Enter by Barry Haims (dreamer) - Adventure - A woman inherits an old house and discovers a time machine, a new life, a family, and love. 96 pages - doc, format

Your logline is way too long. It has to be shortened. It looks like you are telling most of the story in the logline, which is not a good thing.

You have good formatting, but I noticed that some of your sentences do not start out in capitals. I am sure you did not do this on purpose. It should be fixed that so people don't get confused with what is going on. One thing I really like is the fact that the plot is found in the beginning and not too far off in the middle. I can't stand scripts where the actual plot starts off in the middle and nothing happens in the beginning.

What in the world are those "things" at the last page of the script? I have never seen anything like that in other scripts and would remove it so that it is better.

Hello usaking,..Thank you for your remarks and advice. I had some learning curve moments when first posting this rough draft a few months ago. Since, it has been streamlined to 92 pages, with many additions, cuts, and a new and better ending. She is leaner, funnier, and faster now. And daily getting a tweak and a polish.

I, too, appreciate an early plot opening, thanks. I like to have some idea where we are going within the first 10-15 minutes or so, but with the right dosage of mystery and suspense.

Any advice on character and plot improvements?

Hey enter

I'm willing to give this a read if you're still around?

Hello Lightfoot,..Thank you for your interest..I have sent you the latest draft. Let me know if you received it....Barry

yep, i got it, I'll read it over and send you my thoughts asap.

Great. Any suggestions will be more than appreciated.

Well I love the story idea and I think it will be a good script once the problems are sorted out. Like usaking said, it's great that the story kicks off roughly where it should.  The following is meant to be constructive criticism, so I hope you don't take it personally.

Page 1 - The first scene I kind of like, don't have a problem with it. But the second one is where the problems start to pop up. First of your scene heading.  Just keep it simple EXT.  RESIDENTIAL ROAD – DAY, cut both the 1912 and Sepia turns to color.  

You can add the 1912 as a SUPER below the scene heading.  I suggest cutting out all these camera directions too, they are a bit annoying and break up the flow of the story.  They should only be present in a shooting script not a first draft.  

Writer’s who try to write a story and direct the camera usually end up with not as much of a story.

The bit of action after the policeman’s dialogue can use a bit of work.  It’s good up until the wall part. Might be better as…

“Sarah rushes up to a tall brick wall and jumps, her body slams into the cold bricks and ricochets to the ground. Regaining her balance she tosses the bags over and with one last hopeful jump manages to get a grip.

Both policemen run up to the wall and reach out for Sarah.  She quickly pulls herself over the wall just in time, ripping her dress in the process. “

You’re action seems to be rushed

“1900 decor. President Taft’s picture. Sarah lifts the Persian rug, opens the CREAKING TRAPDOOR, and descends. TRAPDOOR CREAKS shut. The rug doesn’t lie perfectly.”
You can cut the 1900 décor and the picture, the only thing important here are the rug and the trap door.  Unless this scene takes place in other parts.

EDITED V.  “ Sarah rushes over to a old Persian rug placed in the center of the room. She kicks one end up, revealing a trapdoor.  Slowly it CREAKS open as she pulls on the handle.

She hops into the opening and closes the trapdoor. The rug remains ruffled”

Something like this. Your dialogue is good, you just need write it in a way that it reads smoothly.

INT. SARAH’S HOUSE (MAUI) - DAY (PRESENT DAY)
You can cut both words in brackets, they are not needed.  Instead, if the location is really important in here, then when you mention the window, tell us about the scenery. Palm trees, tropical paradise, stuff like that so we can get a sense of where we are.

Again the action has some unnecessary detail in it, and it’s kind of confusing.  The Buddha statue can be cut because it doesn’t have and importance in the scene and what is a picture window? You can keep it simply as window.

When I read this I get the feeling that you want to set up the catalyst all too quickly. But in order for this to work the way you want it, we first have to understand the main character’s life. As it is now, we don’t. In the first two pages there are 7 scenes. The plane scene can be cut, it’s not needed at all.

Everything seems to happen spontaneously, the birthday, Charlie going off to Italy and telling his mother about it the day before. This doesn’t really give a sense of realism.

Okay I think I got this figured out, is the first few scenes a foreshadowing of some sort? Like in those scenes does Sarah already have the computer and stuff?

If so I suggest you cut all scenes up until the one where she is in her house. Start at the starting, use the first pages to tell us about Sarah, who she is and how she lives.  

So if I understand your idea….

I would show Sarah as she is, a hippie, maybe living in a trailer or a vehicle. Maybe she tours around in a van or something because that’s all she has.  Show that she is comfortable with her life and that she really has no room or intention to improve it.  This will be the balance for her, life to her is normal so we’ll toss in the catalyst.  This will be the phone call or realization that she has a house that she owns.  This can happen by a relative dying or something like this. Then it moves one to the big event, the main thing that causes the rest of the movie. In this case it's when Sarah gets sucked into the computer for the first time

I've only read up to page 20, the action you have needs to be improved, it's tough trying to ge into the story when it's broken up with camera actions or commas'

Another example.

Page 6 "Liz, in a bathrobe, sits on bed and lights a joint. House trust envelope next to Sarah. Daria sleeps. Buddha statue."

The main point in this scene is the house trust envelope, so there's is no need to mention Daria or the Buddha statue. So.....

"Liz sits comfortably on the bed in her bathrobe with a joint clamped between her lips, she struggles to light a lighter.

Sarah, seated right next to her, tosses down the house trust papers in frustration."

It's not perfect but it's reads smoothe

Please read the 92 page draft I sent you. It has months of improvements over the 116 page version posted on SimplyScripts.

Yes, I have to agree your approach to the action descriptions is an improvement.

Thank you for your suggestions , and will use them.

The draft up now, is the newest upgraded improved version. My WORD template has some quirks of incorrect format white spaces and underlining, please disregard.

enjoy the ride,...enter