Screwed by Lisa Marie Brennan - Action, Adventure - Chris and Darrell, two hard-working cousins who are just trying to get by, find themselves in over their heads when they lose their jobs and receive eviction notices.  Beautiful Rhonda, the law student across the street, becomes the inspiration for a series of crazy schemes designed to solve their problems. 111 pages - doc, format

Apart from the formatting and the logline, this had some humour in it. Okay, so it's teen humour, but it has promise. Wondering if the writer is around. I think it's in the wrong section though, more suited to comdey than action/adventure.

Overall: Could tell what you were trying to do, and some of it hit the spot really well. There were some very funny sequences, and you do seem to have something of an eye for comedic moments.

Characters were hit and miss – sometimes the main protagonist felt very interchangeable, but other character stood out well.

Dialogue was a strong point, felt sharp for the most time. Some passages were over long, and need to be either shortened or broken down, and there were occasions when it was over-expository. The discussion between Darrell and Chris regarding the temperature was not needed and came across a little clumsy, and some of the following dialogue could have been completed a little more succinctly.

Format needed sorting out. There were no pages number and no title on the copy I had. ‘Lafawnduh’ changed to ‘Hooker’ at one point, ‘Chris’ becomes ‘Deon’, and ‘Church Lady’ should have been ‘Mrs Jenkins’, and ‘Rhoda’ changed to ‘Chris’ and these combinations made the script look sloppy.

I felt that Luis should have been introduced a little earlier as this would have added a little more dimension to the script, also, some of his dialogue needed breaking up a little. There also needs to be a bit more scene setting – occasionally briefly describe the building or the area – this was missing on a number of occasions. I would also suggest that you avoid lines like ‘The attraction between them is obvious' – because if it is, then we should be able to see it on the screen. Your montages appear to be different as well – I’ve not seen them done like that before – the first was genuinely funny, but the unusual format detracted from it.

Overall, I think there is a lot of promise here, although it’s likely not to everyone’s taste – you need to proof-read, and watch for sloppy errors creeping in, and do a little tightening up. Good luck to you.