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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Say-Boo-Ka (Was "Boo") Moderators: bert
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  Author    Say-Boo-Ka (Was "Boo")  (currently 4474 views)
Don
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Say-Boo-Ka (Was Boo) by Mike Jones (mgj) - Adventure - Following in the footsteps of her Great Grandfather, a twelve-year-old girl sets out to uncover buried treasure guarded by a sea-creature. 95 pages - doc, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 26th, 2009, 3:46pm
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Is this the sequel to GOONIES?

I'll start reading this, but it'll take me a few days.

First thing I noticed: Your margins are waaaaaaaaay off. 1.5" on the left, and 1" on the right. Your dialogue and sluglines are also a little messed up, but that can be fixed.

Anyway, I'm gonna start reading now.
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mgj
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Wow, that was fast.  I just submitted this afternoon.  Thanks Don.  Who says you aren't quick putting scripts up.


Thanks for taking a look ABSteel.  Just let me know if there's anything of yours you'd like me to look at.

No, this isn't a sequel to Goonies although parts of the story are inspired by that and a few other movies.  I'll have to plead ignorance on the margins.   I just eye-balled what I thought looked right.  I'll have to change that.

Thanks again and take your time.

-Mike




"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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MGJ: That's why you shouldn't assume. If you don't know, look it up. There are numerous sites, and books, with the information. I even think there's a page designated for it here.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 22nd, 2007, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mgj

I've been meaning to read this. Now I am.

And to comment on the margins, I opened in doc file and it seems fine to me.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mcornetto
Posted: December 23rd, 2007, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Taking a break from mice to write about sea monsters I see. Cute little story.  I can see exactly where you targeted it and that's good.  As always, I thought you did a great job with the pacing and I thought you did a great job with Dave�s character.  The story was a bit simple for my tastes but I think that's what you were aiming for.

I had a few issues with the script though.

First off, I thought the characters needed a bit of work.  With the exception of Dave,  I found them lacking depth and motivation, even Boo.  

Boo:
What did Boo really want and why was Boo attacking ships - Either it wasn't in there or I didn't get it.  How was it that Boo was so old that he? Was he around in their great grandfather's time?

Alison:
Occasionally  Alison  sounded not her age.  One particular line is 'Avenge our deaths'.  I kept getting the feeling that you were confused about her character.  Show us more about her.  Why is it so important for her to clear her family name?   I wanted to care about her more than I was able to.

Mac
I disliked Mac.  If you could get rid of him from the story, please do. He contributed nothing to the story and he would not be missed. I didn't feel I really knew Mac, I kept thinking he was lying about being a reporter.  I cringed every time he was on the screen.   It wouldn't hurt to have the kids do everything with their uncle.  As a matter of fact having them go it alone while their uncle is off with Boo would be interesting.

Dave
I included him here because of two things.  The first is in the beginning.  When 'A frenzy of debate erupts now within the room.' It would be good to actually hear what the debate is.  You are missing out on an opportunity to tell us more about Dave through other's eyes.  Why don't they believe him? Do they think he is drunk?
The second is that Dave seems to ride a line between cowboy and sailor.  He needs to be one or the other. He could be a cowboy that sails - but you need to show us the cowboy side earlier.  I say this because when he rides the monster I found it wasn't believable and needed foreshadowing because the sailor suddenly turned into a cowboy.

Other things I found with the script were:

I didn't find the lighthouse on the island believable.  There is always a keeper, if the keeper lived that close to the monster the keeper would have pictures. Was the lighthouse deserted or something?

I don't think a raft that old that was kept in a damp cave would still float.  

I would use a different ship name than 'Intrepid' because 'Intrepid' is the name of a very famous ship.

I thought when the woman houseguest called the house evil it was a bit over the top.  Based on what happened to her I could see her calling it haunted.  It didn't do anything harmful to her or anyone she knew so why would it be evil?

I think that's probably enough to help you with your revisions. Let me know when you repost it.

Cheers,

Michael
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mgj
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Hey Michael.

Thanks for giving this a look.  I found your comments both interesting and helpful.  I'll address them one by one here:


Boo was around during her great Grandfather's time.  I know reptiles live a long time but perhaps I'm stretching believability here.   I never gave a specific reason why it was attacking ships.  It could have been for food (ie; the crewmen on board), defending its territory or perhaps both.  I just want it to be a threat.  You might be interested to know I actually sent this script to the Austin Film Festival for coverage.  One of the suggestions they mentioned was that I should give a reason for its appearance.  They didn't seem to like this notion that it was just a blood-thirsty animal looking for it's next meal.  I just didn't want to go too cute with it (if you know what I mean) even if this is a kid's story.  

As for Alison not sounding her age - maybe I should make her a little older.  Perhaps that would help.  Twelve might be too young.  I just included that 'Avenge our deaths' line as an afterthought as I was proofing it.  I thought it might elicite a chuckle but humor is very subjective.  In the coverage they never mentioned anything one way or the other about her character, although they did say that I should add more kids to the story.

Mac was a tough one for me in the sense that I had a hard time incorporating him into the story.  I guess he does seem tacked on.  I did actually enjoyed his banter with Alison and the others.  I thought the story need a sarcastic voice.  I'll see what the others think.  Now you've got me second-guessing myself.  I'm surprised you feel that strongly actually.  Now I don't know what to do.

That's funny about Dave - I did actually write a whole passage of dialog at the beginning just like you suggested.  He was a drunk, prone to tall-tales but I just removed it at the last minute - I'm not sure why, other than I was just in streamlining mode at the time.

As for the Lighthouse - here in Canada anyway, most of them are automated now.  Lighthouse keepers are a thing of the past.

I'm not sure about the raft not being able to float.  As long as it was tied up on dry land and not too water-logged I think it could still float.  

That woman in the house was a bit over the top - I agree.  I did have reservations.  Perhaps I should go back and tone things down a bit.

Thanks again for taking a look at this.  I'll definitely take your points into consideration for a rewrite.

-Mike



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein

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mgj  -  December 23rd, 2007, 1:30pm
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I_Work_at_Halls
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Not digging the opening words “the scene.” A pet peeve of mine, but does not seem professional.

On page 3 you wrote “aargh as a massive upsurge…” Uh, not sure what the aargh is supposed to be.

If Allison had always known about the map then why didn’t she try to find it earlier? It might be more exciting and convincing if Allison found the map when she was cleaning up the room.

Where is the anguish after the kids lose their uncle? There is no gravity to the situation.

Ok, I’m gonna skip to the end with my summary of comments because I was finidng too many nagging mistakes. The big things: 1- What is this screenplay about? Is it about the monster or the treasure? Your opening suggests that the important thing is the monster, so after reading that I felt that I was going to be treated to harrowing descriptions of a scary beast and the kid’s adventures with it. Instead they encounter the monster twice, both very briefly. The treasure hunt is fine, but no mention of it is made in the beginning and then suddenly takes up all the focus of the adventures.
2- The characters are very bland. Child characters are notoriously difficult to write, but at least Dave Putter and Mac should be more interesting. I felt bored reading the script because most of the action was involving the characters without the presence of Boo or the trials to reach the treasure. Involve more obstacles or improve the characters so that the audience cares more.
3- Almost nothing happens. After they find the map and go off in search of treasure, they encounter Boo, get stuck in a storm, get out of the ship, and then find the treasure and kill Boo. It’s a very underwhelming variety of events that occur and once again don’t make the script exciting.  
4- Sea monster/golden treasure stories are nothing new, so you have to really be original and creative in order to make them stand out. Unforutnately your script does none of that.
I’d suggest taking another look at it, and rewriting it with a hook that really captivates the reader and provides a clear path for you to lay out the story.
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mgj
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Thanks for giving this a look - I always like having my work picked apart.   Actually I do appreciate you taking the time.  I think I get where you're coming from with your comments.  I'll address them one by one:


Quoted from I_Work_at_Halls


On page 3 you wrote “aargh as a massive upsurge…” Uh, not sure what the aargh is supposed to be.


It's what you say when a massive upsurge propells you into the air.  I like using aaargh - no one else does so I'll stop using it.


Quoted from I_Work_at_halls


If Allison had always known about the map then why didn’t she try to find it earlier? It might be more exciting and convincing if Allison found the map when she was cleaning up the room.



I could probably write that scene in a more direct way as you suggest.


Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls


Where is the anguish after the kids lose their uncle? There is no gravity to the situation.


Live goes on, I guess.  They're still standed at sea.  They can mourn later.


Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls


The big things: 1- What is this screenplay about? Is it about the monster or the treasure? Your opening suggests that the important thing is the monster, so after reading that I felt that I was going to be treated to harrowing descriptions of a scary beast and the kid’s adventures with it. Instead they encounter the monster twice, both very briefly. The treasure hunt is fine, but no mention of it is made in the beginning and then suddenly takes up all the focus of the adventures.



It' about the hunt for the treasure, so you could say that its really about both the monster and the treasure since they're inter-related.  The opening scene was more of a teaser.  The legend of the wreck and the buried treasure is first brought up on Page 6 by the reporter.  I don't know if that's too late or not to set the framework for the rest of the story to follow.  I could probably figure a way to establish this earlier.


Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls


2- The characters are very bland. Child characters are notoriously difficult to write, but at least Dave Putter and Mac should be more interesting. I felt bored reading the script because most of the action was involving the characters without the presence of Boo or the trials to reach the treasure. Involve more obstacles or improve the characters so that the audience cares more.



I cut so much out from my original draft, especially in terms of background info on the characters that I wonder if I left them too one-dimensional.  That is, if by bland you mean under-developed.  I thought their personalities were intacted but maybe I'm just remembering them as there were and not as they are now in their current form.

It's odd you say involve more obstacles because all they do is overcome obstacles - encounters with a sea monster, a fierce storm, a whirlpool, being shipwrecked, etc.  Maybe I'm missing the mark in that none of these 'obstacles' tie in directly with locating the treasure - their ultimate goal - but rather are events that sidetrack them along the way.



Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls


3- Almost nothing happens. After they find the map and go off in search of treasure, they encounter Boo, get stuck in a storm, get out of the ship, and then find the treasure and kill Boo. It’s a very underwhelming variety of events that occur and once again don’t make the script exciting.  



I don't know - that sounds like something to me.  Not trying to mock you.  How you feel is how you feel.  I guess I'm trying to read between the lines here.  Perhaps these are more of those obstacles I mentioned above.


Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls


4- Sea monster/golden treasure stories are nothing new, so you have to really be original and creative in order to make them stand out. Unforutnately your script does none of that.
I’d suggest taking another look at it, and rewriting it with a hook that really captivates the reader and provides a clear path for you to lay out the story.



It's true I wasn't trying to reinvent the genre here.  I like a good treasure hunt tale.

Thanks for giving this a look.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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I_Work_at_Halls
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Quoted from mgj


It's what you say when a massive upsurge propells you into the air.  I like using aaargh - no one else does so I'll stop using it.

I just didnt understand the way that it was written. Is it suppose to be dialogue? Because it wasnt in dialogue format, it was in action format.







It's odd you say involve more obstacles because all they do is overcome obstacles - encounters with a sea monster, a fierce storm, a whirlpool, being shipwrecked, etc.  Maybe I'm missing the mark in that none of these 'obstacles' tie in directly with locating the treasure - their ultimate goal - but rather are events that sidetrack them along the way.

I don't know - that sounds like something to me.  Not trying to mock you.  How you feel is how you feel.  I guess I'm trying to read between the lines here.  Perhaps these are more of those obstacles I mentioned above.


Sorry, it came about a bit harsh in the way I wrote it. What I meant is that after a screenplay or watching a movie, I like to feel as if I went through alot with the characters. Reading this script I didnt get the feeling that I went through much. I dunno how else to put it, and I apologize if it doesnt make much sense.



It's true I wasn't trying to reinvent the genre here.  I like a good treasure hunt tale.

I understand. My reasoning is just that if you want it to stand out, for a sea monster tale you really need to do something unique otherwise it will probably have been done over so much before. Its probably why I felt not much had happened, because I've seen this stuff so often before.


-Mike


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mgj
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Thanks for clarifying.  

I think it's becoming apparent that something is missing characterwise.  Maybe I need to flesh out motivations better or just simply tie all the story elements together more cohesively.  It's a little frustrating since I can't seem to pinpoint what it is but I'll mull it over some more and hopefully work it out.

Thanks again for the review and if you want anything of yours reviewed just let me know.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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mcornetto
Posted: December 30th, 2007, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Mike,

The problem isn't that the characters (besides Boo) don't have clear motivation.  The problem is why they have the motivations they do.  Alison says something about proving her grandfather isn't a liar - but they are just words.  We need to see what kind of torment she goes through in order to have that motivation.  Do the kids at school tease her?  Does her mother treat her like a fibbing child?  What drives her? Anyway, my two cents.
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mgj
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Quoted from mcornetto
Mike,

The problem isn't that the characters (besides Boo) don't have clear motivation.  The problem is why they have the motivations they do.  Alison says something about proving her grandfather isn't a liar - but they are just words.  We need to see what kind of torment she goes through in order to have that motivation.  Do the kids at school tease her?  Does her mother treat her like a fibbing child?  What drives her? Anyway, my two cents.



Hey, thanks for chiming in MCornetto.  All this feedback is good.  Sometimes it's hard to have an objective view of your own work.

Believe it or not I did try to give Alison reasons for her motivation like you suggested.  There is a scene at the dock when a group of kids briefly mock her, the neighbor lady as well snubbed her nose at her.  It's not just you who feels this way though, so obviously I'm not communicating this very well to the reader.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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greg
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Hey Mike,

I liked this.  In fact, I liked it a lot.  I don't think I've read a subtle adventure story on the boards that targets the family, so this was a pleasant surprise.  Here are the notes I took while reading:

23: The journal entry sounds more like a blurb.  I think it should have some fancy language and better wording.  Same with the one liner of him giving up.  It kinda feels like the entries were just throw in there.
30: "It was hidden under a loose floorboard in our Great Grandfather's room" seems like an odd piece of dialogue.  Everyone knows everyone in the town, right?  And Dave is family, right?  This seems like an unusually formal explanation.
38: Mac's a reporter, huh?  I'll wait until the end to see how that plays out before commenting.
40: You made a good setup here.  As much as I was pessimistic 2 seconds ago about the reporter bit, you make it work out pretty nicely here with the restoration of the Madden name.
42: Maybe it would be cool if Dave had a photo of Boo...like a really feint one in the tradition of Big Foot and Nessie...but that's my opinion.
44: After Alison yanks the map back, Mac should go "careful, that's our only copy!" to mock her.  haha.
48: I like how you're showing us Boo, whereas some stories would stick to telling stories about the mysterious creature and/or show brief glimpses of it, but you're giving us the whole thing here which I think ups the adventure a notch.
56: There's something off about Mac.  I feel like the past 5 pages had a supplementary 10 pages of info.
60: So is this a mountain that's kinda just off to the side in the ocean?
60s: I think either I missed something or there's a sentence missing around here.  Because Mac tied the line to the wheel, right?  But then the boat fell to the ground below, and then they're somehow on the mountain.  How did that happen?  Was the boat split in half or something?  
69: Who's Will?
76: Question: I really like the ship graveyard you have here.  Let me just make sure I have this right: So the cave is on the beach shore, right?  And the tide will flood it, right?  Now, the signal from the lighthouse was the last thing the Great Grandfather saw before Boo got to him, right?  So, I'm guessing all these ships were looking at night because otherwise how would they drift into the cave?  Am I right or am I missing something?
86: Okay, so it's a channeled cave..so there's shallow water going in I guess?

Most of the questions, as you can see, I think are more related to the sentence syntax rather than the script as a whole.

As for the story, I think you just need to take one more step into the water.  Boo is the script's title character but I felt she was cast aside and mostly used as a subplot.  At the end I was hoping that there would be a revelation or maybe she'd help our 4 main characters or some thing that would tie her up nicely with the story, but it never came.  I think what a few others have said with Boo needing motivation is more due to the fact that she is the title of the story.  If the title were anything else then her involvement would be just fine, but with what it is now, she doesn't play a major enough role.

I liked the characters.  It's hard to write kids, but I think with Alison and Stevie you hit the nail on the head.  It's painfully annoying when I watch a film with some bitch kid who screams all the time and in the face of danger is always going "we're gonna die! waaaah we're not gonna make it! waaah!"(i.e. Dante's Peak, Volcano, 2005's War of the Worlds).  But Alison and Stevie I really liked.  They were cool, funny, and I think would convert well to film.  

Mac was an odd one for me.  In the beginning he's got an introduction like Aragon from Lord of the Rings and I get the feeling he's some random tough guy looking for adventure, but then it turns out he's a reporter.  When all was said and done, though, I bought it, but I feel he can be more developed.  He's talking a lot about how he's seemingly at the end of his line, but I would have liked to get a tad more into it.  

Same with Putter Dave.  I think he's 90% cool with me but just a little more personality would make him that much better.  Everyone thinks he's a nut, right?  And he's always out on the water, right?  Give him some more asinine dialogue or something to really get him into character.  

Speaking of which, I thoroughly enjoyed the all around dialogue.  Whether it was in the face of danger or something tragic happened, nobody got annoying.  Also the little quirks everyone did/said I enjoyed very much.  When the kids are dangling from the rope and Alison is more focused on the map and Stevie's staying chill over there.  That's the kinda relaxness that I like to see in adventures.  Makes it a fun experience.

The adventure overall was very cool.  I liked the imagery and you have some good action in here as well to make it an all around fun story.  Again, if I had one thing to complain about it would be Boo being off to the side.  Aside from that, I very much enjoyed your story.  It's obvious who your target audience was and you succeeded and then some.

Very well done, Mike!  If you have any questions or want me to clarify anything, feel free to let me know!


Be excellent to each other
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mgj
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Hey Greg.  Thanks for the thorough review.  I'll address them below.



Quoted from greg

23: The journal entry sounds more like a blurb.  I think it should have some fancy language and better wording.  Same with the one liner of him giving up.  It kinda feels like the entries were just throw in there.


Yeah, I see what you mean.  This has to inspire them, and the audience, to go on this quest.  The words should really reasonate.


Quoted from greg

30: "It was hidden under a loose floorboard in our Great Grandfather's room" seems like an odd piece of dialogue.  Everyone knows everyone in the town, right?  And Dave is family, right?  This seems like an unusually formal explanation.


A bit on the nose - you're right.


Quoted from greg

38: Mac's a reporter, huh?  I'll wait until the end to see how that plays out before commenting.

40: You made a good setup here.  As much as I was pessimistic 2 seconds ago about the reporter bit, you make it work out pretty nicely here with the restoration of the Madden name.


Mac was a tough one.  I felt I needed a sarcastic voice for the other characters to play off of.  He's sort of like Han Solo - not really integral to the plot.  He's more just along for the ride and to keep everyone on their toes.  I had to figure a way to bring him in to the story so I came up with the idea of him being a reporter.  My original intention was for him to use this as a ruse to sabbatage the search somehow and steal the treasure all for himself.  I still might use that angle.  What do you think - would that flesh out his character a little better for you?


Quoted from greg

56: There's something off about Mac.  I feel like the past 5 pages had a supplementary 10 pages of info.


I'm guessing you're unsure why Mac and the kids are suddenly on friendly terms?  With Dave gone it was just the three of them.  This forces them to learn to work together, find common ground so to speak.  I guess even enemies can learn to work together when thrust into a situation.  That was my intent anyway.  


Quoted from greg

60: So is this a mountain that's kinda just off to the side in the ocean?


Yeah.  I think Oregon has a really famous one along it's coast.  It's just part of the mountainside that the ocean has eroded away from the coastline.


Quoted from greg

60s: I think either I missed something or there's a sentence missing around here.  Because Mac tied the line to the wheel, right?  But then the boat fell to the ground below, and then they're somehow on the mountain.  How did that happen?  Was the boat split in half or something?  


Rats - a logical loophole.  I guess, er  he must have untied it really quickly before jumping out.  Actually this really bugs me.  I know some people will tell you movies don't have to make sense but I've always felt they should hold up under scrutiny.  I'll have to fix this.


Quoted from greg

69: Who's Will?


Rats again.  Putter Dave was called Will in an earlier draft.  I thought I got them all.


Quoted from greg

76: Question: I really like the ship graveyard you have here.  Let me just make sure I have this right: So the cave is on the beach shore, right?  And the tide will flood it, right?  Now, the signal from the lighthouse was the last thing the Great Grandfather saw before Boo got to him, right?  So, I'm guessing all these ships were looking at night because otherwise how would they drift into the cave?  Am I right or am I missing something?


Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

Her Great-Grandfather's shipwreck took place at night - hence the lighthouse warning.  The others could have occured during the day though.  It was the tide and pounding waves that drew the ships into the coastline, not poor navigation.  


Quoted from greg

As for the story, I think you just need to take one more step into the water.  Boo is the script's title character but I felt she was cast aside and mostly used as a subplot.  


Yeah, I'm beginning to come around a bit on this.  I guess if you use a movie like ET as an analogy, then it makes sense.  

The coverage writer at the Austin Film Festival suggested I build on the legend by having the place where the treasure is located magically sealed somehow, only to be unlocked at the anniversary of some event like Haley's comet or a full moon.  Once unlocked, the sea-creature would emerge to protect the treasure as if it were one of its young.  I'm not sure what you think of this, if you have any thoughts.  My initial reaction was that it was a bit out there but I suppose it would give Boo more of a motive.  The writer felt it needed a reason for being in those waters at that time.



Quoted from greg

The adventure overall was very cool.  I liked the imagery and you have some good action in here as well to make it an all around fun story.  Again, if I had one thing to complain about it would be Boo being off to the side.  Aside from that, I very much enjoyed your story.  It's obvious who your target audience was and you succeeded and then some.


Thanks.  Glade you enjoyed it.  And thanks again for all this insight.  It's very useful.

-Mike



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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