expect more security measures in taking him into custody.


Natually he would be,but since the dirty NSA agents are calling th shots, they dont plan for peope to be around so they can do what Zahn wants with Troy.


Quoted from Mr.Z

The shielding idea was structurally well worked. And early plant (with Harley) with a pay off near the end (with Dr. Zahn) and you did right in trying to come up with some kind of kryptonite (as other reader called it) for Troy. But I think that the shielding idea pushes too far the telekinetic abilities of your characters and that it surpasses the audience�s suspense of disbelief.


Thanks but Im not dont understand fully what you mean here? If someone is shielding it only stops for they energy passing thru them. Does stop from things directed at them.


Quoted from Mr.Z


I liked the dark feeling that the ending had. Although at that moment I realized that the Morbid/Akron subplot was a bit pointless to the story. It gives some depth to the sequel promise you make at the end but it hasn�t any other relevant dramatic purpose. Feels like a big plant with no payoff. I�d suggest you to cut this subplot.
.


This is necessary for the illusion of a greater enemy coming for them I believe it serves as a great tease for whats to come next by the end of the story.

Thanks for your good suggestions and much appreciated feedback


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 23rd, 2007, 12:32am
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Quoted from dogglebe
  The Mime is just silly.  Why would someone with great telekinetic abilities resort to weapons and fistfighting?  Think about it!  Did Magnetto ever pulls a weapon in the X-Men movies?  Did he ever get physical with someone?  No!  He stood at a safe distance and let his powers do everything.


Clearly since you didnt finish the script, Your statement is answered. The more energy they use, then make theirselves weaker. Just as if you worked out at the Gym, after loong work out u become very tired. Magneto's powers are at no limit... Thus fist fighting, weps use less enegry then break  bones and what not.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Considering all the bloodshed in the opening sequence, it was extremely dull.  And again with the name 'Special Research Center.'  It sounds like a name that Stan Lee used in the early sixties.  You placed it in Washington DC, which is a very small place.  There's no room there for secret installations.  Though, given what you've written, this place is probably no bigger than a delicatessen.  Kent radioes to security that there's trouble in the back hall.  The back hall?  I take it there's a front all also....and that's it.


More or less, this story wasnt your cup of Tea Phil. Opening is far from dull. I have had many professionals claim my openning is great/strength and starts the story off to show this reality is not  regular.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
I mentioned the first time out that the head of security in a major facility like this would not be a lowly sargeant.  And Kent still is.


Offer proof, instead of just stating.


Quoted from dogglebe
  

If all this started on a military installation, why would the military bring in the local police, the FBI, the NSA and every other government agency?  Why not have the military--or rather that particular branch of the military--handle all this?  The military does not have any control over these other agencies.  For any of them to work together, requires more work than "Hey, let's get him!"  I saw no chain of command in any of this; it was like reading about a bunch of dogs chasing after one ball.  Reduce everything down to the military and cut back on your characters.


Called Jurisdiction. It happens in DC, Troy is in another city. People killed, that one marines, but they lived else where. They want him picked up immediately. wc is 90miles away from castle minor. Dr. Zahn/NSA represent McCaine's wants for Troy.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On the bottom of page four, you wrote, The figure reveals himself to be THE MIME, a masked man.  He's already revealed himself on page two, remember, though he didn't identify himself in anyway.


Head/face isnt revealed on two. Full body is revealed on 6.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why do you introduce characters by their nationalities.  You have the Black Marine, an Irish man, white male, a Russian man, a Thai butler, and a man in Arab garb.  Are you racist?


No, what kinda remark is that? Would u like to assume you main character is certain race then what he is suppose to be? Why would a white man be dressed in arab garb? Race plays a part for charactics



Quoted from dogglebe
  
I found your explanation of psionics to be very simplistic.  You have to explain it better than this.


Its simple because IT IS SIMPLE, look up psi will ya and you will see how simple the concept is but doing it is another. Why do things have to be so complex for it to make sense?


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why would an FBI Agent have her phone number listed in the phone book?  And her cel number mentioned in her answering machine greeting?  Don't FBI agents have enemies?


Its a phone number... creditors even have those numbers...


Quoted from dogglebe
  

An FBI Agent would not try to draw a weapon when there are four armed robbers with shotguns all around her.  She would let them rob the place in hopes of avoiding a firefight that she is heavily outnumbers.  BTW, shotguns don't shoot bullet.


Yea they would. They are law in forcement. Duty is to protect people.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
Why wouldn't Kent be recuperating in a military hospital?


I explained this clearly, that he was air lifted to civilian hospital due to the nature of his wounds.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On page 44, you wrote Stahl saying, "Yes, but Shade fit the profile for a homeopath...  Shade fits the profile of natural medicine?  Maybe you mean sociopath?


Good point.


Quoted from dogglebe
  
On page 63, you wrote someone saying:  You are hooked to chemical instruments to measure your energy, and a seismograph to monitor your brain patterns when you move the objects located on the table..  Seismographs register movement in the earth's crust.  It doesn't measure brainwaves.


Good point, but It was suppose to say, to measure brain viberations instead of patterns. I will correct


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 23rd, 2007, 12:39am
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The fade in is on the wrong side, seriously man get that fixed!


A note about this war room scene. What I would have done (but this is just me) with this scene is to have many refrences to Dr. Strangelove in the scene like many questions being asked one after the other (very thorough and anal questions) for a long while and refrences to various classic lines in Dr. Strangelove. But this is just me. or maybe you were trying this with Dr. Zahn? lol the introduction of the character is identical to Dr. Strangelove. Lol whenever Dr. Zahn comes on I imagine him looking like Dr. Strangelove too!

Mr. Morbid? Lol, that sounds like the name of a spoof of a James Bond villian. This is not negatively meant. I'm just pointing it out

Page 19. Sarah's answering machine message. If you want you can add some comedy here in the outgoing message. Change it to something like "Hi, this is Sarah. I'm not home right now, but if you'll leave your name and number after you hear the beep, I'll send you your dime back. Or maybe I'll call you. Who are you, anyway? Wipe that grin off your face and speak up.". This adds to the mood of your script and adds to the character.

No need for another period after the O in (V.O)
Number your pages. This is important. I cannot stress this point too strongly! NUMBER YOUR PAGES!

An error on the bottom of page 4. Character name KENT is on the bottom page and his dialouge is in the top of page 5.

An error on bottom page 5. The headliner is on the bottom page 4 and the action is on the top page 6. It's better to have the headliner "INT. HOUSE - DAY" be at the top of a new page than at the bottom of another one. Just looks better. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.

Error on page 6. "Footsteps" is one word.

Error on page 7. "his outside check point"? First off, the sentence makes no sense. "He's outside checkpoint!" maybe? And also "Checkpoint" is one word.

Error on page 8. "Gunfire" is one word.

Format error on page 9. "They're your average, slacker type of guys; smart with a little attitude.". You can't write this in an action paragraph. Show us HOW they're slackers and/or smart with their actions and dialouge.

"You can't fight in here, this is the war room!" My thoughts immediately went to that line when i read "INT. WAR ROOM". But you might wanna add a " - DAY" there. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.

Error on bottom page 11 and top page 12. add the character's name and a "(cont'd) when the dialouge goes over to another page uninterrupted. This is a problem repeated several times in your script.

Error on page 14. "EXT. FBI BUILDING PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON" should be changed to "EXT. FBI BUILDING - PARKING LOT - DAY". Afternoon and day is the same thing. Either use DAY, NIGHT, DUSK or DAWN. And only use DUSK or DAWN when it's essenscial to the story, 'cause it's easier to start shooting at night or day in stead of having just a small time window of dusk or dawn. This is a problem which occurs several times in your script.

Page 16. Marc's first lines. "So, where's this guy?" reads better as "So, where is this guy?"

Error on page 20. Too many spaces between the "police escort troy to stahl's car." and "INT. FBI HEADQUERTERS".

Error on page 23. "The pleasure is all mine i assure you." Is supposed to be "The plesaure is all mine, I assure you.". There's almost always a comme before an "I" in the middle of a sentence.

Error on page 25. "EXT/INT. SUV - NIGHT". Suv? "CAR" would do.

Error on page 27. Don't use "pause" or "beat". In stead write in what the character does in the pause like "looks around his shoulder" or "looks at her".

Error on page 27. "Her eye's widen." That's some bad grammar dude. "Her eyes widen" is the correct phrase. "Her eye's widen" means that her eye is widen. Which just doesn't make any damn sense now does it?

Error on page 29. Please refrain from using too many of these "..." in your script. Same as with "pause" or "beat". Have some description of what she's doing during that small pause. This is an error which occurs many times in your script.

Error on page 30. "Everybody get the fuck down and don't move!!". One exclamation point will do. Two are never used. Either only one or three in special cases.

Error on page 31. "ALL OF IT!". Please refrain from using all upper case letters in a sentence. Have a "(screaming)" or "(yelling)" over it in stead.

Error on page 31. "Asshole" is one word.

This is a tierdsome proccess. I'm gonna stop my grammar and format check here. I think you get the picture. Your script needs a serious revision.

Now, despite the suprisingly huge amount of format and grammar errors i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good. My biggest grief with this script was the occasional stale dialouge. You gotta learn how to use "'re" and "'s"'s more in your dialouge and make it flow better. Other than that quite an excellent job!


When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
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Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
The fade in is on the wrong side, seriously man get that fixed! No need for another period after the O in (V.O)


Final draft does this, so it must be correct...

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock


Number your pages. This is important. I cannot stress this point too strongly! NUMBER YOUR PAGES!


They are, but see when i convert file to rtf and then to pdf for everyone to view it doesnt have the page numbers...


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

An error on the bottom of page 4. Character name KENT is on the bottom page and his dialouge is in the top of page 5.

An error on bottom page 5. The headliner is on the bottom page 4 and the action is on the top page 6. It's better to have the headliner "INT. HOUSE - DAY" be at the top of a new page than at the bottom of another one. Just looks better. This is a problem which occurs many times in your script.


Again this is becuz of the file convert. I know it not suppose to look that way. but MOST epople have have final draft so they can view my correct format.


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Error on page 6. "Footsteps" is one word.

Error on page 7. "his outside check point"? First off, the sentence makes no sense. "He's outside checkpoint!" maybe? And also "Checkpoint" is one word.

Error on page 8. "Gunfire" is one word.

occurs several times in your script.

Page 16. Marc's first lines. "So, where's this guy?" reads better as "So, where is this guy?"

Error on page 20. Too many spaces between the "police escort troy to stahl's car." and "INT. FBI HEADQUERTERS".

Error on page 23. "The pleasure is all mine i assure you." Is supposed to be "The plesaure is all mine, I assure you.". There's almost always a comme before an "I" in the middle of a sentence.
Error on page 27. "Her eye's widen." That's some bad grammar dude. "Her eyes widen" is the correct phrase. "Her eye's widen" means that her eye is widen. Which just doesn't make any damn sense now does it?

Thanks for spotting those. Hence corrected...


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Error on page 27. Don't use "pause" or "beat". In stead write in what the character does in the pause like "looks around his shoulder" or "looks at her".


No these are fine... I dont use them Alot just a few times.




Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock

Now, despite the suprisingly huge amount of format and grammar errors i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good. My biggest grief with this script was the occasional stale dialouge. You gotta learn how to use "'re" and "'s"'s more in your dialouge and make it flow better. Other than that quite an excellent job!


Re's? and S's? Thanks for read... but how do i know you actually read past page 31 and you kind just said what others said in reviews? ;0)



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it ended on some sort of a promise on a follow up tv show. I dunno! I don't do that, you just gonna have to trust me.

But it doens't really matter how many times you use beat or pause. Writing what the chartacter is doing in stead just reads better is all.


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But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
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Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
it ended on some sort of a promise on a follow up tv show. I dunno! I don't do that, you just gonna have to trust me.

But it doens't really matter how many times you use beat or pause. Writing what the chartacter is doing in stead just reads better is all.


I see where you are coming from.

*******UPDATE******

hey I wanted to say thank you to everyone once again! Becuz of great feedback, I found out today, that this script (formerly T.K.)  made top 32 (quarter finals) out of 783 entries to sellascript.com


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 25th, 2007, 3:10am
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Decided to just finish this up in a single sitting...


pg. 15 – A picture of Jesus beside the "she’s just asleep girl." Huh?

pg. 21 – Why does Troy, I assume, choke Stahl? He’s in an interrogation room. Wouldn’t he be trying to avoid suspicion?

- I think Troy might be getting off a little too easy. He has a tattoo on his arm tracing him to the Psiom project. Maybe that’s not enough evidence, exactly, but the fact that he's the only one linked to the Psiom project is considerably suspicious. I don’t think these guys, especially Zahn, would be so quick to release him. Maybe if Zahn made an attempt to reveal his powers or perhaps simply another line of questioning would do the trick. I mean, they gotta do something. Troy basically walks.

Pg. 26 – Morbid wouldn’t be able to use a cell phone on the plane. It disrupts the plane’s signals. Have him use one of the plane's phones.

- Why would Heartly pull a gun on four armed men? This is just ludicrous. I’m sure the FBI trained her otherwise. Besides, Troy's the one who gets them out of this mess. Whether or not Heartly decides to act makes little difference. I think it'd just sit better with people if she didn't act.

pg. 33 – Shotguns shoot shells, not bullets.

pg. 37 – It doesn’t make sense that they would keep the Psi files on paper. I’m thinking something computer related.

- Shielding is too simple. It almost renders Troy's powers useless. Perhaps if it were a little more difficult...

pg. 51 – Why does the Mime shoot Brown in the legs? He gets shot in the head only a moment later.

pg. 89 – I don’t understand why the scared marine’s body explodes. It was cool, don't get me wrong. I just don't get it.

pg. 92 – Lose the FADE TO BLACK.

This was a generally good read but not excellent and it could be excellent. The plot is original, the action is well written and exciting, and the visuals are cool. Nevertheless, the character department is in need of work. Big time!

I thought Troy was a poor character. He has no personality and almost no development at all. We get his life story but it's literally read off a screen, which is a cheap form of development. Not to mention none of this information is of any consequence.

The other characters were just as bland. You need to give each of them an individual personality and, at least, some backstory. Sarah is the only exception IMO. I found her character interesting, unique, and just about the only one with any real development.

You also have a serious lack of antagonist. There are three of them (Zahn, Arkon, and Morbid) yet their presence in the script is severely downplayed. Seriously. I barely understood the Arkon/Morbid subplot at all. You may as well not have included them, especially since there is no closure to the subplot.

In the third act, you make Zahn up to be the main antagonist. If this is the case, you need to expand his role. There needs to be an antagonist consistent throughout the story. As of now, you don't have that.

All in all, a decent read but it needs some work. I think after you beef up the characters, you'll be in excellent shape.


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Quoted from James McClung

pg. 15 � A picture of Jesus beside the "she�s just asleep girl." Huh?


You would have to know alittle bit of the bible stories to get this, Where a poor man's daughter is dead and people gather to Jesus to help her. He comes to their home and states, she is not dead, but sleeping, he heals her and she is awakend once again.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 21 � Why does Troy, I assume, choke Stahl? He�s in an interrogation room. Wouldn�t he be trying to avoid suspicion?


Exactly, that is why, Stahl is smacking on gum, so we don't know if Troy did it or choking on the gum.


Quoted from James McClung

- I think Troy might be getting off a little too easy. He has a tattoo on his arm tracing him to the Psiom project. Maybe that�s not enough evidence, exactly, but the fact that he's the only one linked to the Psiom project is considerably suspicious. I don�t think these guys, especially Zahn, would be so quick to release him. Maybe if Zahn made an attempt to reveal his powers or perhaps simply another line of questioning would do the trick. I mean, they gotta do something. Troy basically walks.


This is part of Dr. Zahn's plan, he doesnt really care who did it, but he wnts Troy framed for it. The file is from Dr. Zahn's files at SPR, there isnt any other record of it. helets Troy go so he can "show troy in action" at the bar for staging the robbery. his is how he gets the backing to fully do what he needs to capture Troy.


Quoted from James McClung

Pg. 26 � Morbid wouldn�t be able to use a cell phone on the plane. It disrupts the plane�s signals. Have him use one of the plane's phones.


Most people dont turn off thier cell phones, and Morbid being the man that he is, doesnt use it the phone, but opens it to read his text message.


Quoted from James McClung


- Why would Heartly pull a gun on four armed men? This is just ludicrous. I�m sure the FBI trained her otherwise. Besides, Troy's the one who gets them out of this mess. Whether or not Heartly decides to act makes little difference. I think it'd just sit better with people if she didn't act.


Becuz she feels she has got the dropp on one of them and now uses him as a shield. But soon fails when the Jamaican gets the drop on her.

Quoted from James McClung

pg. 33 � Shotguns shoot shells, not bullets.


Thanks, i will change this


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 37 � It doesn�t make sense that they would keep the Psi files on paper. I�m thinking something computer related.


This is answered earlier by Rallins, or wait I think I cut this part out lol. It use to be longer scene in war room, he stated everything has a paper trail b4 entered into computer main frames... maybe I should bring this back.


Quoted from James McClung

- Shielding is too simple. It almost renders Troy's powers useless. Perhaps if it were a little more difficult...


No, it simple just no1 knows about it or does it. You never said you not going to let anyone's bad attitude affect your day? Works on same principle. It doesnt kill the power, it just doesnt let them enter psi into their body. Which would leads to better things when people come after them who know about shielding.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 51 � Why does the Mime shoot Brown in the legs? He gets shot in the head only a moment later.


Just makes it more like an execution.


Quoted from James McClung

pg. 89 � I don�t understand why the scared marine�s body explodes. It was cool, don't get me wrong. I just don't get it.


its work on the same principle of the Newton's Cradle. Her fist (first ball) hits the door, (energy passing through the balls) and his body explodes from the impact of the energy ( last ball flying out)




Quoted from James McClung

This was a generally good read but not excellent and it could be excellent. The plot is original, the action is well written and exciting, and the visuals are cool. Nevertheless, the character department is in need of work. Big time!


I agre, and your not only one to state this, My next draft will fix this problem!


Quoted from James McClung


The other characters were just as bland. You need to give each of them an individual personality and, at least, some backstory. Sarah is the only exception IMO. I found her character interesting, unique, and just about the only one with any real development.


I see where you are coming from.


Quoted from James McClung

You also have a serious lack of antagonist. There are three of them (Zahn, Arkon, and Morbid) yet their presence in the script is severely downplayed. Seriously. I barely understood the Arkon/Morbid subplot at all. You may as well not have included them, especially since there is no closure to the subplot.


Arkon and Morbid, are no different from the marovinji in matrix which he doent come into full play into part 3 of matrix. But is revelant in reloaded


Quoted from James McClung

In the third act, you make Zahn up to be the main antagonist. If this is the case, you need to expand his role. There needs to be an antagonist consistent throughout the story. As of now, you don't have that.


I see where you are coming from, but this is part of the twists and turns I set in motion.


Quoted from James McClung

All in all, a decent read but it needs some work. I think after you beef up the characters, you'll be in excellent shape.


Thanks for the read and I will make the necessary changes soon enough! And a new better title


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  January 25th, 2007, 10:15pm
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Seth
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Quoted from JD_OK


*******UPDATE******

hey I wanted to say thank you to everyone once again! Becuz of great feedback, I found out today, that this script (formerly T.K.)  made top 32 (quarter finals) out of 783 entries to sellascript.com


JD,

It's obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into this script -- nice to see it paying off. Congrats!

Seth  


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Quoted from Seth


JD,

It's obvious that you've put a lot of time and effort into this script -- nice to see it paying off. Congrats!

Seth  


Thanks again Seth!


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blackwrite
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This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this. There is one problem, though, that would make this a difficult sell.
Basic grammar errors, things like "it's" for "its" ..."which" when it should be "who" etc.

I'm also wondering about your action sequences. Breaking down action into small paragraphs is just the way the book says you're supposed to do, but I've just finished reading the script "Smoking Aces" and they seem to do it more professionally. Look at page 39 of the script at the bottom where the Tremors take  out the bail bondsmen.

This script is on the SimplyScripts front page.

The action is done in six line paragraphs which to me looks better and reads fuller.

Getting back to grammar. "its" is possive, and it's always "who" not "which" when you're talking about people.

One other observation: Is the Mime a superhero? If not, he just seems to me to be too unbelievable. Nobody takes out nine seals. I'd be careful with that kind of thing.

ricland
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Quoted from blackwrite
This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this. There is one problem, though, that would make this a difficult sell.
Basic grammar errors, things like "it's" for "its" ..."which" when it should be "who" etc.


Thanks, hopefully I make it to finals on sellascript.com! Find out tomorrow if I make semi finals. I will go back thru it soon with those minor corrections!


Quoted from blackwrite

I'm also wondering about your action sequences. Breaking down action into small paragraphs is just the way the book says you're supposed to do, but I've just finished reading the script "Smoking Aces" and they seem to do it more professionally. Look at page 39 of the script at the bottom where the Tremors take  out the bail bondsmen.

This script is on the SimplyScripts front page.

The action is done in six line paragraphs which to me looks better and reads fuller.

Ill look at this. You can't compare to a shooting script and also to the fact he can write whatever he wants, cuz he is directing it. His action should be broke up yet its more then 5 lines rules, and have speech in action part. Not something to like for us amatuers


Quoted from blackwrite


One other observation: Is the Mime a superhero? If not, he just seems to me to be too unbelievable. Nobody takes out nine seals. I'd be careful with that kind of thing.

ricland


You could say that yes, but this is my version of an anti hero R rated story. I  take it you didnt finish to find the answer to super hero question? Anywho thanks for the feedback!


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JD_OK  -  January 31st, 2007, 1:09pm
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UPDATE*******************

I made it into SEMI FINALS, wish me luck for finals!

http://www.soyouwannasellascript.com/source/competitionplacings.cfm?competitionyear=200

*************************

Third draft is up, with changes from great feedback!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  February 8th, 2007, 7:34pm
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Steve-Dave
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I'm halfway through. Here are my thoughts so far.

SPOILERS......................................................................................................................................................................

I still like "T.K" better.

The smoke and blood coming out of the guy's neck was cool.

I really like the beginning scene with Troy and Morbid. It gives Morbid more of a purpose and a bigger role in this, and sets up more possibilities forthe mime later on.

However, I don't really like the pacing of the first act. The scene with hartley and Hynek I like, but don't think it really works intercut piece by piece throughout the whole thing. How 'bout just putting it in intercutting it when the war room stuff. Or have it in it's entirity later, when it falls more appropriately on the timeline. I'm not sure exactly when the scene's supposed to come in now since I'm not completely through. But just think it needs to be a complete scene.

I aslo didn't like Johna's scene, or Troy in the hospital, or the gangsters beating on the kid. How 'bout just having Troy left for dead and Morbid getting away, and then cutting to the mime's stuff years later? And I also liked the full scene you had before with the mime with the gaurds talking with eachother before the mime stuff went down, in here you just get right into the action too quickly I think.

I like the look of the mime more now. The white light was a nice touch.

I also like the new additions of Morbid trying to stop those who abuse the power, and traveling energy of the Newton's cradle, and the speech with Hynek on the monkey situation, and being able to manifest what you want, and tying it all in with the bible and Jesus.

Did you punch up the dialogue between Troy and Stahl in this, cuz it's a lot better than I remember it. A LOT better and it's pretty humorous.

Yeah, but you did a great job with the first act in this. That was the weakest part of the last version. Aside from the three scenes I mentioned that I didn't like and the pacing, the is a big step up.

pg 9 - Hynek saying "she at it...and it was good" I think he should say "and she liked it" instead. "and it was good" just sounds like he's reading the monkey's mind or something.

top pg 34 - "...what your talking about" should be YOU'RE.

pg 49 - Hynek's referred to as Henry.

When the kids run to Troy's class, you say they trout when it should be trot

bottom pg 53 - period needed after O.S(.)

pg 58 - Should be (AN) empty bed.

pg 60 - "The mimes throws a punch"

pg 78 - "Hartley sits next to Stahl are on computer. "

pg 82 - Again, no period after O.S. and again bottom pg 94

The scenes where Sarah tries for the cab and going to the cemetary could probably be lost too, as she just stole a car anyways, and it'd be better to just take it from the cellar where Troy wakes up and finds Sarah.

You say Duncan undresses, but how much? Why not just say something specific. ie, unbuckles pants, takes off belt, etc.

pg 93 - MORBID - "Whoso sheddeth..."

How 'bout an encounter with Morbid instead? Troy could handle Zahn, and then come up on Sarah, right after Morbid kills her and tends to her and then she comes back to life.

You've bounc around from O.C. to O.S. quite a bit.

Morbid seems a little long winded at times.

pg 100 - You say pictures of Sarah/Mime, but which one. Is she herself or have the mask on?

Final thoughts, a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool. Aside from the scenes I think you could cut out, and putting Hartley's conversation with Hynek where it should be and just intercutting it with SArah and Troy in the cellar, and I think you could trim a little from both morbid's monologues and hynek's. But all in all I think this was really good. Everything was improved, and it flowed nicely, but I think it could flow better still and you could probably get it down to 90-95 pages. A lot of trimming I think is all you need to make this perfect. Good job.





"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Steve-Dave  -  February 8th, 2007, 12:18am
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Quoted from Steve-Dave

I still like "T.K" better.

=p


Quoted from Steve-Dave

The smoke and blood coming out of the guy's neck was cool.

Glad you liked!


Quoted from Steve-Dave

I really like the beginning scene with Troy and Morbid. It gives Morbid more of a purpose and a bigger role in this, and sets up more possibilities forthe mime later on.

Thanks, changes were made from good feedback


Quoted from Steve-Dave

However, I don't really like the pacing of the first act. The scene with hartley and Hynek I like, but don't think it really works intercut piece by piece throughout the whole thing. How 'bout just putting it in intercutting it when the war room stuff. Or have it in it's entirity later, when it falls more appropriately on the timeline. I'm not sure exactly when the scene's supposed to come in now since I'm not completely through. But just think it needs to be a complete scene.


I would like to, but Hynek's scenes take up total of 8 or 9 pages. to deliver all at once, would be to much.

By the end did you feel the scenes in hynek was places right til it came to its end?

Quoted from Steve-Dave


I aslo didn't like Johna's scene, or Troy in the hospital, or the gangsters beating on the kid. How 'bout just having Troy left for dead and Morbid getting away, and then cutting to the mime's stuff years later? And I also liked the full scene you had before with the mime with the gaurds talking with eachother before the mime stuff went down, in here you just get right into the action too quickly I think.


This scenes are for character development since I didnt have anyt of these for troy in previous version. Show how he is tormented by fall of his team, his gift and alchoholabuse. This is also the subtle mention of Sarah


Quoted from Steve-Dave

I like the look of the mime more now. The white light was a nice touch.


Thanks I didnt want to be compared to V's mask anymore


Quoted from Steve-Dave

I also like the new additions of Morbid trying to stop those who abuse the power, and traveling energy of the Newton's cradle, and the speech with Hynek on the monkey situation, and being able to manifest what you want, and tying it all in with the bible and Jesus.


Great! Did they make it seem more deeper then the previous draft? I mean if you saw this,you would believe in it? Kinda like when u watched matrix 1st time you might think " maybe we live in a matrix" That kinda of deepness?


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Did you punch up the dialogue between Troy and Stahl in this, cuz it's a lot better than I remember it. A LOT better and it's pretty humorous.


Excellent, did stahl come off better then previous?less of a mouth piece ? identifiable?


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Yeah, but you did a great job with the first act in this. That was the weakest part of the last version. Aside from the three scenes I mentioned that I didn't like and the pacing, the is a big step up.


Thanks for voicing this. It is what Im trying to accomplish.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

top pg 34 - "...what your talking about" should be YOU'RE.
pg 49 - Hynek's referred to as Henry.
When the kids run to Troy's class, you say they trout when it should be trot

bottom pg 53 - period needed after O.S(.)

pg 58 - Should be (AN) empty bed.

pg 60 - "The mimes throws a punch"

pg 78 - "Hartley sits next to Stahl are on computer. "

pg 82 - Again, no period after O.S. and again bottom pg 94



Thanks for pointing out these typos!

Quoted from Steve-Dave

The scenes where Sarah tries for the cab and going to the cemetary could probably be lost too, as she just stole a car anyways, and it'd be better to just take it from the cellar where Troy wakes up and finds Sarah.


Noted.Ill see what others think.
This scene is show she has a life andhow it i lived, character.guys lookat her with disgust. and show she is suffering from a lost mother.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 93 - MORBID - "Whoso sheddeth..."

This word is spelled correct.. its an old word. means whoever


Quoted from Steve-Dave

How 'bout an encounter with Morbid instead? Troy could handle Zahn, and then come up on Sarah, right after Morbid kills her and tends to her and then she comes back to life.


I need to limit the fight scenes so they arent redundent. They is part o morbids develoment. he realizes he has sinned, in doing pior things under arkon. So he wishes to die.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Morbid seems a little long winded at times.

Yea, I prolly cut a few of the lines.

Did any not work for you? was he character dialog good?


Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 100 - You say pictures of Sarah/Mime, but which one. Is she herself or have the mask on?

Yes. she is masked in one pic and not in the other. I think I will change an aspect and maybe has Troy take afew her burn marks. You think that would work good?


Quoted from Steve-Dave

Final thoughts, a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool. Aside from the scenes I think you could cut out, and putting Hartley's conversation with Hynek where it should be and just intercutting it with SArah and Troy in the cellar, and I think you could trim a little from both morbid's monologues and hynek's. But all in all I think this was really good. Everything was improved, and it flowed nicely, but I think it could flow better still and you could probably get it down to 90-95 pages. A lot of trimming I think is all you need to make this perfect. Good job.


Again thanks for the read!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Quoted from JD_OK
Great! Did they make it seem more deeper then the previous draft? I mean if you saw this,you would believe in it? Kinda like when u watched matrix 1st time you might think " maybe we live in a matrix" That kinda of deepness?


Yeah, it just added a lot more aspects that psi could actually be achieved.


Quoted from JD_OK
Excellent, did stahl come off better then previous?less of a mouth piece ? identifiable?


I liked Stahl a lot better in here. He was more enjoyable to read. He had more personality, and was more of his own person. Rather than just kinda being the cop in the background who's only there to save Hartley in the end.


Quoted from JD_OK
I need to limit the fight scenes so they arent redundent. They is part o morbids develoment. he realizes he has sinned, in doing pior things under arkon. So he wishes to die.


Eh, I think it's actually more redundant to have Troy fighting her. They already faught for one, plus I think him putting a gun to her head and trying to kill his own daughter is the wrong way to approach it. Troy should be more of the hero role, and just incapacitate or have a psi encounter with Zahn, and Morbid should have the fight sequence with Sarah. But just my opinion. I would've liked to see that a lot more.


Quoted from JD_OK
Did any not work for you? was he character dialog good?


Yeah, his dialogue was good. He just kept goig on and on and on, especially towards the end. His last two rants I wanna say went like that, but definitely the one when he killed Sarah.


Quoted from JD_OK
Yes. she is masked in one pic and not in the other. I think I will change an aspect and maybe has Troy take afew her burn marks. You think that would work good?


Yeah, sounds good.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Quoted from Steve-Dave



Eh, I think it's actually more redundant to have Troy fighting her. They already faught for one, plus I think him putting a gun to her head and trying to kill his own daughter is the wrong way to approach it. Troy should be more of the hero role, and just incapacitate or have a psi encounter with Zahn, and Morbid should have the fight sequence with Sarah. But just my opinion. I would've liked to see that a lot more.


Actually. You are right. I'm gonna change its to, Morbid faces off against them instead.
To give the climax more of a bang.

Thanks again


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The new fight scene is pretty bad @$$. Much much better than it was! Go over it again though, cuz a lot of the description had misspellings, and other mistakes. But yeah, great addition.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
The new fight scene is pretty bad @$$. Much much better than it was! Go over it again though, cuz a lot of the description had misspellings, and other mistakes. But yeah, great addition.


Thanks! I found those typos and have corrected them! And thank you for telling me to change the fight


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tonkatough
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Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.

the scenes where fragmented but this worked quite well as it kept me on my toes.

The action scenes had more action and emphasized the reality defying effects of psi so much better.

But probably the most interesting new development to your script is the theories. The monkey eating melons idea is a blast and very well used in story with the montage. Everything has a shared consicnece. yeah sure whatever, hard to swallow but at the same time it is fascinatingl.

Linking the psi to Jesus and God made me smile. That is really flexing your creativity. I'm glad you did do this rather then just fall back on human evolution that has been done to death already with X-men, Akira and recently the Heroes TV series.  It was worth reading your script for that theory alone.

When you think about it, it kind of creates a cool irony how all them poor witches that where burned at the stake cause they had the "power of Satan" in them, when in actually fact the witches where using the power of Psi- the same Psi that the good lord Jesus controlled.  heh, heh, heh. Love irony.  

But the one thing that has got me scratching my head is why didn't you just write this story in the first place? Why did you do it three drafts later.  I dunno, but maybe if you did an outline first and brain stormed all your ideas and selected the best ones first, then you would have saved a lot of time and wouldn't have to write your script three times. that's how I would do it anyway.

So okay now that you have massaged this script into a great story are you going to move on and start another one? I am curious to see what else you can do.    


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silent0saint
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The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent, i enjoyed it even though i only got to page 15 lol, good work , and also by the previous comments i'd say so did alot of other people
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Quoted from silent0saint
The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent, i enjoyed it even though i only got to page 15 lol, good work , and also by the previous comments i'd say so did alot of other people



Thanks, actually around page 15 when stuff really gets interesting!


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Quoted from tonkatough
Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.


Thanks, Im glad I was able to keep your attention this time then from the previos draft. And you was right about having others like him, be after him.


Quoted from tonkatough

the scenes where fragmented but this worked quite well as it kept me on my toes.


Great! How about the pacing? Sryknows felt I should drop the, hohna and troy, gangsters and troy/zahn hospital scenes. How do you feel about those scenes?


Quoted from tonkatough

The action scenes had more action and emphasized the reality defying effects of psi so much better.


I owe this to the feedbackers wanting more in depth action.


Quoted from tonkatough

But probably the most interesting new development to your script is the theories. The monkey eating melons idea is a blast and very well used in story with the montage. Everything has a shared consicnece. yeah sure whatever, hard to swallow but at the same time it is fascinatingl.


Great that is why I was aiming. But yes I didnt make anything up, these are all real theories. If you break humans down further, you will know we are atoms,atoms consist of electrons and neutrons.We are all the same under the flesh.


Quoted from tonkatough

Linking the psi to Jesus and God made me smile. That is really flexing your creativity. I'm glad you did do this rather then just fall back on human evolution that has been done to death already with X-men, Akira and recently the Heroes TV series.  It was worth reading your script for that theory alone.


This was my original theme/original. I just didnt flesh it out as i needed to in prior drafts


Quoted from tonkatough

When you think about it, it kind of creates a cool irony how all them poor witches that where burned at the stake cause they had the "power of Satan" in them, when in actually fact the witches where using the power of Psi- the same Psi that the good lord Jesus controlled.  heh, heh, heh. Love irony.  

[quote=tonkatough]
But the one thing that has got me scratching my head is why didn't you just write this story in the first place? Why did you do it three drafts later.  I dunno, but maybe if you did an outline first and brain stormed all your ideas and selected the best ones first, then you would have saved a lot of time and wouldn't have to write your script three times. that's how I would do it anyway.


I honestly, didnt have these theories, or more in depth settings when i 1st laid out the story. over the last 6months of diggin deeper and great feedback. I was able to achieve the deepness this needed


Quoted from tonkatough

So okay now that you have massaged this script into a great story are you going to move on and start another one? I am curious to see what else you can do.    


I have 2 scripts I have lines up to make.one a thiller and the other a comedy. It will be couple months tho b4 I have new one up.

I look forward to trying to branch off to another genre aswell. Thanks for the exhange!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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TAnthony
Posted: February 13th, 2007, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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I didn’t read any of the previous comments and I don’t remember too much from the first time I read this, so there might be some repeats.

First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don’t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.

SPOILERS------------------------------------

I really like how you decided to start this one out! – Did you come up with the smoke coming out of the guy’s neck while he smokes? That’s cool as hell.

I’m not sure if you handled the montage right. I don’t think all the militants dying stands as a montage or all the monkeys and experiments.

The psi attacks are much cooler in this new draft. Morbid and Troy’s fights were awesome.

“Dr. Zahn(47), an intelligent man…” how do we know he is intelligent?

I think you should eliminate the dream that Troy has of Morbid. It’s obvious he’s distraught over all that stuff. Don’t think it’s needed.

Would Hynek be the type of person to say, “freaked out”?

On page 28 I wouldn’t show Stahl and Hartley get inside the car.

On the same page you have afternoon on the slugline. A lot of people have been telling me to just put day or night on scene headings.

I love the way Morbid speaks, pretty cool.

Pg. 32 “You don’t want to hurt your lover….” That line is hilarious. I was laughing so hard. You’ve really made the interrogation scene work.

On page 40 you might as well say how many rounds were fired into the air.

On page 41 I didn’t really like the line, “If anyone tries to be a hero, everyone dies!” Used too much in movies.

On page 43, “You can’t away a crime scene.”

Why would the quick sand make a CRACK noise?

Morbid is so tight dude. He is an awesome baddie.

Also good how Sarah killed Troy’s team.

Page 94, Sirens “well” – Sirens “wail”

I especially like how this one ends with the V.O. and everything. Cool. Sequel should be interesting. This is definitely one of my favs.

Also, like the new title.

Good Luck!

EDIT: I read your latest post in my Mayhem thread and now I'm curious, what movies are books or whatever inspired this?


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JD_OK
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Quoted from TAnthony

First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don�t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.


That is what I'm looking for, for people who read it b4, and compare how the new draft felt to them versus the old. I'm glad was able to deliver for you.


Quoted from TAnthony

I really like how you decided to start this one out! � Did you come up with the smoke coming out of the guy�s neck while he smokes? That�s cool as hell.


Great! Yes, it just came to me... I had to think of news ways for the actions so its doesnt repeat itself down the road.


Quoted from TAnthony

I�m not sure if you handled the montage right. I don�t think all the militants dying stands as a montage or all the monkeys and experiments.


I might be wrong, but the montage is there so i dont have to take up unecessary spce flippin back and worth with INT/EXT.


Quoted from TAnthony

The psi attacks are much cooler in this new draft. Morbid and Troy�s fights were awesome.


Glad they made a impression on you to list it!


Quoted from TAnthony

�Dr. Zahn(47), an intelligent man�� how do we know he is intelligent?


Yea are right, I have over looked that statement. It has been there since my 1st draft. Great find! Will fix


Quoted from TAnthony

I think you should eliminate the dream that Troy has of Morbid. It�s obvious he�s distraught over all that stuff. Don�t think it�s needed.


Noted. I only put it there so the audience is for to know these words mean alot to him, since he wont use his powers to hurt and o save anyone...

So I will ask do some checking with others.


Quoted from TAnthony

Would Hynek be the type of person to say, �freaked out�?


Good one again. I will change this word



Quoted from TAnthony

On the same page you have afternoon on the slugline. A lot of people have been telling me to just put day or night on scene headings.


Good find, I thought i had removed all of those.


Quoted from TAnthony

I love the way Morbid speaks, pretty cool.


Thanks,  I really wanted to amp him up. Glad you took notice


Quoted from TAnthony

Pg. 32 �You don�t want to hurt your lover�.� That line is hilarious. I was laughing so hard. You�ve really made the interrogation scene work.


Sweet, yea i laughed hard to myself when i came up with it! I was like "golden"


Quoted from TAnthony

On page 40 you might as well say how many rounds were fired into the air.


noted


Quoted from TAnthony

On page 41 I didn�t really like the line, �If anyone tries to be a hero, everyone dies!� Used too much in movies.


Good point


Quoted from TAnthony

On page 43, �You can�t away a crime scene.�


It is meant to say that. mean like you cany shew/brush


Quoted from TAnthony

Why would the quick sand make a CRACK noise?


In my head, boads are under the sands which the secret place is. so over time, he stes on the right place where it was weak. the sand fell in, brining him with it.


Quoted from TAnthony

Morbid is so tight dude. He is an awesome baddie.


Then I did my job!


Quoted from TAnthony

Also good how Sarah killed Troy�s team.

You mean morbiddid in the beginning?


Quoted from TAnthony

Page 94, Sirens �well� � Sirens �wail�


Excellent catch, will fix


Quoted from TAnthony

I especially like how this one ends with the V.O. and everything. Cool. Sequel should be interesting. This is definitely one of my favs.

Also, like the new title.


Thanks man for the review, I'm be here whenever you need one. And thanks for commenting about the Title... Did you feel itsays alil something about themovie and makes sense after the read?


Quoted from TAnthony

EDIT: I read your latest post in my Mayhem thread and now I'm curious, what movies are books or whatever inspired this?


Well I grow up watching last dragon countless times and I have on my computer lol to watch" When i say who's the masta... you say Sno'nuff...."
The glow from this movie I REALLy liked, and was never again used in any movie.
No book or movie inpired my story. The  studied  PSI for awhile when i was 20 and readand talked to people who "say" they could do it. Years later, i was just sitting around thinking how movies are sucking and sucking,. That I had seen enough and could make a good story.
I knew I wanted to use the glow to add for visual to the story, but I had to come up with a good reason so it isnt a rip from last dragon. Lord and behold.. Jesus the miracle

2years and drafts later here I am!



Questions*************

How was the dialogue overall?

Did the theories make sense to you? You think it gave it more depth to the story?

Do you feel hosipital scene with troy and zahn/ Johna and troy/gangters and troy, could be left out?

Did you like the numnchuck action?

Was anything confusing at any point?

Pacing at beginning slow?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  February 15th, 2007, 2:12am
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Death Monkey
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I'm sorry I haven't read more than a few pages but I just wanted to point out a very important mis-spelled word. Normally I wouldn't comment on spelling but you consistently call the adversaries on page 2 and 3 "ARMED GORILLA MILITANTS" when it should be "GUERRILLA MILITANTS". It's a very glaring mistake and also the word "armed gorilla militant" connotes something else entirely, like a bunch of huge apes fireing rifles and rocket launchers!

I checked the other pages and I don't think it has been mentioned.

Sorry, but it's really a distraction and I just wanted to point it out as it's an easy fix.


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Quoted from Death Monkey
"ARMED GORILLA MILITANTS" when it should be "GUERRILLA MILITANTS".


Thank you very much, i wasnt aware there wasnt a different spelling for it, and you are VERY correct. I will fix this!


UPDATE**********************

I didn't make into finals, buts its okay I know why. I sent earlier draft before december 11th, filled with problems lol. So I know next one I enter, I (hopefully) do better with this new improved draft. Thanks again everyone!


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IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  February 14th, 2007, 7:04pm
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Quoted from JD_OK

How was the dialogue overall?


I thought it was great except every once in a while there might've been a cliche statement or too, but overall I liked.


Quoted from JD_OK

Did the theories make sense to you? You think it gave it more depth to the story?


Yeah they made sense, but I don't know if it added anymore depth. Some of it felt a little hokey, but then again the story is a fantasy.


Quoted from JD_OK

Do you feel hosipital scene with troy and zahn/ Johna and troy/gangters and troy, could be left out?


I'm pretty sure you didn't have those scenes in previous drafts and I think the addition of them strengthened the script.


Quoted from JD_OK

Did you like the numnchuck action?


Yeah I thougtht hat was especially cool.


Quoted from JD_OK

Was anything confusioning at any point?


Nope.


Quoted from JD_OK
Pacing at beginning slow?


No! Definitely not. The pacing in the middle slowed down sometimes, but definitely not the beginning.

Good Luck



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Review -

Pg 1: You have “Int. Professor Hyneck – Day” You cannot be inside a professor, so do you mean, inside his home or work place? Also, instead of writing “mid eastern man” you should put “Middle Eastern man”
Pg 2: you don’t need the comma after the word “say” it flows better without it.
Pg 3: “wears *a* black seal uniform”; “binoculars” with an “s” ; white male does not need to be capitalized ; the positioning of  TROY’s dialogue at the end of the page is positioned a bit oddly. Not sure if you should just put it on the next page, add the word “more” in parenthesis, or just leave it like that.
Pg6: What do you mean by his head collapses? Are you stating that his head has been decapitated? Or that he has collapsed on the floor? It’s a bit unclear. ; not sure about the word “montage” being inserted into the title. I’ve seen it being place *after* the title. Can someone clear this up? Can it go both ways?
Pg 8 – Japan should be capitalized; again, should DR. ZHAN be itself at the end of the page?
Pg 10 – Nearing the end of page 10 and I’m not exactly sure what this script is about…There is a lot of stuff going on, and I can make sense of certain scenes, but as a whole, I’m getting lost.

Okay, I’m getting out of work. I want to finish the review but I’ll be busy for the rest of the day. Expect it tomorrow or the day after.

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Quoted from DDP

Review -

Pg 1: You have �Int. Professor Hyneck � Day� You cannot be inside a professor, so do you mean, inside his home or work place? Also, instead of writing �mid eastern man� you should put �Middle Eastern man�


Pg 3: �wears *a* black seal uniform�; �binoculars� with an �s�

Pg 8 � Japan should be capitalized;




I will correct these... thanks for pointing out!


Quoted from DDP

TROY�s dialogue at the end of the page is positioned a bit oddly. Not sure if you should just put it on the next page, add the word �more� in parenthesis, or just leave it like that. again, should DR. ZHAN be itself at the end of the page?


This is becuz  the convert from final draft, to rtf/pdf.... just ignore these (mistakes) it converted that way.


Quoted from DDP

Pg6: What do you mean by his head collapses? Are you stating that his head has been decapitated? Or that he has collapsed on the floor?


Man eats. his head collapses... meaning his head just go limp/hangs


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ReaperCreeper
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Hey JD, DDP's right about the first scene header. But that's not the only problem with that part:

*You described Claire as a "beautiful FBI agent". Don't tell us she's an FBI agent, show us. Does she have a badge or something? Don't feel bad though, I've made these mistakes too.

*Another problem with this scene is the dialogue. It advanced way too fast for its own sake. By the first page you have the professor telling her what he's about to say will change what she knows about life. What? We probably find out later on, but come on, we've only met these characters for half a minute!

Okay, moving on...

*By page 2 I could tell your description is as sharp as it gets. I can literally picture everything clearly in my head without problems, as opposed to your opening. Excellent writing.

*Even though they die quickly, you might wanna give the Seals names. O rmaybe just Seal One, since he has a brief conversation with Troy. He could be a minor character and not just a nameless soldier.  

*On page 6 you have "Troy attacks, but the militant falls over dead". Huh? Was he already dead when he looked at Troy?

*I like Morbid. He's a good villian.

*At one point you have Hynek say: "none of the monkeys wanted nothing to do with it". That's not how professors speak. You need to either remove the "none" or change nothing for "anything".

*Some of the second act drags a bit with slightly slow pacing.

*Theories and stuff are a bit "whaaa...?" But it is Fantasy, so it's cool.

*The third act picks up the good pace again. Great.

*"Graveyard"--one word, not "grave yard".

Pretty interesting, entertaining screenplay. I can tell you improved A LOT since you wrote Reality Decisions.

An excellent read, some minor flaws. But that's completely normal anyway.

Can't wait to read more form you you were right, I wasn't dissapointed

--Julio
  
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Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*You described Claire as a "beautiful FBI agent". Don't tell us she's an FBI agent, show us. Does she have a badge or something? Don't feel bad though, I've made these mistakes too.


you are dead on here. I have already changed it, b4 you had mentioned but I havent posted revision yet, which I soon will so time jumping is less confusing and theories are closers together in the middle


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*Another problem with this scene is the dialogue. It advanced way too fast for its own sake. By the first page you have the professor telling her what he's about to say will change what she knows about life. What? We probably find out later on, but come on, we've only met these characters for half a minute!


Noted. I have removed this beginning. It will start right at the Mission Line- land.
We wont meet Hynek til half way thru the script.



Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*By page 2 I could tell your description is as sharp as it gets. I can literally picture everything clearly in my head without problems, as opposed to your opening. Excellent writing.


Thank you for noticing and I'm glad i paint the picture easily for you to see!


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*Even though they die quickly, you might wanna give the Seals names. O rmaybe just Seal One, since he has a brief conversation with Troy. He could be a minor character and not just a nameless soldier.  


I removed this convo too ;p


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*On page 6 you have "Troy attacks, but the militant falls over dead". Huh? Was he already dead when he looked at Troy?

No a wave kills everyone in the camp (morbid)


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*I like Morbid. He's a good villian.


Excellent, but i think i need more work to flesh him out.


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*At one point you have Hynek say: "none of the monkeys wanted nothing to do with it". That's not how professors speak. You need to either remove the "none" or change nothing for "anything".


Good point. Will do


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*Some of the second act drags a bit with slightly slow pacing.


I'm in process to make this full ride now stop


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*Theories and stuff are a bit "whaaa...?" But it is Fantasy, so it's cool.


Maybe this explaination with help jusitfy more that i'm adding it.

As everone learns in school.When you break down the human or anything further. We all are but atoms.
Electrons and neutrons revolving around a nucleus, energy. Apply <-- what you have read.

Did the theories seem to far fetched to you?



Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*"Graveyard"--one word, not "grave yard".


Thanks!


Quoted from ReaperCreeper


Pretty interesting, entertaining screenplay. I can tell you improved A LOT since you wrote Reality Decisions.

An excellent read, some minor flaws. But that's completely normal anyway.

Can't wait to read more form you you were right, I wasn't dissapointed

--Julio
  


Thanks, did you find anything confusing?
Did twist with Sarah come off big surprise?
Did you understand SHE was not able to heal like Troy?

I'll have a review for you real soon


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Okay, I finally finished the script and let me say that after the first 15 pages, the story really takes off and starts to make more sense. I have to make it clear that this is not normally a script that I would pick up; its simply not my cup of tea. However, coming to this story without much excitement did not deter me from noting that this script has a lot of potential. I can see, for example, that some of my friends who go more into this type of movie would thoroughly enjoy it.

You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.

There are a few spelling errors that I saw, but I did not have the time to point them out individually because I am at work (and actually busy)! Lol. However, I didn't see anything major. You have good format, and I'll definitely take a closer look at this script and other scripts here on the board in the near future to get tips and ideas for my own writing!

Good luck with this script.

~ DDP
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*"Did the theories seem to far fetched to you?"

A little bit, but like I said, It's Fantasy, so I don't really think there's any problem.



*" did you find anything confusing?"

Not really. I was a little lost in the beginning but when it got going I understood everything perfectly.

*"Did twist with Sarah come off big surprise?"

Well, I sure didn't see it coming. I wasn't like "wow!" but it was still unexpected.

I really dug this story, and the title is probably the "catchiest" I've seen on here . You should try and sell it or something.


--Julio
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Quoted from DDP
I have to make it clear that this is not normally a script that I would pick up; its simply not my cup of tea. However, coming to this story without much excitement did not deter me from noting that this script has a lot of potential. I can see, for example, that some of my friends who go more into this type of movie would thoroughly enjoy it.


I wanted to just say thank you for time and reviewing it. You got review from me whenever you need it.

I glad I was able to hold your interest for something which normally you wouldnt even look at!


Quoted from DDP

You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.


Thanks, I'm glad you were able to notice the individual characters. i'm still tryng to amp them up.  I will also fix the beginning so it is less confusing. Since it seems to be a trend.

Quoted from DDP

You have good format, and I'll definitely take a closer look at this script and other scripts here on the board in the near future to get tips and ideas for my own writing!

Good luck with this script.

~ DDP


Hope it can serve you well in your script!


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Quoted from ReaperCreeper
*"Did the theories seem to far fetched to you?"

A little bit, but like I said, It's Fantasy, so I don't really think there's any problem.


I will work on this so, its seem more realistic


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*" did you find anything confusing?"

Not really. I was a little lost in the beginning but when it got going I understood everything perfectly.


I will change the beginning so no confusion.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper

*"Did twist with Sarah come off big surprise?"

Well, I sure didn't see it coming. I wasn't like "wow!" but it was still unexpected.


Will try and make this more of a impact in revision.


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

I really dug this story, and the title is probably the "catchiest" I've seen on here . You should try and sell it or something.


In the works, I still have some work to do on it tho. I do have a professional contact , once I get it were he oka its.. He will pass me to his producer friends

Thanks again for the feedback!


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Seth
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JD,

Having read a few of the more recent critiques, I know that this draft is well liked. I, though, prefer the previous draft -- which, imo, was more engaging.  This new draft, action packed as it is, doesn't, at least in the first 50 pages, affect me as the first one did.

It, I think, lacks a kind of human element -- a frailty. By this I mean, in the previous draft, the Mime (or Sarah), is introduced in a cathedral. She questions herself, her actions, etc. This scene served two purposes, 1) it set up Sarah as a sympathetic character, and 2) it forshadowed the religious angle. It was a good hook. It drew me into the story. Having read that, I wanted to read more.

As it is now, it's just one action scene after another. Even so, I must say, the action scenes are better written. The bar scene in particular -- it did not, as it did before, bore me. The whole script, in terms of grammar and punctuation, is better. Still, there are a number of errors. Screenplays, in terms of grammar, don't have to be perfect, but they should approximate something close to perfect. That said, go to a used book store and pick up a style book. Study it.

You're very creative. You tell a good story -- but if the story you tell can't be breezed through, it won't be read. Readers, in Hollywood, from what I understand, will toss a script for the most minuscule of reasons. Bastards!

Anyway, wanting to focus on the story, I took few notes. Among the few things that jumped out at me...

1) Words like "glare" and "gaze." They scream amateur. They sound literary, but they're not. Try not not to use either more than once in a script. Such words come off as bloated. In other words, not necessary.

2) Years, like 87 or 94 should have an apostrophe infront of 'em. '87, '94.

3) On page 44 you wrote: "...quantum means enough." When I think of the word quantum, as it relates to quantum theory (or mechanics), I think of atomic and subatomic particles -- the word "enough" never enters into the equation. Granted, I'm not a physicist.

Still, if you want to work it from a pseudoscience angle (and, really, you haven't much choice), then work it, research it -- couch it in vague, but realistic, terminology.

I'm only 50 pages into this (half through it). So far, though, I have to say, it's disappointing. You cut everything that I liked. The beauty of your previous script was that the characters, the ones that had the ability to employ PSI(sp), a supernatural ability, were, at the same time, very human -- suffereing as we all do with self-doubt.

I just, I preferred the previous draft. Loved it.

Maybe the next 50 pages will change my mind.

Seth  



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JD_OK
Posted: February 24th, 2007, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Seth


It, I think, lacks a kind of human element -- a frailty. By this I mean, in the previous draft, the Mime (or Sarah), is introduced in a cathedral. She questions herself, her actions, etc. This scene served two purposes, 1) it set up Sarah as a sympathetic character, and 2) it forshadowed the religious angle. It was a good hook. It drew me into the story. Having read that, I wanted to read more.


I did like this scene aswell. Maybe It willreturn, after couple more drafts. I'm have hard time making everything streamline in a time perdion.. cuz I have alot of exposition to cover


Quoted from Seth

As it is now, it's just one action scene after another. Even so, I must say, the action scenes are better written. The bar scene in particular -- it did not, as it did before, bore me. The whole script, in terms of grammar and punctuation, is better. Still, there are a number of errors. Screenplays, in terms of grammar, don't have to be perfect, but they should approximate something close to perfect. That said, go to a used book store and pick up a style book. Study it.


Yea I need to. my enlish have been shot to shit from years of internet short handtyping and txt messaging.



Quoted from Seth

You're very creative. You tell a good story -- but if the story you tell can't be breezed through, it won't be read. Readers, in Hollywood, from what I understand, will toss a script for the most minuscule of reasons. Bastards!


Are you saying you were confused at a point?

Anyway, wanting to focus on the story, I took few notes. Among the few things that jumped out at me...


Quoted from Seth

1) Words like "glare" and "gaze." They scream amateur. They sound literary, but they're not. Try not not to use either more than once in a script. Such words come off as bloated. In other words, not necessary.


Dont know about that one, usually amateurs use "look" then peer, gaze
Certanly worth a look up

Quoted from Seth

2) Years, like 87 or 94 should have an apostrophe infront of 'em. '87, '94.

right on.. im make the corrections!


Quoted from Seth

3) On page 44 you wrote: "...quantum means enough." When I think of the word quantum, as it relates to quantum theory (or mechanics), I think of atomic and subatomic particles -- the word "enough" never enters into the equation. Granted, I'm not a physicist.


Adjective form - LARGE AMOUNT. I use it in the context for describing


Quoted from Seth

Still, if you want to work it from a pseudoscience angle (and, really, you haven't much choice), then work it, research it -- couch it in vague, but realistic, terminology.


Yo talking about word choice when speaking of the quantum theory?


Quoted from Seth

I'm only 50 pages into this (half through it). So far, though, I have to say, it's disappointing. You cut everything that I liked. The beauty of your previous script was that the characters, the ones that had the ability to employ PSI(sp), a supernatural ability, were, at the same time, very human -- suffereing as we all do with self-doubt.

You will see this in next half I hope

Good review so far with good reasoning behind it






Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Seth
Posted: February 25th, 2007, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JD_OK


Are you saying you were confused at a point?



No, I wasn't confused. In fact, for the most part, Newton's Cradle is a quick, easy read. Some of the punctuation, though, caused me to pause -- taking me out of the story.  


Quoted from JD_OK

Dont know about that one, usually amateurs use "look" then peer, gaze
Certanly worth a look up


"Peer" is another good example of a word that, I think, is overused.  Still, I wouldn't take any one word off the table -- except suddenly.


Quoted from JD_OK

Adjective form - LARGE AMOUNT. I use it in the context for describing


A quantum, in terms of science, is "The minimum amount of a quantity that is found in nature." Quantum mechanics (or theory) deals with waves and particles -- things that are, by definition, tiny -- not large.

I looked quantum up at dictionary.com and, yes, one definition is "A large quantity," but this definition, as far as I know, hasn't anything to do with quantum theory.

So when Hynek says, "The experiment is quantum theory. Quantum means enough...." He, in my mind, sounds a little clueless.

Still, I know almost nothing about quantum mechanics. That said, I encourage you to research it.  

Seth


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Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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JD_OK
Posted: March 1st, 2007, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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4th draft posted***********************


Thanks for great advice everyone. Made some great changes to the story with your help.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  March 4th, 2007, 11:08pm
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Steve-Dave
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I think "A" helicopter instead of the helicopter'd be better since we're just getting introduced to it.

top pg 2 - its needs an apostrophe

Too much backstory ruins the momentum. I think. I'd just like to go right to the mime after Troy's mission. I think you squeezed too much in a small amount of time, and seemed like it just moved too quickly. I'd like to see it revealed more gradually. You also might be making Sarah too obvious as the mime, and may be revealing too much about the gift too early. Like I said, I think it should be more gradual over time as it goes. I like more of an ora of mysticism around Sarah. I don't like knowing too much about her. And what's with the guy? I just kinda dig the "basket case" version of Sarah more then knowing all these things about her. Like being normal and having a boyfriend and all that. Because if you display her that way you run the risk of having people not buying that she could be capable of being the mime later, which is kinda how I feel about her right now since you humanize her and show her as an ordinary person too much. I don't wanna see her as a "normal" person, I just like her as the sad, broken up Sarah with the inner conflict. Like the last version, I thought that was just fine,except for these scenes I think you could cut. It's just my opinion, but I'd rather not know all this information, and get to the psi and action stuff. I'd rather see morbid leave troy for dead, Morbid get away and cut to the attack on Quantum Mechanics years later. The thug fight I still don't dig either.

bottom pg 8 - Sarah - "...mom was there when you WASN'T..." - Should be weren't.

pg 10 - Troy - "...Let THE him go"

pg 11 - Moore - "Hickman, you're suppose(D) to be..."

pg 17 - description is worded oddly - CHRIS (1, skinny with glasses and frizzy hair. MATT (1, round body and face. They trot down a hall towards a classroom. The first two sentences arein't sentences, and could all be combined as Chris (description) and Matt (description)  trot down the hall so you could also take out the "they" in they trot.

Also on pg 17 - "There are" students of various ages, maybe Just "Students of various ages, male and female fill the classroom." Or just "An eclectic group of students...blah blah" etc.

top pg 21 - Zahn - its needs apostrophe

pg 22 - Rallins - "...(He's) teaches at..."

pg 22 - S(.)W.A.T(.) and F.B.I(.)

pg 23 - You probably shouldn't put "Arkon's mansion" before Arkon's been properly introduced. Just put Mansion.

pg 25 - S.W.A.T(.)

pg 26 - Not really necessary to put (tipsy) on two consecutive Troy dialogues.

pg 29 - The flashback with Zahn and Troy in the hospital, I don't think really works. Going from one conversation between Troy and Zahn to another ruins the momentum. We already get the feeling that these two know eachother, and there may be some bad blood.

I don't remember how much you hinted at Hynek in the last draft, but think you did a good job with it here. With playing it back on the tape recorder, and asking Troy who he is, Zahn referrencing the book, nice kinda mood of interest you created here. If it was in the last draft, I don't really remember, but it seems more pronounced in this one. Cuz the themes he talks about do deliver, so it's cool how you've planted the seeds here.

pg 39 - Stahl - "What the fuck he doin' here?" - Should be IS he...

pg 41 - "Kent starts to black out..." - Uh oh, did I just catch a "starts to" in a JD script? Holy shit! Say it ain't so JD!     No, just kidding. You probably just wanna put Kent blacks out though.

pg 47 - The "rice crispies don't talk to him" line is lost on me.

pg 47 - "STAND hands her the book" - ???

pg 48 - "A noise O.S." Maybe you should describe the noise a little more. A noise could range from anything from a glass breaking, to a bang, to a car door slamming, etc.

pg 50 - You have Troy enters a telephone booth in description and then have an INT. PHONE BOOTH next, when you could just say
"Troy enters a..."
PHONE BOOTH

I remember someone saying in past comments that it's too convenient for Troy to just look up an agent in the phone book. It really doesn't bother me all that much, but I can see how people would think it's convenient. Why not just have Hartley give Troy her number in case he thinks of any info, or gives him a card, or both, or Troy could even call her precinct and ask to talk to her.

pg 51 - You say Duncan calls to Stahl, and then in the next dialogue you have (to Stahl) which is unnecessary and redundant.

Doesn't everyone who uses psi glow. We see everyone do that. But Troy already knows she has it, which doesn't make his saying "you have it too..." make much sense.

It's odd that sometimes you go from writing FBI and SWAT to F.B.I. and S.W.A.T. Maybe you should have more of a constant. Cuz you also tend to leave out periods here and there when you use them.

pg 59 - THE Morbid's car follows.

"I don't have anymore cats" - Ha! And nice touch with the energy drink cans. And smoking three cigarettes. Nice details for Hynek, you created a good picture and personality for him.

bttom pg 62 - "He his hands shake"

pg 62 - Hynek - At first, none of the lil bastards wanted nothing to do with it. -- Either say the little bastards wanted nothing... or none of the lil bastards wanted ANYTHING to do with it. Otherwise it sounds weird.

pg 63 - (An) adult monkey refuses the fruit...

pg 65 - Hynek - The baby bastards BECAME to an age, should be CAME to an age.

pg 72 - Hartly - you're loosen me, should be LOSIN' me.

pg 73 - You should still change slug lines when you show Arkon and Troy during Hynek's speaking. Or at least signify a montage or something.

pg 74 - "Jesus sits around his desciples" Maybe amongst would be better, or his desciples site around him. Unless J.C. was really fat, I don't think he could sit around his desciples.

pg 74 - Hynek - "There isn't one person that doesn't have (A) piece of him..."

bottom pg 75 - its needs apostrophe.

"...to make some bling" - ha!

top pg 78 - Hynek - "The only way to defend yourself from psi is psi IT itself"

pg 83 - "Morez and    the another agent"

bottom pg 83 - Stahl - "...taking too long, something(S) up"

pg 88 - "alarms sounds"

pg 91 - "pike axe"

pg 92 - "Morbid spins one his hammers"

Done and some parts were improved, but I still feel like before that all you really need to do is cut a couple scenes. In the beginning which I mentioned, and the hospital scene between Troy and Zahn. And if you keep the car accident scene with Johna, which is kinda essential I guess, you should place that later, maybe when Sarah goes to the cemetary. And thus concludes my review.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Steve-Dave  -  March 5th, 2007, 7:25pm
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George Willson
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I read through the whole thing and have some commentary. I do have the occasional format issue, but who doesn't. A lot of my comment occur in the beginning and the middle, cause as the end approaches, the journey becomes quite a bit clearer. In fact, your final pages are quite well written.

My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. It's not summer blockbuster material because it's too cerebral, but it's one of those that would work well in the early parts of the year before people stop thinking and just want mindless action and violence. I think it occasionally goes a bit too far off the deep end in the scientific super-babble of how things work and why, but it's not as bad as the original Ringu sequel called Rasen (which I do reference in here).

So you've done a great job on this script and its rewrites (this is the second full draft I've read). I hope you continue to refine it since it isn't quite where it needs to be yet, but it's getting very close to it.

And now, for the moment you've been waiting for.

****** SPOILER ALERT!!! **********






1: First, a copyright and a WGA registration are two completely different things. You can have both, but based on what I gather from your script, it would be properly worded "WGA #...." While it is techinically coprighted, it is not copyrighted with the WGA, as they don't do copyright registrations; only the Library of Congress does.

2: That's a pretty extensive SUPER there. Do you plan on the ellipsis and everything being part of that? Frankly, it looks more like two SUPERS, not one. Or maybe one on top of the other.

Your transition to the forest is a bit rough. I had to check it a couple of times to realize we were no longer in the helicopter looking through binoculars to the ground. That can be more specific.

I understand the secondary heading being in the camp, but it doesn't read smoothly. For the second time in the first page, I am rereading to make sure I know what's going on. I know you're going for brevity in your writing, but don't lose the meaning while doing so.

3: Continued from previous scene, you imply that the militant is capable of looking down, but if I understand this right, the militant was hit in the neck. Again, you don't actually state where he was hit. Is the knife embedded in his neck or was he just cut there? I am gathering that "spews out from his neck" means that he was cut and the knife moved on without him. But what are we actually seeing here? Movies are a visual medium so nothing is implied. If it is supposed to appear on screen, state what we are to see.

These four militants: where are they? Are they on the truck? On the ground? You've got a great scene going on here. It's very cool and could open up the film really well. But you've left too much to the imagination. This is a movie. Nothing is left to the imagination.

4: I honestly can't see a Seal moving on of his own accord especially when he was given a direct order to hold his position. These aren't children in a horror movie. These are soldiers.

"Something crashes to the floor inside the wood house." What wood house? Ah, I see. He's in a house and it's made of wood. Got it.

5: Troy's guns fly to the ground. I'm gathering he drops them?

I backtracked to here once I figured this one out. I'm guessing O.C. is "Off Camera," but that's not the correct terminology. O.S. is used for someone being in the scene but not seen. While it is referred to as "Off Screen," it actually dates back to stage plays where the term means "Off Stage." O.C. is a bastardization of this term and I believe usable, but O.S. is the correct one.

6: The opening sequence ends. My overall take on this is that it's a very cool scene. It sets up your main character very well and has a lot of intrigue, actions, unanswered questions: everything a good first scene needs. The trouble is that the action paragraphs are incredibly confusing. I had to go back and forth while reading multiple times to pick up the pieces of what is going on. I know from your comments made on other scripts that you want everything to be as short and crisp as possible, but if you lose the meaning, it's just as bad as overwriting. Be careful cutting too much.

8/9: Whoops, got your dialogue and character divided.

11: I know these gangsters are incidental characters, but the 1, 2, 3 thing is a bit tired. You should give them names of some sort so they are more easily referenced. That's more of a personal preference, but names mean more than off-hand titles.

12: A gunfire rings out? No article on the gunfire.

The setup for Troy is a lot better than in the previous drafts. We actually get an idea of who he is now and where he came from. It's also nice to meet Sarah this early in the story and setup the friction between them. I like Troy's problem in that he is not afraid of being been, but more afraid of this Morbid guy from his past. So far, the descriptions here are far more understandable.

I got what you did with your original opening scene. Careful not to cut too much out. You may need to toss in some exposition to fill in some gaps that aren't clear. Since I remember the original version, I know why he's out there, but not everyone will.

12/13: Another character name/dialogue division.

13: You need to describe the inside of the security room.

13/14: You have a slug separated from its scene.

15: Kent switches channels, but he talks into a phone? When did he pick up the phone?

A black mask with a black tear? That's not going to show up very well. Why not a white tear? Actually, why a black mask? Mime's faces are white.

16: He grabs the phone and now it doesn't work, but it worked a second ago.

17: "His outside check point." I don't understand this line.

18: At the end of your original opening scene to setup the current issue, I question the need for it to be to this extent. After all, you already opened with an extensive scene showing Troy's ability. The intent here is to show someone with a similar ability. Since this scene is not opening the film, it runs a bit long. This sequence is 6 pages long, and its purpose is to a) show the facility was attacked and b) show off the Mime and his abilities. Originally, it was also there to open the film (necessitating a longer sequence) and intrigue the audience (which is done by Troy in the new opening scene. The scene needs to be further shortened to show the Mime, the similarities to Troy, and the attack on the facility. Probably half of it needs to go or it will drag the story.

19: Love the book title. Very amusing.

20: ASAP is an acronym, and needs to be capitalized in its entirety.

21/22: Dialogue is split between pages.

23: He teaches at _____. I'm guessing that's a placeholder until you figure out a name for the place?

23/24: This is an incredibly short scene to introduce two new characters. Either expand this scene here, or wait to introduce us to them when there's more time.

24: "Hall - Continuous" Secondary headings do not require time frames as it is understood that they occur at the same time (and general place) as the master slug for the scene.

25: I still find the "two reasons" bit to be a little pretentious. His first "reason" for bringing him there doesn't really make sense since he wouldn't have know that Marc was coming until Marc got there. Now, if I try and read between the lines a bit, I can gather that Arkon might have heard of Marc as Morbid's "apprentice" or whatever, and brought them both there on purpose, but as the butler didn't seem to know Marc was coming, that seems unlikely, though it would make more sense. It would require some exposition in the form of a quick chat between Morbid and Marc as they walk.

26: I will grant you the second scroll...not a detriment really, but it makes Morbid sound like he's in a video game.

27: Stahl's whole gay/look good line is silly.

29: Troy's comeback "I have no idea..." seems to refer to Zahn's line about the gift. Troy would know exactly what Zahn is talking about, and it seems he wouldn't want to insult Zahn's intelligence like that. I can see a comeback of some kind, but "I have no idea..." seems like a cheap throw away one to set up Zahn's next line. It could be much better. Even if it turns out that Troy's been keeping his skills a secret this whole time, Zahn knows him well from way back.

30: Why does Troy turn his wrist over?

31: Duncan's comment. Sexual harrassment, anyone?

33: Someone went to the difficulty of finding the # character for a text message, but actually typed out nine? # 9 would be how it would look. If the person were anal enough to type out nine, they'd go for number as well.

33/34: Another break of the character name and dialogue.

35: The girls just walk away? No reaction. No huffs or anything? You're sacrificing character and story for the sake of brevity here.

35/36: Slug line all by himself without his scene on the next page.

36: The description implies that the bouncer lets a Jamaican into the black van. Imagine my confusion when he walks up to said van and figure out he probably let the jamaican into the club.

36/37: Your dialogue is split across two pages.

39: Troy strikes with a hard combination... of what?

40/41: Another poor lonely slug at the bottom of the page.

42/43: Another slug without a scene on the page.

44/45: Another lonely slug.



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George Willson
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**** MORE SPOILERS ******









46: I like the blood test. That's a good setup/payoff. Should be interesting to see how you play it out. You can see at this point, I'm down to pointing out your rogue sluglines, so the story is going real well right now.

One thing that is making me a bit crazy are a large number of really, really short scenes. 47 has one of these scenes. The only thing that happens is a doctor commenting on something getting worse with Zahn. That's it. No elaboration or anything. There were a few of these preceeding the scene with Kent in the hospital as well. These are like having incomplete sentences. Unless the scene expresses a complete thought, what it does express is better combined into a larger scene later.

47/48: disconnected character name from dialogue.

48: Here's a good reason to use names over descriptions. You now have cab driver two to distinguish from cab driver one, who I believe drove the cab with Troy. Why not name them? It'll give them from personality. The audience may never know the cabbie's name, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have one.

49: The conversation between Morbid and Rallins has some funky comma use. Should be: "We have evidence that he is the one." and "I'll take care of McCaine when it's done." No commas in either one.

Misuse of a word: "Troy LIES on his bed." For lays, it would be "Troy lays in bed."

I also notice you use O.S. on this page as opposed to the O.C. I prefer O.S., myself, but you do need to pick one. This is like my ok/okay indecision (which I plan on using a find and replace to correct).

51: Hm, 626 S. Elwood. I know Elwood is a street in Tulsa. In the highly annoying downtown area, no less. Anyone we know?

52/53: Another lonely slug.

53: Brown just tries to open the door. We don't get any kind of reaction first? Confusion? How the heck did someone get past me? Nothing?

58/59: Character name and dialogue separated.

59: I liked this sequence (53-59). It was well placed, fit with the overall feel of the story and action, and had a solid emotional end to it. Well done.

60: A force ejects Duncan and Ley out of the car. Need more here. Out of which part of the car? Where do they land? Are we to think they survive or not? Curiosities. Sure, a director could figure that out, but it's also nice to know the thoughts of the writer on that.

61: Seeing the last name of Sarah's mother again, I have to ask (since it's not stated elsewhere), were Troy and Johna divorced? Never married? Was she a women's power type of girl who never gave up her last name? Did she get remarried and take the new guy's last name or is she using her maiden name? What's the deal there? Is Sarah's last name Kneddric or Council? You think people don't wonder about these sorts of things, but these little things fill out one's character and past. Of course that leads to the question of what happened between them, etc. Maybe none of it will appear in the scrpt, but it's something you should know.

63/64: character name and dialogue separated.

64: We only get a piece of the monkey story flashback before another flashback? You might want to finish one story before beginning another...

66: Wha? So she is taken into a lab to practice her psi, which is known to be a very powerful thing that involves moving things around with your mind and such, and they put her next to dangerous chemicals? This sounds like a very contrived way to get her skin burned. Why not just have the collar electrocute her real bad? It's more believable.

70: Ok, we finish the monkey story. I feel like Hartley arriving at Hynek's place works before Sarah's flashback, but I don't think the monkey story should start until we can do the whole thing in one sitting.

You have a press conference labeled as a location. You don't tell where the location is nor do you describe the environment or atmosphere in any way. Little more info to get the feel of what's going on would be useful.

70/71: Got another dialogue break.

71: You have an action in a wryly. (brings hand to face) should be in an action paragraph of its own, not in a parenthetical.

71/72: Another dialogue break.

72: The wryly saying that Troy is being defensive is unnecessary. It is obvious he is being defensive.

72/73: Dialogue break again.

73: Typo: "You're loosen me" should be "you're losing me." Spell check won't catch that one.

73/74: Dialogue break.

74: This intercut was momentarily confusing. You'll have to write out each scene break as its own slugline as it travels from location to location. Otherwise, we'll get lost in the changes.

I'll also note this is a hell of a heady concept for a movie. Concepts like this are difficult to pull off in films, which is one thing that led to the utter failure of the original Ringu sequel entitled Rasen. You have been no where near as talky and complicated as that film was, but I caution you to keep it very simple. Go rent Rasen, though. It'll be a good illustration of a bad way to pull off a theoretical scientific concept in a film. Just be prepared to be mystified in both the good and bad ways. Moving on...

76: I don't think the flashback to Akron's masion is a true flashback. All we're doing is visiting this location as it is since we're looking at pictures.

76/77: Character name and dialogue split.

77: Hm, this is an interesting addition you've got going on here. I know it wasn't in the earlier drafts. Taking on the Da Vinci Code, huh? Seems a bit lofty, and all this chatter, while interesting, leads me to refer you to give Rasen a viewing to find out why it was dumped and Ringu 2 replaced it.

78: typo: "miss used" should be "misused"

"Hynek brings a figure." I don't understand this.

78/79: character name and dialogue split.

79: Ah, Sarah Council. This explains not only her last name, but the dramatic reason why it's different from Troy's. Apart from the drama, what's the life reason it's different?

80: Typo: "A force makes Stahl have his GUN at his own head." This is also a strangely worded sentence. This force is invisible, so just write what you can see.

82: So, we're going with the old MPD angle. Always a pleasure.

84: Looks like a typo since Stahl has not been established with this type of grammar: "Something up" should be "Something's up."

85: Camouflage? Are you referring to what the Army calls BDU's (Battle Dress Uniform) or what the Marines refer to as "cami's"? If you want to be general, just put "military camouflage uniform" or more easily, "fatigues." I am guessing that's what this is, but I'm also rather intuitive, and have seen pretty much everything.

86: Oh Lord, please don't have a guard say this... That's as bad as a guy rubbing his eyes after seeing something weird out a window...

Okay, you are aware of the term fatigues...

91: His body explodes? Flattened I can see, but explodes?

96: The Arkon's Study scene is a little odd. I don't really understand what happened there.

100: To clarify, though, I completely understand this Arkon scene.

100/101: Slug separated from its scene.

I glaced at Sry's comments above there, and I totally got the "Rice Crispies" line...that was funny.

That's it. Or that's what I got from my read through anyway. Hope it's of some assistance to you.


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JD_OK
Posted: March 6th, 2007, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steve-Dave


Too much backstory ruins the momentum. I think. I'd just like to go right to the mime after Troy's mission. I think you squeezed too much in a small amount of time, and seemed like it just moved too quickly. I'd like to see it revealed more gradually. You also might be making Sarah too obvious as the mime, and may be revealing too much about the gift too early. Like I said, I think it should be more gradual over time as it goes. I like more of an ora of mysticism around Sarah. I don't like knowing too much about her. And what's with the guy? I just kinda dig the "basket case" version of Sarah more then knowing all these things about her. Like being normal and having a boyfriend and all that. Because if you display her that way you run the risk of having people not buying that she could be capable of being the mime later, which is kinda how I feel about her right now since you humanize her and show her as an ordinary person too much. I don't wanna see her as a "normal" person, I just like her as the sad, broken up Sarah with the inner conflict. Like the last version, I thought that was just fine,except for these scenes I think you could cut. It's just my opinion, but I'd rather not know all this information, and get to the psi and action stuff. I'd rather see morbid leave troy for dead, Morbid get away and cut to the attack on Quantum Mechanics years later. The thug fight I still don't dig either.

pg 29 - The flashback with Zahn and Troy in the hospital, I don't think really works. Going from one conversation between Troy and Zahn to another ruins the momentum. We already get the feeling that these two know eachother, and there may be some bad blood.

I don't remember how much you hinted at Hynek in the last draft, but think you did a good job with it here. With playing it back on the tape recorder, and asking Troy who he is, Zahn referrencing the book, nice kinda mood of interest you created here. If it was in the last draft, I don't really remember, but it seems more pronounced in this one. Cuz the themes he talks about do deliver, so it's cool how you've planted the seeds here.


Noted.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 41 - "Kent starts to black out..." - Uh oh, did I just catch a "starts to" in a JD script? Holy shit! Say it ain't so JD!     No, just kidding. You probably just wanna put Kent blacks out though.


Lol good spot out! I changed it to Kent blacks out briefly!

Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 47 - The "rice crispies don't talk to him" line is lost on me.

Never ate the cereral? If you put your ear to them in the milk, they snap, crackle and pop!


Quoted from Steve-Dave


I remember someone saying in past comments that it's too convenient for Troy to just look up an agent in the phone book. It really doesn't bother me all that much, but I can see how people would think it's convenient. Why not just have Hartley give Troy her number in case he thinks of any info, or gives him a card, or both, or Troy could even call her precinct and ask to talk to her.


Tru tru.

Quoted from Steve-Dave

pg 51 - You say Duncan calls to Stahl, and then in the next dialogue you have (to Stahl) which is unnecessary and redundant.


Good catch... i heard found this b4 you mentioned it..i just hadnt posted corrections yet.

Quoted from Steve-Dave

Doesn't everyone who uses psi glow. We see everyone do that. But Troy already knows she has it, which doesn't make his saying "you have it too..." make much sense.


No, just like walking, if you 1st learn, you cant run just yet, and or sprint. I show this with Hynek.. she shows what he could do after 2 years doing it himsel.. just being able to move the paper under glass dome (psi wheel)


Quoted from Steve-Dave

It's odd that sometimes you go from writing FBI and SWAT to F.B.I. and S.W.A.T. Maybe you should have more of a constant. Cuz you also tend to leave out periods here and there when you use them.


I will correct! And thanks for the typos point out! You spotted good ones.


Quoted from Steve-Dave

"I don't have anymore cats" - Ha! And nice touch with the energy drink cans. And smoking three cigarettes. Nice details for Hynek, you created a good picture and personality for him.


Thanks, my hope was to make him qeir so the exposition come over more entertaining...was it?



pg 74 - "Jesus sits around his desciples" Maybe amongst would be better, or his desciples site around him. Unless J.C. was really fat, I don't think he could sit around his desciples.[/quote]

changed.

Quoted from Steve-Dave

"...to make some bling" - ha!

hehe


Quoted from Steve-Dave


Done and some parts were improved, but I still feel like before that all you really need to do is cut a couple scenes. In the beginning which I mentioned, and the hospital scene between Troy and Zahn. And if you keep the car accident scene with Johna, which is kinda essential I guess, you should place that later, maybe when Sarah goes to the cemetary. And thus concludes my review.


Thanks again. I should have what is normal completed today

George: I will reply to yours soon! Late for work.


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Quoted from George Willson
I read through the whole thing and have some commentary. I do have the occasional format issue, but who doesn't. A lot of my comment occur in the beginning and the middle, cause as the end approaches, the journey becomes quite a bit clearer. In fact, your final pages are quite well written.


Thanks, I do appreciate excellent feedback, negative or postive!

Quoted from George Willson


My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. It's not summer blockbuster material because it's too cerebral, but it's one of those that would work well in the early parts of the year before people stop thinking and just want mindless action and violence. I think it occasionally goes a bit too far off the deep end in the scientific super-babble of how things work and why, but it's not as bad as the original Ringu sequel called Rasen (which I do reference in here).


Thanks! If I get this script in tip top shape, Its going to be looked at by Joel Schumacher.

Did my theories seem to crazy?

Quoted from George Willson


So you've done a great job on this script and its rewrites (this is the second full draft I've read). I hope you continue to refine it since it isn't quite where it needs to be yet, but it's getting very close to it.


Thank you and yes, I'm always continueing to enhance this story from feedback given.







Quoted from George Willson


1: First, a copyright and a WGA registration are two completely different things. You can have both, but based on what I gather from your script, it would be properly worded "WGA #...." While it is techinically coprighted, it is not copyrighted with the WGA, as they don't do copyright registrations; only the Library of Congress does.

good point...fixed


Quoted from George Willson


I understand the secondary heading being in the camp, but it doesn't read smoothly. For the second time in the first page, I am rereading to make sure I know what's going on. I know you're going for brevity in your writing, but don't lose the meaning while doing so.


I will look into  this


Quoted from George Willson

3: Continued from previous scene, you imply that the militant is capable of looking down, but if I understand this right, the militant was hit in the neck. Again, you don't actually state where he was hit. Is the knife embedded in his neck or was he just cut there? I am gathering that "spews out from his neck" means that he was cut and the knife moved on without him. But what are we actually seeing here? Movies are a visual medium so nothing is implied. If it is supposed to appear on screen, state what we are to see.


Noted


Quoted from George Willson

"Something crashes to the floor inside the wood house." What wood house? Ah, I see. He's in a house and it's made of wood. Got it.


Sarcasism or being serious?


Quoted from George Willson

5: Troy's guns fly to the ground. I'm gathering he drops them?


He is pushed down the stairs, thus dropping his guys, they fly to the ground.


Quoted from George Willson

I backtracked to here once I figured this one out. I'm guessing O.C. is "Off Camera," but that's not the correct terminology. O.S. is used for someone being in the scene but not seen. While it is referred to as "Off Screen," it actually dates back to stage plays where the term means "Off Stage." O.C. is a bastardization of this term and I believe usable, but O.S. is the correct one.


Yes, off camera... O.S. to me means, person is not on scene by heard, Off camera to me means, on screen but not seen speaking the words, like their back to the camera


Quoted from George Willson

6: The opening sequence ends. My overall take on this is that it's a very cool scene. It sets up your main character very well and has a lot of intrigue, actions, unanswered questions: everything a good first scene needs. The trouble is that the action paragraphs are incredibly confusing. I had to go back and forth while reading multiple times to pick up the pieces of what is going on. I know from your comments made on other scripts that you want everything to be as short and crisp as possible, but if you lose the meaning, it's just as bad as overwriting. Be careful cutting too much.


Thanks, I hope i switched up the action enough so different things happen with each fight scene.

Cutting to much- I agree, i would like more, but my consultant says just suggest. He knows his stuff and is well connected ... he is the one that will give my script to Joel and guy who wrote flintstones and Houseguest


Quoted from George Willson

8/9: Whoops, got your dialogue and character divided.


This is due to file convert to rtf... So that is why. I would like to post final raft but alot of people dont have it. So you will see these non stop.



Quoted from George Willson

12: A gunfire rings out? No article on the gunfire.


What do you mean?

Quoted from George Willson


The setup for Troy is a lot better than in the previous drafts. We actually get an idea of who he is now and where he came from. It's also nice to meet Sarah this early in the story and setup the friction between them. I like Troy's problem in that he is not afraid of being been, but more afraid of this Morbid guy from his past. So far, the descriptions here are far more understandable.


Thanks for the comments on this. This is the feel I was hoping to get. Do you introducing Sarah here gives away to much?


Quoted from George Willson

I got what you did with your original opening scene. Careful not to cut too much out. You may need to toss in some exposition to fill in some gaps that aren't clear. Since I remember the original version, I know why he's out there, but not everyone will.


Answered in war room...i think...


Quoted from George Willson

15: Kent switches channels, but he talks into a phone? When did he pick up the phone?


fixed...thanks!


Quoted from George Willson

A black mask with a black tear? That's not going to show up very well. Why not a white tear? Actually, why a black mask? Mime's faces are white.


Did you get it now after the light shines from her?

Quoted from George Willson

16: He grabs the phone and now it doesn't work, but it worked a second ago.

It doesnt anymore =\

Quoted from George Willson

17: "His outside check point." I don't understand this line.

The mime was outside check point.. b4 shattering the glass door.

18: At the end of your original opening scene to setup the current issue, I question the need for it to be to this extent. After all, you already opened with an extensive scene showing Troy's ability. The intent here is to show someone with a similar ability. Since this scene is not opening the film, it runs a bit long. This sequence is 6 pages long, and its purpose is to a) show the facility was attacked and b) show off the Mime and his abilities. Originally, it was also there to open the film (necessitating a longer sequence) and intrigue the audience (which is done by Troy in the new opening scene.
[/quote]

Actually this is to cast shadow over troy as the mime. The Mime uses like Troy at the beginning, but Troy didnt have the light at the beginning... morbid did... So this like you said sets up is it friend or foe? But it might run alil long...

Quoted from George Willson

19: Love the book title. Very amusing.


Thanks I too  it from the original "100th monkey effect" and tweaked it.



Quoted from George Willson

26: I will grant you the second scroll...not a detriment really, but it makes Morbid sound like he's in a video game.

Might have a point here.. but it does make sense later what the scroll is?


Quoted from George Willson

31: Duncan's comment. Sexual harrassment, anyone?

set up and pay off for later... did you make sense when the rape occurs?


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JD_OK  -  March 6th, 2007, 9:56pm
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Quoted from George Willson

46: I like the blood test. That's a good setup/payoff. Should be interesting to see how you play it out. You can see at this point, I'm down to pointing out your rogue sluglines, so the story is going real well right now.


Hehe thx!


Quoted from George Willson

One thing that is making me a bit crazy are a large number of really, really short scenes. 47 has one of these scenes. The only thing that happens is a doctor commenting on something getting worse with Zahn. That's it. No elaboration or anything. There were a few of these preceeding the scene with Kent in the hospital as well. These are like having incomplete sentences. Unless the scene expresses a complete thought, what it does express is better combined into a larger scene later.[quote]

I had more in these scenes but my consultant cut out stuff... so they must be legit, right?

[quote=Tubkas]
48: Here's a good reason to use names over descriptions. You now have cab driver two to distinguish from cab driver one, who I believe drove the cab with Troy. Why not name them? It'll give them from personality. The audience may never know the cabbie's name, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have one.


Y name stock characters?


Quoted from George Willson

49: The conversation between Morbid and Rallins has some funky comma use. Should be: "We have evidence that he is the one." and "I'll take care of McCaine when it's done." No commas in either one.


Will fix thx!


Quoted from George Willson

I also notice you use O.S. on this page as opposed to the O.C. I prefer O.S., myself, but you do need to pick one. This is like my ok/okay indecision (which I plan on using a find and replace to correct).


I explained, my use of O.C. and O.S. above... its mean soemthing def, to me at least

Quoted from George Willson

51: Hm, 626 S. Elwood. I know Elwood is a street in Tulsa. In the highly annoying downtown area, no less. Anyone we know?


Nope lol...just took a random address from my head here in town =p


Quoted from George Willson


59: I liked this sequence (53-59). It was well placed, fit with the overall feel of the story and action, and had a solid emotional end to it. Well done.


Thanks! Even tho you know who the mime was, with the add scenes at the beginning did you feel it will have more of a impact here when she is revealed?


Quoted from George Willson

60: A force ejects Duncan and Ley out of the car. Need more here. Out of which part of the car? Where do they land? Are we to think they survive or not? Curiosities. Sure, a director could figure that out, but it's also nice to know the thoughts of the writer on that.


I see what you are saying.. i had more here, yet again my consultant cut it out...'unecessary'


Quoted from George Willson

61: Seeing the last name of Sarah's mother again, I have to ask (since it's not stated elsewhere), were Troy and Johna divorced? Never married? Was she a women's power type of girl who never gave up her last name? Did she get remarried and take the new guy's last name or is she using her maiden name? What's the deal there? Is Sarah's last name Kneddric or Council? You think people don't wonder about these sorts of things, but these little things fill out one's character and past. Of course that leads to the question of what happened between them, etc. Maybe none of it will appear in the scrpt, but it's something you should know.


I had answered this in draft you read,.. duno if you rmember but.. Troy and her mother never married. Thus "loving mother" at the beginning intead of mother and wife... troy says "You mother was--" instead of referring to his as just She was... Different last names.... clues are there...hopefully it goes with out saying.


Quoted from George Willson

64: We only get a piece of the monkey story flashback before another flashback? You might want to finish one story before beginning another...


I agree after reading it. i fixed it.. so it comes off after sarah's flash

Quoted from George Willson

66: Wha? So she is taken into a lab to practice her psi, which is known to be a very powerful thing that involves moving things around with your mind and such, and they put her next to dangerous chemicals? This sounds like a very contrived way to get her skin burned. Why not just have the collar electrocute her real bad? It's more believable.


Mistakes happen... Zahn answers this later when he said " i've learned from my mistakes with Sarah, i must have it now"

Quoted from George Willson

70: Ok, we finish the monkey story. I feel like Hartley arriving at Hynek's place works before Sarah's flashback, but I don't think the monkey story should start until we can do the whole thing in one sitting.


Monkey story is very real too... it is used at a metaphor for humans by Hynek. Did i make it believable and entertaining to listen to?


Quoted from George Willson

71: You have an action in a wryly. (brings hand to face) should be in an action paragraph of its own, not in a parenthetical.


fixed!



Quoted from George Willson

I'll also note this is a hell of a heady concept for a movie. Concepts like this are difficult to pull off in films, which is one thing that led to the utter failure of the original Ringu sequel entitled Rasen. You have been no where near as talky and complicated as that film was, but I caution you to keep it very simple. Go rent Rasen, though. It'll be a good illustration of a bad way to pull off a theoretical scientific concept in a film. Just be prepared to be mystified in both the good and bad ways. Moving on...


Hell of a heady concept... you elaborate?

Quoted from George Willson

76: I don't think the flashback to Akron's masion is a true flashback. All we're doing is visiting this location as it is since we're looking at pictures.


great point out! i removed flash title.


Quoted from George Willson

77: Hm, this is an interesting addition you've got going on here. I know it wasn't in the earlier drafts. Taking on the Da Vinci Code, huh? Seems a bit lofty, and all this chatter, while interesting, leads me to refer you to give Rasen a viewing to find out why it was dumped and Ringu 2 replaced it.


So it came off too strong of a reason?


Quoted from George Willson

96: The Arkon's Study scene is a little odd. I don't really understand what happened there.


Hidden meaning... he knows Morbid died... They trobles him now. ie "Eye twitches"


Quoted from George Willson

I glaced at Sry's comments above there, and I totally got the "Rice Crispies" line...that was funny.

That's it. Or that's what I got from my read through anyway. Hope it's of some assistance to you.


Thanks you truely did George and I hope I was able to help on Vengeance and your short you are filming.


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First, out of curiosity, who is your consultant? I ask because the world is ripe with people who believe they know everything about everything when they are only one more opinion in a sea of them. You mentioned multiple times that the consultant cut out a lot of stuff that I, personally, would want to see. Granted that I'm no pro at this time, but I did read your script while trying to watch the movie in my head, and I had trouble here and there. I know the director has latitude, but he uses the script as the blueprint to the film he creates.

This is akin to the architect merely drawing the plans but letting the builder figure out were to put some of the pieces he doesn't feel the need to draw. What happens if the architect leaves out some info here and there and just lets the builder fill in the blanks for him? Sure, a good builder will understand the need for a window here and a light there, and maybe the architect doesn't mind letting the vision get a little fuzzy. After all, he's a good builder, and he knows wht he's doing. But now who's fault is it that the second upstairs bedroom doesn't have a window? It wasn't on the plans, and the architect assumed the builder would know well enough to put a window somewhere in that room. Hey, it only makes sense right? And what is there's no light in the kitchen?

I point out minor things within the script that I, personally, think are missing, and if your consultant feels that the target audience (Joel Schumacher?) doesn't need it, that's fine. Like I said, it's another opinion in an ocean full of them.

The heady concept... This means that the information given to explain why EVERYTHING happens is a lot to take in. Not only is there a plethora of information, but some of it is difficult to accept. Does it make sense? Sure, but seances make sense in certain veins as well, but this doesn't mean I was floored by Amityville 3-D. Rasen is really a good example of an explanation too big for the britches of a movie. Imagine getting a big explanation as to why the video kills, why a diary kills, but it doesn't kill, it just rewrites the DNA of the watcher/reader and Sadako wants everyone to see it so everyone gets rewritten and she can live forever...or something. It's a lot more confusing than that. Just be careful not to overkill the explanation. Only tell wat is absolutely necessary for understanding.

Ok, why name stock characters? Why not? How much time will it take to change the name from Cab Driver One to Jerry? This means the actor won't be telling his friends he played cab driver one. No, he played Jerry. You know, the cab driver. It lends a little character to a character who has none. I always go for first and last names, but people complain about that for some reason. I figure if I have a name, why shouldn't everyone? Basically, there's no reason not to.

I caught some of the earlier setups that paid off later. Yeah.

As for the breaks of slugs and dialogue, it just looks lazy. I write most of my scripts in Word, and bfore converting to pdf, I go through every single page looking for improper breaks. Your excuse is merely that. If you're going to present it, make it presentable. Details are what makes a good writer even better.

I do get the mask thing after the light shines from her. I'm gathering that you're using black to offset the eventual light that comes out. But the non-lit mask will just be difficult to make out. I suspect you're trying to avoid that V For Vendetta comparison...

Sarcasm or serious on the wood house thing? It was partly sarcastic, but partly that you said he was in a house in the slug, and then specified later in the scene that it is a wood house, but did it in the midst of action, so it threw me off.


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Quoted from George Willson
First, out of curiosity, who is your consultant? I ask because the world is ripe with people who believe they know everything about everything when they are only one more opinion in a sea of them. You mentioned multiple times that the consultant cut out a lot of stuff that I, personally, would want to see. Granted that I'm no pro at this time, but I did read your script while trying to watch the movie in my head, and I had trouble here and there. I know the director has latitude, but he uses the script as the blueprint to the film he creates.


Kevin MaHoney, he is well connected. You can google him. He used to teach film and script for OU.

If you PM me your number we can meet up and I can show you what he does (at least to my script)

Quoted from George Willson

The heady concept... This means that the information given to explain why EVERYTHING happens is a lot to take in. Not only is there a plethora of information, but some of it is difficult to accept. Does it make sense? Sure, but seances make sense in certain veins as well, but this doesn't mean I was floored by Amityville 3-D. Rasen is really a good example of an explanation too big for the britches of a movie. Imagine getting a big explanation as to why the video kills, why a diary kills, but it doesn't kill, it just rewrites the DNA of the watcher/reader and Sadako wants everyone to see it so everyone gets rewritten and she can live forever...or something. It's a lot more confusing than that. Just be careful not to overkill the explanation. Only tell wat is absolutely necessary for understanding.


I see, thanks for clearing it up for me.

Quoted from George Willson

Ok, why name stock characters? Why not? How much time will it take to change the name from Cab Driver One to Jerry? This means the actor won't be telling his friends he played cab driver one. No, he played Jerry. You know, the cab driver. It lends a little character to a character who has none. I always go for first and last names, but people complain about that for some reason. I figure if I have a name, why shouldn't everyone? Basically, there's no reason not to.


Watch credits on movies.. stock characters are not given names, cuz names ahve to be given to know who they are in dialog. When know who ar are in stock haracter by what the do or represent.

Quoted from George Willson

I caught some of the earlier setups that paid off later. Yeah.

Good deal


Quoted from George Willson

As for the breaks of slugs and dialogue, it just looks lazy. I write most of my scripts in Word, and bfore converting to pdf, I go through every single page looking for improper breaks. Your excuse is merely that. If you're going to present it, make it presentable. Details are what makes a good writer even better.


Hell yea it lazy... im not going thru and changes the whole script just so i dont have break in name and dialog for SS readers, Do you know how many times i update this thing? LOl alot.  Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft and you will see what I mean. Even doggle be does this in druid's guide.

Quoted from George Willson

I do get the mask thing after the light shines from her. I'm gathering that you're using black to offset the eventual light that comes out. But the non-lit mask will just be difficult to make out. I suspect you're trying to avoid that V For Vendetta comparison...

Yep, I had to adjust it to loose the connection...


Quoted from George Willson

Sarcasm or serious on the wood house thing? It was partly sarcastic, but partly that you said he was in a house in the slug, and then specified later in the scene that it is a wood house, but did it in the midst of action, so it threw me off.


hehe =p


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Quoted from JD_OK
Watch credits on movies.. stock characters are not given names, cuz names ahve to be given to know who they are in dialog. When know who ar are in stock haracter by what the do or represent.


Hey, watching movies is what I do more of than anything else. I watched a whopping nine films over the last weekend (that I had not seen previously -- well I've seen Alien 3 before, but not with the extra 45 minutes of footage), so I'm quite familiar with a lot of conventions. However, what I'm referring to is a bit of attention to detail. No, it's not necessary, but really, there's not any reason not to.


Quoted from JD_OK
Hell yea it lazy... im not going thru and changes the whole script just so i dont have break in name and dialog for SS readers, Do you know how many times i update this thing? LOl alot.  Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft and you will see what I mean. Even doggle be does this in druid's guide.


If Dogglebe jumped off a bridge, would you follow?   All but 2 of the scripts I have on SimplyScripts (except the Guardians ones, I think) were written in Word and converted to pdf. I have updated them quite a few times over the time they've been on here, and every time I go through the script prior to posting to page break it properly. Like I said, it's an attention to detail thing, and without it, you just look sloppy.

I looked on IMDB for Kevin Mahoney, and while there are four people with that name, each only has one movie credit, and none are for screenwriting. I am always leery of those who claim authority on a topic they have never actually accomplished, especially one as widespread, yet difficult to achieve, as screenwriting. If this is the case with him, I am just as much an authority as he is. I watch a couple hundred films a year, have written over 60 scripts, can see through the fog of even the worst of scripts here to view their potential and make suggestions for improvement regardless of how crappy the format is, and I've read quite a bit on the necessities of format, terminology, etc. There's a reason I was allowed the privilege of moderating the Screenwriting Class, and that has to do with the kind of information I had been giving out around here prior to getting that. The guy before me WAS produced. He has 8 writing credits on IMDB. That counts a lot more in my mind than any degree or teaching post. The way to become an expert in anything is doing it a lot.

Now, apart from our difference in opinion in regards to how much description of this or that you should have, it looks like he has helped you out a lot in tightening this script down. It is definitely one of the better written scripts on here. Of course, I wish you the best of luck with it.



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Quoted from George Willson
If Dogglebe jumped off a bridge, would you follow?


If I jump off a bridge, I would expect everyone to follow.... because it would be cool.




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Quoted from George Willson

All but 2 of the scripts I have on SimplyScripts (except the Guardians ones, I think) were written in Word and converted to pdf. I have updated them quite a few times over the time they've been on here, and every time I go through the script prior to posting to page break it properly. Like I said, it's an attention to detail thing, and without it, you just look sloppy.


You missed what I said about this, I SAID " Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft "
Meaning, I wrote the script in final draft. Save as rft, then doc the rtf file and then pdf the doc.

Once you convert a final draft file t rtf, you lose a page, becuz the dialog and pages break down transfer over


Quoted from George Willson

I looked on IMDB for Kevin Mahoney, and while there are four people with that name, each only has one movie credit, and none are for screenwriting. I am always leery of those who claim authority on a topic they have never actually accomplished, especially one as widespread, yet difficult to achieve, as screenwriting. If this is the case with him, I am just as much an authority as he is.


I said to google him and you will see his credit, which are not on imdb

http://www.google.com/search?s.....oney%2C+screenwriter

While again, you could be very right. I will see the extent of his connections, within a few weeks, because he is supose to forward my script to his friends. Here are some quotes to what he told me last week.

"]I want to get your script in top condition so I can give it to Mike (Michael J. Di Gaetano).  If he likes it he will give it to Joel Silverman, who specializes in special effects laden films.  They are good friends and have done a few pics together.  I am also thinking about Shane Black, one of my USC students[/b

"[b]That is ok.  I may go ahead and read, but a clean copy is good for Mike. He has written for TV for a long time and wrote Houseguest, the Flintstones, etc.  He is on the Paramount lot with a production deal.  He and I used to write together and he is a great friend.  If the script is in tip-top shape I will also forward to Joel Schumacher, whom I have worked with in the past.  He is good at the sci-fi-fiction scripts.  He is a director.


I'll been working with him since august of 06, he told me at the 1st beginning he had contacts and woudl forward to them once he approved my script. 8 months later.. he is doing it. Of course he could just be blowing smoke up my ass but I will see.

Quoted from George Willson

I watch a couple hundred films a year, have written over 60 scripts, can see through the fog of even the worst of scripts here to view their potential and make suggestions for improvement regardless of how crappy the format is, and I've read quite a bit on the necessities of format, terminology, etc. There's a reason I was allowed the privilege of moderating the Screenwriting Class, and that has to do with the kind of information I had been giving out around here prior to getting that. The guy before me WAS produced. He has 8 writing credits on IMDB. That counts a lot more in my mind than any degree or teaching post. The way to become an expert in anything is doing it a lot.


And you are excellent at it


Quoted from George Willson

Now, apart from our difference in opinion in regards to how much description of this or that you should have, it looks like he has helped you out a lot in tightening this script down. It is definitely one of the better written scripts on here. Of course, I wish you the best of luck with it.


Yep very true, again I would like to show you sometime in person! Thanks and wish luck on your projects aswell my friend.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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George Willson
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Quoted from dogglebe
If I jump off a bridge, I would expect everyone to follow.... because it would be cool.


Hehe. I was hoping you'd see that.


Quoted from JD_OK
You missed what I said about this, I SAID " Do a covert to fdr to rft in final draft "
Meaning, I wrote the script in final draft. Save as rft, then doc the rtf file and then pdf the doc.

Once you convert a final draft file t rtf, you lose a page, becuz the dialog and pages break down transfer over


I actually have Final Draft, and I guess what's throwing me off there is why you'd convert to rtf before saving as a pdf anyway. Final Draft has a save as pdf function.

I hope your connections through him work out. It's nice to see someone get somewhere in tis business.

And thanks for the compliment. I do what I can around here.


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mgj
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You've gotten alot of feedback since I last posted my review.  Hopefully none of this feels too redundant.  I'll try to focus my review on the changes you've made.  It has been a little while since I read your previous draft so my memory might be a bit hazy in spots but I'll do my best.  

Here goes:

I like how you've rearranged the sequence of events at the beginning of your story.  If I recall correctly you've introduced your main character (Troy) a little earlier than before - either that or you've condensed things - I'm not too sure which.  Either way, I think this is a good idea since it establishes an emotional link right away with the audience.  

I see you've played up the religeous angle quite a bit more in this one.  Adding a spiritual explanation to his ability is a unique aspect of your script that, as far as I know, has never been done before.  On this topic - I might  lose the DaVinci Code reference; I've always found referencing other movies to be a bit cheesey.  This is a personal thing though.

I think the religeous aspect ties in well with the main arc of your story which, of course, is Troy.  He lost his wife, his daughter is estranged and he's searching for meaning in his life as he grapples with this newfound ability and his place in the world.  Perhaps you could add a scene at the end that somehow ties this all together.  Somehow convey that Troy has embraced his newfound powers and has accepted his fate - a sense of ordained purpose now.   I think this is what you were hinting at.

I mentioned in my original post that I liked the element of shielding you introduced as a way to combat the psi.  It makes our superhero, and in this case villian as well, vulnerable.  Since you introduced it, why not have it come into play at some point.  It feels like an opportunity missed.  Hartley knows how to defend herself now.  At some point she should be called upon to use it.

I was a little unclear about the intentions of the car crash with the abulence that burst into flames.  Was this just a random accident?  How does it tie into the story?  Perhaps you could clarify this.

As well, I'm a little unclear about Sarah's motivation.  If she's the mime then why was she breaking into the lab at the beginning (I'm  guessing to erase the past?)  I take it she's possessed - but why and how  did this happen?  

Your writing style is very concise and efficient although there are a fair number of story elements you're juggling here (spirituality, science fact and fiction, posession to name a few).  In truth it made it a little difficult - not necessarily to follow but to piece everything together.

This leads me to my point that there may be one too many villians introduced in your story.  Morbid seems like a henchman and Zahn is a bit of a mad scientist who has his own selfish interests.  In fact he doesn't seem to have any ties to Arkon at all who, I assume, is the one pulling the strings.  

File this under suggestion but..

It might be beneficial to turn Zahn into an allie of Troy.  Perhaps they had a falling out but he's seen the light now and wants to help make things right.  He can be a sort of spiritual guide.  Again - just an idea but there are a fair number of baddies coming at Troy from several different directions it seems.  Really for the story to be linear, the opposition should come from the same, single source.

Onto your action descriptions.  I think they're very concise and effecient to a fault.  You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum here.  While I tend to be too long-winded, you offer us the bare-bones which in theory is what a spec script should do but I just think it would read smoother if you let your personality shine through a little more.  Throw in the odd word or sentence every now and again just because it sounds good.  You don't have to take any of this to heart but maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as you write.

To me the most interesting aspects of your script were the parts dealing with the scientific and spiritual explanation for Troy's power.  This challenges the viewer and brings him into the story.  Overall I think this new draft is an improvement but like I said there is alot going on with your story.  It's very ambitious and at times it threatens to get ahead of itself.  

Hope this helps.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 9th, 2007, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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hey, JD_OK,

I've been noticing that you've redrafted this work a couple of times. I didn't have time before to read this as a result of school but since I have a week vacation which has started now I'm planning to dedicate time on this. So, hear are some comments:

I've read a good somewhat 20 pgs of this work and I really like what you have done with this. Your story development is good. It's very consistent for the most part. The only problems I see is Morbid and Marc, Morbid's companion. Morbid is intelligent enough to wipe out a team of marines hidden in the forest at the beginning, yet he allows his companion to die by not realizing that Marc is not to be allowed in Arkon's place. I understand that Marc is used as a device to show Arkon's power but it questions Morbid's intelligence, something that after reading a few pages, is quite up their along with Arkon. He doesn't seem to be a guy to commit that simple mistake.

Another problem I had was the whole "Quantum Mechanics" sequence. You repeat that slugline alot even when the action takes place inside the facility but just in a different part of the facility. Why don't you try using second headings for the scenes that take place in different parts of the facilities?

Another one is at the first page of the script, you repeat Troy three times in the beginning of your sentences. I suggest you vary that part by using "he". You could use the name Troy but just don't repeat it again and again. Give some space in between.

This is all I came up with. More will come later.

Gabe      


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
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Quoted from mgj


I like how you've rearranged the sequence of events at the beginning of your story.  If I recall correctly you've introduced your main character (Troy) a little earlier than before - either that or you've condensed things - I'm not too sure which.  Either way, I think this is a good idea since it establishes an emotional link right away with the audience.


Thanks. Yea I have changed the beginning so many times. I think i might have gotten it right this time.  

Did you feel introducing Sarah at the beginning helped for emotional impacted when revealed? On that note introducing her at the beginning make her easy pick for who is the "mime"  

Quoted from mgj

I see you've played up the religeous angle quite a bit more in this one.  Adding a spiritual explanation to his ability is a unique aspect of your script that, as far as I know, has never been done before.  On this topic - I might  lose the DaVinci Code reference; I've always found referencing other movies to be a bit cheesey.  This is a personal thing though.


Thank you for taking notice. The theory is all mine and my imagination. I think it is possible how I strung it all together.

Did you feel it would make you believe in its possibilties?

Quoted from mgj


I think the religeous aspect ties in well with the main arc of your story which, of course, is Troy.  He lost his wife, his daughter is estranged and he's searching for meaning in his life as he grapples with this newfound ability and his place in the world.  Perhaps you could add a scene at the end that somehow ties this all together.  Somehow convey that Troy has embraced his newfound powers and has accepted his fate - a sense of ordained purpose now.   I think this is what you were hinting at.


I glad this came across more, then my previous drafts. I was hurdled by not making th read char more for Troy. I think I cleared it up.


Quoted from mgj

I mentioned in my original post that I liked the element of shielding you introduced as a way to combat the psi.  It makes our superhero, and in this case villian as well, vulnerable.  Since you introduced it, why not have it come into play at some point.  It feels like an opportunity missed.  Hartley knows how to defend herself now.  At some point she should be called upon to use it.


i understand where you are coming from. but they really isnt any clear way for me to state this to be scene. I do it with dr zahn when the gun flies understand his chin. But since it cant be actually seen one someone is shielding. I would have to state it in dialog.

And when Mime vs Troy vs Morbid none can do direct "psi attack" to eithers body.

Quoted from mgj

I was a little unclear about the intentions of the car crash with the abulence that burst into flames.  Was this just a random accident?  How does it tie into the story?  Perhaps you could clarify this.


This is a hint at Sarah escape. The body bags burn to ashes. They just give her a headstone and assume her body burned in the crash.

None is this is stated, you just assume by the situation and then confiirmed when Sarah ressurects in the ambulance. There are hints there that she escaped.. you would have to be real clever to spot.

I state earlier when sarah rescues Troy from duncan and Ley in the car, a force ejects them from the car. Thus not killing them.  The cop at the ambulance accident scenes states in dialog. "the drivers wereejected, and we got them before the explosions" He tells this to Stahl.


Quoted from mgj

As well, I'm a little unclear about Sarah's motivation.  If she's the mime then why was she breaking into the lab at the beginning (I'm  guessing to erase the past?)  I take it she's possessed - but why and how  did this happen?  


One thing. She isnt possessed. She had split personality. This happen becuz of the drug induced to her during the holding room. The freak accident awakened the depression and power she made herself forget , she didnt want it(stated at the confession)

Since there is only a voice talking to her that she remembers. She breaks into the Quantum Mechanics to get the file. After she reads it. She finds out who did it to her which was Zahn.

Quoted from mgj

Your writing style is very concise and efficient although there are a fair number of story elements you're juggling here (spirituality, science fact and fiction, posession to name a few).  In truth it made it a little difficult - not necessarily to follow but to piece everything together.


Thanks. I'm glad you took notice to the elements I have involved here. All correct but the posession


Quoted from mgj

This leads me to my point that there may be one too many villians introduced in your story.  Morbid seems like a henchman and Zahn is a bit of a mad scientist who has his own selfish interests.  In fact he doesn't seem to have any ties to Arkon at all who, I assume, is the one pulling the strings.  


I guess this is a personal favorite for me. When a movies hero, has alot of different forces working against him/her and has to over come he bombardment of obstacles.

They still have Arkon to worry about.



Quoted from mgj

It might be beneficial to turn Zahn into an allie of Troy.  Perhaps they had a falling out but he's seen the light now and wants to help make things right.  He can be a sort of spiritual guide.  Again - just an idea but there are a fair number of baddies coming at Troy from several different directions it seems.  Really for the story to be linear, the opposition should come from the same, single source.


Noted.. Ill ask them among other feedback reviewers

Quoted from mgj

Onto your action descriptions.  I think they're very concise and effecient to a fault.  You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum here.  While I tend to be too long-winded, you offer us the bare-bones which in theory is what a spec script should do but I just think it would read smoother if you let your personality shine through a little more.  Throw in the odd word or sentence every now and again just because it sounds good.  You don't have to take any of this to heart but maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as you write.


Oh, no. It is okay. I understand what you mean. trust me i did at one time have more to it. But When I sent off my draft to my consultant, alot of my adds are removed... deemed unecessary. So We'll see.


Quoted from mgj

To me the most interesting aspects of your script were the parts dealing with the scientific and spiritual explanation for Troy's power.  This challenges the viewer and brings him into the story.  Overall I think this new draft is an improvement but like I said there is alot going on with your story.  It's very ambitious and at times it threatens to get ahead of itself.  

Hope this helps.


Great, I hope you enjoyed much more then b4 and was everything else clear to you?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  March 10th, 2007, 1:12pm
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
hey, JD_OK,

I've been noticing that you've redrafted this work a couple of times. I didn't have time before to read this as a result of school but since I have a week vacation which has started now I'm planning to dedicate time on this. So, hear are some comments:


Thanks man, and of course you got me when needed.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I've read a good somewhat 20 pgs of this work and I really like what you have done with this. Your story development is good. It's very consistent for the most part.


Thanks, it has taking sometime to achieve this with the 1st act, which I had doing with past drafts.

Do you thin 1st 20 pages, is 2much or just right to build the characters and relationships without giving anything away?


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

The only problems I see is Morbid and Marc, Morbid's companion. Morbid is intelligent enough to wipe out a team of marines hidden in the forest at the beginning, yet he allows his companion to die by not realizing that Marc is not to be allowed in Arkon's place. I understand that Marc is used as a device to show Arkon's power but it questions Morbid's intelligence, something that after reading a few pages, is quite up their along with Arkon. He doesn't seem to be a guy to commit that simple mistake.


Let me give you a lil metaphor that can prolly answer this dilema. Given you just may right with the given scenario.

Morbid has the power to kill anyone who isnt shielding themselves, with ease, like children stomping on roaches. Doesnt require much intellect to kill when you are a greater force.

You are right tho, marc is there to die to show Arkon's dominance. I will see if I can come up with something to its more clear way for the "mistake"


Quoted from Mr.Ripley


Another problem I had was the whole "Quantum Mechanics" sequence. You repeat that slugline alot even when the action takes place inside the facility but just in a different part of the facility. Why don't you try using second headings for the scenes that take place in different parts of the facilities?


Ill check on this. great question.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Another one is at the first page of the script, you repeat Troy three times in the beginning of your sentences. I suggest you vary that part by using "he". You could use the name Troy but just don't repeat it again and again. Give some space in between.

This is all I came up with. More will come later.

Gabe      


yes, I do this on purpose. I did have a one time He....she...but again my consultant told me to name the person if not referred to in a linking paragraph. But If my lines are seperate which call for shot/action. I stated the persons name for clarity.

Thanks! Looking forward to rest of your report!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Mr.Ripley
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Quoted Text
thanks it has taking sometime to achieve this with the 1st act, which I had doing with past drafts.

I understnad since I'm experiencing with my new draft of the Director. But congrats on  having an improved script.


Quoted Text
Do you thin 1st 20 pages, is 2much or just right to build the characters and relationships without giving anything away?

IMO, I think it's enough. Troy is portrayed as somebody whose troubled by the past. His daughter is revealed as someone who hates her father but who soon comes, in the few pages I've read more of, to understand Troy's troubled past. The detectives try to solve a case and possibly a romance can be started with Hartley. Arkon is the protector of this power and Morbid his sidekick. So I think yeah.


Quoted Text
Morbid has the power to kill anyone who isnt shielding themselves, with ease, like children stomping on roaches. Doesnt require much intellect to kill when you are a greater force.


I disagree otherwise since look at the scene with Troy at the bar. I understand they have extraordinary mind power but it requires somesort of wisdom or basic human knowledge that advises them to when move a certain direction or when to pick up a bad vibe. Another scene is with the MIME at the beginning who murders those marines.  

I read farther into the pgs and I am enjoying it so far. I wonder what will happen next.    

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
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Quoted from JD_OK


Did you feel introducing Sarah at the beginning helped for emotional impacted when revealed? On that note introducing her at the beginning make her easy pick for who is the "mime"  



No, I don't think it's obvious that Sarah is the mime.  Even though the connections might seem obvious to you, there's alot going on in your story, enough to keep the viewer distracted, I think.



Quoted from JD_OK

Thank you for taking notice. The theory is all my and my imagination. I think it is possible how I strung it all together.

Did you feel it would make you believe in its possibilties?


It does follow a certain logic, so yes - it is possible, at least in the 'reel' world.



Quoted from JD_OK

This is a hint at Sarah escape. The body bags burn to ashes. They just give her a headstone and assume her body burned in the crash.

None is this is stated, you just assume by the situation and then confiirmed when Sarah ressurects in the ambulance. There are hints there that she escaped.. you would have to be real clever to spot.


I can appreciate you wanting to maintain an air of mystery surrounding Sarah's fate but I think it's a little too vague.  Perhaps have one of the officers on the scene mention that Sarah's body was never recovered - drop the audience a little hint.



Quoted from JD_OK

One thing. She isnt possessed. She had split personality. This happen becuz of the drug induced to her during the holding room. The freak accident awakened the depression and power she made herself forget , she didnt want it(stated at the confession)

Since there is only a voice talking to her that she remembers. She breaks into the Quantum Mechanics to get the file. After she reads it. She finds out who did it to her which was Zahn.



I would strongly suggest you incorporate your above explanation into the script.  Remember - you, the author, have a much more intimate understanding of your script than the audience ever will.  What seems obvious to you might not to someone else.  



Quoted from JD_OK

Great, I hope you enjoyed much more then b4 and was everything else clear to you?


Yes, everything else was clear to me.  I would say Sarah was the main focus of my confusion.  Maybe just state her intentions and motivations more clearly up front.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Rice Grenades
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Hey, not completely sure who wrote this, but it's a good read so far. I've read 20 pages, because it's impossible for me to read an entire feature in one sitting.

Obviously this is turning out to be a very violent script, but it's interesting.

Please don't take offense to my lack of knowledge for reviewing screenplays, it's just something I'm not too great at.

Your script has caught my attention early on, which is good, because in this screenplay book I read, it's always best to start your story with a bang, which it did. Literally...

I'm excited to continue reading this later on tonight.

Oh, and there are a few minor grammatical errors here and there. Nothing big.
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Quoted from Rice Grenades
Hey, not completely sure who wrote this, but it's a good read so far. I've read 20 pages, because it's impossible for me to read an entire feature in one sitting.

Obviously this is turning out to be a very violent script, but it's interesting.

Please don't take offense to my lack of knowledge for reviewing screenplays, it's just something I'm not too great at.

Your script has caught my attention early on, which is good, because in this screenplay book I read, it's always best to start your story with a bang, which it did. Literally...

I'm excited to continue reading this later on tonight.

Oh, and there are a few minor grammatical errors here and there. Nothing big.



hey welcome to the boards! I'm the author in my ever evolving screenplay

Thanks, I'm glad I'm about to grab your attention! Your review seems fine so far and I'm sure you will even  enjoy the rest of my story. Looking forward to your thoughts and I will return the favor whenever you have material that needs reviewing.

Eeveryone appreciates honest feedback. So give negative thoughts or positive just be sure to give your reasons.

MGJ- Thanks for the feedback and I will think carefully on things you have mentioned!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Rice Grenades
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Hey, it's me again JD!

It's still packing action, and the story is becoming even more intense and interesting. I love it! There were much less grammatical errors on page 20-39, but it still had a couple in your descriptions. Once again, no big deal.

I like how your characters are developing.

One problem I had is the bar fight. It kind of got REALLY confusing for me, and I got totally lost. I had to re-read that part once over to actually get a clue of what the heck was going on.

I'm excited to find out what happens in the next 20 pages!

Thank you for providing me with some entertainment for tonight. This is truly, a wonderful screenplay. No wonder it's gotten so many replies! : )

The next part of my review should be coming soon.
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Rice Grenades
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Hello again! Another part of my review coming at cha'!

Once again, there are minor grammatical errors scattered throughout page 40-59. I'll give you an example of what I continue to see throughout your screenplay.

PAGE 51: Hartley's shakes her head.

MAJOR STORY SPOILERS BELOW:

Wow, I didn't expect Sarah to be the Mime. I'm not really sure if this is really Sarah, perhaps it is someone posing as her to trick Troy. I'm not really sure yet, you have me fooled!

There is also a small formatting problem that I continue to notice. You have a name at the very bottom of the page, then the dialogue below. Maybe if you re-write this that problem will be fixed.

Now things are heating up, and to tell you the truth I love it. Morbid and Troy are going to have a showdown, I can feel it!

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Quoted from Rice Grenades


PAGE 51: Hartley's shakes her head.

Wow thanks, I misse that one big time. I ahve corrected most of the commonmistakes you have mentioned/saw. But that one was still there and I thank you!


Quoted from Rice Grenades

MAJOR STORY SPOILERS BELOW:

Wow, I didn't expect Sarah to be the Mime. I'm not really sure if this is really Sarah, perhaps it is someone posing as her to trick Troy. I'm not really sure yet, you have me fooled!


Great! This is really good to hear since, you are a FRESH reader. It is her. I was worried about the beginning that i might be given her away too much, but yet others have stated its not that obvious and like mgj said " you have alot of things to distact from that".

I'm glad it came off with the twist.


Quoted from Rice Grenades


There is also a small formatting problem that I continue to notice. You have a name at the very bottom of the page, then the dialogue below. Maybe if you re-write this that problem will be fixed.


I'm aware of these, unfortunately. This is from converting my final draft format to rtf then to pdf, so most reader can view it here. Its only like there here. Not on actual script.


Quoted from Rice Grenades

Now things are heating up, and to tell you the truth I love it. Morbid and Troy are going to have a showdown, I can feel it!



Good good! I hope I keep the surprises coming for ya... becuz they're still coming!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  March 13th, 2007, 1:45am
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James McClung
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pg. 23 - There is a strange blank in Rallins line. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but it's very bizarre. I'd take a look at it.

pg. 28 - I still don't know about this scene with Stahl choking. I understand that he's chewing gum and it's supposed to be vague whether he choked on it or it was Kneddic's doing but as I said before, Kneddic wouldn't want to draw attention to himself. If you want to offer your reader/viewer two ways to interpret the scene, you have to make sure both of them make sense. I still don't think Kneddic choking Stahl makes sense.

Nevertheless, if you’re really keen on keeping it, I suppose you could have it be Kneddic’s doing but have Stahl, himself, dismiss it as the gum. That would work better, I think. If I were you, I'd just cut it out and move on but that's just me. Your call.

pg. 30 – You mention Kneddic has no plugs run into him. For the most part, scripts should mention things that happen, not things that don’t. Granted, there’re exceptions but I don’t think this is one of them.

pg. 40 – “Stahl waits, smoking a cigarette while he stands next to his car.” Judging from your comments in the thread in Screenwriting Class, I think you might want to rephrase this. You know what to do.

pg. 69 – “Scientists show the young female monkey how to wash it, before eating the melon.” This can be rephrased as well.

- “I’ll give you the short version.” That’s what Hynek says to Hartley in response her asking who Arkon is. Yet he takes an awful long time to get to Arkon. More than ten pages worth of monologue. This is a huge problem, even when it’s intercut with other goings on. You’d be hard pressed to find a moviegoer with this kind of attention span. Hell, it’s probably damn near impossible.

With that said, you got to cut down on his monologue big time. The monkey story is completely inconsequential. Get rid of it. Your definition for quantum physics as well. No one really needs to know what it is. The history stays, as it’s vital to Akron’s back story, but you go off needlessly on numerous tangents, in one instance even referencing the Da Vinci Code, and, at times, become downright repetitive, namely in regards to Hynek explaining everyone’s ability to harness psi. You only need to say it once. In short, stay on topic.

pg. 78 – “There are many levels of psi for what a person could do with time.”

- No need to go over shielding again. Elaborating changes little.

pg. 80 – “He rests in the back seat drinking from a liquor bottle.” Rephrase.

pg. 100 – “Sarah sits up out of the body bag, gasping for air.” Rephrase.

I must say this read much better this time around. You took the time to build a back story for Kneddic and develop his character. I think this paid off. Hartley and Stahl are still a little flat but I definitely registered a dash of charisma in both of them that wasn't there before.

You also took my advice and went with Mr. Morbid as your main baddie, even though it's really Arkon pulling the strings. Nevertheless, it worked. I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story.

Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.


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JD_OK
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Quoted from James McClung
pg. 23 - There is a strange blank in Rallins line. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but it's very bizarre. I'd take a look at it.


This is due to fina draft fdr format cconvert to rft then to pdf. My direct pdf doesnt work

Quoted from James McClung



Nevertheless, if you�re really keen on keeping it, I suppose you could have it be Kneddic�s doing but have Stahl, himself, dismiss it as the gum. That would work better, I think. If I were you, I'd just cut it out and move on but that's just me. Your call.


Good suggestion. Noted.

pg. 30 � You mention Kneddic has no plugs run into him. For the most part, scripts should mention things that happen, not things that don�t. Granted, there�re exceptions but I don�t think this is one of them.[/quote]

I did this for a purpose. when laying in a patient bed and wearing a gown. If i dont take there arent any plugs, I would assume there are some. Which I later so when Kent, i take he has breathing tubes and what not.

For Troy this is a factor becuz we know he got shit beat out of him by Morbid yet he looks fine in the hospital.

Quoted from James McClung

pg. 40 � �Stahl waits, smoking a cigarette while he stands next to his car.� Judging from your comments in the thread in Screenwriting Class, I think you might want to rephrase this. You know what to do.


This one and the rest you pointed out are correctly in ACTIVE form. But I do appreciate you pointing these out if they werent.

Waits is my verb.


Quoted from James McClung

- �I�ll give you the short version.� That�s what Hynek says to Hartley in response her asking who Arkon is. Yet he takes an awful long time to get to Arkon. More than ten pages worth of monologue. This is a huge problem, even when it�s intercut with other goings on. You�d be hard pressed to find a moviegoer with this kind of attention span. Hell, it�s probably damn near impossible.


She asked what is happing 1st, arkon second.

length- I will look into this with other reviews and ask what they thought on it.

Quoted from James McClung

The monkey story is completely inconsequential. Get rid of it. Your definition for quantum physics as well. No one really needs to know what it is. The history stays, as it�s vital to Akron�s back story, but you go off needlessly on numerous tangents, in one instance even referencing the Da Vinci Code, and, at times, become downright repetitive, namely in regards to Hynek explaining everyone�s ability to harness psi. You only need to say it once. In short, stay on topic.


I disagree at this point in time. The Monkey story i used as a metaphor for your average reader to understand learned behavior. That humans can be tought this gift if someone was to show us human like the scientist to the monkey. And this monkey story is fact, not fiction.


Quoted from James McClung


- No need to go over shielding again. Elaborating changes little.


I did this for clarity since troy the subject told her this. Its her validatin it so to speak.
But I see what you could draw this conclusion of being repetitive.


Quoted from James McClung


I must say this read much better this time around. You took the time to build a back story for Kneddic and develop his character. I think this paid off. Hartley and Stahl are still a little flat but I definitely registered a dash of charisma in both of them that wasn't there before.


Thanks! Yea 4 drafts to get the intro right it sames. For the most part everyone is liking the intro for character backstory.

Far as Stahl and hartley, what else might you think they need to get there?

Quoted from James McClung

You also took my advice and went with Mr. Morbid as your main baddie, even though it's really Arkon pulling the strings. Nevertheless, it worked. I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story.


Sure did! I'm glad it came across better and worked for you!

Quoted from James McClung

Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.


It is a struggle rewriting/rethinking and feedback is a great help. It is much appreciated!

Side note

How did the new action scenes come aross to you? Troy at the guerilla camp and the show down Troy/Sarah vs Morbid?

Was Hynek exposition interesting enough?
Did the theories pull you in or just like "okay, whatever"?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Quoted from JD_OK
Far as Stahl and hartley, what else might you think they need to get there?


A little more charisma. Perhaps some people might think it's cheesy but I thought the gay jokes worked. It made for some good chemistry between the two and made them seem more like real people and not cop cliches. You might also give them a little backstory. There're minor characters so you wouldn't have to give them much. Many just something about how they became cops. In general, anything to differentiate them from each other. There should be a Stahl and a Hartley, not just a pairing of the two.


Quoted from JD_OK
How did the new action scenes come aross to you? Troy at the guerilla camp and the show down Troy/Sarah vs Morbid?

Was Hynek exposition interesting enough?
Did the theories pull you in or just like "okay, whatever"?


Troy at the guerilla camp reminded me of the original opening with the knives flying all over the place. Not much different except the circumstances. No worries though. Your action scenes in the last draft I read worked well for me. However, I really dug this showdown with Morbid. Nunchucks rule! 'Nuff said. I don't know why they don't appear in more mainstream action movies. It's a shame really. Spiked hammers too? Awesome!

As for Hynek, although his role was mainly to act as a catalyst for Arkon's backstory, I liked his character. He made a great recluse. I also liked the mystery you built around his character early on.

I enjoyed your theories as well. A good mix of science and spirituality. History and religion rarely find their way into this kind of material. I found it refreshing and thought it really brought something new to the table.

All in all, I thought your additions brought a lot of new layers to your story and made it a much more interesting read.


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Thanks for your input and feedback on the questions. Again thank you!


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Hey JD, i apologize in advance for not responding as quickly as I had been. But I had some personal things that I was working on the last day or so. Here's the 4th part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

Again, there were more errors.

On page 70- The Scientists look perplex.

I started to become lost at the whole talks about the monkies, and the changing scenes with Troy and Sarah, then the scenes with Hynek. It kept jumping back and forth, and had no indicators whatsover. I'm not sure if this is a formatting rule, but it just made these twenty pages a difficult read.

As I read, I can picture what is going on in my head perfectly. I'm so surprised that this hasn't been picked up by any studios or anything along those lines.

I must say that this is a really great script so far, and as I read towards the end my blood is pumping. You've created something here, something great! Just like the power of psi! : )

I'll try and finish the last 20 pages tonight, JD!

It's great.

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Quoted from Rice Grenades
Hey JD, i apologize in advance for not responding as quickly as I had been. But I had some personal things that I was working on the last day or so. Here's the 4th part of my review for Newton's Cradle.


I understand brother! Shizzle happen! I appreciate your time when you can give it.


Quoted from Rice Grenades

Again, there were more errors.

On page 70-


I have recently (like yesterday) uploaded new typos free version. id you reload of usen old downloaded version?

Also whats wrong with "The Scientists look perplex." ?


Quoted from Rice Grenades

I started to become lost at the whole talks about the monkies, and the changing scenes with Troy and Sarah, then the scenes with Hynek. It kept jumping back and forth, and had no indicators whatsover. I'm not sure if this is a formatting rule, but it just made these twenty pages a difficult read.


I do have a heading indicator... INTERCUT

Quoted from Rice Grenades

As I read, I can picture what is going on in my head perfectly. I'm so surprised that this hasn't been picked up by any studios or anything along those lines.


Well I just released this version beginning of this month and its the best so far. I'm getting the script sent to some major producers by a contact within a few weeks. So hopefully they like it too!

I will will let everyone know negative or positive review I get back from them.


Quoted from Rice Grenades

I must say that this is a really great script so far, and as I read towards the end my blood is pumping. You've created something here, something great! Just like the power of psi! : )

I'll try and finish the last 20 pages tonight, JD!

It's great.



Thanks! Psi is real, you can google it.I just came up with a story revolving it and stretching its possibilities!

I'll tell you though. I've been writing on this story for almost 2 years. Took my like 10months to finish the 1st draft, back in august 06 when i finished it and posted here. It was quickly ripped apart but somethin was there. By much feedback and working with a real professional screenwriter consultant, I was able to forge what it is today and I tell ya, Writing is rethinking. Your 1st draft of a story is just a sort of blue print, for many drafts on making it great!

Hopefully some people wil pick up what I have done with my in terms of rethinking and  rewriting their current scripts. For the better. Not just cutting and changing dialogue.

Look forward to last overall comments! Ever need help just ask.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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I apologize for my errors on the last part of the review. I must've just missed the indicator somewhere. Alright, here is the final part of my review for Newton's Cradle.

This was the greatest final pages I've ever read. I was touched emotionally by how it ended so well. Your screenplay is one of the greatest ones I have read in my time. I can definately see this in theaters in four or five years.

The twists and turns were amazing, your character development was just as great, and your descriptions had everything playing out in my mind the entire reading process.

I felt like I didn't know much about Morbid, because he was unknown the entire script. All I knew was that he was very religious, and worked with Arkon. Maybe if you re-wrote this, you could include his history.

Or maybe if you write a sequal you could include it. Just a suggestion.

Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like.

Thank you for a good read, JD!
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I have just finished reading Newton's Cradle, and I am in awe.



Warning, contains a number of spoilers:







MAN that was an incredible story.  I loved the first sequence starting with Morbid almost killing Troy, only to see it as a dream for Troy.  The detail in each battle scene was amazing, and seeing how Troy transends from a drunk, to a teacher, to a hero was incredible.  

The Mime was definitely, and I am not over-exaggerating when I say this, the best supernatural killer in anything I've ever read or seen.  And his/her true identity left me blown away.  How Sarah was burnt up and revealed to have supernatural powers like her father Troy turned her into this multi-personality Mime created by Dr. Zahn was a brilliant plot twist.  Honestly, I hadn't expected to even see Sarah again after she was greeted by her boyfriend at the restaurant.

Stahl and Hartley were great supporting characters.  I love how Stahl was so against Troy in the beginning only to be on Troy's side after everything occuring.  I was actually scared from when Duncan shot Stahl, I was thinking "Why Stahl?!  Why him?!"  But was quickly relieved when I found out he was wearing a vest.

Morbid was I think, easy to tell that he was a secondary antagonist, apart from Zahn, but he was an incredible bad guy.  Your fight scene with Morbid and Sarah, along with Troy would already be an amazing fight scene for any movie.

Finally, the last couple of pages were scenes I could honestly see in my mind, and it felt so emotional, so professional.  You can really picture Troy at the graves while we go back to Stahl and Kent, Jordan and Hartley, Arkon and his men, and back to Troy.  A pure and utter masterpiece is all I have to say.

My only suggestion is...make a sequal bud.  This is probably the best script I have EVER read, the ending with Arkon sending his men after Troy, and secretly with Sarah would be perfect for the makings of a sequal.  But again, AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.  


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Mr.Ripley
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hey JD_Ok,

I got to finish the script. Sorry for the length of time that it took me to read it. I enjoyed it. It's improved tremendously. I can tell a sequel might be in development but it's up to your decision if u want to do so. The fighting scenes appeared pretty good as I imagined while reading it. I didn't find much wrong with anything in this portion. Congrats.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Rice Grenades
I apologize for my errors on the last part of the review. I must've just missed the indicator somewhere. Alright, here is the final part of my review for Newton's Cradle.


its coo!

Quoted from Rice Grenades

This was the greatest final pages I've ever read. I was touched emotionally by how it ended so well. Your screenplay is one of the greatest ones I have read in my time. I can definately see this in theaters in four or five years.

The twists and turns were amazing, your character development was just as great, and your descriptions had everything playing out in my mind the entire reading process.

I felt like I didn't know much about Morbid, because he was unknown the entire script. All I knew was that he was very religious, and worked with Arkon. Maybe if you re-wrote this, you could include his history.


Wow, thanks for teh comments!

Far as Morbid - I didnt wanna stray to far from the story. he i a basic bad ass henchman!

But I did put in what was driving him and that was to get more knowledge for the scripture scrolls of psi. I hoped it was enough.


Quoted from Rice Grenades

Or maybe if you write a sequal you could include it. Just a suggestion.


Sequel was always intended with this story.

Quoted from Rice Grenades

Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like.

Thank you for a good read, JD!


Appreciate your overall review!  

Anythin you didnt like?  Any negative feedback? Good always welcomed but negative helps make better if u have some.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad


MAN that was an incredible story.  I loved the first sequence starting with Morbid almost killing Troy, only to see it as a dream for Troy.  The detail in each battle scene was amazing, and seeing how Troy transends from a drunk, to a teacher, to a hero was incredible.  


I'm glad you were able to grasp all I put out and acknowledge it!

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad


The Mime was definitely, and I am not over-exaggerating when I say this, the best supernatural killer in anything I've ever read or seen.  And his/her true identity left me blown away.  How Sarah was burnt up and revealed to have supernatural powers like her father Troy turned her into this multi-personality Mime created by Dr. Zahn was a brilliant plot twist.  Honestly, I hadn't expected to even see Sarah again after she was greeted by her boyfriend at the restaurant.


Excellent! I'm glad it blow u away. I was worried about giving her away too soon. Mmy previous drafts she didnt appeal at on til the reveal. Dialogue alone hinted at a daughter.

Honestly she is my favorite character. She is will be more main char in sequel.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

Stahl and Hartley were great supporting characters.  I love how Stahl was so against Troy in the beginning only to be on Troy's side after everything occuring.  I was actually scared from when Duncan shot Stahl, I was thinking "Why Stahl?!  Why him?!"  But was quickly relieved when I found out he was wearing a vest.


Great! yea i didnt wanna kill off the black guy hehe, just make it look that way for a second =\. He improved alot from previous drafts. he was white, ha. and all they ggay references werent there b4.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad


Morbid was I think, easy to tell that he was a secondary antagonist, apart from Zahn, but he was an incredible bad guy.  Your fight scene with Morbid and Sarah, along with Troy would already be an amazing fight scene for any movie.


Thanks, I really had to go back and try to make each one different. Opening scene show alil of the power but more of less cast shadows on who the mime was. Troy used knives aswell, but the morbid had the white light.

But I so wanted weps. So I had to give a reason wh weps are used. It subtle. But whenever they arent physically holding something, they wep can not be taken away/ broke, becuz of shielding. Thus is why u see knifes shatter while in flight or dropped.

And of course numbchucks is such a great great weps,  yet like others have mentioned.. they arent in any other movies these days, so it adds for more of a impact for the male hugry wep fight scene.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad


Finally, the last couple of pages were scenes I could honestly see in my mind, and it felt so emotional, so professional.  You can really picture Troy at the graves while we go back to Stahl and Kent, Jordan and Hartley, Arkon and his men, and back to Troy.  A pure and utter masterpiece is all I have to say.


Thank u for expressing this and how it made u feel. That was my intentions for it to emotional felt ending for father and daughter. And the poem I found helped express it further.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

My only suggestion is...make a sequal bud.  This is probably the best script I have EVER read, the ending with Arkon sending his men after Troy, and secretly with Sarah would be perfect for the makings of a sequal.  But again, AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.  


Its will come sooner or later, once I get this one sold. Thanks again! Be sure to check out other great scripts here!


Mr ripley - hey thanks for the read and I look forward to reading the director and offering some good feedback on it! And u was right back when u read it last. I still had work to do, and I'm still going to work at it!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  March 16th, 2007, 1:49pm
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bert
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This is not an official return from hiatus (though I am drawing ever closer).

But I've been working too hard, the house is quiet (rare!), I got a few brews in the fridge (OK, not so rare...), and I was in the mood to read something.  And comment.  Plus, this script is an old debt I've been lax in clearing.

That, and it is always fun to give feedback to somebody who actually listens -- then plows whatever they think is useful right back into their script.  So the stars are in alignment for a good read, J.D.

Let' see what all that fuss is really about, shall we?

This will most certainly contain SPOILERS:

*  Right off, no page numbers.  Annoying.  Yeah, I can get pages from the PDF, but you are still lazy for not having the pages numbered.  Don't argue that one.
*  Page 1:  The cut from helicopter to ground is too abrupt.  They are suddenly in the forest?  If you are not going to show the Seals jumping, you might as well start your story right there in the forest.  This will help the budget, too.
*  Page 5:  A small detail, but if Morbid is O.C. (and I prefer O.S.), then how do we know it is Morbid?  Remember, we are in a visual medium here.
*  Page 7:  Another small detail.  Do not tell us the car "remains" wedged.  We just got here.  A car "is" wedged.
*  Page 10:  Lose the phrase "against his will".  I mean, of course, right?
*  I skimmed some previous comments, and noticed your defense to George of the broken format.  That is, a character name on one page with dialogue on the next.  By page 15, I feel like commenting that it is starting to become annoying to me, too.  Just saying.
*  Also on page 15, say the figure reveals "itself", not "himself.  Yes, I've read enough spoilers to know who it is.  But otherwise, you are being dishonest.  In fact, you always use male descriptors.  I suggest you use generic ones, such as "its".  And stop capitalizing The.  Just capitalize Mime.
*  Page 22:  Two "poles".  I have skipped a few typos, but this one stands correction. And if I'm not mistaken (and I'm not), they must have four poles, lest the balls hit the poles.  And on page 23, why does Rallins have a big line in his dialogue?
*  Page 24 and 25:  The Continuous slugs are distracting and unnecessary.
*  Page 28:  We need to know the recorder is under the table, as you come back to this detail a bit later.
*  Page 40:  The action scene prior to this page is good.  Quite good.  But Troy's briefcase?  That appears out of nowhere.  And why has he got one anyway? If this is an important detail, you need to set it up beforehand.
*  Page 41: "Badges are flashed."  Nice, quick.  That's how it's supposed to be done.  I just felt like commenting on this.
*  Page 42:  Instead of having the Mime weed through files, why not have the specific file IT needs fly into ITS hands?  (Stop using "his" -- you are cheating).  Troy can still say "he".  That's fine, and you still get your misdirection.
*  Page 44:  That shielding scene deserves a bit more dialogue between Troy and Hartley.  She would most certainly have a few questions.
*  Page 48:  I also recall some previous comments about the Rice Crispies line.  I like it just fine.  But capitalize Crispies.  And for the final line from Morez, have him say that "PCR confirms a match" and lose that Washington stuff.  He had plenty of DNA.  Just trust me on this one.
*  Page 58:  Even though I knew the Mime's identity, I can clearly see that it works.  This is the last time I will point out that "he" and "his" is a blatant cheat on the author's part.

Alright, now I am about halfway through, and it is time for a broad comment.  This is exciting enough, and interesting sure, but there is also a big problem here.   Nobody has a goal for us to really empathize with.  I suppose Troy needs to prove his innocence, and there is clearly something larger behind that, but this doesn't emerge until quite late in the script.  And even then, we still are not really sure of his obstacles, which should be clear by now.  Mime and Morbid are both still a bit WTF?  And again, we are halfway through.  Something you need to think about.

*  Page 63:  A seismograph? Isn't that for earthquakes?
*  Page 73:  I also caught previous comments regarding the definition you had found of "quantum".  Again, trust me, if Hynek is a scientist, he would never use that definition in reference to quantum mechanics.  It is different stuff altogether.  All you need do is start his line at "when" as opposed to "quantum".  Otherwise, you make him sound foolish.  And even then, you are playing a bit loose with the science, yes?  And while I'm at it, there must be some way to trim down that monkey story a bit.
*  You have three separate scenes without sluglines in the middle of page 74.  Weird technique, and not sure I like it.
*  Page 79:  Now you are contradicting yourself with the shielding.  I thought protection from psi was the whole point of that earlier scene in the car.  So why did you bother to show us that? [Note later:  Particularly as it never came back into play.  You should consider paying off this set-up opportunity.]
*  The confessional scene was quite good.  But then, on the next few pages, those annoying Continuous are back.  Lose 'em.
*  I was surprised to find myself happy that Stahl was alive.  I didn't think I cared about that character much.  Guess I did.
*  Page 88:  Umm...how does Hartley get up when tied to a chair?
*  Page 91:  The scared marine explodes?  What?  Why not just have him crushed by the falling door?
*  Page 95:  I humbly suggest that you switch the first lines from Sarah and Troy, giving one's dialogue to the other.  Troy apologizes.  Sarah forgives him.  More resonance that way.  What do you think?

And, finally, this ends well.  I can see where people are getting the idea of a sequel from.

Your title, Newton's Cradle, is by far the best title of the three you've had.  In fact, I would say you've found the right one.  It has a nice ring.  Stick to it.  But you must have the professor, or someone, refer to those bouncing balls as Newton's Cradle at some point so the viewer will also understand the connection, not just the reader.

It's too bad you and Phil could not see eye to eye on this.  This would make a good double-feature with "The Burnout".  It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.

And btw -- have you noticed that your script has cracked this little-noticed board?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-stats/

Look at the Top 10 Topics.  This is only the second script-based thread to do that.  The first one is -- well -- never mind.

Anyways -- just know that if you reach 200 posts you and me are gonna have a problem, see?  I don't care how buff you are.  I'm still plenty scrappy.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  March 18th, 2007, 6:16pm
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Hey JD,

Just finished reading Newton’s Cradle and here’s my review.

!!SPOILERS!!

This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.

I liked the opening scene, it really set the tone for the rest of the script. Though I found the scene a little too Predator’ish, you mixed it well with the flying knifes and glowing hands.

A questing though, why is it necessary to send an entire Seal team when clearly on man (Troy) is enough? Also, I would liked to have known a bit more about his military career. How did he from being a Seal operative to a university teacher/professor.

The death of his wife is a bit sudden and - as a reader - I didn’t really feel the hardship that Troy must’ve gone through.

I thought the general plot was inventive and often surprising. Some of the elements though were extremely cliche; a mad scientist who is dying, the whole good cop bad cop routine. The plot could use a little trimming I think. It’s not that difficult to follow or anything, but some of it doesn’t really lead anywhere. I’m thinking about the whole McCaine thing, it feels a little like filling.

You definitely know how to write an action sequence but I think some of the fight scenes could be shortened because I felt they were a bit repetitive which in the end made them a little boring to read. Knife flies here, gun goes there, you know what I mean? Mix it up a bit.

Some of the flashbacks worked, not all of them. I think you could substitute a couple of them with dialog instead. Sometimes the imagination works better than the eye.

The dialog was - in my opinion - the weakest part of the script. Some of it seemed forced and staged. You need to have a look at this.

The characters were described pretty good, especially Hynek, he was very well written. A couple of the smaller roles like Duncan and Ley could use a little meat, ‘coz I totally forgot who they were. Also, I think you took the easy way out when you killed those two. Morbid quickly became annoying with all his reciting of scripture. Another thing was is that you numbered the character names like Seal Two, Marine Four. That simply doesn’t work. It’s difficult to read through. I think you should give them names but also have fewer ‘non-essential’ characters.

Regarding format, the first thing that bothered me was that character name and dialog were sometimes cut in half by page breaks. That a no no. There were very few typos here though.

All in all a pleasant and fast read. It just needs a little work.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Quoted from bert

*  Right off, no page numbers.  Annoying.  Yeah, I can get pages from the PDF, but you are still lazy for not having the pages numbered.  Don't argue that one.


its due to the file convert. I'll try and get the upgrade so it converts straight to pdf from final draft.. right now it broke for me and I'm tired of xplaing why its like this! lol


Quoted from bert

*  Page 7:  Another small detail.  Do not tell us the car "remains" wedged.  We just got here.  A car "is" wedged.
*  Page 10:  Lose the phrase "against his will".  I mean, of course, right?

Great catch will fix


Quoted from bert

*  Also on page 15, say the figure reveals "itself", not "himself.  Yes, I've read enough spoilers to know who it is.  But otherwise, you are being dishonest.  In fact, you always use male descriptors.  I suggest you use generic ones, such as "its".  And stop capitalizing The.  Just capitalize Mime.


Lol, if i did that they reader would automatically catch this and think it is a woman since i'm not saying him.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 22:  Two "poles".

Oops... damn how did i do that.. and i never catch it.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 24 and 25:  The Continuous slugs are distracting and unnecessary.

Told by professionals to do this. on those particular parts

Quoted from bert

*  Page 40:  The action scene prior to this page is good.  Quite good.  But Troy's briefcase?  That appears out of nowhere.  And why has he got one anyway? If this is an important detail, you need to set it up beforehand.

Its his brief case of tests from the school. I guess i could lose it.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 41: "Badges are flashed."  Nice, quick.  That's how it's supposed to be done.  I just felt like commenting on this.
Thanks for mentioning it!

*  Page 42:  Instead of having the Mime weed through files, why not have the specific file IT needs fly into ITS hands?  (Stop using "his" -- you are cheating).  Troy can still say "he".  That's fine, and you still get your misdirection.[/quote]


Noted! Will think abou this.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 44:  That shielding scene deserves a bit more dialogue between Troy and Hartley.  She would most certainly have a few questions.

Will consider this.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 48:  I also recall some previous comments about the Rice Crispies line.  I like it just fine.  But capitalize Crispies.  And for the final line from Morez, have him say that "PCR confirms a match" and lose that Washington stuff.  He had plenty of DNA.  Just trust me on this one.


Good deal, but in my next draft it wont be there.  I'm removing stahl's character to strenghten Hartley's and the cliche bad cop.. good cop.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 58:  Even though I knew the Mime's identity, I can clearly see that it works.  This is the last time I will point out that "he" and "his" is a blatant cheat on the author's part.


lol,glad it even worked for u and u knew the truth, great! Yes, i do cheat!!

Quoted from bert

Alright, now I am about halfway through, and it is time for a broad comment.  This is exciting enough, and interesting sure, but there is also a big problem here.   Nobody has a goal for us to really empathize with.  I suppose Troy needs to prove his innocence, and there is clearly something larger behind that, but this doesn't emerge until quite late in the script.  And even then, we still are not really sure of his obstacles, which should be clear by now.  Mime and Morbid are both still a bit WTF?  And again, we are halfway through.  Something you need to think about.


i will consider this with my revamp on 5th draft.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 63:  A seismograph? Isn't that for earthquakes?

right but its used her to montior her brain viberations when psi is used.

Quoted from bert

*  Page 73:  I also caught previous comments regarding the definition you had found of "quantum".  Again, trust me, if Hynek is a scientist, he would never use that definition in reference to quantum mechanics.  It is different stuff altogether.  All you need do is start his line at "when" as opposed to "quantum".  Otherwise, you make him sound foolish.  And even then, you are playing a bit loose with the science, yes?  And while I'm at it, there must be some way to trim down that monkey story a bit.


I never say what he is. He just wrote a book. He refers the scientists in monkey theory as egg heads.

Quoted from bert

*  You have three separate scenes without sluglines in the middle of page 74.  Weird technique, and not sure I like it.


INTERCUT?

Quoted from bert

*  Page 79:  Now you are contradicting yourself with the shielding.  I thought protection from psi was the whole point of that earlier scene in the car.  So why did you bother to show us that? [Note later:  Particularly as it never came back into play.  You should consider paying off this set-up opportunity.]


No stahl isnt shieldin or he couldnt enter his body.... hartley was so she didnt get hld up. And troy vs mime vs morbid.. they cant use psi to direct hurt them... it kinda goes without saying.

Quoted from bert

*  The confessional scene was quite good.  


Thanks

Quoted from bert

*  I was surprised to find myself happy that Stahl was alive.  I didn't think I cared about that character much.  Guess I did.


yea I liked him too... shame i have to remove him....

Quoted from bert

*  Page 88:  Umm...how does Hartley get up when tied to a chair?


she isnt time to a chair. I state "Hartley sits on a chair with her hands tied behind her back."

Quoted from bert

*  Page 95:  I humbly suggest that you switch the first lines from Sarah and Troy, giving one's dialogue to the other.  Troy apologizes.  Sarah forgives him.  More resonance that way.  What do you think?


yea, im going to really run this through my head afew times and see. Thanks for this suggestion.

But they are both sorry for things and one has to say it.


Quoted from bert


Your title, Newton's Cradle, is by far the best title of the three you've had.  In fact, I would say you've found the right one.  It has a nice ring.  Stick to it.  But you must have the professor, or someone, refer to those bouncing balls as Newton's Cradle at some point so the viewer will also understand the connection, not just the reader.


Great suggestion and thanks for voicing this opinion.

Quoted from bert

It's too bad you and Phil could not see eye to eye on this.  This would make a good double-feature with "The Burnout".  It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.


true true

Quoted from bert

And btw -- have you noticed that your script has cracked this little-noticed board?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-stats/


lol cool... no i never knew about this part of the forums!

Quoted from bert

Look at the Top 10 Topics.  This is only the second script-based thread to do that.  The first one is -- well -- never mind.


lol!

Quoted from bert

Anyways -- just know that if you reach 200 posts you and me are gonna have a problem, see?  I don't care how buff you are.  I'm still plenty scrappy.  


thanks for the read bert.... im kinda glad i posted 2 version since I read yours. So it mad a much better read then b4!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  March 19th, 2007, 12:54am
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Quoted from sniper


This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.


Ha nice way to put it!

Quoted from sniper

I liked the opening scene, it really set the tone for the rest of the script. Though I found the scene a little too Predator’ish, you mixed it well with the flying knifes and glowing hands.

u know funny thing is i just watched its like the other day and I was laughed.
I think I unknowning drew that scenario from that movie. Good thing I I have alot of differences with mine!

Quoted from sniper

A questing though, why is it necessary to send an entire Seal team when clearly on man (Troy) is enough? Also, I would liked to have known a bit more about his military career. How did he from being a Seal operative to a university teacher/professor.


Govern doesnt know about troy's powers... for the being of him on a seal team.

I had this questions u asked laid out nswered with previous drafts. But soon removed.

Quoted from sniper

The death of his wife is a bit sudden and - as a reader - I didn’t really feel the hardship that Troy must’ve gone through.


hardship comes later.. i used for steppin stone toward his depression.

Quoted from sniper

I thought the general plot was inventive and often surprising.


Thanks.

What surprises came to you?


Quoted from sniper

Some of the elements though were extremely cliche; a mad scientist who is dying, the whole good cop bad cop routine. The plot could use a little trimming I think. It’s not that difficult to follow or anything, but some of it doesn’t really lead anywhere. I’m thinking about the whole McCaine thing, it feels a little like filling.


I'm agree somewhat with you here. I am removing the good cop bad cop cliche in my 5th draft. Which in turn we strengthens hartley's role and change alot of the story in places.

Quoted from sniper

You definitely know how to write an action sequence but I think some of the fight scenes could be shortened because I felt they were a bit repetitive which in the end made them a little boring to read. Knife flies here, gun goes there, you know what I mean? Mix it up a bit.


I thought i did for the most part. However I can see where u draw this conclusion. On paper its might seem this way, but visiually the fights are very different. Eah one adds a new piece to it.


Quoted from sniper

Some of the flashbacks worked, not all of them. I think you could substitute a couple of them with dialog instead. Sometimes the imagination works better than the eye.


Yea Im going to do some reworking.

Quoted from sniper

The dialog was - in my opinion - the weakest part of the script. Some of it seemed forced and staged. You need to have a look at this.


I plan on it!

Quoted from sniper

The characters were described pretty good, especially Hynek, he was very well written. A couple of the smaller roles like Duncan and Ley could use a little meat, ‘coz I totally forgot who they were. Also, I think you took the easy way out when you killed those two.


Thanks! in the fifth draft I think Im will lose ley.

Quoted from sniper

Morbid quickly became annoying with all his reciting of scripture.


I agree. im going to cut back on some of his rants.

Quoted from sniper


Regarding format, the first thing that bothered me was that character name and dialog were sometimes cut in half by page breaks. That a no no. There were very few typos here though.


becuz of file convert. I have answered this in many replies. =\ So I will try and get his converted right so i dont have this problem here on these boards with it.


Quoted from sniper

All in all a pleasant and fast read. It just needs a little work.

Cheers
Rob


Thanks for the review and ur feedback!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Quoted from JD_OK

What surprises came to you?


!!!SPOLIERS!!!

- Sarah = The Mime. Never saw that one coming.
- The fact the Stahl is still with the FBI even though he has already beat up a suspect (not Troy, the other one you mention). I find that a little unrealistic. I would think that both through a screening process and Bureau policy that he would have been fired on the spot.

Cheers
Rob



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If there was an award for most persistant writer I think you'd win it JD, hands down.  This is your fifth draft, is it?  Personally onto my third (and counting - I'm nipping at your heels) for one of my scripts and have already worn a pathway in my rug from all the pacing I do late at night, racking my brain.

I mean this as a compliment, of course.  I think this illustrates that writing is a process - a never-ending one at that.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Quoted from mgj
If there was an award for most persistant writer I think you'd win it JD, hands down.  This is your fifth draft, is it?  Personally onto my third (and counting - I'm nipping at your heels) for one of my scripts and have already worn a pathway in my rug from all the pacing I do late at night, racking my brain.

I mean this as a compliment, of course.  I think this illustrates that writing is a process - a never-ending one at that.


Thanks man. I see can understand various others who cant ever think past just makin minor changes. Your have to make major changes for new draft, if not its just a revision.

This was my 4th draft.

I will have my fifth draft done by next week. Major changes will occur in it. New plot twist and downsizing the characters to strengthen others.

I guess this i only partially why, so many replies. Cuz I take the feedback and change thes story enough for other to be able to re read and get a very different feel from last time.

Im still reviewing Black Market and it has made some major changes and it has improved what I have read so far and flowing alot smoother.

Look for to Milo 3rd draft. I actually hold alot of respect for children story. I would like to be able to come up with one to read to my daughter. You have that honor and I dont.  Thanks again!


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Hey JD, my apologies for taking a long time. I've been ill recently, so it's been difficult to even get off my sofa. I really have nothing negative to say, but that's probably from my lack of knowledge to the art of screenwriting. I've been writing for a while, but have never had the proper skills to review someone's script fully.

I do know grammar and format, some story elements as well. There were errors that I pointed out, and the format was spot-on as well as your story.

There are veterans on here, who I'm sure will give you negative feedback about the story that I missed. I just felt like this script was one of the greats.

Good luck with the sequel, JD! I'll definately read it. : )
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Quoted from Rice Grenades

There are veterans on here, who I'm sure will give you negative feedback about the story that I missed. I just felt like this script was one of the greats.

Good luck with the sequel, JD! I'll definately read it. : )


Thanks man I appreciate at it!

I'm posting my 5th draft tomorrow. (removed characters, and changes to story)

Now who needs something read for this?

Hell, I'm even tempted to to renegotiate with Doggle for The Burnout.


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First of all, it's Dogglebe.

I'll pass.



Phil
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Quoted from dogglebe
First of all, it's Dogglebe.

I'll pass.



Phil


If I had offered, just goes to show you're the bigger individual.


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It has nothing to do with being the bigger individual, JD.  I didn't like your script the first two times I read it; I have no desire to read it a third time.  And I'm not interested in your opinion of  The Burnout


Phil
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Anywho...

**************************

5th and final draft is posted. Trimmed down Hynek's stuff and tightened more descriptions. shaved off 8 pages from before.

Removed all cliches/stahl's character (good cop/ bad cop)

Added new twists. Looking forward for some exchanges with this.

Thanks again for those who read and offered feedback from 4th draft.



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Nice to see that you made some changes to your script. I'm still curious as to how the sequel is coming along. Or are you more focused on getting this one sold... (I'm sorry if I asked this question already, but I want to know)

I noticed with the 5th draft that stuff was cut out, and your errors were pretty much all fixed. I didn't read the whole thing, just looked where the errors were before.

Good job! You've obviously gone through a great deal to get this script as good as it is.
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Quoted from Rice Grenades
Nice to see that you made some changes to your script. I'm still curious as to how the sequel is coming along. Or are you more focused on getting this one sold...


Thanks!

Sequel- I think either I'll start on it once I get this one sold. But i will make a outline soon on how I want the sequel to play out.

I just been really focused making this best it can be b4 I think of starting new script. I pretty sure (minus of spelling errors) this is the final draftfor the story. Anythin else done to it will just be a revision


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As I was reading this, there were 2 thoughts going through my mind at the same time.  The first is that the general idea of this is very interesting, the other is that this story is far more complicated than it really needs to be, which I'll explain in further detail.

I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.  

The thing is that those characters convoluted the pages with content that could of easily been said by someone else.  I mean, okay, it starts off as a military thing, then the FBI get in on it and the police and soon there's a press conference and everybody knows and it's just ahhh!  It seems like more of a deal was made out of it than it really needed to be, because there was no mass chaos outside of the agencies trying to stop this supernatural/paranormalish deal.  And toward the end when Duncan was going to rape Hartley, I was like what?  I thought it was...well I just don't think it should be there because there wasn't much of a point IMO.  

Honestly, I think all of those characters can be taken out and keep the investigation down to Hartley and Stahl and everything it would still be fine.  Troy I think lacked the charisma/personality of a main character.  Going through the story I saw him as a deadpan guy, kind of like Buster Keaton, but even Buster would give more personality at times than what I saw from Troy.  As some others have pointed out, there is no real clear objective until deeper into the story, and I think that takes away from the immediate development of Troy's character.  

Hartley and Stahl I felt were good.  If you so desired, you could create a subplot of a love story between Hartley and Troy...have her as a widowed mother or something.  Just food for thought.  Stahl was the general asshole(reminded me of Dignam from "The Departed."  Great movie, check it out!) with some funny quirks here and there.  Kept it interesting.  The realization that Sarah is The Mime didn't really sweep me off my feet because, well, her character was just kind of there as well.  I think if she had more lines then I would of been more surprised.  Basically, if it was revealed that Stahl was The Mime, that would of surprised me more in that situation, just so you can see how I'm basing my opinion here.

Okay, one part where I'm honestly just so confused here.  What is the relationship between Morbid and Arkon?  Or is there one?  Morbid almost kills Troy in the script's opener and then he returns later on.  I got that.  But where is Arkon in all of this?  I know that he got this power decades ago, but I'm confused as to how that plays into what's going on.  Honestly, I think I got lost trying to keep track of everyone.  But that's just me!

Storywise this was pretty cool.  I like the whole concept of all the psi-things-with-big-words that you were using and I REALLY liked the concept of humans already having these powers imbedded in them but having to learn how to use them.  I thought that whole creation was very gnarley.  I think I like Sarah more as The Mime.  The picture you got there on the first page(and I think in your avatar, I don't know I can't look at the moment) is a very shaggadelic creation.  Spooky, yet elegant.  

Even though I've bashed on Troy and Sarah, it was nice to see that Sarah survived at the end and the two of them moved on.  I know she got on his ass for not saving the mother, and at first when Sarah died I was like what?  Why doesn't he help her?  But you threw that in toward the end so it was a sweet ending on their part.  I also think you should include a theory of Newton's somewhere in here, just so you can connect the title and the story more.  Honestly, I didn't know what a Newton's Cradle was before I read this(I mean I did, but I didn't know the name), but then again, I'm an idiot sometimes.  

So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!


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JD_OK
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Quoted from greg

I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.  


Ah! You read my 4th draft, guess u downloaded it and didnt notice I posted new draft couple days ago.

I removed more characters and made quite afew changes... took of 8 pages.

Quoted from greg

  And toward the end when Duncan was going to rape Hartley, I was like what?  I thought it was...well I just don't think it should be there because there wasn't much of a point IMO.  


I did this to put her in peril and she gets out of it by herself . Show her character is tough.

Quoted from greg

Honestly, I think all of those characters can be taken out and keep the investigation down to Hartley and Stahl and everything it would still be fine.


New version it is just hartley.

Quoted from greg

Troy I think lacked the charisma/personality of a main character.  


The clear goal is for hartley to find the killer. I see where u are coming for tho.
But there are 3 main character stories.

Hartley is the tru protagonist. think 'Heat'. Robert deniro and al pacino. clearly we follow deniro more with his story but the hero is pacino.

There Troy's story, Sarah's and Hartley's.


Hartley and Stahl I felt were good.  If you so desired, you could create a subplot of a love story between Hartley and Troy...have her as a widowed mother or something.  Just food for thought.  Stahl was the general asshole(reminded me of Dignam from "The Departed."  Great movie, check it out!) [/quote]

Did you realize how many character were in Departed?;0)

I did alil build up for the love there but it will come circle in the sequel.

Quoted from greg

Okay, one part where I'm honestly just so confused here.  What is the relationship between Morbid and Arkon?  Or is there one?  Morbid almost kills Troy in the script's opener and then he returns later on.  I got that.  But where is Arkon in all of this?  I know that he got this power decades ago, but I'm confused as to how that plays into what's going on.  Honestly, I think I got lost trying to keep track of everyone.  But that's just me!


In this terms. Think the sith lord in star wars episode one. HE is the man behind the madness, yet he doesnt do the hands on work. Darth Maul does this for him.

Quoted from greg

Storywise this was pretty cool.  I like the whole concept of all the psi-things-with-big-words that you were using and I REALLY liked the concept of humans already having these powers imbedded in them but having to learn how to use them.  I thought that whole creation was very gnarley.  


Thanks!

So did I make it believable enough that is could be possible to you?


Quoted from greg

I think I like Sarah more as The Mime.  The picture you got there on the first page(and I think in your avatar, I don't know I can't look at the moment) is a very shaggadelic creation.  Spooky, yet elegant.  




Yea, Sarah is my favorite. Thanks about the design. My friend made it for me!


Quoted from greg

Even though I've bashed on Troy and Sarah, it was nice to see that Sarah survived at the end and the two of them moved on.  I know she got on his ass for not saving the mother, and at first when Sarah died I was like what?  Why doesn't he help her?  But you threw that in toward the end so it was a sweet ending on their part.


Thanks! I recommend looking at the new draft. I form a clearer picture for the new ending for the reasons behind this on page 89-95

Quoted from greg

I also think you should include a theory of Newton's somewhere in here, just so you can connect the title and the story more.  Honestly, I didn't know what a Newton's Cradle was before I read this(I mean I did, but I didn't know the name), but then again, I'm an idiot sometimes.  


Great suggestion! But I already did with the new draft hehe!! So its there!!

Quoted from greg

So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!


Thanks Greg and I wish you best luck aswell!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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JD_OK  -  March 27th, 2007, 2:03am
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greg
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Quoted Text
Ah! You read my 4th draft, guess u downloaded it and didnt notice I posted new draft couple days ago.


Damn it, I didn't take note.  The first post has the last update on February 7th, and I saved it onto my desktop earlier this month, so I just assumed this was the new draft.  But you said you addressed some of the things I said, so good job!


Quoted Text
Did you realize how many character were in Departed?;0)


Haha.  The thing with that though is that it's easier to follow when one guy is saying "fuck you, cunt" and another is saying "take a whiff of my ass" and the other is saying "it raises like a 12 year old's dick"  


Quoted Text
In this terms. Think the sith lord in star wars episode one. HE is the man behind the madness, yet he doesnt do the hands on work. Darth Maul does this for him.


Check.  I got lost somewhere in there, but now it makes sense since Morbid was the guy doing the dirty work.


Quoted Text
So did I make it believable enough that is could be possible to you?


I believe it, not just for the story but also in real life.  I think all humans possess something special inside of them, but no one really knows how to use it on command(i.e. superhuman strength).


Quoted Text
Thanks! I recommend looking at the new draft. I form a clearer picture for the new ending for the reasons behind this on page 89-95


I think you're confused...the questions I typed were what I said as I was reading, but the ending I DID get.  And I read the last 6 pages here and it definitely paves the way for a sequel.

So, good job!  I'll see you in Hollywood next month.


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Excellent format, for the most part.  It made me wanna go back and fix a few things in my own work, with respect to breaking up my lines of action to, at the most, four lines.  I seem to break this rule quite a bit, reading other produced scripts that seemed to have gotten away with six or seven lines of action.  Your script would be a good teaching tool for young students on how to write "fast moving action" in a screenplay.  

I noticed some misspelled words here and there, a few missing commas.  Some typos are still here and there in your dialogue.  And with respect to sounds in your script, like gunfire, they should ALL be capitalized, no matter what.  That's the worst thing I could say about the read.  I can tell this is probably your eighth or ninth draft of this thing.  Lots of work and research into Quantim physics.  Nice work.      

I found the tie in to Jesus' healing power very original and interesting.  "We all have these powers, if you believe" is something I haven't seen before.  But be careful with this, not to offend your Christian audience.  It's a very controversial theme that could make or break your movie at the box office.  Just a warning.

Sarah as the mime was shocking and didn't see it coming.  I never really figured out how Dr. Zahn was using Troy, Sarah and the other "test experiments" to do his evil.  I'm sure we're to assume that this Quantim mechanics lab is simply a place to harness this power for purposes of the government?  A federal bank heist?  I'm not sure I read this part correctly.  I'd love for you to explain this part of the story to me, cause I got lost here.  

There are lots of interesting speeches and talks about energy, physics and the Bible that were fun to read and kept me interested.  I loved Hynek's speeches about "reality on a subatomic level", although it reminded me a lot of the Quantim physics professor's speech in Prince of Darkness.  I could picture him in my mind when reading this.  Any relation to that movie?  

Well-staged action sequences and cool MIME concept seems like a great commercial idea with potential for a cult audience, much like V for Vendetta.  Be ready to hear some nay-sayers who'll compare this script to the X-MEN movies and dismiss it as a copycat.  I would concentrate A LOT more on Sarah and her story.  I would go so far as to make her "sexier", more of a vixen like Catwoman, who'd be fun to watch go from an average, ordinary young woman to something a lot edgier and sexy.  Remember, she is the "superhero" type in this script, not so much Troy.  I wanted to see more character development with Sarah.  I wanted to see her transition.          

I would suggest to you some more of a back story into the main characters, not so much Hartley and the other agents.  We don't need to know anymore about them.  I would have liked to see more about Troy's background and harnessing his strengths and powers for the good.  

What did Troy do with these powers after his first confrontation with Morbid?  

I'd like to see this movie go more into Troy's "self-discovery" as a super hero and how he deals with his new found powers, much like the original Superman movies and the new Spider Man series.  I'd like to see how Sarah dealt with this too.  Show us how she dealt with all that was happening to her, not just through a bunch of flashbacks.  This is the real meaty stuff your audience identifies with and really gets into. (SPIDER MAN 3 is basing their whole film on this concept, good vs. bad inside us.)  Not just scenes full of wild action and death.  Remember...STORY is more important that ACTION.  I think this is where the last X-MEN movie failed.  Watch parts 1 and 2, then 3.  You'll see what I'm talking about.

The last ten pages of Newton's Cradle seemed like one big flashback.  It was easy to get lost and lose interest.  I understood that Rallins and the government was still covering everything up, but it seems like it took a lot for us to get to that point.

All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.  Just be sure to add some of that "human emotion" I was talking about.  You'll need a lot of it to go up against other similar films in the genre.  Make your dramatic scenes much more "dramatic" and pour out the souls of your characters on page so we can see them.  I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one.

I hope I was helpful and good luck on the re-writes (if any).

4 out of 5 stars from me.  

Take care,
Eric              
                      
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JD_OK
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Quoted from greg



Haha.  The thing with that though is that it's easier to follow when one guy is saying "fuck you, cunt" and another is saying "take a whiff of my ass" and the other is saying "it raises like a 12 year old's dick"  


Yea, but that is watching it. Be easier to follow on screen.. face to a character.



Quoted from greg

I believe it, not just for the story but also in real life.  I think all humans possess something special inside of them, but no one really knows how to use it on command(i.e. superhuman strength).


Same here!


Quoted from greg


I think you're confused...the questions I typed were what I said as I was reading, but the ending I DID get.  And I read the last 6 pages here and it definitely paves the way for a sequel.


Thanks for looking at it! You said what exactly my consultant told me. New ending to more clearly open for sequel.

Quoted from greg

So, good job!  I'll see you in Hollywood next month.


Be there or be..... square..



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Quoted from ericdickson
Excellent format, for the most part.  It made me wanna go back and fix a few things in my own work, with respect to breaking up my lines of action to, at the most, four lines.  I seem to break this rule quite a bit, reading other produced scripts that seemed to have gotten away with six or seven lines of action.  Your script would be a good teaching tool for young students on how to write "fast moving action" in a screenplay.  


Thanks for taking notice for this. One thing you cant look at is a production script. It is different for the spec script you know. And or once deal is made you can break some rules.

Student tool? Wow... never thoughtit was the greatest but anyone is welcome to try and duplicate the action lines by my demostration!

Quoted from ericdickson

  And with respect to sounds in your script, like gunfire, they should ALL be capitalized, no matter what.  That's the worst thing I could say about the read.  


I've been told by many real professional that is old fashion and no longer practice with spec scripts these days. Same goes for Cont'd after action break. saved just for page breaks.


Quoted from ericdickson

I can tell this is probably your eighth or ninth draft of this thing.  Lots of work and research into Quantim physics.  Nice work.  


Thanks! Actually my 5th draft.     But thanks... I keep plugging away... writing is rewriting! Those that now better know this!

Quoted from ericdickson

I found the tie in to Jesus' healing power very original and interesting.  "We all have these powers, if you believe" is something I haven't seen before.  But be careful with this, not to offend your Christian audience.  It's a very controversial theme that could make or break your movie at the box office.  Just a warning.


Great, I glad you found it interesting and believable. When bringing a known element like telekinesis into a movie. I had to put my special twist on it to make it new and my own  and I was happy with what I came up with. Like other said instead of followin back on evolution junk.

But I see what you are saving make or brake. But When I look back at the controversial films with religous tie in. Da Vnci's code, passion, all did well. even tho church said dont watch lol. it Makes people want to watch it and see what the fuss is over!

Quoted from ericdickson

Sarah as the mime was shocking and didn't see it coming.  


Good deal. This was due to alot of feedback with brnging her out earlier in the script.Previous drafts she never was seen til the reveal.

Quoted from ericdickson

I never really figured out how Dr. Zahn was using Troy, Sarah and the other "test experiments" to do his evil.  I'm sure we're to assume that this Quantim mechanics lab is simply a place to harness this power for purposes of the government?  A federal bank heist?  I'm not sure I read this part correctly.  I'd love for you to explain this part of the story to me, cause I got lost here.  


Zahn testd Troy when he was younger, he explains this briefly.  Dr. Zahn wants what they have. Rallins briefly says Troy has been under the radar until here recently. During that time. He kidnapped Sarah, to try and get from her. Failing there. He constructed his machine.

With the breakin. he convinces the gov to go after Troy just so he can get ahold of Troy to use the machine. Knowing Troy didnt do it. He sets up the bar fight so he can send "evidence" of his ability so gov can legal hold him. The blood found since it was Sarah's from the ebginning. It matches Troy's DNA so now along with the video he can arrest Troy.

He soon realizes with Troy continuous escpaes he cant be made to go where he doesnt want to be. So he lets them for him. Setting the trap to hold Hartley who he believe is sweet on.

Quoted from ericdickson

There are lots of interesting speeches and talks about energy, physics and the Bible that were fun to read and kept me interested.  I loved Hynek's speeches about "reality on a subatomic level", although it reminded me a lot of the Quantim physics professor's speech in Prince of Darkness.  I could picture him in my mind when reading this.  Any relation to that movie?  


Great! I rewrote that character from my 1st design of him as a professor. It came off dull, So I rewrote him as a wild card hermit type of guy.

he is one of my favs! I've never heard of the movie.

What is it about?

Quoted from ericdickson

Well-staged action sequences and cool MIME concept seems like a great commercial idea with potential for a cult audience, much like V for Vendetta.


Thanks. Did they bore you any? I tried my best to make it one different. !st 2 was to try and contrast Troy to possibly being the mime since he used knives in the beginning. But Morbid had the white lightso it would a toss up of who it was.

I really really wanted to see a new movie with num chuck action and non have brought it back! I thought when i 1st watched matrix reloaded it was going to use it to fight but quickly disappointed with the sy's.

Did you understand why they used weapons?

I had the mask white prior to the new draft. I had this design b4 V for V came out and I was quickly compared to it, which was adrag. So I had to adjust and I'm glad i did.

Quoted from ericdickson

Be ready to hear some nay-sayers who'll compare this script to the X-MEN movies and dismiss it as a copycat.  


I dont worry to much about this. This is R rated blood and breakin bones 'superhero' type. It much anti-hero but hero movie.

Quoted from ericdickson

I would concentrate A LOT more on Sarah and her story.  I would go so far as to make her "sexier", more of a vixen like Catwoman, who'd be fun to watch go from an average, ordinary young woman to something a lot edgier and sexy.  Remember, she is the "superhero" type in this script, not so much Troy.  I wanted to see more character development with Sarah.  I wanted to see her transition.
I would suggest to you some more of a back story into the main characters, not so much Hartley and the other agents.  We don't need to know anymore about them.  I would have liked to see more about Troy's background and harnessing his strengths and powers for the good.  


I will in the sequel. The pace of the story  is non stop. This what I was going for... More character building would slow it down for too many characters. Gotta save certain aspects.

Like speed I setup alot just for the sequel. She will be main character in it.    


Quoted from ericdickson


I'd like to see this movie go more into Troy's "self-discovery" as a super hero and how he deals with his new found powers


He is born knowing how. Would take to many times jumps doing this, this time around.
And so is sarah

Quoted from ericdickson

The last ten pages of Newton's Cradle seemed like one big flashback.  It was easy to get lost and lose interest.  I understood that Rallins and the government was still covering everything up, but it seems like it took a lot for us to get to that point.

So it was bad last 10 pages for you?


Quoted from ericdickson

All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.   I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one.

4 out of 5 stars from me.    


            

Thanks, I know what you are sayin here. And I do agree. Its so much to do that my pace wont allow yet. Again I will do this just maybe just not yet in this draft, depending on what I hear back from producers and agents Ill be talkin with soon.

I'm just counting on the originality of the story to beat out similar genre thus far.

Great comment and suggestions. Goin back to reading Night of the red phantom!


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Scoob
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Hi JD,

Here is what I have for you so far on my review of Unholy Cry (Newton's Cradle).

I usually read and write down as I go along so I hope some of my comments can help you in some way.

P1: Straight from the helicoptor opening, TROY is then in a forest spying on militants. The area where TROY is distanced from the militants is not made clear enough
and this also kind of clashes with the opening helicoptor scene. Makes me think, is this helicoptor scene even needed? It clashes a little too much and reads a little rushed.

Throwing knives? Maybe he just takes out two knives and throws them as it might sound better that way.

P2: I assume these throwing knives are some special weopon in the way they just took out three militants with one throw! Make that four!

P6: Just have to say, you certainly dont waste time! Straight from the dream scene to a fatal crash and already you let us know TROY has this power which he can only use in/ for a right reason. Interesting stuff. I like the pace, it surely has to drop down soon but it makes a promising opening.

P8: Is it not "You havnt returned my calls"?

P10: I'm liking this idea TROY has this conflict where he has this power but is reluctant or unable to use it yet. The alley scene was good and definitly highlighted this.

P14: I like the design of the mask that the MIME wears.  I am wondering though how you can see a black tear shape on a black mask.
The power the MIME has is pretty awesome. Some kind of telepathic/telekenesis ability. Written very well and the pace is still yet to drop, which is great.

P16: The poster art you have is pretty impressive and I bet the scene at the top of page 16 would look cool visually on screen too.

"He stabs Marine Four him in the collar bone"  I think you need to cut the "him" out here in this sentence.

Just a small point to make. I see you dont use transitions. This is the first script I have read that has never included them. It may be perfectly fine to not use them or add them in but it does help tell the reader we are changing scene. However, in such a fast paced script as this, I would imagine it would only clog things down and make the final script a lot larger then it need be. Just wondering why you didnt add them?

P18: I think Rallins needs to add "condition" to his dialouge here.

P21: There is a missing gap in Rallins' dialouge at the top of page.

So far, I have read thirty pages and will aim to read another thirty before Monday. Its a really enjoyable read so far, quick, seemingly simple (but it's not!) and it flows excellently. I think your format, is times, different to what Im used to but it is refreshing and once I adapted to it, found it really enjoyable.



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JD_OK
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Quoted from Scoob


P1: Straight from the helicoptor opening, TROY is then in a forest spying on militants. The area where TROY is distanced from the militants is not made clear enough
and this also kind of clashes with the opening helicoptor scene. Makes me think, is this helicoptor scene even needed? It clashes a little too much and reads a little rushed.


This scene is tp setup what they are after, why the team is not with Troy, and that he is in charge.

Quoted from Scoob

Throwing knives? Maybe he just takes out two knives and throws them as it might sound better that way.


Good point. But there is a difference in throwing knives and general knives

Quoted from Scoob


P8: Is it not "You havnt returned my calls"?


He is drunk, I will literate this better. So it dont come off a wrong word, when its done on purpose.

Quoted from Scoob

P10: I'm liking this idea TROY has this conflict where he has this power but is reluctant or unable to use it yet. The alley scene was good and definitly highlighted this.


Good deal, this is what I'm aiming for and part of Troy's developement

Quoted from Scoob

P14: I like the design of the mask that the MIME wears.  I am wondering though how you can see a black tear shape on a black mask.
The power the MIME has is pretty awesome. Some kind of telepathic/telekenesis ability. Written very well and the pace is still yet to drop, which is great.

P16: The poster art you have is pretty impressive and I bet the scene at the top of page 16 would look cool visually on screen too.


Thx! I hope it does too!

Quoted from Scoob

"He stabs Marine Four him in the collar bone"  I think you need to cut the "him" out here in this sentence.


Thanks for point out... Fixed

Quoted from Scoob

Just a small point to make. I see you dont use transitions. This is the first script I have read that has never included them. It may be perfectly fine to not use them or add them in but it does help tell the reader we are changing scene. However, in such a fast paced script as this, I would imagine it would only clog things down and make the final script a lot larger then it need be. Just wondering why you didnt add them?


Switching to INT or EXT states a transition without saying. Havin transition in a spec script is not needed and waste of space.

Quoted from Scoob

P18: I think Rallins needs to add "condition" to his dialouge here.

P21: There is a missing gap in Rallins' dialouge at the top of page.


Fixed thx!

Quoted from Scoob

So far, I have read thirty pages and will aim to read another thirty before Monday. Its a really enjoyable read so far, quick, seemingly simple (but it's not!) and it flows excellently. I think your format, is times, different to what Im used to but it is refreshing and once I adapted to it, found it really enjoyable.


Thanks again, look forward to rest of your input.


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Hi JD, sorry for the delay but here is the rest of what I have for ya. Its not a lot, but I hope it helps in some way.

P33: The bar fight was really well written. I definitly have learned a lot from this scene alone on how to write an action scene so well.

P41: The DNA revelation is an interesting move, I didnt expect it to be linked to Troy. Im left with the thought it must be a relation or some kind of genetic clone maybe?
Definitly an interesting turn of events, though.

P51: Whoa. I didnt expect the mime to be a woman. Especially Troy's daughter! Interesting twist. I kind of feel dumb now for not realizing this - it just had been a long time since Sarah was involved. Very good though, nice one!

P59: LOL at Hynek and his multiple cigarette smoking! I like his character - mad energy drink addicted scientist. His monkey tale is well written, interesting and I found it quite humuorous aswell.

P66: Hynek's theory is interesting and fascinating. It gives a good reason for the powers of Troy and Sarah and Im glad you explained it such a simple and enjoyable way.
P70: Just adding that I think the theory of Hynek was really good. Nicely written.

P82: You have "Hartley and Hartley are among them".
P83: Pike Axe = Pick Axe.  No biggie.

P86: Sarah dying - actually I was not too happy about this which is a good thing in that you obviously made her such a good character. I kind of felt sorry for her.
P93: Well, Im glad Sarah is alive lol  Would have been nice to see more of this Arkon fellow but I bet that will come in the sequal!

And finished.

Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one.
Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really
bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more.

I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with.

All the best,



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JD_OK
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Quoted from Scoob
Hi JD, sorry for the delay but here is the rest of what I have for ya. Its not a lot, but I hope it helps in some way.

P33: The bar fight was really well written. I definitly have learned a lot from this scene alone on how to write an action scene so well.


Thx, u should have seen how iorginally thick and long it was lol! I hope you can take it for what it is worth and apply to your writing!

Quoted from Scoob

P41: The DNA revelation is an interesting move, I didnt expect it to be linked to Troy. Im left with the thought it must be a relation or some kind of genetic clone maybe?
Definitly an interesting turn of events, though.


i'm glad it through you for a loop, I'm going to try and cast what if he is the mime, but then again I carefully say traces, not complete match. But good guess on relation.

Quoted from Scoob

P51: Whoa. I didnt expect the mime to be a woman. Especially Troy's daughter! Interesting twist. I kind of feel dumb now for not realizing this - it just had been a long time since Sarah was involved. Very good though, nice one!


Good deal, but It may be considered a "cheat" since I describe the mime as a he until the reveal. But visiually The mim will look like a guy and the mask does too. Sarah is less gifted in the chest area to make this work.

Dont be! Its meant to be surprise, it would be hard to place her there with what everything is goin on. I wanted her to be seen and forgotten! Thanks!

Quoted from Scoob

P59: LOL at Hynek and his multiple cigarette smoking! I like his character - mad energy drink addicted scientist. His monkey tale is well written, interesting and I found it quite humuorous aswell.


Good to hear this. My original Hynek was boring ( was a professor) Since its so much to take in, I turned him into more interesting comin from a off the wall character and like u said humorous.

Quoted from Scoob

P66: Hynek's theory is interesting and fascinating. It gives a good reason for the powers of Troy and Sarah and Im glad you explained it such a simple and enjoyable way.
P70: Just adding that I think the theory of Hynek was really good. Nicely written.


Another good thing to hear, no one yet has been thrown off by y theories that hynek delivers. I just wonder what real churchy people would feel about this?  

Did u understand how the moneky tale tied in with the theory? As a metaphor for humans?

Quoted from Scoob

P82: You have "Hartley and Hartley are among them".
P83: Pike Axe = Pick Axe.  No biggie.


Thanks fixed!

Quoted from Scoob

P86: Sarah dying - actually I was not too happy about this which is a good thing in that you obviously made her such a good character. I kind of felt sorry for her.
P93: Well, Im glad Sarah is alive lol  Would have been nice to see more of this Arkon fellow but I bet that will come in the sequal!


Good! I'm glad u felt for her, that is what I wnated to come across, a killer with a cause, that u dont want to see die. That you can connect with and understand their pain.

I mean, hell in V for Vendetta he killed police in the tower just doin their jobs.. so should my character be anyless liked? Cuz people stand in her way for revenge?


Quoted from Scoob

Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one.
Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really
bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more.

I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with.

All the best,


Thx for review! Yea my 1st draft was at 122 pages i think =p. ou are right, I could add more, but I think it would hurt the pacing, I wanted thngs to keep happening with in 2 pages of another, which is damn hard to do and get right... "but with time..."

and best of luck with your rewrite on Malevolent!

Questions:
**********************

Did u like the final show down with morbid/troy/sarah? or did it feel like what you have already read in earlier fight scenes?

How was the dialogue for you overall?

Ever get confused at any point?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Scoob
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Hi JD, hope the review was handy, it was a great read.

I think the Mime works great and I dont think you need to change how you describe it as him or her.  It made the surprise pay off although I can see your point about it being pretty difficult to tell who it might be.

I understood and enjoyed the theory and I do like things like that. I think there are so many ways of breaking down certain religions and making them into something else, in my opinion they are are stories themselves most of the time so I enjoy different outlooks and theories that concern them. I think you did a great job with your one.

I can imagine some religious people getting all bent out of shape about it, but they do all the time anyway lol

I havnt seen V for Vendetta as yet so I was unable to latch onto any comparison to that and your script, but I did feel sorry for Sarah.
I dont think you should change her character. Sure she is a cold blooded killer in some respects but the fact she is a character that I ended up finding likable I think is interesting and see no reason why you should take it out other then to dilute your script to a more straight down the line kind of thing.

I did like the final battle - it felt pretty superheroish, which in a way, I guess it what it was. It was different because of who was fighting who and there powers are immense so I enjoyed it.  

Dialouge, for me , was as spot on as I think you could have wished for. It was very good, in almost every line it involved the story and kept it moving at a fast pace.
Hartley, at one stage I did think was a bit of a bitch to be honest when she went back to get Troy but I guess she was just doing her job. It was good, I felt she was going to be a love interest for Troy but Im happy you didnt take it to that level.

And as for your final question, I was only confused momentarily as I knew the answers would more then likely pop up on the next page or a little further down the line. So all in all, I got it pretty much in one go which is a credit to you as a writer.

All the best!



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Quoted from Scoob

And as for your final question, I was only confused momentarily as I knew the answers would more then likely pop up on the next page or a little further down the line. So all in all, I got it pretty much in one go which is a credit to you as a writer.

All the best!


Thanks again for the feedback scoob!

********Update********

Currently Im a semi finalist on this competition ---- noted from email

Hello J D Davis ,

Please accept our sincerest Congratulations as we inform you that your
project,"Newton's Cradle" is a semi-finalist in the Global Art Film
Festival
2007 Screenplay Writing competition.

We wish you continued success as the competition continues into the finals.

You will be contacted via email if you are successful in reaching the finals.

Finalists will be placed upon our website on our winners page.

Finally, The top three winners will be notified by email and announced
and
presented with a Screenplay Writing Competition award at our
Hollywood Dinner-Party Awards, Sat. June 9, 2007.

Should you require additional information or assistance, please contact
me
via email or you may telephone at (916) 804-7333 / (310) 699-4569

Thank you.

My Best
Loren Reed
Global Art Film Festival Founder/Film Festival Director

************************************************
And quarter final ( 2nd round) for this one - noted from email---

CONGRATULATIONS !!!  Your screenplay "Newton's Cradle" has advanced to

the second round. Moving up to the 2nd round means that there are new

judges reading your entire screenplay. The higher up your screenplay

advances the better chance it has to win or be picked up by a

production company seeking this type of screenplay. Also, at these

levels we have producers, directors and other influential people

reading your screenplay. Each judge is given a score card sheet after

reading each screenplay. After a separate group tally's the score the

highest scored screenplays advance to the next level. Sound Heritage

does not influence the judges scores or decisions. If your screenplay

advances to the third level you will be notified by email only.  Good

Luck !!!



Sound Heritage Production

**************************************************

Im sent my final draft to my consultant,  he is sending off to his connection for opinion. From here I'll find out about representation.

Thanks again everyone!

*************UPDATE************

Made Finals!
http://www.gaffers.org/screenwriting2007.html


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Mr.Ripley
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congrats. Jd_Ok. Much success in winning. Good luck.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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I am struggling to read this script.  There is a lot of sitting
and exiting.  And there is a lot of verbs used over and over
again.  The other distraction is two directions beginning the
same way.

pg 15 There are just a lot of lines that begin with "The Mime".

Your screenplay starts to get a whole lot better on page 18.

The other distraction is also the entering of people.  This leads
to a lot of chit-chat.

I will give this a second attempt tomorrow.

tweak

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Quoted from tweak
I am struggling to read this script.  There is a lot of sitting
and exiting.  And there is a lot of verbs used over and over
again.  The other distraction is two directions beginning the
same way.

pg 15 There are just a lot of lines that begin with "The Mime".

Your screenplay starts to get a whole lot better on page 18.

The other distraction is also the entering of people.  This leads
to a lot of chit-chat.

I will give this a second attempt tomorrow.

tweak



Aw, just got my internet back... I recently moved!

Tweak - example of over used verbs?

The line u have the start with "The mime" are action lines. Sense these lines are seperate from supporting parapgraph, you have to indicate who Im referring to in each line, so reader doesnt get confused, on who is does what if not in same parapgraph.

I assure you what I have is the correct way of doing it.

Thank you for taking a look, hope it will catch your attention 2nd time around  

GABE- Thanks man, I'm invited to Hollywood for awards ceremony on June 9th.... dunno if I can make it or not.. but would be worth it to make connection and build repour with  people in the industry.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  May 3rd, 2007, 1:07pm
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Congrats on everything JD very impressive it makes me extra excited to start reading it, and good luck with the next round of the competition.


My posted Scripts:
"The First Date" - Short Comedy
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1405598063/s-0/#num1
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Quoted from JD_OK


Aw, just got my internet back... I recently moved!

Tweak - example of over used verbs?



sit, rises, turns, watches (a variety of different ways to look as well)

For a few pages, the characters are just sitting and standing, sitting and standing.  Then, there are a lot of scenes with alot of looking.  Here you use a variety of verbs.  But if the action isn't driving the scene, sitting, standing, and staring doesn't add a whole lot of excitement to an action script.


Quoted from JD_OK

The line u have the start with "The mime" are action lines. Sense these lines are seperate from supporting parapgraph, you have to indicate who Im referring to in each line, so reader doesnt get confused, on who is does what if not in same parapgraph.

I assure you what I have is the correct way of doing it.



I am not arguing right or wrong.  It's just distracting enough to take me out of the story.  I thought the purpose of a spec script was to tell a story -- keep the reader turning the pages.  Pick up Pulp Fiction, Thirteen Ghosts, Donnie Brasco, those scripts are pages turners.

Now, Pulp Fiction takes an odd approach.  He doesn't tell the actor all ways what to do.  Sometimes he just explains the character in the action sequence.  This is a different approach.  Effective because it's used sparingly.

tweak

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Quoted from tweak


sit, rises, turns, watches (a variety of different ways to look as well)

For a few pages, the characters are just sitting and standing, sitting and standing.  Then, there are a lot of scenes with alot of looking.  Here you use a variety of verbs.  But if the action isn't driving the scene, sitting, standing, and staring doesn't add a whole lot of excitement to an action script.



I am not arguing right or wrong.  It's just distracting enough to take me out of the story.  I thought the purpose of a spec script was to tell a story -- keep the reader turning the pages.  Pick up Pulp Fiction, Thirteen Ghosts, Donnie Brasco, those scripts are pages turners.

Now, Pulp Fiction takes an odd approach.  He doesn't tell the actor all ways what to do.  Sometimes he just explains the character in the action sequence.  This is a different approach.  Effective because it's used sparingly.

tweak




I seem to remember about of sitting and talkin in pulp fiction. Sameul, John, Uma, had plenty of scenes of just sitting and talking.

Almost all my dialog has to do with pushing the script forward, not mindless chit chat

Granted some scripts are just not for everyone.  

Another note-******

I just updated the script for those of you who wanted to see what the script looked like that was entered into the competition.

Its at 91pages, took out another 5 pages by tightening and remove uncessary things. Its on page one, just click it the same as normal.

I talked to the man in charge of the awards ceremony and Im for sure going to attend it. Its at Hollywood
Renaissance Hotel in LA.

Those who became finalist (lucky me!) going to be introduced to Agents and industry people, and read tid bits from our script to  them. He told me last year, 2 screenwriters last year award ceremony got deals from this exposure with the contacts made there.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  May 3rd, 2007, 11:46pm
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Sorry for the delay, JD. On to the review.

I'm going to give you my overall impressions first then give some specifics.

You have some good things and bad things about this script. The good things are really good and the bad things, well, they're fixable.

When I started reading this, the first 15 or so pages were, how shall I say this... bad. This was probable the only really weak point of the script. After the death of Troy's wife, the script picks up and takes off. It's as if someone else started writing from there. You need to rework the beginning. Most of the things are going to be easy fixes. Your action sequences were clunky and were difficult to read an follow in these first few scenes. Sometimes less, in my opinion, is more. The use of Character 1,2, 3,  etc. got irritating really fast. I find myself being uninterested during these parts. You need to fix this.

You have a knack for story-telling. You utilizes story techniques very well. You move the plot along at a continuous, fast pace. There aren't any instances where I thought, "Okay, get on with it." It was a page-turner. I couldn't find any real plot holes to complain about. If there were any, I was too interested in the story and the characters to notice. This a good thing. Also, you intermixed your scenes just enough. You never let a scene sit for too long. for this type of story this is definitely a plus.

Your character development was pretty darn good, also. Troy was a likeable good-guy with just enough faults. You should have resolved this flaw in the end. Make him get rid of his flask. Would have been a good change to his character. Also, you kept us in the dark on what your character's motivations were. I like the fact that we're not sure who the good guys or the bad guys are. Akron ended up being a "good" guy! He was just ensuring "God's power" was utilized wisely. Good job.

On to some specifics...

PG 1 Tell us what type of helicopter. I know this seems picky but, trust me, it will make your screenplay look so much more polished if you do thes little things.

INT. CH-46 MARINE TRANSPORT HELICOPTOR (or something similar)

"Seals" are sea creatures. "S.E.A.L.s" are Navy combat specialists.

Names are not used over comm. In the helo, the pilot wouldn't refer to Troy by name. Also, over the radios on the ground, handles would be used. "Echo-one" or something else.

You need to give these "1, 2, 3" characters "names". This was one of the most irritating point for me. You do this throughout. Call them, "gay militant", "snaggle-toothed militant" or something. Use your great imagination. Again, these things make your script look ten times better.

PG 3: Would Troy spit at Morbis? He's too cool a dude for that.

PG : Okay this scene was probably the least believable. Even though Troy couldn't save his Ex-wife, he would definitely be a little distraught over it. Right now, Troy is a talking head. Emotionless. Use this scene to show some emotion and Troy's predicament about not being able to use his powers.

PG 8: Gangster 1,2,3... you're doing it again.

PG 9: Never liked the use of "FLASHBACK" to open a flashback scene. I think if your script is tight, you don't need to use this. This is not how you see it on screen.

I do like how your setting up Troy's internal conflict. Should he or shouldn't he use his powers?

PG 10: Marines who guard anything are referred to M.P.s(Military police). Each of these marines should be referred to by their titles. PFC Moore, CPL Kent, SGT Hickman, etc. There is usually a sergeant in charge and the rest are PVTs or PFCs.

PG 12: Marines never refer to their SGTs as "Serg". Only the army does this.

PG 15: Why do you show Troy's age again. Are you reintroducing him?

PG 16: "Foriegn Man"? C'mon, call him "Arab dignitary" at least.

PG 22: What is the Irishman doing there? Why would Morbis bring him. Kind of pointless and not well explained.

PG 25: Why would Dr. Zahn be questioning Troy? Wouldn't he be in awe? Most scientists fawn over great science. (nevermind, considering who Zahn turns out to be, it works.)

PG 32: Didn't SECDEF say not to let anyone in the hospital room?

PG 45: I like the fact we don't know what our character's motives are yet. Keeps the intrigue going.

PG 47: I've notice that you're breaking action sequences that occur with the same person. Keep them together. Otherwise you have three or four seperate lines of action begining with same person's name. Example: JD enters the room. Runs left. Flips th light switch on. Leaves.

PG 60: What was so scientifically important about getting monkeys to eat fruit in the first place. The scientists didn't plan on what happened. What was thier purpose initially.

PG 64: actually, only electrons surround the core of an atom. Neutrons and Protons make up the center. The energy lies within the attraction of these molecules with one another. The most coming from the energy between the neutrons and electrons. This is the source of "nuclear" energy.

PG 83: I don't think Hartley's response would be, "I'm really sorry for your loss. Do you need a ride back to the city?" This is flat and unrealistic.

The last ten pages, the flashbacks get a little cumbersome. Is there anywhere you could replace a flashback and tell it within the story.

Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story. If you would fix some small things, your script would look a whole lot more polished. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Joseph



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medstudent  -  May 5th, 2007, 9:00am
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Quoted from medstudent


When I started reading this, the first 15 or so pages were, how shall I say this... bad. This was probable the only really weak point of the script.


Debatable. Quite afew reviews didnt have a problem with the beginning. Just necessary back story for the real meat of the story.

Noted for sure tho. Thanks for ur info on this part.


Quoted from medstudent

The use of Character 1,2, 3,  etc. got irritating really fast. I find myself being uninterested during these parts. You need to fix this.


Generic names are okay to use. As an example, watch movie credits

Quoted from medstudent

You have a knack for story-telling. You utilizes story techniques very well. You move the plot along at a continuous, fast pace. There aren't any instances where I thought, "Okay, get on with it." It was a page-turner. I couldn't find any real plot holes to complain about. If there were any, I was too interested in the story and the characters to notice. This a good thing. Also, you intermixed your scenes just enough. You never let a scene sit for too long. for this type of story this is definitely a plus.


Thanks, its taken sometime and alot of feedback to get where it is. Reads for reads and paying consultants is worth it! If you are really serious on making your story best it can be.

Quoted from medstudent

Your character development was pretty darn good, also. Troy was a likeable good-guy with just enough faults. You should have resolved this flaw in the end. Make him get rid of his flask. Would have been a good change to his character.


Thanks, and thnaks for poitning this out. I did have this inpreviousdraft, but forgot to readd it when i chopped it from a scene. But I put it in at the end. Thanks for the point out!!

Quoted from medstudent

Also, you kept us in the dark on what your character's motivations were. I like the fact that we're not sure who the good guys or the bad guys are. Akron ended up being a "good" guy! He was just ensuring "God's power" was utilized wisely. Good job.


Im glad u took notice to this. I wanted "bad" guys to win, they are in terms not the worst of the villians but noy total heros.

They have faults, and when it comes down to it hartley is the true protagonist, and Zahn is antagonist. But You think Troy is, but he is an anti hero, much like The Mime.



Quoted from medstudent


PG 1 Tell us what type of helicopter. I know this seems picky but, trust me, it will make your screenplay look so much more polished if you do thes little things.

INT. CH-46 MARINE TRANSPORT HELICOPTOR (or something similar)

"Seals" are sea creatures. "S.E.A.L.s" are Navy combat specialists.


Names are not used over comm. In the helo, the pilot wouldn't refer to Troy by name. Also, over the radios on the ground, handles would be used. "Echo-one" or something else.


Excellent point outs and I have fixed


Quoted from medstudent


PG 3: Would Troy spit at Morbis? He's too cool a dude for that.


Yea, ur right! Fixed


Quoted from medstudent

PG : Okay this scene was probably the least believable. Even though Troy couldn't save his Ex-wife, he would definitely be a little distraught over it. Right now, Troy is a talking head. Emotionless. Use this scene to show some emotion and Troy's predicament about not being able to use his powers.


Noted


Quoted from medstudent


PG 9: Never liked the use of "FLASHBACK" to open a flashback scene. I think if your script is tight, you don't need to use this. This is not how you see it on screen.


Those are necessary and needs to be in place so reader does not get confused. Its just the way it done.

Quoted from medstudent

I do like how your setting up Troy's internal conflict. Should he or shouldn't he use his powers?




Quoted from medstudent

PG 10: Marines who guard anything are referred to M.P.s(Military police). Each of these marines should be referred to by their titles. PFC Moore, CPL Kent, SGT Hickman, etc. There is usually a sergeant in charge and the rest are PVTs or PFCs.

PG 12: Marines never refer to their SGTs as "Serg". Only the army does this.

Fixed

Quoted from medstudent

PG 15: Why do you show Troy's age again. Are you reintroducing him?


No, indicates different age in the time period. He is to look younger or older in that scene


Quoted from medstudent

PG 22: What is the Irishman doing there? Why would Morbis bring him. Kind of pointless and not well explained.


Added some brief expo for him


Quoted from medstudent


PG 32: Didn't SECDEF say not to let anyone in the hospital room?


No he says, no one goes in without proper id.

Quoted from medstudent

PG 45: I like the fact we don't know what our character's motives are yet. Keeps the intrigue going.


Thanks, but some dont hehe ;p


Quoted from medstudent

PG 47: I've notice that you're breaking action sequences that occur with the same person. Keep them together. Otherwise you have three or four seperate lines of action begining with same person's name. Example: JD enters the room. Runs left. Flips th light switch on. Leaves.


Its the way its done. If u didnt notice, you do it too in ur script hehe

Quoted from medstudent

PG 60: What was so scientifically important about getting monkeys to eat fruit in the first place. The scientists didn't plan on what happened. What was thier purpose initially.


This is a metaphor for human species, so the rest is easy to understand. It was a factual experiment.

Quoted from medstudent

PG 64: actually, only electrons surround the core of an atom. Neutrons and Protons make up the center. The energy lies within the attraction of these molecules with one another. The most coming from the energy between the neutrons and electrons. This is the source of "nuclear" energy.


I might give full detail on this, but it was just alil tidbit, of the generality of the working... dont wanna put stuff over people's head. Just enuff to it brings back memory from school teachings.

Quoted from medstudent

PG 83: I don't think Hartley's response would be, "I'm really sorry for your loss. Do you need a ride back to the city?" This is flat and unrealistic.


Point taken and I changed it. Thanks!

Quoted from medstudent

Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story. If you would fix some small things, your script would look a whole lot more polished. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Joseph


Thanks joseph Im over half way thru ur script and I will post deep review within couple hours.

Questions:

How did twists play out for you? I just added in dream/flashback with john yellin at troy about not being there for sarah. Was it too much of give away?

Fight scenes, they work for you?

Hyneks theories belieable to you?

How did the ending sit with you? Should Sarah be brought back?

Did you feel for Sarah?




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Kamran Nikhad
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So far, I'm liking your new draft, but there are a few things:

Pg. 34:

HARTLEY
I've had better days, tell me what happened.

Begins flashback.

It felt a bit rushed to get to the dialogue.  These are people who have a history together, they share a few choice words, and straight to, "seen better days, tell me what happened."  I'd recommend extending that one just a little bit.  Or show some sense of concern for Kent, considering he was almost killed.  But that's just me.

Pg. 26:  It was good that you dropped that scene a bit, showing Morbid not interested at all, and that he's just an ass.  That was just more notable for me I guess.

Pg. 40:  

Director

Be careful! - I think it should just be, "Be careful."  The explanation mark makes it sound as if he's suddenly yelling to her, lol.

And I see you dropped Stahl from this draft completely, eh?  Damn, kinda liked him, lol, I remember being relieved that he was alive after Duncan shot him, but if he had to go, he had to go I suppose.

EDIT:  Okay, now that I've read everything, I like what I've read, once again, I liked reading your story without knowing what was ahead of me.  Much dialogue was editted from what I could see, and I loved a lot of the new things you added, but felt a bit disappointed with Stalh's removal.

*WARNING, conatins spoilers.*

At the very end, it was good how you actually showed what Troy did this time to bring Sarah back from the dead, as opposed to the previous draft, where we were left with that one being a noggin scratcher, heh.  

For a while, I expected Morez to be the sort of replacement for Stahl, but since he died, I guess that wasn't gonna happen, lol.

I really did like how much you expanded on Troy and Johna.  At least now you see he's learned not to make the same mistake twice, and now you see how much he regrets letting his wife down, and how much the Morbid attack in the very beginning, screwed him up.  How he became an alcoholic, and how he abandoned his wife and daughter.  This was a very good call of you to have added to your most recent draft.  Nice work.

I think you also did better with Morbid's final fight, and I was glad to see you dropped Troy's little, "spontanious combustion" phrase he used in the other draft before he took out Morbid.  It made it sound less cheesy, that Morbid is one amazing antagonist, no matter how many times you read Newton's Cradle, his role and performance as a bad guy simply cannot go unnoted, and I think you did an outstanding job in making sure of this action.  Nice work.  

All in all, it was once again a fun read, I think you did great with trimming it down, but some of the trimming needs some work as mentioned above.  Dialogue was definitely improved greatly, but there were a few scenes which I felt shouldn't have been removed, namely your end scene in the earlier draft, changing back from Hartley, to Stahl, to Arkon, and back to Troy, but the new ending was good too.

I was however, once again, disappointed with Stahl gone, lol, I don't remember why I liked the guy so much, but whatever, lol, I guess it was because it kind of expanded on Kent a bit, and seeing Stahl develop and what not, but enough ranting about him right?

Your new draft is a great piece of work, and I had fun reading it in a different fashion this time around.  And good luck with the next competition.  I hope you mop the floor with the next competitors bud.  


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf

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Kamran Nikhad  -  May 9th, 2007, 1:09am
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Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
So far, I'm liking your new draft, but there are a few things:

Pg. 34:

HARTLEY
I've had better days, tell me what happened.

Begins flashback.

It felt a bit rushed to get to the dialogue.  These are people who have a history together, they share a few choice words, and straight to, "seen better days, tell me what happened."  I'd recommend extending that one just a little bit.  Or show some sense of concern for Kent, considering he was almost killed.  But that's just me.


Excellent suggestion. I think about this scene and see what enters my head to add to it. I did have some more but I cut it.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

Pg. 26:  It was good that you dropped that scene a bit, showing Morbid not interested at all, and that he's just an ass.  That was just more notable for me I guess.


Tru tru
Pg. 40:  

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

Director

Be careful! - I think it should just be, "Be careful."  The explanation mark makes it sound as if he's suddenly yelling to her, lol.


he is yelling she left the room already,but i see how u could draw this conclusion.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

And I see you dropped Stahl from this draft completely, eh?  Damn, kinda liked him, lol, I remember being relieved that he was alive after Duncan shot him, but if he had to go, he had to go I suppose.


I honestly did too, but after the fact it did strengthen hartleys rule and really barely missed, he didnt affect the plot.. so he could be left out. Thus takin away the cliche they setup together.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

EDIT:  Okay, now that I've read everything, I like what I've read, once again, I liked reading your story without knowing what was ahead of me.  Much dialogue was editted from what I could see, and I loved a lot of the new things you added, but felt a bit disappointed with Stalh's removal.


Good deal, I'm glad u was able to notice the changes. Stahl was funny tho lol



Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

At the very end, it was good how you actually showed what Troy did this time to bring Sarah back from the dead, as opposed to the previous draft, where we were left with that one being a noggin scratcher, heh.  


I showed this in previous draft

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

For a while, I expected Morez to be the sort of replacement for Stahl, but since he died, I guess that wasn't gonna happen, lol.


He did take some of stahls lines, but he is just a grunt for hartley

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I really did like how much you expanded on Troy and Johna.  At least now you see he's learned not to make the same mistake twice, and now you see how much he regrets letting his wife down, and how much the Morbid attack in the very beginning, screwed him up.  How he became an alcoholic, and how he abandoned his wife and daughter.  This was a very good call of you to have added to your most recent draft.  Nice work.


Thanks! I actually had this in a earlier draft, but i had cut it out. When i condensed this last draft i as at 88 pages. So I brought and editted that scene. I think it was need for more character developement for Troy. I'm happy i brought it back and u felt the purposes of this scene gave. This for mentioning this.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I think you also did better with Morbid's final fight, and I was glad to see you dropped Troy's little, "spontanious combustion" phrase he used in the other draft before he took out Morbid.  It made it sound less cheesy, that Morbid is one amazing antagonist, no matter how many times you read Newton's Cradle, his role and performance as a bad guy simply cannot go unnoted, and I think you did an outstanding job in making sure of this action.  Nice work.  


Thanks, I tried to add alil more of dialogue for him.

Yea that phase. I did like it but it was damn cheesy wasnt it? lol

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

All in all, it was once again a fun read, I think you did great with trimming it down, but some of the trimming needs some work as mentioned above.  Dialogue was definitely improved greatly, but there were a few scenes which I felt shouldn't have been removed, namely your end scene in the earlier draft, changing back from Hartley, to Stahl, to Arkon, and back to Troy, but the new ending was good too.



Your new draft is a great piece of work, and I had fun reading it in a different fashion this time around.  And good luck with the next competition.  I hope you mop the floor with the next competitors bud.  


Thanks for your comments once again. Yea I hope to kick some ass, I got my tickets and I'll be in hollywood for 2 days. woot!


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Awesome bud.  Go tear Tinsle town a new one for us bud.  


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Hi JD,
Read through the posts.

It mentions in the last post you were shortening it; that post was 8 months ago.

Before I read your script, can you tell me if it is the final first draft or are you still working on shortening it?




Cheers,
Elisabeth


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Final draft(5th.5 draft) is up, I can edit and post on my own, since I host it.  

I'll start on ur script tonight, Ill post review shortly after you post yours  


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Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid.
A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .

Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming.

Cheers,
Elis


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Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid.
A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .

Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming.

Cheers,
Elis


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Quoted from elis
Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Love the fight involving Sarah and Morbid.


Great script.      Let me know if you have more coming.

Cheers,
Elis


Hey elis, you turned it out pretty quick. I was looking for the thread/post what should be commented on in a review, but i couldnt find.

I know you r new so prolly just dont know how to post a review just yet. I say this becuz i did see ur review on mike comedy script and itwas small/simple review aswell

To ensure the person you are doin review and actually read your story, you wanna touch base on things such as:

Characters/developement
dialogue
structure/pacing
plot
format
like and dislikes
originality
appeal

This also works both ways, cuz i could easily say. "I liked urs, too... Good job"
Its nice to hear, but it doesnt help, make better. Just a suggestion here and there adds to the your opinion/review of ones script.

I usually give a thorough/long post on my reviews to let the writer knows strengths in areas and weaknesses in others.

I'll have review up soon, and thanks for comments. Glad you enjoyed!

Quoted from elis

A little thing I picked up... you have two character dialogues of Hartley following each other without action on page 87 .


I looked and didnt c this. What was her lines?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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I am all new to this and I will therefor give you a more indepth report on your script as best a memory recalls.

Characters
I would have liked a little more on Johna's background, I think she would have shed a little more light on Troy and Sarah.

Morbid is a dislikeable character from the start and I liked that.

dialogue

I thought the dialogue was really good. it was not over done and kept the story going at a good pace.

structure

Your structure is good and and I think the flashbacks work well in your script.

plot

It keeps us guessing about Sarah and I liked that.  

format
ok

like and dislikes

I liked the suspence and I liked how it all to be tied up in a neat knot at the end, which you did quite well.

My dislike is probably Troy hitting the booze. It always seems to be a common thing when people can't sort their lives out in movies.

originality
It is original but not so different than other movies I have seen,  such as V for vendetta.

appeal
I think it has a tremendous appeal.  I love this stuff and I know a lot of people do. It takes us out of the realistic world and makes us wonder "what if" for a while.

Next time I do a analysis of a script I will jot down points as I go along.
I didn't realise what comments were actually required from a read.

I am sorry I commented these points from memory.
elis


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Elis - Thanks for your feedback, much appreciated!

UPDATE***********************

I made 3rd place.

http://www.gaffers.org/winners.html

I really dont know why they labelled it a drama, so Im abit miffed . The draft this that placed  is was from april 1st. 5th draft without revisions, 95 pager. Current 5.5 draft is posted at 90 pages.

I'll post to let everyone know how the "experience" in hollywood went when I return!  


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Congrats JD...hope you enjoy the trip.

I agree that it's a little odd that it got labeled as a drama, but whatever gets you a prize right?  It doesn't seem to be broken into categories, so you could just say "Placed 3rd in the ... contest".

Does this guarantee any companies to look at it?  Some of those other winning titles look familiar as well.


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Quoted from Shelton
Congrats JD...hope you enjoy the trip.

I agree that it's a little odd that it got labeled as a drama, but whatever gets you a prize right?  It doesn't seem to be broken into categories, so you could just say "Placed 3rd in the ... contest".

Does this guarantee any companies to look at it?  Some of those other winning titles look familiar as well.


Yea.. well i hope lol. I dont get it, It looks like they made it catagories, cuz they list 3 first place and 3 2nd and 3 rd, each having different genre in ranking.

Which could this scenerio could be interpetted in many ways. Im going to email them and see what this "sudden" change in line up means. Cuz b4 its only 3 winners listed and prizes for only them 3.

But I know all finalists are subject with meet with agents/producers at the festival in hollywood, if the finalist attends.

But yea, these other scripts are making their ways around, ranking in different competition. They can be seen at http://www.moviebytes.com then link for winningscripts.com

Thanks mike!


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Good job, JD!

Joseph


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Okay....I finally read the most posted on script at SS.

You have to pardon me for not reading through this thread, but it's just too looooong.

I have no idea what draft this is or if you're planning on making more. Here are my thoughts on your script. I'm not a pro as you know so just take it for what it is...my opinion.

Over all I have to say that I really liked it! I thought the idea was pretty clever. I also think it read well. In fact it's completely different from your posts on these boards.

Characters/developement: Troy is someone I would've liked to like a little bit better. I didn't dislike him, but I would have liked to know him better. To make him different from your regular moody cop type characters that drink, maybe he could turn to something else to dull his senses. Since he was a SEAL and those tend to be very fit, maybe he instead could be an obsessive runner or do workouts. Just a thought.

I felt for Sarah. I think you did a good job on her. I would have liked to know/see more of Johna and her relationship with both of them. I guess Hartley was okay. I think she could be better, but I'm not sure what to offer as far as suggestions go. Maybe give her a character trait that makes her different or more enjoyable.

dialogue: I thought your dialogue was fine. Not the sharpest or most clever, but certainly not bad or cheesy.

structure/pacing: I will deal with this part later, because this is where most of my problems with this script lies.

plot: I really like the plot and I thought you did great on the ending. A few twists and turns and at the same time tying things up neatly.

format: Was fine to me as well. I think I understood and was able to follow the story. Possibly a little confusing about their ages, but I mention that later in this post.

originality: I thought it was fairly clever and original. Is there something similar out there already? I wouldn't know, I rarely watch movies.

appeal: I think this would have a large appeal. It's action packed, fairly clever and could probably be a pg-13 movie unless they would turn the action scenes in to splatter scenes. I might even call it HIGH CONCEPT, but I'm just me.

Okay, now for my questions and complaints. There are a few typos here and there, but they're not distracting enough to worry about. If you want me to, I can point them out though.

This script reads fast which is good. Unfortunately the story moved too fast too, IMHO. I love action/thriller movies so I'm not against it if that's what you might think. You even write the action VERY well with it all broken up into different shots. That was good and you might have noticed I tried to do the same with Dark Side of Man. The problem I had is that there was too much of a good thing. It was almost like getting on a roller coaster and instead of getting off at the end of the ride stay in the seat and go for another ride, then another and another. I read an article once about this and I have mentioned it here on these boards before. It basically said that we can only sustain an adrenaline rush for a certain amount of time before we run out of adrenaline and need a break to recharge. That is also the reason why roller coasters don't exceed this time, because we would start to lose the sensation of fear/excitement/ or whatever. I think you need to cut some of the action down and give us time to "recharge" in between the action and maybe flesh out some of the dramatic scenes. Try to think if there's a way to convey the same message in the action scene by writing a drama scene instead. Good opportunity to work on the characters some.

In the first six pages you have a military attack on militias by the SEALs, Troy waking up from a bad dream, a car accident, and a funeral. I like it, but I wonder if it isn't too much tucked into six pages. If you think about it, that's only about six minutes of film.  I almost felt that the first thirty pages were so action packed and on your seat kind of writing that it felt more like the last thirty pages should in an action flick. Just a thought...

I did find the character's ages somewhat confusing in the beginning. You start off saying Brazil 1987. Troy is 26 and Morbid 28. Then you say present time and Troy is 39. Am I doing the math wrong here? Nothing major, just something that confused is all.

Also you say Morbid is Russian. Not that anyone but me would be bothered by this, but at that time there was no Russia. It was the USSR or Soviet Union and they did not really have a presence in Brazil at that time. Like I said, probably no one else would care, but I would want to know what the heck a Soviet would be doing in Brazil at that time. Maybe explain some of how Morbid became involved with Arkon.

Pg 3: You have "an older militant" sitting at the table eating. Does he not notice the "screaming and gunshots" going on outside?

I wish you would name QM something different since that isn't really a name. Quantum Mechanics is a thing. That's like naming a restaurant RESTAURANT. Give it a name. JD's Quantum Mechanics research center. You get my drift.

Pg 12: You say "black tear drop on a black glossy mask". Wouldn't that be hard to see?

I've seen Newton's Cradles, but never with marble balls, only steel.

I think you did a good job making us think Troy was the Mime. The reveal was great.

Pg 32: Hartley says "You can't leave a crime scene" and a second later she asks him if he needs a ride?

Pg 42: They shoot tear gas grenades at his house. I'm not that up on police procedures, but wouldn't they have to give him some sort of warning first?

Pg 46: The Mime shoots Brown in the legs before shooting him in the head. That seemed excessive to me. Gratuitous and mean spirited = we like her less.

Pg 64: Good V.O sequence!

Pg 73: Troy tosses the wire on to the desk. Does Dr. Zahn not notice? Did I miss something?

Pg 83: I would have liked to see them catch Dr. Zahn.

All in all, I would say you did a really good job. I think it can be made into something great however.

Congrats on the contest. Have a ball in Hollywood.  

Pia




  
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greg
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Wow!  Mighty impressive, JD!  Congratulations to you!


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Quoted from tomson


Over all I have to say that I really liked it! I thought the idea was pretty clever. I also think it read well. In fact it's completely different from your posts on these boards.


Thx! Lol yea, I know my posts r full of bad grammar  . I think faster then I type


Quoted from tomson

Characters/developement: Troy is someone I would've liked to like a little bit better. I didn't dislike him, but I would have liked to know him better. To make him different from your regular moody cop type characters that drink, maybe he could turn to something else to dull his senses. Since he was a SEAL and those tend to be very fit, maybe he instead could be an obsessive runner or do workouts. Just a thought.


I hear what ur saying. I originally didnt want him to likeable at the beginning so the ending you can care for him, so you ending up likin him more then b4

Quoted from tomson

I felt for Sarah. I think you did a good job on her. I would have liked to know/see more of Johna and her relationship with both of them. I guess Hartley was okay. I think she could be better, but I'm not sure what to offer as far as suggestions go. Maybe give her a character trait that makes her different or more enjoyable.


I agree Hartkey could use more character trait.
Sarah - Thanks, I tried very hard to make her the anti hero. The bad character you care for.

Quoted from tomson

dialogue: I thought your dialogue was fine. Not the sharpest or most clever, but certainly not bad or cheesy.


Very true.


Quoted from tomson


plot: I really like the plot and I thought you did great on the ending. A few twists and turns and at the same time tying things up neatly.


Gracias! Was anything predictable?


Quoted from tomson

originality: I thought it was fairly clever and original. Is there something similar out there already? I wouldn't know, I rarely watch movies.


Was Hynek explanation believable and good to you?

Quoted from tomson

appeal: I think this would have a large appeal. It's action packed, fairly clever and could probably be a pg-13 movie unless they would turn the action scenes in to splatter scenes. I might even call it HIGH CONCEPT, but I'm just me.


I hope so, I formed the concept behind the real life study of "psi" It has a popular following.


Quoted from tomson


This script reads fast which is good. Unfortunately the story moved too fast too, IMHO.
I love action/thriller movies so I'm not against it if that's what you might think. You even write the action VERY well with it all broken up into different shots.


I see what you mean about things going to fast. I did this intentionally. I wanted a story to be like 'speed'.

Thanks!

Quoted from tomson

That was good and you might have noticed I tried to do the same with Dark Side of Man. The problem I had is that there was too much of a good thing. It was almost like getting on a roller coaster and instead of getting off at the end of the ride stay in the seat and go for another ride, then another and another. I read an article once about this and I have mentioned it here on these boards before. It basically said that we can only sustain an adrenaline rush for a certain amount of time before we run out of adrenaline and need a break to recharge. That is also the reason why roller coasters don't exceed this time, because we would start to lose the sensation of fear/excitement/ or whatever. I think you need to cut some of the action down and give us time to "recharge" in between the action and maybe flesh out some of the dramatic scenes. Try to think if there's a way to convey the same message in the action scene by writing a drama scene instead. Good opportunity to work on the characters some.


And yes I did noticed this in Dark side of man and I made a comment about it. " Your action flowed like it should"

This is a great point out. I agree with suggestion. I'm going to think on how and where I should drop the pace for develope so when it kicks back in gear the reader feels it.

Quoted from tomson

In the first six pages you have a military attack on militias by the SEALs, Troy waking up from a bad dream, a car accident, and a funeral. I like it, but I wonder if it isn't too much tucked into six pages. If you think about it, that's only about six minutes of film.  I almost felt that the first thirty pages were so action packed and on your seat kind of writing that it felt more like the last thirty pages should in an action flick. Just a thought...


I hear what ur saying

Quoted from tomson

I did find the character's ages somewhat confusing in the beginning. You start off saying Brazil 1987. Troy is 26 and Morbid 28. Then you say present time and Troy is 39. Am I doing the math wrong here? Nothing major, just something that confused is all.


This is my fault, I'm off in my present time ages after the 3 year super. troy should be 47 instead of 42, so time line fits with 2008 read.

1987 he is 26, present ( after dream awake) he is 39, ( should be 42here) then three years later... hell now im confused..

Hell of a catch, I will fix this time line of ages

Quoted from tomson

Also you say Morbid is Russian. Not that anyone but me would be bothered by this, but at that time there was no Russia. It was the USSR or Soviet Union and they did not really have a presence in Brazil at that time. Like I said, probably no one else would care, but I would want to know what the heck a Soviet would be doing in Brazil at that time. Maybe explain some of how Morbid became involved with Arkon.


Yea Arkon sent him to brazil, yea I might touch on this for more character development

Quoted from tomson

Pg 3: You have "an older militant" sitting at the table eating. Does he not notice the "screaming and gunshots" going on outside?


Your right, I'll fix it to where he cant hear it due to something! =\

Quoted from tomson

I wish you would name QM something different since that isn't really a name. Quantum Mechanics is a thing. That's like naming a restaurant RESTAURANT. Give it a name. JD's Quantum Mechanics research center. You get my drift.


LOL, got me again

Quoted from tomson

Pg 12: You say "black tear drop on a black glossy mask". Wouldn't that be hard to see?


lighting could show it, but this clearly shown when the eyes and tears glow white.

Quoted from tomson


I think you did a good job making us think Troy was the Mime. The reveal was great.


Thanks, im glad u mentioned it. I always forget to ask that. So I assume you didnt see that coming? ;0)

Quoted from tomson

Pg 32: Hartley says "You can't leave a crime scene" and a second later she asks him if he needs a ride?


Well after Troy, lets reminds of he just saved her life, he is not let her do anything to him. Realising this, she offers to do something for him. Maybe I should amp this up more?

Quoted from tomson

Pg 42: They shoot tear gas grenades at his house. I'm not that up on police procedures, but wouldn't they have to give him some sort of warning first?


That is to flush the bad guy out and if they dont....then again he is to be considered dangerous..

But a warning would be good, I just didnt wanna repeat what happend at the school scenario

Quoted from tomson

Pg 46: The Mime shoots Brown in the legs before shooting him in the head. That seemed excessive to me. Gratuitous and mean spirited = we like her less.


Yes, but you dont know you are disliking her at the time. I know its twisted but he did try and kill her 1st. So she killed him lol

Quoted from tomson

Pg 64: Good V.O sequence!


Thanks for noticing

Quoted from tomson

Pg 73: Troy tosses the wire on to the desk. Does Dr. Zahn not notice? Did I miss something?


Dr. Zahn sees it, but doesnt care, he knows they are trying to set him out, but he has the upper hand since he kis her team and takes her hostage.

Quoted from tomson

Pg 83: I would have liked to see them catch Dr. Zahn.


Maybe so, but I had to kill off everyone that witnessed/involved with the case. So Hartley is the only. Thus marking her target for the sequel

Quoted from tomson

All in all, I would say you did a really good job. I think it can be made into something great however.

Congrats on the contest. Have a ball in Hollywood.  

Pia


Thx and thx for the great feedback!

Medstudent and Greg - Thanks aswell for the support!



  [/quote]



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Zack
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Hey JD, I finally finished this monster. A couple of things before I get to the review.

I've not read any of the previuos posts before this, so if I mention something that has already been brought up I'm sorry. Also, I won't be writing a monster review. Sorry.

Now on to the review.

First, your format was great. It made me realize that my formating still has a long way to go, but I'll get there.

Your descriptions were also great! I could see all the action unfold in my mind. The action scenes inpaticular were superb.

Your dialogue was good, not quite as good as your descriptions, but close.

You really developed your characters well. My only problem there is that I would have liked a little more back story for Troy. But what back story you gave worked.

You have some very original ideas at work here and the script shines because of it.

Overall I'd say this script is very solid. No glaring flaws(there were a few grammer errors, but who cares). Great job and I'll be looking forward to the sequel!

~Zack~

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Gaara
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First I would just like to say that overall this script just rocked. This is the kind of movie I wouldn't mind spending money to go and see, providing they did it with a good enough cast and big enough budget.  It would be a shame if it was turned into a straight-to-tv b-movie that you find showing late on the sci-fi channel.

The whole idea of people with powers of the mind is not really a new one, Scanners comes instantly to mind (pun not intended) but what the heck, most things have been done already so I won't hold that against you, in fact the reason that the same ideas are utilized over and over is that they damn well work.

Now most people will know that the cornerstone of a good movie is good characters. If you don't like the characters, even the unlikable ones (if you get my meaning), then a movie is destined to fail.  Troy may, as Zack said, may not have been giving much back story but what we do know about him is more than sufficient.

And as for The Mime, well he just intrigued me from the first moment I read about him. It was not just because of his powers that he interested me, I mean having telekinesis is one thing but there was something else about him.  Giving it a tiny bit of thought I figured out what it was that drew me to the character.  He reminded me of V from V for Vendetta.  Both characters wear masks and they have a fondness for using knives.  Okay V could not move objects with his mind and he liked to talk...a lot...but still.

Now I could spend all day talking about the different characters but then I would get terrible cramps from typing, so lets just say I found most of them interesting and even those that I did not particularly like did play an important (no matter how small) role to the overall story.

Apart from a few grammar issues which can be easily fixed I thought that the dialogue was pretty spot on.   Can't really think of anything more to say on this subject...that is indeed a good thing. The voices / words suited the characters roles perfectly, meaning science geeks sounded like science geeks, military people sounded suitably military etc.

Now I admit that at first the story was confusing, with knives flying around seemingly by themselves. Then when I realized that it was due to characters having powers it suddenly made sense.  When I started reading it again knowing what I now knew I found that the pacing of the story was pretty much spot on.  Like any good action movie it had a nice balanced mix of action and talking. The action came thick and fast and would please any die hard action fan and the moments in between were so well written with a lot of important information revealed that was central to the plot that you did not even notice that nobody had used telekinesis to kill someone with a knife for about ten minutes.

This is in stark contrast with quite a few movie sin recent years (The Matrix Trilogy for example) that while they have damn good action there is just far too much talking in them, seriously the only way I can watch the matrix is to forward through the blah,blah,blah scenes to the action.  This film would not have that problem with the pacing it has.

The story line with the mad, dying, scientist Dr. Zahn trying to capture one of these gifted people for his own purposes is a bit cliched but it works for the story and that is all that matters.  This is also true for the revelation that the Mime is actually Troys daughter Sarah, well an aspect of her personality having developed what can only be described as split-personality disorder.

On a low note tho I thought the end battle between Troy, Sarah and Morbid was a bit short.  I would have liked to have seen them make more use of their powers and really throw each other around more.

I did however like the way you combined your Psi powers with Jesus, basically saying that he was just naturally gifted with the Psionic abilities that he chose to use to benefit man kind and whilst it is not apparent at first Hynek mentioning the fact that Jesus once used his powers to heal some person called Tabitha was directly linked to what happens with Sarah at the end of the movie.

As for the actual script itself;

By what i know of formating, which considering I use software to do all mine and therefor don't really need to know it, is spot on. Everything was where it needs to be and properly indented and stuff.

The scene description were spot on for a movie script.  They gave enough information so that it was easy to follow and keep up with the story, keeping me (the reader) highly interested. On the same note they were not too long that it felt like you were reading a novel, which some people on here seem to have a problem with.  I have read some scripts and ended up thinking that if they deleted just some of the unnecessary descriptions they would no doubt cut the movie in half.

Whilst like I said the idea of people with powers is in no way original, and the idea shady government people and whatnot conducting experiments on them isn't either, how you handled the story was.  Seriously if I just came across this on a website somewhere I would think that this movie was written by an a-list hollywood screenwriter for a movie that was in the works as we speak (which I hope is or one day will be true) because it is just so well written.

Of course by well written I mean character and plot wise. I did notice a few grammar errors in your script.

You frequently have phrases such as "The gun summon someone" which I feel should read as "Someone summons the gun".  Luckily these few errors (which no doubt someone else has already listed) did not draw you away from the story, and in fact it was not until my second read through that I actually noticed them as the first time I was more interested in the story then anything else.

My personal likes and dislikes:

Well I liked the whole Psi power thing and I have always been interested in the subject of split personalities, which is why i enjoyed movies such as Fight Club and Primal Fear (funny enough both starring Edward Norton).  Sarah's character was very well developed. Even tho at first she just seemed like the typical girl who has just lost her mother and is not on real good terms with her father, when it is revealed that she is the Mime and that she once made herself forget about her powers because others treated her differently...that is until someone forced her to remember and thus woke the deadly personality of Mime, I felt that this elevated the character from a background throwaway one to someone with real depth and believability.

Dislikes.  Okay as I have already mentioned I liked the comparing of these people (Troy, Morbid, Sarah etc) with Psi powers and Jesus was a good move, but on a religious note I think you could have cut down on Morbids rantings about Jesus and what will happen to those who abuse their powers. In the end I actually had to skip a lot of Morbids dialogue because it started to get repetitive.

In ending I have to say that there is very little (actually very very very close to nothing) that I didn't like about this movie.  So much so that I have only one question...when can I book my tickets to go and see it?


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.

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Gaara  -  June 7th, 2007, 7:48pm
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Pumpkin and Zack

I appeciate at the 'review', but it really seems to me neither of you two actually read the whole script.

I get the feeling (and not just me) either you took things already mentioned by other reviews said and just highlighted somethings they mentiond so u didnt have to read it. Thus getting my reviews for free on ur shorts.

Neither of you bring up anything after past page 20 of the script.

In particularlly Pumpkin's thoughts about the Mime... those who has read the script know what I mean.

And Zack - i had informed you things to touch on and felt u danced around somethin anything specific. And u didnt even mention twists.

I sure hope I'm wrong  ... wouldnt be good for your reps around here


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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Gaara
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actually I did read the script, the one thing I did not read is any of the other reviews, basically because with 15 pages of them there are just too many to go through.

As for the Mime.  If you are referring to my comparing of him (well actually) and V (one of my fave movies) then that is also all me. Both wear masks and both use knives...it is quite easy to make the comparison.

As I said V did not have telekinesis which is different Oh and yes the fact that the Mime turns out to be Sarah is another one.  Tho they did move quite fast and were burned.

One thing I did notice


Quoted Text
The gun summons to The Mime.


To tell the truth this is why I find it hard to write reviews because pretty much everything I want to say has normally already been said so it ends up looking like I just copied peoples

shouldn't that be "The Mime summons the gun" ? the way you have it doesn't really make sense because guns can't summon



check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Zack
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Hey JD.

I'm sorry you feel that way. As I said, I'm not the greatest at doing reviews and it's obviuos here. I will admit that I rushed through this script(and I was reading acouple of others at the same time), but I assure you that I did read it. I wouldn't lie about something stupid like that. If it makes you feel better I'll check out your short in your signature as well.

~Zack~

P.S.- I personally thought I wrote a decent review, but I guess I'm used to writing reviews for shorts.
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JD_OK
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SPOILER************


Pumpkin - I'm referring to you repeatedly say the mime is a he and since it a major plot twist that it is a HER, seemed really funny neither of u mention Sarah

Zack - thanks but please dont bother, that short is bad reflection at my earlier days of writing =\

I'll read ur short pumpkin soon, but let it be known you two, r on people's watch list now  

Thanks again for the feedback guys


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Okay I added some more to my review to try and make it better

Sorry that it seemed like I didn't read it. I admit I am like Zack in the problem that I suck at writing them.  There is a knack to review writing that I have just never had.  It all comes down to the fact that I know what I like but if you ask me why I like it and to back up my reasons for thinking this...I normally have to answer with

"I don't know why, I just do."

Sometimes there is no single or even a real reason why I like things, I just do.  


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.

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Gaara  -  June 7th, 2007, 7:51pm
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Shelton
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Okay, and the purpose of you writing out scenes from the script is?

And if you say "To prove I read it" I'm going to stick with the theme of the script and telepathically shoot you in the face.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Hey everyone, I just got sometime to post about my trip.

I''ll been working up new draft with comments from here and from the cali event or I woulda have posted sooner.

The Festival - Promises were made that didnt deliver. No Agents or Producers came, no reason given by the festival runner either.

But Ggood news is, got great deal of networking started. Met some independent directors making films in millions, writers who are making sells. Best lead I got wasnt for my Newtons Cradle but for my Xmen script. I met a writer who knows the writer of Xmen 3 and will get my in contact with him regarding my xmen 4 script.

Update more soon! gotta run!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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dresseme
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Ok, so I just finished the script.  I took notes up until p. 51 then stopped because I didn't really have any major problems after that.

Overall, it's a good story with LOTS of action, but it still needs work, mainly in the area of dialogue.  Too much of it came off as cheesy for me, and I made notes of specific times when that happened.  I just think you really need to go back and re-evaluate what all of your characters are saying.

One thing that stuck out to me was the 100 Monkeys Experiment.  I understand the story, but I think you might need a better one for the script.  The results of that experiment don't seem all that monumental.

But like I said, it WAS an interesting read, and I think it'd make for a good action flick.  Here are some of my more detailed notes as I read along:

p. 2- How does a knife stick into a gun?

p. 3- Would they really call him "Kneddric" over the air?

p.4- the second line for Morbid comes off as more cheesy than anything, the first was much better (I actually think it might be better if maybe he said his lines in Russian, and then maybe starts speaking in English)

p.7- Does the preacher need to say "in the bible"?  couldn't he just say "John, Chapter 12, says..."

p.13 Hill seems like a cheap Black stereotype.  Might want to lose him.

I think we need more of a description of The Mime.  It sounds pretty cool, but I just can't get a good enough visual.

p.18- Daniels wouldn't know what telekinesis is?  I think you need to revise that line.

I don't know if I'm really sold on Morbid's manner of Bibilical speech.  Perhaps, like I said, earlier, if maybe he said that stuff in Russian it would have more impact, but right now it's not doing it for me.

Zahn and Troy's meeting seems short.  All I could think was "They went through all of that to bring him in for about 3 questions?"

The scene between Johna and Troy seemed to over-dramatic.  She doesn't need to keep mentioning the alcohol, we get it.  I think the scene could be done in a more subtle fashion

p. 47-  Would this really be the time Troy figures out this guy has the power?

p.50- Don't need "emotionally"

p.51- Troy passes out from a tazer?
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Quoted from JD_OK
Hey everyone, I just got sometime to post about my trip.

I''ll been working up new draft with comments from here and from the cali event or I woulda have posted sooner.

The Festival - Promises were made that didnt deliver. No Agents or Producers came, no reason given by the festival runner either.

But Ggood news is, got great deal of networking started. Met some independent directors making films in millions, writers who are making sells. Best lead I got wasnt for my Newtons Cradle but for my Xmen script. I met a writer who knows the writer of Xmen 3 and will get my in contact with him regarding my xmen 4 script.

Update more soon! gotta run!



That's great news bud, good luck with that, and sorry to hear it didn't go completely well, but hey, at least it had its' benefits, right?

Looking forward to the next draft.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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Quoted from dresseme

Overall, it's a good story with LOTS of action, but it still needs work, mainly in the area of dialogue.  Too much of it came off as cheesy for me, and I made notes of specific times when that happened.  I just think you really need to go back and re-evaluate what all of your characters are saying.


I agree. I'm going to work on this

Quoted from dresseme

One thing that stuck out to me was the 100 Monkeys Experiment.  I understand the story, but I think you might need a better one for the script.  The results of that experiment don't seem all that monumental.


Its not meant to be. Its a metaphor for human race based on a actual experiemnt. That humans can be talent new behavior, if some one was to show them how.

Quoted from dresseme

But like I said, it WAS an interesting read, and I think it'd make for a good action flick.  Here are some of my more detailed notes as I read along:


Thanks for finally reading my friend!

Quoted from dresseme

p. 2- How does a knife stick into a gun?
rifles often had wood grips

Quoted from dresseme

p. 3- Would they really call him "Kneddric" over the air?[quote]

He is speaking out loud. Not into radio
[quote=dresseme]
p.4- the second line for Morbid comes off as more cheesy than anything, the first was much better (I actually think it might be better if maybe he said his lines in Russian, and then maybe starts speaking in English)


Yea, already did this in new draft. Excellent suggestion tho


Quoted from dresseme

I think we need more of a description of The Mime.  It sounds pretty cool, but I just can't get a good enough visual.


noted.


Quoted from dresseme


I don't know if I'm really sold on Morbid's manner of Bibilical speech.  Perhaps, like I said, earlier, if maybe he said that stuff in Russian it would have more impact, but right now it's not doing it for me.


Yea, im switchin alot of his dialog into russian at parts

Quoted from dresseme

Zahn and Troy's meeting seems short.  All I could think was "They went through all of that to bring him in for about 3 questions?"


Part of Zahns setup. He knows Troy didnt do it, so it puts things together to make up the evidence

Quoted from dresseme

The scene between Johna and Troy seemed to over-dramatic.  She doesn't need to keep mentioning the alcohol, we get it.  I think the scene could be done in a more subtle fashion


Yes with the new draft I would redoin that scene. Becuz new beginning willl have more of Johna in it

Quoted from dresseme

p. 47-  Would this really be the time Troy figures out this guy has the power?


He is refering to the light around her body


BIG K- Thanks man! SHould be up by next week



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IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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6th draft posted. Thx for the feedback. I implemented alot from the reviewers. Add 8 pages, added new scenes to the beginning. Added more to dramatic scenes. Tried slowing the pace in places.

*********UPDATE********

http://www.soundheritageproduction.com/Home_Page.html

Made 3rd round on this contest I entered way back at the end of march. As you will notice alot of the placer are big guns that are floating around placing high in other contest. You can see on http://www.moviebytes.com/ws/index.cfm

I dont have any real expectations of winnning,  it was 2 drafts ago script. Just posted the info for others to aspire to.


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IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  June 29th, 2007, 1:03pm
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Seth
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Hey JD,

I worked my way through the first twenty pages. At this point, I have to say, I like this draft, so far, better than I did the previous one I read. Still, I miss the opening in the church.

I jotted down a  few comments as I read...

Page 1

The knife strikes... Strikes means to hit. Pierce might be more appropriate given that the knife penetrates, passing through two throats before it finally embeds itself in the wood of a rifle.

PAGE 4

Do Troy's guns, literally, fly to the ground, or do they simply drop? After flying to the ground, they quickly fly back into Troy's hands. Lots of flying about, perhaps too much.

Morbid's hands open and the bullets hit Troy's guns. This could be more descriptive. Do the bullets shoot, so to speak, from his hands? If so, consider describing it.

PAGE 5

A ceramic tile hangs on the wall of two small hands. This is awkward. Maybe try, A ceramic tile, of two small hands, hangs on a wall.

PAGE 6

Apartment store should be Department - typo.

Non Sense should be  Nonsense - typo

PAGE 7

Johna's smile drops and turns to Sarah. Maybe try, Johna's smile drops. She turns to Sarah. Or, Johna, smile dropping, turns to Sarah.

There are a few dropped commas. For examle, I love you(,) okay?

PAGE 9

Not sure I like how the last couple of scenes played out. First a near miss, then a hit. Thinking about it, I think the scenes would work better, would have more of a dramatic impact if the hit occured more quickly after the miss.

First the miss. The two, Johna and Sarah, have just enough time to exhale a sigh of relief, believing themselves safe, then HIT!  

PAGE 10

Johna is given an age (41). She's already, on page six, been described as being 42. Does the scene on page ten take place in the past ... or is this just a typo? I'm guessing typo.

Morbid kneels at an altar as sounds of something struggling near by. This makes little sense. I understand, given the context, what you're going for. Still, you should rewrite this.

A blind fold covers his eyes and (there is) duct tape around his mouth.

Does Marc's mouth tear away, or just the tape that was fixed to his mouth? Might want to correct this.

PAGE 12

Does Troy not save Johna because he doesn't want to abuse his powers?

PAGE 13

Troy straightens his composure ... maybe try, Troy composes himself, pulls out a flask.

Troy, drunkenly, walks ... He's just been booted from a bar. That said, drop the adverb, we know he's drunk.

PAGE 15

I think Pia, in a previous post, commented that you chould change the name listed on the slug line from QUANTUM MECHANICS to something, anything, else. I agree.  

PAGE 16

...toward the surveillance (camera).

Minor nit -- sometimes you write toward and sometimes towards. Pick one. Keep it consistent.

PAGE 18

The powers have been employed so many times that when the Mime, finally, is seen, it lacks drama.

I'll finish up tomorrow.

Seth



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Seth  -  June 29th, 2007, 4:32pm
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Quoted from Seth
Hey JD,

Does Troy not save Johna because he doesn't want to abuse his powers?



pg 5 and  14
MORBID (O.C.)
Anyone who abuses the power without consent will meet their fate."

Great suggestions so far (already made some changes u suggested), I actually just noticed I had uploaded my 6th draft version without typo corrections,but u did pick up afew I need to change. With that say I uploaded most up to date, so please just reload the pdf ( will read 100pg) instead of 99


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Hey JD,

Having finished the script, and given it some thought, I've concluded that, imo, there are really only two problems that need to be addressed. 1) Your misuse of the term quantum theory, twisting it in an attempt to make it fit your story. While few understand quantum mecahics, enough people, lay people, will know that you're misapplying the term. Doing so will, no doubt, take them out of the story. That said, I think you need to find a more obscure science to exploit.

2) The monkey thing.  I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  

You've got an interesting, well paced story -- minus the monkey talk -- one that I'd love to see on the big screen.

A few notes as I went along:  

PAGE 28 cases should be case .... Haha, I was tring to figure out what a 'water stair cases' was.

PAGE 33

'Breaking and enter' should be 'breaking and entering'

PAGE 37

No more death ... an effective line serving to explain Troy's willingness, at this point, to use the powers.

PAGE 42

I wonder if it might benefit the story to explain,  briefly, the mechaincs behind shielding?

PAGE 53

I'm not sure you're using 'summons' correctly -- The gun summons to the mime. Maybe, the mime summons the gun?

PAGE 54

(a) SWAT VAN ...back to the word summons. You might want to use different words... Summons is used so often that it gets kind of boring reading it.

PAGE 60

Seismograph ... this should be removed...Go with EEG.The EEG, according to Wikipedia, "is capable of detecting changes in electrical activity in the brain..."

PAGE 64

I like the gruff way Hynek salks, but I doubt he'd use double neagtives. Might want to remove those.

PAGE 66

Hynek lights more cigarettes. How many? I suspect just one. If this is so, rewrite the sentence.

PAGE 67

Seprated of ... should be by.

Hynek says, "Quantum theory baby!" What? I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  

PAGE 70

With respect to quantum theory, quantum does not mean 'large amount'. Taking the term and twisting it as you've done only serves to take the reader of the story. You've got to find a different angle.

PAGE 79

Dr. Zahn set the robbery at the bar. Nice.





Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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JD_OK
Posted: July 1st, 2007, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Seth
Hey JD,

Having finished the script, and given it some thought, I've concluded that, imo, there are really only two problems that need to be addressed. 1) Your misuse of the term quantum theory, twisting it in an attempt to make it fit your story. While few understand quantum mecahics, enough people, lay people, will know that you're misapplying the term. Doing so will, no doubt, take them out of the story. That said, I think you need to find a more obscure science to exploit.


I think u are misunderstanding. Quantum theory that Im using, is the Large Amount/Enough theory, not Quantum mechanics on which ur thinkin of.

I clearly explain my use of quantum means and that theory ( which is a real theory, proven)


Quoted from Seth

2) The monkey thing.  I don't get it. I don't see the connection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  


I dunno, it I explain it as simple as it gets. When Enough of a species believe, see and conceive a thing. it becomes a group consciousness thing. Think of it as evolution, everything adepts to the environment, when a change is needed the whole colony takes on the new characteristics of a change.

In the case with the monkey (u can google the experiment, 100th monkey)

This is a metaphor to show if one enlightened person was to show the human race of what they are all capable of, they too could use do extraordinary things.

It based on knowledge. Think of the WRIGHT brothers, b4 they came along MAn believed if they were meant to fly the they would have wings.

They showed the world by building the 1st plane/engines that man can fly. Which they teaches, we now have jets and space ships. They changed the world.

Quoted from Seth

You've got an interesting, well paced story -- minus the monkey talk -- one that I'd love to see on the big screen.


Thanks, but i fairly think the monkey story is one of most interesting parts of it.




Quoted from Seth

PAGE 37

No more death ... an effective line serving to explain Troy's willingness, at this point, to use the powers.


Thank u for noticing!




Quoted from Seth

PAGE 60

Seismograph ... this should be removed...Go with EEG.The EEG, according to Wikipedia, "is capable of detecting changes in electrical activity in the brain..."


Nice tip  

Quoted from Seth

PAGE 64

I like the gruff way Hynek salks, but I doubt he'd use double neagtives. Might want to remove those.


its part of his character,thx!


Quoted from Seth

Hynek says, "Quantum theory baby!" What? I don't get it. I don't see the conection between the monkeys, their behaviour, and quantum theory.  


explained above

Quoted from Seth

PAGE 70

With respect to quantum theory, quantum does not mean 'large amount'. Taking the term and twisting it as you've done only serves to take the reader of the story. You've got to find a different angle.


Yes it does. http://www.webster.com/dictionary/quantum

adjective form

Thanks for the read mate and ur good feedback! I'll be lookin out for more stuff from ya!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Kamran Nikhad
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I gotta tell you, this draft, if anything else, shows you more then before so far, and the extra scenes you've been adding so far have been outstanding bud.  This is all I have to say so far:

PG 7

SARAH
Hell yeah!  Thanks!

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but that seemed to be a bit of an inappropriate response to her mother telling her she'd pay for her pedicure, lol.  I think enthusiasm was on the money, but to her mother, saying "hell yeah", doesn't suit well.

PG 10

The new scene with Sarah and Johna seemed to work well.  It showed how good their relationship was, and how Sarah, although Johna's opposed to it, does seem to still care about her dad.

But my issue with the scene that Troy enters in seems to be a bit too short, like her death comes sudden, which is fine, but so far, it's like we're cut off before Troy can really react.

PG 11

Now this new scene with Morbid takes the cake so far.  His lines are getting much better from each update I've seen.  

Morbid leans towards Marc's ear.

MORBID
I was reborn.

After all of Morbid's amazing and sofisticated dialogue in previous drafts, this goes without a doubt as my favorite Morbid qoute, just wanted to get that out, lol.

I strongly urge you to keep this new scene, there's much more depth to Morbid now, and him speaking about the origins of himself and Arkon was simply flawless.  And seeing Marc being...'reborn' like Morbid, his new mentality, his now fearless state, shows you both that Morbid was the same way, and it also shows you how much power Morbid has.

I'll post the rest of my thoughts when I finish up, which shouldn't be too long from now, but great work so far.  And as far as the first 30 pages go, this new draft is certainly more improved and fun to read then the previous draft.  Keep it up bud.  


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
I gotta tell you, this draft, if anything else, shows you more then before so far, and the extra scenes you've been adding so far have been outstanding bud.  This is all I have to say so far:

PG 7

SARAH
Hell yeah!  Thanks!

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but that seemed to be a bit of an inappropriate response to her mother telling her she'd pay for her pedicure, lol.  I think enthusiasm was on the money, but to her mother, saying "hell yeah", doesn't suit well.


Thanks for ur input here. Any suggestion on what might be said? I'm for real its hard to gage what a female might sure to this state from her mother, so what whatever u might suggest is welcome to replace this line!

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

PG 10

The new scene with Sarah and Johna seemed to work well.  It showed how good their relationship was, and how Sarah, although Johna's opposed to it, does seem to still care about her dad.


Great, That is what I was shooting for, short and sweet. to get across what was needed to express this and "slow" down the pace a minute.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

But my issue with the scene that Troy enters in seems to be a bit too short, like her death comes sudden, which is fine, but so far, it's like we're cut off before Troy can really react.

any suggestions to improve?


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

PG 11

Now this new scene with Morbid takes the cake so far.  His lines are getting much better from each update I've seen.  

Morbid leans towards Marc's ear.

MORBID
I was reborn.

After all of Morbid's amazing and sofisticated dialogue in previous drafts, this goes without a doubt as my favorite Morbid qoute, just wanted to get that out, lol.


Thanks, this was just added becuz of feedback, gettin alil more depth and back story between him and arkon without going into too much detail. I'm glad it acme across smooth for u.

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I strongly urge you to keep this new scene, there's much more depth to Morbid now, and him speaking about the origins of himself and Arkon was simply flawless.  And seeing Marc being...'reborn' like Morbid, his new mentality, his now fearless state, shows you both that Morbid was the same way, and it also shows you how much power Morbid has.


definitely! I added the new scene to strengthen and add more to the characters and story. I have not intent on removing  but only improving these new scenes

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

I'll post the rest of my thoughts when I finish up, which shouldn't be too long from now, but great work so far.  And as far as the first 30 pages go, this new draft is certainly more improved and fun to read then the previous draft.  Keep it up bud.  


Thank! but please dont waste ur time, only new stuff is after the 1st 30 pages is with sarah and troy pg 68 and addrf hartley character change at the end with director (that I remember)

I appreciate ur feedback!!! When r u gonna send me 1st draft?!!?!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Kamran Nikhad
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Quoted from JD_OK


Thanks for ur input here. Any suggestion on what might be said? I'm for real its hard to gage what a female might sure to this state from her mother, so what whatever u might suggest is welcome to replace this line!


Great, That is what I was shooting for, short and sweet. to get across what was needed to express this and "slow" down the pace a minute.

any suggestions to improve?



Thanks, this was just added becuz of feedback, gettin alil more depth and back story between him and arkon without going into too much detail. I'm glad it acme across smooth for u.


definitely! I added the new scene to strengthen and add more to the characters and story. I have not intent on removing  but only improving these new scenes


Thank! but please dont waste ur time, only new stuff is after the 1st 30 pages is with sarah and troy pg 68 and addrf hartley character change at the end with director (that I remember)

I appreciate ur feedback!!! When r u gonna send me 1st draft?!!?!


*sigh* plans have changed.  I've spent the past four months reviewing the entire plot over and over, on paper, in my head, the whole bit, and in the end, there are simply WAAAY too many issues coming up, I have to rewrite the ENTIRE thing now, changing the plot all together, keeping some aspects the same, but most of it is getting scrapped, because it's a trilogy, and seeing so many differences within the second over the first and third just doesn't work, so I'll be fixing up the first draft sometime within the next few months or so.

As for NC, regardless of major and minor changes, it's no problem, like I've said, it's always entertaining to read.  I'll just note the changes you mentioned and call it a day.  

EDIT:  Oh, and as for how to change those two scenes, well, for the daughter, I think maybe just, "Awesome, thanks a lot Mom," or, "All right, thanks Mom."

And with Troy, I think maybe just showing Troy react after saying I can't, I'm not too sure sorry.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf

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Kamran Nikhad  -  July 10th, 2007, 11:28pm
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aurorawriter
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Hey JD,

Here's my review of the script through page 50.  I'll get the rest posted as soon as I can -- maybe even today...

p. 2  Blood and smoke spews from his neck.  Should be spew.

p. 2  ‘forth’ should be ‘fourth’

p. 3  ‘His head collapses’ – I’m not sure what this means.  Does he collapse?  Or does his head fall off?  Or does he just drop his head onto the table?  Be careful of non-specific descriptions like this.  Something like this puts a question into the reader’s head, when what should be there is a picture.

p. 4 you don’t need an apostrophe after the word “passeth” in Morbid’s dialogue.

p. 5  You’re saying “Present” in your slugline, but you never said that the previous scenes were in the past.  You probably want to have some kind of super or something saying “Five Years Ago” or “Troy’s Dream” or whatever.  It’s really unclear what’s happening there.

p. 5-6  I’d recommend spicing up your character descriptions.  You really are allowed to take some liberties as long as it’s the first time you introduce the character.  Tell us what these people are like.

p. 6  whatever is one word, not two; also ‘dad’ should be capitalized in Sarah’s dialogue.

p. 8-9 Johna’s dialogue.  “all the things that has happened” should be “have happened”  Also, “semi honks its’ horn” no apostrophe needed after its, or after shoulda (I’m noticing a lot of these misplaced apostrophes)  Also, I would rethink having them just barely avoid one semi only to be hit by another.  The chances of that are so small – and it’s been done before.  Just have them get hit by the first one.

p. 9  Troy’s dialogue, “to fast” should be “too fast”

p. 10  You’re missing a word here: “There sounds of someone whimpering” should be “There are sounds”

p. 13  I would stay away from names like Gangster One, Two and Three.  Give us something more interesting.  Call them Mean, Meaner and Meanest.  Or give us something that makes them seem like characters, and not cardboard cutouts.

p. 19  The Mime shoulder should be The Mime’s shoulder

p. 20  I’m stopping here to say that here we are, on page 20, and it’s not clear to me what the story’s about.  I’m guessing that Troy is your protagonist, but I don’t have a clear idea of anything at this point.  For a 99 page script, that shouldn’t be the case.

p. 20 be sure to keep your sluglines consistent.  You’ve got Quantum Mechanics – Security Room, and just Security Room.  They should all be the same.

p. 21  Is this university scene in Troy’s classroom still 3 years ahead?  With so many jumps in time, you need to be super-conscious of making it easy to follow your script.

p. 24  plexy glass should be plexiglass.  It’s one word.

p. 27 man made should be hyphenated

p. 30  Okay, so now I’m beginning to get an idea of the story.  I think this needs to happen earlier, though, and you need to really think about what needs to be in the set-up.  As it is, it’s very sprawling, you’ve got a lot of characters (too many for a reader to really keep track of) and I think the set-up lacks focus.

p. 32  I think your action could be more efficiently written.  Here’s an example:  “Hartley comes out as Troy enters a cab.  She gets a good look at the cab number and writes down the information.”  That’s 22 words.  All of the pertinent information could be conveyed like this: “Troy hails a taxi.  Hartley watches, jots down the cab’s number.”  11 words, and yet it conveys the exact same information.  Always be aiming for more white space.

p. 34  Hartley’s dialogue: “Don’t get my wrong” should be “me wrong”

p. 41  “He’s one cracked out mime.”  Something about this dialogue just doesn’t ring true.  Kent may be a tough guy, but somehow the fact that The Mime stapled his arms to the chair with knives makes it difficult for me to believe he’d be so casual about it.

p. 43, no apostrophe needed at the end of anywho

p. 46 Morbid lays a hand the file – you’re missing a word here

p. 47-48 This dialogue between Johna and Troy seems a little forced.  I think the problem is that they’re saying exactly what they mean.  There’s no subtext.  Most people, when they argue, don’t say what they mean.

p. 50 “As he walks, her cell phone summons to him.”  Either he summons the phone, or it flies to him.  The sentence is confusing.  I’ve noticed quite a few instances – you’ve got a very complicated story here.  I’m sure that it’s easy to follow for you, because you MADE it.  But don’t let your knowledge of your story get in the way of conveying it clearly to the reader.

And that brings me to this: we’re on page 50.  I’m still not sure what the story is about, really.  I know Troy’s the protagonist, but what does he want?  It’s not at all clear to me.  Maybe he wants Johna back?  Maybe he wants to catch the Mime?  Maybe he is the Mime!  Maybe he wants to get rid of his powers?  I don’t know, and that’s a problem.  I get the impression that you’re holding back here, trying to keep some things secret.  Secrets are fine – good, even – but too many of them can render a script confusing.


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aurorawriter
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Here's the rest of my review.  I hope it helps!

p. 52  You definitely have a knack for writing fast-paced action sequences.  I think that’s really your forte.  You just need to be careful of typos and stuff – there are a lot of them, and it detracts from the smoothness of the read.

p. 57  I really like that Sarah’s The Mime.  That was an effective reveal.

p. 59  Much as I shudder at this, it’s actually Rice Krispies, not Rice Crispies.  I *hate* when manufacturers do that.

p. 60  I have a suggestion about the flashbacks.  You need to establish a clearer timeline.  When is this scene with Sarah happening, in relation to the other scenes.  Maybe the solution is to use years?  Like 2007, then 2010 for three years later, 1997 for ten years ago?  I think it would make the story a lot easier to follow.

p. 62 daddy should be capitalized in Sarah’s dialogue

p. 64  Hynek’s dialogue, “a group of scientist” should be “scientists”; also “out break monkeys” should be “outbreak monkeys,” and if he’s referring to the movie Outbreak, then that words needs to be capitalized

p. 66  Hynek’s dialogue, the singular of phenomena is phenomenon.

p. 70 “mom” in Sarah’s dialogue should be capitalized.  The rule for this is if you’re using “Mom” like it’s someone’s name, you cap it.  So, “Mom said we had to be home by five!”  But in a situation where you’re using phrases like “my mom” or “your mom,” don’t cap it.

p. 77  It’s not “nadda,” it’s “nada.”  Also, there’s another misplaced apostrophe there.

p. 87 scared marine should be Scared Marine – character names, even when they’re descriptive like this one, should always be capitalized

Okay, I really like the ending.  I think you have the seeds of a great story here.  The problem, as I see it, is that you’re keeping SO many secrets, that the spine of your story is getting lost here.  Once I got to the end, I got what you were going for.  But you have, in my opinion, too many characters, too many unclear flashbacks, and too much mystery for the *sake* of mystery.  I get that you were going for a big twist at the end – and I appreciate that! – but you need to take the reader into consideration.  This was a tough read, because I felt completely at sea most of the time and what was going on wasn’t interesting enough, in and of itself, to make up for all the stuff that I didn’t understand.  

I think you need to focus the story more narrowly.  Give Troy a clear-cut goal in the present (whenever that is) to keep the story moving while the elaborate revenge plot is going on in the background.  And I honestly think you need some more set-up with Troy and Sarah for a reader to feel that her intense anger is justified.  Even if you don’t come right out and talk about her having powers (which you shouldn’t, because really, that part of the secret is good) you need to put a bit more thought into their relationship because that’s really the heart of your story.

I hope this helps – thanks again for reviewing Fight Belle.

Aimee


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JD_OK
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Quoted from aurorawriter
Hey JD,

Here's my review of the script through page 50.  I'll get the rest posted as soon as I can -- maybe even today...

p. 2  Blood and smoke spews from his neck.  Should be spew.

p. 2  ï¿½forth� should be �fourth�

p. 3  ï¿½His head collapses� � I�m not sure what this means.  Does he collapse?  Or does his head fall off?  Or does he just drop his head onto the table?  Be careful of non-specific descriptions like this.  Something like this puts a question into the reader�s head, when what should be there is a picture.

p. 4 you don�t need an apostrophe after the word �passeth� in Morbid�s dialogue.


Thanks for all the misspelling u pointed out, I appreciate those alot!


Quoted from aurorawriter


p. 5  You�re saying �Present� in your slugline, but you never said that the previous scenes were in the past.  You probably want to have some kind of super or something saying �Five Years Ago� or �Troy�s Dream� or whatever.  It�s really unclear what�s happening there.


I did, super:  BRAZIL, SOUTH AMERICA 1987... MISSION LAND-LINE
under 1st scene heading of the script.

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 5-6  I�d recommend spicing up your character descriptions.  You really are allowed to take some liberties as long as it�s the first time you introduce the character.  Tell us what these people are like.

Noted. im going to look into this.

p. 6  whatever is one word, not two; also �dad� should be capitalized in Sarah�s dialogue.

Quoted from aurorawriter

Also, I would rethink having them just barely avoid one semi only to be hit by another.  The chances of that are so small � and it�s been done before.  Just have them get hit by the first one.


You r not the 1st to say this, i think I just might


Quoted from aurorawriter


p. 13  I would stay away from names like Gangster One, Two and Three.  Give us something more interesting.  Call them Mean, Meaner and Meanest.  Or give us something that makes them seem like characters, and not cardboard cutouts.


Noted


Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 20  I�m stopping here to say that here we are, on page 20, and it�s not clear to me what the story�s about.  I�m guessing that Troy is your protagonist, but I don�t have a clear idea of anything at this point.  For a 99 page script, that shouldn�t be the case.


Well it does have a goal but is a clue,  Sarah asks him "what do u want from me"
Troy: I want us to be a family again" page 13, but i will elaborate on this more in 1st 40, and at the end of script.

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 20 be sure to keep your sluglines consistent.  You�ve got Quantum Mechanics � Security Room, and just Security Room.  They should all be the same.


fixed

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 21  Is this university scene in Troy�s classroom still 3 years ahead?  With so many jumps in time, you need to be super-conscious of making it easy to follow your script.


I really dont see how it was hard to keep with the time. Its starts in 1987, then Present with an older Troy, then another sooner later that says 3 years later, and the rest of time jumps are indicated with FLASH BACKS/ END FLASHBACK


Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 30  Okay, so now I�m beginning to get an idea of the story.  I think this needs to happen earlier, though, and you need to really think about what needs to be in the set-up.  As it is, it�s very sprawling, you�ve got a lot of characters (too many for a reader to really keep track of) and I think the set-up lacks focus.


What would u suggest to correcting this?


Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 41  ï¿½He�s one cracked out mime.�  Something about this dialogue just doesn�t ring true.  Kent may be a tough guy, but somehow the fact that The Mime stapled his arms to the chair with knives makes it difficult for me to believe he�d be so casual about it.


Good point, i changed it up.

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 47-48 This dialogue between Johna and Troy seems a little forced.  I think the problem is that they�re saying exactly what they mean.  There�s no subtext.  Most people, when they argue, don�t say what they mean.


I see, I think Im going to totally remove this or switch it up.

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 50 �As he walks, her cell phone summons to him.�  Either he summons the phone, or it flies to him.  The sentence is confusing.  I�ve noticed quite a few instances � you�ve got a very complicated story here.  I�m sure that it�s easy to follow for you, because you MADE it.  But don�t let your knowledge of your story get in the way of conveying it clearly to the reader.


I will make it all to one thing


Quoted from aurorawriter

And that brings me to this: we�re on page 50.  I�m still not sure what the story is about, really.  I know Troy�s the protagonist, but what does he want?  It�s not at all clear to me.  Maybe he wants Johna back?  Maybe he wants to catch the Mime?  Maybe he is the Mime!  Maybe he wants to get rid of his powers?  I don�t know, and that�s a problem.  I get the impression that you�re holding back here, trying to keep some things secret.  Secrets are fine � good, even � but too many of them can render a script confusing.


I hear you and I'm going for something different and original/unpredictable while trying to maintain 3 act structure. so The big twists come at the end and then u r like Wow, now it all makes end more sense, for those people who try and figure out a movie b4 hand/during appreciate being fooled/left in the dark but the actual clues are there.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  August 29th, 2007, 9:53pm
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Quoted from aurorawriter
Here's the rest of my review.  I hope it helps!

p. 52  You definitely have a knack for writing fast-paced action sequences.  I think that�s really your forte.  You just need to be careful of typos and stuff � there are a lot of them, and it detracts from the smoothness of the read.


Thanks, ill do my best to find those.

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 57  I really like that Sarah�s The Mime.  That was an effective reveal.


Good deal

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 59  Much as I shudder at this, it�s actually Rice Krispies, not Rice Crispies.  I *hate* when manufacturers do that.


Shudder that u didnt like it?

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 60  I have a suggestion about the flashbacks.  You need to establish a clearer timeline.  When is this scene with Sarah happening, in relation to the other scenes.  Maybe the solution is to use years?  Like 2007, then 2010 for three years later, 1997 for ten years ago?  I think it would make the story a lot easier to follow.


This comes part of the reader to fill in the blanks. The flashback with sarah had to happen during those three years that  we jumped forward and reminded by sarah  on page 68, since last we saw her, her face wasnt scarred

Quoted from aurorawriter

p. 66  Hynek�s dialogue, the singular of phenomena is phenomenon.


Its right, bcuz its more then one monkey doing it and it is continuous through other monkeys on other islands


Quoted from aurorawriter

Okay, I really like the ending.  I think you have the seeds of a great story here.  The problem, as I see it, is that you�re keeping SO many secrets, that the spine of your story is getting lost here.  Once I got to the end, I got what you were going for.  But you have, in my opinion, too many characters, too many unclear flashbacks, and too much mystery for the *sake* of mystery.  I get that you were going for a big twist at the end � and I appreciate that! � but you need to take the reader into consideration.  This was a tough read, because I felt completely at sea most of the time and what was going on wasn�t interesting enough, in and of itself, to make up for all the stuff that I didn�t understand.  


Thank you regarding the ending.  Glad to see u got what I was intending, but I will dig more to "clearer" goal for Troy in the beginning while still making it subtle

Quoted from aurorawriter

  And I honestly think you need some more set-up with Troy and Sarah for a reader to feel that her intense anger is justified.  Even if you don�t come right out and talk about her having powers (which you shouldn�t, because really, that part of the secret is good) you need to put a bit more thought into their relationship because that�s really the heart of your story.

I hope this helps � thanks again for reviewing Fight Belle.

Aimee


i think I ill find some more ways to amp this up within 1st 50 pages. Thanks for thoughtful and intelligent review
QUESTIONS:

How was the dialog for you?
Structure?
twists and turns? (beside sarah)
Characters?
the basic plot?


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JD_OK
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hey now, I've been gone too long and havent really shown the attention i need back into writing and these boards. Hopefully I will be back in full gear again.


I recently got 2nd place at a competition and attended  another awards ceremony.

http://script2screenfest.tripod.com/id110.html


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Seth
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JD,

That's fantastic, congrats!

Seth

BTW, never mind my avatar: I know how much members of the board like emos, so I thought I'd give 'em somethin' to look at

...Now back to my sabbatical.


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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dogglebe
Posted: November 9th, 2007, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Congrats.

I assume that's you in the first photo, holding the certificate.  But WTF is going on in the fifth picture?


Phil
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medstudent
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Congrats JD.

Holy Crap! That is probably the funniest thing (5th picture) I've seen in awhile! I wonder if anyone from the festival has noticed it!? Wow! I can't stop laughing!


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tomson
Posted: November 9th, 2007, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations JD. I know you worked really hard on that script.


I believe JD is to the left of the guy in that pic.

The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too.

I bet they will remove that pic soon.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 9th, 2007, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, JD. Hope your success keeps going. Now, when are we going to see Isolated?

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Quoted from tomson


The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too.


That's the event organizer, Thaddeus Goldendong.

He was just excited at how well the ceremony went.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Congrats JD. Must have been a great night.  

That 5th picture is a classic.  
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Seth
JD,

That's fantastic, congrats!

Seth

BTW, never mind my avatar: I know how much members of the board like emos, so I thought I'd give 'em somethin' to look at

...Now back to my sabbatical.


Thanks seth! How u been? yea that avatar is like 'whoa'...


Quoted from dogglebe
Congrats.

I assume that's you in the first photo, holding the certificate.  But WTF is going on in the fifth picture?


Phil


Thank u my friend! I'm brown guy dressed in white blaza. Also congrats to u on getting finalist at the skriekfest contest!
I didnt notice it until yall did. Comedy!!!!

O and I finally get what u been sayin about my character dimenions, thiat is my next task on my new draft


Quoted from medstudent
Congrats JD.

Holy Crap! That is probably the funniest thing (5th picture) I've seen in awhile! I wonder if anyone from the festival has noticed it!? Wow! I can't stop laughing!


Thanks med, how things goin for u?
yea its funny 4 sure


Quoted from tomson
Congratulations JD. I know you worked really hard on that script.


I believe JD is to the left of the guy in that pic.

The 5th pic....hahaha and what a big grin he has on his face too.

I bet they will remove that pic soon.


Thanks my friend, but i need to work harder at it! So many next time ill take 1st in one or place in  a major competition.
How r ur works coming along?


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Congrats, JD. Hope your success keeps going. Now, when are we going to see Isolated?

Gabe


Thanks bro!! Hope early in08, I've been SO distracted chasing women since i broke up with my EX and moved away from her in aug. So hopefully I've get a g/f soon and focus back on writing and reading other peoples work


Quoted from mcornetto
Congrats JD. Must have been a great night.  

That 5th picture is a classic.  


Thx man, yea was entertaining, lots of people


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JD_OK  -  November 9th, 2007, 8:35pm
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Kamran Nikhad
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Congrats on your reward bud, although in my eyes, Newton's Cradle deserves first place in any competition, haha, but hey, it's still one of the best reads I've ever had man.

I wish you luck in future competitions and good luck with the development of Newtons Cradle my man..


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
Congrats on your reward bud, although in my eyes, Newton's Cradle deserves first place in any competition, haha, but hey, it's still one of the best reads I've ever had man.

I wish you luck in future competitions and good luck with the development of Newtons Cradle my man..



Thanks bigk! I recently updated the script, adding more to it. Making characters more 3d and real. And tweaked up th dialogue.

Link on here is down. Just waiting for don to post new link which can be found here

http://www.ruthlesslifestyle.com/jdizzle/newtons.pdf


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greg
Posted: December 22nd, 2007, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Okay done.  

I went through the 642 pages of reviews to find what I wrote on it earlier this year and then to compare what I thought of the new draft.  I think the newer draft is far more tightened up and it brings you farther into the story, but at the same time I still felt there was some clumsiness going on.

Here are the notes I took which will help give a better idea at where I'm coming from:

*12-The dialogue before the crash seems unnecessary and actually kind of forced/cliched.  They're driving along lalala Sarah, even though my relationship with your father stinks, I'm thankful to have you blah blah blah gets hit by truck.  I think if they were talking about anything else at all it would have been better.
*18-Yo B'?  B?  I've heard a lot of slang in my time, but B?  What the hell is that?
*I think you can get rid of the continues.   That's pretty much obsolete stuff now.
*I'm still looking to see why Troy can't help these people.  I'm keeping an eye out for it(kinda fixed upon completion, I'll get to that).
*20-Is Patrol Eight supposed to be Hill?
*21-Same deal with Burr.
*24-Blowing off peace negotiations with the Middle East, huh? hahah. That is so the Bush administration.
*28-Extra space between second exchange of Director and Hartley.
*34-Sorry, there's all this build up to capturing Troy and there's all these cops outside the university and they take him in for questioning and then a minute later they let him go?  Seems like a whole lot of build up to a whole lot of nothin'.  
*40-Robbing a bar?  I know people there would have money on them, but why go into such a crowded public place with obvious security all over the place?  I just think it's the most peculiar spot to rob, especially at night(this came together at the end, but I still had an issue with it).
*42-Hartley tells Troy that he can't just leave the crime scene...but then the very next scene she's leaving with him.  On the phone she says "I owe you one" which I guess could be her thanking some dude for covering for her...but then again, would an FBI agent do that?  They kinda need her there at the crime scene cause she witnessed it first hand...speaking of which, what about the robbers?  They're still in there!  I know they were beaten up a little bit, but they're certainly not dead.  
*43-Extra space between Kent and Harltey's first exchange.
*50-Hartley exits directly underneath dialogue.
*62-Troy seems to need a lot of time to think, but for what?
*62-Why'd he tazer him?
*67-Good imagery with the electrocution.
*75-This VO speech you have of Hynek here is really good where he says who wants the power, who has it, abuses it, etc.  Good stuff.
*84-So Zahn is at the head of this thing, huh?  Okay, well, I guess that repents a few of my earlier comments, but I've also got some new ones...actually, lemme just finish.
*87-Again...the rape attempt...it just seems out of place.
*90-Extra space between descriptions at top
*95-Why did Hartley just thank him?  Troy didn't do crap for her! Unless I'm missing something...

Okay, as stated above, I think you took a leap forward with this draft.  Before I praise what went right here, let me just get out of the way the stuff that didn't.  

In March 25th review I wrote

Quoted Text
I think what really caught me off guard here was the incredible volume of characters that are included in here.  It seemed like on every page there was someone new being introduced and they came from some agency or enforcement branch or something.  That being said, I think half of the characters could be eliminated and it wouldn't take anything away from the story.  Specifically, Rallins, McCaine, Duncan and a bunch of minor characters who probably didn't really merit names because their parts were so small, guys like Moore, Thompson, etc.  


In this draft I was happy to see that I wasn't overwhelmed.  There were times where I still didn't feel comfortable, however, and I think some of that ties into how the characters are brought into the story.  So, Rallins was working for McCaine...but he was also working for Morbid, who in turn was Arkon's puppet.  Right?  And then you have Dr. Zaun who seems to have a completely different agenda and it appears that he's the prime antagonist here.  I repeat, while I didn't feel overwhelmed, I still felt a little lost at times.  I do like how you boosted up Zaun's character, but a day after finishing the script, I'm still not set in stone on Rallins or McCaine.

Troy and Sarah I felt were much improved.  Troy comes off as a strange guy -- almost too strange at times -- and I think that benefited him.  I think what could benefit him more is just one more piece of personality to round him out.  A quirk.  A gag.  A sense of humor.  Something.  That and another piece of backbone to help his relationship with Hartley.  Man, with those two I felt one was going left and the other was going right, then the other would go right and the other would go left, but they'd never meet in the middle, so, while they spoke a lot, it seemed like they were different dimensions.  I mean, she offers to help him, then he doesn't take it, then he wants it, then she doesn't, then she does, then they're running around, then she says thank you for apparently no reason at all other than to end everything on a happy note and make everyone go home satisfied.  I need more of a backbone connecting those two to really be convinced of their sincerity.

As much criticalness as I'm bringing to the table for characters here, there's also several positive aspects.  Hynek was cool, as always.  I remember in the last draft I read, he was going on and on and on and on and on about all this stuff and just talking, but here you condensed it down and put it in a nice montage to explain it better.  Are you planning a sequel for this?  One thing I noticed was Arkon is this alpha guy, but he doesn't really have any first person involvement with anybody.  And the way the story ends, it seems that you're going for a sequel.  I liked how you included the story of how he got these powers and connected them to Jesus.  Those additions were all big bonuses for me.

One thing I wanna suggest in case you feel you want to add more...why  not bring in some dorky Trekkie or something for more comic relief?  I mean, you got the government the FBI, the cops, the CIA, NBC, TNT, NBA, lord knows who else..why not bring the sci-fi channel in, too?  Just to liven things up a bit and glue down stuff.  Just a thought...

Noticed Stahl was gone.  No complaints.  Still feel sour on the rape attempt from Duncan.  Still don't feel he's a primary character.  He could probably be merged with Rallins and suddenly it's the stone that killed two birds.  Now, after all my bitching about characters, I did like the addition of Morez.  It's that kind of subtle quirkiness that this story needs a little more of.  Aside from him and Hynek, this is 103 pages of really serious stuff.  A good chuckle here and there can only help.

Storywise you did a good job of richening it up with more back story.  The addition of the Arkon stuff, sharpening up of explanations, and I also felt a lot of the dialogue flowed better.  So...kudos to you.  Good job.  Any questions or stuff let me know!


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JD_OK
Posted: December 23rd, 2007, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Okay done.  

I went through the 642 pages of reviews to find what I wrote on it earlier this year and then to compare what I thought of the new draft.  I think the newer draft is far more tightened up and it brings you farther into the story, but at the same time I still felt there was some clumsiness going on.


Here are the notes I took which will help give a better idea at where I'm coming from:

Quoted from greg

*12-The dialogue before the crash seems unnecessary and actually kind of forced/cliched.  They're driving along lalala Sarah, even though my relationship with your father stinks, I'm thankful to have you blah blah blah gets hit by truck.  I think if they were talking about anything else at all it would have been better.


Great suggestion, i've been thinking about this scene and i will change it. i should use the scene to give johna more personality so can feel sympathy since she is about to die

Quoted from greg

*18-Yo B'?  B?  I've heard a lot of slang in my time, but B?  What the hell is that?

Just short for some one's name. Like yo T, T for Tyrone, B for Bobby

Quoted from greg

*I think you can get rid of the continues.   That's pretty much obsolete stuff now.
Yea I didnt use to use them, but they arent lookd down on.

Quoted from greg

*I'm still looking to see why Troy can't help these people.  I'm keeping an eye out for it(kinda fixed upon completion, I'll get to that).

can't abuse the power, he still scared

Quoted from greg

*20-Is Patrol Eight supposed to be Hill?
*21-Same deal with Burr.

Yea I went to  condense the volume of characters that went realy needed to be named. So people reading who find them to be important. Nice memory

Quoted from greg

*24-Blowing off peace negotiations with the Middle East, huh? hahah. That is so the Bush administration.
hehe

Quoted from greg

*28-Extra space between second exchange of Director and Hartley.
thanks for these cataches, fixed

Quoted from greg

*34-Sorry, there's all this build up to capturing Troy and there's all these cops outside the university and they take him in for questioning and then a minute later they let him go?  Seems like a whole lot of build up to a whole lot of nothin'.  

Your right and I'm goin to add a scene with Hartley, askin the same question, so it doesnt seem last a let down build up. Thx for bringing this back up.


Quoted from greg
but then again, would an FBI agent do that?  They kinda need her there at the crime scene cause she witnessed it first hand...speaking of which, what about the robbers?  They're still in there!  I know they were beaten up a little bit, but they're certainly not dead.  


No, proly, but i let it be just up in the air to grasp who gave her the info. But I can fix this since that it is morez, to clear things up.

Quoted from greg

*62-Troy seems to need a lot of time to think, but for what?

To think about what he has to do to since its his daughter that sheis after and what can he do to stop her

Quoted from greg

*62-Why'd he tazer him?

Zan wants him alive, taser best way to take'em down without hurting permanantly

Quoted from greg

*67-Good imagery with the electrocution.
*75-This VO speech you have of Hynek here is really good where he says who wants the power, who has it, abuses it, etc.  Good stuff.
Gracias!

Quoted from greg

*84-So Zahn is at the head of this thing, huh?  Okay, well, I guess that repents a few of my earlier comments, but I've also got some new ones...actually, lemme just finish.
*87-Again...the rape attempt...it just seems out of place.

Yep. I will re think this (rape) and see if I can make less ot of the blue.

Quoted from greg

*95-Why did Hartley just thank him?  Troy didn't do crap for her! Unless I'm missing something...
She never thanked him for saving her life back at the bar.


Quoted from greg

So, Rallins was working for McCaine...but he was also working for Morbid, who in turn was Arkon's puppet.  Right?


Yep, well rallins is in league with Arkon, but works for mcCaine.

Quoted from greg

And then you have Dr. Zaun who seems to have a completely different agenda and it appears that he's the prime antagonist here.  I repeat, while I didn't feel overwhelmed, I still felt a little lost at times.  I do like how you boosted up Zaun's character, but a day after finishing the script, I'm still not set in stone on Rallins or McCaine.


I will boost up rallins to make his goal clear on why he is in league with Arkon

Quoted from greg

Troy and Sarah I felt were much improved.  Troy comes off as a strange guy -- almost too strange at times -- and I think that benefited him.  I think what could benefit him more is just one more piece of personality to round him out.  A quirk.  A gag.  A sense of humor.  Something.  That and another piece of backbone to help his relationship with Hartley.


Good deal, but i do see what u mean on adding alil something else to Troy



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Quoted from greg

Man, with those two I felt one was going left and the other was going right, then the other would go right and the other would go left, but they'd never meet in the middle, so, while they spoke a lot, it seemed like they were different dimensions.


I know what u mean, but they did come together in the middle when she both agreed to take down zahn and sarah, at that moment they were working together for a greater good. Even tho Troy had one more trick up his sleeve Hartley didnt know.

Quoted from greg

  I mean, she offers to help him, then he doesn't take it, then he wants it, then she doesn't, then she does, then they're running around, then she says thank you for apparently no reason at all other than to end everything on a happy note and make everyone go home satisfied.  


She never said thank u to him for saving her at bar and also thanking him for helping her take Sarah and zahn down, that she was able to trust him

Quoted from greg

As much criticalness as I'm bringing to the table for characters here, there's also several positive aspects.


They're all good points u bring up which i aim to fix.

Quoted from greg

Hynek was cool, as always.  I remember in the last draft I read, he was going on and on and on and on and on about all this stuff and just talking, but here you condensed it down and put it in a nice montage to explain it better.


Yea that was one of his problems, alot to explain without explaining too much and make it entertaining at the same time.

Quoted from greg

Are you planning a sequel for this?  One thing I noticed was Arkon is this alpha guy, but he doesn't really have any first person involvement with anybody.  And the way the story ends, it seems that you're going for a sequel.  I liked how you included the story of how he got these powers and connected them to Jesus.  Those additions were all big bonuses for me.


yes I am. Yea Arkon is apart of the story only for the setup for the sequel. So everyone knows there is a bigger challenge that awaits the anti heroes for their actions.
Glad I was able to make the powers make sense/believable way then evolution.

Quoted from greg

One thing I wanna suggest in case you feel you want to add more...why  not bring in some dorky Trekkie or something for more comic relief?  I mean, you got the government the FBI, the cops, the CIA, NBC, TNT, NBA, lord knows who else..why not bring the sci-fi channel in, too?  Just to liven things up a bit and glue down stuff.  Just a thought...


I would like that but would effect over all tone, I will there try and add alil more comic relief that u suggested. The character u suggest here wil play more part which hynek, in the sequel, he is humorous

Quoted from greg

Noticed Stahl was gone.  No complaints.  Still feel sour on the rape attempt from Duncan.  Still don't feel he's a primary character.  He could probably be merged with Rallins and suddenly it's the stone that killed two birds.


I like this suggest tho it poses more story problems if i did which would need fixing but, anything is doable.

Quoted from greg

Now, after all my bitching about characters, I did like the addition of Morez.  It's that kind of subtle quirkiness that this story needs a little more of.  Aside from him and Hynek, this is 103 pages of really serious stuff.  A good chuckle here and there can only help.


Thx =D, and ur right

Quoted from greg

Storywise you did a good job of richening it up with more back story.  The addition of the Arkon stuff, sharpening up of explanations, and I also felt a lot of the dialogue flowed better.  So...kudos to you.  Good job.  Any questions or stuff let me know!


Good deal, thats what i was shooting for.

QUESTIONS:

I added more to morbid and changed his powers. He now has power of sound rather then telekinesis, was it noticeable? Along with dialogue and his traits?

Which the addition of Sarah's speaking scenes in the beginning,do u think it would give it away more she is the mime?


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greg
Posted: December 23rd, 2007, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
QUESTIONS:

I added more to morbid and changed his powers. He now has power of sound rather then telekinesis, was it noticeable? Along with dialogue and his traits?



"Sound is great.  Sound is pure.  Sound is not what I need from you, no more."

When I saw the revisions of Morbid, I didn't really take note of the switch from telekinesis to sound, but rather just saw a character that was more rounded out.  If it's a major flaw you're asking about, I didn't see it.


Quoted Text


Which the addition of Sarah's speaking scenes in the beginning,do u think it would give it away more she is the mime?


Tough question because having read this before I already knew what was coming.  I skimmed back over the first 30 pages and, really, the only line that stings me is when Johna goes on her "you mean everything to me" tirade right before she's killed.  Other than that, I don't think there was any single line that was too foreshadowing as to linking Sarah to the Mime.  

If that doesn't totally answer your questions, let me know.  Keep on crankin'!


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CindyLKeller
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Hey JD,

I just finished reading your script.

I was really impressed with the action sequences. You had me on the edge of my seat.
The descriptions were crystal clear, and the dialogue was great.
I can tell you've put many hours into this.

I do have a few things that I would like to address though...

Your first slugline... shouldn't it be EXT. SKY - NIGHT?

My thoughts about the super and years... I'd omit the year 1987 from the first super, and where you have 2008, I'd just put 19 years later in its place.

I enjoyed watching the relationship between Troy, Sarah, and Johna unfold in the beginning. I really got into the story, but then on page 19 Troy just vanishes after walking down the alley, and I was taken somewhere else to a place 6 months later.

I was kind of like "What just happened here", and felt lost for a while.

Does it really have to be 6 months later?

What if after Troy disappears down the alley we see him fall on his bed and pass out?

That way when the Zahn Corp thing happens we'll think he is having another one of his dreams like Sarah had mentioned earlier...

You could have him wake up on page 23 before the classroom scene.

Then we'll think it was another dream... a miss lead, then the reveal (a turning point) will come on page 24 at the Pentagon.

On page 70 you have INT. ISLAND
page 78 EXT. HYNEK - NIGHT

I felt so bad when Sarah died on page 94.
I knew her evil side though, and I thought okay, maybe that was a good way for her to go out...

but then the end came... and I was very happy to see how it worked out for her, Troy, too.

You left the script open for a part II, too.  

A very good read. Action packed, and very entertaining.

Thanks for calling my attention to it. I usually don't visit the Action section, and I found out that I've been missing a lot.

Cindy


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JD_OK
Posted: January 2nd, 2008, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Hey JD,

I just finished reading your script.

I was really impressed with the action sequences. You had me on the edge of my seat.
The descriptions were crystal clear, and the dialogue was great.
I can tell you've put many hours into this.


Thank you  

I do have a few things that I would like to address though...

Quoted from CindyLKeller

Your first slugline... shouldn't it be EXT. SKY - NIGHT?


Y yes it should, fixd!


Quoted from CindyLKeller


I enjoyed watching the relationship between Troy, Sarah, and Johna unfold in the beginning. I really got into the story, but then on page 19 Troy just vanishes after walking down the alley, and I was taken somewhere else to a place 6 months later.

I was kind of like "What just happened here", and felt lost for a while.

Does it really have to be 6 months later?


Well from that point in the alley to the 6 months later. Once ur gethru thru about half, u r too assume during those 6 month gap ( which is later brought up by sarah, that they hadnt talks in months ( but it says years, *fixd), that troy began drinking again. Sarah was abducted and seen hynek during this time.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

What if after Troy disappears down the alley we see him fall on his bed and pass out?

That way when the Zahn Corp thing happens we'll think he is having another one of his dreams like Sarah had mentioned earlier...
You could have him wake up on page 23 before the classroom scene.
Then we'll think it was another dream... a miss lead, then the reveal (a turning point) will come on page 24 at the Pentagon.


Excellent idea, I will have to think up a way to implement this and still get across time has pass



Quoted from CindyLKeller

On page 70 you have INT. ISLAND
page 78 EXT. HYNEK - NIGHT


Aw thank u

Quoted from CindyLKeller

I felt so bad when Sarah died on page 94.
I knew her evil side though, and I thought okay, maybe that was a good way for her to go out...

but then the end came... and I was very happy to see how it worked out for her, Troy, too.


Good deal, glad i was able to make u feel for Sarah.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

You left the script open for a part II, too.  


Yep, there is still much to come. And  I know ' Halloween Games' can keep goin too!

Quoted from CindyLKeller

A very good read. Action packed, and very entertaining.

Thanks for calling my attention to it. I usually don't visit the Action section, and I found out that I've been missing a lot.

Cindy


Thank u and ur welcome. Afew questions tho...

Was you able to see any plot twist coming?
Exp. with sarah being the mime?
(Since I added alot more of her and ur a fresh reader it would tell me if i did good on masking it...)

Was it believable that Troy could have been the mime?

Everything make sense? Anything felt odd/out of place?

How did the pacing work for you?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 3rd, 2008, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey JD,
I was shoocked when I found out she was the Mime. I thought it could have been him or someone else who was after him, but not her.

I thought the pacing was great.

The only thing that felt out of place was after he left the alley, and the next scene.



Award winning screenwriter
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Hey, I read this earlier this past year, but never commented.  Here are a few things I wanted to note:

-- Your description is excellent.  I can see everything you are describing perfectly.  The action is perfect.

--Your villain is good.  You do a good job with the character.

--A couple of things I would work on (and I may have read an earlier draft—read it in Oct. 07):

Dialogue--It is good for some characters, but others don’t seem to speak as that person would.  Not all of a line, but a few words here or there need to be changed to be more in character—if you know what I mean.  

Second Act – pacing needs to be a little better.  It drags at times.

--Overall, the story was good and it was well written.

I hope to read more of your work soon.
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Quoted from scotty
Hey, I read this earlier this past year, but never commented.  Here are a few things I wanted to note:

-- Your description is excellent.  I can see everything you are describing perfectly.  The action is perfect.

--Your villain is good.  You do a good job with the character.


Thank you foremost for the read and your input!

Quoted from scotty

--A couple of things I would work on (and I may have read an earlier draft�read it in Oct. 07):

Dialogue--It is good for some characters, but others don�t seem to speak as that person would.  Not all of a line, but a few words here or there need to be changed to be more in character�if you know what I mean.  

Second Act � pacing needs to be a little better.  It drags at times.

--Overall, the story was good and it was well written.

I hope to read more of your work soon.


Yea I did correct these things in most recent draft post edearly Jan 08. Thanks again!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

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WOW, this script is amazing in my eyes, easily the best out of the ones I read yet!
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Quoted from Kemps
WOW, this script is amazing in my eyes, easily the best out of the ones I read yet!


Thx! Care to elaborate on our thoughts on what u like and or didn't? like
story, originality, characters, plot/twists, pace, dialogue


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SPOLERS BEWARE!.....

Jarran,
          I have just finished your script and have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are many aspects of this script that I liked, yet there are many things that could be changed to make this more effective.

PREMISE - Firstly, you have a fantastic idea here, very very bankable, and I believe with a little more work on this, it could sell. The way you go back to Jerusalem and touch on powers and so on was very relistic, and due to the information you provided it was believable. The whole psi factor etc.

PLOT - I liked your plot but there were certain things which I didn't like. Sarah's boyfriend was totally irrelevant to the story and was not needed what so ever, it didn't even make a dent in the plot so was not needed. I loved your first scenes because the action and suspense was fantastic, you're quick transitions to other scenes and introduction to Morbid where great, and I was truelly getting into the story. I was hooked. However at the start, there were times where I was having to go back because so many different things were happening at once. I didn't really like the mall scene when Sarah and her mother where there. I think the scene could possibly have taken place in the car and then the crash happening. There is also a scene which dispised when a drunken Troy stumbles past a restaurant to "ideally" see Sarah and a guy. It seems too convenient to me and could easilly have been done somewhere else that did not sound so unrealistic. Your twist did shock me, I didn't see it coming at all, but with this revelation I started to think many things could have been done better. The whole jargon on the monkeys and melons, I didn't really like, it was as if Hynek was trying to reveal this great discovery which was just drawn out and was not really that interesting. Also a scene earlier on where we are shown Troy is a lecturer at a University or something (could have been dropped in conversation earlier on so it wouldn't have came as such a random surprise). You're ending was good I thought, and I liked the way Troy manipulated Hartley. Your last scene I liked because I knew there was going to be a sequel.

CHARECTERISATION - You have far too many characters and I can't tell you how many times I got confused about who was who. I'm surprised if you were not confused writing them into the script. I like Troy, strong leading man but needs some work. I just didn't like Sarah at all, she was acting like a little immature girl (possibly your intention, but if she is going to be included in a sequel then I think she should be made at least a little more likeable), this being even before the twist. I liked Hartley a lot, she was a very likeable character and you don't need to delve there at all. As for your plethora of other characters (which I'm not even going to reach the surface of), I feel Morbid was fairly sinister to begin with and gradually that sinisism faded away (the first sign of this when he took Marc along with him to that mansion - something Morbid said took this away from me).

ACTION - You have great action scenes, a lot of suspense, and this is continued throughout the whole script. At times I was pausing for breath because I was reading so fast, which is very good. However there are times where you tend to become a tad repetative by beginning so many paragraphs with the same character names, "Troy did this, Troy did that..". But I feel your flashbacks did go at a good pace and revealed just enough at that moment in time to move the story on.

DIALOGUE - Sometimes good, sometimes not. Even simple things like adding too many exclamation marks can change the flow and sound of the dialogue. Sometimes Troy's was a little sticky. You mentioned earlier in the script that Troy was white, so when his wife was introduced, I assumed the same. But when she blurted out with, "Momma still got the goods", in the department store, I cringed at how bad that sounded. However, Morbid's muttering all of these things was great in defining his character as unique, and because he is doing it in russian it would make it far more sinister to watch on screen, possibly with subtitles.

PROOF READING - When you mention that this is the 5th of 6th draft, I am slightly concerned becase there are far too many simple mistakes throughout that should be corrected. Too many inconsistent sluglines and typos which should be corrected. No way I could name them all but there is a large amount which I feel should be corrected as this is a later draft. You also refer to O.S and O.C, when you should keep it consistent and stay with one. Yeah, these are only minor things but I think you should sort them out.

EFFECTS - There are certain aspects of your script which added that certain jae noe sei que. For example, I like you're transition between scenes on page 76 with the Hynek Voice Over.  I think that worked really well.  I could picture it happening on screen and went at good pace. Your structure was also fine, all the revelations made at the correct times and everything.

This is probably the longest review I've ever written and I apologise if I've talked total and utter crap. This was a great script, but with these brush ups it would be near enough to flawless, and you deliver one genius line which made me burst out laughing throughout when considering the context Troy was in.

                                 TROY
         How about I give a dollar and you put on some mood music?

Robert.


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RobertSpence  -  February 16th, 2008, 3:34pm
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JD_OK
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Quoted from RobertSpence
SPOLERS BEWARE!.....

Jarran,
          I have just finished your script and have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are many aspects of this script that I liked, yet there are many things that could be changed to make this more effective.


Thank you for your time and quick turn around on the exchange!

Quoted from RobertSpence

PREMISE - Firstly, you have a fantastic idea here, very very bankable, and I believe with a little more work on this, it could sell. The way you go back to Jerusalem and touch on powers and so on was very relistic, and due to the information you provided it was believable. The whole psi factor etc.


Thank you, its been a long road with the rewrites. My first drafts really were sh1t. Alot of things from others movies and I kinda of knew it. One reader/member (tonkatough) pointed out to me, so after that i knew i had to have my own voice. Like my 1st 3 or 4 drafts,never gave a explanation or their powers lol, no hynek, no arkon/morbid


Quoted from RobertSpence

PLOT - I liked your plot but there were certain things which I didn't like. Sarah's boyfriend was totally irrelevant to the story and was not needed what so ever, it didn't even make a dent in the plot so was not needed.


You are right. I wanted that, becuz I wanted the twist of the reveal of the mime be a real surprise. So If I had a throw off character that could possibly be the mime, less focus of sarah. Cuz you always have to see the killer in everyone movies within 1st 30 mintues so the reveal has more of that " Oooh"

Quoted from RobertSpence

I loved your first scenes because the action and suspense was fantastic, you're quick transitions to other scenes and introduction to Morbid where great, and I was truelly getting into the story. I was hooked.


Thanks! I had so many rewrites on the first 30 pages its not even funny.

Quoted from RobertSpence

However at the start, there were times where I was having to go back because so many different things were happening at once. I didn't really like the mall scene when Sarah and her mother where there. I think the scene could possibly have taken place in the car and then the crash happening.


Then that would have been in a long car ride, and got a little boring quick. The mall is to show the type of woman Johna, and her dimensions. At the same time showing sarah's interests in her father and mother gettin back together

Quoted from RobertSpence

There is also a scene which dispised when a drunken Troy stumbles past a restaurant to "ideally" see Sarah and a guy. It seems too convenient to me and could easilly have been done somewhere else that did not sound so unrealistic.


You are right, but can happen. There are cities that have centralized places for night life where, entertainment district is common.  Bars and high class restaurants along a strip

Quoted from RobertSpence

Your twist did shock me, I didn't see it coming at all, but with this revelation I started to think many things could have been done better. The whole jargon on the monkeys and melons, I didn't really like, it was as if Hynek was trying to reveal this great discovery which was just drawn out and was not really that interesting. Also a scene earlier on where we are shown Troy is a lecturer at a University or something (could have been dropped in conversation earlier on so it wouldn't have came as such a random surprise).


Hmm, well i think you are only 2nd person who didnt find it interesting with the monkeys, and everyone else found it fascinating. none the less u cant please everyone.
The experiment is real and was done.. u can google it. Its purpose is a metaphor for the human race to help understand how everyone can eventually do it, if taught how.

troy in the classroom served many purposes. Character dimension - the state of mind he is in, what he does for a living, plant for foreshadowing Hynek, exposition on energy  with "newton's cradle". All these things hit in a short amount of scene time there.

Quoted from RobertSpence

You're ending was good I thought, and I liked the way Troy manipulated Hartley. Your last scene I liked because I knew there was going to be a sequel.


Thank you. Core of the Story is about the love for the family and what u would do to protect when that all u have left.

Sequel, on yeah, i think i got enuff to make at least 2 more parts or longer sequel

Quoted from RobertSpence

CHARECTERISATION - You have far too many characters and I can't tell you how many times I got confused about who was who. I'm surprised if you were not confused writing them into the script.


High concept movies generally have alot of characters in them. Difference is u get to plant a face with the name to help remember. And especially when u gotta have the side plots


Quoted from RobertSpence

I like Troy, strong leading man but needs some work.


What would u suggest he needs??

Quoted from RobertSpence

I just didn't like Sarah at all, she was acting like a little immature girl (possibly your intention, but if she is going to be included in a sequel then I think she should be made at least a little more likeable), this being even before the twist.


Hmm, yes, but I had hoped by the time it gets to the end you would root for her. Sorry this didnt work for you.

Was her reasoing for her problems unidentifiable for you?

Quoted from RobertSpence

I liked Hartley a lot, she was a very likeable character and you don't need to delve there at all. As for your plethora of other characters (which I'm not even going to reach the surface of), I feel Morbid was fairly sinister to begin with and gradually that sinisism faded away (the first sign of this when he took Marc along with him to that mansion - something Morbid said took this away from me).


Thanks!
Morbid - well he was more sinister at a young as since it starts when his 28, and now he is in his 40's . one would think with time grown more wise or a different outlook then a younger age

Quoted from RobertSpence

ACTION - You have great action scenes, a lot of suspense, and this is continued throughout the whole script. At times I was pausing for breath because I was reading so fast, which is very good. However there are times where you tend to become a tad repetative by beginning so many paragraphs with the same character names, "Troy did this, Troy did that..". But I feel your flashbacks did go at a good pace and revealed just enough at that moment in time to move the story on.


Gracious! Those repeated lines that u point out are ACTIOn line and different from description paragraph so i need to indicate who Im giving stage direction to without saying 'camera shot'

Quoted from RobertSpence

DIALOGUE -Troy's was a little sticky. You mentioned earlier in the script that Troy was white, so when his wife was introduced, I assumed the same. But when she blurted out with, "Momma still got the goods", in the department store, I cringed at how bad that sounded.


I really dont see the problem with this line and yes all the characters are white except who i point out isnt.
You would b the 1st person to mention this as something bad of a line.

Was every one dialogue fit them? And decent?

Quoted from RobertSpence

However, Morbid's muttering all of these things was great in defining his character as unique, and because he is doing it in russian it would make it far more sinister to watch on screen, possibly with subtitles.


yes sir! I'm been toying with that thought of subtitles but Im leaning on just not knowing what he is saying, but know it sounds sinister in russian ;0)

Quoted from RobertSpence


EFFECTS - There are certain aspects of your script which added that certain jae noe sei que. For example, I like you're transition between scenes on page 76 with the Hynek Voice Over.  I think that worked really well.  I could picture it happening on screen and went at good pace. Your structure was also fine, all the revelations made at the correct times and everything.


Thank you =)

Quoted from RobertSpence

This is probably the longest review I've ever written and I apologise if I've talked total and utter crap.


I appreciate! I value everyones opinion!

Quoted from RobertSpence

This was a great script, but with these brush ups it would be near enough to flawless, and you deliver one genius line which made me burst out laughing throughout when considering the context Troy was in.

                                 TROY
         How about I give a dollar and you put on some mood music?

Robert.



Ha thanks, glad it worked. i just added it in


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RobertSpence
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Quoted from JD_OK


Thank you for your time and quick turn around on the exchange!


troy in the classroom served many purposes. Character dimension - the state of mind he is in, what he does for a living, plant for foreshadowing Hynek, exposition on energy  with "newton's cradle". All these things hit in a short amount of scene time there.


I didn't actually have a problem with the scene at all, I agree with you that it had to be done to reveal many things. Just thought it would be better to mention he was working there earlier on in the script.




Quoted from JD_OK
What would u suggest he needs??


On second thought giving its been a couple of days since I've read and in retrospect, I feel he is sufficent enough to be a strong leading man.



Quoted from JD_OK
Was her reasoing for her problems unidentifiable for you?


I wouldn't say I couldn't identify with her problems because yeah she is stuck in the middle between her mother and father, and she feels angry he didn't use his powers, but she is 24, and I think she was portrayed as a teenager.



Quoted from JD_OK
Morbid - well he was more sinister at a young as since it starts when his 28, and now he is in his 40's . one would think with time grown more wise or a different outlook then a younger age


I wasn't saying he lost this sinisterness because he got older, there is a scene when Morbid takes Marc to that place to meet that guy (haha sorry I'm not to much help with the details of the scene), Morbid seemed mysterious and boss like before but he comments on him not being sure about bringing Marc, it kind of took that scaryness away from him. Ucht I don'y know what I am saying haha.


Quoted from JD_OK
Was every one dialogue fit them? And decent?


Other than that hiccup everything was fine.

Robert



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Hey JD

Here's the review, as promised. This was a great read - there's A LOT going on, but credit to you that I could follow it. I'm afraid I don't tend to bother going on about all the good bits of a script in my reviews, so if I don't mention it, I like!

OK, first up I noticed a lot of typos / grammatical errors - this is going to seem really anal but I guess you'd like to know about them;

P7 “The same play you promised me YOU’D / WE’D (not "to") go to…”

unnecessary question mark after the cont’d

P9 Should be “I remember when you WERE eight… any flavour OTHER THAN sherbert”

Should be “I would have COME”

P13 don’t think you mean SUMMONS – maybe “flies” or “is summoned”, summons sounds like the phone is doing the summoning rather than being summoned

P16 Should be “Easy to say when all I wantED was to…”

P26 Not sure enabling is the right word – endowing / empowering?

P27 “He has been under the radar till [here] recently...” - get rid of [here]

P33 “You think you’ve gone fishing I’m going to bite on anything you throw at me” - not sure what this means, think there's a word or two missing

P40 Should be “I’m going to find OUT everything about you…”

P50 Should be “Shade fitS / fitTED the profile…”

P51 “Your day will befall you” - not sure "befall" is the right work, think you mean “Your day will come / arrive”

P52 “..to be rid of a basket case like you[.] Sarah needs..” should be a comma, not a full stop / period

P69 “You need to explain what is happening an how [do] I stop it” - delete the [do]

P70 Scientists cautiously extend[S] - delete the [s]

P71 “enough of the young ones did it[.] The older ones…” - should be a comma, not a period

P73 Should be The Scientists looked perplexED

74 “we haven’t talked in months [years]” - think you need to delete either months or years

P76 Should be The MOLECULAR breakdown

P79 “removed these scriptures. In fear that man…” should be “these scriptures for fear that...”

“from then out[.] He let it…” should be a comma not a period

P80 “…showed the monkeys[.] We would…” should be a comma, not a period

P88 “…eyes on you[.] I’ve had a…” should be a comma, not a period

“…with your boyfriend[.] I’m going to…” should be a comma, not a period

P93 Should be “No such thing AS innocence…”


And now the proper stuff...

There were a couple of scenes I felt you didn't need or could improve;

P12 Don’t like Johna’s “I really love you” speech – it's a bit heavy handed. I think you’ve set up the relationship very well in the preceding scene – why not just have them both singing along to the radio and then… BAM!

p17-19 Both of these scenes feel a little clumsy and forced. I actually don't think you need either of them. From the funeral we know Sarah is mad at Troy and I think you could show later, maybe during the classroom scenes, that they are no longer talking (maybe have a calendar on his desk, showing that today is her birthday - he tries calling buit she doesn't answer, something like that). The scene with the gangsters I didn't like - I know why you included it but I don't think it's really necessary. It also causes a problem later in the bar scene when he does decide to act but as far as we can tell nothing has happened in the intervening period to make him change his view on his powers.

P20 Who’s “Hill” – Patrol 8? Think this might be name left over from a previous draft - it needs deleting

P44 Kent and Hartley having a past relationship – too much of a coincidence for me and doesn’t add anything to the plot. I'd drop it.

P48 I thought Hartley would have to use this shielding later on but it never makes a reappearance (apart from in conversation with Hynek) – I think you should try and use it, it's a missed opportunity

P54 Wouldn’t they have surrounded the house before throwing the grenade in?

P65 What’s with the scene with the taxi? Is it a flashback? I take it you're showing how self-conscious she is about what's happened to her but it doesn’t fit in here.

The Monkey experiment - really interesting (is it real? Think I might have heard of it before) but it takes up a lot of space and I don't think it adds anything to the plot other than to suggest that mastery of Psi would propagate throughout the human race if enough people learned it - don't think that really justifies 4 pages.

P88 I think you need to foreshadow the attempted rape more – all we have so far is that one look when they first meet. They are in a number of other scenes together, have Duncan hit on her and her shoot him down and embarrass him or something

P95 "Troy’s glowing red arm is on the other side of Morbid" – not quite clear what's happened here, did he punch right through him?

P96 / 97 I Don’t understand this scene with Arkon? What’s with the window?


I also felt there were a number of, for want of a better phrase, plot holes -  maybe I've missed something or maybe it's because you've added bit in successive drafts and haven't quite tied them all together yet, but I didn't understand the following;

1) Why doesn't Morbid kill Troy at the start? What's he there for if not to kill him? I'm assuming he thinks Troy's dead but Troy regenerates? But then Arkon seems to know that Sarah isn't dead? I'm confused

2) re Marc - Morbid's been working for Arkon for 20+ years, surely he know not to "bring someone into the circle" without Arkon's permission?

3) Why did Zahn let Sarah go in the first place? Couldn't he use her to unlock the secret of Psi? Why did he need Troy?

4) Why did Sarah steal Troy's file from Zahn Corp? Don't think this was ever explained

5) If Zahn is in league with the NSA, how is that he couldn't find Troy sooner? I can't imagine you could be that under the radar if you're a teacher

6) Sarah's split personality kind of comes out of nowhere. Has she always had it (would be an interesting addition to her character) or is it a result of Zahn's experiment. She seems to be able to control it a bit... I'd like to know more about "how it works"

7) How did Sarah know where Kent was being held? And if she wanted him dead, why not just kill him at the Zahn Corp building - she was weak but all she had to do was slit his throat...

8. Why did Troy suddenly decide to use his powers in the bar robbery? We haven't seen anything to indicate a change in his attitude so this felt wrong to me


And finally, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how much is going on in this. I followed it, so nice work keeping it clear, but personally I could do with a little less to keep track of - I think you could cut out McCaine and Rallins - they only seem to serve as a way of Morbid / Arkon finding out where Troy is. Can't one of the other characters be used for this (Morez?)

Phew, that's it. It's a strong script and I'm sorry that I haven't laboured on its strength's but they don't need changing, right? If there's any other particular points you'd like me to comment on just shout.

Cheers

Adam


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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JD_OK
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Quoted from Limey
Hey JD

Here's the review, as promised. This was a great read - there's A LOT going on, but credit to you that I could follow it. I'm afraid I don't tend to bother going on about all the good bits of a script in my reviews, so if I don't mention it, I like!


Thank you

Quoted from Limey


OK, first up I noticed a lot of typos / grammatical errors - this is going to seem really anal but I guess you'd like to know about them;


Thank u very much for listing hat I didnt see, i have corrected these


Quoted from Limey


There were a couple of scenes I felt you didn't need or could improve;

P12 Don�t like Johna�s �I really love you� speech � it's a bit heavy handed. I think you�ve set up the relationship very well in the preceding scene � why not just have them both singing along to the radio and then� BAM!


You r not the only one, so i went ahead and took this advance. Its changed and updated

Quoted from Limey

p17-19 Both of these scenes feel a little clumsy and forced. I actually don't think you need either of them. From the funeral we know Sarah is mad at Troy and I think you could show later, maybe during the classroom scenes, that they are no longer talking (maybe have a calendar on his desk, showing that today is her birthday - he tries calling buit she doesn't answer, something like that). The scene with the gangsters I didn't like - I know why you included it but I don't think it's really necessary. It also causes a problem later in the bar scene when he does decide to act but as far as we can tell nothing has happened in the intervening period to make him change his view on his powers.


I did shortn the alley scene by removing the flashback. Troy will elaborate n this ate so it makes sense. The restaurant scene is to push his goal and what he wants and so yet sarah is mad there is still a sad of her that feels for Troy, with the last look of good bye.

Quoted from Limey

P20 Who�s �Hill� � Patrol 8? Think this might be name left over from a previous draft - it needs deleting

fixed, thank u

Quoted from Limey


P48 I thought Hartley would have to use this shielding later on but it never makes a reappearance (apart from in conversation with Hynek) � I think you should try and use it, it's a missed opportunity


U are not the first to say but, thats not what I was goin for, its the plant so u know why when people with the power fight, they cant directly use their power to harm their inner body, as suppose to people who dont shield.

Quoted from Limey

P54 Wouldn�t they have surrounded the house before throwing the grenade in?


possibly?

Quoted from Limey

P65 What�s with the scene with the taxi? Is it a flashback? I take it you're showing how self-conscious she is about what's happened to her but it doesn�t fit in here.


No this scene is to show yes her self consciousness and where she works and that she left troy alone at her house in hopes he would be gone when she got back.

i Did add to this to u get this feeling that it wasnt misplaced

Quoted from Limey

P88 I think you need to foreshadow the attempted rape more � all we have so far is that one look when they first meet. They are in a number of other scenes together, have Duncan hit on her and her shoot him down and embarrass him or something


I also thought about this and glad u mentioned it. i added this in. Good one

Quoted from Limey

P95 "Troy�s glowing red arm is on the other side of Morbid" � not quite clear what's happened here, did he punch right through him?


Yes =)

Quoted from Limey

P96 / 97 I Don�t understand this scene with Arkon? What�s with the window?


Just what he was looking at when he got the news



Quoted from Limey


1) Why doesn't Morbid kill Troy at the start? What's he there for if not to kill him? I'm assuming he thinks Troy's dead but Troy regenerates? But then Arkon seems to know that Sarah isn't dead? I'm confused


im goin to explain here and yes it wasnt quite clear but i added this explanation in the script.n

Troy can Heal, which Morbid though he was dead. Arkon can feel the psi they use and the more then "abuse" the faster he can locate them. Its like their aura stamps on the energy they put out. Troy stops using any fo his power after the brazil incident, so they wouldnt know he is still alive.

Arkon know she isnt dead becuz when she resurrects the energy is projected out.  I have now implemented this brief explanation  to take care of this question.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate it very much

Quoted from Limey

2) re Marc - Morbid's been working for Arkon for 20+ years, surely he know not to "bring someone into the circle" without Arkon's permission?


this is another good question. And I have fixed this so that wont be an issue

Quoted from Limey

3) Why did Zahn let Sarah go in the first place? Couldn't he use her to unlock the secret of Psi? Why did he need Troy?


to get to Troy and also becuz she can't heal. He wants Troy becuz he believes that Troy can regenerate. Zahn hinted at this at the pentagon saying Troy returned home without a scratch yet 8 team members died, and so at the end it comes together Zahn was sick/dying so he had to get Troy's power asap.

I made this alil more clearer in the script now. thank u

Quoted from Limey

4) Why did Sarah steal Troy's file from Zahn Corp? Don't think this was ever explained


I give a brief one now. its becuz, They are in the same file. remember its Zahn telling us what he wants us to believe.

Quoted from Limey

5) If Zahn is in league with the NSA, how is that he couldn't find Troy sooner? I can't imagine you could be that under the radar if you're a teacher


Another good catch. Fixed this too. Zahn simply wasnt rdy to do what he needed with Troy. His machine wasnt rdy.


Quoted from Limey

6) Sarah's split personality kind of comes out of nowhere. Has she always had it (would be an interesting addition to her character) or is it a result of Zahn's experiment. She seems to be able to control it a bit... I'd like to know more about "how it works"


This came from the experiment from Zahn which went bad

Quoted from Limey

7) How did Sarah know where Kent was being held? And if she wanted him dead, why not just kill him at the Zahn Corp building - she was weak but all she had to do was slit his throat...


She just does =p

Quoted from Limey

8. Why did Troy suddenly decide to use his powers in the bar robbery? We haven't seen anything to indicate a change in his attitude so this felt wrong to me


Fixed... I made this more clear. reason: troy comes to the realization he doesnt have anything else to lose now since he doesnt have anyone after the fall out with Sarah and months passing and still no talking


Quoted from Limey


And finally, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how much is going on in this. I followed it, so nice work keeping it clear, but personally I could do with a little less to keep track of - I think you could cut out McCaine and Rallins - they only seem to serve as a way of Morbid / Arkon finding out where Troy is. Can't one of the other characters be used for this (Morez?)


I dunno, I guess to me, elaborate story that is clear is more compelling to me. Like 'Departed'

It adds to alot of cover ups and things for the sequel


Quoted from Limey

Phew, that's it. It's a strong script and I'm sorry that I haven't laboured on its strength's but they don't need changing, right? If there's any other particular points you'd like me to comment on just shout.


Thank you and yes.

How did the dialogue over all feel to u? Yours in Redballoons is great.
Was the reason for psi believable to you?

Did u feel for troy, Sarah or Hartley? More or less involved to see them make it? And well sarah since she is technically 'bad guy, anti hero

Any of the twists u see coming? Anything predictable?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  February 21st, 2008, 12:59pm
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Limey
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Quoted from JD_OK
U are not the first to say but, that not what I was goin when, its the plant so u know why when people with the power fight, they cant directly use their power to harm their inter body, as suppose to people who dont shield.

Ah, didn't even think of that. Fair enough, then  


Quoted from JD_OK
No this scene is to show yes her self consciousness and where she works and that she left troy alone at her house in hopes he would be gone when she got back.

I didn't really understand when it was happening and how it linked into the other scenes at her house because before this we don't see Troy at her house and after it we don't see her arrive home and say "oh, you're still here". I think you need to add a bit more in to explain it, but that's just my opinion  


Quoted from JD_OK
Troy can Heal, which Morbid though he was dead. Arkon can feel the psi they use and the more then "abuse" the faster he can locate them. Its like their aura stamps on the energy they put out. Troy stops using any fo his power after the brazil incident, so they wouldnt know he is still alive. Arkon know she isnt dead becuz when she resurrects the energy is projected out.  I have now implemented this brief explanation  to take care of this question.

Ok, that's pretty much what I assumed. A bit more explantion as to Arkon's ability to locate sounds like a good addition.


Quoted from JD_OK
I give a brief one now. its becuz, They are in the same file. remember its Zahn telling us what he wants us to believe.

Ah, that Zahn's a tricky fellow  . I'd still like to see a line or two at the start of p66 when Sarah opens the file to show that it covers both her and Troy but again, that's just my opinion


Quoted from JD_OK
She just does =p

Ha ha!



Quoted from JD_OK
Fixed... I made this more clear. reason: troy comes to the realization he doesnt have anything else to lose now since he doesnt have anyone after the fall out with Sarah and months passing and still no talking

I like that, makes sense.


Quoted from JD_OK
It adds to alot of cover ups and things for the sequel

Leaving yourself with lots of options - nice work  


Quoted from JD_OK
How did the dialogue all over feel to u?

The dialogue was fine - there wasn't anything that jumped out as being forced or unrealistic, so good work I'd say


Quoted from JD_OK
Was the reason for psi believable to you?

I thought it was fine, as good as any "popcorn" logic. To be honest I didn't really worry about how it worked but I liked the way you linked it into Christ and his abilities.


Quoted from JD_OK
Did u feel for troy, Sarah or Hartley? More or less involved to see them make it? And well sarah since she is technically 'bad guy, anti hero

Yep, I was rooting for them. As I mentioned I think you could spend a little more time on Sarah's split personality and the "laws" it follows - what is it driving her to do? General mayhem or revenge on Zahn? How much can she control it? And are there any particular triggers that cause The Mime to take over? etc.


Quoted from JD_OK
Any of the twists u see coming? Anything predictable?

Nope, they all worked for me. I'd be surprised if anyone guessed Sarah was the Mime because there was nothing before the reveal hinting that she has any kind of Psi powers (in fact the scene where Johna dies implies that she definitely doesn't).

Hope this helps


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/

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Limey  -  February 21st, 2008, 8:26am
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Soap Hands
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Hey,

I'm reposting my review. I, on a whim, saved it in word cause I had a bad feeling about something. You know, in my gut. Well, anyway it paid off. I didn't however save my responses to your responses. Nor do I remember your questions, so you're out of luck on that for the moment.

Anyway, here you go:

Hey,

This had a lot of things that I usually like in my action movies: guns, marines, guys in masks, Russians, ominous Asian men, the Force. And in mixing them here, this script was no exception.

I liked it.

That said, I do have some criticisms. Mostly a lot of little things that I can overlook for this type of movie but if you fixed them, all the better.

The biggest problem for me was that I felt it got kind of convoluted around pages 70ish through early 80s, where there were a lot of the explanations, short scenes, and jumping around. My problem here isn’t really comprehension, I understood alright, but more about pacing. I felt like it was going too fast and too much information was being forced on me. You had a lot of stuff going on though and it needs to be dealt with before you move on, so I don’t know if you can handle this better then you have.

Your explanation of Psi I didn’t find that satisfying. First of all, maybe I missed something, but I think there were a couple jumps in logic from the monkey thing(shared consciousness, damn you Jung!!!) to the Jesus thing and the telekinesis explanation(frankly, it came off a little confused to me). Also, I think you should just make up something instead of saying quantum theory. It’s use bothered me and I don’t think it’s that much work to make something up. But anyway, dissatisfaction with the god given latent power explanation is not a big deal. I’ve gotten over bigger things in some of my most beloved movies.

Zahn I felt was a little lacking. I think it would be nice if he were developed a little more. I know he’s not there for much, but it just felt too mechanical how it served his function then remember to go reset the circuit breakers, only to be killed latter in a flashback(kind of lamely).

I think it would be nice if Morbid demonstrated his power somewhere again before his last fight, to impress us more. I was much more excited about the Troy versus the Mime fight then the last one, mostly because the Mime had thoroughly demonstrated its self to be a worthy adversary. Not to say that morbid didn’t do anything, but I think you need to up the ante again, we’ve already seen Troy fight the Mime. The pickaxes didn’t do anything for me, btw. If anything they detracted.

How was the situation between Morbid and Troy resolved in the beginning, during Troy’s mission? You mentioned that he got back unharmed, but how? Did Morbid let him go? You left me hanging on that one.

I would have liked to see Sarah’s psychosis explored some more. You didn’t do much with it.  

You have this line about the DNA from the glass shard at Zhan Corps(from Sarah) matching Troy’s DNA. I think the test would be able to differentiate between father and daughter. I mean, I’ve seen paternity tests where it distinguishes between to brothers(god bless you, Maury) and I figure their DNA would be closer then between father and daughter. But again, not a big deal.  

If these people have all these crazy powers why did they bother with knives and stuff. Easily overlooked though, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Why didn’t Neo just explode people’s brains while in the matrix? Lol.  

Alright, I’ll go out with positive stuff.

You totally got me on the mime’s identity. I’m kind of embarrassed actually, I usually get that stuff and it was so, so, so, obvious. You did a good job with that.

I also really loved the mime character. Disregard the V for Vendetta stuff, tons of characters have masks, theatrically themed masks too.  And I absolutely love masked characters where you get to guess at their identities. Although, while I’m on the subject, the church “I might kill again!” scene kind of came out of nowhere and went nowhere. But I’ll eagerly overlook it cause it was cool. &#61514;

I also really liked the baptism scene with Morbid. That played out really cool in my head. Did I mention that I love Russians.

Arkon was also cool. I look forward to his future kun fu fighting.

Overall all, I liked it. It was a fairly entertaining read. You have some good action scenes and some cool characters. I even feel comfortable saying that it gives “The Burnout” a run for its money, you even probably have the better story, but I guess I don’t want to get in the middle of that. lol

sheepwalker

  
Pg 3 “imbedded into his rifle”, “strikes into his temple” the “into’s” while adding clarity, also seem a little redundant to me. It also breaks up its flow. I’ve noticed this in a couple of your descriptions. *coming back after finishing the entire thing* I didn’t notice it much after this scene. I don’t know what happened, I guess you stopped doing it or I got used to it. If the second one is the case, I guess you don’t have to worry about this.

Pg 28 I don’t think its necessary to repeat  morbid’s age

Pg what was the point of the morbid on a plane scene?

Pg 41 “…They have nothing left to lose” reads weird to me

Pg 43 “shells gather harmlessly into his hand” I think pellets is a more accurate term then shells.

Pg 47 don’t get the energy can’t pass through you now thing

Pg 53 some of the dialog in this scene feel too expository

Pg. 55 If he takes her cell phone while she’s talking on it doesn’t she notice. Why isn’t there a reaction?

Pg 58 why would the mime toss the gun at troy? Do you mean throw? Certainly he knows that that isn’t going to do much.

Pg 62 nice twist but I think the blood test would be able to differentiate between them? Unless, there’s something else yet to unfold?

Pg 67 If they were so willing to use the drug why did they bother with a shock collar?

Pg 73 I’d consider calling your quantum theory thing something else

Pg 74 “you around”,  “ if you were around”

Pg 76 “haven’t use the gift”,   “haven’t used the gift”

Pg 77 didn’t like your science explanation. I felt pretty unsatisfied. And how did you go from group consciousness with the monkeys to recreating reality with belief. If you meant that the monkeys were able to do it because the scientists believed that they could, you should make that more clear.

Pg 89 I think you use the word trained(i.e. trained gun a Jenkins) too much. Mix it up some more.

Pg 101 “come forth”, sounds weird to me







  
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Sham
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Hey, JD!

You have a strong premise here, but your logline needs work.

Before: When a supernatural killer breaks into a military facility and top secret files are stolen. The government goes after the only man documented to have this ability, Troy Kneddic. Troy, now on the run, goes through a whirl wind of lies and deception. He must even question his own sanity if he is to over come this obstacle to find the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.

Fixed: When a supernatural killer steals a military facility’s top-secret files, the government targets Troy Kneddic, the only man documented to have this ability. Now on the run, Troy goes through a whirlwind of lies and deception, questioning his own sanity as he searches for the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.

I’m not saying to use my example word-for-word. I just think it’s possible to tighten yours up so it reads better for anyone who’s never heard of your script before.

As for your actual screenplay, your first ten pages are great, and I don’t see them getting much better than they are now. I’m assuming your script has gone through several drafts, especially considering how many replies you’ve gotten on this thread. The draft of Newton’s Cradle I’m reading now looks very good. The descriptions are clean and are a breeze to read. Your dialogue is believable and natural. Everything looks and sounds good so far.

Page 12, and this is where your story grabbed me emotionally. Your main character now has a flaw, and I’m curious how this is going to correlate with things to come. I also like your transition from the fatal car wreck to Morbid praying at the altar. It made me question what he was praying for and if his prayer was answered.

Page 17, and this is really terrific with the Mexican kid’s alley struggle. I’m not sure I understand the very small flashback of Troy and Morbid, but maybe you’ll come back to that in the future and explain its significance. I’m assuming the Mexican kid was killed. Did not see that coming at all. I was very surprised.

Page 20; I could see this action sequence involving The Mime really working onscreen.

Page 25; “What? Remove the God damn suck ball from your pie hole and speak like you have pair!” I laughed out loud when I read this.

Page 25; I had no idea that those office decoration things were called a Newton’s Cradle. Now I understand where you got the title of your script.

Page 29; Great entrance for Arkon. The liquid staircase is a fantastic visual.

Page 32; “I know I didn't shower today, but I bet I don't smell like fish, so stop trying to bate me.” Love it.

Page 40; This is an excellent time to unleash Troy’s power, and you’ve handled it well.

Page 46; “Conveniences is for those who believe things to be too easy.” Is should be are.

Page 46; Great job explaining how Troy’s power weakens him the more he uses it because he’s transferring energy. I wasn’t a fan of your script title before reading the entire thing, but now I can’t imagine anything else. It really works.

There’s a minor formatting issue on page 50. “Harley exits” should be flush left.

Page 51; Haha, I liked the lollipop exploding. I could picture this getting plenty of laughs when filmed.

I think my only complaint up to this point is that, beyond Troy, his family, and Morbid, the characters aren’t very complex or engaging. Hartley has some potential, and I can only hope she has a larger role in the third act.

Page 56; “Hmmm, let me think... Nope, my only way out of this is if I find him myself.” Not a big fan of this dialogue. It sorta stuck out to me as being overly sarcastic, which is a shame because it’s not even that big of a line.

Page 62; Wow, I was definitely not expecting Sarah behind the mime mask. Nice twist.

You have a couple grammar mistakes throughout. Most are very minor, so just keep an eye out when you go through this…again.

Page 76; “At first none of the lil' bastards wanted nothing to do with it.” Nothing should be anything.

Page 84; Nice job with the explanation/flashbacks. It’s a little heavy on wordiness, but I was interested throughout. Is this monkey business real? I’m curious.

Done!

Great job, JD. This was a pleasure to read. The action was well-choreographed, and you have a couple of surprising twists throughout. The biggest strength of your script is terrific visuals: the aforementioned water staircase; the pool table balls flying at robbers; not to mention the nifty chase scene with The Mime floating down to the ground and effortlessly avoiding the chain-link fence. All of it felt smooth, stylized, and practical.

The only thing I’d do different is remove a few minor characters and use their purpose for existing superior ones. It’s easier to keep track of who’s who that way, and the characters would become more momentous.

Other than that minor gripe, excellent work. This is a perfect example of creativity and hard work paying off. This is something to be proud of.


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JD_OK
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Quoted from Sham
Hey, JD!

You have a strong premise here, but your logline needs work.


yeah lol thanks for the modified version! I havent updated that logline for almost 2 yrs so yeah, long over due.



Quoted from Sham


As for your actual screenplay, your first ten pages are great, and I don’t see them getting much better than they are now. I’m assuming your script has gone through several drafts, especially considering how many replies you’ve gotten on this thread.


Thanks. Yeah its been through 8 or 9 drafts. Its takin me awhile to actually grasp character developement, its like I kept improving the story but the characters dimensions was always lacking up until here currently.


Quoted from Sham

The draft of Newton’s Cradle I’m reading now looks very good. The descriptions are clean and are a breeze to read. Your dialogue is believable and natural. Everything looks and sounds good so far.


This is what I was hoping to get. My dialogue was one of my weakest points and i've struggled to get it up to par. You have good sense of creating dialog from what I read in Red Light.

Quoted from Sham

Page 12, and this is where your story grabbed me emotionally. Your main character now has a flaw, and I’m curious how this is going to correlate with things to come. I also like your transition from the fatal car wreck to Morbid praying at the altar. It made me question what he was praying for and if his prayer was answered.


Took me several drafts before this came into play ;p, thank you for stating where it moved you.

Morbid altar room is one of my strongest scenes IMHO


Quoted from Sham


Page 17, and this is really terrific with the Mexican kid’s alley struggle. I’m not sure I understand the very small flashback of Troy and Morbid, but maybe you’ll come back to that in the future and explain its significance. I’m assuming the Mexican kid was killed. Did not see that coming at all. I was very surprised.


Did you get why the flashback was there by the end?

if not... It shows why Troy fears using his powers against people... fearing morbid/circle will come back after him. Thus not helping Johna


Quoted from Sham


Page 20; I could see this action sequence involving The Mime really working onscreen.


Originally the who attack ran like 8 pages long hehe... got it to 3 pages with alot of cutting of things i wanted to see also. Im happy that u was able to see it and like it.

Quoted from Sham

Page 25; “What? Remove the God damn suck ball from your pie hole and speak like you have pair!” I laughed out loud when I read this.


Ha thx! I just changed his dialog with the newest version. Happy u pointed it out that it made u laugh


Quoted from Sham

Page 25; I had no idea that those office decoration things were called a Newton’s Cradle. Now I understand where you got the title of your script.


Yeah I didnt know it either til I was wanting to add the toy as a demonstration for troy's class room and when i found out its name, i was like..." that is the name for the script"
It has double meaning aswell. Newton= laws of motion and Cradle = someone's son of daughter, .......Since story is about troy's daughter

Quoted from Sham

Page 29; Great entrance for Arkon. The liquid staircase is a fantastic visual.


Thanks, I never had arkon or morbid in my original idea of the story or my first drafts

Quoted from Sham

Page 32; “I know I didn't shower today, but I bet I don't smell like fish, so stop trying to bate me.” Love it.


yep another dialog i changed, glad it made an impression on u!

Quoted from Sham

Page 40; This is an excellent time to unleash Troy’s power, and you’ve handled it well.


Thanks, this was another scene that original ran alot longer in previous drafts and bad dialog lol

Quoted from Sham

Page 46; “ is for those who believe things to be too easy.” Is should be are.


thanks for point out... I had already fixed it tho, u most of downloaded draft b4 i had fixed it.

i added this in here to kinda of put the Conveniences of Hartley and kent knowing each other on its head, and Hartley riding along with him. So it was acceptable since i knew was needed to push story forward.

Did this piece of dialog it ok for you?

Quoted from Sham

Page 46; Great job explaining how Troy’s power weakens him the more he uses it because he’s transferring energy. I wasn’t a fan of your script title before reading the entire thing, but now I can’t imagine anything else. It really works.


Gracious! I knew with power has to be a weakness. I never liked heros that has no limit on their power usage. plus its the setup for Sarah's down fall.

Quoted from Sham

There’s a minor formatting issue on page 50. “Harley exits” should be flush left.


Yeah, does it that everytime I convert my final draft doc to rtf...

Quoted from Sham

Page 51; Haha, I liked the lollipop exploding. I could picture this getting plenty of laughs when filmed.


Great! hehe, i just added this in aswell

Quoted from Sham


I think my only complaint up to this point is that, beyond Troy, his family, and Morbid, the characters aren’t very complex or engaging. Hartley has some potential, and I can only hope she has a larger role in the third act.


Did Hartley do it for ya by the end?

Rallins I just improved with more character uniqueness... did he stand out? or still lacking?

who do u feel needs to be removed?

Quoted from Sham

Page 56; “Hmmm, let me think... Nope, my only way out of this is if I find him myself.” Not a big fan of this dialogue. It sorta stuck out to me as being overly sarcastic, which is a shame because it’s not even that big of a line.


Your right, imma fix this line

Quoted from Sham

Page 62; Wow, I was definitely not expecting Sarah behind the mime mask. Nice twist.


Thanks, this is kinda of play on words on my part, since I refer to The Mime as a he all the time, but I have to since its being read and not seen.

Who were u expecting before the reveal? Did you feel was enough that it was possibility troy?

Quoted from Sham

You have a couple grammar mistakes throughout. Most are very minor, so just keep an eye out when you go through this…again.


yea hopefully I weeded those out.

Quoted from Sham


Page 84; Nice job with the explanation/flashbacks. It’s a little heavy on wordiness, but I was interested throughout. Is this monkey business real? I’m curious.


yea its alot of info, but i had hoped it was interesting enough and becuz the amount of action before this, read would be read for a break from action.

Yea it is real, u can look it up "100th monkey experiment" and  psi wheel on youtube.

believable explanation for u?

Quoted from Sham

Done!

Great job, JD. This was a pleasure to read. The action was well-choreographed, and you have a couple of surprising twists throughout. The biggest strength of your script is terrific visuals: the aforementioned water staircase; the pool table balls flying at robbers; not to mention the nifty chase scene with The Mime floating down to the ground and effortlessly avoiding the chain-link fence. All of it felt smooth, stylized, and practical.

The only thing I’d do different is remove a few minor characters and use their purpose for existing superior ones. It’s easier to keep track of who’s who that way, and the characters would become more momentous.

Other than that minor gripe, excellent work. This is a perfect example of creativity and hard work paying off. This is something to be proud of.


Thanks for the read! Red light has alot of potential for being made!

Question : Was the ending understandable for you? Were there too many flashbacks or it work?

See the final twist with sarah's resurrection coming?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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courhaw
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey JD_OK,
I read your work and here's my best amateur deposition.

In the beginning you establish the character and lifestyle of Troy as he gets introduced to the mysterious force. I like that foundation, though your descriptions and dialogue (in some places) could be tighter. For example, you repeated the character's name in nearly each paragraph of description -- Perhaps just establish through dialogue the character being referenced and from there you'll be able to uses pronouns like simply he did... x or she laid her head on her mom's shoulder...

Your slug lines, I think are too wordy as well. "INT. HOUSE - CAMP - DAY" is a format, from what I understand best used once you have been established as a known commodity and not before. The point being, it shows arrogance in a fledgling writer.

The Mime character drew my mind to memories of the Spider-Man movies and Batman films. Not saying that's a bad thing, but it's not very original. However, the characters were life-like and well written for the most part. I am speaking about the Mime character.

So, aside from some grammatical errors, the sluglines and the descriptions, your work is fine in my opinion. I think that you'll give this one a little more attention and comb out the remamining kinks and from there you'll be set -- if you haven't already to market this baby.

I did the best could with this review. Like I said I am an amateur -- at best.

How long have you been at this, JD? I just began writing screenplays about six months back.
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courhaw
Posted: June 30th, 2008, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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I also like the way you established the sense of suspense by building up to the fringe of the payoff in a given scene and smoothly transitioning into the next leaving lingering questions a capturing the mind and piquing curiosity.

At least such was the cae for me.
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abelorfao
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, JD_OK, I've just finished reading your latest draft of Newton's Cradle. Here are my thoughts.

I found the combination of science, religion, and parapsychology very inventive. The story itself featured enough twists and surprises to keep me thoroughly engaged. In addition, there was no filler in the script as every scene served a purpose.

Your action writing was short and punctual (something I desperately need to work on), and your dialogue flowed quite nicely. The only line which sounded off was when Hartley told Duncan, "I'd rather play with myself with sandpaper." Something about the phrasing struck me as odd.

Understandably, there were a few spelling and grammatical errors. Here are the ones I found.

Page 1: "first of its' kind" should be "first if its kind."
Page 2: "Contrary to some might believe" should be "Contrary to what some might believe."
Page 24: "Get his statement soon as he pulls out" should be "Get his statement as soon as he pulls out."
Page 51: "Hartley exits" is accidentally placed in Hartley's dialogue.
Page 75: "it would have brought dangerous man" should be "it would have brought a dangerous man."
Page 98: "Whoso sheddeth man's blood" should be "Whose sheddeth man's blood."

In addition, McCaine's name is spelled McCain on a few slug lines late in the script.

There were also a few things about your story which struck me as odd.

You jump ahead three years between Marc's baptism by Morbid and his quick death at the hands of Arkon, but the only major passage of time indicated was the six months between Johna's funeral and the Mime's attack on Zahn Corp. Did I miss something?

Troy suddenly bolting awake from his nightmare and screaming Johna's name didn't ring true. You may want to consider a more subtle reaction.

When Troy wills the cell phone away from a lady he passes on the street, why doesn't she seem to react to her call suddenly ending and the cell phone being magically pulled from her hand?

I understand why Morbid killed the SEALs to get to Kneddrick, but I didn't understand why he would apparently harm the business woman on the flight. I know Morbid later tells Troy those sanctioned to take lives maintain innocence, but aren't his actions the type of abuse Arkon frowns upon?

Furthermore, if Morbid was sent by Arkon to kill Sarah due to her misuse of powers, why didn't Morbid kill Troy for abusing his powers as a Navy SEAL when he had the chance so many years ago?

I know I sound very critical, JD-OK, but I honestly think you've created a wonderful screenplay and I hope to one day write a script as enjoyable as yours.
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JD_OK
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from abelorfao
Hello, JD_OK, I've just finished reading your latest draft of Newton's Cradle. Here are my thoughts.

I found the combination of science, religion, and parapsychology very inventive. The story itself featured enough twists and surprises to keep me thoroughly engaged. In addition, there was no filler in the script as every scene served a purpose.

Your action writing was short and punctual (something I desperately need to work on), and your dialogue flowed quite nicely.


Thanks for you time and input. Thanks its taking some years, to get alot of this right and yet still needs work.

Quoted from abelorfao

Understandably, there were a few spelling and grammatical errors. Here are the ones I found.

Page 1: "first of its' kind" should be "first if its kind."
Page 2: "Contrary to some might believe" should be "Contrary to what some might believe."
Page 24: "Get his statement soon as he pulls out" should be "Get his statement as soon as he pulls out."
Page 51: "Hartley exits" is accidentally placed in Hartley's dialogue.
Page 75: "it would have brought dangerous man" should be "it would have brought a dangerous man."
Page 98: "Whoso sheddeth man's blood" should be "Whose sheddeth man's blood."

In addition, McCaine's name is spelled McCain on a few slug lines late in the script.


Whoso is old english and is a word, but everything else u were right about and thanks for the spot outs!

Quoted from abelorfao

There were also a few things about your story which struck me as odd.

You jump ahead three years between Marc's baptism by Morbid and his quick death at the hands of Arkon, but the only major passage of time indicated was the six months between Johna's funeral and the Mime's attack on Zahn Corp. Did I miss something?


No u r right, I had changed things and at one point it jumpd 3 years and that small detail wasnt change. Thanks for the catch!

Quoted from abelorfao

Troy suddenly bolting awake from his nightmare and screaming Johna's name didn't ring true. You may want to consider a more subtle reaction.


Noted and changed

Quoted from abelorfao

When Troy wills the cell phone away from a lady he passes on the street, why doesn't she seem to react to her call suddenly ending and the cell phone being magically pulled from her hand?


Yea reaction would be nice there

Quoted from abelorfao

I understand why Morbid killed the SEALs to get to Kneddrick, but I didn't understand why he would apparently harm the business woman on the flight. I know Morbid later tells Troy those sanctioned to take lives maintain innocence, but aren't his actions the type of abuse Arkon frowns upon?


You are right, i just added this part with the harm of her that wasnt there b4 and i removed this, cuz it was out of character for him to do that.

Quoted from abelorfao

Furthermore, if Morbid was sent by Arkon to kill Sarah due to her misuse of powers, why didn't Morbid kill Troy for abusing his powers as a Navy SEAL when he had the chance so many years ago?


Well its hinted at and never boldly stated but morbid that he killed troy. "troy returned home without a scratch"

small tidbits about troy being able to heal, but i did add a line so everyone will know Morbid thought he had killed troy.


Quoted from abelorfao

I know I sound very critical, JD-OK, but I honestly think you've created a wonderful screenplay and I hope to one day write a script as enjoyable as yours.


No I appreciate thats u pointed out with all good and legitimate! You will, just dont give up!

Were u able to flow the story well enuff, ever confused?

See any twist coming?

What over all tone did u get from the story, like warm, fun,dark, etc?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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abelorfao
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, JD_OK, and sorry for not replying earlier. I felt your script flowed quite well and, other than the parts I pointed out in my previous post, I wasn't confused or put off by your script. I think the emotional aspects of your script concerning Troy's relationship with Johna and Sarah were well handled and greatly enhanced the story. This was especially true concerning the unmasking of the Mime, which struck me as quite a surprise.

If I had to describe my perception of the story's tone, I would call it introspective and dramatic action. Instead of working against the action aspects of the story, however, the dramatic quality of your script highlights the action and gives it a greater sense of urgency.

This aspect is greatly displayed through the characters of Morbid and Arkon. One of the keys to a great villain is having the character be convinced, despite any evidence to the contrary, he is absolutely in the right. As far as they are concerned, Morbid and Arkon's actions are not only justifiable but are in fact the only proper response to Troy, Sarah, and Zahn's dabbling in Psiom.

Good luck with your script, JD_OK.
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pdwood
Posted: December 11th, 2008, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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JD,

This was a fantastic read. Brilliant concept. I'm not a seasoned screenwriter but I think this has all the makings of a great movie.

I particularly loved the character of Morbid for his very unique and expressive dialogue; he was distinctly and deliciously evil.

One note: I was put off by the many typos throughout; you should really bare down and fix those. A couple here or there are to be expected, but I counted at least ten before losing track. It's poor form and detracts from the high quality of the story.

Overall, though, the story and plot twists were very nicely handled. There was a surreal, driving quality to your story that for me was reminiscent of the DaVinci Codes which I thought was gripping.

Good luck to you on selling and producing this very powerful script.

PD Wood
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JD_OK
Posted: December 31st, 2008, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pdwood
JD,

This was a fantastic read. Brilliant concept. I'm not a seasoned screenwriter but I think this has all the makings of a great movie.

I particularly loved the character of Morbid for his very unique and expressive dialogue; he was distinctly and deliciously evil.

One note: I was put off by the many typos throughout; you should really bare down and fix those. A couple here or there are to be expected, but I counted at least ten before losing track. It's poor form and detracts from the high quality of the story.

Overall, though, the story and plot twists were very nicely handled. There was a surreal, driving quality to your story that for me was reminiscent of the DaVinci Codes which I thought was gripping.

Good luck to you on selling and producing this very powerful script.

PD Wood

Sorry for late response...

Thanks for giving it a read and ur input. Ill be glad to read ur work in return. yea I need to a good proof read! hah

I'm actually gonna redo the entire story. I gotta read some books first so i can get more streamlined. So in months to come expect a whole different take on this concept


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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