Say-Boo-Ka (Was Boo) by Mike Jones (mgj) - Adventure - Following in the footsteps of her Great Grandfather, a twelve-year-old girl sets out to uncover buried treasure guarded by a sea-creature. 95 pages - doc, format

Is this the sequel to GOONIES?

I'll start reading this, but it'll take me a few days.

First thing I noticed: Your margins are waaaaaaaaay off. 1.5" on the left, and 1" on the right. Your dialogue and sluglines are also a little messed up, but that can be fixed.

Anyway, I'm gonna start reading now.

Wow, that was fast.  I just submitted this afternoon.  Thanks Don.  Who says you aren't quick putting scripts up.


Thanks for taking a look ABSteel.  Just let me know if there's anything of yours you'd like me to look at.

No, this isn't a sequel to Goonies although parts of the story are inspired by that and a few other movies.  I'll have to plead ignorance on the margins.   I just eye-balled what I thought looked right.  I'll have to change that.

Thanks again and take your time.

-Mike

MGJ: That's why you shouldn't assume. If you don't know, look it up. There are numerous sites, and books, with the information. I even think there's a page designated for it here.

Hey Mgj

I've been meaning to read this. Now I am.

And to comment on the margins, I opened in doc file and it seems fine to me.

Gabe

Hey Mike,

Taking a break from mice to write about sea monsters I see. Cute little story.  I can see exactly where you targeted it and that's good.  As always, I thought you did a great job with the pacing and I thought you did a great job with Dave�s character.  The story was a bit simple for my tastes but I think that's what you were aiming for.

I had a few issues with the script though.

First off, I thought the characters needed a bit of work.  With the exception of Dave,  I found them lacking depth and motivation, even Boo.  

Boo:
What did Boo really want and why was Boo attacking ships - Either it wasn't in there or I didn't get it.  How was it that Boo was so old that he? Was he around in their great grandfather's time?

Alison:
Occasionally  Alison  sounded not her age.  One particular line is 'Avenge our deaths'.  I kept getting the feeling that you were confused about her character.  Show us more about her.  Why is it so important for her to clear her family name?   I wanted to care about her more than I was able to.

Mac
I disliked Mac.  If you could get rid of him from the story, please do. He contributed nothing to the story and he would not be missed. I didn't feel I really knew Mac, I kept thinking he was lying about being a reporter.  I cringed every time he was on the screen.   It wouldn't hurt to have the kids do everything with their uncle.  As a matter of fact having them go it alone while their uncle is off with Boo would be interesting.

Dave
I included him here because of two things.  The first is in the beginning.  When 'A frenzy of debate erupts now within the room.' It would be good to actually hear what the debate is.  You are missing out on an opportunity to tell us more about Dave through other's eyes.  Why don't they believe him? Do they think he is drunk?
The second is that Dave seems to ride a line between cowboy and sailor.  He needs to be one or the other. He could be a cowboy that sails - but you need to show us the cowboy side earlier.  I say this because when he rides the monster I found it wasn't believable and needed foreshadowing because the sailor suddenly turned into a cowboy.

Other things I found with the script were:

I didn't find the lighthouse on the island believable.  There is always a keeper, if the keeper lived that close to the monster the keeper would have pictures. Was the lighthouse deserted or something?

I don't think a raft that old that was kept in a damp cave would still float.  

I would use a different ship name than 'Intrepid' because 'Intrepid' is the name of a very famous ship.

I thought when the woman houseguest called the house evil it was a bit over the top.  Based on what happened to her I could see her calling it haunted.  It didn't do anything harmful to her or anyone she knew so why would it be evil?

I think that's probably enough to help you with your revisions. Let me know when you repost it.

Cheers,

Michael

Hey Michael.

Thanks for giving this a look.  I found your comments both interesting and helpful.  I'll address them one by one here:


Boo was around during her great Grandfather's time.  I know reptiles live a long time but perhaps I'm stretching believability here.   I never gave a specific reason why it was attacking ships.  It could have been for food (ie; the crewmen on board), defending its territory or perhaps both.  I just want it to be a threat.  You might be interested to know I actually sent this script to the Austin Film Festival for coverage.  One of the suggestions they mentioned was that I should give a reason for its appearance.  They didn't seem to like this notion that it was just a blood-thirsty animal looking for it's next meal.  I just didn't want to go too cute with it (if you know what I mean) even if this is a kid's story.  

As for Alison not sounding her age - maybe I should make her a little older.  Perhaps that would help.  Twelve might be too young.  I just included that 'Avenge our deaths' line as an afterthought as I was proofing it.  I thought it might elicite a chuckle but humor is very subjective.  In the coverage they never mentioned anything one way or the other about her character, although they did say that I should add more kids to the story.

Mac was a tough one for me in the sense that I had a hard time incorporating him into the story.  I guess he does seem tacked on.  I did actually enjoyed his banter with Alison and the others.  I thought the story need a sarcastic voice.  I'll see what the others think.  Now you've got me second-guessing myself.  I'm surprised you feel that strongly actually.  Now I don't know what to do.

That's funny about Dave - I did actually write a whole passage of dialog at the beginning just like you suggested.  He was a drunk, prone to tall-tales but I just removed it at the last minute - I'm not sure why, other than I was just in streamlining mode at the time.

As for the Lighthouse - here in Canada anyway, most of them are automated now.  Lighthouse keepers are a thing of the past.

I'm not sure about the raft not being able to float.  As long as it was tied up on dry land and not too water-logged I think it could still float.  

That woman in the house was a bit over the top - I agree.  I did have reservations.  Perhaps I should go back and tone things down a bit.

Thanks again for taking a look at this.  I'll definitely take your points into consideration for a rewrite.

-Mike

Not digging the opening words “the scene.” A pet peeve of mine, but does not seem professional.

On page 3 you wrote “aargh as a massive upsurge…” Uh, not sure what the aargh is supposed to be.

If Allison had always known about the map then why didn’t she try to find it earlier? It might be more exciting and convincing if Allison found the map when she was cleaning up the room.

Where is the anguish after the kids lose their uncle? There is no gravity to the situation.

Ok, I’m gonna skip to the end with my summary of comments because I was finidng too many nagging mistakes. The big things: 1- What is this screenplay about? Is it about the monster or the treasure? Your opening suggests that the important thing is the monster, so after reading that I felt that I was going to be treated to harrowing descriptions of a scary beast and the kid’s adventures with it. Instead they encounter the monster twice, both very briefly. The treasure hunt is fine, but no mention of it is made in the beginning and then suddenly takes up all the focus of the adventures.
2- The characters are very bland. Child characters are notoriously difficult to write, but at least Dave Putter and Mac should be more interesting. I felt bored reading the script because most of the action was involving the characters without the presence of Boo or the trials to reach the treasure. Involve more obstacles or improve the characters so that the audience cares more.
3- Almost nothing happens. After they find the map and go off in search of treasure, they encounter Boo, get stuck in a storm, get out of the ship, and then find the treasure and kill Boo. It’s a very underwhelming variety of events that occur and once again don’t make the script exciting.  
4- Sea monster/golden treasure stories are nothing new, so you have to really be original and creative in order to make them stand out. Unforutnately your script does none of that.
I’d suggest taking another look at it, and rewriting it with a hook that really captivates the reader and provides a clear path for you to lay out the story.

Thanks for giving this a look - I always like having my work picked apart.   Actually I do appreciate you taking the time.  I think I get where you're coming from with your comments.  I'll address them one by one:

Quoted from I_Work_at_Halls On page 3 you wrote “aargh as a massive upsurge…” Uh, not sure what the aargh is supposed to be.

It's what you say when a massive upsurge propells you into the air.  I like using aaargh - no one else does so I'll stop using it.

Quoted from I_Work_at_halls If Allison had always known about the map then why didn’t she try to find it earlier? It might be more exciting and convincing if Allison found the map when she was cleaning up the room.

I could probably write that scene in a more direct way as you suggest.

Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls Where is the anguish after the kids lose their uncle? There is no gravity to the situation.

Live goes on, I guess.  They're still standed at sea.  They can mourn later.

Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls The big things: 1- What is this screenplay about? Is it about the monster or the treasure? Your opening suggests that the important thing is the monster, so after reading that I felt that I was going to be treated to harrowing descriptions of a scary beast and the kid’s adventures with it. Instead they encounter the monster twice, both very briefly. The treasure hunt is fine, but no mention of it is made in the beginning and then suddenly takes up all the focus of the adventures.

It' about the hunt for the treasure, so you could say that its really about both the monster and the treasure since they're inter-related.  The opening scene was more of a teaser.  The legend of the wreck and the buried treasure is first brought up on Page 6 by the reporter.  I don't know if that's too late or not to set the framework for the rest of the story to follow.  I could probably figure a way to establish this earlier.

Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls 2- The characters are very bland. Child characters are notoriously difficult to write, but at least Dave Putter and Mac should be more interesting. I felt bored reading the script because most of the action was involving the characters without the presence of Boo or the trials to reach the treasure. Involve more obstacles or improve the characters so that the audience cares more.

I cut so much out from my original draft, especially in terms of background info on the characters that I wonder if I left them too one-dimensional.  That is, if by bland you mean under-developed.  I thought their personalities were intacted but maybe I'm just remembering them as there were and not as they are now in their current form.

It's odd you say involve more obstacles because all they do is overcome obstacles - encounters with a sea monster, a fierce storm, a whirlpool, being shipwrecked, etc.  Maybe I'm missing the mark in that none of these 'obstacles' tie in directly with locating the treasure - their ultimate goal - but rather are events that sidetrack them along the way.

Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls 3- Almost nothing happens. After they find the map and go off in search of treasure, they encounter Boo, get stuck in a storm, get out of the ship, and then find the treasure and kill Boo. It’s a very underwhelming variety of events that occur and once again don’t make the script exciting.

I don't know - that sounds like something to me.  Not trying to mock you.  How you feel is how you feel.  I guess I'm trying to read between the lines here.  Perhaps these are more of those obstacles I mentioned above.

Quoted from I_Work_At_Halls 4- Sea monster/golden treasure stories are nothing new, so you have to really be original and creative in order to make them stand out. Unforutnately your script does none of that. I’d suggest taking another look at it, and rewriting it with a hook that really captivates the reader and provides a clear path for you to lay out the story.

It's true I wasn't trying to reinvent the genre here.  I like a good treasure hunt tale.

Thanks for giving this a look.

-Mike

Quoted from mgj It's what you say when a massive upsurge propells you into the air.  I like using aaargh - no one else does so I'll stop using it. I just didnt understand the way that it was written. Is it suppose to be dialogue? Because it wasnt in dialogue format, it was in action format. It's odd you say involve more obstacles because all they do is overcome obstacles - encounters with a sea monster, a fierce storm, a whirlpool, being shipwrecked, etc.  Maybe I'm missing the mark in that none of these 'obstacles' tie in directly with locating the treasure - their ultimate goal - but rather are events that sidetrack them along the way. I don't know - that sounds like something to me.  Not trying to mock you.  How you feel is how you feel.  I guess I'm trying to read between the lines here.  Perhaps these are more of those obstacles I mentioned above. Sorry, it came about a bit harsh in the way I wrote it. What I meant is that after a screenplay or watching a movie, I like to feel as if I went through alot with the characters. Reading this script I didnt get the feeling that I went through much. I dunno how else to put it, and I apologize if it doesnt make much sense. It's true I wasn't trying to reinvent the genre here.  I like a good treasure hunt tale. I understand. My reasoning is just that if you want it to stand out, for a sea monster tale you really need to do something unique otherwise it will probably have been done over so much before. Its probably why I felt not much had happened, because I've seen this stuff so often before. -Mike

Thanks for clarifying.  

I think it's becoming apparent that something is missing characterwise.  Maybe I need to flesh out motivations better or just simply tie all the story elements together more cohesively.  It's a little frustrating since I can't seem to pinpoint what it is but I'll mull it over some more and hopefully work it out.

Thanks again for the review and if you want anything of yours reviewed just let me know.

-Mike

Mike,

The problem isn't that the characters (besides Boo) don't have clear motivation.  The problem is why they have the motivations they do.  Alison says something about proving her grandfather isn't a liar - but they are just words.  We need to see what kind of torment she goes through in order to have that motivation.  Do the kids at school tease her?  Does her mother treat her like a fibbing child?  What drives her? Anyway, my two cents.

Quoted from mcornetto Mike, The problem isn't that the characters (besides Boo) don't have clear motivation.  The problem is why they have the motivations they do.  Alison says something about proving her grandfather isn't a liar - but they are just words.  We need to see what kind of torment she goes through in order to have that motivation.  Do the kids at school tease her?  Does her mother treat her like a fibbing child?  What drives her? Anyway, my two cents.

Hey, thanks for chiming in MCornetto.  All this feedback is good.  Sometimes it's hard to have an objective view of your own work.

Believe it or not I did try to give Alison reasons for her motivation like you suggested.  There is a scene at the dock when a group of kids briefly mock her, the neighbor lady as well snubbed her nose at her.  It's not just you who feels this way though, so obviously I'm not communicating this very well to the reader.

Hey Mike,

I liked this.  In fact, I liked it a lot.  I don't think I've read a subtle adventure story on the boards that targets the family, so this was a pleasant surprise.  Here are the notes I took while reading:

23: The journal entry sounds more like a blurb.  I think it should have some fancy language and better wording.  Same with the one liner of him giving up.  It kinda feels like the entries were just throw in there.
30: "It was hidden under a loose floorboard in our Great Grandfather's room" seems like an odd piece of dialogue.  Everyone knows everyone in the town, right?  And Dave is family, right?  This seems like an unusually formal explanation.
38: Mac's a reporter, huh?  I'll wait until the end to see how that plays out before commenting.
40: You made a good setup here.  As much as I was pessimistic 2 seconds ago about the reporter bit, you make it work out pretty nicely here with the restoration of the Madden name.
42: Maybe it would be cool if Dave had a photo of Boo...like a really feint one in the tradition of Big Foot and Nessie...but that's my opinion.
44: After Alison yanks the map back, Mac should go "careful, that's our only copy!" to mock her.  haha.
48: I like how you're showing us Boo, whereas some stories would stick to telling stories about the mysterious creature and/or show brief glimpses of it, but you're giving us the whole thing here which I think ups the adventure a notch.
56: There's something off about Mac.  I feel like the past 5 pages had a supplementary 10 pages of info.
60: So is this a mountain that's kinda just off to the side in the ocean?
60s: I think either I missed something or there's a sentence missing around here.  Because Mac tied the line to the wheel, right?  But then the boat fell to the ground below, and then they're somehow on the mountain.  How did that happen?  Was the boat split in half or something?  
69: Who's Will?
76: Question: I really like the ship graveyard you have here.  Let me just make sure I have this right: So the cave is on the beach shore, right?  And the tide will flood it, right?  Now, the signal from the lighthouse was the last thing the Great Grandfather saw before Boo got to him, right?  So, I'm guessing all these ships were looking at night because otherwise how would they drift into the cave?  Am I right or am I missing something?
86: Okay, so it's a channeled cave..so there's shallow water going in I guess?

Most of the questions, as you can see, I think are more related to the sentence syntax rather than the script as a whole.

As for the story, I think you just need to take one more step into the water.  Boo is the script's title character but I felt she was cast aside and mostly used as a subplot.  At the end I was hoping that there would be a revelation or maybe she'd help our 4 main characters or some thing that would tie her up nicely with the story, but it never came.  I think what a few others have said with Boo needing motivation is more due to the fact that she is the title of the story.  If the title were anything else then her involvement would be just fine, but with what it is now, she doesn't play a major enough role.

I liked the characters.  It's hard to write kids, but I think with Alison and Stevie you hit the nail on the head.  It's painfully annoying when I watch a film with some bitch kid who screams all the time and in the face of danger is always going "we're gonna die! waaaah we're not gonna make it! waaah!"(i.e. Dante's Peak, Volcano, 2005's War of the Worlds).  But Alison and Stevie I really liked.  They were cool, funny, and I think would convert well to film.  

Mac was an odd one for me.  In the beginning he's got an introduction like Aragon from Lord of the Rings and I get the feeling he's some random tough guy looking for adventure, but then it turns out he's a reporter.  When all was said and done, though, I bought it, but I feel he can be more developed.  He's talking a lot about how he's seemingly at the end of his line, but I would have liked to get a tad more into it.  

Same with Putter Dave.  I think he's 90% cool with me but just a little more personality would make him that much better.  Everyone thinks he's a nut, right?  And he's always out on the water, right?  Give him some more asinine dialogue or something to really get him into character.  

Speaking of which, I thoroughly enjoyed the all around dialogue.  Whether it was in the face of danger or something tragic happened, nobody got annoying.  Also the little quirks everyone did/said I enjoyed very much.  When the kids are dangling from the rope and Alison is more focused on the map and Stevie's staying chill over there.  That's the kinda relaxness that I like to see in adventures.  Makes it a fun experience.

The adventure overall was very cool.  I liked the imagery and you have some good action in here as well to make it an all around fun story.  Again, if I had one thing to complain about it would be Boo being off to the side.  Aside from that, I very much enjoyed your story.  It's obvious who your target audience was and you succeeded and then some.

Very well done, Mike!  If you have any questions or want me to clarify anything, feel free to let me know!

Hey Greg.  Thanks for the thorough review.  I'll address them below.

Quoted from greg 23: The journal entry sounds more like a blurb.  I think it should have some fancy language and better wording.  Same with the one liner of him giving up.  It kinda feels like the entries were just throw in there.

Yeah, I see what you mean.  This has to inspire them, and the audience, to go on this quest.  The words should really reasonate.

Quoted from greg 30: "It was hidden under a loose floorboard in our Great Grandfather's room" seems like an odd piece of dialogue.  Everyone knows everyone in the town, right?  And Dave is family, right?  This seems like an unusually formal explanation.

A bit on the nose - you're right.

Quoted from greg 38: Mac's a reporter, huh?  I'll wait until the end to see how that plays out before commenting. 40: You made a good setup here.  As much as I was pessimistic 2 seconds ago about the reporter bit, you make it work out pretty nicely here with the restoration of the Madden name.

Mac was a tough one.  I felt I needed a sarcastic voice for the other characters to play off of.  He's sort of like Han Solo - not really integral to the plot.  He's more just along for the ride and to keep everyone on their toes.  I had to figure a way to bring him in to the story so I came up with the idea of him being a reporter.  My original intention was for him to use this as a ruse to sabbatage the search somehow and steal the treasure all for himself.  I still might use that angle.  What do you think - would that flesh out his character a little better for you?

Quoted from greg 56: There's something off about Mac.  I feel like the past 5 pages had a supplementary 10 pages of info.

I'm guessing you're unsure why Mac and the kids are suddenly on friendly terms?  With Dave gone it was just the three of them.  This forces them to learn to work together, find common ground so to speak.  I guess even enemies can learn to work together when thrust into a situation.  That was my intent anyway.  

Quoted from greg 60: So is this a mountain that's kinda just off to the side in the ocean?

Yeah.  I think Oregon has a really famous one along it's coast.  It's just part of the mountainside that the ocean has eroded away from the coastline.

Quoted from greg 60s: I think either I missed something or there's a sentence missing around here.  Because Mac tied the line to the wheel, right?  But then the boat fell to the ground below, and then they're somehow on the mountain.  How did that happen?  Was the boat split in half or something?

Rats - a logical loophole.  I guess, er  he must have untied it really quickly before jumping out.  Actually this really bugs me.  I know some people will tell you movies don't have to make sense but I've always felt they should hold up under scrutiny.  I'll have to fix this.

Quoted from greg 69: Who's Will?

Rats again.  Putter Dave was called Will in an earlier draft.  I thought I got them all.

Quoted from greg 76: Question: I really like the ship graveyard you have here.  Let me just make sure I have this right: So the cave is on the beach shore, right?  And the tide will flood it, right?  Now, the signal from the lighthouse was the last thing the Great Grandfather saw before Boo got to him, right?  So, I'm guessing all these ships were looking at night because otherwise how would they drift into the cave?  Am I right or am I missing something?

Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

Her Great-Grandfather's shipwreck took place at night - hence the lighthouse warning.  The others could have occured during the day though.  It was the tide and pounding waves that drew the ships into the coastline, not poor navigation.  

Quoted from greg As for the story, I think you just need to take one more step into the water.  Boo is the script's title character but I felt she was cast aside and mostly used as a subplot.

Yeah, I'm beginning to come around a bit on this.  I guess if you use a movie like ET as an analogy, then it makes sense.  

The coverage writer at the Austin Film Festival suggested I build on the legend by having the place where the treasure is located magically sealed somehow, only to be unlocked at the anniversary of some event like Haley's comet or a full moon.  Once unlocked, the sea-creature would emerge to protect the treasure as if it were one of its young.  I'm not sure what you think of this, if you have any thoughts.  My initial reaction was that it was a bit out there but I suppose it would give Boo more of a motive.  The writer felt it needed a reason for being in those waters at that time.

Quoted from greg The adventure overall was very cool.  I liked the imagery and you have some good action in here as well to make it an all around fun story.  Again, if I had one thing to complain about it would be Boo being off to the side.  Aside from that, I very much enjoyed your story.  It's obvious who your target audience was and you succeeded and then some.

Thanks.  Glade you enjoyed it.  And thanks again for all this insight.  It's very useful.

-Mike

Quoted from mgj Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

If the cave fills with water how did the raft stay dry? (Sorry )

Quoted from mcornetto If the cave fills with water how did the raft stay dry? (Sorry )

I think your confused because you're imagining the entire cave filling up with water.   What if I say the raft was tied up at a spot just above the high-water mark?  

Quoted Text Mac was a tough one.  I felt I needed a sarcastic voice for the other characters to play off of.  He's sort of like Han Solo - not really integral to the plot.  He's more just along for the ride and to keep everyone on their toes.  I had to figure a way to bring him in to the story so I came up with the idea of him being a reporter.  My original intention was for him to use this as a ruse to sabbatage the search somehow and steal the treasure all for himself.  I still might use that angle.  What do you think - would that flesh out his character a little better for you?

Ya know, as I was reading, both Han Solo and Jack Sparrow came to mind.  Maybe making him more greedy would flesh him out more, but of course he has to do the right thing in the end to redeem himself as both Solo and Sparrow(at least in the 1st) did.  

Quoted Text I'm guessing you're unsure why Mac and the kids are suddenly on friendly terms?  With Dave gone it was just the three of them.  This forces them to learn to work together, find common ground so to speak.  I guess even enemies can learn to work together when thrust into a situation.  That was my intent anyway.

I think what got me on this scene was when Mac goes: What?  You weren’t planning on staying mad at me forever were you?... C’mon.  Don’t be that way.  Come back and give your ol’ Uncle Mac a hand.  I’ll even let you listen to your tunes on the radio.

After reading that I was like ehhhh.  Cause he's really coming on oddly strong there whereas up until now(and the rest of the story for that matter) he's just kind of like the guy who manages to bug everyone with everything he does.

Quoted Text Rats - a logical loophole.  I guess, er  he must have untied it really quickly before jumping out.  Actually this really bugs me.  I know some people will tell you movies don't have to make sense but I've always felt they should hold up under scrutiny.  I'll have to fix this.

Ah ha!  So it was a loophole!  No matter, it's easily fixable.  You could have half the boat rip off and the other half still dangling...so when Putter comes ashore and sees the wreck on the beach, Mac could sarcastically go "yeah...up there, too."  and Putter's like WAAAAH?  Or maybe a rock jagged through the hull so they tie the rope around that.  It's really no biggie.  Tons of possibilities.  

Quoted Text Yeah - that's it.  The cave fills with water at hight-tide.  Not all of the water drains out though since the floor of the cave is below sea-level.  I've seen this before - on a much smaller scale, mind you.

Ah, check.  Now that's a cool cave!

Quoted Text The coverage writer at the Austin Film Festival suggested I build on the legend by having the place where the treasure is located magically sealed somehow, only to be unlocked at the anniversary of some event like Haley's comet or a full moon.  Once unlocked, the sea-creature would emerge to protect the treasure as if it were one of its young.  I'm not sure what you think of this, if you have any thoughts.  My initial reaction was that it was a bit out there but I suppose it would give Boo more of a motive.  The writer felt it needed a reason for being in those waters at that time.

Eh.  The problem with that is it's getting way too mystical and makes the story way  more complex.  I think what you have now is a solid foundation, it's just working Boo more into it.  Right now she attacks the ships and is like the Keeper of the Treasure...and the Keeper of the Legend for that matter.  Personally, I'd keep it as simple as possible and sway from any magical stuff or whatever.  To buy me out on Boo, all that needs to be done is give her something pivotal...give her a reason to be there, weather it be related to the treasure, the Great Grandfather...a rescue, whatever.  Given how I think you succeeded so much with this story already, I know you can do it!

Quoted from greg Ya know, as I was reading, both Han Solo and Jack Sparrow came to mind.  Maybe making him more greedy would flesh him out more, but of course he has to do the right thing in the end to redeem himself as both Solo and Sparrow(at least in the 1st) did.

You're right, he absolutely has to do the right thing in the end.  Originally I had him as a local politician.  His plan was to concoct a hoax about Boo in an effort to bring tourism into the community.  Only when he discovers that Boo's actually real does he band together with the others to go treasure huntin').  These things can get away from you in a real hurry though.  I think I had it at an additional 20 pages or something for this.  

Quoted from greg Ah ha!  So it was a loophole!  No matter, it's easily fixable.  You could have half the boat rip off and the other half still dangling...so when Putter comes ashore and sees the wreck on the beach, Mac could sarcastically go "yeah...up there, too."  and Putter's like WAAAAH?  Or maybe a rock jagged through the hull so they tie the rope around that.  It's really no biggie.  Tons of possibilities.

That's exactly how I orginally had it.  The hull breaks in two.  On the beach Mac directs Putter's attention towards the top of the cliff, to which Putter responds 'You mean... but where's the rest of it?' And then he eyes the debris pile directly below.  Not sure why I changed it.  I think I felt the hull splitting in two was a little unrealistic.  Seems like I plugged one loophole by creating another.  I just may have to change it back now.

Quoted from greg Eh.  The problem with that is it's getting way too mystical and makes the story way  more complex.  I think what you have now is a solid foundation, it's just working Boo more into it.

Yeah, I think we're on the same page here.  I'd like to keep this simple and grounded in reality as much as possible too.  I remember a very old interview with either Spielberg or Lucas (early eighties, I think) that really stuck with me.  He said you can exploit pretty much anything for laughs or whatnot but the actual quest that your hero is on must be taken seriously, otherwise nobody will buy into it.  I think if I start introducing mystical elements into the whole legend of Boo then I risk just that.  It's surprsing how many films now don't adhere to this simple principle.  Even Pirates of the Caribean feels like one big joke to me as I watch it.


Thanks again for your input.

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Sorry for the wait. Been busy alot lately. I got a chance to read 15pgs and I found interesting. It leads the readers in especially the opening. What I found distracting was the AAARRGGH description. I'm not concentrated on format much but that it seems out of place. Why not elminate the AARRGG and as part, starting the sentence with a.

"A massive upsurge propels both him and his boat into the air."

I thinks this conveys more.

Allison seems to be portryed more as a grownup than a child. For example, her dialgoue is impeciable.

pg. 17 ALISON
I’m positive.  Look - he was charting a course from the mainland out to this chain of islands here.  

pg.15 ALISON
Once, while I was looking out my window, I thought I saw something moving out in the harbor.  It was foggy though so I can’t be certain.

I think you want to tone this down a bit due to her age. But she could be a genius.

I'll let you know more,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.  Thanks for taking a look.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that no one likes 'AAARGH' in a description.  It's my New Years resolution to stop doing that.    

I see what you mean about Alison's dialogue sounding rather mature for a twelve-year-old.  I guess the way I'd view it is this: she's lived in a small fishing village her whole life, she's grown up listening to her Great-Grandfather tell her tales about his adventures on the high seas.  It's like, say an Eskimo kid knowing more about snow or the mating habits of seals than some adult living in New York.  It probably stands to reason that the same is true for Alison.  She should be a little more articulate on matters of the sea.  Well, that's my story anyway and I'm sticking to it.    

Oh, and just let me know if you want anything of yours reviewed.  

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Read a couple of more pages. Not sure how much since I'm reading it from a notepad in school. But I'm really enjoying it so far.

Some things though:

The wife who thinks a Ghost is living in there, what makes her think its evil? I think it will be better to say that its haunted rather than evil, unless there is more sinister backstory to the grandfather. Probably thinking too much but something to look at. It was funny though; but the evil didn't interest me.  

I found it kind of odd that Putter Dave gave in so easily to Allison and Stevie. I think you can extract more comedy out of this scene.

Also, if they are in rush to get out, how do they have time to pruse over a journal? I was thinking that the journal can be read later in the grandfather's voice when Allison reads to Stevie. It's probably cliche. lol.  

Nevertheless, i got the whole gist of your scene: Allison incidentally prevented anyone from taking her grandfather's room.

Hope this helps anyway,
Gabe

Thanks Gabe.  'Reading it from a notepad in school' - that's funny.  I can see you're pretty busy so thanks again for taking a look.

You brought up a good point I'll touch on:

In regards to the journal, I think you might be right.  She does peruse through it pretty quickly before quoting a few of the more significant passages from all those entries.  I guess she could be a speed reader (lol).  You're idea about using her great grandfather's voice is a good suggestion.

-Mike

Hey Mike,

Got to read a couple more. I loved this part.

I still find it funny how Mac takes a pic and then goes to help Allison and Stevie. Lol.

I doubt priates say "yee-haw". Probably curse yeah, but not yee haw. That makes me wonder: why not have Putter Dave curse. And have Mac cover Allison and Stevie's ears as they watch Dave riding Boo. They have shocked expressions in seeing it. Dave's curse won't be heard but the kids would see him mouth the words. That would be funny. Similar to the Christmas Story. Just a thought.

Ill continue to read further.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  I look forward now to these reviews you keep sending me in little blocks.  I keep wondering if I should hold off and answer them all at once but what the hey.

I think the adventure aspect does pick up once they set out to sea so hopefully that will entice you to read further.  In this version Mac is a reporter so, of course, once Boo appears, his primary concern is taking a picture of it, not saving the kids.  However, I'm toying with the idea of making him a stow-away instead.  If that happens I'll probably eliminate that scene.

Good idea about having Putter Dave curse as well.  I'll lock that away in my memory.

-Mike

I always go out of my way to read one of your scripts MGJ cause I know you will do the same for me.

I have read every one of your feature scripts posted here and it is fantastic to see just how your writing has improved and improved again with each effort.

With this one you write like a pro. It felt like a movie, like you could just play it out in your mind as a movie.  I think the reason for this is just the tone the style you have written perfectly captures that vibe and essence in pretty much all kids movies.

Some great stand out moments in this one. When children pulled by monster there is lots of tension, danger, Mac rescue them after whip out camera and take a photo. Classic. Or when Dave just jumps on monster and takes it for a ride. Funny to is bit when they reunited with Dave on island and he is asking about his ship.

I really want to draw your attention to these little details cause I feel they are what really spice up a script or movie and make it all the more enjoyable. It is what makes a story come alive and so few writers who post their scripts here do it.

Now the only big problem I had was the dialogue. This was a drag.

The dialogue was way sophisticated for children.

I’ve got five nephews ranging from 4 to 14 and no way in the world they would speak the way your kids do in your script.

“That’s no insentive.”  Says Stevie after Alison warn him to do that or mum will “kill them”  that just feels wrong.

So to does Stevie saying: “I suggest you do as he says” during an intense life threatening situation.  That was just false.

The dialogue is just to formal and proper and I think this the one area you still need improving. Just need to loosen up a bit.

But in all in all this is another great script that enjoyed and can’t wait to see what you do next. I’m hoping you will return to animation again cause that seems to be where you work best.

PS: We both started posting our scripts about the same time on Simply Scripts and I notice you have knocked out five feature scripts while I’m still struggling to finish my third feature. I envy you.      

Hey Mike,

Glad to see you got the new draft up.  I can't recall the original draft detail-for-detail but I think you one-upped the aspects that I wasn't too keen on that come to mind.  

I'm just gonna get right into it; the final action sequence with Boo and whirlpool and escaping the cave had the same result from what I recall.  They didn't get the treasure, Boo was killed(assumed. Do whirlpools kill? I dunno), but Putter Dave walked away with the Starburst name plate as proof the wreck exists, thus verifying his sanity and his word and hence proving that the Maddens aren't insane, there's some sort of debris/treasure, and that probably Boo exists(even though there's no hard evidence at the end to show everyone, but suddenly Dave's word is good enough to believe in).  So at the end the REAL treasure was that the Maddens redeem their family name.  Basically, the TRUTH was their treasure.  It wasn't the gold, it wasn't bringing the body of Boo to land, it was just proving that their family isn't nuts.  It's a good message but I think I would have liked to see them walk away with at least a little more.  Maybe they stuff their pockets with gold while they're on the Starburst, forget about it, then when they get on land it's like OH!  Look what we got here!  Just a thought.

The characters were well done.  You do a good job of giving kid personalities to Alison and Stevie and their dialogue is fine as far as I'm concerned.  Putter Dave, he's a good guy, maybe could use a little more wackiness.  Mac I think you did the most work on(he was a reporter in the first draft, right?) and making him the bad guy on board was mostly a hit, sometimes a miss.  For example he's got the persona of a sneaky bad guy which was fine, but when he left the Maddens stranded on those rocks and sailed off with the Lola I was kind of ehhh.  I know he's not a saint by nature, but I thought he had shown a little good since stowing away on the ship, such as when he goes out to console Alison after Dave goes overboard.  Seemed like he had changed.  My second beef is that when he DID indeed change by going after Alison instead of the treasure while in the cave with Boo...that was only maybe a half hour later after he sailed off with the boat?  I guess Dave did save his life so that could make a person change pretty quickly, but you see what I'm saying here?  It's not bad, but maybe it could use a little more meat to those parts.  

Outside of that I once again found the story very enjoyable.  The mood and atmosphere of the small coastal town, the nautical aspects, the mysterious creature, treasure hunting, etc.  It works.  Good use of humor when Alison and Stevie were digging under the floorboards while their mom was showing around the new tenants and the wife was freaking out.  The story has a fine blend of adventure and comedy, though I'd still like to see/hear from some more Boo.  Of course, leaving your audience wanting more, maybe that's a good thing, but also maybe just a little more closure for Boo.  Maybe Putter's got a camera with him and toward the end he snaps a picture of Boo and for humor's sake, it looks exactly like that famous shot of Nessie and he shows it off to the town and everyone's like oooh!  Something small like that. I really liked Boo.  Everyone likes mysterious sea creatures.

There's something afoot about your format.  It looks like for your descriptions you entered before they reached the end of the line?  I think that added on about 12-15 pages.  Page 33 Stevie is referred to as Robbie.  Some other typos in and about but generally it was well written.  Some descriptions were being told rather than shown(i.e. deep down in there beats a hard of gold etc etc).  

So overall I like this story a lot and I stand by what I said in my PM to you a few weeks ago that you should look for some family oriented festivals to slip this into.  I think it's a gem of a clean adventure script and a pleasure to read.  Imaginative, funny, cool action, good characters...very nice job, Mike!  

-Greg

Hey Greg.

You're right, the biggest changes involved the Mac character.  Before he was just along for the ride.  Now his character has an arc and he learns something along the way.  I see though that you had a problem with his character seeming to flip-flop from bad guy to good guy.  

Just to give you my own thought process while writing - I wanted to establish him as a crook right off the hop.  He's just robbed a bank, is hiding out in this small coastal town when he learns about the legend and the treasure.  He stows away on board the ship but when Putter Dave is lost at sea, he suddenly finds himself in the role of protector of the two kids.  Once Putter does return - and this is where I think you're having the problem - he does have a sudden relapse and reverts back to his criminal ways.  He takes off now on his own in search of the treasure.  

I did try to show him conflicted at that point but perhaps the transition was too abrupt.  You've definitley given something to think about here.

I'm glad - if I interpret you correctly - that you feel the overall adventure aspect of the story is still there.  I had to sacrifice part of the shipwreck scene in this draft.  I needed the boat to remain intact so Mac could use it to take off in search of the treasure on his own.

One other thing of yours you mentioned - about them not ultimately getting the treasure in the end.  This is were the morality part of the tale comes in , I guess.  I thought, and still do for the most part, that it's important in a story for young people to have a message that there are more important things than gold.  The risk is that it can leave you less than satisfied.  Maybe it's tied up a little too neatly but I like your idea about the snapshot.  We'll see if I can incorporate that or something similar into it.

Thanks again for your review - you've given me alot to think about which is good.  Just let me know when your new draft is up.  

-Mike

Hey Mike,

To respond to some of your things, no, the adventure aspect wasn't sacrificed at all.  If I recall, the Lola was dangling off the rocks in the first draft while the crew escaped and then smashed down to the bottom.  Yeah, that bit of action was gone, but it didn't damage the adventure which is felt pretty much throughout.

I do like what you did with Mac's character and I understand your thoughts behind him.  I guess I just would have liked a tad more of HIS thought process to make his actions and changes more understanding to me.

Lastly, you're 100% right: This is targeted to a younger audience so your message at the end actually works.  That connection just slipped my mind while writing the review.  Still, I think a little something would have been nice for the kids at least, whether it be a piece of gold or a snapshot of Boo that looks exactly like Nessie.  I think that would be very funny ha-ha.  

But again, nice job.  Really enjoyed it.

-Greg