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Age of Superheroes by Matthew Nsubuga (majorgeneral316) - Action, Sci Fi - After witnessing the death of a team of superheroes in a dream, a veteren cop must use his experience to bring together, the superheroes, to stop his precognition from becoming true. Whilst being chased by his power obsessed partner who's goal is to take over the police department by any means possible. 123 pages - pdf, format
If you can find someone to proofread for you, it would help. It is impossible to proofread their own work. There were, for me, some problems with the story line. There is a scene where two men are in the frozen food section of a store, and yet one of them talks at length about a can of corned beef. Where did he get the can of corned beef? Not in the frozen food section. Then why did you put them there? Then he goes on about not knowing how to open the can! What moron doesn’t know how to open a can of food? I ended up thinking that perhaps you were having the man do a stand-up routine, like a Seinfeld bit, but no body laughs, it’s all played straight. Ok, perhaps he is a time traveler and has never encountered a tin can, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I have to ask, why was this scene included, how does it further the story? The first time we are introduced to Fredericks home life, except for a bad dream, all is normal. The next time the home life come up he gets home late and his wife refuses to let him in. Why? Does Frederick have a history of running around with other women? Does he have a drinking problem? We don’t know, and you don’t tell us. The only thing a reader can take from the scene is that the wife is crazy, as, in my experience, no wife behaves like this. In the next scene at the home, the wife has replaced the locks! Why? How can a relationship go from normal to ruin over the husband coming home late once? More important, why were these scenes included in the script, how do they move the story along, what were they meant to tell the viewer of the film? You have the two characters with super human powers, but you don’t tell us when they got those powers, or how. Jason seems to burst into flame in an emotional reaction to his cousin being shot to death, and in the process kills not only his killers, but also the innocent bystanders, as well as burning the place down. Then in the ambulance he shows no remorse. Frederick, for his part, doesn’t react as I would hope a police officer would react, but instead helps the mass murder escape. What is also surprising is that no one knows Jason has this power, and yet Jason doesn’t seem at all surprised by what has happened. The same can be said about the character Rubble. From his name we can assume that he has had this power for some time, still, no one, including his mother, knows about it. Why? I read about fifty pages, if the story had been engaging I would have read to the end. I think you have tried hard to add drama to the script, but that is done through dialogue and situation. I have no idea what a “small silence” is. There is either silence or sound. I would concentrate more on the story telling, and let the story provide the drama.
Thanks for reading 50 pages and giving me some feedback.
The problem with superhero team movies is that you may have five characters in the team of superheroes and you have explain each of their origin and each of their characters.
With the corn beef, It is a mistake but I think it can be let go. After Jonny places down the corn beef, in the action it is explained they walk down the aisle. Maybe further down the aisle they came to the food section. I can see why it could be a big deal, but it can be overlooked and easily cleaned up. The point of the whole scene was so that you felt something when Jonny died. And also to show a bit of Jason's power and how it comes about. As for the dialogue, people argue over way more stupid stuff, you telling me you have never had an argument about petty things.
As for Frederick, you see from the start he is troubled when he explains his troubles to his physicatrist and the phyciatrist warns him how it can effect his family. Just because two people are sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean they have a good relationship. The status of their relationship is discussed by Fred and Jerry. Maybe I should of added a scene to clarify, I would admit that.
What I was trying to put across in the first 50 pages is that Frederick's mind has become fixated on bring these superheroes together. He believes it is his destiny, and the only way to stop the disaster which is coming. He believes Jason and Michael aren't evil, but have been forced into those situations and he feels he is the only person who can save them. I'm sorry I didnt put it through or you didnt understant it from my script.
I took the decision not to show how all the superheroes gained their powers as it would have held up story. I only showed Jason as he was the main character and going through the most change in the story. I'll have a look at that.
A small silence basically means no one speaks for a bit.
If you read on you would have seen the story open up and you would discovered the other superheroes.
Thanks a lot for the read, and thanks for the post, seeing as this is your second one, I really appreciate it.
The premise has definitely stirred my interest, but i have a few problems with it. The first being a small error in grammar, "veteran" the second being the superheroes in commas. This isn't that serious but I don't think it's needed, and the last one is the entire bit about the cops partner. This would be better as a little surpise for us, you should only tell us the main point of the story, not other things that happen in it. The beginning, on it's own, is perfect for a premise.
I'd would cut that "Age of Superheroes" just focus on the story and don't worry about illistrations. They give the script an amateur look.
" INT. CITY STREET - DAY" ...is how it should look, no need to double up the dashes. "...who the person clutched to the ground IS." Who's the person clutched to the ground sounds more like a question.
I was a bit lost during the hurricane part, why not just describe the wind and the hurricane forming in the sky? "It stands behind him" is just a strange way to describe it. "He takes a GLANCE at the girl, then turns and runs. Anywhere" cut anywhere, you're the writer, you have to control where he goes. "He glances at the girl briefly before turning and running down the street. Gargbage and dust are tossed around by the wind." Give us some images of what the storm is doing too.
How can we see that he FEELS the hot burn on his neck? If this has no point to it or doesn't result in something later on then I suggest you cut it. If it does, find a way to SHOW us, have him rub his neck or something. "He’s a couple of seconds in front of the storm now. He has picked up speed." You can cut this entirely, we already know he's not in the storm yet.
He regains his footing will be better than retaking his feet. Actually it would be better if he sustained some type of injury that will prevent him from getting up. This way he would have a reason to ask for help.
There are no descriptions for Vanessa or Robert
Page 9 "He steps out OF the car
you say the door is thumping with rain, it would be better to tell us that it's raining at the beginning of the scene before.
INT. CAR - DAY
Frederick looks at a white piece of paper DISTURBED. Then looks outside his car window.
Raindrops distort his view of a rusty old door. A loose sign above it with the number "33" hangs loosely by one nail.
At the beginning of page 10 you call it Ronald's house but you call the man in the description Robert, then move back to Ronald.
beer not bear (two spots) page 11
You should specify on where the lab is, is it part of Ronald's house or did they drive somewhere?
So far I am page 15, I'll finish the rest when I can.
and about that whole scene where Freferick gets kicked out, it's all fine. The only thing I would change is (If she was sick of his dreams) have a little arguement with them when Frederick is awake.
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Why? Does Frederick have a history of running around with other women? Does he have a drinking problem? We don’t know, and you don’t tell us. The only thing a reader can take from the scene is that the wife is crazy, as, in my experience, no wife behaves like this. In the next scene at the home, the wife has replaced the locks! Why? How can a relationship go from normal to ruin over the husband coming home late once? More important, why were these scenes included in the script, how do they move the story along, what were they meant to tell the viewer of the film? [quote]
If he had a drinking problem or other women we would've been shown this. The reason he got locked out is maybe because she SUSPECTED him of cheating.
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[/quote] The only thing a reader can take from the scene is that the wife is crazy, as, in my experience, no wife behaves like this." [quote]
Movies and real life are two different things. In my experience cars don't fly but in movies they can. Just because you haven't "experienced" this doesn't mean they can't be.
I only read the first 25 pages, and although it does need some work with the pace and dialogue, and obviously grammer , it is a GREAT movie! If I saw the preview for this, I would DEFINITELY see it. I mean it screams blockbuster. (But I only read the first few pages so we'll see about the rest)
I actually finished a script about a man fighting with Spontaneous combustion. And he's a black guy, and I thought it funny to see your character Jason.
Man, I'm telling you, fix up the script and you got yourself something. Take your time on it too, don't rush it cause so far it's good. I'm going to read the rest of it when I get home and give you some real feedback. Keep it up.
I started reading it, I didn't finish because I was also reading 2 other scripts at the same time and finishing a novel. But from what I read I can tell that you were focused more on the superhero thing and not putting thought into the characters back ground, it just seemed a little empty. And I also didn't like reading the actions, it probably had something to do with how you describe things, but over all it was the dialouge that turned me off, you would start a conversation and skip through it and some of them didn't make much sense, to me.
I don't want to trash your script, don't think I hate it either, because it takes alot for me to finish reading a feature... The concept of the story is good, though.
Hello, Majorgeneral316, I've just read your script and I'll post my thoughts below.
First, I'll focus on the story. The good news is you have a very interesting and quite compelling idea for a superhero epic. Unfortunately, in my humble opinion, the layout of the story could use some major improvements.
My main criticism, as odd as it sounds when talking about a 122-page script, is how several important sequences seemed way too rushed. For example, we've only known Frederick for a few minutes when he sets off on his calling. I think a slower build where we get to know him and gradually learn about the quest would work better.
Furthermore, Frederick's conversation with Jason comes across too quickly and sounds rather forced. One moment Frederick's asking about the case, the next moment he's talking about his dreams and his destiny while Jason doesn't bat an eye. I think the scene would work better if Frederick gradually broached the subject of Jason's powers.
Likewise, the sequence where Mark and his powers are introduced goes by way too fast. We learn of Robert's project, discover Mark and the clones, and watch Mark's escape from the lab unfold over the course of just five pages -- much of which was idle banter between Robert and Nathan.
I had the same feeling during Frederick's confrontation with Michael. The pair exchanges a few brief lines of banter before Michael seems willing to join Frederick on his mission. Furthermore, Michael and Jason don't seem to hold any ill will toward each other even though they almost killed one another a moment earlier.
The harried pace continued when Jerry asked Mark to kill Frederick, Jason, and Michael out of the blue. I guess I could buy Jerry believing Jason and Michael have to be stopped by any means necessary, but the reason he wanted his partner dead as well was left unsaid. Far from being an exciting twist, this plot point seemed to come out of left field.
This occurs once more when Frederick confronts Alexa at the hotel. Frederick bursts into her hotel room, speaks with her briefly, and convinces her to join him. Later, Alex goes from trying to kill Frederick and Michael to joining the crew based on a few words from his sister.
I also think the screenplay could be trimmed down significantly without affecting the plot simply by economizing the dialogue. There's nothing wrong with taking the time to establish characters and delve into their traits and personalities, but I think you could accomplish this goal and still cut down on the numerous and lengthy character scenes and dialogue passages.
There are a few other story points you may want to address. I know you wanted to kick things off with an exciting scene, but I think the nightmare sequence was a little too esoteric and seemed like an unusual way to begin the story.
I found it rather odd Frederick would need to get his brain scanned for images of the characters in his dream. The brain scanning scene seems to be a transparent way to add something cool in the story just for the sake of adding something cool. Furthermore, we later learn Frederick is a police officer. Couldn't he just call in a favor from a police sketch artist and use the resources at his disposal to find out who he is dreaming about?
When it comes to the nuts and bolts of the script, as mean as this may sound, I decided not to point out all of the spelling and grammar mistakes this time because your script was littered with them. In fact, the very first word of the screenplay proper, "Its," should be "It's." I would strongly suggest you do a better job of proofreading your material or have someone else to go over the script with a fine-tooth comb for you.
You also need to watch out for clumsy and redundant phrasing during the action prose. For example, take this line on Page 3: "He leaves the room and walks into the next room next to it." Not only have you used the word "room" twice, which is awkward in itself, but you redundantly state the "next room" is "next to [this room]."
I also noticed you had several characters whose names all began with the same letter and were often introduced in quick succession. There's a Robert and a Ronald, a Jason and a Jonny and a Jerry, a Mark and a Michael and a Miranda, and an Alexa and an Alex. You may want to avoid this as I've often found readers will often confuse characters with alliterative names.
A trick I like to use is to create three alphabet charts -- one for male names, one for female names, and one for surnames. When assigning names, I make sure the major characters in the story never share names beginning with the same letter. When it comes to all characters in the story, I make sure no two male names, no two female names, and no two distinct surnames share the same first letter.
I'll post the things which stuck in my craw as I read your script.
Page 1: Frederick is listed as 53 but is described as someone who is "quite old" and "in great shape for an old man." I realize he's not a spring chicken, but I wouldn't describe someone in his early fifties as quite old or as an old man. Did you mean for him to be ten or twenty years older?
Page 2: Unless the street is close to the water, the storm would be a tornado and not a hurricane. I would rewrite the section where you describe someone inside the storm. Why say we see him when you can say Frederick sees him? I would also remove the part where you say Frederick runs "anywhere" as it is too ambiguous. If you don't have a specific destination in mind, you can say he turns and runs down the street away from the storm. You should reword the section where Frederick "feels a burn" on his neck. Remember, write what we can see. For example, you can say Frederick yelps in pain as a blue spark shoots down from the sky and burns his neck.
Page 3: I don't think you need a parenthetical where Frederick talks to Man #2 as they're the only two people on the scene at the moment. This may be a personal opinion, but I've always felt the "jump up in bed and awaken from a nightmare" trope is overly dramatic and unrealistic. You may want to think of a subtler reaction, such as having Frederick's eyes dart open at first and having him slowly sit up in bed with his head in his hands as he breathes heavily. Vanessa's character isn't properly introduced via the action prose nor is she given any description. You should also introduce and describe Frederick's daughter.
Page 4: I would introduce Dr. Lieberman in the action prose before he speaks, although you could save his description for his first appearance on screen a moment later. "5th night in a row" should read "Fifth night in a row." The way Lieberman says he is Frederick's psychiatrist comes across rather awkwardly to me. I would find a way to rephrase the line or use a different way to relay the information.
Page 5: There's no reason for Lieberman to once again state he is Frederick's psychiatrist. The phrase "These dreams are nothing more than dreams" came across rather awkward to me. Why does Lieberman say he believes he's read the Bible? He's either read it or not, right?
Page 6: The desk woman's first line seems a little too long. You may want to break the line up into two sentences. Her next line uses the word "appointment" twice in the same sentence and comes across as rather awkward. Given how important he seems to Frederick, I found it odd Robert is casually introduced without a description.
Page 7: Robert bluntly saying he's a scientist seems rather forced to me. You may want to find a way for this to naturally come up in conversation or find another way to tell the audience his profession.
Page 8: Robert's last three lines on the page use the word "you" repeatedly, which I found rather distracting.
Page 10: You accidentally refer to Ronald as Robert when you introduce him in the action prose.
Page 11: Why does Ronald not seem to know Frederick's name? After all, Frederick introduced himself a moment ago.
Page 12: Hmm... Ronald's forgotten Fredericks' name again. Is Ronald supposed to be scatterbrained? Nothing else in the story seems to indicate why he seems to have so much trouble remembering Frederick's name.
Page 15: Other than their hoodies, you haven't given a description of either Jason or Johnny.
Page 17: Usually when I hear of store heists, they concern convenience stores (which are small and usually only have one till) and not grocery stores (which are large, feature many exits, and have several tills). Did you intend for the robbery to occur at a convenience store instead of a grocery?
Page 18: Once of your cues reads JONES instead of JONNY. I was left confused as to how and why Jonny died exactly.
Page 19: Jerry's character is not properly introduced when he first appears.
Page 20: Unless the car is a convertible, the slugline should read INT. POLICE CAR - DAY. The phrase "America's got talent" should be "America's Got Talent."
Page 21: I would change the numerals in the dialogue to words.
Page 23: Frederick should formally introduce himself to Jason before he starts to question him. Given how vivid his dreams have been, wouldn't Frederick instantly recognize Jason the moment he sees him? Learning Jason's name should be the confirmation, not the trigger to check the printout. If you want to keep the audience on the same page, a brief flashback to the dream would suffice. Jason's line after he sits up sounds off, as he seems to respond to his own previous line.
Page 24: Frederick's third line is missing its cue.
Page 25: The desk woman's first line is phrased rather awkwardly. Furthermore, why wouldn't she recognize someone who works for the president of the company, especially when Robert s expecting him?
Page 26: Nathan's character is not given a description.
Page 27: Is? In the same breath, Nathan says the president has invested 500 million but wants to know where the taxpayer dollars are going. This left me wondering if Robert's project is publicly or privately financed.
Page 33: The chief's second line is missing its cue.
Page 34: The chief's first line uses "him" three times in one second. I would try to find a way to rephrase this. I would change the numerals in Jerry's third line to words.
Page 35: If capturing Rubble's (a man wanted for murder) is so important, why does the chief spend a few casual minutes in conversation with Jerry before informing him of the situation?
Page 38: The action line where Michael tunes into the news report uses the word "switches" twice in quick succession. I would try rephrasing this line.
Page 40: You need to use a new slugline when Red is thrown through the wall and appears outside the apartment.
Page 41: Why would Jason, whose powers were strong enough to blow up a grocery store, feel the need to grab hold of a pistol especially when he's never used one before?
Page 42: Given Red's graphic death, I think Jerry would likely call for a meat wagon instead of an ambulance.
Page 43: Michael's first line should read, "How do I know you're not lying?"
Page 44: As the leader of the operation, wouldn’t Jerry have been listening to the tactical team's radio transmissions in real-time?
Page 53: Frederick's first two lines came across as very awkward to me. You may want to rewrite this section.
Page 56: Once again, I personally wouldn't have Frederick bolt up in bed from the nightmare. "Frederickwalks" and "Michaels" should be "Frederick walks" and "Michael's" respectively.
Page 57: Is this apartment supposed to be Mark's place? If so, why haven't the police come here earlier? Wouldn't they have searched the place as soon as they learned of his escape?
Page 62: The bomb threat ruse seemed like an overly complicated way for Frederick and Michael to enter the hotel. Why can't they just stroll up to the elevators?
Page 64: If Frederick wants to wait for Alexa to leave the building to make his move, why did he enter the hotel in the first place? This is only made worse when the police show up a moment later. Frederick would know he'd have to move quickly before the police arrive, right?
Page 65: Alexa seems unusually calm in the face of what to her must appear to be a robbery or assault attempt.
Page 66: The con attempt involving Alex and the businessman is so thinly sketched it may as well not have even been there.
Page 73: The cue WOMEN should be WOMAN.
Page 74: The title "Principle" should read "Principal."
Page 77: I can't bring myself to believe Jerry would put a gun to David's head and threaten to kill him when two other officers have just handcuffed him and are standing right there.
Page 78: Kevin's line when he recognizes Mark seems rather awkward and forced.
Page 79: Again, I don't understand why Jerry is so desperate to stop Frederick and the others he is willing to help Mark kill his fellow police officers.
Page 83 to 84: A bullet destroyed by heat would melt and not simply turn to ash. Even then, the amount of heat necessary to melt a bullet before it could advance past the wall of flames would be so immense the house and everyone on the scene would be severely burned if not incinerated.
Page 96: If Jerry has a cell phone, why wouldn't he try to call Mark as soon as he sees Frederick in the crowd?
Page 105: You should state Alexa is on the scene and clings to a lamppost right from the start of the scene just for clarity's sake. When I first read the scene, I wasn't sure why Alex wanted to help Alexa as she didn't seem to be anywhere in sight.
Page 109 to 110: I don't know if the flashback is really necessary, especially when it confirms what Jerry has already said to Frederick. It's also odd for Frederick to criticize Jerry for killing the mother when she attacked him and tried to wrest the gun from him. His motives may not have been pure, but his actions are defensible in that situation.
Page 117: Why did Jerry move Frederick from a holding cell to the interrogation room just to kill him?
Page 120: Frederick may have seen this moment before, but the audience hasn't. In fact, this specific scene hasn't even been hinted at previously.
In summary, I think you have an inventive story with a lot of potential but your script needs a significant rewrite. You may want to consider taking a new approach at the story, such as using a series of parallel storylines instead of having Frederick encounter the members of the team in turn.
Currently, Frederick encounters each member of the team in turn. This causes a slew of characters to be introduced in quick succession only to be forgotten about twenty or so pages later. The revolving door of characters causes the screenplay to be a chore to follow and makes it hard for the reader to create an attachment to the central characters.
Using parallel storylines would allow each of the main characters to be developed at an even pace and would also force you to focus the bulk of your attention on the characters that matter most.
The first act would develop the characters and lay out their goals and motivations. The second act could be the team members finding each other and teaming up while mark and Jerry make their pact. The third act would be Frederick's team and Jerry's army of clones battling one another.
I know this is a lot of criticism to take, Majorgeneral316, but I hope this can help you with your next draft. Good luck with your writing.
Thanks for all the reads guys and the replies, really appreciated.
Abel its not a lot of criticisms to take, in fact i was expecting some of them. You made a lot of points there, some which are small which can be taken cared of. I will try to focus on your bigger points. Firstly, I would like to point out making a superhero team script is not easy, just look at Watchmen and X-men. Having so many characters makes it hard to show each of their origin and you end up lacking character development or the film being to long.
I totally agree with your idea of having parrallel storylines. I never thought of that idea but looking at it now it would be easier doing it that way, but the problem with that is that the storylines can seem seperate from each other. But that can be solveed with a connected in each keeping the small story arcs connected to the overall big one.
I should have described the characters more when they were first introduced. In the rewrite I will look to maybe change the characters names, as they are too similar.
I think the starts OK, maybe in your oppinion it didn't work for you, furthermore I don't think that needs to be changed.
With Frederick getting his head scanned, obviously he can use his job to get the faces from his head but that would be much longer. He knew of a way it could be done quicker, so he did it that way. I think that is ok to stay. The dialogue though, needs to be worked on.
I wrote this about a year ago, got writers block and just a few weeks ago I decided to wrap it up. I'm getting better at proofreading my work, so the re draft should have many of those mistakes gone.
I also accept the ending wasn't so clear to see, so I'll rewrite that so its clearer.
I agree I can trim down the dialogue, and by doing that I hope to increase the beginning so that you see Frederick more, and develop his character and how his family life is.
There are some other niggling issues which I will look over and definetly change, I think I may have rushed this one out because it was my first feature.
Thanks again for reading my script, I'll will get to your one as soon as possible, it will be up this week.
To Jeanpierre425, thanks for reading the first few pages. The one thing most people seem to say is that is a good concept and if written properly can fulfill its big potential. So I;m gonna work on it until it's on to that level.
To Eric2nimrod, thanks for giving it a read. I know there are problems with the first draft but I am happy you like the concept.
Again thanks to all reading this, keep the reviews coming I want to make this as good as it can be.
As people above have said, it's a good concept. It's also well structured and paced - so it kept my attention for most of the way through.
It's let down by a couple of things though:
1) Your phrasing is a little awkward in places - and there are quite a few spelling mistakes / wrong words used.
2) You really need to work on developing the characters more. Frederick drives this story - but we get no chance to get to know him first. Why is he so convinced of his destiny? Why is he okay with abandoning his family / job to find these people? Also, the others tend to accept his offer with little resistance. It didn't feel like these were real people. The same goes for Jerry and Mark - I needed more depth to their motivation for me to buy into their actions.
If you do decide to rewrite this, you should also try to make your superheroes more original: at the moment you have the Human Torch, Storm, and a couple of ones out of Heroes.
You also need a better way of describing the clones in action - it's all a bit vague at the moment.
Thanks for taking a look. I'm happy you liked the concept and your the first person to like how it was structured.
It's harder than I thought, proof reading your own work. I need to work harder on that. Also I need to make the descriptions and actions more swift and easy to read.
I'm looking to give the characters more development, but its hard because its already 123 pages. Films like X-MEN have these problems where characters can't all be developed but they have the advantage of already being known in the comics. I'll think of something.
With the original heroes thing, I thought I was being original because all the heroes have an elemental power; water, fire, ice, wind and earth. That was their connection. I know they have been used before but not really in this context.
Thanks again for reading. I owe people a couple of reads at the moment, but I'm kind of busy, so I'll get right on it when I can, promise.
I spent a bit of time working as a proof-reader - and my own stuff is still littered with mistakes, no matter how many times I re-read it.
As for the originality of the superheroes... I like the elemental connection, but: Myra's eyes going white is too close to Storm in the X-Men film. And, Jason's ability to fly is too close to the Human Torch from Fantastic Four. Neither aspect* comes directly from their powers, but seems to be included simply because the character they're modeled on has it.
(*I could be wrong about fire allowing you to fly - but I just don't see the logic behind it).
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