Good As Dead by Angel Orona - Action - An assassin in the Phillipines must track down his former partner, who is now leaving a trail of bodies all over Los Angeles as a serial killer. 92 pages - pdf, format

Hey, just finished you script, good stuff.
Few suggestions if you're interested:  I get it that Jade works for a large organization that has "resources" all over the world, but this could to be setup a bit more.  Just the first time we see his bosses you think its just a philipino crime group, and its a big jump from that to a organization that would have power in the united states.  So maybe just ass some kind of scene where jade gets orders/photos whatever from a contact that makes it clear that they have a far reaching span.

Also a little more setup for jades partner going all psycho druggy serial killer on us.  I guess this is something that could be done by the actor, but I might put a little in the script just so it doesn't seem so abrupt.

I think you could drop the priest scene off the end, I guess people want the reformd killer thing, but to me it kinda weakens the toughness in the rest of the story.

Also, this is personal taste thing, but I might take the goofiness of the violence back a touch, RE spinning around the stripper pole, getting shot in the kneecap and somehow walking again, etc.  I think the stories good enough for a slightly more serious take on the action, still leaving plenty of room for gore and all the good stuff.

Other than that I definately liked it, good original plot and characters.  Id see it

Hey Angel, I have a few suggestions for 'Good As Dead' Screenplay.

I think this is a spect script. You might want to keep the scene headings simple by using mostly DAY or NIGHT. Try to avoid the use of ings and lys in action lines. Example:  Until he hears a MALICIOUS SNARL.
Example:  Jade FIRES in a blind rage. (page 7)
If it's a spec there are too many camera directions. Leave them to a director.

On page 4: Leon and Mano (shrugs?) to each other.  Walk off.
Should they walk off screen? Or the cameraman? Try: They walk o.s.(off screen).

Way too many lys: viciously, disturbingly, quickly, absently, tensely, blindly, gaudily  and many more.

This is a GREAT action line discription: Her face is a road map of a harsh life.

Page 7: Lots of ings and lys. His (should be He's) sprawled across the floor like a...
I know that typos are sometimes hard to find. I'm sure you have won or too more in your script. Let's find them.

First glance at page 8 looks like Morse code. The amount of (...) is very distracting.
Also, watch the (wrileys). Use them sparingly.

When discribing main characters, you should include age. We don't find out how much older Mano is than Jade until page 9.
Page 9: Jade reacts.  How does he react? Suprised?

When getting past these distractions, Angel, it's evident this could be a very visually rich story. I think you should read/study many more produced scripts.

If you don't mind, I'll read more and get back to you with more of an overall view of the story/plot.

Hey Angel,

I love the turn of events on page 20 and the pace is impressive when Ceaser gets to Jade's home. Security box explodes "oops"--that's great! p.24"kneels and closes Lourdes' eyes" is repeated.

Love this line: sweat, smoke and sin poisin the air.

Great barfight--very visual.
Too many DOTS... ... ... ...

I love Anita. Perfect take no s%*t cop. Looks good too! The banter between her and the other detectives is funny...very good.

Seems like two people did this script. One told a very compelling, visual, action-packed story. The other typed it--neither one knows much about script formatting.

Bloody impressive ending fight. Let's hope Jade is forgiven.

Keep up the great storytelling, Angel. Read more scripts!

Quoted from ozone4 I know that typos are sometimes hard to find. I'm sure you have won or too more in your script. Let's find them. .

Ozone, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. "won or too more" Was this a slip-up? Or, are you pointing out Angel's error of usage in his script? There's a "lol" missing if so.

I mean no disrespect but there are some "English as a second language" members on the boards who may take this error in usage literally.

Libby.

Libby,

You're right, "lol" should be in there. I'll also remember the English as second language thingy too.

Thanks,

ozone