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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Treacherous Depths Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 31st, 2011, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Treacherous Depths by Jon Jedliskowski (jjed) - Action, Adventure - The discovery of a gold rich Nazi U-Boat off the Florida Coast ignites a deadly combination of greed, betrayal, and conquest among SCUBA Divers, organized crime, Nazi party off-spring, and Nazi hunters as each party aims to seize their share of the ‘prize’.  128 pages - pdf, format


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RayW
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Howdy, Jon

Dude.
You gots your name down two times on the cover.
Need one name and one email.


Delete or update that 2007 dinosaur offa there, too.

Delete that ACT 1 and all subsequent ACTs.

EXT- SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT TERMINAL. DAY
Need SLUG SCHOOL here.

1 - (Superfluous) period needed after every INT. and EXT.  
2 - Space.
3 - Location (you can probably ditch the "TERMINAL"
4 - Space.
5 - Dash.
6 - Space.
7 - DAY or NIGHT, although technically it's okay to use SUNRISE, SUNSET, DUSK or DAWN as well, but some folks complain.

Corrected:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

     12                              3                      456 7


Pretty much have to hit the Enter key after each sentence.
Buncha "white space" freaks are gonna choke their eyes on all those honkin' blocks of descriptive text.

Speaking of descriptive text, chainsaw that stuff down to toddler-talk.

Passengers are exiting the aircraft on the jet way. One of
the last passengers exiting the jet way is a distinguished
looking, middle-aged man with silver white hair. The
expression on his face is solemn. He is well dressed and
carrying an expensive leather briefcase. The man goes by a
nickname of LARK.

               SOUND- PA SYSTEM VOICE (OFF)
     Welcome to San Francisco
     International Airport.........

A young attractive stewardess, probably half his age,
brushes past him, seemingly in a hurry. Lark stops dead in
his tracks to admire her attributes

Wave of the princess's magic chainsaw... and it becomes something like...

Almost last to step off the jet-way is LARK, 50,
distinguished with silver white hair and face solemn
as his leather brief case.

               FEMALE PA (V.O.)
     Welcome to San Francisco
     International Airport...

He stops to admire the fine attributes of the 25 year
old stewardess that brushes him and hurries away.


And five bucks says, someone's gonna come in and chainsaw what I just did.
Now, read both of these and tell me if a director is gonna film pretty much the same thing or not?

Go back.
Redo.
Re-submit.



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