10 Crimes in 2 Hours by Pete Barry - Action, Adventure - A department store detective hunts a world-class criminal who threatens to commit ten dangerous felonies in a busy shopping mall within two hours. 117 pages - pdf, format

Hi, Pete.  First I want to congratulate you on finishing a full length script.  That's an accomplishment, and it deserves a pat on the back.  

I'll start off with a good point:

-You use the setting to your advantage.  We get to see a lot of the mall, both in front of and behind the scenes.  It becomes a character itself, in the way it dictates new plot points.  I like, in particular, the chase throughout the various stores via the Employees Only corridor.  The projection booth fire is neat, too.

Formatting:
-You have several incomplete slug lines.  You almost always need INT/EXT and usually DAY/NIGHT, as well.  When we're in the mall, changing from store to store, it's not absolutely vital that you use DAY every time (though, I would do it anyway, or simply use "CONTINUOUS," as it's told in real time).  But when we switch perspectives from one character to another, we need DAY/NIGHT.  And, certainly, when we come in from outside, we need INT. MALL; not just MALL.


Dialogue:
I have issues with your dialogue.  All of the characters sound the same, in that they're all constantly trying to be clever.  It gets too wisecracky, and some of those wisecracks are overwritten - to the point that these characters are reaching much too far to deliver a simple idea.  This is a very common problem.  After all, we want our characters to sound interesting, so why not give them all punchy dialogue?  Trouble is, readers get punch-drunk by page five.  I blame Kevin Smith for this disease.  Try simpler, more natural lines.  Don't have every character going for laughs.


Structure:
-I think you start in the wrong place.  When you re-write this, spend the bulk of your time in Act One.  For one thing, you go too long without letting us in on the story.  If I hadn't read the logline, I wouldn't know what your script is about until page 27.  
-You start your script "in medias res" (in the middle of things), but there's no clear reason to start it where you do.  Nothing interesting is happening.  He meets Annie, establishes himself as a security guard, introduces the supporting characters...and all that is fine, but it doesn't pull us in at all.  There's no reason why you can't open on a normal day, introduce those elements, and then have things go awry in real time.  That way, we're along for the ride.  It's much more enjoyable for us.  Of course, you can hold back certain information (about Will's past, for example) until later in the script.
-Also, open with a bang.  Give us something really exciting in the first 10 pages.  The first ten are more important than the next hundred.  This cannot be overstated.
-That said, I found Act Two a lot more interesting.

Specific Notes:
-page 18: "Petulant"  Lose it.
-page 26: Annie says "Will somebody take that gun away from him?"  At this point, as far as we're concerned, she's a *cop*.  She could act more authoritative.
-Speaking of Annie, drop some of her cliches at the climax.  "You created me; We're connected, etc."  The dialogue in that last confrontation between her and Will is overwritten.  They don't need to say as much as they say.  Aside from that, Act Three is pretty neat.  Nice little epilogue, as well.

Congratulations, again, on seeing something through.  So many people write something that's only four pages, and they toss it up here hoping for a pat on the back.  A real script takes a hell of a more than that.  Keep on keeping on, Pete!

Hi Pete - I think this is about the fith time I've tried to give this a read, and I always end up unsure about it - and I never know why. That's why I don't leave feedback on it.

I think you can write - I'm pretty sure about that - and I thnik you can script as well.

So I'm going to have a stab at what I think the problems are:

1) I think that you over-write very well:

# Good Frank opens the purse delicately, using only his thumbs
and index fingers.

-- this is over-writen - I'm fairly sure about that - but it's over written in a - nice  - way - I quite like the image it conjours up - in a way - I'm taken in by it, but I shouldn't be.

***********Har be spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!**********

2) The initial twist is cleverly crafted but --
...he thought she nicked a shirt didn't he? And of this, I have to say big deal. Yes, I like the way it's done - but the headline is - it ain't a whole hill of beans.

3) There is a per-plot-point premise:
-- and I don't quite buy what your selling here - okay she's a cop, but he was doing his job - I get her reasons for wacking him - but a court of law? She was the initial aggressor here, and attacked him - so she may have an excuse -- but, it's treading a fine line.

I do like the interchange on p.4/5 - I think that works well and shoves things forward nicely.

I like the Anne character and I like the chemistry you inject between her and Will.

I don't doubt it's a movie - I'm just not sure it's not a move from the 70's.

'Evil Frank' not too sure I'm buying him - I get the feeling you're trying to spoon-feed too much. I do like some of the interchange thought - so if you're capable of bringing that interchange over so well - there's no need to assume the reader's dummy?

There's a lot to like about this - but there's issues too - like in (correct me here) 24 pages we have one INT and one EXT - and I get that it's all one location - but I'm not sure how you'd do a breakdown of this script - ? Having said that - a txt read of Dawn of the Dead doesn't give any INT/EXT - so... I'm not too sure ont that one.

It'd be interesting to see if you're on the boards, and what you have to say...