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Chasing Dreams by Jack Middleton - Action, Adventure - A case of identity theft leads to mistaken identity that places two friends in danger when they vacation to celebrate their new identities. Bob and Ray are racing against time to replace a treasure that a high powered criminal thinks one of them took. 107 pages - pdf, format
I am new to this site, and to writing for the screen and I am soliciting comments. The book "The screenwriter's bible" has really helped... and Final Draft software. I have been browsing this forum, and I am beginning to read some of these postings. I intend to offer feedback, even though I am somewhat new to screenplays. I will offer what I can. I did get some insight into script writing from a user's group some time ago that has really helped polish 'Chasing Dreams' a little.....
I am new to this site, and to writing for the screen and I am soliciting comments. The book "The screenwriter's bible" has really helped... and Final Draft software. I have been browsing this forum, and I am beginning to read some of these postings. I intend to offer feedback, even though I am somewhat new to screenplays. I will offer what I can. I did get some insight into script writing from a user's group some time ago that has really helped polish 'Chasing Dreams' a little.....
I assume this is yours? Well, I am new myself and I am just picking up a lot of stuff to read. Unfortunately, I don't really do a lot of grammar as with my own writing and other stuff I do not have the luxury of time to nitpick and small spelling errors and such, I do hope that what I say next can help you out.
First, with the format, and this is usually something that gets fixed through further edits so it's not really much of a criticism, just a call for attention. Do a good read, because there are a lot of things where you miss format standards, some things are formatted as dialogue when they clearly aren't etc. You have 2 series of shots events which you also format differently. This is really just something that will need you to sit down attentively for about an hour.
The dialogue is pretty good, I didn't have the disconnect while reading it, nothing that jumped out. What I mean by that is that it felt believable enough of how these characters were saying things. However, some of it was very flat to the situation, like almost everything involving Bob while he was captured just forced me to go "well, what normal human being would react like that."
I also feel like a lot of characters are extremely two-dimensional, just fitting molds and operating within predetermined standards. The villain felt very caricature-like himself. There are a number of situations I struggled to get on-board with, like how Ray goes from being angry at Lupe and Luc to actually working with them, that transition was very stiff and not drawn out. Same with when Lupe comes to visit him at the hotel, he doesn't act extremely believable, or angry, or upset...
Sometimes it also feels like things just happen because it's the way other movies would have things happen, a la the whole connection with Lupe and Ray out of nowhere. There are a lot of various situations that are cliche if nothing else. This big sophisticated thief villain who is so old school you have to think him cool. Damsel in distress who fights for the right of her people. Even down to Luc being employed by the bad guy at first.
There is something here, you have a few moments that had me going "wow", but for the most part, it does feel flat, and like it is treading a number of grounds that have already been done with lack of focus at times. The ending was drawn out as well, a little too much for me, I'd take some of it out.
This is by no means to discourage you from working on this, after all, this is just my opinion. As a suggestion, I'd say, explore the characters a bit more, make them three dimensional beyond these standard movie archetypes. Change Bob's interaction with the villain as it seems almost cartoon like. Focus on the relationship between Lupe and Ray and how it grows and forces him to change rather than go from "Oh You Robbed me now you'll help me" to "madly in love".... This is not hard, believe me, I'm still working out all the kinks on my first script before I post it here, and once again I do not mean to be discouraging I'm just pointing out some things and how I felt when reading them. Hopefully this helps.
Thank you for the input. I realize I have a lot to work on and I appreciate the help to allow me to know what to work on with this. Since I am new to this process I am grateful for the criticism...
I like your logline. I think the message here is: be happy with who your are. Things can always get worse.
Took a quick look at your screenplay. Later on I hope to read more. I'm not going to comment on "spelling because': A) I'm not a native speaker, I'm Dutch. B) I'm a bit dyslectic, (it takes ages to get rid of all of my bad grammar)
* I enjoyed your first action scene. *pag 5 - This I like: "
He turns to Bob.
RAY I hate this job.
A lot of people (me included) would have written:
RAY (turning to Bob) I hate this job.
It looks like a small detail but it's not.
* A lot of "white space" in your script end "small text blocks". Nice!!! * crispy - natural dialog. Good job! I wish I could write like that. I have to read more to see if your dialog serves the plot. Makes it go forward. In dialog Don't forget CONT'D if needed. (this can be a problem working with celtix, it's my problem and it s....) * You have clearly stated the theme within 10 page. Great! * Ged rid of the "end of subtitles". When this script becomes a shooting scrip, script people will look for a good place to add the "start subtitles" and "end subtitles".
I took one sentence and -two?- scenes to analyse
The sentence:
pag. 1
"Sam Ortega, thirties, looks like he belongs in a boxing ring. Gruff, large and menacing."
Why do to many of us (including me) try to write like Tarantino? Don't!
The sentence already is better like: "Sam Ortega, thirties, looks gruff, large and menacing."
EXT. BELIZE - BEACH - DAY
The white sand beach looks like a postcard photo. We move over the beach and the people enjoying the sunshine. The water is so blue it looks painted. Palm fronds rustle in a gentle breeze.
* Get rid of "we" in fact get rid of 99% of all "we see". * The purists on this forum will probably kill you for "postcard photo". The rule being: show not tell. " white sand you can show on film but is it really important to tell us the sand is "white"? If we know Belize Beach we already know that! (why do I feel I'm stealing comments here). The same for the colour of the water. "It looks painted " ehh.
So what you're really telling me:
People enjoying the sunshine. The water is so blue. Palm fronds rustle in a gentle breeze.
OK "the palm fronds" I (personally) like the image, but if you're going to shoot and there's no wind... oops.
SUPER - "BELIZE, CENTRAL AMERICA"
Track along the beach among people sunning. Several people are splashing in the surf. Children and adults swim. Several wind surfers can be seen off the beach. We approach Ray and Bob lying side-by-side on beach towels. Ray sits up.
* Don't use camera "stuff"'.
The two scenes can become one.
EXT. BELIZE - BEACH - DAY
SUPER: "BELIZE, CENTRAL AMERICA"
"Adults and children enjoy the sunshine. They splash in the surf, swim or wind surf the waves.
Ray and Bob lie side-by-side on beach towels.
Ray sits up."
I liked the first twenty pages. I'm going read more.
PS : I just posted my first short called Unholy Swap. Kill it but don't let me suffer to much.
Thank you, Rutger. I appreciate your comments. this is my first stab at a screenplay, and I really like all the help I can get with this form of writing.
I like the first scene, it totally got me hooked and I want to see where the story goes. However, the first thing I noticed was your use of 'we' - especially in the first few lines. You use it sparingly through out the next several pages (if at all) and you've proved that you can write great action without it. Might want to cut back, at least in those first lines.
Seems like you have a really specific idea for their guns. I like that and it's great attention to detail. If the reader is a gun nut, they'll eat this up.
When the shoot out ensues, I got a little lost, specifically on page two. You've got Sam, a patron, a bald guy, a woman, and a passenger (I think) all running and shooting at different people and it got a little confusing. Try giving the patron or baldy a name maybe? Or perhaps just tell us WHO is shooting, instead of telling us where or what these folks are shooting AT? Unless their targets are pivotal to the story, I couldn't tell. Just clean this scene up, and it should rock!
The next few pages move along steadily enough, great description. The big block of text on page four should be leaner though, try and stick to 3-4 lines max. May want to be careful with things like INSERT or BACK TO SCENE as they can take away from the 'reading experience.' I like to throw them in when I'm feeling gamey, then go back later during a rewrite and flesh out what I want instead of tossing around camera direction.
Overall, I think most of what I read could be a lot tighter. Condense some of the action and dialogue to help make it read faster. I'm interested in the characters, but near the end I wondered where the story was going and how long it would take. If you quicken the pace (not the 'films' pace but the reading pace) I think it'll help.
More trivial pet peeves. Brief stints of action like a look, a glance, a nod, or things of that nature can often times be removes or combined with other lines. Let the actor decide how to look or move his body, it's your job to tell the story. Getting rid of tiny things like this can help trim the fat and keep people reading. I may check out more if I have the time. You've got some talent, keep it up.
Thanks for the comments, Alpha. I realize that the rewrites are tough. It seems that I spent way more time rewriting, but it just seems to be getting better with comments like yours. Thanks again for the help.
I read the first 10 pages. I'll echo some of the comments here. First, the "we" comments on the first page ought to go. If you can write something without using we, then it will be better.
Page 1: "We are above a STREET, floating." I don't think this is necessary. In fact, isn't this the director's job to show how to view the scene?
ON THE SIDEWALK, two DRUNKS stagger arm-in-arm. We do not see other signs of life in the area. Again, you don't really need we here. You can just write "ON THE SIDEWALK, two DRUNKS stagger arm-in-arm with no one else around."
I don't think "we" is a killer, but I'd try to avoid it in the first 20-30 pages.
Lastly, I notice that in some sentences you have it double spaced and others are single spaced after a period. I only started paying attention to this, because this pattern occurs frequently in the first 10 pages. I'm not sure if this is intended or not, but single space after a period should suffice.
Page 6: "BOB Finishing this cartoon." Was this supposed to be a diaglogue or action?
Finally, finished it. It got better as I kept going along. The action picked up after the kidnapping and the jungle scenes. The ending dragged on. It seemed like you were angling for a sequel?
Is Lucian Gray English? (Gray is the last name of a famous character from Oscar Wilde). His introduction didn't hint at it. I only ask this because his name appears English. Also, on page 40, he says "wanker". If he was a native of Belize, I doubt a Spanish person would use 'wanker.' that's more of a British slang. I would imagine he would use a Spanish curse word.
Your spacing with sentences continue to be noticeable for the rest of the script. At times, I think you triple space after periods and at times, it appears double spaced. It really shows on page 56 when the phone "Rings. Rings. Rings."
Page 67 Lupe has a dangling "And..." at the end of the page.
Page 80 Lupe: "You will never get away with this." Not only is this a cliche saying, but at this point I would think Lupe would go back to her native Spanish tongue to curse out Frank.
Page 95 The sentence "Lupe reluctantly turns away, still angry. " has an extra space in front of Lupe.
Overall, the action kept me interested. However, I found nothing new that I haven't seen before. I would try to tighten up the ending a bit, even if you're angling for a sequel.
I would let Lupe and Lucian let out those Spanish curse words (i.e. pendejo, puta madre, etc) when their emotions take hold of them. I think it will make them more authentic Spanish. Certainly, he/she won't use "wanker."
You can write a story, and I think you can really make this stronger. One line that stuck to me in the end was when someone blurted "You can never really know someone." I think you can build off this as your high concept idea. Maybe make Frank an upstanding hero in the beginning and then slowly show him as a corrupt capitalist. To a certain extent, Bob/Ray fit into this concept (false identity) and Lupe/Lucian (thugs but not killers).
Good luck with this. Also, check out my feature "Eso Es Barcelona" in the Comedy section. It's more of a satirical, Dramedy.
Hello Jack, I read parts of your screenplay. Great job for a first timer. You have done well, researched a lot too. I would say, just tell the story, forget about the "How to's" for now. Just write the screenplay with a story. Good luck and happy holidays!
OK. Thanks to everyone who gave such good comments to help make this better. I have rewritten most of this since it was first posted. I have posted the latest, so I am still looking for helpful comments. I appreciate all the help.
You've got a good set up here, but your writing's bloated:
A sign at the end of a driveway reads: "The Bowman Jarvis Center - Established 1969" The Bowman Jarvis Mental Health Center: Three buildings that look like small, single story apartment houses. The Bowman Jarvis Center resembles a small retirement community. The buildings are old but well kept. The grounds are mowed, new paint covers the buildings, the hedges are trimmed and there are sparse flowers in the beds next to walkways. An old CHEVY NOVA turns into the driveway and makes its way to a parking spot in front of the first building. The front doors open and BOB CRAWFORD gets out of the drivers side. Robert "Bob" Crawford is in his early thirties. Bob is in good shape and not bad looking. He is clean cut and trim. He wears newly pressed jeans and polo shirt. He looks like the epitome of the boy next door. RAY JOHNSON, late twenties, three days growth and uncombed hair, steps from the passenger side of the car. Wrinkled shirt and slacks seem to hang from him. He wears tennis shoes without socks.
Below is only your words chopped from the above:
The Bowman Jarvis Mental Health Center - well kept hedges, sparse flowers in beds next to walkways.
An old CHEVY NOVA turns into the driveway
parking in front of the building BOB CRAWFORD, early thirties, gets out. RAY JOHNSON, late twenties steps from the passenger side.
Maybe try and keep your dialogue tighter.
Several people wonder the sterile hall. Several people wander the sterile hall.
An insert shows the word "BELIZE" - hand written on the page. INSERT: (Handwritten) "Belize" This is not information, it is an insert.
INT. BOB'S CAR - DAY Bob sits in his car and waits. He draws in a notebook. -- he does one or the other.
I think you need to think about your dialogue either side of p7 - it comes over hum-drum. This early on, I think you need to make a point -- it's kind of there, one of them's single, one's a loser in love (I think) but if you're gong to undertake an excercise like this, maybe make it clear where you are going - a viewer may expect issues that are stated at this point to be resloved later on, so be ready to work them and resolve them.
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