SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:45pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Squad Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Squad  (currently 1592 views)
Don
Posted: March 27th, 2010, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Squad by Troy Oates - Action, Adventure - A small team of police officers fight to eliminate the trafficking of illegal arms in their city.  133 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
jackx
Posted: March 29th, 2010, 1:26am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
245
Posts Per Day
0.05
Alright if only small fragments are shown, thats generally called a montage, and should be formatted and such.  Also you say for all that's shown the person could be jogging, except they're open carrying a sidearm in a holster...
Having both the characters have R names makes it a little hard to read.  Also, small note, but about five paragraphs in a row start with one of their names.  I do the same thing, but itll read a little better if you vary it.
You use level three times in one sentence.
Not sure what QTH is supposed to stand for, but the code for location is 10-20 for all leos
Need commas before all your pet names, chief, cowboy, et cetera.
You make a point to mention everyones clothes, when all the clothes are is shirt and jeans.  You could just say plainclothes.
Why are lizzy and ryan talking on the phone?  I thought they were at the same place?
Why is the park swarming with guys when all there was was a foot chase?  What are they all supposed to be doing?
IA wouldnt have an exposed badge.
For that matter, pretty much everyone else should at this point.
You go into a lot of unnecessary detail.  Has the keys in hand, slides them into the lock, turns the keys, opens the door, removes the keys, enters the building.  All of this is just taking up space, and with the length you currently have you can definately afford to lose some.
Gotta get rid of the mores and continues in your formatting, it looks like celtx or whatever you use jacked them up.
You gotta change Begans name to something that isnt also a word, its confusing to read.
Seems cheap that you use the two plates of food on the table twice.
The hiring of the new guy is way to fast, plus we never see any of the other options.  i would rethink this.
Then ryan has a two page long uninterupted monologue that needs to be addressed.
Also lots of passive verbage, is walking is standing, etc
why are they already asking will what he thinks, hasnt he only been with them 20 minutes?
and why are they already showing him their ci?  they would take some time for trust to build up.
That's it up to p25, not sure i've seen you on the boards, if youre around ill keep reading.

Overall, way too much detail, lot of dialogue without much action.  Lot of expository dialogue too.  


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
thechillman
Posted: March 29th, 2010, 6:47am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey,

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it. It definitely needs work, it's only a first draft after all. And I did write it a while ago, but it's no excuse.

I'll get to work on refining the script. Cheers again.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006