Al Diablo :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

So, its long yea, so I didnt read all of it.  Here's what I got out of the first 50ish pages:
whats a word like whilst doing in a logline?
masks that cover 'the space around their eyes.'  didnt understand this.  you mean everything except their eyes?  (reading on I guess you mean those little racoon masks, I think this needs to be better explained.)
Need to mention al is pauls son before you bring it up.
how is it that younger al is secure in his father company, then hes the one with the plan and the tricks?
why does al go for the sword when he still has the gun in hand?  maybe the gun should be knocked away first.
seems impressive the little guy with no muscle can carry his father.  Also why would he say 'this isnt over'  when he could kill the man in the same amount of time it takes him to say that?
Al diablo is kinda an awkward name.  I guess its like El Diablo, but with Al in front.  Bit cheesy, also means 'to the devil' translated.
A 'full nelson' hold doesnt involve grabbing the arms.  Your arms would go under the armpits, then to the back of the neck from behind.
Whats attempted GBH?  Are ou referring to the date rape drug, because thatd be a different charge, and it wouldnt be attempted.
Kinda confused plot.  Are they art theives?  When did they become vigilantes?  they just steal stuff that the mob happens to own?  That's all kinda backward logic.
p23  The thugs are carrying torches?  You mean flashlights?
Why is caponi thumbing back the hammer on his gun after hes just fired several shots?  Thats movie bs
Why does Al run away when he's once again found the guy he was looking for the whole time, recognizable by his gold 'berreta'.
Personal taste, but the spanish last names are a little annoying.  Specially paired with seriously anglo first names.  Al Diablo, Joy cicatrices.  You mean to imply shes a scarred girl?  Not all that deep.
Morley a bit of a pussy for running a criminal organization.  "doesnt like blood on his hands, it has to be joys own decision"
You have Joy saying she'll do it twice in two different scenes within second of each other.
Al's history doesnt make much sense.  I'm guessing you get more into it later, but we're already suspending a lot of disbelief that some seventeen year old kid is running the streets like he is.  I would either start with him doing that, then do the daddy scene later in flashback, or do a proper build up first.
Oh and why does Mario switch abruptly from mugging people to being a vigilante, that doesnt make any sense.
You use a lot of repititious scenes.  Like two fights in an art museum, two times random guys are out abducting innocent girls.  Don' t people commit other crimes around there?
If caponis right by the wall when al rescues joy, why doesnt he just kill al?  what exactly is the point of them implanting joy, other than for you to add some romance in the story?
And then they dont raid the place once they know its his house?  What??
p43 why is marley and caponi looking for enough to have al arrested?!  They're criminals, they want to kill him, not send him to jail.
do they call him diablo or reaper?  it seems to switch.  I dont think reaper makes sense, because noone will get the tattoo reference just from watching.
Wait why is Al threatening a civilian girl who accidentally wandered into the fight in the middle of nowhere.  Wasn't he a vigilante five minutes ago?
And why does caponi care?  isn't he an evil criminal?
and why isn't this the final showdown between him and the guy who killed his daddy?  how many times do they just face off like this in 200 whatever pages?
Then Al mugs the thugs?  what?  its funny because its ironic, but doesnt make any sense.
Stopped at page 53, sometime after he slashed the girls face for being a spy (which is cool) and then let the man who killed his father go with a couple of stern words.  Starting to get a little Hamletesque, with Al talking and talking about revenge and how mad he is, and doing jackshite to back it up.

Need to work on the consistency of the story, its all kind of jagged, scenes after scenes without much variation or build up.
Obviously you put a lot of effort into this, I dont think I spotted any typos, and the action is pretty well written and easy to understand.  The characters are a bit unbelievable, but not extremely so.  It's just the plot/structure that doesnt make any sense.  You need to sort out what kind of story this is.  Is it a revenge piece, a vigilante piece?  Then you've got random thefts and art museums thrown in.  Very confusing plot wise.

All the violence needs to be serving the story in some way.  I like cutting the girls face, that was unexpected and good.  But then moments later Als all soft and pussyish?
I'll think about reading further once I hear your comments.