Kevin Goes West by Bo Ransdell (boinTN) - Action, Adventure - Kevin, an office drone, fantasizes about a simpler time in the Old West.  When he is transported back in time, he finds the West isn't all he expected. 97 pages - pdf, format

This is a really well written script. The dialogue between Kevin's modern nerd, and Jed's 19th century gangster was really funny. Great pacing to the story as well. The third act got just a little complicated, in terms of new characters introduced, the real July Wilson, but you get rid of him soon enough. I know Kevin came back a bad ass, but maybe an extra scene with Grace would make her choice at the end a tad more believable. A small issue really. There were several LOL moments with this story. Great work with your action passages, less of what's going on now, instead more character nuances in their reaction to what's going on now. Great work. I have learned something today.

Thanks so much!  A slightly edited version of this is going "out to market" soon, so I always like to post up here first and get a general reaction.  Thanks, again for the read and I am working diligently to return the favor!

very nice work Bo.  Job well done.  I like it.  Up to 20 pgs now, and havn't seen any thing wrong.  I will keep reading since the story is compelling enough.  Nice character development.  I already knew what kind of person Kevin is just by reading a few dialogues.  

IMO.  It would be a little better if you add at least two scenes before his arrival to the West.  To me, it's too quick to take him to the dune.

Either way, this script is good to read and learn.  Good luck with your marketing!!

KEVIN (CONT'D)
Okay, so, I'm not waking up.
JED (O.C.)
Hello? Anybody there?
Kevin looks around, searching for the source of the voice.
KEVIN
Hello?
JED (O.C.)
Over here!
KEVIN
Here? Where? There's some weird
acoustic thing happening, sounds
like you could be anywhere.
JED (O.C.)
By the tree, ya idiot!
-------------------
Here you put JED's name before you introduce him.  This is not my first time seeing this.  I've seen this approach in the beginning of the script "War Horse" also where the writer puts Joey, the HORSE way before he introduce him like two pages later.  If I can do like this, it will help me alot with my script.

That's a little tease I like.  i've seen lots of people use it, and I probably use it more than I should, but it scratches the happy in my brain to hear someone speak before you see them in a script.  As for the speed to get to the West, I padded it a bit more in an earlier draft and I felt like it dragged down the story a bit.  I'm probably wrong about that, but that's my defense.  Thanks for reading!  I hope you get a couple of laughs out of it!

HAAA...i am going to start doing that.  I like that idea, too.  I have been struggling with introducing the characters sometimes.
About the rush to the West, you have no problem with the way it is now.  What and how many scenes you cut out from the first draft?  Again, IMO it's a little too early for the second Act to come in.  
It was funny to read the scene when Jed and Adriana meet.  


Owen Wilson or Woody Harrelson would be perfect for the role of Jed.
Steve Carell should play as Kevin.  

Technically, the introduction of Mercy is really the break into two, or at least in my head it is.  There was a scene bteween Kevin and Carl doing the friend thing, and another that had Kevin on another failed date, but it felt like the real story wasn't happening until we actually got back in time, so I lost them.  It didn't offer much in the way of information we didn't know about Kevin and they were victims of some ruthless cuts.

Because I feel like Nathan Fillion should be in everything, he's my Jed, but I've heard Woody Harrelson from a couple of people and have abslutely no issue with that!  Love Woody!

Hey Bo,

I saw some activity here and also noticed in another thread that you’re looking for reads so thought I would give this one a read. Hopefully what I say will be of some help to you.

Think the logline needs some work.

What’s with the larger font on the title page? I would try to keep it simple, all the same font size but that’s more of a personal preference.

P.1 Fade in should be left aligned.

“It looks cold, still, quiet” It looks?

Looking up? Who’s looking up? Is this a camera direction? Or a characters perspective?

Thinking maybe this scene needs to be broken up with some new slugs or mini slugs, it comes across as confusing as it is at the moment.

The character intros could do with some work IMO.

Get rid of “continued” on the top and bottom of pages. We know to turn the page and it’s wasting valuable space.

P.2 “King of the Nerds?” Should king and nerd be capped here?

“ Most for these people” typo here. “Most of these people”

P.3 “The FLing” Don’t know what is happening here? Think you want FLING capped?

“Kevin gives her a sloppy wink, an unfamiliar gesture for him.” What is a sloppy wink?
The second sentence is telling IMO.
“Kevin gives a clumsy wink” this would read better.

P.4 “His boss” This is telling and you don’t need to do it. This will become clear when the scene plays out, well to me it did.

“His boss, CHRISTIAN MICHAELS, a late-40's playboy with more ego than talent”

This whole description doesn’t work for me I’m afraid. Things like “playboy” and “ego” are not descriptive as in we cannot see this. Again, you also show his ego in the dialogue so no need to tell us anyway.

“Late-40’s” why not just 40s or if it is important for him to be late 40s, might as well be specific like 49. It saves space here.

Also that whole paragraph could be tightened, look it over again and try to shorten it.

“Now, Christian stops, turns, faces Kevin.” No need for “Now” start with Christian stops.

P.5                                KEVIN
                   See, the seat is eighteen by
                   sixteen, which is fine, but it's
                   also 19 inches tall. The base with
                   the casters is only fourteen
                   inches. It's top heavy.

This dialogue is inconsistent. Eighteen, sixteen and fourteen. What’s wrong with 19?

Some nice exposition here but be careful about some of the “on the nose” dialogue referencing to his work.

P. 6 “She knows Kevin's right.” More telling here.

“His best friend” again, telling. It’s not bad but it is wasted space especially as you are doing a good job of showing some of this as well.

“Girlfriends” Doesn’t need to be capped.

“watching Clint Eastwood take care of business in the Italian desert on a flatscreen.”

Who doesn’t like watching Clint take care of business but is this needed?

“Eastwood lights a cigar with a squint.” Are we watching Kevin or the Clint Eastwood movie? We haven’t changed scenes?

P.9 I’m guessing Kevin works for a company called “Alliance Furnishings?”

Then this slug “INT. ALLIANCE BREAK ROOM – DAY” could be better descriptive like:

“INT. ALLIANCE FURNISHING - BREAK ROOM – DAY” A bit clearer and not taking any extra space. Just a thought.

P.11 “Kevin, alone, shuffles” Take out “alone” here, it’s superfluous and will be pretty clear on screen. Also Laura’s description could do with some work IMO.

P.12 “$34.50” should be “thirty four fifty” Read that piece of dialogue out loud, it reads smoother written like this.

“I thought that was a gift.” Missing question mark.

A long paragraph here, try to keep them at 4 max.

P.13 “because shit's about to get real” Think you’re missing a “this” between because and shits?

“HORSES pour into the arena on the floor, COWBOYS and INDIANS
dressed for the part, circling the ring to give all a view.”

Just thought when reading this, we didn’t get any visuals for the arena when they enter. We got an exterior description but no interior, just a thought.

Another long paragraph here on Cody’s intro. Are all the clothes he’s wearing that important? I mean some of this action could be tightened and shortened.

“Crowd” doesn’t need to be capped.

P.15 “fitting Kevin by eye” Unsure what this means?

P.18 “The moment is pregnant with tension” I don’t think pregnant is the right word here, something like fraught might be better.

I’ll leave it at page 25 for now, I’m enjoying it so far, reminds me of “Back To the Future 3” now we’ve entered the old west. Be interesting to see where this goes?

I’ll leave an overall summary once I’ve finished the whole script but why was Molly even in this? She disappears after the first scene?

Also feel if Grace is the love interest then this relationship needs to be developed more before he goes back to the old west. Guess you have a reason but found it strange that she didn’t go on the date with Kevin?

One of the aspects that you need to work on IMO is the character intro’s, too lengthy with superfluous material. Also Carl could do with some expanding as the best friend.

On a positive note, Jed looks like a good character so far and Kevin is likeable as the protag.

Be interesting to see how you’ve handle the dialogue from here on in. Old west dialogue looks like it could be hard to make sound genuine, never tried so wouldn’t know.

Okay…I’ll continue when time allows.

All the best

Steve

Good opening scene. Discernable characters. Was gonna give you hell saying there ain't no way someone could launch a pumpkin 3800ft without it exploding on takeoff force. Ha! googled punkin' chunkin' . The worlds record is 5500 and some change. Amazing! Never knew about this.

Writing is good so far. Spaced out just right.

I will be back...

James

Thanks, Coop and James!  Yeah, the Punkin' Chunkin' is a real thing.  Very funny.

Coop, thanks for the notes.  Some of this has been resolved in a slightly later draft, but I'll revisit more.  Much appreciated!

Hey Bo,

Sorry for the long delay between reads but life got in the way. Anyway, I finished this today between a few tantrums from my daughter. >

The opening 18 pages felt clunky to me for some reason, maybe it was the over the top character descriptions or the fact that you were trying to pile so much conflict into Kevin’s life for the latter scenes. Not sure but it needs to be reworked IMO.

When we got the Old West, things picked up, the story flowed better although most of the new characters were poor.

Jed was good, no complaints from me here, he’s a good character with a lot of potential and Adriana was okay, She has Eva Mendes written all over her. Apart from July who gave a great cameo, liked his 10 pages or so even if he did die stupidly IMO (in notes), everyone else struggled from here on in.

They wasn’t bad, just undeveloped, no personalities and some of them had long, over extravagant descriptions and then never saw them again. Characters like: Maria, Harper, Fat Lucy for example.

It was Kevin who was the main disappointment for me and this isn’t good if he is the main protag. I liked him in the first 20 pages but then he seemed to take a back step for Jed and Adriana.

His relationship with Grace needs to be more developed before he goes back to the Old West, why does he like her? What is their connection? She’s only just started working there?

Snake, although the name felt unoriginal wasn’t a bad antag but he could have done with some back up. Apart from Garrett, it was mainly unused extras or “banditos” and something felt missing from this gang? Give them some unique personalities and traits.

Like I say, it flowed nicely when we got to Old West, felt there were some problems with the slugs which I’ve mentioned in the notes but overall the plot moved nicely along. There were some inconsistencies but even a lot of produced movies have them.

The dialogue was okay, I honestly thought this would be the main problem but it worked for me, you did a good job overall. I’m not saying it’s perfect but good.

I did feel the ending felt rushed, could do with expanding, felt too easy to stop the gatlin gun but like how you tied the catapult opening into this, that’s a nice touch and good structurally for our protag.

Kevin’s return and change could work but like I said earlier, I didn’t care enough about his and Grace’s relationship to care. If this is reworked, developed earlier, it will add more meaning, care for the reader.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts. Best of luck with this.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P. 25 Does “drunk” need to be capped throughout the action?

Try to avoid “ing” words if there unnecessary. “Knocking him out cold” could be “Knocks him out cold”

P. 26 Again, should “outlaw” be capped in the action?

P. 29 Maria doesn’t have an age?

Where did the townswoman come from? She was just suddenly there? Was she with Maria?

P. 30 Some of Kevin’s dialogue could do with some polishing, sometimes comes across as too formal for the character you’ve developed.

P. 31 “HARPER's beard is a bird's nest” is it literally a birds nest? The “s” on the end Harper should be capped. Again, no age here and intro feels long.

“I asked if I can help ya.” Missing question mark.

“Jed stays in shadow.” Wonder if this should read “Jed stays in the shadows”

P. 33 “women with men can't do for 'em.” Is there a “it” missing between do and for?

P. 34 “Jed's looks run the gamut from frustration to total frustration” This was a weird sentence, I’m guessing the horse is the one frustrated but how do you show a frustrated horse? Is the horse frustrated or exhausted?

“almost on purpose” I don’t know? I personally don’t like this line, Is it on purpose or not? I mean why not, “he purposely jumps from the horse”

P. 36                              JED
                    I expect that went pretty well.  

“think” instead of “expect” would be better suited here in this line IMO.

“failing at casual.” Is this supposed to be “failing at being casual”

“Adriana takes a drink.” Change to something like “Adriana takes the drink for herself” Reads better IMO.

P. 37. (usually a lot) How do we know this?

Have noticed a few “more” in the sluglines like:

EXT. RANCH HOUSE – MORE

I’ve never seen this and it has left me a bit baffled, do you mean continuous?

Can a door slam open? I guess if it hits something but I would make this clearer.

P. 38 Adriana’s dialogue should be (O.S) as she’s still in the ranch but scene is outside. Actually, neither of Jed or Adriana left, the door just opened. Just a thought.

“She's a four-alarm fire.” Okay, I’m curious to know what this means?

“No talking this trip.” Missing “on” between talking and this.

P. 39 “Kevin has rediscovered his romance with the West and even the nag beneath him plays it cool this go 'round.”

Sorry but this whole sentence reads wrong IMO. More telling and awkward phrasing.

Have a look at the opening sentence in the sheriff’s office, also a bit awkward IMO.

“We ain't head a proper hanging in almost six months.” Is head a typo? Is it supposed to be had? Or a pun because it’s quite a funny line.

P. 40                             KEVIN
                          Bzzz.

No idea what this was about but I did giggle?

Did only Tully leave? I thought there was a group of people meeting them? It was explained like that in the action before?

Now I understand a bit more about the "Bzzz" comment, liked that line about the bee.

“damned school teacher.” Think this is supposed to be damn instead of damned?

P. 41 Think gang should be capped here? Could be wrong about that one.

P. 42 There is a line that looks wrong on this page?

In the

CENTER OF TOWN

Think this is an accident and should be together in the same sentence? Check it out.

I do like Fat Lucy’s description, very vivid but why do none of the new characters have ages?

P. 43 Sheriff not capped in Tully’s dialogue.

P. 45 “Kevin wades through the Crowd” Crowd doesn’t need to be capped on this page

P. 47 “Tell me where he is” Missing question mark. Then start the next line.

P. 49 INT. SURGEON'S OFFICE – LATER

Feel this should be doctor’s office. Also, you use “later” a lot in the slugs, try just day or night sometimes? Needs to be broken up IMO.

You certainly have some distinct character descriptions.

P 51. Another slug problem here IMO. “EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS” I don’t believe this scene can be consider continuous as it wasn’t immediately after the previous scene.

He’s marching through the street? Thought he was outside the Sheriff office?

P. 52 “Adriana drags” Wonder if this is supposed to be digging? Reads strange when Kevin starts digging deeper soon after is all.

P. 53 “He climbs after it” This reads awkward.

P. 56 “The look Adriana gives says she's not buying it.” What look is that again? Oh yeah, the one the missus gives me all the time.

Have to ask when Kevin got a gun? That sprung up on me, maybe I missed it?

P. 58 “You're not getting religion on me” Think you mean religious here instead of religion in Jed’s dialogue.

Question:

“A SILHOUETTE peers through slits in the boarded windows. From
his perspective, this stranger can see Snake and his gang,
Jed in the midst of them.”

Would you not need a P.O.V shot here?

P. 59 “FATHER JAKE's rifle” Is this the Father Jack’s intro or the rifles? Seems strange because we only see the rifle here according to the action? Also the “s” on the end needs to be capped.

Is Father Jake now outside with them. His dialogue has changed from (O.S)?

P. 60 “INT. MONASTERY – CONTINUOUS” Now this is the proper use of continuous IMO. A lot of inconsistencies in the slugs throughout for me.

P. 61 Think you need a change of slug here or at least a mini slug when Father Jack and Jed go up the stairs.

P. 64                                        FATHER JAKE
                               Give me one of those guns.
                                                
                                                 JED
                               Get your own.

What happened to Father Jack’s rifle?

“Another BANG! as” “as” should be capped here after bang.

“Garrett sends another bullet ahead of him up the stairs.” Awkward to read. Basically, he shoots up the stairs.

P. 66 It’s hard to believe they could here Snake from their position.

“Snake and the boys burst through the door” Thought Snake was already in the monastery? It’s getting confusing now because Garret’s dialogue isn’t (O.S). Where is everyone? He’s above them on the stairs but with them as they burst through the doors?

P. 67 Liked Kevin being left behind by the horse here and chasing it. Very funny.

So Garret is downstairs now...that’s cleared up but when did he get there?

P. 68 “the cigar to a puddle of lamp oil.” Should it be “into” instead of “to”

P. 70 “What she doesn't see is Garrett, slipped away from the fiery
interior, leveling his pistol at her position.”

The start of this sentence is telling.

Also the whole sentence should be shortened to 4 lines max, less if possible.

P. 71 Like the Idea of introducing the real July Wilson, nice touch.

P. 74 “they are alone in the office.” Or “They’re alone in the office” reads smoother.

P. 77                                  KEVIN
                                Just a little more.. got it!

Only two periods in the ellipses here.

P. 78 A walled gate seems out of place for Mercy IMO, I thought it was a bad town?

P. 84 “All marshals as reasonable as you?” Think you’re missing a “wish” at the start of this line of dialogue.

Also have to say that I find it difficult to believe that July would go out unarmed, he seems too clever and a scammer to fall for this.

P. 85 “slamming that city gates closed.” Should it be “slams the city gates shut”

“Wood splinters and holes appear behind him as the gun tears into the gate.” Think it should be “bullets” instead of “gun”  as in “Bullets tear into the gate”

P. 91 “Adriana hugs close to Jed” Surely this should just be “Adriana hugs Jed” No need for the "close to"

I liked this, felt Kevin’s ending was too brash, rushed but certainly got a kick out of the Old West. Thought there could be a bit more humour added into the mix but that’s a personal preference. I thought there was a few problems with the slugs and character intros but nothing that took me away from the read, apart from the notes of course. It’s a good tale and I’m happy I gave it a read, sorry again it took me so long between reads.

Hope this helps.

Good work and keep writing.

Steve.

Coop, many thanks for the detailed response!  Obviously, I don;t agree with every criticism, but it's a wonderful analysis.  Some of the issues you pointed out were adressed in a later draft, but it's always nice to get a different take on the material.  So far, it's just gone out but the response from producers has been good.  I'll probably take a stroll through the script this weekend with your notes in hand to do some further clean-up before producers' notes and comments start filtering in.  Thanks again!

Quoted from BoinTN Obviously, I don;t agree with every criticism.

Quite right, I would never expect you too, at the end of the day these were just my own personal opinions and as we all know, opinions differ.

I’m glad the notes will come in handy with the clean-up and I wish you all the luck with the producers. Hope it all works out.

Cheers,

Steve

I liked this screenplay. It was very entertaining.

I'm not going to comment on formatting because I'm new to screenwriting.

However, I did enjoy your style of writing. It was easy to follow the action and dialogue. It had a nice flow and cadence.

I thought your descriptions were authentic and at times, the dialogue seemed like that of the era. I think you hit a home run with Snake's gang. It's not that they were typical western bad guys, they just seemed authentic and I could easily imagine them on the big screen. Jed and Adrianna were also great characters and I liked their dialogue and relationship. At times, Kevin was annoying. I would have thought that once he realized he was really in the old west, he would have adapted quicker and taken things more seriously.

SPOILER ALERT:

I thought that the ending was wrapped up too nicely and too easily in a nice bow, but it is what it is. I still liked it. It's your story.

Throughout, I kept wondering how Kevin ended up there. I was relieved to find out the reason was the badge. However, I would have like more explanation, perhaps something in the beginning when he first lays his eyes on it. Maybe Cody could mention something about it having mystical powers or something. But again, it's your story, not mine.

I thought it was cool when the real July showed up but was dissapointed that he turned out to be a jerk. I was glad he died. But I like how Jed became the new July, thus maintaining the legend that July was a brave, honorable man.

The catapult at the end was a nice surprise.

All in all, I thought it was very entertaining. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Jojo