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Bear Trap by Abel Orfao - Action, Adventure - Four white-collar executives get more than they bargained for when their adventurous CEO leads them on a journey deep into the Alaskan wilderness. 120 pages - pdf, format
Thank you, as always, to SimplyScripts for posting my screenplay and providing this valuable resource.
Well, after a winter of discontent, I finally finished the first draft of this new project in the spring. Since this is a first draft, I could use the feedback especially since I feel the script is at least fifteen pages too long. This screenplay is already about fifteen pages shorter than my rough draft, but I feel I could condense the story better with the help of some outside perspectives.
For those interested, I'm willing to exchange scripts and have started a thread in the Script Review Exchange section here:
I don't have time to read this now, because of the OWC, but I did read the first 2 pages and was impressed. Your writing has come a long way.
Hopefully, you'll get some reads and feedback but you know how it goes...you have to read and provide feedback before you're going to get any back. A good way to get in everyone's good favor would be to read all the OWC scripts and provide fairly detailed feedback. JUst a thought.
Hello again, Dreamscale. Thanks for the kind words and it's great to finally get back to screenwriting. Last winter was just one of those times where, every time I'd start writing, something would immediately pop up which would sidetrack me for days and cause me to lose momentum. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll heed your advice and check out the OWC scripts as they get posted.
This one caught my eye as I've been working on a script about a young girl who gets lost in the woods, so I was interested to read another script in the works that dealt with wilderness situations.
I did not have the opportunity to write down specific notes as I was traveling when reading the script, but I'll give you an overview below:
Format:
The format is fine. Sluglines and spelling look good. You have some passages that are passive, but nothing major.
Structure/Plot:
The major issue for structure and plot is that the script runs long. There are a lot of detailed passages that take a while to read through. Although you've broken them up into nice 4 sentence chunks, there are still a lot. There were a couple of big issues for me:
1. Montages - you have 4 montages and some of them are EPIC. Also, some of the montages are almost identical to each other and feel very repetitive.
2. Repetitive sequences and action scenes - At about the halfway point, the script starts to feel a little repetitive. We have 3 (I believe) instances where a character trips and sprains/hurts his ankle. We have 3 bridge sequences. Lots of climbing. And the grizzly appears/attacks with familiar patterns. In the wilderness script I'm writing, I've had very similar issues as it can become very repetitive - especially during the 2nd act onwards.
3. I think the script can use a lot of trimming. At 125 pages long including your montages, this movie feels like it will run long. Tighten up some of the descriptions, dwindle down your montages and shorten up the ending, it will help (see ending note below)
4. I didn't like the ending after Shelton is rescued. The sequences with girlfriend's and wives felt odd and overdrawn and overwritten. All I cared about at that time was Shelton and his family.
5. Speaking of Shelton - it seems he becomes the protagonist in our story, but it seems to happen a little late. Since he's the one who walks out of the forest and is the only survivor, then he would automatically become the protagonist. Look to set that up earlier in the script; with more focus on his. He has a definitive arc in the story, it just needs to be fleshed out.
Characters:
I actually liked all of the main characters in the script. They felt individual, with their own purposes and background. Well done.
As I mentioned above, since Shelton seems to be the protagonist, you may want to focus on him a tad bit more in the script - show is arc as it develops.
Miguel makes a good antagonistic figure along with Bear. He's a coward. I half-expected him to make a break for it himself once he got his hands on the rifle. Especially when he was left alone with Shelton. With Bear, he gets some redemption, but with Miguel we get none.
Liked Charles and Warren too - I just felt you focused on them too much in the first half of the script which made Shelton's switch to the protagonistic figure a little hard for me. It will be tricky to balance that.
Dialogue:
Felt fresh. Real. Each had an individual voice. Just a couple of minor issues:
1. There were a couple of scenes where it felt bogged down with dialogue where action would speak louder than words (sorry, don't have the page numbers) 2. Some wordy passages in the beginning and right after Shelton is rescued. 3. Some exposition during the 2nd act between your characters, especially after incidents involving Miguel. No need to talk about it. It just happened and we saw it.
Apart from that, all good.
Overall:
Felt very similar to The Edge, which was a great movie (to me). Lots of potential here. You have a character who you should focus on (Shelton) with a great arc during the story and as a result has some tragic consequences of his experience (his family life). The last couple of pages reminded me of Cast Away. Lot's of opportunity there.
The script needs some major tightening, especially with the repetitive action sequences and montages.
Once that is done, then it should be a great story.
Hello, MacDuff. Thanks for taking a look at my screenplay and for your valuable feedback. I'll respond to your comments below.
Most of the montages were an attempt to quickly show the characters heading further into the dangers of the wilderness and farther away from civilization. It's certainly possible the story enforces this concept on its own and makes these montages unnecessary. The one exception may be the lengthy "Shelton gets ready" montage which I feel is still necessary but possibly could be simplified.
The repetitive nature of some of the scenes is a habit I tend to fall into, and the tripping scenes you mentioned definitely need to be altered. I will say I did try to have the climbing and bridge-crossing scenes build on one another. Shelton, for example, is nearly killed on the first rope bridge which explains his terror when he has to cross other spans later in the story. Still, I'll have to take a more critical look at these sequences.
As I mentioned in my very first post, I agree the script is too long as currently written. If I can get ideas of what I can reduce or simplify in order to streamline the script, I'll be a much happier camper than the five featured in the story.
If you didn't like the denouement where Shelton meets the others, be thankful you didn't read my rough draft which followed Shelton's recovery in absurd detail. In my defense, I didn't think it was fair to the other four main characters if they and their loved ones were ignored. Still, I'll have to take another look at this scene.
While I understand your suggestion to place more focus on Shelton's character, it was always my intention to have him be a minor player for most of the script. I wrote the story in such a way so that, once the real antagonist is revealed, the audience would assume Charles and/or Warren would survive while Miguel and Shelton's flaws would cost them their lives. In other words, playing up Charles and Warren's skills while emphasizing Miguel and Shelton's flaws was an attempt to misdirect and surprise the audience.
Thank you once again for your response, MacDuff, and I greatly appreciate the feedback. Let me know if you have anything you want me to read in return.
Most of the montages were an attempt to quickly show the characters heading further into the dangers of the wilderness and farther away from civilization. It's certainly possible the story enforces this concept on its own and makes these montages unnecessary. The one exception may be the lengthy "Shelton gets ready" montage which I feel is still necessary but possibly could be simplified.
I think the story does enforce this feeling. I think you are okay adding the first montage, especially as you show different critters and wildlife. It's when the virtually same montage re-appeared on the way out that I thought it felt repetitive. At that point - I think we get it.
Shelton's montage should stay - I agree. I think it can be trimmed though.
The repetitive nature of some of the scenes is a habit I tend to fall into, and the tripping scenes you mentioned definitely need to be altered. I will say I did try to have the climbing and bridge-crossing scenes build on one another. Shelton, for example, is nearly killed on the first rope bridge which explains his terror when he has to cross other spans later in the story. Still, I'll have to take a more critical look at these sequences.
The Shelton setup is good, and I think you could get away with 2 bridge sequences. My only concern is that you have two Bears (ha!) ultimately cutting the ropes in the same way (knife, jaws). I would definitely look at the ankle-injury scenes and trim that down to one instance and make it at the most crucial time to happen.
As I mentioned in my very first post, I agree the script is too long as currently written. If I can get ideas of what I can reduce or simplify in order to streamline the script, I'll be a much happier camper than the five featured in the story.
I think if you trim and remove some of the excess action details, it will help.
If you didn't like the denouement where Shelton meets the others, be thankful you didn't read my rough draft which followed Shelton's recovery in absurd detail. In my defense, I didn't think it was fair to the other four main characters if they and their loved ones were ignored. Still, I'll have to take another look at this scene.
I agree. There should be a scene or a fleeting glimpse of the other loved ones realizing that their husbands/boyfriends are gone. I think that would help trim down some of the fat. I'm still not a fan of the confrontation between Bear's wife and Shelton. Didn't really like that exchange. Not sure what you could do instead though.
While I understand your suggestion to place more focus on Shelton's character, it was always my intention to have him be a minor player for most of the script. I wrote the story in such a way so that, once the real antagonist is revealed, the audience would assume Charles and/or Warren would survive while Miguel and Shelton's flaws would cost them their lives. In other words, playing up Charles and Warren's skills while emphasizing Miguel and Shelton's flaws was an attempt to misdirect and surprise the audience.
Ah. It was intentional. Okay, I can buy that. I think the tricky part is to make sure the audience still associates with Shelton and can side with him when his time comes to shine. For that, there needs to be some sort emotional connection with him throughout the screenplay.
Thank you once again for your response, MacDuff, and I greatly appreciate the feedback. Let me know if you have anything you want me to read in return.
No problems. Good luck with the re-writes. I look forward to re-reading it. I have a couple of screenplays up on the site. One of them "Hope Falls," my writing partner and I are in the midst of a re-write, so I'm looking for quick feedback on that - but I never expect reads in return, so there's no pressure!
Hello again, MacDuff. I just wanted to follow up on some of the points you made in your latest post.
Now that I've had a day to think it over, I agree with your idea to have just one "nature" montage at the beginning of the adventure. The others, aside from the "get ready" montage are overkill.
The scenes where both Bear and the bear compromise bridges was an attempt at juxtaposition on my part, but I'll still take another look at these sequences.
I have a habit of writing overly long action prose in early drafts, but I usually find way to condense and simplify things once I've let the script breathe for a few months. I've managed to cut the action prose in some of my other scripts by ten to fifteen percent without losing any important details. Given some time, I feel I can do the same with this screenplay.
I'm intrigued by the idea of Parker, Regan, and Lillian slowly realizing their men are not coming home. In fact, I think this could be a more powerful moment than what I currently have written. On the other hand, I'm not sure what to with Nora aside from what she already does.
Thanks for your response, MacDuff. If you let me know when your new draft of Hope Falls is posted, I'll be sure to give it a read.
I have uploaded a new draft of my script with a few revisions which, while minor, will hopefully address some of the concerns MacDuff mentioned earlier.
I've removed all but two montages and simplified the “Shelton gets ready” sequence, trimmed some of the action prose and tweaked some dialogue throughout the script, and slightly altered the scene at the rescue center.
I'm willing to exchange scripts and have a thread in the Script Review Exchange section here:
Hey Able, I just read the first 11 pages and will hopefully finish it up later.
I gotta say, I think it's well written, and you probably know I don't say that kind of stuff very often. Characters are well drawn, with good intros. Formatting's very good. Script reads clean and easy.
A couple things I'll recommend...
IMO, some of your Slugs should be a little more detailed, especially early on, "RESIDENTIAL STREET # 1" - that doesn't sound good or read well, nor does it give us any info. Same with the hotel in Alaska - great opportunity to either make up a cool name or use a real place for added reality.
Since you're moving around alot early on (from state to state), you have a choice of doing 2 things (neither of which you did) - you can either use SUPERs to give the locale, or you can have an EXt shot of something that lets us know where we are...something iconic or defining in the city. Otherwise, in a filmed version, we're not going to know we're even in a different area right away. Especially in the hotel in Alaska...since you didn't give an EXT scene to intro where they are.
I personally don't like the obvious camera direction, "hiding" the identity of whoever set this trip up. Maybe it comes into play, so we'll see, but it reads oddly, especially when we can't see his face when he boards the plane (because I can't figure out why we wouldn't see him).
Biggest issue is that 11 pages in, nothing of interest has happened (and I don't see anythign about to happen either). And don't get me wrong, because it is well written and you've done a good job on the characters, but I think you need to trim things down somehow...or start with something exciting or interesting (and I don't think the intro brings enough to qualify).
I'd lose the transitions...they're a waste of space and you're already running too long. They just don't add anything, especially the way you're using them.
Also, the Slug on the bottom of Page 11 doesn't work as is. If you literally just want to show a jump in time, use a Mini Slug of "LATER", but I'm not entirely sure it's needed if you rethink a better way to work this part.
OK, through page 25, and we're about to kick things off finally.
Listen, Abel, as I said before, it's well written and we've gotten to know all our characters, but it's just moving too slow. We're about 30 minutes in and nothing has happened, and this isn't the kind of script/movie that can get away with this.
You may or may not know, but I'm all for slow builds and chatty flicks, but IMO, this isn't one of those that will work this way. If you were in a horror genre that was going to rely on shocking kills, twists, or confinement, I'm all in, but your story appears to be about the great open Alaskan wilderness, and because of that, you've got to get us there much sooner, IMO.
I'm not sure how much the Protag's families come into play, but they sure have eaten up a bunch of pages and screen time...too much, IMO. In terms of cuts, that's where I'd start, but I also think you can trim the dinner scene as well.
Unless you add some kind of exciting intro, I think you've got to get everyone outside in the open no later than Page 15, and even that's pushing it.
I like the premise and setup here so far, although I do see many parallels to The Edge with Anthony Hopkins, but you've created your own piece here so far.
I think I'll try and read 20 pages or so at a time from here and provide some feedback. I'm not commenting on typos and mistakes of that nature, but there have been a few, but it's a clean script compared to the vast majority, so good work!
Alright, I'm on the top of Page 52 as they're bedding down for the first night. Although I still like what I'm reading, I see some problems sprouting up, and for me, at least, it's losing its touch of reality.
First of all, your writing for the most part is still overdone, but there are also many parts that need more detail and better visual clues. I also get a feel of repetition going on, where you don't need it.
First things first....
As far as I know, we don't know where in Alaska they are, nor do we know what time of year it is. Both of these are important facts that you have to get across. What are they wearing? Is there snow on the ground? What's the temperature and weather like?
Depending on the answers, I really think you need a scene of Bear outfitting them with pre-provided clothing for such an adventure. I mean seriously, you've got 4 dudes from different walks of life from 4 different cities in the country. None of them appear to be outdoorsmen and no way would any of them come prepared for a 5 day/night hike/climb/paddle through the Alaskan wilderness. Chances are good that they wouldn't even have the right shoes, let alone outdoor gear and wear. This is a key thing that will provide lots of much needed detail.
Although I love the scenes in the montage, I don't like how it's so glossed over. These are great visuals and the first time we're really seeing anything. Let us really see it and don't try to make up space that was wasted earlier.
The cliff climbing scene is very problematic for me, because, again, you didn't provide any visual cues to the height or difficulty of the climb. I have some experience with climbing, as a good friend of mine was really into it a number of years back. I know how difficult and dangerous it is. If they had to climb this cliff t get to where they were going, it's understandable, but to simply climb up the cliff one by one (twice for Bear) and then repel down, it doesn't work for me, unless we're talking something under 100 feet, but without any visual details, I have no clue and I see something much bigger. But understand that even climbing 100 feet of steep cliff, one by one, with 5 guys (and 1 doing it twice), we're talking about a number of hours, and rest will be necessary. I also think not showing the repel down is a missed opportunity at a cool scene, as that's the "fun" part of the climb.
The river raft is also an issue. I'm also quite familiar with rafting, as the same friend who was the climber, was also a bigtime white water river guy, and owned his own raft. We've got 5 guys here so they're going to have to be in an 8 man heavy duty raft, which is extremely heavy and although it does pack down, it's not something 1 guy can easily carry on his back. It's a true beast, and is very difficult to both blow up and deflate. If reality is something you're after, you may want them to be in 2 smaller crafts that are easier to pack and use. And remember, you've got oars to deal with as well, which do pack down and apart, but it's alot of weight we're talking about, which makes the hike that much more grueling.
It's to obvious that Miguel is going to get in trouble when he throws his life vest in the water...very foolish and not necessary. He can get in all the trouble you want him to wearing the vest, or maybe it's not snapped shut and gets pulled off as someone tries to save him when he starts to go over.
And then we've got the problem of not only 2 guys going into the water, but everyone will be very wet m(unless they have special clothing on, which should be noted). Whatever the air temp is, the water's going to be frickin' cold! Like the cold where you could quickly go hypothermic, yet it seems like they simply start fishing as soon as they get to land. Everything would be soaked and everyone would be teeth chattering cold.
It's these kind of details that I think you need to keep in mind and spend more page time explaining and handling, as opposed to all the stuff that doesn't matter, like all the banter back and forth.
Finally, I really dislike the Slugs (#1, #2, whatever) you're using here and the way you're intercutting between some of them (in the climbing scenes). To me, intercutting is lazy and mostly unnecessary.
For this to work, I think you need to keep things real and show detail and provide strong visual writing.
Things have taken a turn for the worst here, as far as I'm concerned. Reality has been thrown out the window and the tone is up in the air.
The scenes on the bridge, first of all, need several new Slugs. Once on the suspension bridge, is a new scene, IMO. I don't like how it plays out either, based on the writing. Not at all visual, again, and I have no visual of how high this bridge is above the gorge below, or how things really transpire overall here.
We're lead to believe that Bear cuts the line and basically tries to kill these people but I don't understand why, and only in a movie would anyone even survive here. There's a great French flick called High Lane, available on Netflix streaming that has both an amazing suspension bridge scene as well as many climbing scenes that are so well done and terrifying, based on how they're filmed. Reading this, I don't get the details or visuals I need to make this work.
The stuff climbing down this cliff and Bear parachuting down is also a real stretch in belief. The setup isn't enough for me to buy into what's going down.
The confrontation at the camp is also a problem as I just don't understand what's going on or why. Then, all of a sudden, only in movie land, a fucking Grizzly Bear walks into camp and causes havoc. Very poor decisions from everyone here and an anti-climatic resolution for Bear, unless his demise isn't as it seems...but we'll see.
I hate to say it, but I'm losing interest now cause I just don't buy what's going on and the lack of detail and solid visuals is killing the setup for me.
I'll continue and finish tomorrow, but my interest has waned and it definitely shouldn't have, cause I was thinking this was going to be pretty cool.
Hello, Dreamscale. Thanks for taking the time to look at my script and I apologize for the story not being up to your standards.
One of the problems I had trying to keep the script a manageable length was finding the balance between the right amount of detail and not spending time describing things which were not particularly important. For example, the early scenes you mentioned were written under the assumption locations would be denoted to the audience through the typical signage you would find at such places.
I will have to make an effort to better relay this type of information, especially when it concerns height and distance. I should have also clearly stated Bear had outfitted the others with the proper clothing as well as equipment.
The reason I hid Bear's face from view early on was simply because I wanted to formally introduce him to the audience at the same time the others first lay eyes on him. If this reads as awkwardly as you suggest, I'll have to rethink this approach.
I agree the group needs to make it to the woods sooner. Be thankful you didn't read the rough draft which took even longer to get to the wilderness. I suppose I could try to simplify the scenes at the restaurant and also cut out the scenes where Charles, Warren, Miguel, and Shelton call home.
Thank you for the suggestions concerning the climbing and rafting scenes. I'll have to work in the details and ideas you provided. I also like the suggestion of Miguel wearing the lifejacket reluctantly and, as a result, not securing it properly.
The reason Bear does what he does is because, in his own warped way, he thinks pushing the others to their limits will allow him to determine who will make the best executive. This was alluded to during one of the restaurant scenes where the others mention Bear didn't use a radio to call for help when his boat was pushed out to sea after an earthquake and discuss whether Bear intentionally didn't provide enough supplies during his trip to the South Pole.
I will say, in retrospect, I should clarify Bear isn't really trying to kill the others so much as put the fear of God into them. This is why Bear saves Miguel from the grizzly mere moments after holding a rifle to his head.
Speaking of that scene, could you clarify what you mean by poor decisions made all around? If you mean Miguel running away with the rifle, I feel this keeps in line with the false bravado he shows throughout the story. As for the others, I don't really see what Charles, Warren, and Shelton could have done against a grizzly in that situation.
Thank you once again for taking a look at my script, Dreamscale, and I look forward to your thoughts about the second-half of the story.
Hey Abel, I’m Jeff, BTW. I’ll start my reading up again in a few minutes and try to get done with your script today.
As for the detail level of your writing, IMO, you’re going into detail in the wrong areas, and not going into enough detail when you need to. Since I haven’t finished yet, I can’t say that with certainty, but I’ll go over it again, once I’ve finished.
IMO, you don’t need to even show Bear at all, until he walks into the restaurant. Also, so far I don’t see the remote need for the character of Nona.
Something else I wanted to bring up is the “leather box” Bear has with him all the time. I’m not positive, but I don’t think you described it very well, as I was picturing a small box, when it turns out to be a rifle box, which is a big difference! Again, it’s little visuals like this that need to be addressed when something’s first intro’d.
Just an FYI as to the inflatable white water river raft – I did a little digging, and the lightest raft I found (which wasn’t an actual heavy duty Pro raft) was about 80 pounds for the raft alone, which is a tough haul for anyone. The Pro rafts are all over 120 pounds. When you take into account the climbing/rappelling gear, as well as everything else necessary for a 5 night trek across Alaska, you’re obviously talking about A LOT of weight for these guys to be carrying. I honestly think you’d have to have the raft waiting for them at the river, as they just wouldn’t be able to lug this thing with them for 60 miles.
I understand why Bear is doing what he’s doing, and how he’s done this type of thing in the past. BUT, he crosses a major line when he cuts the support rope of the suspension bridge. That’s seriously attempted murder there and it’s very possible no one would make it off that bridge alive. Same deal when he “makes” them free climb down a steep cliff face. Chances are good that at least one would be seriously injured, if not worse.
What I meant by “poor decisions made all around” was Miguel running away without firing a shot, and then everyone else doing the same. Their best hope is with the campsite and all that was available to them, including fire. Especially, considering the bear was already busy mauling Bear…perfect opportunity to whack it over the head with something or shoot it. I know people make poor decisions all the time, both in real life and especially in movies, but this really didn’t sit well with me. Whether or not they were able to ward the bear off, they should have at least made some sort of effort.
OK, I’ll pick up on Page 77 and get back to you when I’m done.
Sorry for the delay, Abel. I actually did finish this on Wednesday, but didn't get around to this post until now. So, I'll start off by commenting on the last 42 pages and then some words on the script as a whole.
Things did not get better for me in the last section, and actually continued downhill, sorry to say.
Your earlier reviewer, MacDuff mentioned that everything seems to have a repetitious feel to it, and I agree completely. Not only do the actual events feel repetitious, but your writing does as well. I think there are several factors at work here which is causing this feeling.
1) First of all, the actual action is very repetitious. 2 cliff climbing scenes. 2 suspension bridge scenes. Multiple bear attack scenes. Multiple burying of character scenes. Etc.
2) The way you write your action is very repetitious in itself. Once the bear is intro'd, it's shocking how many times you use words like low growl...over and over again. Also, in the finale, you use the word "beast" just a shocking amount of times for the bear. It was getting comical, actually. There are many other examples as well, but I can't remember what they are right now...sorry.
3) Your Slugs are all so generic, every scene feels the same. There's no visual clues being used in any of your writing, for basically anything. Everything feels the same because it's impossible to get a visual of anything.
4) You continually use all the characters names, over and over again. I mean, seriously, if you've got 4 characters in your script, and they're all together in every scene, do you think you really need to continually write out all their names? How about "the guys", "the 4 men", "they", whatever...anything to mix it up, and save room, as writing out all their names again and again, takes up alot of space.
The stuff with the bear just didn't work for me like it should have. I didn't buy the action, didn't feel the guys did a very good job of attempting to survive, and the final 1 on 1 battle also seemed rather anti climatic for me. Nothing jumped out as being original...it was all by the book and I've seen this all before.
The stuff with all the families there, immediately after the rescue chopper picked up our sole survivor was ridiculous. How is that remotely possible? How'd they all get there like this? Made zero sense.
I did appreciate the final few pages with Shelton and the fox and even his family, but it, like everything here, went on too long, IMO, and was over written again.
So, overall, I think you're guilty of a number of things here...
Both over and under writing - Over writing where you don't need or want to, and under writing in terms of action and visuals, where you need much more.
Stagnant, repetitive writing - Your action scenes just don't click like they should, and in an action script, that's a death blow.
I think you've got the basics for a cool action/adventure script here, but I don't think you thought it all out well enough. Bear's motivations aren't well thought out and his early demise is an issue, IMO. I think you need more happening, other than the bear chasing them, as it gets dull and very repetitive. I think you need to cut the beginning WAY down and get them to Alaska before Page 10, unless you start out with the end of one of Bear's early trips, so that we know something's up by seeing it go down, as opposed to just hearing a character talk about it.
I do see some potential here, but it needs alot of work, IMO. I hope this helps and doesn't come across as harsh.
Hello again, Jeff, and thanks for your added notes. I'll have to meditate on the many points you've made when I work on a second draft, hopefully sometime in the early fall.
Also, you don't have to apologize for being too blunt. I know exactly where you're coming from and honest feedback is the only way any of us can improve. Thank you once again for all your help.
(Sorry for not referring to you by name earlier. I've been on other message boards where posters are expected, if not required, to refer to other members by screen names only.)
I see this script has been getting some attention. I haven't seen you around the boards much, but Jeff seems to like you. So, I thought I'd take a look at it for myself.
I got thirty pages in this morning, I'm stopping for now. Will continue tomorrow as work allows.
I browsed through Jeff's review. While the comparisons to The Edge are valid, my mind went to another film. It's called Severance. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464196/ Execs go on a team building mountain retreat that goes horribly wrong.
Your writing here is decent, but overly descriptive in parts. I feel like you're trying to show us every move these people make. It's not necessary and takes up a lot of space on the page.
As we take off in the helicopter, I'm having a hard time with the four candidates. What separates them from each other isn't standing out in my mind. By that I mean, what's differentiates them from each other, except for ethnicity?
Perhaps one got there through falsifying their resume. Or one comes from a blue collar family trying to make a white collar career. Another is a brown noser that researched Bear to gain an edge. That "guy" is a good deliverer of exposition later in the story. One guy could have an ax to grind with Bear, add a dash of mystery to the scenario.
These are just a few general examples that sprang to mind. They come from social class and personal motivations. Things like that stand out to me, make someone memorable.
I didn't get much from all the time with the wives and extended families. So far, I don't feel those pages were well spent, I didn't learn much. I guess Shelton is the main protag, since you started with him. Other than that, I have no idea why spent so much time with them.
I like the premise, let's see where we go from here.
Keep writing and rewriting. Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Going to read pages 30 - 60 this morning. Let's see where that helicopter drops our guys!
As I read, sometimes I have to catch myself, thinking there's a bear in the woods. Having a character with that for a name keeps you on your toes.
Mountain climbing sequence. Is pretty long. 8+ pages for one scene. You may want to consider finding a way to shorten that sequence.
Bear's excuse about the outfitters tricking him is too fishy for me. I can't see anyone buying that reason, it's transparent. We'll see where this goes, but it doesn't wash right now.
p. 58. Seems weird to me no one complains about the bridge collapse. They were whining earlier about the climbing and the rafting. Three incidents in a row in 25 pages, seems a bit much to me. I'd like to see more bonding and less complaining and coincidental dangers. It feels a little too adversarial too soon, some guy bonding could help along. Also be a nice way to get more invested in the characters.
This has a lot of interesting outdoors sequences. We'll see where the story goes from here.
Regards, E.D.
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Hello, Electric Dreamer. Thanks for taking a look at my script, and I await your input once you've read the entire story. I'm afraid I don't have anyone around me who bounce ideas off or share thoughts with, so any feedback I can get through this medium (no matter how blunt) is greatly appreciated.
I'm fairly certain I can remove most of the family scenes and dramatically cut down the material which takes up the first twenty or so pages. I'm also kicking around a more dynamic opening sequence based on one of Bear's previous excursions. I've been trying to think of more diverse scenes and problems the group could encounter, but I'm afraid this part of the brainstorming process is coming to me rather slowly.
(Sorry for not replying earlier, by the way, but an Internet outage yesterday kept me offline.)
The free climb scene after Bear leaves the guys is super short. The previous climbing sequence was almost eight pages. It feels very rushed, perhaps should be more drawn out for tension.
The bear. It's ok, if a bit overdone in outdoor adventures. I'm more than halfway through the second act here now, page 75. And yet, I don't feel like I know these guys much at all. All I really know about them is how they react differently to Bear's behavior.
I know next to nothing about their backgrounds. What did they have to go through to get to this position in Bear's company. To me, it feels like the campfire getting to know you scenes are absent. No one's partying or chilling late at night, resting up together, etc. That togetherness is sorely missed by me from these characters.
p. 77 I think we should see the bear destroy the satellite phone. It's a good beat for the audience to experience. Personally, I prefer seeing that in action, than be told by a character.
I feel like the animal attack limited our options down to walk to the river. What if Bear's body wasn't there? But the guys know he had that satellite phone? Now you have dilemma and decisions to make. Do we follow Bear's bloody trail deeper into the animal's territory? We could recover the phone OR try our luck at the river. The river is safer, but there's no guarantee they'll get there on time. Get the guys debating, arguing, it's a simple device. Create scenarios and options to be explored, leads to drama in the group, IMO.
The second bear attack, it feels as coincidental as the first. Perhaps the guys had to choose to go through the animal's perceived territory. Cuz, if they don't, it means they'll likely miss their rendezvous. Decisions like that add tension, where as it's written, this feels largely reactionary. You're waiting for the next thing to pop out at them, etc.
I want the guys to make the decision to tread the dangerous path. If they do, it increases their chances of rescue, but also ups the risk. That kind of raising the stakes goes a long way in a script like this.
Hope this helps. I'll wrap up the read tomorrow.
Regards, E.D.
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I'm going to tackle the last thirty pages this morning. I'll takes notes as I go long.
p. 95 I think I can pinpoint one of my big problems with this script right here... Well, never mind, actually, since you're script is a secured PDF. I can't copy and paste things, that's frustrating for a peer review. Anyway, your action description is backwards. Saying that someone freezes as they hear a bear growl. Action should be first.: Bear Growl. Gasp. Freeze. Put that visceral action first, so we the reader can experience the intensity.
p. 98 Now we're down to the two characters I like the least. The pair with some skills and decent human beings are kaput. We're left with the gun toting coward and the whiner. Shelton's crying more than ever, ouch. He didn't learn much from Warren or Charles.
p. 99 I don't buy for a second Shelton would willingly hand Miguel a knife. That's a seriously bone headed move, I like Shelton even less now.
p. 104 I'm having a hard time with how intelligent this bear is. It seems to have an innate understanding of how to deconstruct bridges. Now that Miguel's gone, the page is loaded with actin description. Four or five pages in a row without dialogue, thick read.
p. 106 The lynx wolf battle would be costly and seems unnecessary. Rarely are trained animals in movies in direct conflict with each other. Insurance and liability issues prevent such scenes from happening. IMO.
p. 109 There are six paragraphs of action in a row that start with, "The grizzly...". The read is just way too thick through here. The spacing is super tight. I might be more inclined to wade through if it was spaced out better.
p. 112 Shelton attained hero status after being a wuss the entire script. I'd like to see a progression towards that goal throughout the script. Perhaps he gains wisdom from spending time with Warren and Charles. And I'm talking philosophy/attitude stuff, not just how to make a bow, etc.
p. 115 Nora's outburst made no sense to me. She knew what kind of man her husband was, yet she reacts like a toddler. Meh.
p. 118 Kylie has some very advanced notions about her father. Considering that she still gets read bedtime stories and all.
I'd much rather see Shelton be a man with his family than a fox. I haven't spent the entire script with the fox.
This idea has been done, but it has some life in it, with some twists. When I first joined SS, my action description was chunky, like yours is now. Learn from the veterans, Dreamscale is a great place to start. Besides, you should give him a read in return for his efforts here.
If you amp up the human conflict and establish a brisk pace, this will improve.
Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!
Regards, E.D.
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Hello again, Electric Dreamer. Thanks for taking the time to wade through my script and for posting your thoughts. Your comments have been very helpful and will certainly help me when I start my next draft.
You've raised some good points about Shelton improving his outlook from the time he spends with Charles and Warren. I'll also have to keep your writing tips in mind as I work on condensing my action prose.
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