All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The Player by Joe Bricky - Action, Adventure - After dropping out of High School and joining the Army, Jack Taylor goes back to school as an undercover cop. Tasked with finding out who killed the star quarterback, Jack gets his second chance at being the football star he never was. 117 pages - pdf, format
Hey Joe. SimplyScripts is a 'you get out what you put in' type of place. You want reads and good feedback? Give that to other people. You'll be glad you did!
Hey Joe, I really liked how you created likable characters and mostly well written dialogue that has a nice flow to it.
But, being as this is catagorized as an action/adventure, it would seem that you would want to have more action, since there's isn't much to speak of right now. I know you have a lot of sports related action, which I don't think really applies to action/adventure. Maybe this story should be in a different catagory.
I do have some suggestions on how you could add action to the script. Your main character, Jack, says that he played football in the army. That would be a great way to start the movie and introduce Jack as someone who can take care of business at the same time. For instance, you Jack and the team practicing at an army, then you could do something similiar to the Fort Hood Massacure where a sniper starts picking people off and Jack can save the day.
Not an action related comment, but I also think you could try to work in Jack doing more police work. As it stands right now the case seems to get too easily and it's not even Jack who solves it, it's Sarah who puts the pieces together. Nothing wrong with this if they were shown to be unravaling this over time, but it all seems to happen in one scene. To further heighten people's interest you could expand on Rick Sr.'s movites more. Maybe have him and some other wealthy power players in the area bribe or blackmail players into throwing games making bids on it.
It would probably work better if Rick Sr. caught on to Jack earlier and you could show different ways that Rick Sr. tries to get rid of him. The scene where the two thungs chase Jack and Sarah I think could be alongated and you could also take the oppertunity to show off more of Jack's fighting prowess. I especially liked the scene where Jack used an arm-bar on one of the bullies. Good stuff! I just think you need more of it to help enage people in your story.
I believe you could work in some of these suggestions, if you so desire, of course, and still maintain your idea of Jack looking a t the assignment as a second chance to play high school football, graduate and all that.
Don't think that I like you story because in fact, I do! I just feel that as it is now, it seems a bit dry and could use some pep. If you don't agree with anything I've said then by all means feel free to totally ingore it. I hope you find some of it helpful, though.
Hey Joe, I just wanna let you know I left out a word nea rthe end of my post. I meant to say "Don't think that I don't like your story, because, in fact I do."
Thanks a bunch for the ideas. They are all good. Like any good bottle of wine, this script tastes the way it does today, but may taste much different with a few more action scenes in it. It's funny you would suggest this the same day a working actor wrote me and is wanting to give it to his agent.
I am in the middle of my next script, and I was just thinking the same thing as you are. More action. I believe I will go back and do some of what you suggested. I just have to fit it in the amount of space I have. I think some positive changes will come of it. I wrote it as a romantic comedy, but because of the car chases and football...it kinda fit in action/adventure...so here it is.
I did a search for your William Tell script, but it's not coming up. The link takes me to the posts, but I don't know how to get the script from there.
I read your script, and I enjoyed reading it a lot. This is one of the best unproduced scripts I've read on this site. I really like the energy of the story. You definitely got some talent. You've created some great characters and wrote some really good dialogue. But, I think you should've put this under "Action/Comedy" instead of "Action/Adventure". There's a good amount of laughs here. There's definitely a market for this story.
But, you need to establish the main character's past a little more. Show him playing football for the Army, show or give more detail how his life was in high school. It sounded like it was hell. You should capitalize on the story and the comedy by showing or telling his hellish life in school. Why did he drop out of high school? That's what I wanted to know. Also, read my script that's posted on here entitled "Down Home Blues" in "Action/Adventure". It's an action/comedy. Good luck in your endeavours.
Thanks so much for the feedback. I agree on the expand upon the main character bit. I was going to do some flashbacks, but my screenwriting bible says don't use them as a crutch. I just didn't want to take a chance. Other people have said I should show him doing some football or army stuff, too. Also, you're right about action/comedy...that's more appropriate for this film. It's kind of a cross genre story. I will read your Down Home Blues and give you some feedback.
My next script entitled "Time Pirates" is about to hit this site. I'd love your feedback on it. I think you will like it.
Pages: 1
Author
The Player
Logged
Locked Board