Solitary Force (formerly War Machine) by Abel Orfao - Action, Adventure - When a highly dangerous top-secret device is stolen by a criminal mastermind, the CIA drafts its most decorated and most disgraced agent out of prison. Pressed back into service and with a Presidential pardon offered as a reward, Ashley Stevenson sets out to recover the device by any means necessary. 94 pages - pdf, format

Thank you SimplyScripts for providing such a valuable resource for everyone interested in the art of screenwriting. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226083388/

Well, better late than never! A new draft of War Machine is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is above.

I've rewritten my action prose to make it leaner and I've also trimmed some of the dialogue. These changes have trimmed a total of twenty pages from the script without altering the story. Hopefully, this leaner and meaner screenplay will be more appealing. Now, if only I could convince someone to actually read it...

I'm up for a read Abelorfao

Hello, Lightfoot, and thanks for taking a look at my script. If you have a screenplay you want me to look at, just let me know.

No, problem. best way to learn this art is to read it's peices.

Currently I have no script up now that wouldn't be a waste of time for you, but I've just submitted a short titled Teddy Bears and Raindrops, I'm not sure when it will be up though.

One little thing I will add about the script now is it's synopsis, for the most part it's fine but in it you are revealing to me who the bad guy is without me having to read the first page, and when I eventually do get to the part where the bad guy is revealed I'm not going to be as surprised as I would've been.

Hello again, Lightfoot. I'll keep an eye out for your short and give you some feedback as soon as I can. Regarding the synopsis, I didn't think I was revealing any major secrets especially since the villain, the hero, and their history with one another are revealed fairly early in the script. Still, I'll consider revising it in the future.

I'm nearly done this script, so far the action is great and sustained, I will try and finish this asap, sorry I'm a slow reader.

Alright i finally found the time to sit down and finish this.

I don't usually like stories like this one, how one guy takes on everyone, but I enjoyed this. There was plently of action right from the start.

Error page 13 "RUSSEL" A machine vital to national security has been stolen, and we need to retrieve it yesterday..."

error page 20 "into the" repeated

This is just one of the small things that bothered me.

"the second truck veers off..." and "the second truck bursts into..." page 20, I think maybe consider joining these two action bits together.

helicopter scene i feel you have too much of "the white heli fires at counterpart" perhaps change this up a bit, and when Ashley first gets into the chopper i think you should say something, give a little description here of what is in the helicopter rather than all of a sudden there's a rocket launcher.

From this point on i didn't really have a problem with anything, only just the action seemed a bit much in some places. Usually taking up a page or half of one. If possible I suggest trimming it down, be much less difficult for the reader.


This was a good script in my mind,

Hello, Lightfoot, and thanks for taking the time to read my script. I'll take a moment to reply to your comments.

Russell telling Ashley they need to retrieve the device "yesterday" was intentional and was meant to underscore how important it was to get the device back as soon as possible.

Thanks for catching the double "into the" on page 20. I'll also look at tweaking the destruction of the second truck and see if I can make that section flow a little better.

Thanks for also pointing out the repetitive descriptions during the helicopter chase. I have a tendency to lapse back and reuse the same descriptions for similar actions. It's a crutch I need to rid myself of.

I'll go back and tweak the scene when Ashley boards the black helicopter to add the presence of the rifle and RPG launcher.

I'll see if I can condense some of the lengthier action prose. I do wonder, however, if the lengthy action descriptions are a side effect of condensing the dialogue and eliminating some one-line passages which broke up the action in my earlier draft.

Thanks again for reading my script, Lightfoot, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

If you have any others you'd like a read on, I'm all for it.

Thanks for the excellent review of my short!

While I know it's all about action here, the first 8 pages are blocks and blocks of text about how this or that gets blown up, shot, or killed. It's too much verbage. It does not make me want to read more.

Hello again, Lightfoot. I don't have any other scripts for you to read at the moment, but I plan on uploading a new horror script in a week or two. If you're interested, I can send you a PM once it's available.

Hello to you as well, cloroxmartini. I'm sorry my script didn't interest you, but I still thank you for taking a look at the first few pages at least.

"Whoop, whoop, whoop"? "Boom"? "Pop, pop, pop"? "Whoosh"? "Taka, taka, taka"? "Rat-a-tat-tat"? "Ding"? "Crash"? "Screech"? "Blam, blam, blam"? What are you, 4? I'm sorry for being so harsh, but seriously! You may have a good story, but if you submit this as it is now, I guarantee that the reader/agent won't even finish reading the first page!

Hello, wombat, and thanks for taking a look at the first few pages. When I first submitted scripts to the site, I was told my action prose wasn't exciting enough and that I should add some onomatopoetic words to spice up some of the more action-packed sequences. My independent research also recommends the use if this style to emphasize action. Did you feel the parts of the script you read featured an overuse of this technique or do you feel I should eliminate their use altogether?

Cool Abel,

I noticed how this was a second draft (i think), so they weren’t that many grammar mistakes but there still some things I want to touch on.

On a whole I liked it. From the start I got a feeling that it was going to be an action romp, which would not pay that much attention to story or plot. However, I was happily surprised when the story flowed and had a clear pot.

I felt the action scenes could be a bit intimidating, as they were really long and took up a lot of the pages.

I think it would do some good if you trimmed it down a bit, not too much though, but it may help some readers get into the script more (if you know what I mean).

Page 1 - "Whoop, whoop, whoop"? – I don’t think you should have started your script this way. Though I don’t mind this sort of action, it seems a bit childish and if I were a producer, it is unlikely I would carry on.

Page 6 – “Taka taka taka” – I don’t know, I didn’t like this description. I don’t think it was needed. The description after that was good enough.  

Page 2 – 8 – Having said that I enjoyed the action at the beginning. It may have been to long, but I didn’t mind that, as it was easy to read and I like action scripts.

During the helicopter scene you tended to repeat yourself during the action and it could have been easily trimmed down.

Page 59 - I don’t know if it is a written rule, but I was told you should never have a page full of action or full of dialogue.

I liked Ashley’s character, very determined and strong. He and Russel’s character worked well. “he seems highly resistant to the concept of reality.” I loved that line from Kenzo I think, it encapsulated Ashley’s whole character.

I thought Kenzo was a good bad guy, I liked his dialogue a lot.

There’s not too much else I can really comment on, sorry seeing as you did a lot of my script.

It was well written, with a good story. Sorry if I’m repeating myself but some of the action could benefit if you cut it down.

Good Job.

Good luck in the future with writing.

MG

Hello, Majorgeneral316, and thanks for reading my script so quickly. I'll respond to your feedback below.

If you thought the action scenes were too lengthy, be thankful you didn't read the earlier draft. This draft actually cut down on the wordiness to the tune of twenty pages or so. I think the reason the action scenes seem so wordy is a consequence of my editing.

The first draft included several one-liners which broke up the action. During the editing process, I streamlined the dialogue and eliminated most of these single lines. Still, I'll look at them and see what I can do.

As I wrote earlier in the thread, I have a tendency to lapse and use the same words and phrases. This is most apparent during the helicopter chase. I'll definitely go back and rewrite this section.

When it comes to the use of sound effects... Oh, well. I tried something and it didn't work. That's the great thing about this board. We can try different things and figure out what works and what doesn't.

I still think a few of the sound effects do enhance the script (such as the Crack! when Ashley headbutts Kenzo in the face and kicks off his escape from the compound) but I can easily lose most of them.

Thanks again for reading my script, Majorgeneral316, and I appreciate your thoughts.

Hey Abel, what up, man?  I don’t have time to read this entire script, but I’ve seen some posts back and forth and thought I’d chime in real fast on your first couple pages, to see if I could help at all.

I see a lot about your sound effects you used.  I think it’s one of those things where people are going to like it or hate it. I also think it’s one of those things where the old saying, “moderation in all things” comes into play.

Let’s look at the first couple pages and see what we can see.

Page 1 – You open up with sound effects, which probably isn’t the best idea.  Because it’s the first thing we read, it’s in our heads now and for those that don’t like it, every time you do it again, it’s going to stick out again.   I think it’s the kind of thing you want to ease into, and not throw it in our faces right off the bat.

This opening passage is interesting, because you say this black helicopter “appears” and then immediately “lands” on an “isolated” building ‘s roof.  Then, your very next sentence states that 12 Security Guards gather around it.  Where did they come from?  I thought it was isolated?  OK…you know what I mean?  This is very confusing and not the way you want to start things out.

Your next passage isn’t any better…actually worse, IMO.  You use the phrase “dark suit” twice, to describe 3 characters.  Then you have “two more men”, and “two other men”.  It just doesn’t read well here at all, and feels so repetitious, even though we’re only on the 2nd paragraph.

OK, so then we get 3 intros and they head to a nearby “staircase”?  A staircase?  They’re on the roof of a building.  What kind of staircase are they headed towards?  Very hard to visualize this opening scene.

Now we’re in a lab.  Does is matter that it’s on the 2nd story?  Will we know this if we were merely watching a filmed version?  You use the word “large” twice in this passage.  You also intro another 18 characters!  So, we‘ve now got 21 people in this lab.

Next passage - Why does it take 6 men in lab coats to place the object in the briefcase?  You use “briefcase” twice in this passage and “case” once, which is in reference to the briefcase again. Just too much repetition going on over and over again.

Back to the roof…look at how many times you use the phrases “men in dark suits” and “security guards” in this scene.  It’s these kind of things that stick out like sore thumbs.  You’ve got to find a way around this, cause it’s just not what anyone wants to read over and over.  Also, look how many sound effects you have in this scene.  Just too much, and most of it is worded awkwardly and repetitiously.

Look how you have “mounted on the” twice, right on top of each other.  You think that doesn’t stand out?  It does…it definitely does.
OK, gotta stop there. But I think these are some things to think about.  Actually, I like what you’re setting up here with this opening, but I don’t like the way it’s written.  You’re using way too much description.  If this is indeed an intro, just get through it, and kill all these people off.  Stay away from using exact phrases again and again.  Come up with different words, etc.

As for the sound effects, I think it’s definitely a case of way too much right out of the shoot.  Just tone it down a bit, and probably give them their own line when you use them.  You’re obviously drawing our attention to them, so give them their own line…they may come across better by doing this.

Hope this helps a bit, Abel.  Keep at it, bud!  Late.

Hello again, Dreamscale. It's always nice to get your imput.

As I've mentioned before, my biggest problem is the repetition of words and phrases. I also need to do a better job on transferring the images I have in mind onto the written page.

I hope to start work on a new draft in a month or two, so the feedback I've received over the past few days has been very helpful.

" I also need to do a better job on transferring the images I have in mind onto the written page"

I have this same problem, abelorfao. What I tend to do is write it out no matter how crapy it is, I don't like the thought of halting everything up or taking my time just to try and make it perfect, instead I just let it flow as it is then after I finish I go back to page one and start tightening up dialogue and action, making sure to jot down, in bold, any problems or loose ends in the storyline for a later time.

As for the horror script you have coming up, yeah pm me when it's up.

I would agree to out down on the onomatilomasd words.  Maybe sprinkled here and there when really called for, but not every page.  
Some of the Dialogue is a little cheesy, specially from the villains.  I would focus less on making it real clever and more just natural for the people.
Also, more personal opinion but I think you've passed the saturation point with action where it becomes repetitive and actually slows the story down.  I'm sure there were people that would enjoy this, but without a little more variation it gets old.  

Very action filled but I got the feeling like I was getting more of the same. I was glad to read a change in tempo when Noah pretty much took Joey under his wing. The only thing I would suggest is using more pronouns, more "he did this" and "she did that" in your action and detail paragraphs because it seems just about every time someone does anything you Mention his or her name. Most times, it's already made clear whom it is you're referring too.

The "they exchange looks thing" and give him one of those "what the fuck looks" are too vague. That runs along the line of telling instead of showing. A quick description of what Noah's face or Joey's face, Jack or whoever's face is doing would suffice and save a little room in the paragraphs.

Other than that, I felt you had very strong dialogue. I could have read only that and knew exactly what was happening. Kudos to that.

Thanks for the read,
~Brandon~

A new draft of War Machine is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts. The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226083388/

This draft is a minor update, mainly consisting of removing the use of onomatopoeic words and some changes to fix some mistakes and clarify some of the scenes. Hopefully, this means the script can now be read without the compulsion to bang ones head against a desk repeatedly.

My latest draft of the newly titled Solitary Force is now online. (Thanks to the success of the Iron Man films, I've decided to retire the War Machine title. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a better one so Solitary Force will have to do.)

The main focus of this draft was to condense and simplify my action prose. I've managed to cut around 2,500 words -- about 15 percent -- from my descriptive paragraphs. I've also added some brief snippets of dialogue here and there in order to break up the action passages and increase readability.

I haven't read any past drafts, but it would appear that you have taken some points from previous readers. That's a good thing. The script starts off with a fast-paced opening. The action is nicely paced. In draws me in. The opening of the script in this draft is well done.

At first I was a little worried with the banter between Corrine and Bryce. They come off as eccentric and cute. I don't mind some one-liner coffin humor now and then, but there does come a time to know when to say when, so to speak. As such, some of what they do and say doesn't make sense. On p7, Bryce takes a gun and aims it at Paulson. Corrine kicks the gun out of  his hand, then beats up Paulson and breaks his neck.

Quoted Text BRYCE Was that really necessary? CORRINE Shoot First, recite bad poetry later

To me, the scene plays much better if they both shut up, Corrine does not kick the gun out of her partner's hand. In the past few pages we have seen Paulson get shot at, chased and nearly blown up. Consider this: Bryce takes out his pistol, ready to shoot. Corrine steps in front of him and/or gets him to lower the gun. Then she breaks Paulson's neck.

KENZO arrives. As I read about the boltcutters which he gets after he leaves the car and approches Paulson's body - was that under his coat or something? If so, why boltcutters?
How about -and this is only a suggestion-the more obvious choice, a shiny katana? Raises sword. Swoop. Cuts off hand at wrist.

On p2 I probably would either have a GUARD say "I don't know" or drop the line. I don't like "MAN IN BLACK SUIT #1 and #2" it looks odd.

XANDER's line ("I want it m-f!") on p4 isn't needed. He's already shot and killed Greer when he says it. It's also clear that "they" want it and would kill to get it.

But other than those concerns, the opening of the script is really good.
I like the introduction to ASHLEY STEVENSON.I don't like the name How about Steven Ash or Ash Stevenson? It isn't that we had a character named PaulSON, it's because "his name" is ASHLEY. We don't see any other inmates. When we hear the name, what is the most likely assumption? I'm expecting a woman, know what i mean? I'm thinking Gina Carano or an Anjelina Jolie right out of Wanted or Salt. Then comes the surprise. Ashley's a dude.

The entire flashback scene is nicely written as well, but also problematic by a storytelling standpoint. Aside from showing me that Corrine has a repeated habit of knocking around Bryce before he shoots someone (or might shoot someone), the only plus is that Ash and  Kenzo's hit squad has crossed paths before. But all that could be summed up in a sentence. Which it is before the flashback. What's wrong with the flashback? It has no suspense in it and contradicts some of the opening:

• Corrine's tooth had been knocked out shortly before they captured Ash. When we first see her, there is no visual indication that she is missing a tooth. It's possible a life of crime and terror may have fixed the problem with a denture . (Indeed, this appears to be the case, on p53)
  
• Likewise, Xander is shot in the leg and has no limp when we first see him. It again is possible that bad guys can get patched up over time.
  
• The bad guys still bicker with each other.
  
• We know the bad guys in this scene won't be killed. We know Ash can't be in any danger (He at least lives long enough to be in jail). We know that his partner is dead, as it was mentioned before the flashback. It's like X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Nice film to watch, but being a prequel where we know that four characters have to live to fight another day, takes the suspense out of the action.
  
• Does the event here have anything to do with the threat at hand? Not really. It was a past mission.
  
  

What this does, in effect, is stop the pace dead cold.

Script picks up again, issues are raised: who set up Ash? (Telegraphed early, it's too OTN to miss) But I just want to get to Ash finding Kinzo and co. The attack on the warehouse is alright, but I find myself keeping track of WAREHOUSE HENCHMAN and WAREHOUSE GUARDS #1 through #6. Even you get confused (see p36 with "the latter and the former") It's tough knowing who's who among the AIRPORT HENCHMEN as well (49-51) The same six STATION HENCHMEN are killed twice (p69) .

The Corrine-Ash fight. It's clear that you're putting in varied moves and strikes. However, there is only so many times where you can write 'hits' 'strikes' 'kicks' 'flurry'' punches' and so on. (Again, it's a bit oddball for me because of "Ashley"'s name) But the problem here is, with the repetition with a series of words, it gets stale. You don't need to give a blow by blow ringside commentary. If you can find other words with the same meaning from time to time that could also help. The same goes for the Ash-Xander knife fight on p72

As the script progressed, I noted that the eccentric bad guys go out one by one - by 73 all of Kinzo's strike force are dead (and before Xander buys it, he asks the same questions Bryce did, more or less "They are all dead?" or something to that effect) it soon becomes clear that
The script follows a repeated formula: Ash hunts down Kinzo. Kinzo always gets away. But Ash takes out a ton of Russian (!) mercenaries and at least one (sub) boss. It's almost like a video game.

It isn't exactly clear who set up Ash to begin with. Instead of being a person, it is the system itself. Yancy certainly didn't do it alone. (although, like I said, she's telegraphed a bit early, since she's the only one who seems to want to keep Ash locked up AND she abuses her authority.

I was hoping that someone was held hostage, or that the stolen goods from Palson have more of an effect on the story. It doesn't. There's the bad guys. Get your revenge. Wash, rinse, repeat.

That all said, if this is still the way you want to go, with a little work (and a name or gender change) this could be alright for (and don't take it the wrong way) something like "xXx" or "The Marine" flicks with John Cena and Ted DiBiase. The over the top action and the eccentric bad guys seem to fit those molds.

Or you can make them a bit more hardcore, a bit more threatening.
Just a thought.

-DjS

Hello, DarrenJamesSeeley. Thanks for reading my script and for your honest feedback. I'll reply to some of your points and try to explain what I was trying to accomplish with this script.

The basic goal of this script was to write a Cannon Films/Joel Silver-style 1980's over-the-top action film. You have a rugged hero, a flamboyant villain, an assortment of henchmen, countless gunfire, and as many gratuitous explosions one can fit in ninety minutes of film.

This style shows itself in the way Ashley goes through each "mini-boss" in turn on his way to Kenzo, much like John Matrix went through a series of foes on his way to confront Bennett in 1985's Commando.

I gave Ashley that particular name because, in a genre where practically every hero is named John or some other masculine-sounding name, I wanted the tough-guy protagonist of this film to have the least threatening name as possible. The introduction sequence, in fact, was specifically written in such a way as to keep Ashley's gender obscured for as long as I could.

The actions and banter Kenzo and his crew display during the opening sequence were an attempt to quickly establish their personality traits.

The flashback sequence was written to give Ashley a reason to undertake the mission, establish the history Ashley has with Kenzo and the others, display Ashley's action-hero credentials, and to throw in a gratuitous action sequence.

Thank you once again for reading my script, DarrenJamesSeeley, and I appreciate your feedback.

Quoted from abelorfao I gave Ashley that particular name because, in a genre where practically every hero is named John or some other masculine-sounding name, I wanted the tough-guy protagonist of this film to have the least threatening name as possible. The introduction sequence, in fact, was specifically written in such a way as to keep Ashley's gender obscured for as long as I could.

It's not the most perfect film ever made, but remember Cobra with Stallone back in '86? They didn't give up his first name until just before the third act, where "Marion" was played as a macho joke. The other characters never refer to him by that name but once- and that being the joke.

Also, since you mention 'Commando'- yes, John Matrix did eliminate the "sub-bosses". But keep in mind:
- There was a ticking clock.

- He had to save his kidnapped daughter

- He didn't have the big body count until the climax of the film.

- The bad guys didn't have cheeseball lines. Sali had a smart mouth and was slime (and Sali was his last name) . One guy thought he could take Matrix, and-- there were no more sub bosses until he got to Bennett.

Abel, I don't know if you still check this thread, but I thought I'd let you know that I had a lot of fun reading your script.  I love these types of action movies, and yours was really well-written.  My one complaint is that the final show-off was, to quote Kenzo, a bit anticlimactic.  Maybe you could fix this by giving Kenzo a "dragon" - the toughest, most formidable henchman.  Then you could have a fight between him and Ashley where you pull out all the action stops.  Other than that, it was a cool script, and I found myself wondering about a possible sequel at the end.