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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Mayan Star Moderators: bert
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Hi Botto, thank you for explaining your intentions. I was slapping myself for not getting the finer points of the story (e.g. heat-detecting torpedoes) and the ending.

I thought John can walk is because of the operation. What leads me to this conclusion is John thanking Matt for the operation money before John talks about the Mayan Star. I suggest cutting out the first part that speech so that we can focus mainly on the Star's "secret".

I totally missed Megan's healed vision is a revelation because I actually forgot that she's blind! And that's part of my fault. We know about her blindness mainly via dialogue from another character, but I cannot recall Megan doing anything that implies she's blind. Since her blindness is an integral part of the twist, I suggest giving her some action that blind people usually do. But I guess if this is played on screen, her blindness would be more obvious. I agreed with you that Megan should be kept in the script.

About Rick and Kylie at the end, why would Rick allow Kylie to be in his car when Kylie is  both a robot and an enemy? At first, I don't get the intention of the scene, but now that Kylie is trying to kill Rick, maybe showing Kylie clutching a weapon would make her intention more clear.


I really want to read another draft of this story.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Botto
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Coding, I've pm'd you about your latest well conceived suggestions. Thanks, Botto.
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Page 2 - .... Both divers invert and disappear... (you have disappears)

First headline on page 3 - Int. underwater (-) galley - day

I think you can use a better wryly than "yells" how about angrily or frustratedly?

I think that "OK what to do" was meant for dialogue, but i don't think you need it. It's kind of obvious what he needs to do next.

Page 10

LEVINSON
There's no other way of telling
you this...Your son tore a his
spinal chord....

PAGE 11 I think voice over should be in brackets (V.O)

          URI
   (Barks)
Replay. Replay now!

The wryly should be above the dialogue not at the starting of it.

I liked that moment where Kylie walks into the men's bathroom and the line she said to the flasher guy. i got a good laugh out of that.

Forgot room and the end of the sentence on pg 22

error pg 24 MAN KYLIE
My owner paid off one of one of
the transport crew

One thing I don't quite understand, why did Ken choose to wait one year to send the message?

So far I am on page 28 and am looking forward to finishing this when I can, sorry it took so long for me to respond.
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Botto
Posted: August 28th, 2009, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Lightfoot. The corrections will help the next draft. Well done and keep reading!
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