Delayed Justice by Marvin K. Perkins and Veronica R. Schmeeckle - Action/Adventure, Murder Mystery - 2nd Lt. Frank Desio and his men were guilty of a war crime some forty years ago in Vietnam. Since those days Frank has been haunted by the memories of villagers and his own men who were killed that day.  Now someone wants Frank and his men dead. Detectives Carson and Brown try to unravel the mystery and save Frank’s life from an assassin from the past intent on carrying out his own brand of justice.   84 pages - pdf, format

Willing to give this a read if the writers are around.

Lightfoot, thanks for your reply, I'm not sure what you mean when you say "if the writers are around", please explain.  Marvin.

Quoted from marvink Lightfoot, thanks for your reply, I'm not sure what you mean when you say "if the writers are around", please explain.  Marvin.

This reply, says it all Marv.

No promises, it depends how my week goes, but I will try and give it a go myself.

malcolm3, thanks I would appreciate your comments.  Marvin.

Just wanted to know that you were active in the forum and that you can and will respond to the comments given.

I'm a bit busy at the moment, but will certainly give you my thoughts before tomorrow night.

Lightfoot, thanks a lot. Yes, I am active in the forum and I greatly appreciate any comments and suggestions you could give me.  This is my first feature length script. I have written three shorts and am currently working on another feature plus an autobiography as well called "Baby Boomers".  I only started writing screenplays back in August of this year and have only been writing anything other than songs for  six months. I say all this to say there will probably be quite a few errors in the script ,but I looked at it for so long, I couldn't see them anymore. Thanks asgain for your response. Marvin.

Marv,

I kind of identified with you. We both joined this site in August of this year. We both posted up our first ever attempt at a script and we were both given a lot of help from the members of this site. And to our credit, we both thanked everybody for the help they gave. We've both been reasonably active on the boards and for the most part, have tried to make a positive contribution.

All good so far. Unfortunately it doesn't last.

I try never to give a really negative review. Even if I don't like it, I always try to pick out the positive aspects, no matter how few of them there are. Below, is how I was going to start my critique of this one.

Marv,
First and foremost, let me congratulate you on finishing a feature. That can be scary stuff – even for the experienced.

I read this last night before going to bed. I even E-Mailed a copy over to my work computer to have another look lunchtime.

Getting a read and receiving honest critique is always a double edged sword. On the one hand you want your script read to receive feedback – on the other, if you’re honest, you hope the son of a bitch who’s reading it, doesn’t pull apart something you’ve sweated long and hard over. Every single negative remark cuts like a knife and deep at that. Guess what? We’ve all been through it.

I’m reasonably new to the game myself, so the stitches are still a little on the sore side.

This was me starting, trying ever so nicely, to tell you this script wasn't that good in my very humble oppinion and maybe even give you a few pointers. Then I remembered about your previous scripts.

So tell me this Marv? Because I really don't get it.

How can someone who has been given help by Niles Crane, LC, Screenwriter, Ledbetter, Usaking, Me and a number of others; manage, after all the advice he's been given, get every single slug in a feature wrong?

After being told numerous times to lose the CONT'D, CONT'D, CONT'D, still fills 60% of their script with them.

Watch your clunky action - Ignored
Watch your clunky Dialogue - Ignored
Leave out the Direction - Ignored

Seriously Marv, you've gone backwards. I'm beginning to think that maybe we're being too polite. Because for one reason or another, you're not listening.

There's a thread on Scene Headings/Slugs on the portal at this very moment. I strongly suggest you read it. My advice, learn the rules before you think about breaking them.

The truth Marv, and believe me I'm not trying to get at you. This script is a Train Wreck. It would actually be quicker to rewrite it than try and correct all the mistakes in a line by line, scene by scene basis.

What really winds me up, is you do have an imagination. You could be good. Read books, read scripts - listen! Some of these guys on here have been at this a while.

Good luck for the future Marve and please - don't take this personal. I really am trying to help.

First scene heading is in the wrong place. You also don't need the POV, you already give us a POV in the action.

In the second scene I can picture fairly well what is going on, but I'm confused. Was there enemies by them or not?  If there was any enemies I would change the whole slab of action a bit, so the reader can get a better feel for it.

[The helicopter touches down roughly in the LZ.  2ND LT FRANK DESIO, a strong and determined looking soldier, and his fellow marines hastily exit the aircraft. The last man jumps, out and the helicopter rises, then --

TAT-TAT-TAT, sparks burst all over the helicopter's body as it gets peppered with gunfire.

All marines immediately hit the ground and return the fire.]


- "The villagers are unaware of the marines as they watch them cautiously from the bush" Had to read this a couple of times, maybe you should word it differently.

- page 2 frank's dialogue is a space away from the wrlyly.

Try to think of something we can physically see that shows us they are getting angry. Why are they getting angry anyways?

pg 2 "The locals protest excitedly." find a word to replace excitedly, sounds wierd.

Don't end dialogue with a wryly and when you use them they get their own line. It's best to keep them as short as possible too, no need to add in "he says" that stuff is used for books, not screenplays.

Show don't tell - The marines treating the locals bad.

Frank Dreams: would be muc better as a scene,

EXT. JUNGLE - DREAM

Show don't tell - He dials the number of his friend and psychiatrist

where was Bill in the start? If he was with them shouldn't he be mentioned? This would be a good time to show us that these guys are friends.

Some of your character's names aren't capitalized when they are first mentioned in action.

Almost on every page there is a peice of dialogue that spills over to the next one, you should keep all dialogue on one page, it looks sloppy like this

Frank kills fellow marines
Frank cheats on wife

At the moment the above two elements seem too insane, at the beginning of a screenplay you need to get us to know your characters in order for us to care for them, these are the only two things I know about Frank. I kind of don't get it either, he's fine about Jones sexually assaulting a girl, but he flips out and takes down his own men when they shoot the locals? Shouldn't the order to shoot come from Frank, and why wouldn't he just get them court marshalled rather than muder them?

cut "buster says" on page 16, the dialogue is basically a Buster says..

pg 17, when you say screeches we already get a feeling of what's going to happen, so there's no need to say the driver doesn't apply the brakes.

page 17 poiice

show don't tell - A lady and a man step forward and say they saw the whole thing.

Ma'am not mam

In the action you made it seem like the driver crashed just after he ran over Frank, I suggest you cut that and either let us find out when Frank does later on in the hospital or make a new scene to show us he crashes.

"The male witness had been standing quietly while the lady told
her story." already know that

"knocked his ass in the air" and "ran him over" are both in the same peice of dialogue, was he it or ran over by the car?

Mercy hospital, reminds me of left 4 dead

show don't tell - best at what he does,

show don't tell - but was an outstanding beat cop

pg 24 maria - moron ,not moran

A lot of your action is clunky and thick, and in many parts there bits that you can cut. You should only take the time to describe what we need to see. As a guidline, one paragraph per beat of action.

I'll try and finish the rest of this when I can and see if there's a payoff for reading this. It is a train wreck as Malcolm says, but first drafts are usually like that.

Malcolm3 and lightfoot thanks very much for your time. I'm sorry if it seems like I haven't been listening. I guess I couldn't see the forrest for the trees. Your resposes are very valuable to me and I really appreciate each and every one of them. Believe me I'm used to being torn apart on these boards. I've been a poster on song writing boards fro years. I'm in a learning curb right now. I am determined to get better. I thank you for your time. But everytime I see bigtime movies like "The Happening", which I watched part of last night on T.V. I'm encouraged that there is hope I can get something produced as well. Thanks again.  Marvin.