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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Max's Traveling Carnival Moderators: bert
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  Author    Max's Traveling Carnival  (currently 12605 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 22nd, 2013, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Gabe,

First off, I want to acknowledge that the following comments are not positive. I like to start off with a positive. You do have some lovely named characters. Think about playing them up in unique situations and don't try and introduce them all at once.

Pg 1 - I question the sound of the cannon opening the scene over black. We’re talking about film being a visual medium; so why not begin with something extremely visual. Especially, since our subject matter is in the form of a circus/carnival there seems to be a wide variety of choice there in establishing tone. Music, flags blowing in the wind, guys on stilts, snake charmers...

I’m having trouble visualizing the speck and “from afar”. Are we looking at a clear blue sky? Do we hear carnival music?

What’s a gold-t?

So, is Max breaking the 4th wall when he speaks to us? It doesn’t feel right. We know nothing of him yet and yet he’s talking to us like old buddies. Makes me uncomfortable. Like somebody coming up to you on the street and all of a sudden being buddy-buddy.

What I’m feeling as Max says, “Never know what to expect” is that it’s just a concealed attempt at what amounts to voice over. Nothing wrong with voice over, but it needs to pack a punch and I think it’s mostly used to really get into the meat of things without having a lot of time wasted. So far, Max isn’t delivering in this respect and, since he’s obviously our protag, it’s a weak start.

What’s a stinky face? I think the term can work if we see it drawn up into a scene where there is no doubt what it means first of all. Like:

Firestarter takes a swig of beer and lets out an obnoxious burp. Smiley makes a stinky face, scrunching his eyes and cheeks... From there on, he could repeat the action and we'd know exactly. Even, he might be prone to having a quirk where this is what he does, in many situations, obnoxious or not. We'd begin to expect it. Could be used as a device of some kind.

Now, let me say that so far I feel like Max is just dictating to me and it’s like so and so does this, so and so does that. What have we really got so far?

Pg 2 - Why does Max examine his fingernails?

I don’t know why Smiley glances then ducks. I feel like we should have a sound effect or something. Something that leads up to Smiley’s ducking. Like: Suddenly, Smiley’s eyes widen with shock. He says something like: “It’s—“ In slow mo, a large flying knife pierces the air, its edge catching a glint of sunlight..

Max catches it, ending Smiley's sentence.

Max
Here.

He easily catches it and uses its sharp end to clean his fingernail.

I don’t know. It’s just a stab at it. ☺ But liven this up. Readers want to be entertained. We’re reading for story, not just description or play by play action.

Max says, “But that’s for later.” What’s for later?

Max says, “You have a show to enjoy now.

Look at the next line where it says: We follow him now. Two “nows”. Redundant and boring. There’s a lot of following going on.

How are Daniel and Elenore related?

Pg 4 Ok, I see they’re husband and wife. Why then does Daniel say, (pg 3) How about I take our daughters back to YOUR house once we’re through? Oh, they're divorced. I kind of guessed, but it's not clear enough.

I don’t know what’s going on with the UH OH. What do they see? And why is she so freaked out about them leaving their side? They’re not four year olds.

Whoever this Elenore is, I sure don’t like her. She should say, “Were,” instead of “Was”.

Why are Gaby and Alexa talking O.S.? I don't think it's necessary. They're going to have their own ideas about how they film anyways. Why clutter the read for no reason? Anyways, I think their faces would be important in that scene. Watching, angry, sad, or indifferent as their parents argue.

Pg 5 -  So far there’s nothing drawing me into want to pursue reading this. Daniel strikes me as really weak and I feel more inclined not to want to see more of this.

>Several acts take place.

That is so very weak that I think, if readers haven’t stopped reading at this point, it would be a wonder.

I’m going to try and carry forward a bit more.

Ok, I’m not. I notice now that you have three more characters being introduced. Strong, Magic, and Shapeshifter. We have enough characters already. We are five pages in and there’s no story beyond a weak dude being beaten down by some idiot broad. He deserves it for marrying her in the first place.

I’ve turned to pg 6

When I read: Gaby and Alexa are in awe. I really have to wonder why. Yes, some of the stuff they see might be cool and interesting, but I personally haven’t been awed by anything and when Max says, “How are you enjoying my carnival?” I’m thinking, “Not at all.”

Gabe, I’m going to stop here. You know one of the things this script is lacking is conflict. We have some with Daniel and his wife, but it’s really forced and doesn’t feel real to me.

There really is no point in introducing all of these wonderfully named carnival characters without putting them in some kind of circumstances that give us “something”.  We should be asking ourselves questions. Who is that dude? What is he doing? (Like maybe someone’s sneaking around) What’s they’re motive? Are they telling the truth?

I would like to be more positive, but the best service I can do here is to be honest and say that this needs a new approach.

If you want to have Max talking to the camera, then maybe show him as someone trying to drum up business, (say for instance) where they're doing an infomercial type thing. So when he's talking to the camera, he's got motive. He's trying to show how "great" everything is. Now, if things DON'T appear too great to us, then there's a strong story in place already. We begin to have sympathy for these carnies whose livelihood is in jeopardy.

Then, you could purposely write in LACK OF AWE with Daniel's kids. Everything is just ho-hum. They need SOMETHING to bring people back.

I really hope this helps.  

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra touched on a point I see as well and think I mentioned in my first post here.

There are just too many members.

I think of a script as a PIE in terms of characters.

If you have 20 little slices handed out to characters, there is no one really standing out.

Instead, give two, maybe 3 characters the lion’s share of the pie and the rest can be spread out to the secondary players.

Cut these characters in half and combine the qualities each of them. Then you have fewer, stronger characters with more punch.

After all, look at HANCOCK, the movie. He was one guy, with several powers.

In fact, run a report with your writing software. It may surprise you when you do. The first time I did, I thought my main players had MUCH more of the script then they really did once I saw it on a report.

Take care man.

Shawn…..><

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra and Shawn

Apologize for not getting back, been extremely busy. I would get back to answer your reviews and comments. Thanks again and let me know if you want something read.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  May 24th, 2013, 5:50pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Sandra and Shawn

Apologize for not getting back bit extremely busy. I would get back to answer your reviews and comments. Thanks again and let me know if you want something read.

Gabe


No problem, Gabe. And remember, the fact that you're working so hard on this is huge. In further reads, when I see things that strike me, I'll be sure to let you know.

As I said, try putting the characters "up against" each other. I don't necessarily mean in battle small or battle royal manner, but in ways that will juxtapose, ways that will bring attention to their individual qualities without having to write it in dialogue or create forced scenes.

Right now I'm thinking of a simple example of something I'm familiar with: Grocery shopping. Some people just chuck things in their cart. They don't "place" things in their cart. That says a lot without saying anything, especially if they're not in a hurry and don't need to be careless.

I'll try and keep my attention out for some good examples in movies "when" I watch, which isn't very often. Sad, I know. I'm just not a very sit down kind of person which makes screenwriting a very tough challenge for me.  

Talk soon,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 24th, 2013, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Sandra!!!!!!  We miss you!!!!     Where you been, girl?

Sorry, Gabe...
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 25th, 2013, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Back to reply to comments

Note: In no way I'm disregarding your reviews. I'm just explaining why I did certain things. I will come back to this and revise just not now. lol. Taking a break from this script so I can come back and revise.

Hey Sandra

Thanks for the read. Sorry you didn't like it but I'll gladly take a negative crit than no crit at all.

The first five was to establish the world where Daniel, Ellenore, Gaby and Alexa are going to be thrust into. A world where people have superpowers. It also establishes Max as the main protagonist. This is his story. Gaby is his antagonist.

I usually think of budget when I write or rewrite. For instance, when Max speaks, it's to the carnival attendees. However, I didn't want to show a huge crowd of people present, since that would involve getting extras, so I decided to make it as if Max is breaking the 4th wall. I figured that the movie goers are also the carnival attendees. Two birds, one stone.

In regards to descriptions, there are parts where I can improve on and others that I feel is fine. For instance, the stinky face with firestarter. I was thinking of bad breathe. lol. People can and have bad breathe.

Hey Shawn

The same as Sandra in regards to thanks for the crit lol.

In regards to the characters, there are certain characters that stay in the script. Gaby, Magic, Alexa, etc.

The secondary characters enter one scene and disappear like Tech, Time, Hunter, etc. What I think is confusing the people is that I gave them names and a bit of description making it appear to the reader that they're important. I explain it in the script through Rebecca.

Nevertheless, I'll see what I can do.

Jeff

No prob.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 25th, 2013, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
Sandra!!!!!!  We miss you!!!!     Where you been, girl?

Sorry, Gabe...


I've been here quietly in the background. I'm still working on the craft as time permits, but I'm not pushing it. Premature babies can do well, but they also can suffer a lot if not given the appropriate care and time (since they're coming in early).

Gabe's script, Max's Traveling Carnival might be a good example of that as was Thief in my recollection. I can't speak for everyone, but for me, in regards to that script experience, I had the ideas (my ideas) in "my head", but they never really transferred to the page. This is a major hurdle for writers to get through.

Pia made a comment in this thread about screenwriting gurus and their advice about taping the main objective/premise/theme in front of you when writing so you don't wander off track. I've learned this too, even though I can't yet apply it. It's solid advice. My point here would be: Even if you DO change your "track" you/me do need to be aware of it (eventually) on a conscious level-- because, if we can, it will make all the difference in what falls and stays on the page. We (hopefully) will be able to recognize quite quickly where we're straying off track and correct ourselves without having to rely on our generous readers.

The whole reason I didn't finish the last 6WC + was because I had too much material, change in tone issues, lots of ideas, but not enough focus for an hour and a half and certainly no where the skill to pull it off. I decided that I would squirrel away my material, continue to make notes and see what happens in time. I wasn't interested in being like the artist that splats paint on the wall. I'm a lady that knows how to do some basic crochet and play with chain in an appealing way. It takes time, I know, as does screenwriting. If I was ready, it would be there.

Anyways, this is Gabe's thread and I will continue to offer my opinions. So far I think that there is a whole lot more than what is showing up on the pages I've seen.

I'm guessing that (as I have done too) Gabe has a real "vision" of them in his mind. Now, we need to figure out what that vision "is" and try and work together to help get that transferred across into everyone's brains and hearts.

I put these questions forward as a newcomer:

Max is the protag. What is his goal? What is his greatest fear? What carnie does he hate the most? Who would he like to see dead? What is his religion or does he have a religion? Does he eat chocolate? Does he drink beer or does he prefer a strong drink? When is his birthday? Are his parent's still alive? What is his favorite "act"? Is he afraid of sex? Is he over occupied with sex? Would he ever smash Daniel's stupid wife in the head with one of those flame-throwers? Does he by chance live in a little sawdust hole at the back of one of the tents? (That would be cool!) If you make him do that, could you throw me ten dollars for suggesting it? ...

...These are the kinds of questions that writers need to ask themselves when writing their story. You get my drift. In the end, the questions will help us to write what people want to read.  

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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I'll think about those questions Sandra. Thanks again.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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chernochan
Posted: October 3rd, 2013, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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{content deleted}

After rereading this 'review' and consultation with Bert I have decided to remove the post.  This was in no way a review and I do not want any new members to think that this behavior is in any way acceptable.  



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Don  -  October 7th, 2013, 3:11pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 3rd, 2013, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pel! Welcome to Simply Scripts!

We try to help each other here, not discourage each other. Writing a feature is HARD and I'll be honest and tell you that I did not finish this script. However, I can also tell you that Gabriel is an avid script reader and has improved immensely over time. I think that's great to see. We're all hoping that one of our friends here will sell a script one day. We support each other and try to offer suggestions and encouragement.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 3rd, 2013, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chernochan
who do have English as a first language... should not be writing screenplays. So why do these foreigners... the entire thing is absolutely infuriating.


Holy cow, did you actually just write that? Wow... Infuriating to whom? Foreigners shouldn't be able to take on the activities that they find fun? So everything is just reserved for your 'master race'? Not everybody is trying to break into the industry. I don't think you wanted to cause offensive in your review, Pel, but this is totally not the way you want to introduce yourself to everybody here.
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LC
Posted: October 3rd, 2013, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chernochan
Hi Gabriel,I am new to this board, my name is Pel. I have written my review of your screenplay (I didn't review the entire thing).

What is a big top?


Like Pia, I welcome you too, but with a wide berth at this point in time. I also second her comments.

Thing is you speak as though you have some authority and knowledge and that's all well and good, but some of your review above was a little condescending and all knowing for my liking, and not as constructive as I think it should be to help the writer.

Just saying... I do not want to start anything, but it's not a terrific intro' to SS, imho.

Considering also, that your first query to Gabe is: 'What is a big top?' - that doesn't instill a lot of confidence in me, right off the bat.

Why don't people 'google' basic things these days, that are unfamiliar to them?! We all have gaps in our knowledge, that's why the internet is a terrific resource. Sorry to Gabe if I appear to be hijacking your thread, I just felt the need to interject on this one as did Pia, only I was a little more longwinded.  

I also wonder if Gabe gave you permission to post the link to his script with your 'incomplete' and very subjective review on your blog.



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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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No he didn't LC.

I sent him a polite email asking him to take it down. I'll keep the review up on here and over there.

People are entitled to their opinions. But, the screenplay is mine.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Guest
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Haha, that was a good laugh I just had.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Pel, this may not be the best script out there and may even be terrible, but your review and comments to Gabe are unacceptable.

You come across like a complete A-Hole and the crazy thing is that based on your diatribe, I have a feeling you are a shit writer, yourself.

If you don't like the script, just say so and say why.  Gabe can take and has for years.  But, no one needs to hear the mean spirited kind of crap you're shitting out.

I'd love to see something you've written.  Bring it on and show us what a great writer you are.
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